March 26th, 2002
|-----oo-----|
Days and weeks passed. Carol wasn't sleeping well because she was worried about what to do. Plus her appetite was minimal because of the baby. Instead of gaining weight like she thought she should be, she was losing some. She hadn't been sick anymore but she could still tell she was pregnant. She was more tired, if that was possible, and she didn't eat much. The main nutrition the baby was getting was from her prenatal vitamins. Carol had to force feed herself because she knew the baby needed it. Yet she still didn't eat as much as before.
But she had checked her pregnancy book and it had said that that was normal in some pregnancies to lose your appetite. As long as it didn't last a long time it would be okay in the long run. If she continued losing weight, though, she was supposed to consult her doctor.
Speaking of her doctor, MacLucas and anyone else at her practice were the only people who knew about her pregnancy besides Carol. At six weeks pregnant she had told no one else. Not Doug, her mother, her sisters, or anyone else at work, including Mark.
|-----oo-----|
6 weeks later, Carol stood in front of the mirror in her bathroom, studying her stomach through her shirt. She was growing rather rapidly now. She had started eating and was putting on weight. Luckily it was easy to hide her pregnancy so far behind the pink scrubs. She still hadn't told anyone. Keeping this secret was exhausting her, but she had no idea what to do. She knew she should tell someone, but she didn't know how. After all this time she had no clue how to tell anyone anymore.
Carol finally stepped away from the mirror and headed back into the living room to continue getting dressed. She had an OB appointment before she was supposed to be at work.
|-----oo-----|
Carol lie on the bed, alone, wishing desperately that Doug was there with her. She missed him so much and she needed him to be there with her as she went through this. She was terrified of being a mother. She wanted to be one, but she was scared and needed his support and love. When Carol had went to MacLucas the first time after she found out she was pregnant, the doctor wanted to know where Doug was. Carol ended up telling Dr. MacLucas everything, about the abortion and the break-up. Dr. MacLucas had tried to advice Carol on what to do about telling Doug, but Carol still wasn't sure.
As MacLucas came into the exam room, she half expected Doug to be there, hoping that the couple would have made up by now. But he wasn't, so she let out a small sigh but smiled brightly for Carol's benefit.
"How are you doing?" She asked. Carol smiled a bit.
"I'm okay." She said.
"Anything major been happening?" MacLucas asked. Carol shook her head.
"Nothing out of the ordinary. I've been gaining a lot of weight lately, though." She said.
"Hmm, how much?" MacLucas asked.
"Well, I got back to my original weight, which was three pounds back up, but then I gained 10 more." Carol said.
"Already?" MacLucas asked. Carol nodded.
"Yeah, I know." Carol said, knowing that was quite an amount to gain in six weeks this early in the pregnancy.
"Hm, well, it's probably nothing." MacLucas said.
"Yeah, I figure it's just my diet. I've been eating like a hog." Carol said. MacLucas chuckled.
"That'll happen." She said. "So, are you ready to have your first ultrasound? You get to see the baby." MacLucas said with a wide grin. Carol smiled.
"I'm very ready, I was hoping we got to do this this time." Carol said. MacLucas nodded.
"Yeah, well, you're ready." She said and immediately began hooking Carol up to the machine. Finally she turned it on. "Here we go." MacLucas said and placed the paddle onto Carol's belly. Carol's eyes were riveted on the screen, not wanting to miss this first precious glance at her baby. As the picture came up, Carol smiled despite the fact that she couldn't make much out on the screen except for some blobs. As the heartbeat filled the room, Carol's own heart skipped a beat.
"What is that? It's not beating right!" She said, beginning to panic.
"Wait, Carol, stay calm.Let me listen." MacLucas said quietly and stared at the screen as she slid the paddle over an inch. Then a smile bloomed on her face. "Would you look at that."
"What? What is it?" Carol asked. MacLucas turned to her and chuckled.
