So farewell hope, and with hope with hope farewell fear,
Farewell remorse; all good to me is lost
Evil be thou my Good.
-John Milton
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Buffy was walking into her room when it happened. She was walking as though she was in a trance, walking slowly and surly to her seeming doom. Maybe it was, she wasn't sure about it; she wasn't sure about anything anymore. Her fate was uncertain but her mind was decided against one way and she couldn't go back to being a bystander.
Ignorance is bliss.
What happened was simple, yet unnatural, an illusion of the future of a path. She caught a glimpse of herself in a mirror. It was a quick glance, lasting not even five seconds but she saw it for long enough to tell it was real. It was her.
She had the same face, but makeup that reminded her of Faith, deep, dark gothic colors. Her hair was died an ebony black, and her skin looked pale. She wore black leather, and she looked good.
The image in the mirror looked as troubled as her, just as lost in it's own mind, and unlike her it's eyes showed an understanding of what was happening. It just looked at her, not smiling, not smirking, not shaking it's head. Blank, but a look she couldn't place, no tone of sympathy, not once of joy not one of sorrow. The puzzled understanding in its eyes was what she didn't get, what she couldn't comprehend. The face wasn't nostalgic, but it didn't appear happy either. It was her, it seemed, but in so many ways it wasn't. There was
It seemed like a shadow, a distortion of her. Someone else with her body, but Buffy paid that no attention. What she saw in the mirror she liked, for she saw it as a way out a new life she could live.
She could fight for the other side.
Evil Buffy. Hmmm. Interesting.
It wasn't that that allured her, though. It was the freedom, the lack of rules that came with evil, the way people didn't mind whatever bad sins you do. They have a problem with you doing what's hard, fighting the good fight, being a good person. How much easier evil is, the lack of restrictions it provided.
Good had it's own rules. No giving in to human impulses, no doubting whatever you've been taught. Be nice to everyone, don't tell them they annoy you, and be fair, share. All the things people hated doing but did anyway to make others like them and to make them a good person.
Screw it.
Evil had no trust, no friendship, no love. Trust was something you couldn't have, because no one was worthy of it and you'd wind up dead. Friendship was replaced with alliances and enemies and love with lust. How much simpler the evil code of honor, if there was honor in evil, was then good.
Free.
There was no one you had to protect, no one you had to look out for other than yourself.
All that mattered to you was you, and you alone. For the first time Buffy saw how different Spike was compared to evil. He cared for Dru; Dru was his world. He loved her, not lusted after her, he-
SCREW this!
I don't give a damn!
Buffy stamped those thoughts out of her head. She was a little nervous, and a little remorseful that theses thoughts entered her mind, and that she was giving into them.
No. I don't care.
She chanted those words into her head and gathered all her will power to make those words true. I don't care. I don't care. She squeezed her eyes shut hard crumpling the sheet of her bed. All the strength in her body went to her hand and mind as she chanted, over and over in one frenzied circle willing them true making herself believe and accept them as true. Her thoughts were synchronized and controlled with all her power. I don't care.
I don't care.
I don't care.
Then—snap—she didn't care.
She left it all behind, human emotions:
Love, trust, friendship.
Remorse, hope, fear.
She knew no one other then herself needed to survive and she was intent on keeping it that way. So why fight to save all those people? It only endangered her life, anyway. Bystanders got killed everyday, and she didn't wan to be bored like that. Evil seemed like the best way to go.
Not just for the prospect of being evil; was anyone evil for that alone? No, she thought of evil as simply the winning side in this war and the best thing to do to survive was to fight no the winning side.
Her thoughts collided and ran together, her hand still loosely on the bed sheet but her eyes open in a wide eyed wonderment like the first look a child has on Disney Land. There was something in them that hadn't been there before, though. It was one of the most striking differences between her and the image she saw in the mirror. It wasn't there at first, but now there it was. Hard rocks at the core an indifferent look that wasn't there before.
Inside her mind was running at a million miles per hour, racing through thoughts as they hit, her head was a game of bumper cars, hitting and colliding and finally she was left wait a feeling of excitement and ecstasy, a feeling so free of the old feelings she had known but pure joy at the same time. She was free.
And the main question—was this worth its price—never entered her head.
