Part 11
Max watched Liz's face as she absorbed this latest bombshell. She frowned slightly, as though she was trying to understand what this meant.
"Ava?" She finally whispered, sounding sad. "I guess your memories of her were right. You must have really loved her - to want to give up the throne."
Max smiled slightly. He couldn't help it. The truth was so obvious to him, had been from the first time he had heard about Kadiya, but he was not surprised that Liz wouldn't recognize it.
She didn't know about Antar after all, did not know what he had learned about the way that Antarians mated, bonded. She [I]was[/I] human.
In this life anyway.
"Not Ava." Max told her. She blinked.
"Really? Then who?" She sounded interested again, and slightly put out if Max was not mistaken. Ava she was willing to understand. Liz had always accepted that Tess/Ava was the one he was supposed to be with. But hearing that there was yet [I]another[/I]...She was not happy about it. He felt another little flash of hope, like the ones that had been hitting him every so often whenever she slipped. Because she had slipped [I]a lot[/I] during their conversation.
Liz was not ambivalent to him. And, if he was not mistaken, she was a little jealous now.
Well, she didn't know. And he didn't know if he should tell her. It might just upset her even more. He had promised her that he was not going to try and convince her to leave Dan, and he wouldn't.
Because he knew that if he told her the truth - the truth about so many things - she would seriously feel compelled to rethink that decision. He didn't know if he could ask her to do that, even though he wanted to more than he wanted anything in this or any other world.
Telling her...it would be the height of selfishness. He was [I]good[/I] at being selfish, always had been, as Zan [I]and[/I] as Max. But he couldn't be selfish about this. Not when it meant disrupting her entire life.
Liz was still staring at him, her arms folded, clearly impatient to hear the rest of his story.
"Her name was Kadiya." He told her quietly. "He met her at a party. From the first moment he laid eyes on her he knew she was the one for him."
He had always known it - even in [I]this[/I] life, before he remembered her.
Because when he had found out about her - about Kadi - he had remembered. He had remembered seeing her on Dimitras rock, standing with her mistress, Ava, noticing [I]him[/I] at the exact same moment he had noticed her. He had remembered that everything Larek had told him about Ava at the Museum the night had had first remembered who he thought was Ava, had actually been about [I]Kadiya[/I] - that Larek had made that same mistake that night, at the party.
Max had even remembered his horror when Larek had introduced him to Ava, as though it was [I]she[/I] he had wanted to see, wanted to fall to his knees in front of, wanted to beg to marry him. Because the future king could not have fallen instantly in love with a servant girl. Not even a future king as peculiar and unhappy as Zan had been.
It just could not happen.
But it had. And he had been willing to change the entire governmental structure of his planet so that he could be with her.
Few on Antar had known about Kadiya, not even Larek, not after that original mistake had been made. They all just thought he was going crazy with all the talk of ending the monarchy, of bringing equality to the planet. And he had told almost no one - not even Vilandra. He had worried that if they knew, they would kill her, take her away, do [I]something[/I] to her to stop him from doing what he knew had to be done to save his soul and, in the long run, his planet.
Max refocused on Liz, who was speaking. "But Zan ended up with Ava," she said. When Max nodded, she sighed heavily, sounding disappointed, like she wanted him to have been with the one he loved, even if only in that past life that she was positive she had not been a part of. "How?"
"It was a huge disaster. Kadi was not of the Blood, being a servant. The social hierarchy in the system was strict. He couldn't be with her. And everyone seemed to think that it was Ava he wanted." Max shook his head, rolling his eyes. "Obedience to duty was demanded of everyone in Antarian society, even the king. Ava was suitable and so Zan was supposed to love [I]her[/I]. But he didn't."
"What happened?" Liz's dark eyes were wide, pained, as though this was all bringing back memories she would rather forget. Memories like hearing in the pod chamber that he was destined for someone else, memories of finding out that being with him would end the world, memories of learning that he had impregnated someone else, that he had not saved himself for her.
"His sister, Vilandra, tried to stop him. Because she found out about Kadiya."
"Isabel?" Liz asked. "But why?"
