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Chapter 28 Powers & Elves & Laughs
"Potions, feel like I'm going to the gallows." Ron said in disgust as they made their way down the hall.
"You are."
"No it's you who won't last, he hates you more."
"Took you long enough to figure it out, will I survive?"
"Be stout of heart and brave in deed and you shall live on."
"Okay now I'm officially scared. You sound like sir Cadogan."
"Harry Potter scared! Call the press quick!"
"Not funny flame head."
"I think it was."
"You'd think Voldemort dancing the Macarena was funny."
"Wouldn't it be?"
"That would make me run and hide. He's mad enough, don't need to make it worse."
"You know maybe you don't even need wand to kill him, just bash him over the head with a beater's club, get Morgan to lend you one for a bit."
"That's the most originally obscure idea yet."
"Thank you."
"It wasn't a compliment." Harry said, Hermione shook her head and smiled, Ira was giggling, he pushed open the door to Potions and they all took their seats.
"Today we are making liquid fire. As this is an exceptionally dangerous potion it will not be taken outside this rooms and you will need your dragon hide gloves. If I see anyone messing about they will get detention until they graduate! Now get to work!" Snape snarled at the class, Harry grimaced and took out his things as Snape wrote the ingredients on the board. Soon the room was full of hissing caldrons, which occasionally belched flame of smoke. Neville's froze over.
"Honestly Longbottom this is a /fire/ potion, think /heat/ not ice, fifteen points from Gryffindor for carelessness." Harry glared venomously at Snape. His potion was yellow, it was supposed to be orange. As he looked around he noticed that many other people's caldrons were freezing as well. *What are they doing wrong? Wait a sec! Foxglove juice mixed with mercury and sap from the Palm Vine is the basic ingredients of the freezing potion! If you dump one in right after the other it'll freeze, you have to add them more carefully.* Harry began slowly adding, but it was getting cold, he glanced at the board. *Vampire bat saliva? Oh of course! To counteract the effects of the Palm Vine when it touches the mercury and Foxglove juice! I've got to change adding Palm Vine juice then bat saliva then more Palm Vine juice!*
At the end of class the only correct Potion was Harry's. Snape looked like a time bomb as he examined Harry's potion. When he straightened Harry thought that if looks could kill he'd be dead and rotted away by now, Snape looked like he was going to start hyperventilating form pure fury.
"1st time ever Potter, the /last/ person, even after Longbottom, who'd I'd ever think could /possibly/ do more than mess up every potion ever invented. Five points from Gryffindor, you're so hopeless the only way you could have done that was to cheat!" He whirled to leave, Harry felt something inside him snap.
"I did not!" Snape stopped, everything went silent, and slowly Snape turned. "I didn't cheat. How could I? What's wrong with getting a potion right?"
"There's no way you could have done that!" Snape snarled, Harry, standing behind his caldron, drew himself up a bit, eyes glowing green.
"How would you know? You told us to make the potion and I did! And I made it right! How could I have cheated? This potion isn't in our books right? How?"
"I don't know but you are incapable of making any potion correctly!" Snape roared, trying to tower over Harry and subdue him, but Harry was just as tall as Snape and he was furious.
"That's not true! So I can make potions! What's wrong with that? Does it hurt your /pride/ to know that a Gryffindor can make a potion your Slytherins can't? I made it by figuring out how the ingredients had to be added! That's not cheating!" Harry snapped, holding his anger in check, for a moment they both stood there, Harry refusing to back down. "You know I didn't cheat…professor. I see no reason for your taking those points away either. Why is it so horrible that I get it right? Unless I am very much mistaken we're supposed to try and make it correctly. You yourself said it was correct, are you going to deny it now? I did not cheat!" There was another long pause, then, "why do you /always/ take points form Gryffindor for things we didn't do? Huh? It isn't like it would kill you not to for once! You know there's no way I could have cheated and yet you take points away for something that never happened! You're accusing me of cheating and I am saying that I did not!" A short pause, " I never cheated professor, I simply made the potion correctly and there's nothing wrong with doing that!" Harry snarled, his voice steadily rising with anger. "Are you /scared/ to admit that a, gods forbid, /Gryffindor/ got something right in your class for once? How come you don't accuse anyone else but me of cheating? You don't accuse other students of cheating when they get a potion right! WHY?" Harry gripped the table tightly, knuckles turning white, there was a long drawn out silence in which Snape's ragged breathing was audible, then his eyes jerked to Harry's hand, Harry's fingers were melting the table without him noticing. Just then the bell rang.
"Get out! And five more points form Gryffindor for arguing with a professor- "
"who is wrong and he knows it! You know I didn't cheat and you know that my potion was right! Don't deny it! Is it going to kill you to admit that you! You! Were. Wrong. For Once?" Harry roared, the class gasped as his things leaped and shot into his bag, the caldron poured itself out into the sink and bag leaped onto Harry's shoulder and he stormed out, slamming the door so hard behind him that it rocked violently on its hinges, as it snapped shut every metal faucet in the entire room melted. The class stared at the door, the handle was glowing red and the door was smoking. In the table where his hand had been was the smoking imprint of four fingers and the table was bent at his side where it had gotten hot and his weight had bent it, it was still warm to the touch.
News of what had happened spread like wildfire around the school, Harry ignored it all. But that same day in Divination something else happened.
Professor Trelwany had just predicted Harry's death once again, he was still angry about the thing with Snape.
"Well obviously that's wrong." He heard himself say loudly.
"I beg your pardon?" Asked a shocked professor Trelwany.
"It's wrong. If every one of your death predictions had been right I would have died and been reincarnated over a hundred times. And professor, could you please stop predicting my death, it doesn't scare me in the slightest and it is a little annoying." The class went quiet, was another seen like the one with Snape going to be repeated? The bell rang, Harry was the first one out of the room.
**
For weeks this went on, every potion Snape assigned them Harry got right, and what was more he finished well before anyone else. His potions were quicker to make and stronger than anyone else's. He rewrote two of the Potions, adding the ingredients in a different order, got the same result, and with twice the effects, Snape was furious. By the end of every class Harry and Snape were snarling and shouting at each other. Harry's sudden brilliance in Potions was driving Snape mad. Never once did Harry not have the final say, and never once did he back down. Each day by the end of class he was on his feet, his eerily green eyes so angry that Snape wouldn't look at him. His eyes had taken on a color and power like they had had when Voldemort had been torturing him. Brilliant emerald with a mesmeric quality that burned and burned into your mind and you could not look away but were so terrified that you would do anything to escape. One time Snape made the mistake of being close to a wall when the argument began and looking Harry in the eye , Harry, by the end of the argument, Harry Snape almost cowering against the wall, very pale, his eyes wide…Harry had only taken a single step forwards the entire time, but he seemed to grow and his will power beat at the professor with such a terrifying intensity that Snape was left shivering afterwards and was still shaking whenever Harry looked at him by dinner.
In divination Harry turned the class into a joke. He never once failed to do his homework and get everything right, but he dismissed every death prediction the professor made wit a roll of his eyes and a snort of laughter, it made her furious.
