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Mortimer Harren's Personal Log, stardate 54674.1
I sometimes wonder if our ship's registration number shouldn't be 666 or 13. Now, you thought one Captain Janeway was enough? How about two of them? Both of them are equally uptight, and both have that walk that says Unbeknownst to you I have something lodged up my rear. That voice, too...it's so grating. Have a freaking Halls. Drink some of that coffee you love so much. Anything to get rid of that sandpaper voice. Perhaps she's actually a closet chain smoker and she hides the pack up her ass...hopefully she doesn't keep the lighter there, too. Some of Mr. Neelix's foods can really cause gas.
So, apparently, we now have ADMIRAL Janeway, and CAPTAIN Janeway. Commander Chakotay explained this very slowly to the junior officers.
"See, Admiral Janeway has white hair, and Captain Janeway has brown hair," he said, "That's how you can tell them apart."
"Couldn't we have just looked at their pips?" someone replied.
"Uh, I didn't think of that," our brilliant second in command responded.
Again, he thinks the rest of the crew is at the same intellectual level as himself. That's why she (they?) sent him down here. He makes Tal Celes look like the next Zefram Cochrane. If we can't understand HIS explanations, there's really no hope. See, opposites attract, which is why Janeway and Seven are attracted to him. They're pretty (well, I'm sure Janeway was when she was younger), he's a dog. They're commanding, he's a milquetoast. They're smart, he's dumb.
Am I the only one who sees a hypocrite in Janeway? God, what a pain she is. First she can't stop drooling over Chackers, then gets pissy at Torres and Paris for getting too intimate while on duty. We're on a fucking Intrepid class starship in the middle of the Delta Quadrant for God's sake! We can't get any more intimate cooped up in this sardine tin! Or when she thought the Doctor's Photons Be Free program was inappropriate. Inappropriate? What do you call commandeering Tom Paris' Fair Haven character Michael O'Sullivan and turning him into the Captain's little love slave? That's considered appropriate, but writing a brilliantly sarcastic satire on Voyager's crew (which I personally thought was right on the mark) was wrong in the eyes of our Captain? Or how about when she stranded us here on the pretense of following the Prime Directive, then blatantly ignored the Temporal prime directive to get us home. Hello, is one more important than the other? How the hell did this woman ever get to command a starship, other than the good ship lollipop? God, I need a drink...
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Ooh, who will be the subject of tomorrow's little bitch session? Check back and find out!