Dinner was spent in a relaxed fashion, with everyone sitting out on deck of the Airship and enjoying the company of the mild evening sun.
A breeze curled itself through Tifa's hair and mussed it charmingly. She ran an impatient, uninterested hand through it in an attempt to keep it straight and untangled. She had already finished her bagel, and was now delicately, almost frivolously, picking at her salad with her ebony chopsticks. Somehow, no one else noticed, but Cloud watched her closely the whole time.
Oh, and she knew he was watching her. And he knew that she knew. She had avoided his eyes the entire time. He was losing patience, rapidly. He was trying to see what she was thinking, but she was closed to him, uncharacteristically emotionless and silent.
Usually she never got frustrated with wind in her hair. Usually she loved having it blow through her hair. Usually she didn't pick listlessly at her food -usually she was even the one who would want to cook. Usually.. damnit, usually she would meet his eyes and smile at him.
Just closing his eyes he could imagine her smile. When Tifa was enthusiastic and cheerful, she would smile this brilliant, blinding, and somehow shy, grin. When she was hesitant and nervous, then a quiet, half-apologetic smile would creep up to her lips. When she was in a mood of especial tenderness, then she would just have the most wonderful sweet smile on her face, the expression in her eyes one of surrender and love.
He glanced at her for what was easily the hundredth time, ignoring the ache in his gut.
Damn it, look at me. Meet my eyes. Don't leave me hanging like this, Tifa..
*
Tifa sighed. She looked off over the rail of the Airship, though she wasn't looking at anything really. The deck was clear of interference; no one stood on it save a pale young woman with long brown hair blowing loosely behind her in the wind.
She pushed it from her face in frustration. Images and words kept running through her tired brain, struggling for attention. She had finally figured it out.
She could remember conversations with Cloud, hugs with Cloud, kisses with Cloud. She could remember so much, while none of it had happened. She was disgusted with herself. What was wrong with her? She was.. she seemed to be hallucinating, imagining things that weren't there.
Yuffie's voice rang clear. ..didn't you love Cloud?
Tifa's mouth twitched. Oh, yes, she loved Cloud. She loved him so much she was growing to hate him. And everyone else. And herself.
This was where she would let things change. She had felt unanswered love long enough. She had hated herself long enough. If she hated herself much longer, she would kill herself, simply by living the lie. If the only way to stop hating herself would be to stop caring so much for Cloud, then she would stop it. She would force herself to.
She pondered for a moment how she had come to this conclusion, because she was pretty sure that before the Lifestream, she hadn't thought for a moment of turning her back on Cloud, on love. She didn't know. It was like a feeling she had woken up with, and had been unable, unwilling to shake. But this weight pressing down on her offered her protection and she would not negate it. It was all very simple, really. It was so easy to let go when peace, when withdrawal was promised.
"There you are." said a voice behind her. Its timbre rang clearly in her ears and she told herself she hated it. She only half-turned, not really meeting his eyes but somehow succeeding in pretending to. Her thoughts grew dark red and stormy.
"You were looking for me then?" she asked.
"Yeah." he was warm but careful. What had he perceived?
"What's the matter?"
"I.. nothing really, I just wanted to see how -"
"Why did you come to talk to me if there isn't anything the matter?" she asked, not feeling either overly upset or distinctively interested. Enough.
A moment's disturbed silence. "I.." he shook his head and looked at her. She decided not to meet his eyes. The sun was setting.
"Don't you remember anything from the Lifestream?" He suddenly asked her. She could feel his eyes search her face, and she knew he found it to be expressionless. Her attention was drawn by several clouds colored orange by the sunset, and her eyes drifted to them. Cloud, cloud, clouds.
"Tifa?"
Her attention snapped to him, she suddenly heard his question. Lifestream? What? Everything I remember -she shook her head. "I don't think I know what you're talking about." she replied, feeling an itch in the back of her mind, begging her to please think before she responded. She ignored the itch, the way itches should be ignored.
"Are you sure you don't understand what I mean?"
"Cloud, it's absolutely impossible that anything might have happened down there between us."
"I never said anything about things that might have happened down there between us," he repeated after her cynically, "but somehow you just happened to come upon it."
She made herself meet his eyes. They were cold, bright blue. He was angry. She thought to herself that deep down she felt like crying, but she didn't. She wouldn't let him see her weak. She had better things to do with her life.
"What if I just don't care, Cloud? What if none of it is important?"
She corrected herself on her earlier thoughts, and thought to herself that the Tifa from before the Lifestream would have felt like crying, had he said something like this to her. But not her, not the new and improved Tifa.
The look in his eyes was meaningful, and held bitterness. It gave her an odd sinking feeling. She found it was easy to keep her face expressionless and uninterested.
