Disclaimer:
[Buffy slowly wakes up. She is being carried once again on the Buffy pole. Only this time, two different people she has never seen before are carrying both ends of the pole. One wears a pith helmet and has a machete strapped to her belt. The other is balancing a book on top of her head.]
Buffy: What are you guys? Cannibals?
Chantal: No, not cannibals.
Bridgett: (shrugs) We're just bored.
Buffy: Where are you taking me?
Chantal: I don't know. I figured we'd just carry you around for awhile, build a bonfire, and then EAT you!
Bridgett: But, there isn't much to each there. So we decided to settle for something that is actually appealing…PIZZA!
Buffy: But what are you going to do with me?
Bridgett: Oh, we're going to kidnap you and make your friends come in and save the day. They're already really good at that, but you're the one that always get all the credit.
Chantal: So, we're not sure if they are really going to save you or not.
Buffy: They'll save me. They have to save me. It's my show.
Bridgett: Does it look like we're trekking through the Jossverse? Helllllllooooo! This is Kelley and Shelley territory. We can do whatever we want to you. The story isn't called All About Buffy or even Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It's called Camelot is a Silly Place. So there!
Chantal: Joss may own all of you, but you're entertainment for the fanfic masses now. Deal with it!
Buffy: Noooooooo!
[Kelley, Spike, Shelley, and Xander all appear.]
Spike: Christ, Slayer! We can hear you from all the way in the cave!
Buffy: They're being mean to me. (sobs because she thinks it will actually help her)
Xander: Quit the waterworks, Buffy. It's not that big of a deal. So you're tied to a pig pole. Try to look on the bright side of things.
Buffy: That being?
Xander: Angelus is not here at the moment tormenting you.
Spike: Yeah. He's too busy making out with the Cheerleader.
Kelley: So…Chantal, Bridgett…wanna go to the cave? Jane's in there with us!
[Bridgett slams a book to the ground and Chantal waves her machete around in cheer.]
Shelley: All right. Let us go then.
Kelley: Wait, wait, wait!
Bridgett: We gotta finish kidnapping Buffy.
Chantal: Yeah, we've already got the groundplans for the bonfire.
Shelley: Okay. Fine. (snaps fingers and Buffy disappears to another part of the island) All done. (smiles enthusiastically)
Bridgett and Chantal: Coooooooooooool!
Spike: (grabs Kelley's arm) Let's go already! Bloody hell!
Kelley: We're going. Men! (snaps fingers and everyone disappears again)
A/N: Yeah, we're updating AGAIN! And you're all saying "Wow! They just updated like two days ago!" Well, "A Midsummer Night's Dream" closed today and me and Shelley are super depressed cuz we had so much fun making it and everything. So, we figured the best way to smile would be to update and hopefully we will cheer up soon. **tear** This was Shelley's last performance here. She's graduating in May. Feel free to send reviews to make us feel better and wish Shelley luck. Booyah. **goes off crying like a big sissy**
*******************************************************************************************************
Buffy fidgeted in the plush chair the receptionist had led her to minutes before. The tastefully decorated office was not at all what she expected for a meeting place to discuss ransom demands. Neither was the cheerful receptionist who'd met her as she entered the building and later asked her if she wanted anything to drink while she waited. The bad guys definitely do things differently in L.A. Buffy tugged absently at the bottom of her shirt, suddenly feeling underdressed.
Buffy jumped slightly when she heard the door open. "Xander!" she cried as he was shoved into the office.
"Hey, watch the leg!" Xander growled to the guard. He waved at Buffy. "Hey, Buff. You ok?"
The guard shoved Xander into a chair in the corner. "What the hell is going on?" he asked the guard angrily.
"You don't ask the questions. We do," the guard sneered.
"That's so cliché," Xander retorted. "You're just paid to stand there and look constipated while someone who gets paid a lot more than you do asks questions."
"The threat to stake your friend still stands," the guard warned.
Xander met Buffy's eyes briefly before glaring at the guard. "I'm not going to be a prisoner forever."
"Boys, please behave yourselves," Lilah chided as she entered. "We're trying to conduct a meeting."
After a departing glare at Xander, the guard moved to the door, and stood…um, guard.
Lilah walked to Buffy's side. "Ms. Summers, I'm so glad you could make it. I'm Lilah Morgan." She held out her hand. Buffy just glared at it.
"I know who you are," Buffy answered tightly.
Lilah smiled. "Well, at least the formalities are out of the way. I suppose your friend knows as well?"
"More than you think," Xander replied glibly.
