Blame me
NOTE: The beginning starts out as an entry to a journal, so the sentences won't always be perfect. Some sentences will lack transitions, and the subjects will tend to change, since he's a little confused himself. I also mention a few things from the end of season 5. They might not be a hundred percent correct. I haven't seen it in awhile, so it's all from memory.
Oh, and by the way, say whatever you want in your review. I'm not going to beg you not to flame me. Why should I? However, I do request that you review, because I like to know if people are reading what I'm writing. (even if they don't like it).
Preface: The journal entry…
5-1-02 A little past midnight…
Do you love me?
It's a question I've been asking for over a hundred years. But I've never gotten the answer I was looking for. Oh sure, the sex has been great, but love? Never. Of course I'VE been in love before. But has anyone ever loved me back? No.
As a matter of fact, I don't even think anyone has ever really liked me. It's always MY fault if something goes wrong. Even when I was a child my mother used to blame me for whatever went wrong. If a piece of the pie was missing? My fault. The window could have been wide open, the pie on the sill, no one home; anyone could have taken it. But did she ever think of that? No, she always blamed it on William.
Later, when I was turned and new to the world of vampires, a group of humans stumbled upon our hideout. Before I could even say anything, Angelus is screaming and cursing at me while torturing and killing the unfortunate humans. But was it my fault? The humans could have heard where our hideout was from anyone. They could have even followed Angelus when he came back from hunting. But no one ever thought of that!
Most recently, Buffy has been blaming me for whatever troubles her. If she feels guilty? My fault! If she's being dishonest to her friends? My fault! She blamed me for stealing the demon eggs. Even blamed me for implanting the camera (by the way, I had no idea there even was a camera!) Also, she used to blame me for corrupting the Lil Bit. Hey, is it my fault that she happened to stop by in my crypt? Secretly, she even blames me for her death. If only I had saved Dawn before her blood was spilled and the portal opened.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot. There also was the time when Drusilla and I had gone to South America after Buffy sent Angelus to Hell. She said it was my fault that she was cheating on me. Yeah, like I forced her to make out with a chaos demon! I was making HER miserable and unhappy? Yeah, because it just feels so horrible to be the one actually cheating! But I'll get back to that…
I haven't even mentioned all the times that the Scoobies have blamed me for just about everything that has ever gone wrong in Sunnydale! Especially that Xander. I never understood the stupid git. What did he have against me? He always said that I was nothing more than an evil, soulless 'thing.' Hey, can you blame me for being soulless? Okay, maybe I did want to become a vampire. And maybe everything I just mentioned was my fault. (Well, except for the camera). But they still shouldn't have blamed me!
That Xander really has some issues. No one else had blamed me for implanting that stupid camera. But he did! If he wasn't such a weakling, he would have killed me already. But I never truly understood what he had against me, until tonight that is. Now I think I know. It's because he's jealous! Now, I don't necessarily mean that in a cocky way. It's simply a fact. That's also why he hated Angel. Because Buffy didn't love him like that, didn't want HIM like that. Well let me tell you something, the guy is an absolute moron! Before he knew I was sleeping with Buffy, he was jealous of me. Why? Because he thought there was more chance of her loving me like that than him. Me, the evil dead, having more of a chance with her than him! How stupid! She NEVER loved me, and she never will!
But enough about Buffy. I think a part of me will always love her, just like a part of me will always love Drusilla and even Sicily. If I fall in love one more time, there'll be nothing left of me…
But it's not like Xander hasn't ever been loved! Willow and Buffy both love him as friends. Hell, I even think a part of Willow is still IN love with him (The not gay one from high school).
And then there's Anya. Anya always loved him. Any idiot could see that, except him. What kind of a retarded bastard walks out on a beautiful woman who loves him more than life itself? Did he forget that? Did he forget how she saved his life when Glory opened the portal? No one else seems to remember, but I do. I may have been a little out of it (I had just fallen off the tower), but I wasn't bloody unconscious! She pushed him out of the way before the beam hit him, nearly getting killed herself. Yet no one noticed. No one cared. Everyone was thinking about Buffy. Not that I should talk. That was all that was on my mind as well. She was dead, she had died. At that moment, my entire undead life came to a screeching halt. How could I go on without Buffy?
