Disclaimer:
[Buffy is tied to a pole. The rest of the group is prancing around half naked smothered with mud, warpaint, the usual. Think Lord of the Flies. Xander and Spike are each carrying one end of the Buffy pole. They are both chanting something that sounds like a cross between Enya and Sid Vicious. Buffy is squirming in a futile effort to get away, not having any luck.]
Spike: Dammit, Slayer! Hold still! (goes back to chanting)
Buffy: Why am I being put through this torture? What did I do to deserve this?
[Everyone busts out laughing.]
Angelus: For once, Buffy, this is all about you. You're a bitch. Do I need a better reason?
Buffy: I'm the Slayer! I was ripped out of Heaven! My life is too hard right now.
Spike: Oh, please. Stop with the bloody pity party.
Buffy: Joss owns us! He would never let this happen to me. I hate you Kelley and Shelley, god dammit!
[Kelley glares at Buffy. Buffy is smacked in the head with a lightning bolt and knocked unconscious.]
Angelus: Thank you!
Shelley: (looks at Kelley) Whoa! Where did you learn that?
Kelley: What? I didn't do that! I just glared. I don't know how to produce lightning.
Xander: Then who did that?
[Whistling is heard. Willow looks away as everyone looks at her and she continues to whistle a jaunty tune.]
Willow: What? What? I uh…wanted to be the one to say the disclaimer. She always gets to say it. Yeah, that's it.
Giles: Dear Lord, Willow. (smiles) You must teach me to do that.
Anya: Ooookay. Uh, now what?
Angelus: Leave that to me. I have an idea. Heh heh heh.
Jane: (points heavenward) To the cave!
Xander: (looks at her) Hey! You're back!
[Everyone disappears, leaving Buffy lying unconscious on the ground, still tied to the pole.]
A/N: Okay! We have 69 reviews **laughs like an immature high school boy**. We want to say thank you to all our great reviewers! Well, actually, Shelley wanted to say "Wiffle wiffle," but I told her this was more traditional. We LOVE you guys! You are soooooo incredibly awesome!
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"Fluffy."
"Poofy."
"Tornado hair."
"Spikey."
Spike glared.
"Ya know, I think he uses more hair care products than those old country music singers with the big hair," Xander said. Lindsey grinned.
"This is stupid," Spike grumbled, standing up quickly.
"But it's fun!" Xander taunted.
"No, it's not. It's a stupid, childish game," Spike replied.
"Oh, please, Spike. You're winning the game right now."
"So? Maybe I'm just tired of it!"
"Spike, this game will never get boring. C'mon! Who could get tired of 'Angel's Hair is Bloody Stupid' when there are so many different ways to point this out?" Xander argued.
"Yeah, well, we need to think of a new game!"
"Yeah, ok, fangless. You're just miffed because of the last comment we made."
"I DO NOT use more hair care products than that Dolly Parton bird, or the Judds or any of them. And furthermore, I hate country music!" Spike boomed.
Xander bit his lip to keep from laughing. "You have to admit, Spike, you do use a lot. All that bleach to keep it that blinding shade of blonde. Then there is the hair gel factor. You really need some right now, by the way. Did you know you have curly hair? Who dyes your hair for you anyway? It's not like you have the ability to look in a mirror."
"Ok, whelp! Bloody hell!"
"Wow, who is Mr. Sensitive now?" Xander teased.
"You should be happy I haven't eaten you yet!"
Xander smirked at the seething vampire.
Spike began pacing back and forth. Lindsey and Xander watched him for a few minutes.
"I think someone has cabin fever," Lindsey whispered to Xander. They both started to laugh.
"Ha bloody ha!" Spike growled. He looked thoughtful for a moment. "All righty then," he smirked. "Nair."
Lindsey and Xander looked at Spike. "Huh?"
"Nair…in his shampoo bottle."
"Oh, that's so evil, Spike," Xander said seriously. Spike scowled at him. Xander smiled. "Fifty points for you. Although, I think I'd rather be blind than see a bald Angel."
"Not me," Lindsey said with a chuckle.
Spike sat back down beside the two men. "I wonder if Buffy's started looking for us yet," he said curiously.
"I'm sure she's missed you at least," Xander grumbled.
"Oh, come on, whelp. You know she's just looking out for you, even if she is being a stupid bint."
Xander sighed. "Yeah, I know, but I am twenty years old, and capable of making my own decisions. She forgets that."
"Well, I bet Drusilla's going nuts…um, more nuts over your going missing. She's probably spouting metaphors even as we speak."
