Part 10
The silence was uncomfortable. She could feel the tension coming off of him in waves but she refused to say anything until they had reached wherever it was he was taking her.
She wanted to see his face when she told him what needed to be said. She needed to know that he truly [I]heard[/I] her. Because she refused to fall back into the cycle of pain and grief their entire relationship had entailed - from the very beginning.
Her life was not perfect by any means, but she was content. If she could marry Dan, find a job that completed her as teaching did Isabel or singing did Maria, well, then she would be happy.
But first she needed to end the dream that was Max Evans. Because the dream had never really been a dream at all, but a nightmare. And, yet, still she held onto it. And as long as she held onto it, happiness was impossible.
Hoping it would be different the next time, didn't mean it ever would be. There were no more [I]next[/I] times left. She had Dan now and she was not going to give him up.
Max finally pulled the Cherokee off the highway. It bumped over rocks and debris as they rolled to a stop. Liz realized that they were in the middle of nowhere, which was supremely ironic, because it represented exactly where the future of their relationship was headed.
She knew it, had known it from the moment she had first laid eyes on him. Too much time had passed, too much stood between them. Dan, Ben, even Tess still.
Her anger stood between them. Anger that she hadn't even realized she felt. Because she had lied to Isabel when she had told Max's sister that she had forgiven him. She had in no way forgiven him.
He had left her all alone, when all she had ever wanted was to be with him. After all that she had done for him. And that could never be taken back.
Max turned the key in the ignition, shutting off the engine. Without even that low noise, the silence became suffocating. Liz knew that she had to speak, and yet the words would not come.
It was Max who finally said, "I really missed the desert at night. You can actually see the sky. On Antar, there's nowhere to escape, nowhere to just look at the stars," he commented quietly, looking out the front windshield at the star-pocked sky. He turned to look at her, his eyes unreadable in the darkened interior of the car. He hadn't turned the headlights off, so they weren't sitting in complete darkness, but it was close enough. "Do you want to get out?"
"Yes." Liz replied, quickly turning and opening the passenger door. It was entirely too small a space to do what had to be done. His close proximity was too distracting, the scent of him filling her with doubts about whether what she was about to do was the right thing. If his very [I]smell[/I] made her want to forget everything, or at least kiss him until she did, then Dan had been a fool to let her do this.
But Dan trusted her. She would not disappoint the one person she had always been able to depend on. No, he was not exciting; yes, he could be a tad pompous, but he [I]loved[/I] her. He loved her enough. Who cared if her entire soul screamed that she was making a mistake, that she knew that she was giving up the chance to fix everything that had been wrong in her life since the day Max had left?
He had [I]never[/I] loved her enough. And they both had to pay the price of it.
They met at the front of the car. The headlights were still on, cutting through the black night, illuminating rocks and scrub, accentuating the dark emptiness that surrounded them.
"What did you want to say Liz?" Max finally asked, when the silence seemed to stretch on interminably. "I have things to say too, but I'm not going to say them until you say what you have to say."
"Very kind of you." She muttered, despite herself. He didn't speak, just flinched and it annoyed her how she instantly felt bad. She forged ahead anyway. "I want to know why Max. Why you didn't want me to know you were back? Didn't I at least deserve to know that you were alive? Because I hadn't stopped worrying about you, you know. " She didn't confess that she had always known that he still lived - that their connection had never been broken on that level. He didn't need to know it and it would only confuse matters.
There was a long pause. "I did want you to know." He sighed heavily, thrust his hands into the pockets of his jacket, leaned back wearily against the hood of the car. "I was an idiot. But I didn't want to disrupt your life - not if you had moved on."
Liz frowned at this. "Did you actually think I wouldn't have moved on?" She felt a spurt of anger, let it run through her, nursed it in fact. It would give her the strength to do what had to be done. "How pathetic was I before you left anyway - that you would actually think that? It's been eight years Max!"
"This is coming out all wrong." Max said quietly. "You weren't pathetic Liz. It was just a hope of mine, that's all." Liz could tell that he wanted to say something else, waited for it before replying. "You once told me that you knew what it was like to be without me and that you would do anything to be with me. I guess, I just thought that maybe..."