"The heartbeat sounds funny because there is more than one." She said.
"I..What? More than one!?" Carol asked. MacLucas chuckled.
"Yeah, you're having twins." She said and pointed towards the two tiny heads on the screen. Carol could now make them out.
"Twins?" Carol squeaked. She laughed.
"Two." MacLucas replied. Carol turned back to the screen and stared at it.
"Oh, wow." She said. No wonder she had gained so much weight in a short amount of time. Then it sank in a bit. Two babies, at once. She'd have to tell Doug sometime soon. If she was growing this rapidly she would have even less time to hide it. "I wish Doug was here." She murmured, not realizing she had said it aloud as she stared at the screen. Dr. MacLucas looked at Carol sadly.
"Well, let me get you a picture to take to him when you are ready to tell him." MacLucas said. Carol nodded, still in awe at her children on the screen. Not just one, two.
"Wow." She repeated. MacLucas grinned a bit and cleaned Carol up.
|-----oo-----|
Two days later Carol sat in the lounge, her head in her hands. She knew she had to tell Doug today and the pressure and the stress of it all was giving her a headache. She wished she could runaway somewhere, to get away from the hell she was living in. But she knew the dreams were merely childish. She couldn't leave when things got rough, as much as she wished it.
As she sat there, trying to runaway in her mind, Mark pushed his way into the lounge. He saw her with her head in her hands and became concerned.
"You okay?" He asked. She looked up at him and shook her head.
"No." She finally admitted. He went to her and sat down beside her.
"What is it?" He asked. Carol sighed, needing to tell someone.
"I'm pregnant." She said simply as she waited for Mark's reaction.
"What? Is it..."
"It's Doug's." Carol said.
"Does he know?" Mark asked. Carol shook her head.
"I still haven't told him. You are the only one who knows besides my doctor. It's been twelve weeks and I haven't told Doug." Carol said. "And you know what the funny thing is?" Mark shook his head. "I'm having twins."
"What?!" Mark exclaimed. Carol chuckled.
"That was the same reaction I had." She said.
"Wow." Mark replied. Carol smiled. "Why aren't you showing?"
"Oh, I am. I've gained ten pounds." She said. She leaned back and pulled her pink scrubs apart. Then she spread her black t-shirt down flat and Mark could make out a little round hump. He smiled slightly.
"Well, congratulations." He said. Carol smiled.
"Thanks. I only wish I was sharing it with Doug."
"Well how can you share it with him if you don't tell him?" Mark asked. Carol smiled sadly.
"That's a good question. I decided I was going to tell him today. We both get off at six, so I was going to ask him to meet me at Doc Magoo's. Hopefully he'll agree to it." Carol said.
"I'm sure he will if he knows how important it is." Carol nodded.
"Yeah, well.....We'll see how he takes it."
|-----oo-----|
Two hours later Carol knocked softly on the door of the pedes room. Doug was sitting on a stool and using a gurney for a desk as he caught up on some charts. He looked up at her.
"Yeah?" He asked, thinking she was there about a patient. She walked into the room instead.
"We need to talk." Carol said.
"Okay." Doug laid the pen down and sighed, making it clear that he was not enjoying this. She wanted to scream at him for being so immature and so stupid.
"Actually I was hoping we could meet after work. We both get off at six and I need to talk to you about something really important."
"Carol.."
"Doug, would I be asking you this now unless it was truly important?" Carol asked. Doug sighed. "I just want to meet at Doc Magoo's as soon as our shifts are over. I'm not going to keep you there for very long. I just have things to tell you."
"Okay. I'll meet you there as soon as I'm off." Doug said. Carol nodded.
"Thank you." She said and turned and left the room. Doug watched her go before forcing himself to pick up the pen and get back to work.
|-----oo-----|
Later that night Carol and Doug sat in a booth in the back corner of Doc Magoo's. A waitress came over and took their orders. A water for Carol and coffee for Doug.