~TBC~
Farewell remorse; all good to me is lost
Evil be thou my Good.
-John Milton
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Buffy was walking into her room when it happened. She was walking as though she was in a trance, walking slowly and surly to her seeming doom. Maybe it was, she wasn't sure about it; she wasn't sure about anything anymore. Her fate was uncertain but her mind was decided against one way and she couldn't go back to being a bystander.
Ignorance is bliss.
What happened was simple, yet unnatural, an illusion of the future of a path. She caught a glimpse of herself in a mirror. It was a quick glance, lasting not even five seconds but she saw it for long enough to tell it was real. It was her.
She had the same face, but makeup that reminded her of Faith, deep, dark gothic colors. Her hair was died an ebony black, and her skin looked pale. She wore black leather, and she looked good.
The image in the mirror looked as troubled as her, just as lost in it's own mind, and unlike her it's eyes showed an understanding of what was happening. It just looked at her, not smiling, not smirking, not shaking it's head. Blank, but a look she couldn't place, no tone of sympathy, not once of joy not one of sorrow. The puzzled understanding in its eyes was what she didn't get, what she couldn't comprehend. The face wasn't nostalgic, but it didn't appear happy either. It was her, it seemed, but in so many ways it wasn't. There was
It seemed like a shadow, a distortion of her. Someone else with her body, but Buffy paid that no attention. What she saw in the mirror she liked, for she saw it as a way out a new life she could live.
She could fight for the other side.
Evil Buffy. Hmmm. Interesting.
It wasn't that that allured her, though. It was the freedom, the lack of rules that came with evil, the way people didn't mind whatever bad sins you do. They have a problem with you doing what's hard, fighting the good fight, being a good person. How much easier evil is, the lack of restrictions it provided.
Good had it's own rules. No giving in to human impulses, no doubting whatever you've been taught. Be nice to everyone, don't tell them they annoy you, and be fair, share. All the things people hated doing but did anyway to make others like them and to make them a good person.
Screw it.
Evil had no trust, no friendship, no love. Trust was something you couldn't have, because no one was worthy of it and you'd wind up dead. Friendship was replaced with alliances and enemies and love with lust. How much simpler the evil code of honor, if there was honor in evil, was then good.
Free.
There was no one you had to protect, no one you had to look out for other than yourself.
All that mattered to you was you, and you alone. For the first time Buffy saw how different Spike was compared to evil. He cared for Dru; Dru was his world. He loved her, not lusted after her, he-
SCREW this!
I don't give a damn!
Buffy stamped those thoughts out of her head. She was a little nervous, and a little remorseful that theses thoughts entered her mind, and that she was giving into them.
No. I don't care.
She chanted those words into her head and gathered all her will power to make those words true. I don't care. I don't care. She squeezed her eyes shut hard crumpling the sheet of her bed. All the strength in her body went to her hand and mind as she chanted, over and over in one frenzied circle willing them true making herself believe and accept them as true. Her thoughts were synchronized and controlled with all her power. I don't care.
I don't care.
I don't care.
Then—snap—she didn't care.
She left it all behind, human emotions:
Love, trust, friendship.
Remorse, hope, fear.
She knew no one other then herself needed to survive and she was intent on keeping it that way. So why fight to save all those people? It only endangered her life, anyway. Bystanders got killed everyday, and she didn't wan to be bored like that. Evil seemed like the best way to go.
Not just for the prospect of being evil; was anyone evil for that alone? No, she thought of evil as simply the winning side in this war and the best thing to do to survive was to fight no the winning side.
Her thoughts collided and ran together, her hand still loosely on the bed sheet but her eyes open in a wide eyed wonderment like the first look a child has on Disney Land. There was something in them that hadn't been there before, though. It was one of the most striking differences between her and the image she saw in the mirror. It wasn't there at first, but now there it was. Hard rocks at the core an indifferent look that wasn't there before.
Inside her mind was running at a million miles per hour, racing through thoughts as they hit, her head was a game of bumper cars, hitting and colliding and finally she was left wait a feeling of excitement and ecstasy, a feeling so free of the old feelings she had known but pure joy at the same time. She was free.
And the main question—was this worth its price—never entered her head.
~TBC~