Lilah leaned against the front of the desk. "Ms. Summers, let me just put this into plain terms. We want you to work for Wolfram & Hart."
"Ok," Buffy answered brightly. "One thing first, though. Convince my boyfriend to stop smoking."
At this, Xander snickered.
Lilah plowed on, despite this. "Well, we could inform him of the dangers it poses to his respiratory system. After thirty or forty years, he won't even be able to breathe anymore."
This statement only made Xander laugh even harder. Even Buffy began to giggle. Lilah frowned, realizing she was part of some joke she had no idea about.
"Should I take your obvious humor as a no?"
"I'd call it more of a HELL NO, but you've got the general idea," Buffy corrected her.
Lilah decided to change tactics. "You see this office?"
Buffy nodded.
"It used to belong to one of our junior partners, but he decided he didn't believe in us anymore. Do you know what we do to employees who stop seeing things our way?"
Xander started waving his arms in the air. "Ooh! I know! You lock them in the dungeon with me and Spike?"
Lilah turned to face Xander. "Ah, I see you've become acquainted with Lindsey, then. Doesn't know when to keep his mouth shut."
Xander smiled. "We've had a blast. He's tied with me for 2nd in the 'Angel's Hair is Bloody Stupid' game. Spike's in first, of course, even after he quit for awhile when we wouldn't stop making fun of his hair." Xander sighed. "Lindsey and Spike are probably making up all kinds of insults while I'm not there. Oh, wait. You knocked Spike out with another tranq dart. Now Lindsey's going to beat us both!"
"What?" Buffy cried.
"Don't worry, Buff. Spike and I will catch up. We've known him a lot longer."
"That's not what I mean and you know it!" Buffy argued.
"Oh, come on. You know Angel's hair is bloody stupid!"
Lilah hid her smile behind her hand. "Sedating the vampire was only a precaution. Otherwise it would have been a bloodbath."
Buffy was confused for a moment, but recovered quickly. "Yeah, you're right. He would have snapped your necks like twigs if he had the chance."
"Ugh!" Xander cried. "Mental images, Buffy!"
"The deal is simple, Buffy. Either you work for us, or we kill your friends. It won't bother us either way. Spike's a vampire, and therefore of little use to us except as a hostage." Lilah glanced at Xander and chuckled. "And the Senior Partners have wanted Mr. Harris dead for years. It's really a win-win situation for us."
"Wait-wait a second," Buffy interrupted before Lilah had a chance to go on. "What do these 'Senior Partners' want with Xander? Why would anyone important want Xander dead?"
"Hey!" Xander cried, offended.
"Oh, stop playing dumb with me," Lilah said. "Hellmouth? Zombies?" At Buffy's blank look, Lilah growled in frustration. "A knife named Katie?"
Buffy looked at Xander. "Is this supposed to mean anything to me?" Xander just shrugged, trying to look innocent.
Lilah looked at Buffy disbelievingly. "You can't be serious." Her head snapped around, glaring accusingly at Xander. "You didn't tell her?"
"I don't know what you're talking about!" Xander denied adamantly.
Lilah's look became one of appraisal. After a few moments a small smirk appeared. "You're smarter than you look, Mr. Harris," she said finally.
"Thanks, I think," Xander mumbled.
"So, Ms. Summers, what's it going to be?"
"You can't make me do this!" Buffy yelled defiantly.
"Yes, we can," Lilah countered simply.
The guard pulled Xander out of the chair and manhandled him out the door. Lilah stopped Buffy when she tried to follow. "Try it and he dies right now."
Buffy pulled her arm out of Lilah's grasp. "You are such a bitch."
Lilah shrugged. "Yeah, I know." She quickly became serious. "You don't have a choice here, Buffy."
Buffy looked at the floor. "There's always a choice. It's just not always a choice that you like."
"You've got a day to think about it." She handed Buffy a business card. "Call with an answer." Lilah opened the door. "The receptionist will show you the way out. I look forward to hearing from you."
*****
Spike groaned and opened his eyes, again. This was becoming a habit. He looked over at his now sole companion. Lindsey was methodically checking the wall for cracks, and singing under his breath.
"Well, Lilah's a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world…"
Spike chuckled softly, ignoring his pounding head. "Find anything yet?" he asked the other man.
"I ain't found shit," Lindsey drawled. "Feeling better?" he asked.
"I'll feel better when we get the whelp and get out of here." Spike started pacing the length of the cell, growling low in his throat.
"I don't get you," Lindsey said as he watched the vampire.
"What's there not to get?" Spike asked testily.
"You don't have a soul, you work with the slayer. You're sensitive, you hate it when people make fun of you. You watch soap operas. For God's sake, you're best friends with your food!"
