Reach out and Touch Somebody

By Strife

Disclaimer: DBZ belongs to Akira Toriyama, Funimation, etc. No copyright infrigement intended.

Rating: PG for adult themes. This fic is a parody.

The World Tournament shopping centre was filled with prospective buyers from around the world. The Hercule merchandising 'buy-something-you-sucker' gift shop was totally packed, and around it were shops where you could find anything you could possibly want to purchase. Goku was in heaven.

"Bulma, can I have some money?" Goku whined. "I want some money!"

"Well you should have thought about that before you came back from the friggen dead," Bulma snapped, ignoring Vegeta elbowing roughly past her.

"Woman, money!" He grunted at his wife.

Bulma rolled her eyes, stretched her arms behind her head, yawned and lied. "I'm broke."

Vegeta's left eye bugged like a goldfish on Ritalin. "You're lying woman! Your purse strings are closed more tightly than your legs ever were!" He looked sort of self righteous, but didn't appear very secure when Bulma cast him a very evil stare.

"We're in public," She forced through clenched teeth. She looked even more infuriated when Vegeta thrust his gloved hand down her cleavage. "What is this? Some sort of funky Sayijin mating ritual?!"

Vegeta smiled unpleasantly. "Oh you have no idea." He suddenly came across a letter. "What is this?"

"Oh hell!" Bulma cried in anguish.

Vegeta smoothed out the piece of paper. "Dear Bulma. I'm not a martial artist anymore, so can we do it now? Think of the way Vegeta would grunt it out in the sack, it'll endear me in ways you never thought possible! - Yamcha."
Vegeta blasted it with a tiny energy blast, and then spun. "How dare you hide this away from me woman?!"

Bulma pulled a sour face, then stuck a handful of notes in Vegeta's hand. "Go! Take it! I don't even want to look at you right now!"

Vegeta grimaced in a way that either meant 'thank you' or 'you damn whore' and stalked away. Bulma felt a tap on her shoulder.

"Bulma?" Said Goku innocently, holding out his hand for money. Bulma sighed, and stuck some more cash down the front of his gi. He gave a big thumbs up. "Cool!"
Bulma moved to walk away, but a tiny voice stopped her in her tracks. "Mom?"

Bulma blinked. She hadn't even realized that Trunks had been walking along behind her. She groaned in frustration and forked out more money to her first born. *Rethink 'em before you have 'em* She thought with a sigh. She turned around and was contemplating checking out the Hercule store, and was met by Goten. He smiled sheepishly. "Um...mom?"

"I...am...not...your...mother!" Bulma snapped.

"But...but you look kinda like her." Said Goten, as if that was enough to make her his mother.

"Whatever. You two stay together, don't talk to strangers, don't beat up on strangers and don't power blast strangers." She paused. "And hold hands when crossing the street!" She handed Goten some coins. "The last thing I need is to find TWO of my children flattened under a car."

She watched the two boys dash down the street. *I wish Trunks would behave more like his father. Then he could push Goten underneath a set of wheels and save me some money every month.*

Bulma wandered numbly in the market square for a few minutes, before being shoved none to gently aside by a maddened horde of teenage girls in Hercule tee-shirts. She staggered to the left and suddenly found herself facing a small tent she hadn't noticed before. It looked strangely out of place shoved snugly in between 'The Hercule Store' and 'Big Bad Kebabs', kinda like how Goku would look out of place at a maths convention. The sign outside read; 'FORTUNE TELLER. (Yes, I know you're reading this. You're going to die a horrible death...or something.)'

"What a good physic!" Bulma remarked, stepping into the tent.

~

There was a little scruffy man sitting before a crystal ball, and his mouth had formed a perfect 'O' in surprise at Bulma's entry. He closed it so it looked less like an 'O' and stated baldly, "I knew you were going to come."

"Oh really?"

"Yep." He scratched himself a bit too obscenely.
Bulma decided she didn't like him. She thought for a moment, and then said it how it was. "I don't like you."

"I knew that too."

"You should've known from the moment you put your hands down your purple hippie slacks!"

The man paused, pulled his hand from his trousers, and gave a toothless smile. "Let me tell your fortune, my blue haired muffin." Bulma sighed and plonked herself down on a green velvet cushion that Vegeta would with no doubt blast if he saw it. He stuck out his hand. "Money firthst."