"I have something really important that I need to talk to you about." She said.
"Obviously." Doug replied. Carol looked down, trying to keep her cool. He was acting like a jerk. She tried to remind herself that she deserved it, but at the present moment she just wanted to slap him. Finally she met his gaze once more.
"You're not going to take this news well, so I just want to warn you ahead of time that you are in a public place." She said a bit sarcastically.
"What is it, Carol?" Doug asked impatiently, but inside his heart was pounding.
"I'm pregnant." She said and at the exact moment decided to leave out the part about the twins until later. When she knew how he would react to this first.
"What?" He asked, all the color draining from his face. "It's mine?"
"I've not been intimate with anyone but you since Shep and I broke up." She replied, answering his question off-handedly. Doug rubbed his hands over his face, in shock.
"That's....twelve weeks." Doug said quickly after calculating in his head.
"I know." Carol replied.
"You should be showing." He said and his eyes immediately dropped lower, although he couldn't seen anything below her breasts because the table was blocking his view. Then he met her gaze once more.
"I am." She replied softly. He simply stared at her, still unbelieving. Finally he got his head gathered a bit.
"Why didn't you tell me before?" He asked, getting a little angry.
"You barely let me meet you here. I can just imagine your reaction two and a half months ago." She said.
"You've known that long?" He asked.
"Why do you think I was sick?" She asked. He sat back, remembering now how she had gotten sick during the trauma and had missed a few days of work after that.
"You still should have told me." He said after a moment. She nodded.
"Probably. But I only thought of myself and how your reaction would affect me." Carol admitted. "But that's beside the point, it's all over with. You know now. Now it's up to you to decide what to do about it." She said. Doug rubbed his hands over his cheeks again before taking a sip of his coffee that he hadn't even noticed had been set on the table moments before.
"I need to think about this." Doug said. Carol nodded.
"I understand." She said in agreeance.
"Do you have to work tomorrow?" He asked. She shook her head no. "Me neither. I'll think this through tonight and call you tomorrow, okay?" Doug asked. Carol nodded.
"That's fine." She replied. He nodded.
"I need to get out of here." He said. He quickly pulled some dollars out of his pocket and then stood, leaving the tiny restaurant. Carol watched him go, her heart aching for him, their children, herself. Life was so complicated.
|-----oo-----|
The next day Doug knocked quietly on Carol's front door. She walked to it, dressed in sweat pants and a big t-shirt, totally unprepared for his visit. She thought he was going to call. She opened the door a fraction and then when she saw him, opened it wider.
"Oh, uh, come in." She said and opened the door wider. He looked at her outfit, from her bare feet all the way up to her messy ponytail, and thought she had never looked sexier.
"Uh, sorry I didn't call, but I was out and so I thought I'd drop by instead." He said as she closed the door behind him. She nodded.
"That's fine. Do you want some coffee or something?" She asked. He almost agreed but then remembered she'd have to make it specially for him because she probably wasn't drinking it. He shook his head.
"No, I'm fine." He said. She nodded and walked slowly to the couch to take a seat. He watched her, hoping to catch a glimpse of the belly she claimed was growing, but her over-sized t-shirt hid everything he wanted to see. He followed her to the couch and sat beside her.
"So, did you think about it?" She asked, a bit nervous. He nodded and looked away from her.
"Yeah, I thought about it all night really." He paused. "And I've come to the conclusion that the best situation is for me to get joint custody of the baby after it's born." Doug said. Carol dropped her head, extremely hurt. She had wished with all her might that he wouldn't say that. When she didn't reply, Doug barreled on. "I could get custody on the weekends and you can have the weekdays. Plus, I'd want to be present for the birth." He said. He noticed she had her arms wrapped around her stomach, as if protecting the baby. She turned back to him.
"You really think that's the best thing for our child?" She asked, catching herself before she said children. She wasn't ready to tell him that yet. He nodded.
"Yes."