Lindsey looked at the two in shock. "Drusilla?"
Spike smirked. "Yeah. She fancies the boy." He struck a romantic pose. "Oh my White Knight," he spoke in falsetto. "You make such pretty music in my head."
"Shut up, Spike!" Xander cried.
"Miss Edith says such naughty things about you. I'll protect you from her foul mouth."
"Spike," Xander warned. "I'm gonna kick your ass!"
"I'd like to see you try," Spike countered. "Now you know what it's like to be made fun of, so there."
"You're a vampire. You're supposed to be able to take it," Xander argued. "What were you before you were a vampire? Some kind of poet or something?"
"No!" Spike answered a little too quickly.
Xander looked at him oddly for a moment. Lindsey chuckled. "Were you guys brothers in a past life?"
"It could explain why I've never killed him no matter how bloody annoyin' he got," Spike mused.
Lindsey looked at him, puzzled. "Don't vampires usually kill their families?"
"What do I look like? Angelus? That was just his raison d'etre. One vampire has family issues and we all get stereotyped. I did try to go after Cecily, but she'd disappeared. Stupid bint. I would have loved to stuck a spike through her effulgent head!"
"Effulgent?" Xander mouthed to Lindsey in question. "Spike, who's Cecily? What the hell does effulgent mean?"
"It means bright, but that's beside the point."
"I didn't bring it up," Xander pointed out.
"Shut up, Xander," Spike snapped. "Why don't you make yourself useful and find a way out of here."
"And why is that my job?" Xander asked.
"Because if we don't get out, then we can blame you," Spike answered.
"Gee, thanks. Now I'm really going to cover your walls with Christina Aguilera posters!"
"Oh yeah? Well, I'll put blood in the chocolate milk."
"Eww, gross! I'll put a cross between your mattress and box springs! Let's see if you sleep dead then!"
"I'll steal all your country music."
"I'll hide your bleach…if I ever find it."
"I'll put my red shirt in the wash with the towels and turn them all pink."
"All your towels will be pink too," Xander retorted.
"Hey, I'm comfortable with my sexuality."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Xander asked angrily.
"Ah, come on. I know you like me."
"That's a world of no," Xander replied. He smiled. "I think I might like your mom though."
"What are you talking about? My mom's dead…oh. Don't call Dru my mom. We were together for a hundred years."
"Ok, Oedipus. Have it your way."
"Don't call me Oedipus. I'm surprised you even know who he is."
"Research Boy, incognito. Remember?"
"For how long?"
"Always. And you have tried to kill Angel several times. Sounds pretty greek to me."
Everyone shuddered at the stupid play on words. Xander shrugged. "Hey, I haven't eaten in awhile. Cut me a little slack." Xander paused in thought. "I'll steal your Doc Martens. I need new shoes anyway."
"I'll tell Dru you like her," Spike threatened.
Xander glared at Spike. "I'll make sure you never see Passions again, even if I have to take NBC off my cable plan."
Spike gasped. "You wouldn't," he growled in demon face.
"Uh oh," Lindsey warned. "I think you've done it now."
Xander ignored him. "That's right, Spike. I said Passions. You know I'll do it. What are you going to do?"
Lindsey watched the two engage in a staring match, and rolled his eyes. "Why me?" he asked the ceiling. "Why does everything happen to me?"
Their argument ceased abruptly when the door opened.
"Bloody hell! Not again!" Spike yelled when he was struck by another dart. He toppled to the ground.
Three guards entered the dimly lit room, one immediately aiming a pistol towards Lindsey. "I'd stay where you are," he warned. "This gun isn't armed with tranq darts."
The second guard approached Xander. "We need you to come with us," he informed Xander.
Xander backed away from the guard nervously. "And why would I do something so colossally stupid?" Xander asked the man.
"Because your vampire friend is defenseless right now," the guard answered. He motioned to the third guard who went over to where Spike lay. He pulled the end of his night stick off, revealing a stake and stood over Spike's prone form.
The second guard smiled humorlessly at Xander. "Either you come quietly, or we give the Slayer a bag of ashes as proof of our intentions. It's up to you."
Xander looked over at Spike. How did he know they wouldn't stake him after he left? "You make sure your two chuckleheads follow us out and I won't give you any trouble."
The guard laughed. "Don't worry. You're both much more valuable to us alive." He waved the two other guards forward before pulling his own gun and pointing it at Xander. He motioned him toward the door. With an icy glare, Xander conceded. The guard chuckled again. "For now," he finished as he closed and locked the door behind them.