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it's so much fun! Next chapter might be a few days in coming, you know,
school and everything.
Chapter 15 Ahhh Pranks to Play at Last!
The days passed quietly, there was no sign of Voldemort anywhere. Not a single killing since the Halloween attack. Hogwarts was returning to "normal", and that meant that the Marauders had a BIG job on their hands. And to top it all off the Midyear dance was coming in two weeks.
This year Harry didn't have any trouble finding a partner, Ron was going with Hermione and he was going with Ira, done, no big fuss. Now the hard part, pranks.
The prefects weren't allowed to decorate for this dance; the teachers were doing it all. Harry met Ira at the stairs, neither had put hours and hours of effort into getting dressed up, they weren't planning to stay at the dance. The four agreed on eye catching muggle outfits to wear, something that would attract plenty of attention to the Marauders. Harry and Ron wore black T-shirts, and western style black leather jackets with silver and gold embroidery, the jackets had a black fringe running along the sleeves and down in a V from the shoulders to center, each individual string had a gold and silver bead at the top, each t-shirt had the word Marauders on it and arms, one reaching in form each corner to a pile in the center, all in silver and gold. They also wore long straight black pants with a black fringe down the side, these fringes also each had a silver and gold bead, along with a gold and silver belt and black dragon-hide boots with gold and silver buckles. They were quite pleased with the design. Hermione and Ira wore the same type of jacket over a sleeveless shirt, they wore long black leather leggings and medium black skirts with small slits in the sides, all decorated with the Marauders symbol and silver and gold. It WAS very noticeable attire and attracted a lot of weird looks.
Harry and Ira went to the dance, and stayed for an hour, after which they quietly slipped away. Ron and Hermione were still dancing. They split up, Ira went back to Gryffindor to get some things while Harry hurried to Ravenclaw. He paused outside the Ravenclaw dorms, someone was coming, to Harry's astonishment Draco Malfoy came down the corridor, carrying some dung bombs. They stopped and stared at each other for a minute, and then Harry smiled laughed.
"Great minds think alike! Were you too planning to pull off a few pranks while everyone was at the ball?" He asked.
There was no reason for him to expect any response other then a typical Draco Malfoy one, but something in his manner and the whole idea of them having the exact same thought about what to do during the ball made him give a civil reply, and a small smile.
"Yeah." Harry was astonished, but didn't let it show.
"Do you reckon there's anyone in there?" He asked.
"Dunno, except for the 1-3rd years no one should be, exce-"
"Shh," Harry glanced back along the corridor, someone was coming, an Order patrol. "Play along," he murmured to Malfoy and knelt, untied his shoe and tangled the laces around a gold and silver buckle, and proceeded to very slowly untangle and retie it. Remus and another member of the Copper Patrol Harry recognized as Pam came around the corner. Pam's gaze ran over them and on, Remus slowed in stride and watched the two carefully to make sure they weren't fighting. Harry saw his gaze lift to the tapestry and he seemed to hesitate, Harry caught his eyes and flicked his eyes back at the tapestry and gave Remus a meaningful look. As he began to tie the laces of his boot he made a quick gesture to the Marauders symbol on his shirt, Remus go the idea and hurried off.
"That was close." Malfoy whispered softly when they were far enough away.
"Huh, say how about we join forces, mess up Hufflepuff then head to Ravenclaw and get them? And then maybe a little prank in the staff room?" Harry asked. Malfoy considered for a moment.
"Well, okay, there'd better not be anyone in their common room," he turned to the tapestry.
"Transparatio!" Harry said, flicking his wand at a tapestry. It became see- through. The Hufflepuff common room in black and yellow, there didn't seem to be a single living person. "Helga." Harry said, a hole opened in the tapestry and they climbed through. "What were you planning to do?" Harry asked.
"Put dung bombs in the furniture." Draco replied, glancing at Harry.
"Alright, I'll set up glue to drip from the ceiling, you know the kind that hardens the second it touches something." Harry said, and they went to work.
"How about we time it to drop just after the bombs goes off, or before? They'll finish un-sticking themselves just to have bombs explode all over them." Draco suggested.
"I'll set a timer spell on the glue for ten seconds after the bombs. Should we make the carpet grow grass?" Draco blinked at him in astonishment.