"Did you even think about it at all, Doug?" She asked, anger rising. "What about when I want to breastfeed? I can't pump for an entire weekend." Carol said, knowing she'd never be able to pump enough milk for twins. "And I am going to breastfeed." She said, and knew even he was aware of all the benefits. He stayed silent as she rambled on. "I can't believe you think that is what would be best! What about when we work? On the weekdays when I was working it'd have to have a babysitter, then on the weekends when you worked it'd have to have a different babysitter. Do you know how unstable that is? That's even more unstable than our own childhood's." Carol said angrily. "And look how we turned out!" Thinking of all the stupid things they had done in their pasts, and to each other.
"Well what else can we do?" Doug asked. Carol jumped up from the couch.
"I think that's obvious, Doug! Why can't you just get over what I did?" She asked. "I'm sorry. I made a huge mistake. The biggest mistake of my life. But I can't take it back! I can't bring our other child back, no matter how much I wish I could!" She exclaimed.
"You hurt me!" He exclaimed and his statement made tears come to her eyes. "You could have told me after you did it! You could have told me when we became friends again! You could have told me when we started dating again! When we got engaged! Or when we started trying for another child! But no, you waited even longer. Until I loved you, until I placed all my trust in you, and then you told me. Then you hurt me." He said. She wiped at her tears.
"And I'm sorry! I don't know what else there is to say, Doug. But after all the shit we've went through, I wish you could get over it! I never meant to hurt you." She said.
"But you did." He said, his voice steely.
"I'm sorry." Carol said. "I'm so sorry. But there's nothi--ah." Carol said and clutched her stomach with her hands. Her face became animated with pain and she lowered herself into the nearest chair just as Doug jumped up from the couch.
"Carol?" He asked and went to her, bending in front of her, placing his hands on her wrists. "Is it the baby?" He asked. She nodded.
"Yes." She grimaced.
"We're going to the hospital." He said and scooped her up with ease into his arms. She kept her hands on her stomach, frightened about losing her babies. She couldn't lose them, not after what she had done. He went quickly to the care, carelessly shutting her front door behind them. He placed her into the passenger seat and buckled her in before speeding toward the hospital.
|-----oo-----|
"Get Mark, Doug." Carol said as Doug carried her into the hospital. She buried her face against his neck, wishing he hadn't taken her here after all this. People didn't know yet. Plus she was a mess.
"Randi, where's Mark?" Doug asked.
"Exam one." Randi replied, staring at Carol. Doug nodded and went quickly to the exam room. Just as he arrived, Mark stepped out of the room.
"Doug?" He asked, confused.
"Can you get us a room?" Doug said, his eyes conveying everything. Mark nodded.
"Exam three." He replied. Doug went quickly, still carrying Carol. Finally he lay her on the empty gurney.
"Get Coburn." Doug said. Mark nodded and went quickly to the phone. After he called he quickly came back.
"What happened?" He asked.
"I just got this really bad pain in my stomach." Carol said. Mark nodded.
"I told Coburn to bring an ultrasound and told her that you were here." Doug and Carol nodded. What Doug didn't realize was that he was holding Carol's hand and she wasn't about ready to let go. She was scared out of her mind and needed him there.
Less than two minutes later, Coburn arrived, pushing an ultrasound machine.
"What happened?" She asked.
"I got a pain in my stomach, like a really bad cramp, all of a sudden." Carol said.
"You're pregnant?" Coburn asked. Carol nodded.
"Almost 13 weeks." She replied. Coburn nodded and began to prime Carol for the ultrasound. For the first time Doug got to see Carol's starting-to-grow belly and it amazed him how softly round she had become. Then Dr. Coburn placed the paddle on Carol's stomach and turned the machine on. As the heartbeats filled the air, Carol suddenly realized that Doug was about to learn she was having twins.
"Everything looks and sounds good." Coburn said and turned to Carol.
"You do realize..." She trailed off. Carol nodded.