"So. What's your point?" Spike asked.
Lindsey took a calming breath. "Is there anything else I need to know about?"
Spike thought for a moment. "I'm in love with the Slayer."
Lindsey gaped. "No way! You're lying!"
Spike shrugged. "Suit yourself. Believe whatever you want, mate."
"I still don't get you and the kid, though," Lindsey continued.
Spike mentally braced himself for what he was about to do. "He's my friend," he admitted.
"I kind of got that from the bantering," Lindsey told him.
The two sat in uncomfortable silence for a few minutes, both scanning the walls for possible escape routes. Finally, Spike broke the silence.
"So, you want to find a way out of here?"
"Hell, yeah!"
*****
Cordelia knew something was wrong with Buffy the second she reentered the Hyperion. She didn't knock after all. Buffy didn't say a word. She just sat on the lobby couch and put her head in her hands. Cordelia, being the new and improved, caring and sensitive person she'd become after years of being Queen Bitch of Sunnydale, went to see what was wrong.
"Buffy? What happened?" She became even more alarmed when she heard the muffled sobbing.
Cordelia moved to sit beside Buffy on the couch. "Oh, my god! Did something happen? Xander and Spike aren't…?"
"No!" Buffy exclaimed, preventing Cordelia from even finishing the sentence. "They're fine, for now. But they won't stay that way unless I help Wolfram & Hart."
"That's not going to happen," Angel said, coming into the room. "They're evil. They can't be trusted."
"I don't really have any choice right now!" Buffy screamed, her voice cracking.
Angel immediately looked guilty. "What happened?" he asked gently.
"I met Lilah in one of the offices. Xander was there too. She told me Wolfram & Hart wanted me to work for them, and if I didn't they'd kill them both. One of the guards threatened to stake Spike while I was there!" Buffy paused for a breath, but then another thing struck her. "And who are the Senior Partners?"
Angel blinked. "What?"
"The Senior Partners. Lilah said they've wanted to kill Xander for years. Who are they?"
Angel paled, if that was possible for a vampire. "She said the Senior Partners specifically?" Buffy nodded. Angel frowned. "Why would they want to go after Xander?"
"That's what I tried to find out. Lilah thought I'd know, but I have no idea, and I know everything Xander's done."
"Apparently not," Cordelia corrected. "If the Senior Partners are holding a grudge, he must have done something, and to catch their attention it had to be something big."
Buffy leaned forward, her head in her hands. "Then why can't I figure out what he did?"
"Well, he's not the most forthcoming guy in the world," Cordelia commented.
"What are you talking about?" Buffy asked. "He's horrible at keeping secrets."
Angel frowned. "He's better at it than you think."
"I just don't know what to do," Buffy sighed in defeat.
"Well, we have to rescue them," Angel said logically. "Come into Wesley's office. You can tell everyone what happened and we'll work from there."
"You guys go ahead. I'll be there in a minute," Buffy muttered.
She watched as Angel and Cordelia walked off. When they were out of sight, she pulled the Wolfram & Hart business card from her pocket and stared at it gravely.
*****
Xander threw one last defiant glare at the guard as he shoved him into a different room and locked him in. Seeing he was going to be in there for awhile, he decided to look around. "Lilah Morgan's office," he realized with a smile. He proceeded to tear the place apart.
First he grabbed a few business cards, wrote some truly inventive phrases on them, and stuck them in the middle of the stack. Next, he started taking pens from the holder on her desk. He examined each critically before dismantling them and tossing the pieces over his shoulder. He kept one pen and doodled nude figures in tantric positions all over her desk calendar. With a chuckle, he pocketed the pen. If he had time later he could pull a Cave Buffy and start drawing on the walls.
Let's see…what do do next? Xander thought to himself. I'm only going to be free for a little longer." He dragged her chair out to the middle of the floor and started spinning around in circles. A few minutes later, he was dizzy, but bored once again. He spotted a bookshelf and headed toward it, an evil glint in his eye.
Lilah entered her office, still patting herself on the back for a blackmail well done. All that changed the second she saw the state of her office. She brought her desk chair to a halt, stopping Xander's second spinning spree.
He looked up at Lilah dizzily. "Never read and spin at the same time," he advised her, holding up the book in his hand. "I think I'm going to be sick."
Lilah glared at him. "Don't you dare vomit in my office. You've already trashed it." She looked around her office, exasperated. "Is there even a point to all this destruction?"
Xander shrugged. "I was bored. Is there a point to you having a copy of Interview With A Vampire in your desk, or do you just enjoy comedic irony?"