Max shook his head ruefully. "Zan might have been willing to give up the throne, but he had a hard time with [I]not[/I] playing king. It was the position he was raised for after all." When Liz shook her head, not understanding, he continued. "Vilandra was betrothed to Rath - Michael - one of Zan's best friends and his most trusted general. It was an [I]extremely[/I] important alliance for Zan - not only because of his love for Rath, but also because Rath was willing to support the abolishment of the monarchy - because he knew about Kadi, understood about her. Rath was in love with Vilandra, you see, but Lonnie didn't love him. She was madly infatuated with Khivar, Rath's brother. She begged Zan to break off the engagement, but Zan refused to hurt Rath that way, especially because he didn't trust Khivar, rightly I might add. But, I'm ashamed to say though, it was mainly because he didn't want to give up the alliance the marriage would bring about. Because it was one step closer to getting what he wanted."
"So she helped Khivar overthrow you?" Liz sounded incredulous. "I can't imagine Isabel [I]ever[/I] doing that!"
"She was driven to it Liz." Max explained. He searched for a way to make her understand what it had been like for his sister. Max was still trying to deal with it himself, what he had done to her in that past life of his, but he wanted Liz to know - needed for her to know. If only to absolve himself a little bit. "Do you remember the way Izzy and I were towards each other right after Alex died?" He saw Liz flinch at the mention of Alex, closed his eyes briefly as a spasm of guilt ran through him. The guilt about Alex was still as fresh as it had been the day he had first learned the truth about Tess.
"I remember." Liz finally managed to say. "She wanted to go away to school and you wouldn't let her."
"You also remember the way I ordered [I]you[/I] around then?" Max continued, not willing for her to forget it. He had been an ass, deserved every shred of guilt it still invoked in him. "Well, imagine [I]that[/I] doubled, tripled. In his efforts to protect Rath, Zan drove Vilandra straight into the enemy camp. Khivar made sure she found out about Kadiya -[I]he[/I] knew because Rath trusted his brother with the story, not knowing that he was a traitor. Lonnie found out that Zan was going to democratize the planet for [I]his[/I] love - and she lost it. She literally went insane with rage that he would force her into a marriage against her will and yet betray everything they had been raised to be because of [I]his[/I] love."
"Good Lord." Liz breathed. Max could see she was imagining what it must have been like. "And so she helped Khivar."
"She didn't know what he was. Even Zan wasn't sure until the very end or he might still have been able to stop him. But Khivar arranged it so Ava caught Zan and Kadiya together. He also leaked news of Zan's intentions regarding the throne to the leaders of the other planets, which brought him their support, at least until he killed Zan."
"What happened to Vilandra and the others?" Max tried to ignore her hand, which had found it's way onto his arm again. Liz had not changed at all it seemed. She was still tuned in to the pain of those around her, felt his over what had transpired in his family, his guilt that [I]he[/I] had been responsible for it all. She wanted to comfort him, even if she knew it was dangerous.
And she had to know it was. If she was feeling even half what he was feeling in her presence, touching him was [I]not[/I] safe.
His voice caught momentarily in his throat as he tried to speak. His entire attention was focused on her hand, reflecting on how annoying it was that he had not only his jacket between her fingers and his skin, but his damn shirt as well. He cleared it, felt heat beginning to rise into his face, not from embarrassment but, rather, from the attempt not to grab her hand and pull her into his arms.
How could one small hand do this? It was crazy.
It's Liz, a small voice in the back of his mind reminded him. It's not crazy. It's only natural.
It was natural, but [I]also[/I] dangerous. He might be willing to put her desires first, but he was [I]not[/I] a machine. If there was one thing he had learned on Antar, it was that he [I]was[/I] human, almost completely. He could only take so much.
Touching he could [I]not[/I] take.