He opened his mouth once more -she watched his lips move, and couldn't resist drifting back to the -Dream! Damnit, it had been a dream!- feeling of being kissed by him -and his face neared hers dangerously. Her eyes skipped from his mouth to his eyes. Oh God, would he kiss her?
He did not.
"I want to be able to spreak with you undisturbed. Meet me at the ruins in Mideel at midnight." he murmured to her, mouth disastrously close to her ear. She could feel her pulse racing.
She shrugged, turned away from him and focused her attention back to whatever there was in the distance, as long as it was not him. He strode away. She turned to watch him go, and cursed herself softly for it.
*
Though she didn't really want to, Tifa met Cloud at the ruins of Mideel. The village was haunted now, it seemed. The stilt houses were desolate and doomed up like skeletal faces, broken glass eye windows. Her eyes narrowed at her own metaphor. This had better be over soon.
For some reason, she headed straight for the ruin that was the Mideel Clinic. She stepped around the rubble, watching where she put her feet. A green glow entered her field of vision. Her gaze glided up to halt at the massive pool of Lifestream, lying silently before her.
The Lifestream. She remembered every second from when she had fallen in, Cloud before her in the wheelchair. God, he had been such a vegetable, she remembered. Bizarre that, while he had been poisoned with Mako, falling into the Lifestream seemed to have healed him. As if something had actually happened to him down there.
Suddenly, she was attacked by the image of Cloud kissing her, and her then yelling at him for it. And then them kissing again. She blinked.
A hand touched her arm and she jumped. It was Cloud, of course, standing behind her. She suddenly became aware that he was a head taller than she was. She stepped away, careful to keep her distance.
"You could have just said something." she remarked over her shoulder.
He didn't reply.
"What did you want to talk about?"
"What happened in the Lifestream," came his voice from behind her.
"We fell in, we got pulled out?" she tried.
"No. We were together for what felt like days and you helped me in believing I was not a clone."
"Cloud, that didn't happen." she said, made of stone.
"It did."
She sighed. "Look, Cloud.. I can't help it if you dreamt -"
"It wasn't a dream."
She was readily growing annoyed. She half-turned to face him. He seemed exhausted but determined. She felt a tug in her gut and pushed it away.
"I can't believe you sometimes, you know that?" she murmured. He shrugged now, and she looked back to the Lifestream.
"Well, tell me.. did you dream too?" he asked softly. She turned fully to him this time.
"If you must know, then yes, I did dream."
"What about?" he stepped towards her and she automatically stepped back. Frightened dancers.
"It doesn't matter.. it was only a dream."
Before she could step away again, he grabbed her arm and pulled her closer. She was pale.
"Tell me, Tifa, did you dream of telling me of what the Weapons did to Mideel? Telling me of your would-be execution? Did you dream of remembering who you kicked down the stairs five years ago, and who saved your life after that, when Sephiroth almost killed you?"
Her eyes were definitely wider now, even as she stared passively the other way. He was winning ground.
"Do you remember the time we spent together? Do you remember what else we did down there? You're a great kisser when you're drunk, does that ring a bell?"
Her head snapped up to him and then she forced her gaze past his shoulder at a broken down wall.
"How about finding my own path? How about sugarplums? How about this?" and in one fluid motion he pulled her to him and kissed her, his hand still clutching her arm. After a tiny hesitance, she began to struggle, but he wouldn't let her go immediately. When he did, she smacked him.
"Don't!" she exclaimed. He was afraid she would say, don't ever do that again, but she did not. Her lips pressed together, and her face seemed divine, round and white like the moon, her lips as white as the smooth skin on her belly. Her eyes were two bright stars, far away and threatening to have died before he could reach and pluck them from the sky...
"Don't." she murmured. His attention was fixated on her.
He pressed, "Why not, Tifa? Can't you remember any of -"
"Shut up, shut up! I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to listen to you, shut up, shut up!" she shouted angrily, losing self-control for a small moment.
"Tifa!" he snarled at her. "Stop trying to hide from me!"
She swallowed what she had wanted to yell, and instead, "A dream, Cloud. None of it was real. There happened nothing. There is nothing."
"You're lying! It's not true!" he shouted. Cloud heard his own voice and realised he was not making an accusation but begging her, pleading her to be lying.
"Prove it," she asked, "show me something you shouldn't know, something I would have had to have told you down there."
A heavy silence sank in between them. She had recovered her layer of crystal, of ice, and her expression had dissapeared, and she had regained the composure of a doll. Her head tilted back, arched brows, unpainted, frosted lips, thick lashes over burgundy eyes rimmed with silver and blood. He had never seen her like this before, deathly, and it frightened him.