Lilah smirked. "Big words coming from a relatively uneducated man," she remarked.
Xander gasped in mock outrage. "Oh now you've done it. You've hurt my feelings!"
"Cut the wisecracks, kid. I want some answers."
"And of course I'll give them to you," Xander reassured her, his voice dripping with sarcasm.
Lilah ignored the jibe. "You're a very curious person, Xander Harris. I'd like to get to know you better."
"Is this a come on line?" Xander interrupted. "Because if it is, you need to get in line behind the insane vampire."
"Shut up, Xander. As I was saying, you're curious, a contradiction of sorts. You help your friends fight evil for years and support them through all their tough times, yet you keep secrets from them. You're the goofy, comic relief that isn't taken seriously, but you're also the one who says the things no one else wants to hear. You constantly make jokes to be the center of attention, but how much do your friends really know about you?"
"Is there a point to your little introspective moment?" Xander asked casually.
"This is exactly what I'm talking about," Lilah continued. "The Xander Harris in the Wolfram & Hart files would be totally panicked by this point and willing to answer any of our questions. He would have told all his friends about the Jack O'Toole incident the first chance he got." She paused, waiting for Xander to make some comment. He looked at her, then started reading Interview With A Vampire again.
Lilah snatched the book out of his hands. "Why on Earth didn't you tell anybody you saved the world?"
"Um…I forgot?"
Lilah yelled in frustration, kicking her desk. Then she cursed at the pain that shot up her toes. She looked to the heavens. "What did I do? Is my karma really that bad?"
"I thought you were asking me the questions," Xander observed. He found himself on the receiving end of yet another of Lilah's icy glares. He would have been intimidated, but he did date Cordelia after all. He was about to throw a comment back, when something else demanded his attention.
Lilah stood, waiting for the witty retort she knew was coming. Any second now. Any second…ok, what demented tactic was the kid cooking up now? He was staring at nothing. His eyes weren't even focused on her.
"What the hell?" she muttered, watching him sit, still as a statue. She walked up to him and kneeled down to his level. He didn't react at all.
"Anybody in there?" she asked, waving a hand in front of his face. No reaction. "Ok, I think this is even stranger than…"
"Aaah!" Xander screamed, pushing back with both feet and sending the back of the chair crashing into the desk. Lilah jumped up in shock, a small scream escaping her lips.
Two guards rushed in the door. "We heard a commotion," the first guard explained. "Are you all right, Ms. Morgan?"
"Yes, I'm fine," she assured the guard.
"Do you need any assistance with your guest?" the guard continued.
She looked over at Xander. He sat, his good leg pulled up to his chest with his chin resting on his knee. His face was pale, his eyes were wide with fear, and he was shivering despite the temperature of the room. The drastic change shocked Lilah. He looked so…vulnerable. Lilah smiled. Vulnerability had its uses.
"No, I can handle it," Lilah told the guard. "I'll just need an escort back to the cells in a few minutes."
The guard nodded. "We'll be right outside the doors," he informed her before leaving her alone with her "guest".
She approached the clearly frightened young man slowly. She reminded Xander of a cat stalking a mouse. "Xander, what just happened?"
"Nothing," Xander answered quickly.
"Something happened. I'm going to find out what."
"I'm not going to tell you anything," Xander said, meeting her eyes for the first time since his episode. His haunted look sent a chill up her spine.
That only made Lilah push harder. "Why didn't you tell your friends about the zombies?"
"What does it matter?" Xander said through gritted teeth.
"It matters to me. Why didn't you tell them?"
"They didn't need to know!" Xander yelled, standing abruptly. The room spun, and Xander stumbled into Lilah, knocking her quite painfully into a corner of the desk. However, her body did prevent him from falling all the way to the floor. Lilah stifled her cry of pain. She didn't want the guards to barge in and see her leaving heavily against her desk with a man on top of her.
"Dizzy?" she asked when he pushed himself off her.
Xander gave her a weak glare. "I haven't eaten since yesterday," he defended.
Lilah held up her arms in surrender. "Fair enough." She rubbed her thigh where it had hit the desk. "I'm going to have a bruise now."
"See me not caring."
Lilah sighed and looked at her watch. Se didn't have time for this, and the kid wasn't giving anything up freely. Maybe a few more days without food would loosen his tongue. She had more than enough to ponder until then.
"I think I've had enough excitement for today. We continue our little chat later." She walked to the door and opened it. "Shall we?" she asked, motioning for him to proceed her into the hallway.
With a long sigh, Xander exited the office.
How do I get myself into these things? he wondered.