"Uh okay, blue and green? Neon of course." He asked.
"Sounds good." Harry replied, he finished with the glue and went to work on the carpet, Draco was stuffing dung bombs under the cushions of a couch. When they had finished they stopped to survey their work.
"Shall we go on to Ravenclaw?" Harry asked after a few minutes, Ira was supposed to be meeting them there, he wondered how she'd react to this change in Malfoy.
"Alright, I've got three fireworks and two dung bombs left." They left and hurried off to Ravenclaw, they went in, just as the door closed behind them it opened again and Ira came in. She did a quick double take at the sight of Malfoy, but didn't say anything until she'd scanned the room and hallways for students.
"Didn't expect to see you here. What's up?"
"I had planned to dung bomb the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws myself, Harry and I met outside Hufflepuff and joined forces." Harry relaxed; there wasn't a hint of sarcasm or loathing in Malfoy's voice. Hopefully that meant a truce had been declared, for now, hopefully forever. Draco would be a useful ally, he was a good wizard, and Harry sensed he had a nice side to him. Wondering if this was so Harry broke through the blocking spell on Malofy's mind. He had set his "hooks" into all the Slytherins, 89% of the students had these "hooks" in their minds.
Come on, I'm not an enemy damn it! I'm not one of them, come on. Agree, say it's okay. Harry, slightly behind Malfoy, gave Ira a small nod, Malfoy could be trusted.
"Alright. I've go the sand." Ira held up a small bag, in order to conjure up huge quantities of things it was best to have a small sample with you already. Harry and Ira set about filling up the entire Ravenclaw dorms with three feet of pink sand.
"You see, everything has three feet of it, even the stairways, it won't hurt them. They'll just land in sand if the fall. And the common room will have four feet of it. All bright pink, but we're going to hang it from the ceiling so that it'll all fall like fast falling snow during the night. A strong illusion will cover it up." Ira explained. Draco began working on the spells to keep it on the ceiling and Harry finished with his part of the sand and started on the illusion. It took longer then the Hufflepuffs, but when it was done it would be better. They all finished and admired their work for a moment.
"Staff room?" Draco suggested and they were off.
"What are we doing here?" Ira asked once they'd entered the empty staff room.
"This will be great. You see there's this muggle…TV character… named Barney. He's a big pink-purple dinosaur. I'm not entirely sure what he looks like but I'll create him here. Each of you makes a big snowman, with fangs and spiked icicle-hair. Really mean and fierce looking. The we enchant them all so that when the door opens the dinosaur says "Hi everybody! I'm Barney, and these are my good friends Jack and Jill! Really happy like, ecstatic at seeing whomever opens the door. The snowmen come out from behind the fat dinosaur and sneer and wave long pointed stick- arms. Then the dinosaur sticks out one foot, the foot grows until it fills the doorway, then steps down on whomever the poor soul is whose standing there, but the rest of the dinosaur doesn't grow, just the foot, then the foot shrinks back to normal size. Then the snowmen pounce, their mouths open and grow really big, filled with huge sharp teeth, when they hit the person the snowmen explode, covering them in orange snow that turns their hair orange. The professor has been knocked back into the hallway so now the snowmen vanish back through the door and it shuts, waiting for someone else to open it." Draco and Ira looked at each other.
"Off his rocker, but brilliant." Ira pronounced, Draco just shook his head, hiding a smile.
Once they were done with the staff room they ran laughing back to the ball. It was almost over but they spent the rest of the night telling Ron and Hermione what they had done. After a little initial disgust at seeing Malfoy, Ron and Hermione got over their surprise at learning that their enemy of five years had a nice side and relaxed. From then on Draco Malfoy became their friend, and accompanied them on their pranks.
**
Harry slumped into bed, exhausted. He'd been assigning Patrol's missions all evening. Each Patrol got a new mission each week, unless it was a long mission. Voldemort had attacked two days ago, kidnapped five muggles and killed twelve. Oh well, tonight he could sleep all night for the first time in three days. The Marauders had spent most of the last three nights working on one of their bets pranks yet, another play. It would be shown the next morning at breakfast, he couldn't wait.
