Do you know the feeling, when you're so enraptured in something, when something new has become so automatic within ten seconds, that you forget who you are, you exist only in the moment?
Cloud Strife was kissing Tifa Lockheart.
Tifa found herself comparing this kiss to the one they had shared such a long time ago in her bar. That kiss had been shocking, world-breaking, lush and devastating. She had never much cared for kisses before, she knew, not with the other men she had shared them with. A kiss would feel like a slap across the face, or a melting popsicle shoved in, but never like when he kissed her, never so soft, and cruel because it was so delicious. Her breath had become uneven, like her heartbeat perhaps. She sank away into the kiss, leaned herself into him, longing for whatever this feeling was to strengthen.
Cloud wasn't even thinking anymore. The very deepest part of him, the part he hid away carefully, even in sleep, that part was on the surface now. He was kissing Tifa. There was some faint hissing in the back of his mind, a snake for a conscience, telling him it wasn't the time, wasn't the place, wasn't the right thing to be doing.
Who cares.
He had dreamt of this moment, perhaps mostly due to rampant hormones, but it had become part of him none the less. Kissing Tifa. If he had told himself a week earlier this would have happened, he would have laughed (and then cried). This was a dream come true, a fantasy come alive, a pleasure finally encountered. Kissing Tifa. Actually feeling her, her lips, her tongue, the soft skin between her ear and her jaw where his hands were keeping her his. He felt ecstatic, he felt relieved, felt very, very excited about the whole thing. Hadn't realized any of it yet, though –kissing Tifa..
As it wore on, something neither of them wanted to end but undoubtedly would deny so later on, Tifa found herself emerging on a new sort of level of consciousness. She became aware of every emotion and sensation running through her. This kiss, it was just happening. It was the last thing, clearly, either of them had had on their mind. Imagine going from the conversation they were having, to another emotional outburst on her side, to.. well, to this.
This can't be real. This can't be happening. Cloud's mind had slowly started functioning again. Sadly enough, though, it kept running around in tiny circles. It took him a very long time, as far as thoughts go, to let go of the particular one that he just couldn't believe.. he was actually kissing her.
His next thought was, I don't have the right to be kissing her. She deserves someone human, someone trustworthy.. not me..
But for the first time, he actually felt his stomach jerk, felt his instinct object strongly. He was lying to himself, and the truth came rushing to him.
I don't want to be left down here by her, I want to come back with her, I want to be whole again. I want to save this world. I am the one that caused what is happening now. I –I should be the one to stop it. I want to watch her live.. even if she finds someone who she loves, and I can only love her from around the corner, at the top of the stairs... I want to see her, see how lovely she is every day.. I wish I were human. I wish I hadn't screwed up so much..
He rebelled, for the first time, against the thought that he had no right. Something had flicked a switch in him, telling him he should have a right, he could have any right if he proved himself.
Even.. even if I am a clone, a failed one.. originally created for the purpose of killing, what can I be denied? Why.. why can anyone deny me the right to live, even if my life is artificial? Why can't I tell this woman I love her, and why can't I hope she might love me too?
A war was waged inside of Cloud Strife, a small tempest, a torrent of ideas and emotions dismissed as quickly as they offered themselves.
He was the fault of many things. Sephiroth had managed to destroy much because of Cloud's weakness, he had let many people get hurt, now he had discovered a young man named Zack had been killed because of him.
But perhaps he could try to set things right. The least he could do was try.
He wondered briefly how Tifa would respond to a marriage proposal.
Cloud didn't know what to do exactly, but right now there was only one thing he wanted to do. Keep kissing the girl he held now in his arms. The kiss had grown from tiny and careful to long and sweet and cautious, and was still growing. He couldn't stop, but he didn't seem to notice any objection from her, if only hesitation. It was still soft and slow, and though to Cloud it seemed it had been going on for ages already, it hadn't, of course. It wasn't all that long, as of yet, when going by the average kiss.
To Tifa, it seemed like it had been only a heartbeat, a wink of an eye. And it didn't seem to be getting any longer, even as it continued. She was absolutely fascinated, standing rigid and yet totally relaxed in his touch. If it had been any other time and place, perhaps she would have considered it more didactically, going over each emotion and sensation separately. But now, she was in the Lifestream, and the recent events here had left her a bit unstable, if not near-maniacally distressed. So she let all of it hit her and wash over her softly, basking in the new, familiar warmth of this boy, this man she had never known. She imagined herself floating in the sea, the way she had when she was a young girl, going to the beach with her parents on a Sunday afternoon in august. She remembered how she would let herself drift, and the waves would come crashing towards her, bearing with them a sense of mildness. They would sweep her up, salty water splashing over her face and in her ears, which could be rather annoying, and in her eyes if she didn't shut them well enough. But it was thrilling and relaxing, deliciously fresh after basking in the sun on the white sand. The waves would carry her for a bit, she never knew how far, she would open her eyes eventually and paddle closer to shore to catch the next one. Her parents barely worried; she was an excellent swimmer.