"I would wait for the rest of my life?" She laughed, a little annoyed at how bitter she sounded. "I was eighteen years old Max. I was naïve and stupid and I was willing to do anything, say anything, to hold onto you. And you were willing to let me."
"And it was unfair." Max added. "I know it. I knew it then even. But I was so out of control in those days - so desperate. I can't even think of an excuse Liz, so I won't even try. I want you to know how sorry I am and that I really regret [I]ever[/I] getting you involved in that whole quest."
"It was my idea." Liz admitted, because it was only the truth. "But that isn't the point. The point is that it was [I]our[/I] quest and you abandoned me."
"[I]Our[/I] quest? Liz, can you really tell me that you ever [I]wanted[/I] me to find my son?" Max demanded. "Please be honest here. I know that you helped me, did your best, and I loved you for it, but he represented everything that went wrong in our relationship."
"And he doesn't now?" Liz retorted, instantly regretting it. Ben's face loomed in her mind. He was an innocent, did not deserve to have any of her anger at his father directed towards him. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."
"It's all right." Max replied. "You have every right to be angry. And things with Ben...they're complicated."
"I'm glad you found him." Liz told him grudgingly. Because she was. "I think I recognized him the minute I saw him." She admitted. "He reminded me of you."
"Did he?" Max asked, sounding pleased. "I think he looks more like Tess."
"Well, of course he doesn't [I]look[/I] like you." Liz smiled despite herself, "But there was something really familiar about him."
There was a long moment of silence. "I'm not surprised you think so. Liz, there's something I should..."
But she didn't let him finish. Things were getting entirely too comfortable here. It was time to tell him what she had brought him out here to tell him. "Listen Max, I really am glad that you're back, and that's mainly why I wanted to talk to you alone. To tell you so. But I need you to understand, I have a life, one that doesn't include you."
"I know Liz." Max told her patiently. "Which is [I]why[/I] I didn't tell you I was back."
Liz felt a flush beginning to climb her neck, onto her face. He was right of course. If she didn't want him in her life, then why was she so mad that he hadn't told her he was back? "That's beside the point." She replied weakly. "The point is, I'm engaged, but that doesn't mean that I'm not glad that you're safe. I just needed to make clear to you that what we had is over."
"Okay."
He said it so easily, it made Liz frown despite herself. "That's all you have to say?" She demanded. "Okay?" She could have kicked herself the minute the words came out of her mouth. Did she have no self-control where he was concerned? It was ludicrous. She had forgotten how easily he got to her, how she had the tendency to just blurt things out to him - it was one of the reasons she had originally loved him. After the first time they had connected, she had felt like she could say [I]anything[/I] to him. It was why it had been so hard to keep the whole Future Max thing from him too. Lying to Max went completely against her nature.
But she had to learn how to control her tongue in his presence. Because if she kept saying exactly what was in her heart, he would know that maybe her decision to move on wasn't quite as final as she wanted it to be.
"I told you. I'm not going to interfere in your life." Max shrugged now. "You know what I want, what I hoped for when I came back here, and if you don't want it, well, I'm not going to force my attentions on you." He frowned slightly. "If Dan's what you want, well, I'm not going to stop you."
Liz scowled at him. Had there been a veiled insult of her fiancé in that comment? And why did it make her heart beat faster. Damn him! Why did he always do this to her? She had forgotten how easily he could get under her skin with one cryptic comment. "What is [I]that[/I] supposed to mean?"
"Nothing. I'm sure he's a perfectly [I]nice[/I] man." Max replied innocently. "And successful." He added. "That's important." But the tone of his voice made it sound superficial. She [I]heard[/I] disdain there.
"I'm so [I]sure[/I] you think so, having met him for a grand total of two minutes." Liz snapped. "And I certainly don't care what his job is! I would love him even if he was poor and a bum. I loved you didn't I and you practically squatted at Michael's in your last few months here!"