He tried to appear casual as he pulled away, walked towards the darkness on the edge of the light thrown by the headlights. He recited it stonily, as though it had happened to strangers, not to himself and his nearest and dearest. "They all died. Vilandra let Khivar into the Palace with his army, thinking that he only meant to force Zan to let them marry, not knowing that he had the authority of the Council of Planets to usurp the throne. When she realized that her lover intended to kill her brother, she threw herself in front of Zan, took the death blow meant for him. Rath killed himself when he realized the dishonour his brother had brought to their family. And Ava killed Zan for dishonouring [I]her[/I]. Zan let her, having been told that Kadi had been killed too. It was Shakespearean in proportion. A literal blood bath." Max shook his head, not clearly remembering all of it, even after memory regression, but he did remember [I]feelings[/I]: his horror at what he had brought his sister to with his stubbornness, his grief at the loss of his best friend and closest ally, and his absolute devastation at the thought that his Kadiya had suffered at the hands of Khivar.
Liz's face was white. She had her hands clenched tightly at her sides. "That still doesn't explain what happened to Ava."
Max sighed. "The irony of the whole thing was that because it was [I]Ava[/I] who had technically killed Zan, they blamed the whole fiasco on her. She was executed for regicide, thus ending the saga of the Royal Four."
"But that wasn't the end Max. Someone saved you. They sent you here." Liz prodded.
"Larek - and our mother. " Max shrugged. "Larek was the only one who had not supported the overthrow, mainly out of personal loyalty to Zan. I met him on Antar." Max elaborated. "He is extremely proper and traditional. He knew about Kadi when he cloned us, the Council having told him to get him to support the usurpation, but he sent Ava to Earth, because he didn't believe it. He [I]still[/I] believed that Zan had been madly in love with Ava. Because hadn't he married her the exact day he had died?" Max whispered this last bit, felt the sadness he had known in that other life when all of his dreams had ended in that marriage.
But he had not been her mate. Not in the true sense. That honour had been solely reserved for Kadiya.
"God Max. It was just horrible." Liz's arms were around her middle, as though she was cold. He longed more than anything to reach out, pull her into his arms.
"It was." Max acknowledged. "But we got a second chance. And I almost screwed it up royally again this time too. No pun intended." He added when Liz stared at him.
"But you didn't." Liz replied. "Because you're here. You're still alive. And Khivar is dead."
"Yes, Khivar is dead." Max shuddered briefly, couldn't help it. He knew Liz noticed. "I killed him."
"You're safe here." Liz nodded resolutely. Max frowned slightly. It was almost as if she was trying to reassure herself of this fact.
"Yes. Is there a reason we might not be?" Max asked, reading something on Liz's face that made his stomach clench suddenly.
Liz grimaced slightly. "Max, I don't know whether I should tell you this or not..." She swallowed. "Okay, that's wrong. I [I]know[/I] I should, but I don't want you to freak out or anything. Plus, I should have told you when I first saw you and now I just feel like a heel about that too."
Max's feeling of unease increased. "Tell me. I trust your judgment Liz. If you think I should know, I probably should."
"Ben was almost hit by a car today." Liz blurted. Her expression was horribly guilty. Max barely registered this though. He felt like he had been punched in the solar plexus.
Ben. His son. The one person who would make him pull through, now that he knew for certain that Liz was lost to him for good.
His sole reason for living had almost been hit by a car.
"Get in." Max motioned towards the car. "We have to go home."
"If Khivar is dead, it has to have been an accident." Liz continued, once they were in the Cherokee and back on the highway. "Some drunk or something."
"Probably." Max agreed, still feeling tense. "You're sure that he was all right?"
"Yeah. A little freaked out, but I don't think he knew how close it was." Liz was staring out the front windshield, her expression blank. "Max, I am so sorry I didn't tell you before this. I don't know what I was thinking. But I was just so angry at you - and I knew he was safe with Michael - and it just slipped my mind." Her voice broke. Max glanced at her out of the corner of his eye. He realized that she was crying.
She was crying over his Ben. And she didn't even know the truth about him.
She would, but not until after her wedding. It was another secret that he had to keep so as not to disrupt her life. Knowing [I]after[/I] wouldn't change anything after all.
"Liz, it's okay. You told me now." He wasn't angry at her. He was more angry at himself - that he had been so irresponsible earlier today by sneaking off to Roswell to get a glimpse of Dan, by forgetting to get Michael to pick Ben up on time. He was a father - by his own choice. He damn well had to start acting like one.
Max reached out, patted Liz's knee awkwardly. He jerked his hand back when he felt her tense up instantly.
