Pairings: None
E-Mail: TARGETER14@AOL.com
Archive: Sure, just e-mail me first and tell me where it's going.
Disclaimer: Zelda belongs to some lucky bastard in Japan. I'm just screwing with the characters.
A/N: Hehehe...well, I wrote half of this when I was 14, and finished it when I was 16. So if it's a bit funky...hehe, sorry. It's full of anachronisms and un-beta-ed, but I'd still be thrilled if you could review at the end. *hopeful look*
THAT FISH NEEDS THERAPY
"Zelda!" Ruto shrieked, voice echoing through the Sacred Realm.
Zelda winced as the shrill voice pierced her ears. Uh oh. The spoilt Ruto wanted something from her.
For a moment, Zelda considered running and hiding. But she knew that it would only be a matter of time before the fish princess found her. Sighing, she resigned herself to having to listen to her.
A blue glowy ball of light stuff appeared before her, and Princess Ruto appeared. "Zelda!" she yelled, even though Zelda was just in front of her. "I need help!"
Zelda clapped her hands to her ears. "What is it this time?" she asked her. "Did Rauru take your earrings again?"
Ruto pouted. "No. But I'm watching him. This is about the Sage health plan."
Zelda stared at her. "Huh?"
Ruto smiled sweetly. "I'm in charge of the Worker's Union. And did you know we have a health plan?"
Zelda shook her head. "No, I didn't. Umm, shouldn't you take this up with someone who has been here a lot longer, and is a bit older? Hint hint, Rauru?"
Ruto shook her head adamantly. "No! I'm only talking to you, the Head Sage. And I need to talk to you about Section 3, Chapter 5, Clause 2." She handed Zelda a roll of parchment.
Zelda skimmed through the parchment until she came to the mentioned section. She read it, and frowned. "Are you sure you named the right section? This just talks about how all Sages are permitted to have free psychiatric help, courtesy of the Head Sage, due to the stress induced by the job."
"That's exactly right." Ruto said proudly. "And I have decided that I am in much need of psychiatric help."
Privately, Zelda agreed. But she wasn't going to say so, because she knew that Ruto was only trying to get all she possibly could out of Zelda. It was hard work, being a fabulously rich Hyrulian princess- but someone had to do it.
Zelda smiled sweetly. "Of course I'll pay for your psychiatric help, Ruto. It is in the Health Plan after all." At least it would get her out of the Realm for a few hours.
Ruto looked a little taken back. "Err...thanks, I think." Her fishy features were twisted into a look of dismay. She had obviously been looking forward to a good fight. Disappointed, Ruto turned into a blue glowy ball again, and disappeared.
Zelda sat down, looking thoughtful. Now where was she going to get a psychiatrist tolerant enough to put up with Ruto's bullshit? She thought for a bit longer, then her features lit up. Of course!
She whipped out her mobile (Nokia, of course) and selected one of the numbers in her digital address book. "Hello? Evil Realm? Yes, this is Zelda. I'm looking for a psychiatrist..."
~~~~
Ruto stepped out of the Temple of Time, and headed for Hyrule Market Town. She checked the slip of paper in her hand that Zelda had given her this morning with the address of the psychiatrist on it, directions, and his name. She read the name to herself again, puzzling over it. It sounded so familiar. Shrugging, she dismissed the feeling, and followed the directions to the address listed.
She stepped into the building, and walked over to the reception desk. The receptionist, an old lady was filing her nails.
"Name?" the receptionist asked, sounding bored.
"Princess Ruto." Ruto said haughtily.
The old lady, looked up with a startled expression on her face, then cackled. "Oh yes, you. My twin sister will take you to the Doctor." She put down the nail file. "Hey! Koume, you old bat! The Princess is here!" she yelled.
An equally ugly hag came hurrying down the hallway leading out of the room. "Is she, Koutake?" She cackled evilly, and Ruto began to feel a bit uneasy.
"Come with me, come on." Koume said, grabbing elbow, and dragging Ruto along behind her.
The hag knocked on a door, with a nameplate on it. The name matched the one on the sheet of paper- Dr. Ganon Dorf- so at least Ruto knew she was in the right place. The door opened, and Koume pushed her in, slamming the door behind her.
"Please, have a seat." Came a voice from the darkness of the room.
Ruto gulped, and sat on the edge of the couch/bed thing. She was very nervous now. The whole shrink thing had just been a joke to play on Zelda, whom Ruto had a passionate hatred for. Zelda was apparently having the last laugh though.
A few lights came on in the room. Well, at least she could see now. "Please, tell me your problems." Came the evil voice again.
Ruto began to think- an extremely odd sensation for her. "Well." she began. "I had a very difficult childhood." She began.