She regretted those words the minute they came out of her mouth too. How could he so easily make her be so mean to him and then feel bad about it? It wasn't fair. She couldn't seem to control her emotions where he was concerned. It was why she loved Dan so much. He never made her behave this way. She always knew where she stood with him, he never made her so mad, she practically wanted to punch him.
Of course, he had never made her love him so much she was willing to give up her entire planet for him either, nor would she have been willing to follow him to the ends of the universe. With Max, that had once been a distinct possibility.
Max did not reply, just looked away.
"I don't want to talk about Dan." Liz finally said, breaking the gaping silence that had sprung up between them again. "You said that I knew what you wanted Max, but I really have no idea what you expect from me! I need us to be clear exactly where things stand."
Max continued to stare off across the desert, his expression now veiled. But she could still read his eyes as easily as she could the first time she had ever connected with him. He was sad.
"I want us to be friends I guess." Max sighed. "But I'll understand if it's impossible."
"Max, please. Do you really think we can [I] ever [/I] be just friends?" Liz collapsed against the hood beside him. "There's just no way. It was always a disaster."
"I know. But, if you're moving back to Boston anyway, we'll only see each other once a year, if that." Max shrugged. "But, as I said, I don't want to interfere. Dan probably won't like it if his reaction to seeing me tonight is any indication."
Liz looked at him in surprise. "What? What did he do?"
"If he could have murdered me with his bare hands Liz, I think he would have." Max half-grinned at her. "I don't blame him. I wouldn't want to risk losing you either...if I had you."
"Those words are pretty funny coming from you Max." Liz shook her head. "You gave me up. You're the one who left me behind. I was willing to follow you anywhere."
"I know." He repeated. His next comment so shocked Liz, she stared at him in disbelief, hurt despite herself. "And I've never regretted leaving you behind."
"Oh." Could he be any more confusing? First he basically told her that he came back to Earth for her, and now he was telling her that he did not regret leaving her behind.
Max seemed to hear the shock in her voice, because he quickly added. "But not for the reason you think. I never would have put you in that much danger."
She felt her heart soften. How did he always know exactly what to say? He had the most silver tongue Liz had ever encountered. But she forced herself to ignore that, focused on the meaning of what he had said,
He had been in danger. She had known it, but had not wanted to really accept the miracle that he had survived whatever it was that he had survived on Antar. Because recognizing the miracle would make her question whether she even had the right to deny him.
He [I]had[/I] come back to her after all. Despite everything, this she knew. And, she realized, she needed to know exactly what that meant.
Liz swallowed, unsure if she wanted to ask, but knowing that she had to know what he had been through - what he had suffered to get back the child who meant everything to him. The child that had come between them. Ben, who Liz already felt such a connection too, it was almost worth it to have given up Max to ensure his safety.
"Was it very bad then?" She whispered, reaching out despite herself and putting her hand on his arm. She felt the muscle of his forearm contract under her touch, quickly pulled back. Max seemed not to notice, but Liz saw his eyes follow her hand longingly.
Oh no. How could the atmosphere change between them that quickly? How did this always happen? The air was charged with something she didn't even want to begin to analyze...
But Max seemed to know this because he spoke, broke the moment.
"It was hell." There was a long pause. "Antar is not a pleasant place Liz. It still isn't, even though it's ten million times better now than it was when I first got there."
"What happened?" He was so quiet, she added, "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."
"It's not that I don't want to Liz. I've always wanted to tell you everything. It's just that..." He turned to look at her. "You have to promise me that you won't tell Isabel and Michael. They can't ever know what happened there."
Liz stared at him. The tone of his voice, it sent a shiver of dread down her spine. "I promise. But why?"
"Because they can't know what we're capable of. They just really can't." Liz saw Max swallow, hard. "I had to do things there...things I never would have been able to even imagine doing when I was here - even in the worse days with the FBI and the Skins."
"Like what?" She let her hand return to his arm, wanting to comfort him, even though she knew she shouldn't do it. The haunted look in his eyes, the fact that it was always there, that she had [I]seen[/I] it, even in her dreams... She could not let him deal with whatever it was that was tormenting him alone. Not Max. "Tell me." She insisted.
