Part 15
Liz felt literally sick. She hit the button that controlled the window on her side of the car, took deep breaths, trying to control the bile that was rising in her throat at the thought of Alex taken over - [I]possessed[/I] - by the evil alien who had killed Max, Isabel and Michael in their past lives through his traitorous actions.
"Liz, are you okay?" She could hear the concern in Max's voice. His hand was on her shoulder, trying to comfort her. "Do you want me to stop?"
She closed her eyes, continued to breathe deeply. In, out, in, out.
"Liz?"
She swallowed, turned back to face Max. "I'm okay. It's all right."
"Are you sure?" She could see the guilt on his face. "Maybe I shouldn't have told you." There was a pause, then he asked tentatively, "Does this change things? About how you feel about Ben I mean?"
Liz glanced over her shoulder, at the small boy still asleep on the back-seat. His chest was rising and falling evenly. He was [I]so[/I] innocent, and whatever Khivar might have thought, Ben was [I]Alex's[/I]. Her lost friend was reflected in the child. Alex lived on in Ben.
"No." Liz replied firmly. "I don't care what happened. It was Alex who fathered him."
She saw Max nod in agreement. "It's what I think too. The only good thing about Khivar being involved at all was that he protected Ben. In his mind, having Ben on the throne was like having his own heir on the throne. He didn't care that everyone thought he was mine, that Ben wasn't even [I]really[/I] his. He liked being the only one who knew that what he considered to be [I]his[/I] blood would rule Antar, even after he was gone."
Liz shook her head. "He was really sick, wasn't he? Why did he hate you so much Max? Or I guess I should say why did he hate Zan so much?"
Max sighed heavily. "For many reasons I think. A lot of it was actually a private struggle, one that very few on the planet really understood. Khivar hated Zan because Zan had everything Khivar had always wanted, and, yet, he was willing to throw it all away by ending the monarchy. He resented that Zan and Rath were so close, that Rath considered Zan to be his brother, even more so than Khivar, who he had always brushed off as a spoiled brat. Because he was. Try and imagine one of those kids whose parents give them everything, but they never think it's enough. They always want more, want what the other kids have. In the end, it really came down to that. Something as silly and stupid as jealousy."
"So it wasn't really about Vilandra at all?" Liz hated to admit it, but she found the entire history of Antar fascinating. She knew that she shouldn't, that they should be trying to figure out what the heck Nicholas wanted with Ben, but she couldn't help but ask about what had come before.
The weirdest part was that all of it sounded strangely familiar to her - like she had heard it all before. She didn't understand it, but none of this story was particularly surprising to her. Horrifying and tragic, yes. But surprising, no.
"Khivar wanted Vilandra because he knew that Rath wanted her. He enjoyed making her pine over him, reveled in turning her against Zan. I don't think it will come as a big shock that Zan, Rath and Vilandra were all very close growing up. It was why she felt so betrayed when Zan refused to allow her to marry Khivar, using tradition and duty as excuses, but then when she found out about Kadi, she lost it. Khivar simply enjoyed creating chaos. And he was very good at it."
"Poor Isabel." Liz whispered. "Are you going to tell her any of this?" She looked at Max's profile. She could see that his hands were clenching the steering wheel tightly.
For a moment she didn't think he was going to answer her. He was quiet for that long. And then, "I wasn't going to." He told her softly. "I wasn't going to tell them anything about what happened in our past lives or what happened when I was back there getting Ben. I didn't think they needed to know. They're human now Liz. They've built lives for themselves here." He sighed again. "They both know Khivar is dead. I thought that would be enough, to make them feel secure." He shook his head. "I just don't know anymore though." She saw him glance in the rear-view mirror at Ben. "Everything's changed again. They may [I]need[/I] to know now, especially if Izzy is going to protect Alexandra."
Liz bit her lip. She could understand why he wouldn't want to tell them about their past lives, particularly Isabel. She had had a hard enough time dealing with the whole betrayal of Zan issue the first time around, when Congresswoman Whittaker had first told her about it. Isabel seemed to have moved beyond her guilt over that now. Dredging the whole thing up again [I]might[/I] be a mistake.
Something [I]else[/I] had claimed Liz's attention though. "Why can't they know what happened when you were getting Ben?" She asked him. It didn't make any sense to her. He had been on a mission, one that had recovered an innocent boy from a murderous mother and a psychotic usurper. What shame was there that Max was hiding? He had already made it clear that he felt guilty over [I]something[/I] that had happened when he had been on Antar.