"Tell me about Dan." He said it to get her to stop crying, to take her mind off of her guilt, and also to try and ease his worry about Ben until he could actually [I]see[/I] that his son was fine with his own eyes, but the minute the words came out of his mouth he could have kicked himself. What the hell was he thinking? The last thing he wanted to hear about was Dan!
Max knew Liz was staring at him. "You can't be serious?" She finally managed to say.
"I am." Max gritted his teeth, forcing the words. "I need to know that he deserves you."
Although Max already knew that Dan didn't. At all.
Liz was quiet for several more moments, as though trying to process the fact that he [I]really[/I] expected her to talk about her fiancé. "Er, well, we met at Harvard." She started off slowly. "He was the TA in one of the classes I took."
"So he's older then." Max narrowed his eyes.
"He's thirty." Liz replied. "I wasn't looking to date [I]anyone[/I] when I went there. My entire life was focused on school, but we spent a lot of time together, and one thing led to another."
"You fell in love with him?" Max knew his nostrils were flaring and that he was clutching the steering wheel far too tightly. Why did he keep asking questions? Was he trying to torture himself?
But he knew the answer to that one. Of course he was. Better to torture himself about Liz than to worry about Ben. Not [I]much[/I] better, but better.
"Yes." Liz answered simply. "I could talk to him about anything. I never expected to find that again. Not after what happened with you. Not after how badly it ended." She finished quietly. "He was extremely patient. I mourned you for a long time Max."
He closed his eyes briefly, pain shooting right to his heart. "I'm sorry about that Liz." He finally said. "I'm glad you found someone. You deserve to be happy."
He hated Dan, yes. But if he truly made Liz happy, well, he would try and like him. It would be the absolute hardest thing he ever did, but he would try.
"I didn't think I ever could be again - not after you left. But I was." There was a long pause, and then, "Max?" He Her voice was small, wary.
"Yeah?"
"Can you tell me?"
"Tell you what?"
"How you could have left me - without even saying goodbye?"
Max's breath caught in his lungs. He had never expected her to ask such a thing, didn't think that she wanted to revisit the past at all - at least that's the impression he had gotten, with her constant insistence that nothing in the past mattered anymore. "I don't know how." He finally admitted.
Because, now, sitting here beside her again, as he had dreamt of doing from the moment he had blasted off in that spaceship, for the life of him, he had [I]no[/I] idea how he could have done it.
"That's not good enough." Liz sounded angry now. "I deserve to know what was going through your mind...how you could have done that. Because you had to have known that I wouldn't have stopped you. You could have at least told me - told someone! We were so worried about you!"
Max tried to breathe deeply, in an attempt to reacquire some equilibrium. He was actually surprised that he was still managing to drive. He felt like his veins wanted to jump right out of his skin, the blood was rushing through them so quickly. "I think...I think I knew that if I called you, I wouldn't be able to do it. I wouldn't be able to go through with leaving. Because I knew that I might [I]not[/I] come back, and I couldn't bear talking to you even once more, because it might be the last time." He heard his voice crack, tried to hide it. He wanted her to know how much he had loved her, how much he still loved her, but he didn't want her to know that giving her up now was tearing him up inside, despite the fact that he was doing a very good job of hiding it. "I just could not bear to actually [I]have[/I] it be the last time. Because I had to go."
There was another long silence as Liz digested this. "Okay. I guess I understand that." She finally said. "And it all worked out for the best anyway. You found Ben. I met Dan. Michael and Isabel are safe."
Max did not reply. Because he couldn't. Sure, a lot had gone right. He [I]had[/I] saved Ben. Michael and Isabel had never had to make the choice about whether to go back with him, had built lives for themselves on Earth.
But one thing had turned out very, [I]very[/I] wrong. He had lost her. And the worst part was that he had never in a million years expected that he would. Not after he had learned the truth about Kadiya.
Soulmates were supposed to be together. It was why he had been so sure through his entire time on Antar that she would be waiting for him when he returned to Earth. Not only because she was Liz and he was Max.
But because she was Kadi and he was Zan.
Because, in the end, it just wasn't fair that he had had to lose her twice.