His voice shook as he said, "I don't want you to hate me."
"I don't hate you Max. I'm mad as hell at you still, but you have to know that I don't hate you." Liz knew it was true, couldn't believe she was admitting it to him. It was dangerous to tell him this. It would give him hope, but something had irrevocably changed between them in the last few minutes, despite her best intentions.
She had told him that they could never be friends, but the irony was, they could never [I]not[/I] be friends. They had [I]always[/I] been friends - from before he had even saved her life. But when he had laid his hands on her that first time, disintegrating the bullet that had almost ended her life, patching a bullet hole that would have killed her, they had bonded in a way that could never be broken.
"I could never hate you." She whispered. And she couldn't, just like he had never hated her, even after the Future Max fiasco, the Kyle debacle, after everything.
"Tell me." She repeated.
He sighed heavily, began. "You have to understand what it was like there Liz. It was complete anarchy. Khivar supposedly sat on the throne, but he had no power, other than what he managed to wrangle through terror."
"I remember you told me that after the New York summit." Liz told him. "It was the reason they wanted you back with the dupes - because he could not bring peace to the planet or the star system." She couldn't believe she was talking about interstellar politics so casually. It was absurd, and yet, everything associated with Max had always been strange.
Strange, yes, but weirdly exhilarating as well. Max had once asked her "What was so great about normal?" and she could not deny that half of his appeal had always been that he was so exotic, so different, and, yet, he wanted [I]her[/I] the most boring and ordinary of girls.
"Right. Well, surprisingly, that was true." Max paused. "Something else was true too. Larek told me at the summit that I was a dreamer when I was Zan, that I had tried to change things too quickly. Apparently, I had been in the process of dissolving the monarchy when Khivar killed us all the first time around. I was trying to found some kind of democratic system I guess. Most regular Antarians wanted it, except for the leaders of the other four planets, of course." He shook his head wryly. "It's why they let Khivar usurp me in the first place. They didn't want [I]their[/I] planets to insist on democracy if Antar succeeded."
"Okay?" Liz frowned. "So, having you back, the process started again?"
"Not really. I wasn't interested in the politics of Antar. I really did not care. All I wanted was to find my son and come home. Back to Earth." Max admitted. "I got pulled into it despite myself, because of what was going on with Ben."
"What?" Liz asked quietly.
"Khivar set him up as a puppet, hoping that the people would let him rule through Zan's son. Tess even married Khivar."
"Did it work?" Liz grimaced to herself at the image of Tess sacrificing her own child because of her ambition.
"Not at all. In fact, unrest became even worse, because the planet could not tolerate that one of the Royal Four had turned. They wanted us all back and they wanted things back the way that had been before." Max shook his head. "The majority was not ready for democracy - then. They weren't ready for the struggle that was necessary to make it happen. Zan was blind to what his people wanted though - it was why they originally didn't really stop Khivar. It was only when things were a million times worse [I]under[/I] him that they began to regret rejecting Zan's ideals out of hand. Democracy was a lot more appealing than a government that was the equivalent of fascism on this planet. The democratic movement - under a different name of course, I'm just using Earth terms to make this easier to understand - was in full swing when I finally came out from underground. "
"What happened?" Liz licked her lips, her eyes wide.
"I was trying to get to Ben this whole time, because the rebels were winning, which put him in extreme danger, but I couldn't get anywhere near him. Khivar's people knew I was on the planet. Langley went over to their side the minute we landed." Max shook his head. "He hated me [I]that[/I] much, for destroying his life here. I don't blame him actually. I was an arrogant fool - in both lives apparently."
"But I don't understand Max. If you were so arrogant, as Zan even, why did you want to give up your throne, bring democracy to the planet?"
Max quirked a grin at her. "You're never going to believe this."
Liz stared at him. Why did he suddenly look so amused? She had thought that this was serious, horrible. And it sounded that way. But she recognized that his smile was not amused, so much as self-mocking. She frowned. "Why?"
"Because of a girl."