**
(AN: If you haven't seen Monty Python or are not a fan you had best skip this chapter)
The next morning, just as breakfast was ending, one wall of the dining hall dissolved in blackness and writing appeared.
The Magical Mischief Making Marauders are Hugely and Horribly Proud to Present
AN ORIGONAL SKETCH BY
THE HOGWART'S MARAUDER OF THE ROUND TABLE
1 THE SPANISH INQUISITION
Hermione: Trouble at mill.
Ira: Oh no - what kind of trouble?
Hermione: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle.
Ira: Pardon?
Hermione: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle.
Ira: I don't understand what you're saying.
Hermione: (slightly irritatedly and with exaggeratedly clear accent) One of the cross beams has gone out askew on the treddle.
Ira: Well what on earth does that mean?
Hermione: *I* don't know - Mr Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
(JARRING CHORD)
(The door flies open and Cardinal Ron of Spain enters, flanked by
two junior cardinals. Cardinal Harry has goggles pushed over his
forehead. Cardinal Draco is just Cardinal Fang)
Ron: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is
suprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two
weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our
*three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an
almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*...no...
*Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as
fear, surprise.... I'll come in again. (Exit and exeunt)
Hermione: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
(JARRING CHORD)
(The cardinals burst in)
Ron: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such
diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost
fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn! (To
Cardinal Biggles) I can't say it - you'll have to say it.
Harry: What?
Ron: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...'
Harry: (rather horrified): I couldn't do that...
(Ron bundles the cardinals outside again)
Hermione: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
(JARRING CHORD)
(The cardinals enter)
Harry: Er.... Nobody...um....
Ron: Expects...
Harry: Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Spanish...um...
Ron: Inquisition.
Harry: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact,
those who do expect -
Ron: Our chief weapons are...
Harry: Our chief weapons are...um...er...
Ron: Surprise...
Harry: Surprise and --
Ron: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah!
...our chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. Cardinal, read the charges.
Draco: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy
against the Holy Church. 'My old man said follow the--'
Harry: That's enough. (To Ira) Now, how do you plead?
Ira: We're innocent.
Ron: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
(Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER')
Harry: We'll soon change your mind about that!
(Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL ACTING')
Ron: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- (controls himself with a
supreme effort) Ooooh! Now, Cardinal -- the rack!
(Harry produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Ron looks at it and
clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover
his anger)
Ron: You....Right! Tie her down.
(Draco and Harry make a pathetic attempt to tie her on to the drying rack)
Ron: Right! How do you plead?
Ira: Innocent.
Ron: Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack (oh dear) give the rack a turn.
(Harry stands there awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders)
Harry: I....
Ron: (gritting his teeth) I *know*, I know you can't. I didn't want to say
anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.
Harry: I...
Ron: It makes it all seem so stupid.
Harry: Shall I...?
Ron: No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!
(Harry turns an imaginary handle on the side of the dish-rack)
(Cut to them torturing a dear old lady, (Ira))
Ron: Now, old woman -- you are accused of heresy on three counts -- heresy
by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action --
*four* counts. Do you confess?
Ira: I don't understand what I'm accused of.
Ron: Ha! Then we'll make you understand! Harry! Fetch...THE CUSHIONS!
(JARRING CHORD)
(Harry holds out two ordinary modern household cushions)
Harry: Here they are, sir.
Ron: Now, old lady -- you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin
of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly -- *two* last chances. And
you shall be free -- *three* last chances. You have three last
chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.
Ira: I don't know what you're talking about.
Ron: Right! If that's the way you want it -- Cardinal! Poke her with the
soft cushions!
(Harry carries out this rather pathetic torture)
Ron: Confess! Confess! Confess!
Harry: It doesn't seem to be hurting her, sir.
Ron: Have you got all the stuffing up one end?
Harry: Yes, sir.
Ron (angrily hurling away the cushions): Hm! She is made of harder
stuff! Cardinal Draco! Fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR!
(JARRING CHORD)
(Zoom into Draco's horrified face)
Draco (terrified): The...Comfy Chair?
(Harry pushes in a comfy chair -- a really plush one)
Ron: So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft
cushions. Well, we shall see, Harry! Put her in the Comfy Chair!