Max watched Liz's face as she absorbed this latest bombshell. She frowned slightly, as though she was trying to understand what this meant.
"Ava?" She finally whispered, sounding sad. "I guess your memories of her were right. You must have really loved her - to want to give up the throne."
Max smiled slightly. He couldn't help it. The truth was so obvious to him, had been from the first time he had heard about Kadiya, but he was not surprised that Liz wouldn't recognize it.
She didn't know about Antar after all, did not know what he had learned about the way that Antarians mated, bonded. She [I]was[/I] human.
In this life anyway.
"Not Ava." Max told her. She blinked.
"Really? Then who?" She sounded interested again, and slightly put out if Max was not mistaken. Ava she was willing to understand. Liz had always accepted that Tess/Ava was the one he was supposed to be with. But hearing that there was yet [I]another[/I]...She was not happy about it. He felt another little flash of hope, like the ones that had been hitting him every so often whenever she slipped. Because she had slipped [I]a lot[/I] during their conversation.
Liz was not ambivalent to him. And, if he was not mistaken, she was a little jealous now.
Well, she didn't know. And he didn't know if he should tell her. It might just upset her even more. He had promised her that he was not going to try and convince her to leave Dan, and he wouldn't.
Because he knew that if he told her the truth - the truth about so many things - she would seriously feel compelled to rethink that decision. He didn't know if he could ask her to do that, even though he wanted to more than he wanted anything in this or any other world.
Telling her...it would be the height of selfishness. He was [I]good[/I] at being selfish, always had been, as Zan [I]and[/I] as Max. But he couldn't be selfish about this. Not when it meant disrupting her entire life.
Liz was still staring at him, her arms folded, clearly impatient to hear the rest of his story.
"Her name was Kadiya." He told her quietly. "He met her at a party. From the first moment he laid eyes on her he knew she was the one for him."
He had always known it - even in [I]this[/I] life, before he remembered her.
Because when he had found out about her - about Kadi - he had remembered. He had remembered seeing her on Dimitras rock, standing with her mistress, Ava, noticing [I]him[/I] at the exact same moment he had noticed her. He had remembered that everything Larek had told him about Ava at the Museum the night had had first remembered who he thought was Ava, had actually been about [I]Kadiya[/I] - that Larek had made that same mistake that night, at the party.
Max had even remembered his horror when Larek had introduced him to Ava, as though it was [I]she[/I] he had wanted to see, wanted to fall to his knees in front of, wanted to beg to marry him. Because the future king could not have fallen instantly in love with a servant girl. Not even a future king as peculiar and unhappy as Zan had been.
It just could not happen.
But it had. And he had been willing to change the entire governmental structure of his planet so that he could be with her.
Few on Antar had known about Kadiya, not even Larek, not after that original mistake had been made. They all just thought he was going crazy with all the talk of ending the monarchy, of bringing equality to the planet. And he had told almost no one - not even Vilandra. He had worried that if they knew, they would kill her, take her away, do [I]something[/I] to her to stop him from doing what he knew had to be done to save his soul and, in the long run, his planet.
Max refocused on Liz, who was speaking. "But Zan ended up with Ava," she said. When Max nodded, she sighed heavily, sounding disappointed, like she wanted him to have been with the one he loved, even if only in that past life that she was positive she had not been a part of. "How?"
"It was a huge disaster. Kadi was not of the Blood, being a servant. The social hierarchy in the system was strict. He couldn't be with her. And everyone seemed to think that it was Ava he wanted." Max shook his head, rolling his eyes. "Obedience to duty was demanded of everyone in Antarian society, even the king. Ava was suitable and so Zan was supposed to love [I]her[/I]. But he didn't."
"What happened?" Liz's dark eyes were wide, pained, as though this was all bringing back memories she would rather forget. Memories like hearing in the pod chamber that he was destined for someone else, memories of finding out that being with him would end the world, memories of learning that he had impregnated someone else, that he had not saved himself for her.
"His sister, Vilandra, tried to stop him. Because she found out about Kadiya."
"Isabel?" Liz asked. "But why?"