The silence was uncomfortable. She could feel the tension coming off of him in waves but she refused to say anything until they had reached wherever it was he was taking her.
She wanted to see his face when she told him what needed to be said. She needed to know that he truly [I]heard[/I] her. Because she refused to fall back into the cycle of pain and grief their entire relationship had entailed - from the very beginning.
Her life was not perfect by any means, but she was content. If she could marry Dan, find a job that completed her as teaching did Isabel or singing did Maria, well, then she would be happy.
But first she needed to end the dream that was Max Evans. Because the dream had never really been a dream at all, but a nightmare. And, yet, still she held onto it. And as long as she held onto it, happiness was impossible.
Hoping it would be different the next time, didn't mean it ever would be. There were no more [I]next[/I] times left. She had Dan now and she was not going to give him up.
Max finally pulled the Cherokee off the highway. It bumped over rocks and debris as they rolled to a stop. Liz realized that they were in the middle of nowhere, which was supremely ironic, because it represented exactly where the future of their relationship was headed.
She knew it, had known it from the moment she had first laid eyes on him. Too much time had passed, too much stood between them. Dan, Ben, even Tess still.
Her anger stood between them. Anger that she hadn't even realized she felt. Because she had lied to Isabel when she had told Max's sister that she had forgiven him. She had in no way forgiven him.
He had left her all alone, when all she had ever wanted was to be with him. After all that she had done for him. And that could never be taken back.
Max turned the key in the ignition, shutting off the engine. Without even that low noise, the silence became suffocating. Liz knew that she had to speak, and yet the words would not come.
It was Max who finally said, "I really missed the desert at night. You can actually see the sky. On Antar, there's nowhere to escape, nowhere to just look at the stars," he commented quietly, looking out the front windshield at the star-pocked sky. He turned to look at her, his eyes unreadable in the darkened interior of the car. He hadn't turned the headlights off, so they weren't sitting in complete darkness, but it was close enough. "Do you want to get out?"
"Yes." Liz replied, quickly turning and opening the passenger door. It was entirely too small a space to do what had to be done. His close proximity was too distracting, the scent of him filling her with doubts about whether what she was about to do was the right thing. If his very [I]smell[/I] made her want to forget everything, or at least kiss him until she did, then Dan had been a fool to let her do this.
But Dan trusted her. She would not disappoint the one person she had always been able to depend on. No, he was not exciting; yes, he could be a tad pompous, but he [I]loved[/I] her. He loved her enough. Who cared if her entire soul screamed that she was making a mistake, that she knew that she was giving up the chance to fix everything that had been wrong in her life since the day Max had left?
He had [I]never[/I] loved her enough. And they both had to pay the price of it.
They met at the front of the car. The headlights were still on, cutting through the black night, illuminating rocks and scrub, accentuating the dark emptiness that surrounded them.
"What did you want to say Liz?" Max finally asked, when the silence seemed to stretch on interminably. "I have things to say too, but I'm not going to say them until you say what you have to say."
"Very kind of you." She muttered, despite herself. He didn't speak, just flinched and it annoyed her how she instantly felt bad. She forged ahead anyway. "I want to know why Max. Why you didn't want me to know you were back? Didn't I at least deserve to know that you were alive? Because I hadn't stopped worrying about you, you know. " She didn't confess that she had always known that he still lived - that their connection had never been broken on that level. He didn't need to know it and it would only confuse matters.
There was a long pause. "I did want you to know." He sighed heavily, thrust his hands into the pockets of his jacket, leaned back wearily against the hood of the car. "I was an idiot. But I didn't want to disrupt your life - not if you had moved on."
Liz frowned at this. "Did you actually think I wouldn't have moved on?" She felt a spurt of anger, let it run through her, nursed it in fact. It would give her the strength to do what had to be done. "How pathetic was I before you left anyway - that you would actually think that? It's been eight years Max!"
"This is coming out all wrong." Max said quietly. "You weren't pathetic Liz. It was just a hope of mine, that's all." Liz could tell that he wanted to say something else, waited for it before replying. "You once told me that you knew what it was like to be without me and that you would do anything to be with me. I guess, I just thought that maybe..."