And the weird occurrences didn't stop there. In Defense his spells had taken on so much power that he had to concentrate on controlling them, not just performing them. Professor Figg was ecstatic when, taking a kind test in which the students was left alone, tied up, in a dark room and somewhere in the room was another person getting ready to do the imperius curse on them, Harry turned the top of the stone floor into lava, untied his bonds magically, and turned the tables, stunning the person, who, thankfully, was just an illusion.
The special auror training had started; they did curses, unarmed self- defense, and gave wand less magic a try. In this Harry outdid even the teacher, an Order agent by the name of Clarissa. She had an odd disability; she was horrible at magic with a wand, and excellent at it without one. By the end of a week Harry had mastered every spell learn from 1st year to 3rd wandlessly. And the spells he did do with a wand had taken on frightening levels of power and intensity. A simple stunning spell sent his opponent in a highly controlled duel (the only spells were stunning, jelly legs, and body bind) flying fifteen feet backwards. When they learned the extending sensory perception charm in each of its forms, all senses or just one, he succeeded in making Ron's hearing so acute that the other passed out when someone dropped a quill from the level of noise, and was deaf for three days.
In all of his classes Harry magical abilities continued to increase, he mastered human transfiguration in two days and went on to attempting to make himself into a multimagus, a wizard who had more than one animal form. McGonagal was so surprised she patted him on the back and gave Gryffindor thirty points.
And then there was again potions. Harry fought hard to keep his temper, displaying un-unusual amount of patience. He stopped yelling at Snape and simply argued his points out with the professor as if they were equals. He accepted all punishments without any sign of anger and turned in all his homework and extra work on time and perfect. At detentions he worked diligently, but never missed the opportunity to set up a prank. His calm but strangely intense attitude during class, along with the uncanny sparkle in his emerald eyes and the way he was constantly rearranging potions and reading ahead into seventh year and above potions, was driving the professor up the wall.
Voldemort's attacks ceased abruptly after a whole month of constant terror. The Order breathed a sigh of relief and set to work healing its wounded and getting ready for the next round. The death toll had risen to sixty four thousand dead and nearly ten thousand missing and presumed dead, and that was just the muggles, squibs, werewolves, giants, and elves. Just over fourteen thousand wizards and witches were dead or missing as well. Considering the fact that the wizarding population, though it had grown in the last three decades, was barely ten million, this was a catastrophe of unprecedented proportions. The papers were filled with the tales of horror from survivors and gut wrenching pictures of mutilated corpses. Nearly every student in the school had lost family, the Marauders, all of them, took up the job of comforting students with renewed energy. They were the most well liked students in the school, everyone knew about the Marauders, their heroism and adventures, their kindness, and of course their pranks. Almost every day for a whole month a dozen to the record of forty-nine black owls swooped into the hall. The Marauders kept up pranks that did humiliate anyone overly much and a constant strong of hilarious arguments and jokes. It was now late February and the Marauders, while high on some powdery white stuff called sugar, invented a new type of candy, Sour Penguins, so named because they turned the eater into a penguin for a few minutes. They also invented Hop Pops, which made you hop about with surprising speed for five minutes, a great favorite because they came in five flavors, lime, cotton candy, cherry, apple, raspberry, and fizz, (fizz bubbled in your mouth as you ate it) these two became quick additions to Zonko's, bringing in quite a profit.
**
Draco, Ira, and Harry was sitting in his rooms, Harry making a knife handle, Ira and Draco reading, when Ron and Hermione came running in.
"Guess what guys!" All three looked up in surprise at their excited tone of voice.
"What? Snape smile or something?"
"No that'd be scary Harry."
"Well then what has you two all wound up? You're acting like you would if Filch started going around dropping dung bombs."
"If only he would…hey!"
"Good one Draco, illusion Filch dung bombs Hogwarts School. I like it, when do we start?"
"You guys!" Hermione said exasperated, "there's to be a huge meeting tomorrow tonight, all the ministry officials from every country in Europe, and reps from all the countries of the Americas and Asia! And because we're prefects, the BEST prefects, we're going to be there!" Ira dropped her book on Harry's head.
"NO! You're kidding right?"
"Absolutely not. Since all of the new students there's seven prefects per house, twenty eight prefects, we'll just be sitting about along the walls, except for us!" (She was referring to the fact that Ira and Draco were now prefects as well after the arrival of the new students)
"And what do we do? Collect donations? Hand out flyers? Play pranks? Fly? Dance? Sing? Or Cook?" Draco asked, putting emphasis on the pranks.
"None of the above!" Ron said, gesturing energetically. "You see they've all heard about us, and our work with helping the students through, and I quote the Lord Phoenix, "this time of crisis and loss", they'll be comparing us to prefects in other schools and such, so they all want to meet us get it?"
"So we get to suck up to important people all evening? Perhaps I'll turn in my prefect badge." Ira growled in disgust, Ron faltered, he'd been expecting excitement. Hermione stepped in.
"No, no, not at all, WE get something even better!" Draco, Ira, and Harry all snorted at that.
"What, dear Hermione, could /possibly/ be /even/ better then getting to have fake smiles plastered on our faces all evening while we bob up and down like ducks to a crowd of pompous dudes like Percy Weasely? Do we get to kiss their feet as well?" Harry said, his voice dripping sarcasm. Draco and Ira howled with laughter. Hermione got mad.
"Would you three stop it for a moment! This IS interesting! AND it's important, AND it will be fun! They're discussing a partial joining of the Wizarding World and the Elvin Kingdoms. I've got no idea how they'd be joined, or what it would do, but true elves are powerful and Voldemort has caused horrible destruction with them as well. The Order managed to save the major capital called Elfara but many towns, villages, and several small cities were destroyed. Over two thousand elves died, there were only about seventy thousand to begin with. Come on! All the prefects have to go to an emergency meeting about this!" There was an instant flurry of motion. They put their stuff away and hurried out of the rooms, Draco down a secret passageway to his own dorm and the Gryffindors to theirs.
"All Gryffindor students please listen closely. There is an emergency prefects meeting, no this is not about another attack. You'll find out what it is about soon enough, a very exciting and opportunistic occasion has come up for the entire wizarding world and the meeting is to be held here at Hogwarts tomorrow evening. This has to do with an alliance with the elves. Please behave yourselves while we are gone, in the next few days Hogwarts will have to set an example for all wizarding schools while the heads of the Ministries of every country are here. Thank you!" Harry lowered his wand and hurried from the common room after the others.