Max shook his head ruefully. "Zan might have been willing to give up the throne, but he had a hard time with [I]not[/I] playing king. It was the position he was raised for after all." When Liz shook her head, not understanding, he continued. "Vilandra was betrothed to Rath - Michael - one of Zan's best friends and his most trusted general. It was an [I]extremely[/I] important alliance for Zan - not only because of his love for Rath, but also because Rath was willing to support the abolishment of the monarchy - because he knew about Kadi, understood about her. Rath was in love with Vilandra, you see, but Lonnie didn't love him. She was madly infatuated with Khivar, Rath's brother. She begged Zan to break off the engagement, but Zan refused to hurt Rath that way, especially because he didn't trust Khivar, rightly I might add. But, I'm ashamed to say though, it was mainly because he didn't want to give up the alliance the marriage would bring about. Because it was one step closer to getting what he wanted."
"So she helped Khivar overthrow you?" Liz sounded incredulous. "I can't imagine Isabel [I]ever[/I] doing that!"
"She was driven to it Liz." Max explained. He searched for a way to make her understand what it had been like for his sister. Max was still trying to deal with it himself, what he had done to her in that past life of his, but he wanted Liz to know - needed for her to know. If only to absolve himself a little bit. "Do you remember the way Izzy and I were towards each other right after Alex died?" He saw Liz flinch at the mention of Alex, closed his eyes briefly as a spasm of guilt ran through him. The guilt about Alex was still as fresh as it had been the day he had first learned the truth about Tess.
"I remember." Liz finally managed to say. "She wanted to go away to school and you wouldn't let her."
"You also remember the way I ordered [I]you[/I] around then?" Max continued, not willing for her to forget it. He had been an ass, deserved every shred of guilt it still invoked in him. "Well, imagine [I]that[/I] doubled, tripled. In his efforts to protect Rath, Zan drove Vilandra straight into the enemy camp. Khivar made sure she found out about Kadiya -[I]he[/I] knew because Rath trusted his brother with the story, not knowing that he was a traitor. Lonnie found out that Zan was going to democratize the planet for [I]his[/I] love - and she lost it. She literally went insane with rage that he would force her into a marriage against her will and yet betray everything they had been raised to be because of [I]his[/I] love."
"Good Lord." Liz breathed. Max could see she was imagining what it must have been like. "And so she helped Khivar."
"She didn't know what he was. Even Zan wasn't sure until the very end or he might still have been able to stop him. But Khivar arranged it so Ava caught Zan and Kadiya together. He also leaked news of Zan's intentions regarding the throne to the leaders of the other planets, which brought him their support, at least until he killed Zan."
"What happened to Vilandra and the others?" Max tried to ignore her hand, which had found it's way onto his arm again. Liz had not changed at all it seemed. She was still tuned in to the pain of those around her, felt his over what had transpired in his family, his guilt that [I]he[/I] had been responsible for it all. She wanted to comfort him, even if she knew it was dangerous.
And she had to know it was. If she was feeling even half what he was feeling in her presence, touching him was [I]not[/I] safe.
His voice caught momentarily in his throat as he tried to speak. His entire attention was focused on her hand, reflecting on how annoying it was that he had not only his jacket between her fingers and his skin, but his damn shirt as well. He cleared it, felt heat beginning to rise into his face, not from embarrassment but, rather, from the attempt not to grab her hand and pull her into his arms.
How could one small hand do this? It was crazy.
It's Liz, a small voice in the back of his mind reminded him. It's not crazy. It's only natural.
It was natural, but [I]also[/I] dangerous. He might be willing to put her desires first, but he was [I]not[/I] a machine. If there was one thing he had learned on Antar, it was that he [I]was[/I] human, almost completely. He could only take so much.
Touching he could [I]not[/I] take.