"I would wait for the rest of my life?" She laughed, a little annoyed at how bitter she sounded. "I was eighteen years old Max. I was naïve and stupid and I was willing to do anything, say anything, to hold onto you. And you were willing to let me."
"And it was unfair." Max added. "I know it. I knew it then even. But I was so out of control in those days - so desperate. I can't even think of an excuse Liz, so I won't even try. I want you to know how sorry I am and that I really regret [I]ever[/I] getting you involved in that whole quest."
"It was my idea." Liz admitted, because it was only the truth. "But that isn't the point. The point is that it was [I]our[/I] quest and you abandoned me."
"[I]Our[/I] quest? Liz, can you really tell me that you ever [I]wanted[/I] me to find my son?" Max demanded. "Please be honest here. I know that you helped me, did your best, and I loved you for it, but he represented everything that went wrong in our relationship."
"And he doesn't now?" Liz retorted, instantly regretting it. Ben's face loomed in her mind. He was an innocent, did not deserve to have any of her anger at his father directed towards him. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."
"It's all right." Max replied. "You have every right to be angry. And things with Ben...they're complicated."
"I'm glad you found him." Liz told him grudgingly. Because she was. "I think I recognized him the minute I saw him." She admitted. "He reminded me of you."
"Did he?" Max asked, sounding pleased. "I think he looks more like Tess."
"Well, of course he doesn't [I]look[/I] like you." Liz smiled despite herself, "But there was something really familiar about him."
There was a long moment of silence. "I'm not surprised you think so. Liz, there's something I should..."
But she didn't let him finish. Things were getting entirely too comfortable here. It was time to tell him what she had brought him out here to tell him. "Listen Max, I really am glad that you're back, and that's mainly why I wanted to talk to you alone. To tell you so. But I need you to understand, I have a life, one that doesn't include you."
"I know Liz." Max told her patiently. "Which is [I]why[/I] I didn't tell you I was back."
Liz felt a flush beginning to climb her neck, onto her face. He was right of course. If she didn't want him in her life, then why was she so mad that he hadn't told her he was back? "That's beside the point." She replied weakly. "The point is, I'm engaged, but that doesn't mean that I'm not glad that you're safe. I just needed to make clear to you that what we had is over."
"Okay."
He said it so easily, it made Liz frown despite herself. "That's all you have to say?" She demanded. "Okay?" She could have kicked herself the minute the words came out of her mouth. Did she have no self-control where he was concerned? It was ludicrous. She had forgotten how easily he got to her, how she had the tendency to just blurt things out to him - it was one of the reasons she had originally loved him. After the first time they had connected, she had felt like she could say [I]anything[/I] to him. It was why it had been so hard to keep the whole Future Max thing from him too. Lying to Max went completely against her nature.
But she had to learn how to control her tongue in his presence. Because if she kept saying exactly what was in her heart, he would know that maybe her decision to move on wasn't quite as final as she wanted it to be.
"I told you. I'm not going to interfere in your life." Max shrugged now. "You know what I want, what I hoped for when I came back here, and if you don't want it, well, I'm not going to force my attentions on you." He frowned slightly. "If Dan's what you want, well, I'm not going to stop you."
Liz scowled at him. Had there been a veiled insult of her fiancé in that comment? And why did it make her heart beat faster. Damn him! Why did he always do this to her? She had forgotten how easily he could get under her skin with one cryptic comment. "What is [I]that[/I] supposed to mean?"
"Nothing. I'm sure he's a perfectly [I]nice[/I] man." Max replied innocently. "And successful." He added. "That's important." But the tone of his voice made it sound superficial. She [I]heard[/I] disdain there.
"I'm so [I]sure[/I] you think so, having met him for a grand total of two minutes." Liz snapped. "And I certainly don't care what his job is! I would love him even if he was poor and a bum. I loved you didn't I and you practically squatted at Michael's in your last few months here!"