"Max, what did you have to do?"
Asking him wasn't a matter of curiosity this time. She could tell that he needed to tell [I]someone[/I], needed to get it off his chest. And even if they couldn't be together, they had agreed they were still friends. She could be that person for him. He deserved that much at least.
There was another long silence. She could hear Max's breathing becoming erratic, as he struggled with what he was about to tell her. "I've already told you that I killed Khivar." He finally managed to say.
Liz frowned slightly. "Yes. I'm guessing you had no choice Max. After all he had done to you and your family, he more than deserved it. And you had to make sure that he never came after any of you again."
"Liz, you don't understand. You [I]can't[/I] understand what it's like to take a life. Even an evil one." Max continued urgently. Liz felt her eyes widening. Of course she didn't understand. She had never even thought about it actually. "But I didn't just kill Khivar. You have no idea how many people I had to kill to get to Ben. How many people I had to send out to [I]die[/I] to get to him. And most of those people were just doing their jobs, defending the one they considered to be their leader." Liz heard his voice crack slightly. "I understood so easily why Zan had hated being a king. It's an awful position Liz, being responsible for all those people, for their lives, being able to throw away their lives so easily."
"Max..." Liz felt her heart going out to him. She understood, finally, where the haunted look that she had seen in his eyes came from. It was hidden well, but Max was being tortured internally for what he had had to do to assure the safety of one child. Because, at his core, Max Evans was a healer. Killing and sending others to their deaths must have gone absolutely against his nature.
She flashed back to the days leading up to when he had left her, when they had been 18. The Max who had robbed that convenience store, the Max who had gone to Los Angeles, he had been desperate, driven to do crazy things. In the end, he had had to do even more awful things to save the child he had thought was his son.
He was still speaking though, ignoring her attempt to comfort him. "Liz, I've ruined lives. So many of them. It all started with Langley. He hated my guts you know. He betrayed me the minute we got back to Antar because whatever control I had over him disappeared as soon as we landed. He despised me that much. I had taken that much away from him. But he was only the beginning." He paused, amended, "Well, it started before that actually. I hurt the people I loved the most, you, Isabel, my parents, and then I went off to another planet and hurt people I didn't even [I]know.[/I]"
"Max, you didn't ruin [I]my[/I] life." Liz exclaimed, desperate to get him to stop. "You [I]saved[/I] my life. You hurt me, yes, but I [I]have[/I] a life because of you." He frowned slightly, took his eyes off the road to glance at her. "And don't you think talking to Michael about this might [I]help[/I] you? He's experienced it before too. Killing someone I mean."
Max shook his head. "It's different Liz. He was saving Valenti's life. I [I]deliberately[/I] sent people to their deaths, [I]ordered[/I] their deaths. All because I was the king and I could."
"Max, that's what leaders do! It's what they [I]have[/I] to do!"
"I know." Max replied simply. "But it's not easy. And Michael and Isabel don' t need to know about any of it. They aren't leaders in this life and they don' t need to know what they did before, when they were. It changes you, knowing what you [I]can[/I] do when you're in charge. Knowing sometimes that you [I]have[/I] to do it, even if you're a [I]good[/I] leader."
Liz just stared at him. She had no idea what to say to him. She almost thought that he didn't want her to say [I]anything.[/I] The burden that he carried on his shoulders was not a light one, but she had the idea that he had no intention of ever letting go of it. It was like the one thing he could do to make up for all that he felt he had done to so many others, was to never let himself forget it.
"What are you thinking?" Max asked after another long silence. His voice sounded tentative, a little unsure, as though he thought that after she had had time to absorb all this, she would start to be disgusted by him, in the same way she just [I]knew[/I] that he was disgusted by himself.
She couldn't help it. She reached out and placed her hand on his knee, squeezed gently. "I'm thinking that you've changed Max. A lot. You've become the leader you were supposed to be, before Tess interfered that is."
Max snorted, but she could see the slight smile that appeared on his face. She felt a flash of pure pleasure that she had made him feel even slightly better.
But, what he did next, so surprised her, she didn't know what to think. He took one hand off the steering wheel, picked up her hand and gently placed it back in her own lap.
Liz blinked, felt a momentary stab of embarrassment and pain. She had no time to reflect on what that could have possibly meant though, because she jumped about two feet when a piercing ringing suddenly filled the interior of the Jeep.