He tried to appear casual as he pulled away, walked towards the darkness on the edge of the light thrown by the headlights. He recited it stonily, as though it had happened to strangers, not to himself and his nearest and dearest. "They all died. Vilandra let Khivar into the Palace with his army, thinking that he only meant to force Zan to let them marry, not knowing that he had the authority of the Council of Planets to usurp the throne. When she realized that her lover intended to kill her brother, she threw herself in front of Zan, took the death blow meant for him. Rath killed himself when he realized the dishonour his brother had brought to their family. And Ava killed Zan for dishonouring [I]her[/I]. Zan let her, having been told that Kadi had been killed too. It was Shakespearean in proportion. A literal blood bath." Max shook his head, not clearly remembering all of it, even after memory regression, but he did remember [I]feelings[/I]: his horror at what he had brought his sister to with his stubbornness, his grief at the loss of his best friend and closest ally, and his absolute devastation at the thought that his Kadiya had suffered at the hands of Khivar.
Liz's face was white. She had her hands clenched tightly at her sides. "That still doesn't explain what happened to Ava."
Max sighed. "The irony of the whole thing was that because it was [I]Ava[/I] who had technically killed Zan, they blamed the whole fiasco on her. She was executed for regicide, thus ending the saga of the Royal Four."
"But that wasn't the end Max. Someone saved you. They sent you here." Liz prodded.
"Larek - and our mother. " Max shrugged. "Larek was the only one who had not supported the overthrow, mainly out of personal loyalty to Zan. I met him on Antar." Max elaborated. "He is extremely proper and traditional. He knew about Kadi when he cloned us, the Council having told him to get him to support the usurpation, but he sent Ava to Earth, because he didn't believe it. He [I]still[/I] believed that Zan had been madly in love with Ava. Because hadn't he married her the exact day he had died?" Max whispered this last bit, felt the sadness he had known in that other life when all of his dreams had ended in that marriage.
But he had not been her mate. Not in the true sense. That honour had been solely reserved for Kadiya.
"God Max. It was just horrible." Liz's arms were around her middle, as though she was cold. He longed more than anything to reach out, pull her into his arms.
"It was." Max acknowledged. "But we got a second chance. And I almost screwed it up royally again this time too. No pun intended." He added when Liz stared at him.
"But you didn't." Liz replied. "Because you're here. You're still alive. And Khivar is dead."
"Yes, Khivar is dead." Max shuddered briefly, couldn't help it. He knew Liz noticed. "I killed him."
"You're safe here." Liz nodded resolutely. Max frowned slightly. It was almost as if she was trying to reassure herself of this fact.
"Yes. Is there a reason we might not be?" Max asked, reading something on Liz's face that made his stomach clench suddenly.
Liz grimaced slightly. "Max, I don't know whether I should tell you this or not..." She swallowed. "Okay, that's wrong. I [I]know[/I] I should, but I don't want you to freak out or anything. Plus, I should have told you when I first saw you and now I just feel like a heel about that too."
Max's feeling of unease increased. "Tell me. I trust your judgment Liz. If you think I should know, I probably should."
"Ben was almost hit by a car today." Liz blurted. Her expression was horribly guilty. Max barely registered this though. He felt like he had been punched in the solar plexus.
Ben. His son. The one person who would make him pull through, now that he knew for certain that Liz was lost to him for good.
His sole reason for living had almost been hit by a car.
"Get in." Max motioned towards the car. "We have to go home."
"If Khivar is dead, it has to have been an accident." Liz continued, once they were in the Cherokee and back on the highway. "Some drunk or something."
"Probably." Max agreed, still feeling tense. "You're sure that he was all right?"
"Yeah. A little freaked out, but I don't think he knew how close it was." Liz was staring out the front windshield, her expression blank. "Max, I am so sorry I didn't tell you before this. I don't know what I was thinking. But I was just so angry at you - and I knew he was safe with Michael - and it just slipped my mind." Her voice broke. Max glanced at her out of the corner of his eye. He realized that she was crying.
She was crying over his Ben. And she didn't even know the truth about him.
She would, but not until after her wedding. It was another secret that he had to keep so as not to disrupt her life. Knowing [I]after[/I] wouldn't change anything after all.
"Liz, it's okay. You told me now." He wasn't angry at her. He was more angry at himself - that he had been so irresponsible earlier today by sneaking off to Roswell to get a glimpse of Dan, by forgetting to get Michael to pick Ben up on time. He was a father - by his own choice. He damn well had to start acting like one.
Max reached out, patted Liz's knee awkwardly. He jerked his hand back when he felt her tense up instantly.