Prove it.
And suddenly Cloud Strife was struck with an idea, the whisper of a bitter breeze curling itself venomously around him. But the idea.. his mouth set. He would hate himself for this, especially if it worked..
"Tifa.."
"What now, Cloud?" she met his eyes coolly, never letting anything on.
"I know your secret."
He stepped toward her. She didn't move. His eyes were purposeful. His voice was drawn back, mesmerizing like cold crystalclear water.
He knew it would scare her and she knew it was working.
He came a little closer. She forced herself to keep taking deep breaths. It was too tempting to let him hurt her by listening to whatever he had to say..
"I know how you feel about me."
What!? She stared at his shoulder. Deep breath, Tifa, deep breath. We're past that now.
"I know why you stayed with me at Mideel."
His voice was ruthless as he moved around the girl, stopping when he stood behind her.
Deep breath. Deep breath. .
Shallow breath no breath, oh God oh God what was happening? Sinking, falling dropping Dead.
"Tifa.. I know you can't live without me."
He leaned to her, whispering into her ear from behind her. She couldn't move a muscle. Tears ran screaming protests silently down repentant cheeks. She opened her eyes, looking up, mouth opened a little to keep from suffocating, keep from drowning. Eyes were beautiful in despair, searching the skies for any God, any Saviour. Please..
"I know you love me."
Click.
With a scream, Tifa spun around to him. Something had ripped inside, a woolen fog blanket pulled too roughly from her aching, cold limbs. There was no will to hide anything, there was no will to deny anything any longer. But there was anger, to hate anything, anyone.
One could say all hell broke loose.
As she turned towards him, Cloud saw tears streaking her cheeks. That was in the split second before her fist connected with his gut. With everything that snapped in Tifa Lockheart, this was the only way she could release it. Her small, slender hands balled into experienced fists, and before either of them knew it she was hitting him, again and again and again and not being able to stop.
Though he hadn't expected it, he wasn't about to stop her. He deserved this, and she deserved to be able to let go of this. He took each hit with determination. He couldn't help but think that he seemed to have finally broken through her wall, torn through her mask. He didn't want to know at what price.
After what felt like an age, though it had undoubtedly only been several seconds, Tifa sped up her punches; leaving less and less time in between each one, uttering a small helpless cry after each one. He felt himself growing slightly nauseous.
Suddenly, with a heartrending sob, she hit him again, but now with a force ten times greater than anything else she had hit him with. Final.. Heaven..?
Within the fraction of the second that he saw her glowing fist shooting nearer, all he could think was, I made her use her final limit..
He could have sworn there was a small explosion the moment it hit him. He heard the crack of at least two ribs, and then he staggered back and fell gasping to the floor, struggling to stay conscious.
Tifa stood there, breathing heavily, eyes closed. Tears coursed darkly, steadily still, down her face. She leaned to one side, looked as if she might fall over and die right there.
He wanted to say something, but all he did was cough and taste blood.
"Cloud.."
"I know that you're going to hate me.. but did it work, Tiff? Is it you again?" his voice a whisper. His heart was making little jumps and spasms, and he could feel it clenching, sending stitches of pain through his chest. He was met with silence.
Minutes passed and then she was tacid. Her breathing was slow and quiet, like that of a sleeping child. She was still trembling. Her tears had stopped, her cheeks were flushed. Her arms wrapped around her middle, her head bowed. She seemed sick, and feverish, and all he could think was, it was because of him.
He grew extremely nauseous at the thought, but he did not vomit, simply because his body did not have the strength to vomit. Eventually she raised her head, and for the longest time, she ignored him and all she did was look at the Lifestream, and where it had nestled its watery body down the path. The green light reflected unnaturally off her cheeks. His eyes blurred. He reached jerkily up to his face. Was he crying..?
She shifted her weight. He wiped away tears but couldn't stop more from coming. After another blank period of time, she came over to him and knelt down beside him.
"I.." she started softly, looking down.
"Don't -" he said, his hand covering his face.
"Cloud,"
"I'm sorry." voice choked. "God, Tifa, I'm so sorry."
She gently drew away his hand. "So you're human after all. You're crying."
He nodded.
"Oh, Cloud."
"I'm sorry," he whispered again, at a loss for any other words. He suddenly thought himself a young child, having done something mean and done someone wrong, and only now finding out, and feeling so terribly awkward and regretful about it, and trying to apologize to them.. feeling tiny and silly and hoping for understanding.
She lifted his shirt and inspected his bruised abdomen carefully, not responding to his last apology. "It's already starting to turn purple."
He exhaled and forced himself to sit up. He suppressed a cry and sucked in air through his teeth. She steadied him with her hand, though it was still shaking.