She regretted those words the minute they came out of her mouth too. How could he so easily make her be so mean to him and then feel bad about it? It wasn't fair. She couldn't seem to control her emotions where he was concerned. It was why she loved Dan so much. He never made her behave this way. She always knew where she stood with him, he never made her so mad, she practically wanted to punch him.
Of course, he had never made her love him so much she was willing to give up her entire planet for him either, nor would she have been willing to follow him to the ends of the universe. With Max, that had once been a distinct possibility.
Max did not reply, just looked away.
"I don't want to talk about Dan." Liz finally said, breaking the gaping silence that had sprung up between them again. "You said that I knew what you wanted Max, but I really have no idea what you expect from me! I need us to be clear exactly where things stand."
Max continued to stare off across the desert, his expression now veiled. But she could still read his eyes as easily as she could the first time she had ever connected with him. He was sad.
"I want us to be friends I guess." Max sighed. "But I'll understand if it's impossible."
"Max, please. Do you really think we can [I] ever [/I] be just friends?" Liz collapsed against the hood beside him. "There's just no way. It was always a disaster."
"I know. But, if you're moving back to Boston anyway, we'll only see each other once a year, if that." Max shrugged. "But, as I said, I don't want to interfere. Dan probably won't like it if his reaction to seeing me tonight is any indication."
Liz looked at him in surprise. "What? What did he do?"
"If he could have murdered me with his bare hands Liz, I think he would have." Max half-grinned at her. "I don't blame him. I wouldn't want to risk losing you either...if I had you."
"Those words are pretty funny coming from you Max." Liz shook her head. "You gave me up. You're the one who left me behind. I was willing to follow you anywhere."
"I know." He repeated. His next comment so shocked Liz, she stared at him in disbelief, hurt despite herself. "And I've never regretted leaving you behind."
"Oh." Could he be any more confusing? First he basically told her that he came back to Earth for her, and now he was telling her that he did not regret leaving her behind.
Max seemed to hear the shock in her voice, because he quickly added. "But not for the reason you think. I never would have put you in that much danger."
She felt her heart soften. How did he always know exactly what to say? He had the most silver tongue Liz had ever encountered. But she forced herself to ignore that, focused on the meaning of what he had said,
He had been in danger. She had known it, but had not wanted to really accept the miracle that he had survived whatever it was that he had survived on Antar. Because recognizing the miracle would make her question whether she even had the right to deny him.
He [I]had[/I] come back to her after all. Despite everything, this she knew. And, she realized, she needed to know exactly what that meant.
Liz swallowed, unsure if she wanted to ask, but knowing that she had to know what he had been through - what he had suffered to get back the child who meant everything to him. The child that had come between them. Ben, who Liz already felt such a connection too, it was almost worth it to have given up Max to ensure his safety.
"Was it very bad then?" She whispered, reaching out despite herself and putting her hand on his arm. She felt the muscle of his forearm contract under her touch, quickly pulled back. Max seemed not to notice, but Liz saw his eyes follow her hand longingly.
Oh no. How could the atmosphere change between them that quickly? How did this always happen? The air was charged with something she didn't even want to begin to analyze...
But Max seemed to know this because he spoke, broke the moment.
"It was hell." There was a long pause. "Antar is not a pleasant place Liz. It still isn't, even though it's ten million times better now than it was when I first got there."
"What happened?" He was so quiet, she added, "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."
"It's not that I don't want to Liz. I've always wanted to tell you everything. It's just that..." He turned to look at her. "You have to promise me that you won't tell Isabel and Michael. They can't ever know what happened there."
Liz stared at him. The tone of his voice, it sent a shiver of dread down her spine. "I promise. But why?"
"Because they can't know what we're capable of. They just really can't." Liz saw Max swallow, hard. "I had to do things there...things I never would have been able to even imagine doing when I was here - even in the worse days with the FBI and the Skins."
"Like what?" She let her hand return to his arm, wanting to comfort him, even though she knew she shouldn't do it. The haunted look in his eyes, the fact that it was always there, that she had [I]seen[/I] it, even in her dreams... She could not let him deal with whatever it was that was tormenting him alone. Not Max. "Tell me." She insisted.