"Tell me about Dan." He said it to get her to stop crying, to take her mind off of her guilt, and also to try and ease his worry about Ben until he could actually [I]see[/I] that his son was fine with his own eyes, but the minute the words came out of his mouth he could have kicked himself. What the hell was he thinking? The last thing he wanted to hear about was Dan!
Max knew Liz was staring at him. "You can't be serious?" She finally managed to say.
"I am." Max gritted his teeth, forcing the words. "I need to know that he deserves you."
Although Max already knew that Dan didn't. At all.
Liz was quiet for several more moments, as though trying to process the fact that he [I]really[/I] expected her to talk about her fiancé. "Er, well, we met at Harvard." She started off slowly. "He was the TA in one of the classes I took."
"So he's older then." Max narrowed his eyes.
"He's thirty." Liz replied. "I wasn't looking to date [I]anyone[/I] when I went there. My entire life was focused on school, but we spent a lot of time together, and one thing led to another."
"You fell in love with him?" Max knew his nostrils were flaring and that he was clutching the steering wheel far too tightly. Why did he keep asking questions? Was he trying to torture himself?
But he knew the answer to that one. Of course he was. Better to torture himself about Liz than to worry about Ben. Not [I]much[/I] better, but better.
"Yes." Liz answered simply. "I could talk to him about anything. I never expected to find that again. Not after what happened with you. Not after how badly it ended." She finished quietly. "He was extremely patient. I mourned you for a long time Max."
He closed his eyes briefly, pain shooting right to his heart. "I'm sorry about that Liz." He finally said. "I'm glad you found someone. You deserve to be happy."
He hated Dan, yes. But if he truly made Liz happy, well, he would try and like him. It would be the absolute hardest thing he ever did, but he would try.
"I didn't think I ever could be again - not after you left. But I was." There was a long pause, and then, "Max?" He Her voice was small, wary.
"Yeah?"
"Can you tell me?"
"Tell you what?"
"How you could have left me - without even saying goodbye?"
Max's breath caught in his lungs. He had never expected her to ask such a thing, didn't think that she wanted to revisit the past at all - at least that's the impression he had gotten, with her constant insistence that nothing in the past mattered anymore. "I don't know how." He finally admitted.
Because, now, sitting here beside her again, as he had dreamt of doing from the moment he had blasted off in that spaceship, for the life of him, he had [I]no[/I] idea how he could have done it.
"That's not good enough." Liz sounded angry now. "I deserve to know what was going through your mind...how you could have done that. Because you had to have known that I wouldn't have stopped you. You could have at least told me - told someone! We were so worried about you!"
Max tried to breathe deeply, in an attempt to reacquire some equilibrium. He was actually surprised that he was still managing to drive. He felt like his veins wanted to jump right out of his skin, the blood was rushing through them so quickly. "I think...I think I knew that if I called you, I wouldn't be able to do it. I wouldn't be able to go through with leaving. Because I knew that I might [I]not[/I] come back, and I couldn't bear talking to you even once more, because it might be the last time." He heard his voice crack, tried to hide it. He wanted her to know how much he had loved her, how much he still loved her, but he didn't want her to know that giving her up now was tearing him up inside, despite the fact that he was doing a very good job of hiding it. "I just could not bear to actually [I]have[/I] it be the last time. Because I had to go."
There was another long silence as Liz digested this. "Okay. I guess I understand that." She finally said. "And it all worked out for the best anyway. You found Ben. I met Dan. Michael and Isabel are safe."
Max did not reply. Because he couldn't. Sure, a lot had gone right. He [I]had[/I] saved Ben. Michael and Isabel had never had to make the choice about whether to go back with him, had built lives for themselves on Earth.
But one thing had turned out very, [I]very[/I] wrong. He had lost her. And the worst part was that he had never in a million years expected that he would. Not after he had learned the truth about Kadiya.
Soulmates were supposed to be together. It was why he had been so sure through his entire time on Antar that she would be waiting for him when he returned to Earth. Not only because she was Liz and he was Max.
But because she was Kadi and he was Zan.
Because, in the end, it just wasn't fair that he had had to lose her twice.