It took her a moment to realize it was her cell phone.
She could see that Max was frowning slightly now, but he didn't say anything as she hurriedly opened her purse and pulled out the small communication device. "Hello?"
"Elizabeth! Where are you? I'm worried sick!"
Liz grimaced, brought a hand up to her temple. She suddenly had a splitting head-ache.
It was Dan and he sounded extremely irritated. And he was [I]still[/I] talking. "I went back to Jesse and Isabel's after a couple of hours, to make sure that you were all right after your conversation with Max, and found Maria and that annoying boyfriend of hers there. They were all running around frantically and refused to tell me anything about where you are! And then they just left! Has he kidnapped you or something?" Now the underlying note of panic in his voice was becoming more and more clear to Liz.
"Dan, of course Max hasn't kidnapped me!" Liz exclaimed. She frowned when she saw a smirk appear on Max's face out of the corner of her eye, turned towards the window, attempting to ignore the fact that he was listening to everything she was saying.
She wondered if she imagined hearing him mutter, "Not yet anyway." She whipped her head around to stare at him, but he was gazing innocently out the front windshield.
"Do you want to stop for something to eat?" Max asked suddenly, far louder than necessary. She couldn't believe her eyes when he actually had the gall to turn his head and grin at her.
"Are you still with him?" Dan demanded in her ear. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"
Liz scowled at Max. "Yes, I'm still with him." She had no idea what to say after that. She couldn't tell Dan where they were going, nor that they weren't going to be back at Isabel's anytime in the near future. "His son is sick. I'm helping him." She closed her eyes, grimaced again, waiting for the reaction to that.
"Oh. I see. Well, I can understand why everyone was so upset then, I guess." Dan answered grudgingly. "But why wouldn't they tell me that?"
"I don't know." Liz replied, deciding that playing dumb was better than trying to come up with an excuse. "I'll talk to Maria about it."
"I don't think Maria likes me very much." Dan sighed heavily.
"Honey, she [I]loves[/I] you! They all do. They were just worried." Liz told him helplessly. She so did not have time for this right now.
"Well, are you at a hospital?" Dan asked hopefully. "Can I come help too?"
He was so sweet. Liz knew that he was beginning to get freaked out about how strange she had been acting over the past couple of days, and still he wanted to help. Liz felt a stab of guilt as she piled another lie on top of the ones that had come before. "Thanks so much Honey. I'm sure Max would really appreciate that so much..." She ignored the snort that came from the seat next to her. "But it would just be too many people. It best to have the people he knows around him. Do you understand?"
"Of course. How long do you think you'll be?"
"Oh, a couple of days..."
"A COUPLE OF DAYS?" Dan yelled. "Where is this hospital anyway? Outer space? Is the kid dying?"
Liz flinched, held the phone away from her ear. Those last two questions had been a little too close to the mark for comfort. She almost started to laugh hysterically. "Dan, calm down. Please. You promised that you would trust me."
"Elizabeth, I think that you're asking me to be a little [I]too[/I] trusting here." Dan retorted. "We're getting married in four days. We have planning to do! I'm sorry the kid is sick, but can't Max's family deal with it?"
"Well..."
"Tell me where you are. I'm coming to get you!" Dan insisted. "This is craziness. Is he brainwashing you or something? Your dad was so right."
Liz frowned. "What did my [I]dad[/I] say to you?"
"He told me that I could trust you but that I couldn't trust Max Evans." Dan snapped back. "Just a few minutes ago as a matter of fact."
"Are you kidding me? My dad said [I]that?[/I] It's been eight years for God's sake. You'd think he would have gotten over some of this by now!"
She looked at Max, who was now frowning again.
"Well, apparently he was right!" Dan retorted. "I just know that guy is up to something." She heard him mutter.
"Dan, do you or do you not trust me?" Liz demanded, getting angry despite herself. None of this was Dan's fault, and yet she was furious at him. More than likely because he had every right [I]not[/I] to trust her. He [I]shouldn't[/I] trust her. She was flat-out lying to him.
But she had no choice. She could not leave Ben - not when his life was in danger.
There was a long pause. "Yes." It sounded like he was forcing himself to say it.
Liz sighed. "I am really sorry about this. I swear I'll explain everything when I see you."
"In two days?" He asked, sounding annoyed.
"In two days." She repeated. Or three, she added mentally to herself. She refused to think about what it would mean if she wasn't sure that Ben was safe after three days. "I'll call you in a few hours. Try and get some sleep. I swear to you that everything is fine."