"What?" Doug asked as he looked at the screen. And then he saw it. The other head. And he heard it. The other heartbeat. "Holy shit." He whispered. Mark looked at Carol, surprised that she hadn't told Doug about the twins yet. Finally after staring at the screen for a moment, Doug looked at Carol.
"You knew?" He asked. Carol nodded. "How long?"
"Two days." Carol replied quietly. He nodded before looking back at the screen in awe and shock and amazement. Emotions were spiraling throughout him and he couldn't even name half of them.
"Everything looks good. Are you experiencing pain now?" Coburn asked. Carol nodded.
"Only a little. It's like a dull cramp, but it's fading." She said. Coburn nodded.
"Good. Do you have any idea what could have brought this on?" She asked. Carol glanced at Doug and he turned to look back at her. Then she nodded.
"We were arguing." She said. Coburn nodded.
"I'd say that you were just stressed out and the babies were getting upset with you and decided to let you know it." Coburn said. "But if you get these pains anymore, I don't want you to hesitate to come back. This means now or later on in your pregnancy." Carol nodded seriously. "Good. And please, try and refrain from arguing and stress." Carol sighed, knowing that with Mark hearing that, he'd probably never let her work for the rest of her pregnancy, let alone what Doug would do. Then Carol remembered that Doug probably wouldn't do much of anything because he no longer cared about her.
"You probably shouldn't stay alone tonight." Coburn advised.
"I'll be with her." Doug said. Coburn nodded, satisfied.
"Just don't fight with her." Coburn warned. Doug nodded, already feeling guilty.
"I'll keep her stress-free." Doug replied.
"Good." Coburn said.
|-----oo-----|
The entire ride back to Carol's house, they were silent. Carol stared out the passenger side window and kept both of her hands resting on her stomach. So many emotions were swirling inside of her, she thought if she couldn't be alone soon she would simply burst. Doug's presence was not helping and she was trying desperately not to get stressed out again, but all the feelings were making her head ache. She needed to get away from him, but she knew she couldn't, wouldn't be able to. She couldn't just walk away from him and go to her room and leave him by himself. So she didn't.
Instead when they entered the house silently, she merely walked to the couch and sat down. He stayed standing and simply looked at her, at a loss for words. There was too much to say and Doug was having trouble swimming through it all. His mind was a mass of thoughts and he couldn't separate them to form any words. The only thing he could think was how much he wanted to help her right now. He could see she needed him, but he didn't know what to do.
Carol bent forward, encasing her stomach between her body, her legs, and her arms so that it was completely hidden from Doug's view. She closed her eyes, struggling to fight the tears that were clawing there way up her throat. But they couldn't be pushed away.
Doug watched as a single tear slid from Carol's eye. She quickly wiped it away, but soon another tear followed. She bent her neck, trying to hide her face from him, but he could see the tears dripping onto her pants.
"I'm sorry." She whispered, as he itched to put his arms around her. "I can't...seem to help...it." She tried to wipe them away once more. "I just...There's so much going on." She finished and fell silent. The tears continued to stream down her face. Her breath hitched and sounded like something between a sigh and a hiccup. She closed her eyes again.
Within seconds Doug went to her and sat beside her. He couldn't resist the urge to hold her any longer. She was crying and it was tearing him apart inside. He couldn't stand seeing her cry, especially over this, over him. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into him. She immediately wrapped her arms around his waist and held tightly. She buried her face in his shoulder and began to sob harder, in relief. At least he was touching her. Doug could feel the soft mound of their children pressed against his own abdomen and he marveled in it.
She kept a tight grip on him, scared that if she let go he would leave her. She tried not to hold on so tightly, but the mere thought of him being out of her reach scared her.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." She murmured into his shoulder through her sobs.
"Shh, it's okay." He murmured. He kept one hand on the back of her head, his fingers tangled in her hair, and the other hand rubbed her back.