*Splendid,* Bulma thought in distaste. *The man has a lisp.* "What?"

"Cashth Firthst! I'm renowned for the spthrits that thlow through me!"

*And a bladder problem...* Bulma begrudgingly pulled her purse from her cleavage and stuffed a few notes in his hand. "How much do you actually want."

"Ten Theni for a palm reading. Twenty for tarot. Forty to curse the thirst born thon of your enemy," He paused. "I'll do the lot for thirty."

"I'm sure you will." Bulma muttered, pulling out more coins. He counted them, and then gestured for her palm, which he examined deeply.

"Your life line is quite long," He began. "Not like that goofy man who came in earlier. His was really thort, but he had like, twenty of them!"

Bulma rolled her eyes.

"There's a perthon in your life that cautheth you greath streth!"

"If you don't start talking normally I'm gonna call back the goofy guy that made that," She gestured to a large burn mark in the tent which looked suspiciously from a Kame Hameya. "And tell him you slept with his wife."

"Hey, sometimes I get more money out of sympathy!" The Medium frowned. "Didn't fool you?"

"No." Bulma grunted. "Go on."

"As I was saying, there's someone in your life who causes you great stress."

"You can just count the one?" Bulma yawned. She was bored.

"You have experienced great loss!"

"Well, duh."

He paused. "Let's begin on the tarot shall we?"

Bulma shrugged. "Whatever."

He pulled out the deck of cards, shuffled them, and held them out before Bulma. She yanked out the first card, and held it up. "Death."

"Very well," Said the Physic. "Pull another."

Bulma did so. "Death again." He paused, reshuffled, and held them out. "Death card."

"What in the name of Hercule's panties?" He demanded to no one in particular, pulling out death card after death card. Bulma sighed.

"I'm not the luckiest type." She noticed that he had flung the cards in the air, and little grim reapers were fluttering all about him. "What's your name?"

"Ed."

"Ed, have you heard of Shenlong?"

"Heard of him?" Ed gave a grin. "We've worked together! We have a small business based from HFIL."

"Swell." Said Bulma. "Anyway, are we gonna move on?"

"I'll need something off your body."

Somehow, Bulma managed to snap of her underwear without removing her pants, and handed them to Ed. "Can't get any more personal than this."

He stared at them intently for a moment (They were covered in little Dragonballs), and then stated; "Now ask me a question."

"Will I ever get a vacation?" Bulma asked blandly.

"Well...when you're dead."

Bulma scowled. "What about true love?"

"You've found it!" Ed said enthusiastically. Bulma looked incredulous.

"Then who the hell is it?"

"Vegeta."

Bulma snorted. "No really, who?"

Ed scratched his head. "Vegeta. From planet Vegeta." Her twirled her panties on his finger, sure that it was helping his visions flow clearly. "But don't worry. Your not his true love."

"I'm not?" Bulma sounded very innocent.

"Nope."

"Then who is?!"

Ed paused yet again. He took a deep breath. "It's himself. Yep, he loves himself more than he loves you."

"I'll kill him!" Bulma shrieked, shaking her fist in the air. "And then I'll sleep with Yamcha!"

"And risk getting the clap again?" Ed asked intently. Bulma shot him a dark look, but it softened when Ed placed his hand upon her shoulder.

"I know it's hard when you find out the one you love is a stuck up, arrogant bastard."

"But I've always known that." Said Bulma.

"In that case, I'll be seeing you around."

"That's it?" Bulma growled dangerously. "But you didn't even use the crystal ball!"

"Fine fine, make me work why don't you?" Ed grumbled. He pranced around it for a few moments, the same way Krillin pranced around the flower beds in a huff when Eighteen made him pull weeds, then came to a complete halt.

"What do you see?" Bulma said excitedly, amazed by the array of colors flashing from the clear orb. Ed shrugged.

"Death."

Bulma sighed, grabbed the ball and flung it out of the charred hole in the side of the tent. There was a crash, and a grunt, which suspiciously sounded like Hercule in enormous pain. "Are you a medium?"

"Whatever do you mean?" Ed quipped innocently.