By the next day the school was in turmoil, all classes had been cancelled to prepare. The staff, prefects, and seventh years spent the entire day giving the great hall a thorough going-over. One big round table was made with a smaller round table inside. At the center table would sit only the most important humans and elves, each Minister would bring three of his best with him, they would sit behind him at the other table. The elf delegation would be given only the best. The floors were polished, tables shined and spelled to magically remove anything, food prepared with exacting work by only the best house elf cooks, the ceiling was re spelled so it was even more magnificent than ever, candles polished and re-lit with faintly scented new wax, millions of them floating in the air. Harry got the idea to re-make every chair to be used until it was fit for a king. The Marauders hurled their creative genius into this activity with splendid results. Gold, silver, copper, inlays in every one, each with its own pattern. The outside table's chairs had deep blue or purple, the inside table's chairs green. The chairs were soft and cushy and smelled very faintly the same as the candles. The tablecloths were so thin they were see- through, made from the finest cloth and woven with gold in intricate runes and designs. The plates were gold with green, blue, or purple gems around the rim. The silverware was also gold, each utensil with a gem on it, same color as the plate's. There were elegant goblets made of diamond, tainted green for the center table and blue or purple for the outer, like everything else they had a golden rim and base. The diamond was cut so that it sparkled and glittered, flickering in the candlelight. A new rug was placed leading from the door to the table, a deep red with gold stripes along the sides. The prefects would be sitting interspaced between the professors, but the Marauders arranged things so they sat together. The Gold, Silver, Purple, Gray, and red patrols were all on duty, emerald robes figures standing to attention in the shadows, seeing everything about them, the Reds and Grays were positioned outside the castle for when people started to arrive and six Purple's stood on each side of the door. There would be ten thousand or so humans and elves attending, everything was arranged so that there was space, but it was still a bit cramped, but not bad. Dumbledore informed them that the King and Queen of the Elves, Galiahara and Antarosio, would be attending themselves with their royal guard, two highest generals, the three headmasters of the elf schools, and a score others, including ten young elves who would be joining Hogwarts, the other twenty or so would arrive the next evening. Until them the Marauders would be responsible for these ten, the students would know they were there, but not get a chance to really speak with them until after the sorting, until then the Marauders would show them around and teach them the ways of the castle.
Once they were done the prefects hurried to their rooms to prepare. They had all agreed on the same robes. Dark purple, nearly black, pants and shirts with long loose sleeves, dark purple robes, open front, with a gold chain at the throat, dark purple belt, gold buckle, dark purple high collar with a gold base, everything decorated with gold, all would wear their prefect badge. Their clothes were charmed so that the pants and shirt were made from very light cool cloth, the robes from slightly heavier material. The Marauders met in their secret rooms before going down. All of the prefects had agreed to wear a long gold chain, the Marauders had wanted to put the Marauder insignia on it, but had been "persuaded" otherwise. All of them were very nervous, they spent a tense five minutes polishing boots and watching the girls adjusting hairstyles. Harry had washed his and tied all of it but the few locks around his face, which weren't long enough, back in a short ponytail, Draco and Ron did likewise. They also each wore a tiny gold loop in their left ear, this was their form of communication, they could speak to each other through it by touching it between thumb and pinky and whispering a message, all the others would hear it. Hermione had tied her bushy hair back in an elaborate bun, Ira brushed her waist-length multi shades of gold hair until it was like silk and charmed it to stay that way and not get messy and put it up in a bun even more decorative than Hermione's, they seemed to be competing for the best hair-do. Both wore tiny gems the same color as their eyes in each ear.
Finally it was time to go, the prefects took a secret passage down, not wanting to go through the common room, they arrived on time and took their seats, thought hey remained standing like the professors who were just as dressed up as they were. Harry, getting impatient, folded his arms his arms into his robe sleeves and closed his eyes briefly, sending out his mind he encountered those of the approaching ministry officials, now just getting out of elegant silver carriages with gold about them and white horses in elegant blue and gold harness. This would be a trail for him, none of them were to be told of his ability, but then he must endure all their thoughts all evening long. He had spent three hours in meditation, preparing himself and was as ready as he could be, his shields were strong and firm, hopefully if tempers got hot and thoughts stronger he would be able to keep them up, or down a bit, as he wished.
Timing had been crucial; everyone had been given a different, time, and each two minutes apart. The elves had been placed to come at the same time as the English ministry, last. Each time a new group entered Dumbledore, wearing amazing purple and gold robes, and the Lord Phoenix, welcomed them. Each time the prefects and staff would bow and shake hands with the leader of the party, it was not nessecary to do so with the others, then turn back to the door to watch for the next group. Harry watched closely, all of them were apparently astonished to be in presence of the Lord Phoenix and impressed with the Order Agents stationed about. He observed that Miranda knew half of the names and titles, Sirius the other half, they played off each other so neither had had to learn it all, Dumbledore was also aided by them and it was he who had memorized little facts which would compliment each.
Finally nearly everyone was here, then the English ministry, still headed by Fudge, but supposedly not for much longer since the vote to remove him was almost done being voted on. Harry and all the others gave him the coldest looks they could manage. Then came the elf delegation.
The Queen and King came first, then in perfect precession the two generals, two assistants, the heads of schools, s few more assistants, then the ten elf students. The new students were placed so that they were seated intermingled with the Marauders. Harry ended up with the Princess, Kylara da Ashixhum on his left, Ron after her, and a cousin of one of the generals, Larquan da Giverhan on his right with Ira down after him. They waited patiently until the speeches were over, it took nearly an hour, Harry could see the bored-to-death looks on the faces of the two on either side of him, his eyes met Larquan's during a particularly boring one, he gave a tiny roll of his eyes, Larquan flicked his eyes in agreement. Harry had never seen elves before, they had very long fingers, slightly more slanted eyes than a humans, a little flatter, pointed chins, very thin eyebrows which curled up just a little at the end, long dark eyes lashes, slightly cat-like dark eyes large pointed ears, thin lips, straight thin noses, and they were a bit smaller than humans. Kylara wore a gray dress with silver and pale gold beads; Larquan wore dark green with thin gold threads woven in patterns at the cuffs and down the front, the deep green matched his dark green eyes. Finally everything was over and they began to eat.
"Welcome to Hogwarts, and may I suggest you try the fizzing raspberry juice, it's much better than the cider." He added as he saw Larquan reaching for his goblet.
"Thanks…Harry right? I didn't catch your full name, it's rather long." He looked a little ashamed, Harry smiled, Dumbledore had had to read Harry's full name, Harry Emrys James Gryffindor Ambrosius Potter each time he was introduced, he'd gotten very tired of it, at least he didn't add Last Royal Aaron, the Thunder King.
"That's fine, just call me Harry, these are Ira, Ron, Hermione and Draco."
The evening progressed slowly, the elves had been working on their English but it was still a little off, the Marauders kept up a constant string of jokes and amusing arguments.
"Are you vegetarian?" Ira asked as she saw that none of the elves had taken any meat.
"Yes, we eat a little meat occasionally, some of us more than others, but I'm entirely vegetarian." Larquan said, Harry glanced around, a few of the elves were eating a little chicken, but that was all. He touched the collar of his robes and loosened it; these were really much to tight.
"So what was your school like?" he asked the other two.
"It was big, not so big as Hogwarts, but close. It too was a castle, made of lighter stone than this one and not so high with the towers. It was very nice, but we didn't have a ceiling like this one." Princess Kylara said, glancing up appreciatively.
"Harry…the same Harry Potter who defeated Voldemort?" One of the elves further down the table next to Draco asked, Harry remembered his name as Harugin.
"Yes, I was a year old." He replied rather shortly in a tone that said not to ask questions.
"Neat, hey is it true that you're a member of the Order of the Phoenix?"
"No, I'm not a member."