There was another long pause. "Elizabeth, please remember that I love you."
"I know you do. I do too." Liz replied. She didn't question why she couldn't say the words themselves. She knew it was because Max was sitting right beside her, listening, not even trying to pretend that he wasn't.
She just could not tell Dan that she loved him in front of Max.
It was a bad sign. She knew it was.
"Bye." She whispered, clicking off.
Liz swallowed, felt tears pricking her eyes. She blinked rapidly, refused to let them fall.
Max did not say anything. Neither did she. The tension in the air could be cut with a knife.
Had she really only found out that he was back on the planet twelve hours ago? If felt like twelve years. She was suddenly, inexplicably exhausted.
"How much further?" She finally asked, when she couldn't take the uncomfortable silence any longer.
"Only a couple more hours." Max replied. And then, "Liz, you should go back. Once Michael and Isabel arrive, I want you to take Maria and I want you to go back to Roswell."
Liz turned her head, stared at him. She could tell by the look on his face that he meant it.
"Max, no." She shook her head. "I'm not leaving him."
I'm not leaving [I]you[/I].
The thought ran unbidden through her mind. She suppressed it ruthlessly. This was not about Max and her unresolved feelings for him.
This was entirely about Ben now.
"Liz, this is screwing up your life." Max told her gently. "It's not fair. I promise you that I will keep Ben safe."
"By taking him away." Liz snapped, not really angry, but not able to help her tone.
Max just sighed, didn't reply.
"No." She repeated. And she meant it. "I don't want to discuss it anymore." She added. "You're not going to get rid of me, so just drop it."
There was another long stretch of silence, and then Liz said, "Do you think that Alex knew that he was a father? That he knew what happened?"
She felt Max turn his head, felt his eyes on her questioningly. She ignored the fact that she had so completely changed the subject. "I don't know." Max finally replied. "Do you?"
"He knew he was being mind-warped." Liz answered. "He came out of it right before Tess killed him. Kyle told us that." She added. "I wonder how much of what [I]really[/I] happened, he remembered?"
"Do you think it would have been better if he had known?" Max asked.
"I don't know." Liz felt extremely weary again. She leaned her head against the cool window, closed her eyes. "He didn't love Tess."
"A lot of kids are wanted, even if they aren't conceived in love." Max commented.
Liz opened her eyes, stared straight ahead. "You always loved him. Even though you didn't love Tess." She paused. "It must have hurt to find out he wasn't yours."
"It did at first." Max shrugged. "I felt like I had sacrificed so much for nothing. But then I met him. And I loved him for [I]him[/I]."
"And because he was Alex's."
"Right. And he [I]is[/I] mine in every way that counts."
"Would you ever give him up?" Liz asked cautiously. She couldn't believe she was doing this. But it was a question she had to know the answer to. She wasn't sure why, but she [I]needed[/I] to know. She wondered if a small part of her didn't hope that he said yes, so that she could take Ben and she and Dan could raise him together.
Because that would be safe. She wouldn't have to face Max Evans for the rest of her life. Because if she intended to play an important role in Ben's life, and if Max was his father, she was going to have to.
Max seemed to understand though. He didn't sound angry when he said quietly. "Never." There was another long silence and then Max added. "Liz, you don't have to be with me to be a part of his life. I swear I will never keep him away from you."
Liz didn't answer, just closed her eyes again.
Because that wasn't what was scaring her. She [I]knew[/I] that Max would never keep her away from Ben.
What frightened her was that she was beginning to think that [I]someone[/I] was going to have to keep her away from [I]Max[/I].
Because with every mile they drove, she felt the distance between them disappearing, felt the desire to be with him returning more strongly.
He had been gone for eight years and in twelve hours he was undoing all the pain and heart-break and sorrow he had caused when he had left. How was it even possible? And she didn't even think that he was trying. That was the worst part.
"Max?"
"Yeah?"
She couldn't believe what she was about to ask him. She didn't even know if he would be honest with her now, because she had made it more than clear to him that she was uninterested in any sort of future with him.
"Did you really think that I would be waiting for you when you got back?"
She heard him swallow. Finally, he whispered, "Yes."
Liz didn't say anything else.
Because she wasn't allowed to say what she [I]wanted[/it] to say
Twelve hours ago she would have been angry at him for admitting it.