(They roughly push her into the Comfy Chair)
Ron (with a cruel leer): Now -- you will stay in the Comfy Chair until
lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven.
(aside, to Harry) Is that really all it is?
Harry: Yes, sir.
Ron: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we?
Confess, woman. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess!
Harry: I confess!
Ron: Not you!
(Sketch ends)
Draco appears sitting behind a desk. "And now for something completely different.
THE CHEESE SHOP SKETCH
(Harry is the customer (C) and Ron is the owner (O))
Customer: Good Morning.
Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium!
Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man.
Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?
C: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now,
skimming through "Rogue Herrys" by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over
all peckish.
O: Peckish, sir?
C: Esuriant.
O: Eh?
C: 'Ee, Ah wor 'ungry-loike!
O: Ah, hungry!
C: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little fermented curd will do
the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and
infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy
comestibles!
O: Come again?
C: I want to buy some cheese.
O: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player!
C: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the
Terpsichorean muse!
O: Sorry?
C: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!
O: So he can go on playing, can he?
C: Most certainly! Now then, some cheese please, my good man.
O: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?
C: Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester.
O: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir.
C: Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?
O: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it
fresh on Monday.
C: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if
you please.
O: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this
morning.
C: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bel Paese?
O: Sorry, sir.
C: Red Windsor?
O: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
C: Ah. Stilton?
O: Sorry.
C: Ementhal? Gruyere?
O: No.
C: Any Norweigan Jarlsburg, per chance.
O: No.
C: Lipta?
O: No.
C: Lancashire?
O: No.
C: White Stilton?
O: No.
C: Danish Brew?
O: No.
C: Double Goucester?
O: pause No.
C: Cheshire?
O: No.
C: Dorset Bluveny?
O: No.
C: Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Port Salut, Savoy Aire, Saint Paulin, Carrier
de lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson?
O: No.
C: Camenbert, perhaps?
O: Ah! We have Camenbert, yessir.
C: (suprised) You do! Excellent.
O: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit runny...
C: Oh, I like it runny.
O: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.
C: No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France! Mmmwah!
O: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.
C: I don't care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.
O: Oooooooooohhh........! pause
C: What now?
O: The cat's eaten it.
C: pause Has he.
O: She, sir.
(pause)
C: Gouda?
O: No.
C: Edam?
O: No.
C: Case Ness?
O: No.
C: Smoked Austrian?
O: No.
C: Japanese Sage Darby?
O: No, sir.
C: You...do *have* some cheese, don't you?
O: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got--
C: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
O: Fair enough.
C: Uuuuuh, Wensleydale.
O: Yes?
C: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!
O: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir.
Mister Wensleydale, that's my name.
(pause)
C: Greek Feta?
O: Uh, not as such.
C: Uuh, Gorgonzola?
O: no
C: Parmesan,
O: no
C: Mozarella,
O: no
C: Paper Cramer,
O: no
C: Danish Bimbo,
O: no
C: Czech sheep's milk,
O: no
C: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?
O: Not *today*, sir, no.
(pause)
C: Aah, how about Cheddar?
O: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
C: Not much ca--It's the single most popular cheese in the world!
O: Not 'round here, sir.
C: slight pause and what IS the most popular cheese 'round hyah?
O: 'Illchester, sir.
C: IS it.
O: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.
C: Is it.
O: It's our number one best seller, sir!
C: I see. Uuh...'Illchester, eh?
O: Right, sir.
C: All right. Okay.
'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
O: I'll have a look, sir...
nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
C: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?
O: Finest in the district!
C: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
O: Well, it's so clean, sir!
C: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese....
O: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir.
C: Would it be worth it?
O: Could be....
C: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BAZOUKI OFF!
O: Told you sir....
C: (slowly) Have you got any Limburger?
O: No.
C: Figures.
Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have
posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
O: Yessir?
C: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any cheese here at all.
O: Yes,sir.
C: Really?
(pause)
O: No. Not really, sir.
C: You haven't.
O: Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time,sir.
C: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to hit you.
O: Right-0, sir.
The customer takes out a pillow and hits the owner owner. Owner's eyes roll up in his head and he cartwheels out the door signing Christmas carols.
C: What a *senseless* waste of human sanity.