"We hear all about the fights and such, we do get the daily prophet, nicely done, it's been in the Prophet that you're a really good fighter."
"Thanks…I wasn't aware anyone had written about it…hmm."
"Are the death eaters tough?"
"Sure, but sometimes I wonder who they're more afraid of, Voldemort or their opponents, I haven't done all that much fighting, but yeah it can get pretty nasty. Hey what's the difference between a death eaters and a bucket full of shit?" The elves all traded looks and shrugged, looking at him expectantly.
"The bucket." Harry said, there were a few chuckles around; from behind him he heard a soft chuckle form the Order agent standing in the shadows. Encouraged the Marauders took turns sprouting off jokes.
Q: What do you call 100 death eaters at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a death eater is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What do have when a death eater is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning death eater?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No, of course not, why should I bother?
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of death eaters goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q. Where can you always find the best death eaters?
A. In the cemetery
Q. What's the difference between a death eater and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
A man (Draco) went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher (Ira)
Draco: "How much for Engineer brain?"
Ira: "3 dollars an ounce."
Draco: "How much for Doctors brain?"
Ira: "6 dollars an ounce."
Draco: "How much for death eater brain?"
Ira: "100 dollars an ounce."
Draco: "Why is death eater brain so much more?"
Ira: "Do you know how many death eaters you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
By this time all ten of the elves were doubled over in laughter, the hall was slowly falling silent as everyone turned to look at them, and the Marauders were arguing.
"You that's probably not true."
"Yeah, impossible, they don't have brains."
"Especially the highest ranking ones."
"How would you know?"
"You remember the last time they attacked?"
"Creamed 'em."
"But still technically that joke can't be right."
"Nor the bus one, why would 50 or so death eaters get on a muggle bus?"
"They were chasing the muggles?"
"Then how'd it go over the cliff?"
"Voldemort was driving."
"He can drive!? World beware!"
"Alright fine he tried to."
"Why would he be on the bus anyway?"
"Cause he wanted to learn to drive?"
"But the joke doesn't mention him."
"He must 'a bailed out."
"Through the front window?"
"Sure, wanted to cushion the landing."
"Of a muggle bus?"
"Well sure, why not? His people were on board."
"Why not a side window?"
"Since when did muggle buses have side windows, especially these days, big enough to jump through?"
"It's impossible."
"Maybe he wasn't wearing the seat belt."
"Do buses have seat belts?"
"No, I was on one once, they don't."
"That's ridiculous! They go zooming about at a hundred miles per hour without any safety precautions?"
"So do Quidditch players."
"Quidditch players always got plenty of people with wands about."
"But the drivers seat does have a seat belt."
"So the driver gets a seat belt and no one else?"
"Yep, that's muggles."
"That's stupider than…whatever that muggle sport is, sky diving, a sure way to the grave."
"Sky diving is fun."
"If you're already dead."
"No I mean it, free falling is fun."
"Do they have a parachute?"
"Only the smart ones."
"What about the others?"
"Splat."
"Oh."
"Ick."
"Not fun."
"No, but not many are that dumb."
"Then how come so many have died?"
"They were trying to win the Darwin award?"
"The what?"
"It's a muggle award, in America, the most creative, stupid, way of snuffing yourself."
"On purpose?"
"No, this is just stupidity."
"They get an award for that?"
"Actually it's for removing themselves from the gene pool."
The argument continued for five full minutes, now everyone was starting to chuckle and laugh, the ten elves were choking with mirth, the Marauders had straight faces and were at this point trying to decide which was better to be, and earth worm or a spider.
"An earth worm."
"You're crazy Harry, those die so easily."
"Not the Australian type, those can be twelve feet long."
"That's a snake."
"No they're earth worms, you can hear them move underground."
"Ew!"
"Spiders are good."
"Ack! No!"
"Unless of course you have Arachnophobia."
Most of the people in the hall were shaking their heads and chuckling as the conversation went back to death eaters.
A death eater died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.
"Only a shilling?" said the Justice,
"Only a shilling to bury an death eater? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the death eater at a prisoner on the stand.
"If I wasn't under this damn spell, I'd return the compliment," replied the prisoner.
"Now wait a sec Ron! How'd you hear about that?" Harry asked in astonishment, he'd thought no one knew about that little episode in the torture chamber between him and his captors.
"Fred. He heard it from one of the other agents, a death eater they were questioning told them about it."
"Grrr."
"Alright, here are some new ones, the dumbest things death eaters and their master ever said." Ira said to get their attention; they all joined in, much to their audience's delight.
Voldemort: So you were gone until you returned?
Death eater addressing a prisoner: You say that the stairs go down to the basement?
Prisoner: Yes.
Death eater: And these stairs, do they also go up?
Death eater: Have you lived in this town all your life?
Prisoner: Not yet.
Harry: The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using death eaters instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the Bar
Association was outraged, and filed suit, but the NIH presented some very good
reasons for the switch.
1) The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional
involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment
could form for a death eater.
2) Death eaters are easier to throw away, your associates don't get mad if you kill them..
3) Death eaters are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump
all over you no matter what you're studying.
4) There are some things even a rat won't do.
However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings.
Hermione: How many death eaters does it take to change a light bulb?
Ira: Three, one to do it and two to report him to Voldie for malpractice.
Ron: It only takes one death eater to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
Harry: You won't find a death eater who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a death eater to curse the light bulb...
Draco: What's Bill 370?
Harry: 370.01 Any person with a valid Rodent hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport (non-commercial) purposes.
Ron: 370.02 Taking of death eaters with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of
currency as bait, however, is prohibited.
Hermione: 370.03 The willful killing of death eaters with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such a vehicle has spikes on the back and is being driven in reverse. If a death eater is "accidentally" struck by a motor vehicle, the dead death eater should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash.
Ira: 370.04 It is permitted for muggles to chase, herd or harvest death eaters from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.
Harry: 370.05 Bag Limits per day:
Already injured death eaters-200
Two-faced death eater spies-100
Backstabbing death eater assassins -300
Horn-rimmed cutthroats -200
Minutiae-advocating chickens-400
Larquan: "Full-time death eaters UNLIMITED!" the Marauders stared, and then they started applauding.
"Bravo! Well done!" Harry said, applauding loudly.
"Excellent one isn't he?" Ron said, smiling widely.
"Wonderful sense of humor!" Ira said, slapping him on the back.
The entire hall stared, the laughter broke out and cheers and applause, al the elves and the Marauders turned to stare in shock at the crowd, the Marauders pretending they hadn't known everyone was listening, the elves truly shocked, they'd been laughing to hard to notice. Harry saw Sirius grinning form ear to ear and applauding, Dumbledore was laughing, even SNAPE was smiling and clapping, though he tried to scowl when he saw Harry looking, but he couldn't help grinning. The Marauders all traded looks, shrugged, stood and bowed, then sat back down again.
Slowly the meal continued, everyone glancing at the Marauders from time to time, the Marauders were chatting away with their new fellow students as if they weren't the center of the attention and nothing the least bit unusual; had just happened.
Did you like it? Please review! Next chapter hopefully coming soon!