Now, all she wanted to say was: [I]I wish I had been.[/I]
Liz felt literally sick. She hit the button that controlled the window on her side of the car, took deep breaths, trying to control the bile that was rising in her throat at the thought of Alex taken over - [I]possessed[/I] - by the evil alien who had killed Max, Isabel and Michael in their past lives through his traitorous actions.
"Liz, are you okay?" She could hear the concern in Max's voice. His hand was on her shoulder, trying to comfort her. "Do you want me to stop?"
She closed her eyes, continued to breathe deeply. In, out, in, out.
"Liz?"
She swallowed, turned back to face Max. "I'm okay. It's all right."
"Are you sure?" She could see the guilt on his face. "Maybe I shouldn't have told you." There was a pause, then he asked tentatively, "Does this change things? About how you feel about Ben I mean?"
Liz glanced over her shoulder, at the small boy still asleep on the back-seat. His chest was rising and falling evenly. He was [I]so[/I] innocent, and whatever Khivar might have thought, Ben was [I]Alex's[/I]. Her lost friend was reflected in the child. Alex lived on in Ben.
"No." Liz replied firmly. "I don't care what happened. It was Alex who fathered him."
She saw Max nod in agreement. "It's what I think too. The only good thing about Khivar being involved at all was that he protected Ben. In his mind, having Ben on the throne was like having his own heir on the throne. He didn't care that everyone thought he was mine, that Ben wasn't even [I]really[/I] his. He liked being the only one who knew that what he considered to be [I]his[/I] blood would rule Antar, even after he was gone."
Liz shook her head. "He was really sick, wasn't he? Why did he hate you so much Max? Or I guess I should say why did he hate Zan so much?"
Max sighed heavily. "For many reasons I think. A lot of it was actually a private struggle, one that very few on the planet really understood. Khivar hated Zan because Zan had everything Khivar had always wanted, and, yet, he was willing to throw it all away by ending the monarchy. He resented that Zan and Rath were so close, that Rath considered Zan to be his brother, even more so than Khivar, who he had always brushed off as a spoiled brat. Because he was. Try and imagine one of those kids whose parents give them everything, but they never think it's enough. They always want more, want what the other kids have. In the end, it really came down to that. Something as silly and stupid as jealousy."
"So it wasn't really about Vilandra at all?" Liz hated to admit it, but she found the entire history of Antar fascinating. She knew that she shouldn't, that they should be trying to figure out what the heck Nicholas wanted with Ben, but she couldn't help but ask about what had come before.
The weirdest part was that all of it sounded strangely familiar to her - like she had heard it all before. She didn't understand it, but none of this story was particularly surprising to her. Horrifying and tragic, yes. But surprising, no.
"Khivar wanted Vilandra because he knew that Rath wanted her. He enjoyed making her pine over him, reveled in turning her against Zan. I don't think it will come as a big shock that Zan, Rath and Vilandra were all very close growing up. It was why she felt so betrayed when Zan refused to allow her to marry Khivar, using tradition and duty as excuses, but then when she found out about Kadi, she lost it. Khivar simply enjoyed creating chaos. And he was very good at it."
"Poor Isabel." Liz whispered. "Are you going to tell her any of this?" She looked at Max's profile. She could see that his hands were clenching the steering wheel tightly.
For a moment she didn't think he was going to answer her. He was quiet for that long. And then, "I wasn't going to." He told her softly. "I wasn't going to tell them anything about what happened in our past lives or what happened when I was back there getting Ben. I didn't think they needed to know. They're human now Liz. They've built lives for themselves here." He sighed again. "They both know Khivar is dead. I thought that would be enough, to make them feel secure." He shook his head. "I just don't know anymore though." She saw him glance in the rear-view mirror at Ben. "Everything's changed again. They may [I]need[/I] to know now, especially if Izzy is going to protect Alexandra."
Liz bit her lip. She could understand why he wouldn't want to tell them about their past lives, particularly Isabel. She had had a hard enough time dealing with the whole betrayal of Zan issue the first time around, when Congresswoman Whittaker had first told her about it. Isabel seemed to have moved beyond her guilt over that now. Dredging the whole thing up again [I]might[/I] be a mistake.
Something [I]else[/I] had claimed Liz's attention though. "Why can't they know what happened when you were getting Ben?" She asked him. It didn't make any sense to her. He had been on a mission, one that had recovered an innocent boy from a murderous mother and a psychotic usurper. What shame was there that Max was hiding? He had already made it clear that he felt guilty over [I]something[/I] that had happened when he had been on Antar.