Hope you enjoyed it! Next chapter may be a few days! REVIEW!
Chapter 15 Ahhh Pranks to Play at Last!
The days passed quietly, there was no sign of Voldemort anywhere. Not a single killing since the Halloween attack. Hogwarts was returning to "normal", and that meant that the Marauders had a BIG job on their hands. And to top it all off the Midyear dance was coming in two weeks.
This year Harry didn't have any trouble finding a partner, Ron was going with Hermione and he was going with Ira, done, no big fuss. Now the hard part, pranks.
The prefects weren't allowed to decorate for this dance; the teachers were doing it all. Harry met Ira at the stairs, neither had put hours and hours of effort into getting dressed up, they weren't planning to stay at the dance. The four agreed on eye catching muggle outfits to wear, something that would attract plenty of attention to the Marauders. Harry and Ron wore black T-shirts, and western style black leather jackets with silver and gold embroidery, the jackets had a black fringe running along the sleeves and down in a V from the shoulders to center, each individual string had a gold and silver bead at the top, each t-shirt had the word Marauders on it and arms, one reaching in form each corner to a pile in the center, all in silver and gold. They also wore long straight black pants with a black fringe down the side, these fringes also each had a silver and gold bead, along with a gold and silver belt and black dragon-hide boots with gold and silver buckles. They were quite pleased with the design. Hermione and Ira wore the same type of jacket over a sleeveless shirt, they wore long black leather leggings and medium black skirts with small slits in the sides, all decorated with the Marauders symbol and silver and gold. It WAS very noticeable attire and attracted a lot of weird looks.
Harry and Ira went to the dance, and stayed for an hour, after which they quietly slipped away. Ron and Hermione were still dancing. They split up, Ira went back to Gryffindor to get some things while Harry hurried to Ravenclaw. He paused outside the Ravenclaw dorms, someone was coming, to Harry's astonishment Draco Malfoy came down the corridor, carrying some dung bombs. They stopped and stared at each other for a minute, and then Harry smiled laughed.
"Great minds think alike! Were you too planning to pull off a few pranks while everyone was at the ball?" He asked.
There was no reason for him to expect any response other then a typical Draco Malfoy one, but something in his manner and the whole idea of them having the exact same thought about what to do during the ball made him give a civil reply, and a small smile.
"Yeah." Harry was astonished, but didn't let it show.
"Do you reckon there's anyone in there?" He asked.
"Dunno, except for the 1-3rd years no one should be, exce-"
"Shh," Harry glanced back along the corridor, someone was coming, an Order patrol. "Play along," he murmured to Malfoy and knelt, untied his shoe and tangled the laces around a gold and silver buckle, and proceeded to very slowly untangle and retie it. Remus and another member of the Copper Patrol Harry recognized as Pam came around the corner. Pam's gaze ran over them and on, Remus slowed in stride and watched the two carefully to make sure they weren't fighting. Harry saw his gaze lift to the tapestry and he seemed to hesitate, Harry caught his eyes and flicked his eyes back at the tapestry and gave Remus a meaningful look. As he began to tie the laces of his boot he made a quick gesture to the Marauders symbol on his shirt, Remus go the idea and hurried off.
"That was close." Malfoy whispered softly when they were far enough away.
"Huh, say how about we join forces, mess up Hufflepuff then head to Ravenclaw and get them? And then maybe a little prank in the staff room?" Harry asked. Malfoy considered for a moment.
"Well, okay, there'd better not be anyone in their common room," he turned to the tapestry.
"Transparatio!" Harry said, flicking his wand at a tapestry. It became see- through. The Hufflepuff common room in black and yellow, there didn't seem to be a single living person. "Helga." Harry said, a hole opened in the tapestry and they climbed through. "What were you planning to do?" Harry asked.
"Put dung bombs in the furniture." Draco replied, glancing at Harry.
"Alright, I'll set up glue to drip from the ceiling, you know the kind that hardens the second it touches something." Harry said, and they went to work.
"How about we time it to drop just after the bombs goes off, or before? They'll finish un-sticking themselves just to have bombs explode all over them." Draco suggested.
"I'll set a timer spell on the glue for ten seconds after the bombs. Should we make the carpet grow grass?" Draco blinked at him in astonishment.