I own the plot and all new characters, I you would like to use them email me, other characters are, sadly, JKR's, though not for much longer if she doesn't hurry it up with the next book!
Chapter 28 Powers & Elves & Laughs
"Potions, feel like I'm going to the gallows." Ron said in disgust as they made their way down the hall.
"You are."
"No it's you who won't last, he hates you more."
"Took you long enough to figure it out, will I survive?"
"Be stout of heart and brave in deed and you shall live on."
"Okay now I'm officially scared. You sound like sir Cadogan."
"Harry Potter scared! Call the press quick!"
"Not funny flame head."
"I think it was."
"You'd think Voldemort dancing the Macarena was funny."
"Wouldn't it be?"
"That would make me run and hide. He's mad enough, don't need to make it worse."
"You know maybe you don't even need wand to kill him, just bash him over the head with a beater's club, get Morgan to lend you one for a bit."
"That's the most originally obscure idea yet."
"Thank you."
"It wasn't a compliment." Harry said, Hermione shook her head and smiled, Ira was giggling, he pushed open the door to Potions and they all took their seats.
"Today we are making liquid fire. As this is an exceptionally dangerous potion it will not be taken outside this rooms and you will need your dragon hide gloves. If I see anyone messing about they will get detention until they graduate! Now get to work!" Snape snarled at the class, Harry grimaced and took out his things as Snape wrote the ingredients on the board. Soon the room was full of hissing caldrons, which occasionally belched flame of smoke. Neville's froze over.
"Honestly Longbottom this is a /fire/ potion, think /heat/ not ice, fifteen points from Gryffindor for carelessness." Harry glared venomously at Snape. His potion was yellow, it was supposed to be orange. As he looked around he noticed that many other people's caldrons were freezing as well. *What are they doing wrong? Wait a sec! Foxglove juice mixed with mercury and sap from the Palm Vine is the basic ingredients of the freezing potion! If you dump one in right after the other it'll freeze, you have to add them more carefully.* Harry began slowly adding, but it was getting cold, he glanced at the board. *Vampire bat saliva? Oh of course! To counteract the effects of the Palm Vine when it touches the mercury and Foxglove juice! I've got to change adding Palm Vine juice then bat saliva then more Palm Vine juice!*
At the end of class the only correct Potion was Harry's. Snape looked like a time bomb as he examined Harry's potion. When he straightened Harry thought that if looks could kill he'd be dead and rotted away by now, Snape looked like he was going to start hyperventilating form pure fury.
"1st time ever Potter, the /last/ person, even after Longbottom, who'd I'd ever think could /possibly/ do more than mess up every potion ever invented. Five points from Gryffindor, you're so hopeless the only way you could have done that was to cheat!" He whirled to leave, Harry felt something inside him snap.
"I did not!" Snape stopped, everything went silent, and slowly Snape turned. "I didn't cheat. How could I? What's wrong with getting a potion right?"
"There's no way you could have done that!" Snape snarled, Harry, standing behind his caldron, drew himself up a bit, eyes glowing green.
"How would you know? You told us to make the potion and I did! And I made it right! How could I have cheated? This potion isn't in our books right? How?"
"I don't know but you are incapable of making any potion correctly!" Snape roared, trying to tower over Harry and subdue him, but Harry was just as tall as Snape and he was furious.
"That's not true! So I can make potions! What's wrong with that? Does it hurt your /pride/ to know that a Gryffindor can make a potion your Slytherins can't? I made it by figuring out how the ingredients had to be added! That's not cheating!" Harry snapped, holding his anger in check, for a moment they both stood there, Harry refusing to back down. "You know I didn't cheat…professor. I see no reason for your taking those points away either. Why is it so horrible that I get it right? Unless I am very much mistaken we're supposed to try and make it correctly. You yourself said it was correct, are you going to deny it now? I did not cheat!" There was another long pause, then, "why do you /always/ take points form Gryffindor for things we didn't do? Huh? It isn't like it would kill you not to for once! You know there's no way I could have cheated and yet you take points away for something that never happened! You're accusing me of cheating and I am saying that I did not!" A short pause, " I never cheated professor, I simply made the potion correctly and there's nothing wrong with doing that!" Harry snarled, his voice steadily rising with anger. "Are you /scared/ to admit that a, gods forbid, /Gryffindor/ got something right in your class for once? How come you don't accuse anyone else but me of cheating? You don't accuse other students of cheating when they get a potion right! WHY?" Harry gripped the table tightly, knuckles turning white, there was a long drawn out silence in which Snape's ragged breathing was audible, then his eyes jerked to Harry's hand, Harry's fingers were melting the table without him noticing. Just then the bell rang.
"Get out! And five more points form Gryffindor for arguing with a professor- "
"who is wrong and he knows it! You know I didn't cheat and you know that my potion was right! Don't deny it! Is it going to kill you to admit that you! You! Were. Wrong. For Once?" Harry roared, the class gasped as his things leaped and shot into his bag, the caldron poured itself out into the sink and bag leaped onto Harry's shoulder and he stormed out, slamming the door so hard behind him that it rocked violently on its hinges, as it snapped shut every metal faucet in the entire room melted. The class stared at the door, the handle was glowing red and the door was smoking. In the table where his hand had been was the smoking imprint of four fingers and the table was bent at his side where it had gotten hot and his weight had bent it, it was still warm to the touch.
News of what had happened spread like wildfire around the school, Harry ignored it all. But that same day in Divination something else happened.
Professor Trelwany had just predicted Harry's death once again, he was still angry about the thing with Snape.
"Well obviously that's wrong." He heard himself say loudly.
"I beg your pardon?" Asked a shocked professor Trelwany.
"It's wrong. If every one of your death predictions had been right I would have died and been reincarnated over a hundred times. And professor, could you please stop predicting my death, it doesn't scare me in the slightest and it is a little annoying." The class went quiet, was another seen like the one with Snape going to be repeated? The bell rang, Harry was the first one out of the room.
**
For weeks this went on, every potion Snape assigned them Harry got right, and what was more he finished well before anyone else. His potions were quicker to make and stronger than anyone else's. He rewrote two of the Potions, adding the ingredients in a different order, got the same result, and with twice the effects, Snape was furious. By the end of every class Harry and Snape were snarling and shouting at each other. Harry's sudden brilliance in Potions was driving Snape mad. Never once did Harry not have the final say, and never once did he back down. Each day by the end of class he was on his feet, his eerily green eyes so angry that Snape wouldn't look at him. His eyes had taken on a color and power like they had had when Voldemort had been torturing him. Brilliant emerald with a mesmeric quality that burned and burned into your mind and you could not look away but were so terrified that you would do anything to escape. One time Snape made the mistake of being close to a wall when the argument began and looking Harry in the eye , Harry, by the end of the argument, Harry Snape almost cowering against the wall, very pale, his eyes wide…Harry had only taken a single step forwards the entire time, but he seemed to grow and his will power beat at the professor with such a terrifying intensity that Snape was left shivering afterwards and was still shaking whenever Harry looked at him by dinner.
In divination Harry turned the class into a joke. He never once failed to do his homework and get everything right, but he dismissed every death prediction the professor made wit a roll of his eyes and a snort of laughter, it made her furious.