His voice shook as he said, "I don't want you to hate me."
"I don't hate you Max. I'm mad as hell at you still, but you have to know that I don't hate you." Liz knew it was true, couldn't believe she was admitting it to him. It was dangerous to tell him this. It would give him hope, but something had irrevocably changed between them in the last few minutes, despite her best intentions.
She had told him that they could never be friends, but the irony was, they could never [I]not[/I] be friends. They had [I]always[/I] been friends - from before he had even saved her life. But when he had laid his hands on her that first time, disintegrating the bullet that had almost ended her life, patching a bullet hole that would have killed her, they had bonded in a way that could never be broken.
"I could never hate you." She whispered. And she couldn't, just like he had never hated her, even after the Future Max fiasco, the Kyle debacle, after everything.
"Tell me." She repeated.
He sighed heavily, began. "You have to understand what it was like there Liz. It was complete anarchy. Khivar supposedly sat on the throne, but he had no power, other than what he managed to wrangle through terror."
"I remember you told me that after the New York summit." Liz told him. "It was the reason they wanted you back with the dupes - because he could not bring peace to the planet or the star system." She couldn't believe she was talking about interstellar politics so casually. It was absurd, and yet, everything associated with Max had always been strange.
Strange, yes, but weirdly exhilarating as well. Max had once asked her "What was so great about normal?" and she could not deny that half of his appeal had always been that he was so exotic, so different, and, yet, he wanted [I]her[/I] the most boring and ordinary of girls.
"Right. Well, surprisingly, that was true." Max paused. "Something else was true too. Larek told me at the summit that I was a dreamer when I was Zan, that I had tried to change things too quickly. Apparently, I had been in the process of dissolving the monarchy when Khivar killed us all the first time around. I was trying to found some kind of democratic system I guess. Most regular Antarians wanted it, except for the leaders of the other four planets, of course." He shook his head wryly. "It's why they let Khivar usurp me in the first place. They didn't want [I]their[/I] planets to insist on democracy if Antar succeeded."
"Okay?" Liz frowned. "So, having you back, the process started again?"
"Not really. I wasn't interested in the politics of Antar. I really did not care. All I wanted was to find my son and come home. Back to Earth." Max admitted. "I got pulled into it despite myself, because of what was going on with Ben."
"What?" Liz asked quietly.
"Khivar set him up as a puppet, hoping that the people would let him rule through Zan's son. Tess even married Khivar."
"Did it work?" Liz grimaced to herself at the image of Tess sacrificing her own child because of her ambition.
"Not at all. In fact, unrest became even worse, because the planet could not tolerate that one of the Royal Four had turned. They wanted us all back and they wanted things back the way that had been before." Max shook his head. "The majority was not ready for democracy - then. They weren't ready for the struggle that was necessary to make it happen. Zan was blind to what his people wanted though - it was why they originally didn't really stop Khivar. It was only when things were a million times worse [I]under[/I] him that they began to regret rejecting Zan's ideals out of hand. Democracy was a lot more appealing than a government that was the equivalent of fascism on this planet. The democratic movement - under a different name of course, I'm just using Earth terms to make this easier to understand - was in full swing when I finally came out from underground. "
"What happened?" Liz licked her lips, her eyes wide.
"I was trying to get to Ben this whole time, because the rebels were winning, which put him in extreme danger, but I couldn't get anywhere near him. Khivar's people knew I was on the planet. Langley went over to their side the minute we landed." Max shook his head. "He hated me [I]that[/I] much, for destroying his life here. I don't blame him actually. I was an arrogant fool - in both lives apparently."
"But I don't understand Max. If you were so arrogant, as Zan even, why did you want to give up your throne, bring democracy to the planet?"
Max quirked a grin at her. "You're never going to believe this."
Liz stared at him. Why did he suddenly look so amused? She had thought that this was serious, horrible. And it sounded that way. But she recognized that his smile was not amused, so much as self-mocking. She frowned. "Why?"
"Because of a girl."