"Uh okay, blue and green? Neon of course." He asked.
"Sounds good." Harry replied, he finished with the glue and went to work on the carpet, Draco was stuffing dung bombs under the cushions of a couch. When they had finished they stopped to survey their work.
"Shall we go on to Ravenclaw?" Harry asked after a few minutes, Ira was supposed to be meeting them there, he wondered how she'd react to this change in Malfoy.
"Alright, I've got three fireworks and two dung bombs left." They left and hurried off to Ravenclaw, they went in, just as the door closed behind them it opened again and Ira came in. She did a quick double take at the sight of Malfoy, but didn't say anything until she'd scanned the room and hallways for students.
"Didn't expect to see you here. What's up?"
"I had planned to dung bomb the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws myself, Harry and I met outside Hufflepuff and joined forces." Harry relaxed; there wasn't a hint of sarcasm or loathing in Malfoy's voice. Hopefully that meant a truce had been declared, for now, hopefully forever. Draco would be a useful ally, he was a good wizard, and Harry sensed he had a nice side to him. Wondering if this was so Harry broke through the blocking spell on Malofy's mind. He had set his "hooks" into all the Slytherins, 89% of the students had these "hooks" in their minds.
Come on, I'm not an enemy damn it! I'm not one of them, come on. Agree, say it's okay. Harry, slightly behind Malfoy, gave Ira a small nod, Malfoy could be trusted.
"Alright. I've go the sand." Ira held up a small bag, in order to conjure up huge quantities of things it was best to have a small sample with you already. Harry and Ira set about filling up the entire Ravenclaw dorms with three feet of pink sand.
"You see, everything has three feet of it, even the stairways, it won't hurt them. They'll just land in sand if the fall. And the common room will have four feet of it. All bright pink, but we're going to hang it from the ceiling so that it'll all fall like fast falling snow during the night. A strong illusion will cover it up." Ira explained. Draco began working on the spells to keep it on the ceiling and Harry finished with his part of the sand and started on the illusion. It took longer then the Hufflepuffs, but when it was done it would be better. They all finished and admired their work for a moment.
"Staff room?" Draco suggested and they were off.
"What are we doing here?" Ira asked once they'd entered the empty staff room.
"This will be great. You see there's this muggle…TV character… named Barney. He's a big pink-purple dinosaur. I'm not entirely sure what he looks like but I'll create him here. Each of you makes a big snowman, with fangs and spiked icicle-hair. Really mean and fierce looking. The we enchant them all so that when the door opens the dinosaur says "Hi everybody! I'm Barney, and these are my good friends Jack and Jill! Really happy like, ecstatic at seeing whomever opens the door. The snowmen come out from behind the fat dinosaur and sneer and wave long pointed stick- arms. Then the dinosaur sticks out one foot, the foot grows until it fills the doorway, then steps down on whomever the poor soul is whose standing there, but the rest of the dinosaur doesn't grow, just the foot, then the foot shrinks back to normal size. Then the snowmen pounce, their mouths open and grow really big, filled with huge sharp teeth, when they hit the person the snowmen explode, covering them in orange snow that turns their hair orange. The professor has been knocked back into the hallway so now the snowmen vanish back through the door and it shuts, waiting for someone else to open it." Draco and Ira looked at each other.
"Off his rocker, but brilliant." Ira pronounced, Draco just shook his head, hiding a smile.
Once they were done with the staff room they ran laughing back to the ball. It was almost over but they spent the rest of the night telling Ron and Hermione what they had done. After a little initial disgust at seeing Malfoy, Ron and Hermione got over their surprise at learning that their enemy of five years had a nice side and relaxed. From then on Draco Malfoy became their friend, and accompanied them on their pranks.
**
Harry slumped into bed, exhausted. He'd been assigning Patrol's missions all evening. Each Patrol got a new mission each week, unless it was a long mission. Voldemort had attacked two days ago, kidnapped five muggles and killed twelve. Oh well, tonight he could sleep all night for the first time in three days. The Marauders had spent most of the last three nights working on one of their bets pranks yet, another play. It would be shown the next morning at breakfast, he couldn't wait.
