Disclaimer:
[Buffy wakes up suddenly from her unfortunate state of unconsciousness. Something hideous is going on, and she is the butt of the joke.]
Buffy: What are you guys doing to me?
Angelus: Torture. It's called torture. Look it up in the dictionary. Geez, and you made a 1470 or something like that on your SAT?
Buffy: Why? I didn't do anything to you guys!
Willow: Shut up. I'm not finished yet. (she smiles as she puts the finishing touches of Buffy's outfit on)
Buffy: What the hell am I wearing?
Willow: Something from my season six wardrobe.
Buffy: Noooooooooooo!!!!!
Willow: Hahaha…yes! Kelley and Shelley decided I deserve some cooler clothes than the crap I've been wearing lately. I mean, how much lace can one person fit on a shirt? And there you are with your nonexistent funds and all those expensive shoes. And I look like I fell outta the dumpster behind Goodwill!
Xander: Hey! There is nothing wrong with those dumpsters!
Buffy: Anya, what are you doing to my hair?
Anya: (smiles) Making it poofy.
Buffy: Huh?
Drusilla: She's teasing it, dearie.
Spike: We're going for a cross between Carrot Top and Cindy Lauper.
Buffy: You mean…my hair? It's…? It's…? (looks up into a conveniently placed mirror and screams in horror) Aaaaah!
Spike: Yeah, that's right. It's fuschia!
Buffy: But Joss would never let this happen to me. Where are Kelley and Shelley?
Kelley: (suddenly appears) You rang?
Shelley: Oh, Buffy! Love the hair!
Buffy: Please! I'll start being nice again! Just change it back!
Kelley: (shrugs) Okay, it's done. Just remember, get that stake outta your ass. Live a little. Have fun.
Shelley: And be nice to Spike! And Xander! And stop ignoring Dawn!
Buffy: Why me? Okay, fine. I'll try.
Kelley: Good. I'm going back to the cave. Let's go Spike.
[Kelley and everyone else except for Buffy disappear. Echoes of Angelus laughter can be heard for awhile.]
Buffy: God dammit! They left me again.
[A bolt of lightning strikes right next to Buffy and she is knocked out once again.]
A/N: Another update. I know you're excited. I'm pretty excited too. Well, not really. This is just mine and Shelley's procrastination time. This is the last week of school and I am so happy. We have about three more chapters to post after this, so enjoy! And thanks to all our great reviewers. Oh, and yes, Tigress Eve, we were quoting Spaceballs. We're glad you caught it! Congrats!!
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Xander was shoved once again into a room. "Dammit! Does this cast on my leg make everyone want to push me around? If I still had a crutch, I'd swing it at you!"
"I think you've really scared them," Lindsey commented from where he stood.
"Yeah, I'm an intimidating guy," Xander retorted.
He heard Spike snicker behind him.
"Laugh it up, Blondie! We need to get out of here. Wolfram & Hart want Buffy to work for them."
"She said no…right?" Spike asked.
"Well…she has until tomorrow to decide."
"This should be a bloody easy decision! What's taking her so long?"
"There's a small catch," Xander explained.
"What?"
"If she says no, we're dead. Or in your case, dust."
"Oh." Spike thought for a moment. "Well we need to get the hell out of here fast. Xander, take your shirt off."
"What?!"
"You heard me." Xander turned around and noticed for the first time that both Spike and Lindsey were shirtless.
"What exactly have you guys been doing while I was gone?" Xander asked.
"Trying to find a way to escape," Spike replied matter-of-factly. "Get with the program, whelp!"
"By taking your shirts off?"
"We're making a rope to get out the window. Duh!" Spike informed him, holding up the makeshift rope. "With your shirt it should be long enough. So hand it over. We've got to rip it to shreds. Your shirt's bigger than both of ours."
Xander grabbed his shirt possessively. "You're not coming anywhere near my shirt! There can be a different plan."
"No, we worked it out while you were making buddy-buddy with the lawyers. You're going to life me up to that window when it gets dark. I'm going to bend the bars enough so we can pull ourselves through. Then we use the shirt rope to get to the ground. It's a two or three story drop into some catacombs, but I think we can make it." He looked at Lindsey. "Why the hell are there catacombs in an office building in the middle of L.A.?"
Lindsey shrugged. "Ambiance?"
"And how long did it take you to come up with that?" Xander asked.
"Well…you were gone for over an hour."
Xander started laughing. "That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard!"
"Don't laugh at me. I'm hungry!" Spike warned. "I don't see you coming up with a better plan."
"We go out the front door," Xander suggested.
Spike looked at him like he'd gone insane. "Yeah, right. That'll work," Spike scoffed. "And I suppose you just happen to have the key?"
Xander reached into his pocket. "Yes, I do," he said, showing them the key.
Spike and Lindsey gaped at Xander. "What? How? What?" they asked in shock.
Xander smiled. "Vulnerability has its uses."
*****
Lilah sat down in front of her computer after getting her office cleaned. She didn't think someone could do that much damage in such a short amount of time. With a sigh, she looked at her computer screen.
Wait a second. That wasn't the same screen saver she had up before.
Her eyes widened as she watched the new message float across the screen. "Watch your back," she read to herself. "Well, he's got guts. I'll give him that."
Still needing to send emails to her supervisors, she started moving her mouse around. She gasped in horror at what happened next.
"Damn that kid!" she cried frantically.
Xander had password protected her computer, and she had no clue what the password was! She typed in the first word that popped into her head, but it wasn't the right one…of course. She growled in frustration, determined to keep trying until she got the correct word. She tried a second time, once again incorrect. Mumbling a few choice curse words, she attempted a third word.