"Max, what did you have to do?"
Asking him wasn't a matter of curiosity this time. She could tell that he needed to tell [I]someone[/I], needed to get it off his chest. And even if they couldn't be together, they had agreed they were still friends. She could be that person for him. He deserved that much at least.
There was another long silence. She could hear Max's breathing becoming erratic, as he struggled with what he was about to tell her. "I've already told you that I killed Khivar." He finally managed to say.
Liz frowned slightly. "Yes. I'm guessing you had no choice Max. After all he had done to you and your family, he more than deserved it. And you had to make sure that he never came after any of you again."
"Liz, you don't understand. You [I]can't[/I] understand what it's like to take a life. Even an evil one." Max continued urgently. Liz felt her eyes widening. Of course she didn't understand. She had never even thought about it actually. "But I didn't just kill Khivar. You have no idea how many people I had to kill to get to Ben. How many people I had to send out to [I]die[/I] to get to him. And most of those people were just doing their jobs, defending the one they considered to be their leader." Liz heard his voice crack slightly. "I understood so easily why Zan had hated being a king. It's an awful position Liz, being responsible for all those people, for their lives, being able to throw away their lives so easily."
"Max..." Liz felt her heart going out to him. She understood, finally, where the haunted look that she had seen in his eyes came from. It was hidden well, but Max was being tortured internally for what he had had to do to assure the safety of one child. Because, at his core, Max Evans was a healer. Killing and sending others to their deaths must have gone absolutely against his nature.
She flashed back to the days leading up to when he had left her, when they had been 18. The Max who had robbed that convenience store, the Max who had gone to Los Angeles, he had been desperate, driven to do crazy things. In the end, he had had to do even more awful things to save the child he had thought was his son.
He was still speaking though, ignoring her attempt to comfort him. "Liz, I've ruined lives. So many of them. It all started with Langley. He hated my guts you know. He betrayed me the minute we got back to Antar because whatever control I had over him disappeared as soon as we landed. He despised me that much. I had taken that much away from him. But he was only the beginning." He paused, amended, "Well, it started before that actually. I hurt the people I loved the most, you, Isabel, my parents, and then I went off to another planet and hurt people I didn't even [I]know.[/I]"
"Max, you didn't ruin [I]my[/I] life." Liz exclaimed, desperate to get him to stop. "You [I]saved[/I] my life. You hurt me, yes, but I [I]have[/I] a life because of you." He frowned slightly, took his eyes off the road to glance at her. "And don't you think talking to Michael about this might [I]help[/I] you? He's experienced it before too. Killing someone I mean."
Max shook his head. "It's different Liz. He was saving Valenti's life. I [I]deliberately[/I] sent people to their deaths, [I]ordered[/I] their deaths. All because I was the king and I could."
"Max, that's what leaders do! It's what they [I]have[/I] to do!"
"I know." Max replied simply. "But it's not easy. And Michael and Isabel don' t need to know about any of it. They aren't leaders in this life and they don' t need to know what they did before, when they were. It changes you, knowing what you [I]can[/I] do when you're in charge. Knowing sometimes that you [I]have[/I] to do it, even if you're a [I]good[/I] leader."
Liz just stared at him. She had no idea what to say to him. She almost thought that he didn't want her to say [I]anything.[/I] The burden that he carried on his shoulders was not a light one, but she had the idea that he had no intention of ever letting go of it. It was like the one thing he could do to make up for all that he felt he had done to so many others, was to never let himself forget it.
"What are you thinking?" Max asked after another long silence. His voice sounded tentative, a little unsure, as though he thought that after she had had time to absorb all this, she would start to be disgusted by him, in the same way she just [I]knew[/I] that he was disgusted by himself.
She couldn't help it. She reached out and placed her hand on his knee, squeezed gently. "I'm thinking that you've changed Max. A lot. You've become the leader you were supposed to be, before Tess interfered that is."
Max snorted, but she could see the slight smile that appeared on his face. She felt a flash of pure pleasure that she had made him feel even slightly better.
But, what he did next, so surprised her, she didn't know what to think. He took one hand off the steering wheel, picked up her hand and gently placed it back in her own lap.
Liz blinked, felt a momentary stab of embarrassment and pain. She had no time to reflect on what that could have possibly meant though, because she jumped about two feet when a piercing ringing suddenly filled the interior of the Jeep.