**
(AN: If you haven't seen Monty Python or are not a fan you had best skip this chapter)
The next morning, just as breakfast was ending, one wall of the dining hall dissolved in blackness and writing appeared.
The Magical Mischief Making Marauders are Hugely and Horribly Proud to Present
AN ORIGONAL SKETCH BY
THE HOGWART'S MARAUDER OF THE ROUND TABLE
1 THE SPANISH INQUISITION
Hermione: Trouble at mill.
Ira: Oh no - what kind of trouble?
Hermione: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle.
Ira: Pardon?
Hermione: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle.
Ira: I don't understand what you're saying.
Hermione: (slightly irritatedly and with exaggeratedly clear accent) One of the cross beams has gone out askew on the treddle.
Ira: Well what on earth does that mean?
Hermione: *I* don't know - Mr Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
(JARRING CHORD)
(The door flies open and Cardinal Ron of Spain enters, flanked by
two junior cardinals. Cardinal Harry has goggles pushed over his
forehead. Cardinal Draco is just Cardinal Fang)
Ron: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is
suprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two
weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our
*three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an
almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*...no...
*Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as
fear, surprise.... I'll come in again. (Exit and exeunt)
Hermione: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
(JARRING CHORD)
(The cardinals burst in)
Ron: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such
diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost
fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn! (To
Cardinal Biggles) I can't say it - you'll have to say it.
Harry: What?
Ron: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...'
Harry: (rather horrified): I couldn't do that...
(Ron bundles the cardinals outside again)
Hermione: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
(JARRING CHORD)
(The cardinals enter)
Harry: Er.... Nobody...um....
Ron: Expects...
Harry: Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Spanish...um...
Ron: Inquisition.
Harry: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact,
those who do expect -
Ron: Our chief weapons are...
Harry: Our chief weapons are...um...er...
Ron: Surprise...
Harry: Surprise and --
Ron: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah!
...our chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. Cardinal, read the charges.
Draco: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy
against the Holy Church. 'My old man said follow the--'
Harry: That's enough. (To Ira) Now, how do you plead?
Ira: We're innocent.
Ron: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
(Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER')
Harry: We'll soon change your mind about that!
(Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL ACTING')
Ron: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- (controls himself with a
supreme effort) Ooooh! Now, Cardinal -- the rack!
(Harry produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Ron looks at it and
clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover
his anger)
Ron: You....Right! Tie her down.
(Draco and Harry make a pathetic attempt to tie her on to the drying rack)
Ron: Right! How do you plead?
Ira: Innocent.
Ron: Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack (oh dear) give the rack a turn.
(Harry stands there awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders)
Harry: I....
Ron: (gritting his teeth) I *know*, I know you can't. I didn't want to say
anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.
Harry: I...
Ron: It makes it all seem so stupid.
Harry: Shall I...?
Ron: No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!
(Harry turns an imaginary handle on the side of the dish-rack)
(Cut to them torturing a dear old lady, (Ira))
Ron: Now, old woman -- you are accused of heresy on three counts -- heresy
by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action --
*four* counts. Do you confess?
Ira: I don't understand what I'm accused of.
Ron: Ha! Then we'll make you understand! Harry! Fetch...THE CUSHIONS!
(JARRING CHORD)
(Harry holds out two ordinary modern household cushions)
Harry: Here they are, sir.
Ron: Now, old lady -- you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin
of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly -- *two* last chances. And
you shall be free -- *three* last chances. You have three last
chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.
Ira: I don't know what you're talking about.
Ron: Right! If that's the way you want it -- Cardinal! Poke her with the
soft cushions!
(Harry carries out this rather pathetic torture)
Ron: Confess! Confess! Confess!
Harry: It doesn't seem to be hurting her, sir.
Ron: Have you got all the stuffing up one end?
Harry: Yes, sir.
Ron (angrily hurling away the cushions): Hm! She is made of harder
stuff! Cardinal Draco! Fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR!
(JARRING CHORD)
(Zoom into Draco's horrified face)
Draco (terrified): The...Comfy Chair?
(Harry pushes in a comfy chair -- a really plush one)
Ron: So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft
cushions. Well, we shall see, Harry! Put her in the Comfy Chair!
(They roughly push her into the Comfy Chair)
Ron (with a cruel leer): Now -- you will stay in the Comfy Chair until
lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven.