"Continue." Dr. Ganon Dorf said again, and Ruto relaxed a little. "Well, not only was I the only child Zora in Zora's domain at the time, I had all the grown-up Zoras picking on me. I was the butt of every 'Yo Papa is so Fat' joke around."
She heard a snicker from the Doctor. "And wasn't he fat!"
"Excuse me?" Ruto asked suspiciously.
"Err...I said, 'How cruel was that!' Please continue." The voice said hastily.
Ruto frowned, but continued. "I became a pathological liar to gain attention. By the time I was eight, I was skilled in all forms of lying."
"Would you be able to give me an example of this?"
She thought for a bit. "Well, when I was in Jabu-Jabu's belly, I wrote a note in a bottle and threw it out, asking for help. You see, I wasn't actually in trouble, I was just seeking attention. But when Link came and mentioned it to me, I told him I had no idea what note he was talking about. See, I knew it would piss him off, and thus I would gain attention."
"Interesting..." There was a sound of a quill scratching on parchment. "Tell me more about this Jabu-Jabu. He was obviously a significant person in your life."
Ruto relaxed on the couch, and began her extremely long and boring story. "Well, at the age of 10 I was swallowed by our patron god- that's Lord Jabu-Jabu. Do you have any idea how scarring that was for me? One moment, I'm just minding my own business, feeding that fat bastard cause he was too lazy to feed himself, and the next moment, I find that he's eaten me too! Now, I've seen some greedy Zora's who practically inhale their food, but that was taking it a bit far!"
More snickering from the mysterious voice. Ruto peered into the darkness, trying to see what the psychiatrist looked like. He didn't seem to be very good at his profession.
After futile attempts to see him, she shrugged, and continued. "Well, I was rescued by the boy who would become my one true love. But, it was so dark in the belly of that evil Jabu-Jabu, I couldn't see him, and so I embarrassed myself by being mean to him. When I saw him- well, I just wanted to die! Literally! For a time, I actually became suicidal, after making such an ass of myself."
"I'm sad that you didn't go though with it." Dr. Ganon said.
"Excuse me? What did you say?"
"Errm- I'm glad that you didn't go through with it, continue."
"Well, before mortally embarrassing myself, I insisted that Link- that's the guy- carry me out of Jabu. Being the wonderful person he was, he did, even while I was complaining. However, because he was so busy fighting all those creatures and carrying me, he couldn't chat, and I was forced to converse with his fairy. That was an experience that changed me, mentally."
"How so?" Dr. Ganon asked, sounding mildly interested now.
"Well, this fairy was the most obnoxious creature that the goddesses ever sent to Hyrule! She just wouldn't stop talking, on and on about the most evil thing created."
"And what was that?"
Ruto looked around the darkened room fearfully, then whispered, "Nsync."
"Oh my gods!" The psychiatrist yelled, and there was a scuffling sound, that sounded suspiciously like someone leaping out of a chair, and hiding behind a desk. "No wonder you're as screwed up as you are!"
Ruto buried her face in her hands. "And that's not all she said. She said the most offensive, and vulgar things, my head felt like it was going to explode. She sang every song off the first Spice Girls CD to me!" At this, Ruto began to sob. "I'd beg her to stop, but then she would buzz around my head, and yell 'HEY! LISTEN!' over and over again, until I paid attention. I tried to swat the little lightbulb, but she was too quick." Ruto now dissolved into tears. "I had nightmares for months!"
"Well, that's great!" Dr. Ganon yelled in excitement.
"What was that?"
"Uh... Well, that's fate!"
"What the hell does fate have to do with anything!" Ruto yelled. "I'm talking about my childhood experiences here! You shouldn't be happy!"
"I'm not happy." He said in an I'm-lying-through-my-teeth tone.
"Yes you are!"
"No I'm not!"
"No you're not!"
"Yes I am- Hey!" he sounded mad. "No playing mind games with the psychiatrist! That's my job! Let's hear a little more about Link. I want some dirt on him."
"Excuse me?" Ruto asked. She was really worried about this shrink now. She might not have ears, but she was on occasion (well, when Link was involved) fairly intelligent and manipulative, and she knew the stuff he was saying wasn't exactly cocher.
"I said I want to know how you flirt with him. It could prove useful."
Ruto shook her head. "Now, why would you want to know a thing like that? Unless...Dr. Ganon, are you gay?"
"What!" He sounded outraged. "No! Of course not."
Ruto laughed. "You must be! That's why you want to know how to flirt with Link!"
Dr. Ganon Dorf sniffed in disdain. "I hate the little shit. He cost me my empire!"
"He cost you your empire?" Ruto said in disbelief.