It took her a moment to realize it was her cell phone.
She could see that Max was frowning slightly now, but he didn't say anything as she hurriedly opened her purse and pulled out the small communication device. "Hello?"
"Elizabeth! Where are you? I'm worried sick!"
Liz grimaced, brought a hand up to her temple. She suddenly had a splitting head-ache.
It was Dan and he sounded extremely irritated. And he was [I]still[/I] talking. "I went back to Jesse and Isabel's after a couple of hours, to make sure that you were all right after your conversation with Max, and found Maria and that annoying boyfriend of hers there. They were all running around frantically and refused to tell me anything about where you are! And then they just left! Has he kidnapped you or something?" Now the underlying note of panic in his voice was becoming more and more clear to Liz.
"Dan, of course Max hasn't kidnapped me!" Liz exclaimed. She frowned when she saw a smirk appear on Max's face out of the corner of her eye, turned towards the window, attempting to ignore the fact that he was listening to everything she was saying.
She wondered if she imagined hearing him mutter, "Not yet anyway." She whipped her head around to stare at him, but he was gazing innocently out the front windshield.
"Do you want to stop for something to eat?" Max asked suddenly, far louder than necessary. She couldn't believe her eyes when he actually had the gall to turn his head and grin at her.
"Are you still with him?" Dan demanded in her ear. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"
Liz scowled at Max. "Yes, I'm still with him." She had no idea what to say after that. She couldn't tell Dan where they were going, nor that they weren't going to be back at Isabel's anytime in the near future. "His son is sick. I'm helping him." She closed her eyes, grimaced again, waiting for the reaction to that.
"Oh. I see. Well, I can understand why everyone was so upset then, I guess." Dan answered grudgingly. "But why wouldn't they tell me that?"
"I don't know." Liz replied, deciding that playing dumb was better than trying to come up with an excuse. "I'll talk to Maria about it."
"I don't think Maria likes me very much." Dan sighed heavily.
"Honey, she [I]loves[/I] you! They all do. They were just worried." Liz told him helplessly. She so did not have time for this right now.
"Well, are you at a hospital?" Dan asked hopefully. "Can I come help too?"
He was so sweet. Liz knew that he was beginning to get freaked out about how strange she had been acting over the past couple of days, and still he wanted to help. Liz felt a stab of guilt as she piled another lie on top of the ones that had come before. "Thanks so much Honey. I'm sure Max would really appreciate that so much..." She ignored the snort that came from the seat next to her. "But it would just be too many people. It best to have the people he knows around him. Do you understand?"
"Of course. How long do you think you'll be?"
"Oh, a couple of days..."
"A COUPLE OF DAYS?" Dan yelled. "Where is this hospital anyway? Outer space? Is the kid dying?"
Liz flinched, held the phone away from her ear. Those last two questions had been a little too close to the mark for comfort. She almost started to laugh hysterically. "Dan, calm down. Please. You promised that you would trust me."
"Elizabeth, I think that you're asking me to be a little [I]too[/I] trusting here." Dan retorted. "We're getting married in four days. We have planning to do! I'm sorry the kid is sick, but can't Max's family deal with it?"
"Well..."
"Tell me where you are. I'm coming to get you!" Dan insisted. "This is craziness. Is he brainwashing you or something? Your dad was so right."
Liz frowned. "What did my [I]dad[/I] say to you?"
"He told me that I could trust you but that I couldn't trust Max Evans." Dan snapped back. "Just a few minutes ago as a matter of fact."
"Are you kidding me? My dad said [I]that?[/I] It's been eight years for God's sake. You'd think he would have gotten over some of this by now!"
She looked at Max, who was now frowning again.
"Well, apparently he was right!" Dan retorted. "I just know that guy is up to something." She heard him mutter.
"Dan, do you or do you not trust me?" Liz demanded, getting angry despite herself. None of this was Dan's fault, and yet she was furious at him. More than likely because he had every right [I]not[/I] to trust her. He [I]shouldn't[/I] trust her. She was flat-out lying to him.
But she had no choice. She could not leave Ben - not when his life was in danger.
There was a long pause. "Yes." It sounded like he was forcing himself to say it.
Liz sighed. "I am really sorry about this. I swear I'll explain everything when I see you."
"In two days?" He asked, sounding annoyed.
"In two days." She repeated. Or three, she added mentally to herself. She refused to think about what it would mean if she wasn't sure that Ben was safe after three days. "I'll call you in a few hours. Try and get some sleep. I swear to you that everything is fine."