(aside, to Harry) Is that really all it is?
Harry: Yes, sir.
Ron: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we?
Confess, woman. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess!
Harry: I confess!
Ron: Not you!
(Sketch ends)
Draco appears sitting behind a desk. "And now for something completely different.
THE CHEESE SHOP SKETCH
(Harry is the customer (C) and Ron is the owner (O))
Customer: Good Morning.
Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium!
Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man.
Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?
C: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now,
skimming through "Rogue Herrys" by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over
all peckish.
O: Peckish, sir?
C: Esuriant.
O: Eh?
C: 'Ee, Ah wor 'ungry-loike!
O: Ah, hungry!
C: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little fermented curd will do
the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and
infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy
comestibles!
O: Come again?
C: I want to buy some cheese.
O: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player!
C: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the
Terpsichorean muse!
O: Sorry?
C: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!
O: So he can go on playing, can he?
C: Most certainly! Now then, some cheese please, my good man.
O: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?
C: Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester.
O: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir.
C: Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?
O: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it
fresh on Monday.
C: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if
you please.
O: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this
morning.
C: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bel Paese?
O: Sorry, sir.
C: Red Windsor?
O: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
C: Ah. Stilton?
O: Sorry.
C: Ementhal? Gruyere?
O: No.
C: Any Norweigan Jarlsburg, per chance.
O: No.
C: Lipta?
O: No.
C: Lancashire?
O: No.
C: White Stilton?
O: No.
C: Danish Brew?
O: No.
C: Double Goucester?
O: pause No.
C: Cheshire?
O: No.
C: Dorset Bluveny?
O: No.
C: Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Port Salut, Savoy Aire, Saint Paulin, Carrier
de lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson?
O: No.
C: Camenbert, perhaps?
O: Ah! We have Camenbert, yessir.
C: (suprised) You do! Excellent.
O: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit runny...
C: Oh, I like it runny.
O: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.
C: No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France! Mmmwah!
O: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.
C: I don't care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.
O: Oooooooooohhh........! pause
C: What now?
O: The cat's eaten it.
C: pause Has he.
O: She, sir.
(pause)
C: Gouda?
O: No.
C: Edam?
O: No.
C: Case Ness?
O: No.
C: Smoked Austrian?
O: No.
C: Japanese Sage Darby?
O: No, sir.
C: You...do *have* some cheese, don't you?
O: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got--
C: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
O: Fair enough.
C: Uuuuuh, Wensleydale.
O: Yes?
C: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!
O: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir.
Mister Wensleydale, that's my name.
(pause)
C: Greek Feta?
O: Uh, not as such.
C: Uuh, Gorgonzola?
O: no
C: Parmesan,
O: no
C: Mozarella,
O: no
C: Paper Cramer,
O: no
C: Danish Bimbo,
O: no
C: Czech sheep's milk,
O: no
C: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?
O: Not *today*, sir, no.
(pause)
C: Aah, how about Cheddar?
O: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
C: Not much ca--It's the single most popular cheese in the world!
O: Not 'round here, sir.
C: slight pause and what IS the most popular cheese 'round hyah?
O: 'Illchester, sir.
C: IS it.
O: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.
C: Is it.
O: It's our number one best seller, sir!
C: I see. Uuh...'Illchester, eh?
O: Right, sir.
C: All right. Okay.
'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
O: I'll have a look, sir...
nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
C: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?
O: Finest in the district!
C: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
O: Well, it's so clean, sir!
C: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese....
O: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir.
C: Would it be worth it?
O: Could be....
C: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BAZOUKI OFF!
O: Told you sir....
C: (slowly) Have you got any Limburger?
O: No.
C: Figures.
Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have
posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
O: Yessir?
C: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any cheese here at all.
O: Yes,sir.
C: Really?
(pause)
O: No. Not really, sir.
C: You haven't.
O: Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time,sir.
C: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to hit you.
O: Right-0, sir.
The customer takes out a pillow and hits the owner owner. Owner's eyes roll up in his head and he cartwheels out the door signing Christmas carols.
C: What a *senseless* waste of human sanity.
Hope you enjoyed it! Next chapter may be a few days! REVIEW!