Well, I did. Barely. Taking care of Dawn gave me a purpose. To tell you the truth, I didn't even think of Anya. I was consumed with grief from the loss of Buffy. I wish that I hadn't have been. Then I could have saw the fear and doubt in Xander and saved her from heartbreak. But all we thought about was the past. That is, everyone except Anya. She was ready to move on with life. She wanted tell everyone that she was engaged to Xander. Bring them some happy news. But instead of seeing it that way, Xander wanted to hide their engagement. It was too soon, too painful. Let's mourn some more over Buffy instead…
Anya is the only one who was honest. Everyone eventually wanted to get on with their lives, but according to them, it would be considered rude and inappropriate. Humans are so stupid. Hell, even I'm stupid! For example, when I didn't tell Buffy I loved her until months later, when Drusilla came back to town. Even I didn't say what was on my mind! You see, I've always believed in being forthright. It saves a lot of time and problems. Plus, it makes you feel better. People who are forthright almost never feel guilty. That's why I was so shocked at how miserable Anya felt after Xander saw us having sex. She had even told me that the only reason she was doing it was because she was lonely and drunk . Oh yeah, that I smelled good. Chanel cologne. Ladies love that stuff.
Anyway, the point I've been trying to make is that everyone blames me for everything. The only catch is that what I'm being blamed for is usually my fault.
But it wasn't Anya's fault. She told me her reasons. I manipulated Her! But can I help it? My entire life (both alive and undead), women have been manipulating me. That's my weakness, you know. Well, I finally turned the tables around. But what bothers me is that Xander blamed her. He made her feel unworthy to even look at him. He has some nerve! Why, I wish…
No, Anya told me not to wish. Guess she got her powers back. Well, if he doesn't take her back, I'll have to kill him myself, chip and all.
Wait a minute, why the bloody hell should she go back to him?
Damn it, it's happening again! Maybe I should stop seeing women altogether.
Then again, life wouldn't be as interesting...
You know what? I'm going to go find her. I'll see what happens, because I've had this feeling before, and it doesn't go away for awhile. I need to find out once and for all what I'm feeling, and for whom am I feeling this feeling for. Or something like that!
Maybe I am to blame, but at least I'm man enough to admit it.
To be continued…
Okay, just want to let you know that the whole story will NOT be a journal entry. And my updates will NOT be once a day. One a week is more like it. (If I'm not swarmed with work). If you're a sworn Buffy/Spike shipper, you may not want to read this story. It's NOT against the shipper. A part of him will always love her. And a part of her may even love him… you have to read to find out!
NOTE: The beginning starts out as an entry to a journal, so the sentences won't always be perfect. Some sentences will lack transitions, and the subjects will tend to change, since he's a little confused himself. I also mention a few things from the end of season 5. They might not be a hundred percent correct. I haven't seen it in awhile, so it's all from memory.
Oh, and by the way, say whatever you want in your review. I'm not going to beg you not to flame me. Why should I? However, I do request that you review, because I like to know if people are reading what I'm writing. (even if they don't like it).
Preface: The journal entry…
5-1-02 A little past midnight…
Do you love me?
It's a question I've been asking for over a hundred years. But I've never gotten the answer I was looking for. Oh sure, the sex has been great, but love? Never. Of course I'VE been in love before. But has anyone ever loved me back? No.
As a matter of fact, I don't even think anyone has ever really liked me. It's always MY fault if something goes wrong. Even when I was a child my mother used to blame me for whatever went wrong. If a piece of the pie was missing? My fault. The window could have been wide open, the pie on the sill, no one home; anyone could have taken it. But did she ever think of that? No, she always blamed it on William.
Later, when I was turned and new to the world of vampires, a group of humans stumbled upon our hideout. Before I could even say anything, Angelus is screaming and cursing at me while torturing and killing the unfortunate humans. But was it my fault? The humans could have heard where our hideout was from anyone. They could have even followed Angelus when he came back from hunting. But no one ever thought of that!
Most recently, Buffy has been blaming me for whatever troubles her. If she feels guilty? My fault! If she's being dishonest to her friends? My fault! She blamed me for stealing the demon eggs. Even blamed me for implanting the camera (by the way, I had no idea there even was a camera!) Also, she used to blame me for corrupting the Lil Bit. Hey, is it my fault that she happened to stop by in my crypt? Secretly, she even blames me for her death. If only I had saved Dawn before her blood was spilled and the portal opened.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot. There also was the time when Drusilla and I had gone to South America after Buffy sent Angelus to Hell. She said it was my fault that she was cheating on me. Yeah, like I forced her to make out with a chaos demon! I was making HER miserable and unhappy? Yeah, because it just feels so horrible to be the one actually cheating! But I'll get back to that…
I haven't even mentioned all the times that the Scoobies have blamed me for just about everything that has ever gone wrong in Sunnydale! Especially that Xander. I never understood the stupid git. What did he have against me? He always said that I was nothing more than an evil, soulless 'thing.' Hey, can you blame me for being soulless? Okay, maybe I did want to become a vampire. And maybe everything I just mentioned was my fault. (Well, except for the camera). But they still shouldn't have blamed me!