There was another long pause. "Elizabeth, please remember that I love you."
"I know you do. I do too." Liz replied. She didn't question why she couldn't say the words themselves. She knew it was because Max was sitting right beside her, listening, not even trying to pretend that he wasn't.
She just could not tell Dan that she loved him in front of Max.
It was a bad sign. She knew it was.
"Bye." She whispered, clicking off.
Liz swallowed, felt tears pricking her eyes. She blinked rapidly, refused to let them fall.
Max did not say anything. Neither did she. The tension in the air could be cut with a knife.
Had she really only found out that he was back on the planet twelve hours ago? If felt like twelve years. She was suddenly, inexplicably exhausted.
"How much further?" She finally asked, when she couldn't take the uncomfortable silence any longer.
"Only a couple more hours." Max replied. And then, "Liz, you should go back. Once Michael and Isabel arrive, I want you to take Maria and I want you to go back to Roswell."
Liz turned her head, stared at him. She could tell by the look on his face that he meant it.
"Max, no." She shook her head. "I'm not leaving him."
I'm not leaving [I]you[/I].
The thought ran unbidden through her mind. She suppressed it ruthlessly. This was not about Max and her unresolved feelings for him.
This was entirely about Ben now.
"Liz, this is screwing up your life." Max told her gently. "It's not fair. I promise you that I will keep Ben safe."
"By taking him away." Liz snapped, not really angry, but not able to help her tone.
Max just sighed, didn't reply.
"No." She repeated. And she meant it. "I don't want to discuss it anymore." She added. "You're not going to get rid of me, so just drop it."
There was another long stretch of silence, and then Liz said, "Do you think that Alex knew that he was a father? That he knew what happened?"
She felt Max turn his head, felt his eyes on her questioningly. She ignored the fact that she had so completely changed the subject. "I don't know." Max finally replied. "Do you?"
"He knew he was being mind-warped." Liz answered. "He came out of it right before Tess killed him. Kyle told us that." She added. "I wonder how much of what [I]really[/I] happened, he remembered?"
"Do you think it would have been better if he had known?" Max asked.
"I don't know." Liz felt extremely weary again. She leaned her head against the cool window, closed her eyes. "He didn't love Tess."
"A lot of kids are wanted, even if they aren't conceived in love." Max commented.
Liz opened her eyes, stared straight ahead. "You always loved him. Even though you didn't love Tess." She paused. "It must have hurt to find out he wasn't yours."
"It did at first." Max shrugged. "I felt like I had sacrificed so much for nothing. But then I met him. And I loved him for [I]him[/I]."
"And because he was Alex's."
"Right. And he [I]is[/I] mine in every way that counts."
"Would you ever give him up?" Liz asked cautiously. She couldn't believe she was doing this. But it was a question she had to know the answer to. She wasn't sure why, but she [I]needed[/I] to know. She wondered if a small part of her didn't hope that he said yes, so that she could take Ben and she and Dan could raise him together.
Because that would be safe. She wouldn't have to face Max Evans for the rest of her life. Because if she intended to play an important role in Ben's life, and if Max was his father, she was going to have to.
Max seemed to understand though. He didn't sound angry when he said quietly. "Never." There was another long silence and then Max added. "Liz, you don't have to be with me to be a part of his life. I swear I will never keep him away from you."
Liz didn't answer, just closed her eyes again.
Because that wasn't what was scaring her. She [I]knew[/I] that Max would never keep her away from Ben.
What frightened her was that she was beginning to think that [I]someone[/I] was going to have to keep her away from [I]Max[/I].
Because with every mile they drove, she felt the distance between them disappearing, felt the desire to be with him returning more strongly.
He had been gone for eight years and in twelve hours he was undoing all the pain and heart-break and sorrow he had caused when he had left. How was it even possible? And she didn't even think that he was trying. That was the worst part.
"Max?"
"Yeah?"
She couldn't believe what she was about to ask him. She didn't even know if he would be honest with her now, because she had made it more than clear to him that she was uninterested in any sort of future with him.
"Did you really think that I would be waiting for you when you got back?"
She heard him swallow. Finally, he whispered, "Yes."
Liz didn't say anything else.
Because she wasn't allowed to say what she [I]wanted[/it] to say
Twelve hours ago she would have been angry at him for admitting it.
Now, all she wanted to say was: [I]I wish I had been.[/I]