And the weird occurrences didn't stop there. In Defense his spells had taken on so much power that he had to concentrate on controlling them, not just performing them. Professor Figg was ecstatic when, taking a kind test in which the students was left alone, tied up, in a dark room and somewhere in the room was another person getting ready to do the imperius curse on them, Harry turned the top of the stone floor into lava, untied his bonds magically, and turned the tables, stunning the person, who, thankfully, was just an illusion.
The special auror training had started; they did curses, unarmed self- defense, and gave wand less magic a try. In this Harry outdid even the teacher, an Order agent by the name of Clarissa. She had an odd disability; she was horrible at magic with a wand, and excellent at it without one. By the end of a week Harry had mastered every spell learn from 1st year to 3rd wandlessly. And the spells he did do with a wand had taken on frightening levels of power and intensity. A simple stunning spell sent his opponent in a highly controlled duel (the only spells were stunning, jelly legs, and body bind) flying fifteen feet backwards. When they learned the extending sensory perception charm in each of its forms, all senses or just one, he succeeded in making Ron's hearing so acute that the other passed out when someone dropped a quill from the level of noise, and was deaf for three days.
In all of his classes Harry magical abilities continued to increase, he mastered human transfiguration in two days and went on to attempting to make himself into a multimagus, a wizard who had more than one animal form. McGonagal was so surprised she patted him on the back and gave Gryffindor thirty points.
And then there was again potions. Harry fought hard to keep his temper, displaying un-unusual amount of patience. He stopped yelling at Snape and simply argued his points out with the professor as if they were equals. He accepted all punishments without any sign of anger and turned in all his homework and extra work on time and perfect. At detentions he worked diligently, but never missed the opportunity to set up a prank. His calm but strangely intense attitude during class, along with the uncanny sparkle in his emerald eyes and the way he was constantly rearranging potions and reading ahead into seventh year and above potions, was driving the professor up the wall.
Voldemort's attacks ceased abruptly after a whole month of constant terror. The Order breathed a sigh of relief and set to work healing its wounded and getting ready for the next round. The death toll had risen to sixty four thousand dead and nearly ten thousand missing and presumed dead, and that was just the muggles, squibs, werewolves, giants, and elves. Just over fourteen thousand wizards and witches were dead or missing as well. Considering the fact that the wizarding population, though it had grown in the last three decades, was barely ten million, this was a catastrophe of unprecedented proportions. The papers were filled with the tales of horror from survivors and gut wrenching pictures of mutilated corpses. Nearly every student in the school had lost family, the Marauders, all of them, took up the job of comforting students with renewed energy. They were the most well liked students in the school, everyone knew about the Marauders, their heroism and adventures, their kindness, and of course their pranks. Almost every day for a whole month a dozen to the record of forty-nine black owls swooped into the hall. The Marauders kept up pranks that did humiliate anyone overly much and a constant strong of hilarious arguments and jokes. It was now late February and the Marauders, while high on some powdery white stuff called sugar, invented a new type of candy, Sour Penguins, so named because they turned the eater into a penguin for a few minutes. They also invented Hop Pops, which made you hop about with surprising speed for five minutes, a great favorite because they came in five flavors, lime, cotton candy, cherry, apple, raspberry, and fizz, (fizz bubbled in your mouth as you ate it) these two became quick additions to Zonko's, bringing in quite a profit.
**
Draco, Ira, and Harry was sitting in his rooms, Harry making a knife handle, Ira and Draco reading, when Ron and Hermione came running in.
"Guess what guys!" All three looked up in surprise at their excited tone of voice.
"What? Snape smile or something?"
"No that'd be scary Harry."
"Well then what has you two all wound up? You're acting like you would if Filch started going around dropping dung bombs."
"If only he would…hey!"
"Good one Draco, illusion Filch dung bombs Hogwarts School. I like it, when do we start?"
"You guys!" Hermione said exasperated, "there's to be a huge meeting tomorrow tonight, all the ministry officials from every country in Europe, and reps from all the countries of the Americas and Asia! And because we're prefects, the BEST prefects, we're going to be there!" Ira dropped her book on Harry's head.
"NO! You're kidding right?"
"Absolutely not. Since all of the new students there's seven prefects per house, twenty eight prefects, we'll just be sitting about along the walls, except for us!" (She was referring to the fact that Ira and Draco were now prefects as well after the arrival of the new students)
"And what do we do? Collect donations? Hand out flyers? Play pranks? Fly? Dance? Sing? Or Cook?" Draco asked, putting emphasis on the pranks.
"None of the above!" Ron said, gesturing energetically. "You see they've all heard about us, and our work with helping the students through, and I quote the Lord Phoenix, "this time of crisis and loss", they'll be comparing us to prefects in other schools and such, so they all want to meet us get it?"
"So we get to suck up to important people all evening? Perhaps I'll turn in my prefect badge." Ira growled in disgust, Ron faltered, he'd been expecting excitement. Hermione stepped in.
"No, no, not at all, WE get something even better!" Draco, Ira, and Harry all snorted at that.
"What, dear Hermione, could /possibly/ be /even/ better then getting to have fake smiles plastered on our faces all evening while we bob up and down like ducks to a crowd of pompous dudes like Percy Weasely? Do we get to kiss their feet as well?" Harry said, his voice dripping sarcasm. Draco and Ira howled with laughter. Hermione got mad.
"Would you three stop it for a moment! This IS interesting! AND it's important, AND it will be fun! They're discussing a partial joining of the Wizarding World and the Elvin Kingdoms. I've got no idea how they'd be joined, or what it would do, but true elves are powerful and Voldemort has caused horrible destruction with them as well. The Order managed to save the major capital called Elfara but many towns, villages, and several small cities were destroyed. Over two thousand elves died, there were only about seventy thousand to begin with. Come on! All the prefects have to go to an emergency meeting about this!" There was an instant flurry of motion. They put their stuff away and hurried out of the rooms, Draco down a secret passageway to his own dorm and the Gryffindors to theirs.
"All Gryffindor students please listen closely. There is an emergency prefects meeting, no this is not about another attack. You'll find out what it is about soon enough, a very exciting and opportunistic occasion has come up for the entire wizarding world and the meeting is to be held here at Hogwarts tomorrow evening. This has to do with an alliance with the elves. Please behave yourselves while we are gone, in the next few days Hogwarts will have to set an example for all wizarding schools while the heads of the Ministries of every country are here. Thank you!" Harry lowered his wand and hurried from the common room after the others.