From his dark little corner, Dr. Ganon began to chuckle nervously. "Uh, no, what I said was...uh...Oh alright, I did say he cost me my empire!" The 'mood lighting'...well, lightened...and Dr. Ganon was revealed to be none other than-
Ganondorf.
Yeah yeah, everyone saw it coming. Except for Ruto it seems.
She gasped, slapping her finnish hands together. "Ganondorf! Oh nooooooo! Hey wait a moment, this is great, my darling Linky shall have to come rescue me!" Fishy eyes took on a watery look. "Then he shall help me onto that horse of his, and we shall ride off into the sunset together!"
A disdainful snort from Ganondorf shook her out of her fantasies. "Yeah right. Face it, Fish-Girl, he's got the hots for either the blonde skank, or that screeching farm-bitch."
Ruto blinked. "It's not true!"
Ganondorf sighed world-wearily. "Yes, it is."
"No, it's not!" Ruto pouted, crossing her arms over her chest as she reclined on the couch. "Besides, what do those two have that I don't have?"
"Hmmm...They're Hyrulian perhaps!?" Ganondof rubbed the bridge of his very large nose in frustration. "Ok, here's the deal. I am an evil psychiatrist. Zelda sent you to me, 'cause she wanted you to suffer. How about, instead of you being in pain, yadda yadda, we team up for revenge against that little fairy brat who has caused us both so much woe, and in turn, annoy Zelda?"
The fish princess considered for a moment. "I'm listening..."
~~~~~
Five days later, Link wasn't even aware that Ruto had gone to a psychiatrist. He was about to feel the effects though...
All over the Kokiri village, Kokiri children winced as a loud cry emitted from Link's tree house. "Navi! Tatyl! Come quick!"
Navi and Tatyl, who had been amusing themselves by having a bitch fight over who was the most appropriate fairy for Link ceased their actions and zipped off, occasionally butting into each other. When they reached Link's home though, they definitely weren't prepared for the scene which awaited them.
Green, red and blue tunics lay strewn all over the room, with white tights scattered amongst them. Link was in the process of using his sword to hack through his small dresser, obviously looking for something.
"What the hell are you doing?" The occasionally...ok frequently...vulgar Tatyl asked crossly. Navi thwapped her over the head with one small fairy arm.
"Be nice to Link!"
The two began squabbling again until Link tossed a Deku seed at them, shutting them up. "I need your help!" he said desperately. "My underwear has been stolen!"
Silence. Finally, Tatyl spoke up. "Excuse me?"
Link took a deep breath. "My underwear has been stolen! As in gone! I have to go to Zora's Domain today to see the King as well!"
"No one sees your underwear anywise." Navi suggested helpfully. "You'll be wearing your tights, so it'll all be good."
Running a hand through disheveled bangs, Link resisted- barely- the urge to hit her. "My. BREECHES. Are. White." He said through gritted teeth. "When white clothing gets wet it goes see-through. And Ruto lives at Zora's Domain. A very wet place."
"Oooooh..." Navi said sympathetically. Tatyl on the other hand, just sniffed disdainfully.
"Can the sarcasm, Tights-Boy." Suddenly, she spotted something amidst the ruins of the dresser. "What's this?" she murmured, swooping down and picking up the piece of parchment. Navi immediately followed, and tried to rip it out of her grasp.
"I'll read it for you Link!" The blue lightbulb said proudly, tugging at it.
If Tatyl's face were visible, it would have been seen that she was pouting rather severely. "No, I will read it!" They began to fight again.
Link absent-mindedly swatted both of them aside, and grabbed the parchment. As he read it, his face went white.
Dear Link, (it read)
It's Ganondorf here! I've been temporarily let out of the
Evil Realm to play Freud to your fiancée- oh, Ruto would like
me to tell you that you are now her former fiancée. Anywise, haha!
FEEL MY WRATH! Bwahahahaha! Have fun, oh underwearless, tight wearing
FAIRY-BOY!
Linky darling, Ruto here. Ganny-poo has gone off to laugh evilly. Just
wanted to tell you that if you don't come to Zora's domain today,
Zora/Hyrulian diplomatic relations could be in a lot of trouble. I'll see you at four!
Signed,
Ru-baby and Ganondorf,
master of evil, wielder of the
Triforce of Power, Supreme King of Hyrule for ever and ever, so there!
"I don't know how it happened but...they've...teamed...up." Link stammered. "The ultimate evil..." With that, he dropped to the floor in a dead faint.
End
~~~~~
Ehehehe...*sweatdrops* I love Link! Really I do! *glomps Link fiercely* I would be thrilled if you would tell me what you thought of this. Even if it's just a one word review. I thrive on feedback.