"I can't..stop." She sobbed.
"I know, I know. Just try and calm down." He whispered reassuringly. "I won't go anywhere." He said, trying to calm her. She just sobbed harder.
"Oh, Doug."
"Cry all you need, I'm here." He said. She continued sobbing, needing to get all of it out. Having him there in her arms was somewhat calming her, but on another level, it was making her more emotional. She stayed in his arms for five more minutes until her sobs were reduced to hiccups. She made no move to leave his embrace though, scared of what would happen when they let go. Finally after a few more minutes, Doug gently pulled her away, figuring they needed to get to the issue at hand.
"Why didn't you tell me about the twins?" He asked.
"I just wanted to get through everything else first. I was going to tell you." She said.
"I know." He replied quietly and brushed a lock of her hair behind her ear.
"I'm sorry." She whispered. He smiled sadly.
"It's not all your fault." He replied. "So, I'm sorry too." She shook her head.
"I should have told you about the abortion a long time ago. I should have told you about being pregnant months ago. I should have told you about the twins two days ago." She replied.
"Yeah, well, like you said, it doesn't matter now. Because now I know." He said. She sighed.
"But I've ruined everything. Our relationship, my life, our children's lives."
"Who says?" He asked. She sighed. "I have. Our relationship is over. My life...has done a total change. And now our children have to have two different homes and two different babysitters and everything else. I should have done something to change that!" Carol exclaimed. "But instead I let everything fall apart."
"Why can't you put it back together? Why do you have to give up?" He asked.
"I can't just put it back together. That takes both of us, Doug. And I sure as hell can't change your mind!" She exclaimed.
"Maybe you already have." He murmured. She simply stared at him, shocked. He paused. "I love you, Carol. I always have and I always will. Even if we lived miles apart and never saw each other, I'd always love you." He rubbed his thumb gently under her eye. "I know I've let this get way out of hand. You hurt me, but it shouldn't have taken me this long to get over it. You apologized numerous times and I know you wish you could take what you did back. So I just have to grow up and accept it and stop being the same selfish self-centered bastard I've always been, like you once told me." He said. She lowered her head and dropped her gaze away from his. He drew her head back up with a finger under her chin. "So, I've decided to stop being that selfish self-centered bastard and give you what you need, what I need to give you."
"What's that?" She whispered after a short pause.
"My life. My love. Our future." He whispered. Tears filled her eyes once more as a brilliant smile lit up her face. She wrapped her arms around his neck and laughed. He smiled and pulled her back so he could kiss her. As he did, they moaned slightly in unison, having missed the feel of the other's mouth on their own. "I've missed you." He murmured against her lips. She smiled and continued kissing him, their eyes now open and focused on each other. Finally he pulled back. "Stand up." He murmured.
"What?" She asked, surprised.
"Stand up." He murmured. She gave him a weird look, but got to her feet beside the couch. Then she realized what he was doing as he lifted her shirt. She took hold of it and held it beneath her breasts as he examined her growing tummy in awe. "Wow." He murmured. Tears glistened in her eyes still. "It's so amazing." He said and leaned his cheek against her stomach. She ran one hand over his hair and felt all the happiness in the world shine upon her. He pressed his warm lips to her stomach and paused there for a minute, before getting back to his feet. He picked her up off the ground and held her tightly against him.
"I love you." He said. She smiled and kissed his neck gently.
"You don't know how long I've waited to hear that." She replied softly. "I love you, too."
|-----oo-----|
Years later Doug stood at his back door, looking out at the back yard of the house he and Carol had purchased months ago. He watched his wife pushing his three-year-old twin daughters, Tess and Kate on the swing. Then he pushed the screen door open and Carol turned to look at him. She sent him a dazzling smile and he smiled back before his eyes traveled down to rest on her pregnant stomach. They were expecting twins in just two months. Doug walked off the porch and made his way to his family, glad he had made that decision four years ago.
|-----oo-----|