By the next day the school was in turmoil, all classes had been cancelled to prepare. The staff, prefects, and seventh years spent the entire day giving the great hall a thorough going-over. One big round table was made with a smaller round table inside. At the center table would sit only the most important humans and elves, each Minister would bring three of his best with him, they would sit behind him at the other table. The elf delegation would be given only the best. The floors were polished, tables shined and spelled to magically remove anything, food prepared with exacting work by only the best house elf cooks, the ceiling was re spelled so it was even more magnificent than ever, candles polished and re-lit with faintly scented new wax, millions of them floating in the air. Harry got the idea to re-make every chair to be used until it was fit for a king. The Marauders hurled their creative genius into this activity with splendid results. Gold, silver, copper, inlays in every one, each with its own pattern. The outside table's chairs had deep blue or purple, the inside table's chairs green. The chairs were soft and cushy and smelled very faintly the same as the candles. The tablecloths were so thin they were see- through, made from the finest cloth and woven with gold in intricate runes and designs. The plates were gold with green, blue, or purple gems around the rim. The silverware was also gold, each utensil with a gem on it, same color as the plate's. There were elegant goblets made of diamond, tainted green for the center table and blue or purple for the outer, like everything else they had a golden rim and base. The diamond was cut so that it sparkled and glittered, flickering in the candlelight. A new rug was placed leading from the door to the table, a deep red with gold stripes along the sides. The prefects would be sitting interspaced between the professors, but the Marauders arranged things so they sat together. The Gold, Silver, Purple, Gray, and red patrols were all on duty, emerald robes figures standing to attention in the shadows, seeing everything about them, the Reds and Grays were positioned outside the castle for when people started to arrive and six Purple's stood on each side of the door. There would be ten thousand or so humans and elves attending, everything was arranged so that there was space, but it was still a bit cramped, but not bad. Dumbledore informed them that the King and Queen of the Elves, Galiahara and Antarosio, would be attending themselves with their royal guard, two highest generals, the three headmasters of the elf schools, and a score others, including ten young elves who would be joining Hogwarts, the other twenty or so would arrive the next evening. Until them the Marauders would be responsible for these ten, the students would know they were there, but not get a chance to really speak with them until after the sorting, until then the Marauders would show them around and teach them the ways of the castle.
Once they were done the prefects hurried to their rooms to prepare. They had all agreed on the same robes. Dark purple, nearly black, pants and shirts with long loose sleeves, dark purple robes, open front, with a gold chain at the throat, dark purple belt, gold buckle, dark purple high collar with a gold base, everything decorated with gold, all would wear their prefect badge. Their clothes were charmed so that the pants and shirt were made from very light cool cloth, the robes from slightly heavier material. The Marauders met in their secret rooms before going down. All of the prefects had agreed to wear a long gold chain, the Marauders had wanted to put the Marauder insignia on it, but had been "persuaded" otherwise. All of them were very nervous, they spent a tense five minutes polishing boots and watching the girls adjusting hairstyles. Harry had washed his and tied all of it but the few locks around his face, which weren't long enough, back in a short ponytail, Draco and Ron did likewise. They also each wore a tiny gold loop in their left ear, this was their form of communication, they could speak to each other through it by touching it between thumb and pinky and whispering a message, all the others would hear it. Hermione had tied her bushy hair back in an elaborate bun, Ira brushed her waist-length multi shades of gold hair until it was like silk and charmed it to stay that way and not get messy and put it up in a bun even more decorative than Hermione's, they seemed to be competing for the best hair-do. Both wore tiny gems the same color as their eyes in each ear.
Finally it was time to go, the prefects took a secret passage down, not wanting to go through the common room, they arrived on time and took their seats, thought hey remained standing like the professors who were just as dressed up as they were. Harry, getting impatient, folded his arms his arms into his robe sleeves and closed his eyes briefly, sending out his mind he encountered those of the approaching ministry officials, now just getting out of elegant silver carriages with gold about them and white horses in elegant blue and gold harness. This would be a trail for him, none of them were to be told of his ability, but then he must endure all their thoughts all evening long. He had spent three hours in meditation, preparing himself and was as ready as he could be, his shields were strong and firm, hopefully if tempers got hot and thoughts stronger he would be able to keep them up, or down a bit, as he wished.
Timing had been crucial; everyone had been given a different, time, and each two minutes apart. The elves had been placed to come at the same time as the English ministry, last. Each time a new group entered Dumbledore, wearing amazing purple and gold robes, and the Lord Phoenix, welcomed them. Each time the prefects and staff would bow and shake hands with the leader of the party, it was not nessecary to do so with the others, then turn back to the door to watch for the next group. Harry watched closely, all of them were apparently astonished to be in presence of the Lord Phoenix and impressed with the Order Agents stationed about. He observed that Miranda knew half of the names and titles, Sirius the other half, they played off each other so neither had had to learn it all, Dumbledore was also aided by them and it was he who had memorized little facts which would compliment each.
Finally nearly everyone was here, then the English ministry, still headed by Fudge, but supposedly not for much longer since the vote to remove him was almost done being voted on. Harry and all the others gave him the coldest looks they could manage. Then came the elf delegation.
The Queen and King came first, then in perfect precession the two generals, two assistants, the heads of schools, s few more assistants, then the ten elf students. The new students were placed so that they were seated intermingled with the Marauders. Harry ended up with the Princess, Kylara da Ashixhum on his left, Ron after her, and a cousin of one of the generals, Larquan da Giverhan on his right with Ira down after him. They waited patiently until the speeches were over, it took nearly an hour, Harry could see the bored-to-death looks on the faces of the two on either side of him, his eyes met Larquan's during a particularly boring one, he gave a tiny roll of his eyes, Larquan flicked his eyes in agreement. Harry had never seen elves before, they had very long fingers, slightly more slanted eyes than a humans, a little flatter, pointed chins, very thin eyebrows which curled up just a little at the end, long dark eyes lashes, slightly cat-like dark eyes large pointed ears, thin lips, straight thin noses, and they were a bit smaller than humans. Kylara wore a gray dress with silver and pale gold beads; Larquan wore dark green with thin gold threads woven in patterns at the cuffs and down the front, the deep green matched his dark green eyes. Finally everything was over and they began to eat.
"Welcome to Hogwarts, and may I suggest you try the fizzing raspberry juice, it's much better than the cider." He added as he saw Larquan reaching for his goblet.
"Thanks…Harry right? I didn't catch your full name, it's rather long." He looked a little ashamed, Harry smiled, Dumbledore had had to read Harry's full name, Harry Emrys James Gryffindor Ambrosius Potter each time he was introduced, he'd gotten very tired of it, at least he didn't add Last Royal Aaron, the Thunder King.
"That's fine, just call me Harry, these are Ira, Ron, Hermione and Draco."
The evening progressed slowly, the elves had been working on their English but it was still a little off, the Marauders kept up a constant string of jokes and amusing arguments.
"Are you vegetarian?" Ira asked as she saw that none of the elves had taken any meat.
"Yes, we eat a little meat occasionally, some of us more than others, but I'm entirely vegetarian." Larquan said, Harry glanced around, a few of the elves were eating a little chicken, but that was all. He touched the collar of his robes and loosened it; these were really much to tight.
"So what was your school like?" he asked the other two.
"It was big, not so big as Hogwarts, but close. It too was a castle, made of lighter stone than this one and not so high with the towers. It was very nice, but we didn't have a ceiling like this one." Princess Kylara said, glancing up appreciatively.
"Harry…the same Harry Potter who defeated Voldemort?" One of the elves further down the table next to Draco asked, Harry remembered his name as Harugin.
"Yes, I was a year old." He replied rather shortly in a tone that said not to ask questions.
"Neat, hey is it true that you're a member of the Order of the Phoenix?"