That Xander really has some issues. No one else had blamed me for implanting that stupid camera. But he did! If he wasn't such a weakling, he would have killed me already. But I never truly understood what he had against me, until tonight that is. Now I think I know. It's because he's jealous! Now, I don't necessarily mean that in a cocky way. It's simply a fact. That's also why he hated Angel. Because Buffy didn't love him like that, didn't want HIM like that. Well let me tell you something, the guy is an absolute moron! Before he knew I was sleeping with Buffy, he was jealous of me. Why? Because he thought there was more chance of her loving me like that than him. Me, the evil dead, having more of a chance with her than him! How stupid! She NEVER loved me, and she never will!
But enough about Buffy. I think a part of me will always love her, just like a part of me will always love Drusilla and even Sicily. If I fall in love one more time, there'll be nothing left of me…
But it's not like Xander hasn't ever been loved! Willow and Buffy both love him as friends. Hell, I even think a part of Willow is still IN love with him (The not gay one from high school).
And then there's Anya. Anya always loved him. Any idiot could see that, except him. What kind of a retarded bastard walks out on a beautiful woman who loves him more than life itself? Did he forget that? Did he forget how she saved his life when Glory opened the portal? No one else seems to remember, but I do. I may have been a little out of it (I had just fallen off the tower), but I wasn't bloody unconscious! She pushed him out of the way before the beam hit him, nearly getting killed herself. Yet no one noticed. No one cared. Everyone was thinking about Buffy. Not that I should talk. That was all that was on my mind as well. She was dead, she had died. At that moment, my entire undead life came to a screeching halt. How could I go on without Buffy?
Well, I did. Barely. Taking care of Dawn gave me a purpose. To tell you the truth, I didn't even think of Anya. I was consumed with grief from the loss of Buffy. I wish that I hadn't have been. Then I could have saw the fear and doubt in Xander and saved her from heartbreak. But all we thought about was the past. That is, everyone except Anya. She was ready to move on with life. She wanted tell everyone that she was engaged to Xander. Bring them some happy news. But instead of seeing it that way, Xander wanted to hide their engagement. It was too soon, too painful. Let's mourn some more over Buffy instead…
Anya is the only one who was honest. Everyone eventually wanted to get on with their lives, but according to them, it would be considered rude and inappropriate. Humans are so stupid. Hell, even I'm stupid! For example, when I didn't tell Buffy I loved her until months later, when Drusilla came back to town. Even I didn't say what was on my mind! You see, I've always believed in being forthright. It saves a lot of time and problems. Plus, it makes you feel better. People who are forthright almost never feel guilty. That's why I was so shocked at how miserable Anya felt after Xander saw us having sex. She had even told me that the only reason she was doing it was because she was lonely and drunk . Oh yeah, that I smelled good. Chanel cologne. Ladies love that stuff.
Anyway, the point I've been trying to make is that everyone blames me for everything. The only catch is that what I'm being blamed for is usually my fault.
But it wasn't Anya's fault. She told me her reasons. I manipulated Her! But can I help it? My entire life (both alive and undead), women have been manipulating me. That's my weakness, you know. Well, I finally turned the tables around. But what bothers me is that Xander blamed her. He made her feel unworthy to even look at him. He has some nerve! Why, I wish…
No, Anya told me not to wish. Guess she got her powers back. Well, if he doesn't take her back, I'll have to kill him myself, chip and all.
Wait a minute, why the bloody hell should she go back to him?
Damn it, it's happening again! Maybe I should stop seeing women altogether.
Then again, life wouldn't be as interesting...
You know what? I'm going to go find her. I'll see what happens, because I've had this feeling before, and it doesn't go away for awhile. I need to find out once and for all what I'm feeling, and for whom am I feeling this feeling for. Or something like that!
Maybe I am to blame, but at least I'm man enough to admit it.
To be continued…
Okay, just want to let you know that the whole story will NOT be a journal entry. And my updates will NOT be once a day. One a week is more like it. (If I'm not swarmed with work). If you're a sworn Buffy/Spike shipper, you may not want to read this story. It's NOT against the shipper. A part of him will always love her. And a part of her may even love him… you have to read to find out!