"Can you hook me up a connection to talk to the dead?"

"Honey," Said Ed, gripping her shoulder. "All my sources tell me you're gonna be dead soon. Then you can talk to them all you like."

Bulma gripped Ed by the collar and shook him wildly. "Or I could kill you now and YOU could talk to them." She looked rather feral. Ed smiled a nervous, toothless smile.

"Fine, use me as a medium, see if I care. It'll cost you an extra twenty Zeni."

"I'm loaded." Said Bulma. "Shoot."

The little man ran and bolted the door to his tent. He then lit candles all around him, then sat in a lotus position upon the ground. "Who do you want to talk to first?"

"Frieza." Said Bulma quickly. Ed opened one eye.
"Are you mad?"

"Gimme Frieza!" Bulma snapped. Ed grumbled, and shut his eyes again. When he opened them, he spoke to her in a quiet, raspy voice.

"What the hell do you want?"

"You're a silly transgendered bastard!" Bulma screamed in glee. "Okay, throw the switch and get rid of the bitch! Hey, that rhymed, this is too much fun!"

"You contacted me through a medium just to say that?" Frieza sighed.

Ed coughed and came back, and quite obviously, he looked very displeased. "You can't just contact dead souls to insult them, woman!"

"I'm paying here!" Bulma retorted. "I wanna speak to Raditz. I had a major crush on him."

Ed tuned into Raditz. "Hey baby, long time, no friggen thoughts in my honor."

"Rad, I'm a busy woman," Bulma began. "I haven't got time to sit around and think of you every day."

"I understand Bulma. Ya know, whatever. You can sit around listening Vegeta babble on about defeating Kakarrot all day everyday. You have the audacity to yell out 'you're so much better than Raditz was' when you were bonking that bastard Yamcha that time!"

"Ed, hang up on him. He's pissing me off."

Ed, wiped the sweat off his bald forehead. "Next?"

"Kami, I suppose. I miss the old lush."

Ed hooked in. "Bulma, have you got a date yet? I can tell from here you need to take a bath."

Bulma paused. "I'm with Vegeta."

"But he loves himself more than you." He paused. "You need a date. Maybe you could hook up with Yamcha again -- I think he's finally cleared up that little problem with the clap."

"Have you been telling him things?!" Bulma demanded of Ed hysterically. Kami rolled his eyes.

"Hey, I am GOD you know."

"Hang up on him!"

"What, no kiss for the dead guy?"

Bulma wrinkled her nose in distaste. "Goku. I wanna speak to Goku."

Ed exhaled deeply. "Bulma, you're only calling me 'cause you're bored. I'm just outside. And can I have some more money when you come out please?" Ed sneezed. "He's gone. And I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. You're out of money and I'm exhausted -- if you don't go I'm suing you for mental anguish!"

"Fine, be that way!" Bulma muttered, wrenching the shoddy lock off the yurt and stomping outside into the sunlight, where she ran into Vegeta.

"You've been in that stupid tent spending money you could've spent on me, woman!" Vegeta shouted, waving his arms about his head irately. Bulma looked as if she had sucked a lemon, and spotting Yamcha loitering about the Hercule store, she grabbed him and kissed him deeply. Vegeta, shocked by her forwardness, said nothing. Goku strolled up.

"More money please!"

"Sorry Goku, I spent my last Zeni telling Frieza what a fruit he is through a medium."

"That makes two of us then." Said Goku miserably.

"I disown you all!" Vegeta growled. "Bulma? Who's that? Kakarrot? Never heard of him! Yamcha? Isn't he the fool who died last week of friggen syphilis?!"

Bulma spun on her heel, Yamcha trailing her like a lost puppy. "Let's get out of here, one more piece of Hercule merchandise and I'm going to go insane. Besides, we don't want to miss Vegeta's and Goku's match, do we?"

"Nope, that would suck!" Said Goku enthusiastically.

Vegeta's left eye twitched, and with a princely huff, he trailed the small group, pulling a face. Finally, he spoke.

"Woman, can't I at least have some money to get a candy apple?"

"If he gets a candy apple," Began Yamcha. "I get a candy apple!"

Bulma paused, stared at the two Z fighters, and sighed.

"Maybe it's time I became a lesbian."

End.