"I really beat you badly." she quietly remarked.
"I really hurt you badly." he responded flatly.
"No, but I-"
"Tifa, I deserved it. I deserved it." and he cocked half a smile at her.
After a second, her face tightened and tears came out of her eyes again and her mouth pulled into a combination of a sob and a laugh. "Yeah.. you kind of did.." she sob-laughed, and leaned into him the way only she could, letting his tired arms drape warmly around her shoulders as they sat there.
He took her sweet crying face and kissed it. After a moment's struggle in trying to keep both of them sitting up, Cloud gave in and lay back down with her on him. He kissed her again, and then saw that she was smiling, and he kissed her smile.
God, how he loved her. He loved her so intensely, so ultimately and completely that it was heart-wrenching. He loved her as she smiled tearfully at him, as she pressed her face into his chest to sob a little more, just to get it out of her system, he loved her, he loved her. He had loved her forever and would love her still.
"Hey," she smiled, muffled into his sweater, "I made you cry."
"Yeah."
"You don't cry all that often."
"About once every five years." he laughed.
"Five years ago?"
"You were at the Nibel reactor."
"Oh, Cloud." and they were still for a very long time, just cuddling each other endlessly.
After ages, she half-sat up, and looked down at him pensively.
"You're a bastard." she said.
"Sorry?"
"What you did. You're a bastard." she repeated.
"But you still love me."
Whack! She smacked him again and he groaned. "Tifa.."
"Cloud.. I was tired. I'm sorry I did that to you but I had no choice. I was tired of being in love and not being able to tell you, I was tired of being haunted by.. by Aeris, and by everyone from our past.. I was tired of holding this uncertainty so near to me at all times. It hurt, I wanted to live normally.. I just wanted peace."
"I'm sorry." he said softly.
A corner of her mouth twitched. "I can't help it though. My being is intertwined with you, and only you, it seems."
His eyes blinked shut, a smile touched his face. Yessss. She ran a finger along the side of his face. He reached up and took her hand.
"I do love you, you know." she said delicately.
"And I love you. But you already knew that."
She smiled. "Yeah." and snuggled into his arms again. So warm. This was the feeling only he could give her, one of total reassurance and care, pure love and welcome relenting. She came home every time she kissed him.
Cloud let out a little laugh. "Look at us. I bully you beyond belief, you beat the living crap out of me, then we're down on the ground having a nice little confession session."
"Yeah, we're funny like that, I guess." Her smile was wider now. "Best friends can do stuff like this."
He flashed her a strange look, stifling the smile on her face. "I don't want to be best friends with you." He said.
A moment's silence. "You.. don't?"
"Jesus, no, Tifa, I want to have children with you."
"Oh.." She said, relief and amusement crossing her face. "But.. haven't you ever heard of the saying that best friends have the best sex?" she teased.
He laughed. "No -but if that's true, then I take it back. You're my best friend!"
She leaned over and kissed him on the lips for what had to be the seventeenth time in two minutes. His hand went up to her face. She broke away a few seconds later.
"You taste like blood."
"Heh. No shit."
"I think it's kinda sexy." she said jokingly, and sat up on top of him. He held back a groan.
"Now watch me find out you're sado-masochistic." he half-laughed, mouth still drawn a little in pain.
"Oh, no, I'm just still a little upset with you, that's all." And she leaned forward again.
"Makes me wonder what the marital arguments are gonna be like." he joked.
She smiled and kissed him again. He was talking about marrying her.
"You can't get up, can you?" she asked him.
"Not with a fat ass like you sitting on top of -ow, ow, stop it, ow, I was joking, ow-"
"Mmm.. Cloud, isn't tonight perfect to sleep beneath the stars?"
"Why? You wanna sleep out here tonight?"
"Um, no.. but if you aren't able to get up soon, you will be sleeping out beneath the stars."
She carefully moved off him and stood up. "Coming?" she teased him.
He sat up and doubled over in pain. "Jesus."
After trying a few times, he had to stop trying before it killed him. He couldn't stand.
She shook her head and turned to go.
"You can't seriously just walk away and leave me like that!" he cried out after her.
She stopped, and turned to him pensively. "No, you're right.." and she walked back.
Plunk.
"Ow," he said rather lamely as something small hit him in the forehead. She started to walk off again.
"You can't do this to me!" he called after her accusingly, sort of amused with the whole thing.
"Sure I can! We love each other and we're best friends. We can screw each other over all we want."
"I prefer the term 'make love'.." he suggested dryly, but she was already down the path, clear laughter ringing out behind her.
What had she dropped on his head? He sat up again, eyes unfocused. He felt around for a moment, then found it. Laughing, he held a sparkling green cure materia.