Not only did she get it wrong this time, her computer decided to turn against her and ban her from usage for thirty minutes. "Aaah! I am so going to kill that kid!"
She got up, ready to break the end of her shoe off in his ass. She'd go down there, unlock the door, and beat him within an inch of his life.
She searched through her pockets. The key has to be around here somewhere. She knew it. She'd had it when she'd met with the Slayer. She'd put it in her front pocket of her blazer before talking to Xander. They'd talked, he'd zoned out, then freaked out. Then they'd fallen into the desk and…her face clouded in anger.
"Dammit!"
She stormed out of her office, slamming the door behind her.
*****
Lindsey smiled. "I like you, Xander. You're evil."
"Yep," Xander answered. He stripped off his gaudy Hawaiian shirt and threw it at Lindsey. "I've got an undershirt on. Wear this."
"My god! Why?" Lindsey cried indignantly.
"You're going to kind of stand out running around without a shirt."
He held up the shirt. "And this won't make me stand out?" An idea formed. "Hey, what about Spike? He doesn't have a shirt either."
"But he's got his duster to wear," Xander rationalized. "Besides, orange is a good color on you."
Lindsey cursed profusely but donned the shirt. "You really are evil," he grumbled.
"Come on, we've got to get out of here," Xander commanded. "Lilah's going to realize her key's gone and be pissed." He grabbed Spike's arm and pushed him out the door. "Plus, we've got to get to your girlfriend before she decides to join the Wolfram & Hart payroll."
"Yeah," Spike agreed. "We've got to stop MY WHAT??"
Xander smirked. "You heard me, fangless."
Spike smiled. "My girlfriend…my GIRLfriend…MY girlfriend…my girlfriend…my…"
"Geez, Spike!" Xander yelled as he pushed Lindsey out the door and closed it behind them. "Buffy didn't make such a big deal out of it. She said it like you guys had been together forever."
"She said I was her boyfriend?" Spike asked in shock. If possible, his smile got even bigger. "She said I was her boyfriend." He grabbed Xander. "Isn't that great?" he asked excitedly.
"God, Spike, calm down," Xander said. He sighed. "Where's a tranq dart when you need one?"
Spike turned to Lindsey. "See, I told you. And you didn't believe me!"
"What is he talking about?" Lindsey asked.
Xander rolled his eyes. "I'll explain later. Right now we HAVE to get out of here." He grabbed Spike by the arm. "Act normal, at least for awhile," he ordered. "We've got to get to Buffy before she does something she'll regret."
*****
Buffy glanced up and down the busy L.A. street. None of her friends were in sight. The coast was clear. She could do what she had to do.
With one last glance behind her, she picked up the pay phone and dialed the 800 number on the card.
"Wolfram & Hart. How may I direct your call?"
"Um…I'm Buffy Summers and…"
"Oh, hello, Ms. Summers. We've been expecting your call. I'll direct you. Hold please."
Buffy was treated to some truly horrendous electronic music for a good three minutes before someone picked up the line.
"Hello, Ms. Summers. You don't waste any time making decisions do you?"
"You have my friends. I can't just let you kill them."
The voice on the other end chuckled. "No, I guess you can't. That's what we counted on. Now, about your assignment."
"You do realize that if you hurt either of them, I'll kill all of you."
"Of course."
"Glad we understand each other. Now, what do you want me to do?"
She listened closely as everything was explained to her. "…and we'd like it done as soon as possible."
Buffy stood silently as the scope of what she was about to do nearly overwhelmed her. After this, there would be no turning back.
"Ms. Summers? Are you still there? Do we have a deal?"
Buffy snapped painfully back to reality. "Yeah, we do. Now let my friends go."
"They'll be released after you bring confirmation of a job well done."
Buffy glared at the receiver. "You double cross me, and there will be hell to pay." She slammed the receiver down with brutal finality.
*****
Spike, Lindsey, and Xander made their way out of the dungeon they'd been kept in, trying to figure out which hallway led to their freedom. Their little adventure would have been completely silent if it weren't for Spike who was head banging and humming to some crazy tune by a band called…Nerf Herder.
Xander rolled his eyes. "Spike, be quiet!" he whispered loudly.
Spike grinned evilly and ignored the cranky Scooby. He was in a good mood for the first time in what seemed like decades, and nothing was going to ruin it.
Xander gritted his teeth and led the way. Pretty soon, Lindsey started humming along. The tune was pretty catchy.
Xander whirled around. "Guys! We are trying to escape here! We don't need theme music for this."
A few minutes later the three prisoners exited the front doors of Wolfram & Hart.
Lindsey frowned. "That's it? No resistance? Well, that was…anticlimactic."
Xander elbowed Lindsey in the stomach. "Shhh! Do not jinx it!" he scolded.
"Fine. I'll go steal us a car. Be back in a second!" Lindsey said, running off.
Spike watched him until he was out of sight. "Well, he's a strange bloke," Spike mumbled. He turned toward Xander who was staring at the building intensely. "Hey, whelp. What's up? Is this some kind of post traumatic stress thing?"
Xander narrowed his eyes. "This building…" he began.
"What of it?" Spike queried.
"It's not the same one from either of my visions."
"Huh? Either? You had another one?"
"Yeah. Back in Lilah's office. It was kinda wiggy. Made me kinda antsy to get out of there."
Spike looked thoughtful for a moment then shrugged it off. "Let's go find Lindsey." He smiled. "We gotta go save…MY GIRLFRIEND!" he said triumphantly.
Xander groaned. Spike snickered. The two walked off.