Though it was probably the most unromantic thing she could possibly do, she opened her eyes. When kissing with somebody else, do keep in mind, it means your face is very close to theirs, lips touching. This provides for very poor visuals. This being the case, all she perceived was Cloud's head, right in front of her, and a bit of his shoulders and arms too, since his hands were up holding both sides of her face. So she shut her eyes again, but was nonetheless jolted with reality. Even though they weren't in their actual bodies, as they had derived earlier, this was still a very real kiss. Very, very much so.
Why is Cloud kissing me? Tifa wondered. Not that she minded all that much, but still.. Out of shock, she had forgotten to cry. Why had she been crying again? Oh yes, the whole thing about him not wanting to return.. then why was he kissing her? Trying to convince her to stay there with him? Making her confused before she left him, just for the hell of it? Whatever, she thought. Not as if I'm not enjoying it.
Suddenly though, she realised what would happen next, and pulled away from Cloud.
No, oh no, you can't do that to me, Cloud.. it ran through her head as they faced each other, longing for the warmth they had just shared but very ready to deny it. Cloud's expression was entirely open, eyes wide, fixed on her. She felt ready to grab him and pull him towards her, but didn't.
Tifa turned away from Cloud, a flurry of emotions pouncing on her like a kitten wanting to play, to then discover it had evolved into a tiger and couldn't help but barrel her over, even with the best of intentions.
Holy shit, what do I do now, she wondered, feeling increasingly stupid. Out of sheer disbelief and estrangement, she started soundlessly to laugh.
All Cloud saw was her shoulders shaking, and he decided this was a good time to pretty much give up on life.
"..Tifa..?" His voice was hoarse.
"Oh my.. this sure puts a spin on things.." Was her, rather non sequitur-esque, reply. He didn't know she was afraid to meet his eyes.
He kept his silence. She, however, did not.
"Why did you just kiss me?"
He let out a long breath, aware of the feeling that his innards had exploded and were now lazily oozing down into his boots. Because I've wanted to kiss you forever and my self-control is down to zero at the moment, and because.. well, because it's you.. he suddenly hated himself even more. He shook his head violently.
"Look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have."
She whirled around. "And why shouldn't you have kissed me?" she asked softly. Cloud got the distinct feeling that whatever he answered to this, it would be wrong.
She regarded him, her eyes shining in the way of dark glass held away from light; you knew it held a colour to it, but all you could see was a timid, nearly cold glint, not holding any colour besides the promise that it could if it wanted to.
She was scaring him. Everything was always scaring him, as of late.
"You must know you're a very attractive young man," she said casually. "You must know of a few women especially attracted to you. Do you think you could name any? I could."
He thought he might do well to keep his silence.
"Could you describe your favourite type of woman to me, Cloud?" She went on, voice cold. "Long and slender, perhaps, light brown hair? Lovely, wide emerald eyes, a heart of gold, of virgin snow? Yes, I think you'd match a woman like that well. Don't really see what you're still doing with a slut like me.."
He stared at her. "You're kidding, right?"
"Hmm? About what would I be kidding, dear Cloud?"
He shook his head, trying to clear it. She just looked at him, sadness and anger creeping over her face. She had had enough with it. When would she learn not to surrender herself like that? She always did, when it came to him. She was absolutely helpless, when it came to him.
"I don't understand what you're talking about." he stated, face suddenly cold, blue eyes suddenly like ice instead of sunlit sky. Two could play this game.
Bordeaux eyes bored into him. He felt awkward. He stood, shoulders squared, looking down at this girl who had managed to unsettle him again. Why can't anything in this fake-life of mine go smoothly?
"Why did you kiss me, Cloud?" she asked again.
He remained silent.
"I'm sure you've had chances, along the line- did you kiss Aeris, when you had the chance?"
"No."
"Why not? Didn't you love Aeris, Cloud?"
His eyebrows shot up.
"Isn't that why you've near-well lost your mind, Cloud? Because you let her die? Aeris, of all people? The one girl who was so beautiful and innocent you would give up everything just to see her smile? The girl-"
"Stop it!" he ordered her roughly. She gave him a smug look of defiance, and continued on. He blocked out her voice and turned around. Why could she make him feel so incredibly stupid? How could she turn the kiss they had just shared against him?
"Why would you kiss me if you loved Aeris Gainsborough, Cloud?" she demanded.
"Damnit, I never loved Aeris!" he shouted back at her.
"I don't believe you."
"Why not? You've been the only one that has believed me, that has trusted me completely, during the past few months, why won't you-"
"Yes, I have, of course I have, I'm your best friend!" He heard the spite in her voice, and the taunt. "I'm supposed to be the one that always supports you, I'm supporting you now with your choice in love, aren't I!?"
"Tifa, please, stop being so unsubtly sarcastic and talk to me like a normal person-"
"But Cloud, I don't feel like a normal person, why would I want to behave like one-"
"Maybe because you're being really annoying at the moment, maybe because you're making no sense at all-"
"Yeah!? Well maybe that's because I can't stand the idea of you being in love with Aeris!"
He snarled, "maybe I'm not in love with Aeris, maybe I'm in love with you!"
Tifa couldn't remember all that much after that, besides gasping for breath.