"No, I'm not a member."
"We hear all about the fights and such, we do get the daily prophet, nicely done, it's been in the Prophet that you're a really good fighter."
"Thanks…I wasn't aware anyone had written about it…hmm."
"Are the death eaters tough?"
"Sure, but sometimes I wonder who they're more afraid of, Voldemort or their opponents, I haven't done all that much fighting, but yeah it can get pretty nasty. Hey what's the difference between a death eaters and a bucket full of shit?" The elves all traded looks and shrugged, looking at him expectantly.
"The bucket." Harry said, there were a few chuckles around; from behind him he heard a soft chuckle form the Order agent standing in the shadows. Encouraged the Marauders took turns sprouting off jokes.
Q: What do you call 100 death eaters at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a death eater is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What do have when a death eater is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning death eater?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No, of course not, why should I bother?
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of death eaters goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q. Where can you always find the best death eaters?
A. In the cemetery
Q. What's the difference between a death eater and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
A man (Draco) went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher (Ira)
Draco: "How much for Engineer brain?"
Ira: "3 dollars an ounce."
Draco: "How much for Doctors brain?"
Ira: "6 dollars an ounce."
Draco: "How much for death eater brain?"
Ira: "100 dollars an ounce."
Draco: "Why is death eater brain so much more?"
Ira: "Do you know how many death eaters you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
By this time all ten of the elves were doubled over in laughter, the hall was slowly falling silent as everyone turned to look at them, and the Marauders were arguing.
"You that's probably not true."
"Yeah, impossible, they don't have brains."
"Especially the highest ranking ones."
"How would you know?"
"You remember the last time they attacked?"
"Creamed 'em."
"But still technically that joke can't be right."
"Nor the bus one, why would 50 or so death eaters get on a muggle bus?"
"They were chasing the muggles?"
"Then how'd it go over the cliff?"
"Voldemort was driving."
"He can drive!? World beware!"
"Alright fine he tried to."
"Why would he be on the bus anyway?"
"Cause he wanted to learn to drive?"
"But the joke doesn't mention him."
"He must 'a bailed out."
"Through the front window?"
"Sure, wanted to cushion the landing."
"Of a muggle bus?"
"Well sure, why not? His people were on board."
"Why not a side window?"
"Since when did muggle buses have side windows, especially these days, big enough to jump through?"
"It's impossible."
"Maybe he wasn't wearing the seat belt."
"Do buses have seat belts?"
"No, I was on one once, they don't."
"That's ridiculous! They go zooming about at a hundred miles per hour without any safety precautions?"
"So do Quidditch players."
"Quidditch players always got plenty of people with wands about."
"But the drivers seat does have a seat belt."
"So the driver gets a seat belt and no one else?"
"Yep, that's muggles."
"That's stupider than…whatever that muggle sport is, sky diving, a sure way to the grave."
"Sky diving is fun."
"If you're already dead."
"No I mean it, free falling is fun."
"Do they have a parachute?"
"Only the smart ones."
"What about the others?"
"Splat."
"Oh."
"Ick."
"Not fun."
"No, but not many are that dumb."
"Then how come so many have died?"
"They were trying to win the Darwin award?"
"The what?"
"It's a muggle award, in America, the most creative, stupid, way of snuffing yourself."
"On purpose?"
"No, this is just stupidity."
"They get an award for that?"
"Actually it's for removing themselves from the gene pool."
The argument continued for five full minutes, now everyone was starting to chuckle and laugh, the ten elves were choking with mirth, the Marauders had straight faces and were at this point trying to decide which was better to be, and earth worm or a spider.
"An earth worm."
"You're crazy Harry, those die so easily."
"Not the Australian type, those can be twelve feet long."
"That's a snake."
"No they're earth worms, you can hear them move underground."
"Ew!"
"Spiders are good."
"Ack! No!"
"Unless of course you have Arachnophobia."
Most of the people in the hall were shaking their heads and chuckling as the conversation went back to death eaters.
A death eater died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.
"Only a shilling?" said the Justice,
"Only a shilling to bury an death eater? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the death eater at a prisoner on the stand.
"If I wasn't under this damn spell, I'd return the compliment," replied the prisoner.
"Now wait a sec Ron! How'd you hear about that?" Harry asked in astonishment, he'd thought no one knew about that little episode in the torture chamber between him and his captors.
"Fred. He heard it from one of the other agents, a death eater they were questioning told them about it."
"Grrr."
"Alright, here are some new ones, the dumbest things death eaters and their master ever said." Ira said to get their attention; they all joined in, much to their audience's delight.
Voldemort: So you were gone until you returned?
Death eater addressing a prisoner: You say that the stairs go down to the basement?
Prisoner: Yes.
Death eater: And these stairs, do they also go up?
Death eater: Have you lived in this town all your life?
Prisoner: Not yet.
Harry: The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using death eaters instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the Bar
Association was outraged, and filed suit, but the NIH presented some very good
reasons for the switch.
1) The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional
involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment
could form for a death eater.
2) Death eaters are easier to throw away, your associates don't get mad if you kill them..
3) Death eaters are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump
all over you no matter what you're studying.
4) There are some things even a rat won't do.
However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings.
Hermione: How many death eaters does it take to change a light bulb?
Ira: Three, one to do it and two to report him to Voldie for malpractice.
Ron: It only takes one death eater to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
Harry: You won't find a death eater who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a death eater to curse the light bulb...
Draco: What's Bill 370?
Harry: 370.01 Any person with a valid Rodent hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport (non-commercial) purposes.
Ron: 370.02 Taking of death eaters with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of
currency as bait, however, is prohibited.
Hermione: 370.03 The willful killing of death eaters with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such a vehicle has spikes on the back and is being driven in reverse. If a death eater is "accidentally" struck by a motor vehicle, the dead death eater should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash.
Ira: 370.04 It is permitted for muggles to chase, herd or harvest death eaters from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.
Harry: 370.05 Bag Limits per day:
Already injured death eaters-200
Two-faced death eater spies-100
Backstabbing death eater assassins -300
Horn-rimmed cutthroats -200
Minutiae-advocating chickens-400
Larquan: "Full-time death eaters UNLIMITED!" the Marauders stared, and then they started applauding.
"Bravo! Well done!" Harry said, applauding loudly.
"Excellent one isn't he?" Ron said, smiling widely.
"Wonderful sense of humor!" Ira said, slapping him on the back.
The entire hall stared, the laughter broke out and cheers and applause, al the elves and the Marauders turned to stare in shock at the crowd, the Marauders pretending they hadn't known everyone was listening, the elves truly shocked, they'd been laughing to hard to notice. Harry saw Sirius grinning form ear to ear and applauding, Dumbledore was laughing, even SNAPE was smiling and clapping, though he tried to scowl when he saw Harry looking, but he couldn't help grinning. The Marauders all traded looks, shrugged, stood and bowed, then sat back down again.
Slowly the meal continued, everyone glancing at the Marauders from time to time, the Marauders were chatting away with their new fellow students as if they weren't the center of the attention and nothing the least bit unusual; had just happened.
Did you like it? Please review! Next chapter hopefully coming soon!