Part 28
There was a small wind-break of trees at the bottom of the slope on the far side of Atherton's dome. Max stopped there, not wanting to be out of shouting range should anything go awry back up at the house.
For the moment though, he really needed to be alone.
He knew that Liz had not down-played what had happened between them after he had healed her. He also knew that that was what Liz thought had upset him. He had seen the expression of dismay that had crossed her face when Dan had tried to deny the connection that existed between them. She had been upset that he, Max, had been hurt and that she couldn't comfort him, that she could not make her fiancé understand why they would always be important to each other.
It had been in that instant that Max had recognized a very basic fact - one that had totally shocked and, very quickly, horrified, him.
Watching Dan deny the connection, even though Max could see plainly in his rival's eyes that he knew that he was making a fool of himself, had been more than painful, because the realization that had hit Max like a flash of lightening had terrified him.
Because of the connection that existed between them - the unnatural bond that he now knew stemmed from far more than just the fact that he had saved her life that day - Liz was never going to be able to be truly happy with anyone else.
He would always be holding her back. She was never going to be happy. Because what other man would ever accept a woman who's soul already belonged to someone else?
Max had accepted that she did not trust him, that they could not be together, but if they couldn't be, then he at least wanted her to find contentment, joy and a full connection with someone else. But as long as both of them lived, it was going to be impossible. She would always be tied to him, because of Kadiya's sacrifice, and so, would never be able to fully move on.
They were going to torture each other through eternity.
He could bear it for himself - he would bear any burden to be able to continue to love her - but he did not want it for her. Not for Liz. Because he loved her, he did not want her trapped.
Dan might not have been the man that Max would have chosen for her - Max still basically thought he was a pompous ass - but his reaction to the news of Max's otherworldly [I]heritage[/I] had been surprisingly open and accepting. He was [I]not[/I] a bad man. But he was also a man who loved his fiancée and was not going to be able to deal with the fact that she would always be connected to Max on a level that he could not understand, could not share.
No it was the bond between Max and Liz that Dan could not accept, would [I]never[/I] be able to accept. Max certainly did not blame him. He wouldn't want to share her either.
The sheer irony was that Max knew deep in his heart that Dan Riley was absolutely not a threat to the connection he shared with Liz. Because it had been predetermined long before she had even been born.
Destiny could not be fought. He had learned that lesson the hard way one time too many.
And so, Dan and Liz's relationship was doomed. They would try, but it would never work. Especially since Max and Liz were going to constantly see each other because of Ben. Dan was going to slowly be eaten away by jealousy, not really understanding the hold that Max had on his wife's heart.
Max was the only one who [I]really[/I] understood. He knew that it was not real and that it was not fair. Liz was living a new life on Earth. She should have the right to love where she wanted and where she chose. But it was impossible.
He had not wanted to tell her about Kadi - about what she had done - because he had not wanted her to feel compelled to be with him. It was only now that he was beginning to understand that Liz did not [I]need[/I] to know the truth for the sacrifice to affect her.
It was binding her to him anyway, destroying the life she was trying to make for herself. Even if he had never come back, it would have slowly eaten away at Dan and Liz's relationship - maybe not as quickly as Max's presence was doing, but eventually.
She was trapped.
Someday she was going to start to hate him because of the connection, because of the fact that she was never going to be entirely free. Because she couldn't be with him, but she also couldn't fully be with anyone else.
He couldn't bear it - could not bear the thought that she was going to hate him. But he knew that he was going to have to. She had the right. And it was going to happen.
It just seemed so damned unfair that Kadi had sacrificed herself so that they could be together, and yet, in the end, Liz was as doomed as Kadiya had been.
"Max."
He had been aware of her for a while, standing quietly nearby, waiting for him to speak first. He knew that she still thought that he was upset because she had supposedly denied their connection to Dan. He hadn't spoken immediately though, had continued to stare across the desert, continued to watch the sun begin to set in the western sky, had just enjoyed the feeling of her being close.
She was always with him, but might not be physically with him for long. Not after he told her the truth. She was going to run from it. He knew her. She could not be with him, because she did not trust him, but the news that she was never going to be allowed to move on from him...It was going to devastate her.
Liz would not be Liz without her hope. He thought that she was beginning to recognize that perhaps Dan was not the one to help her get over Max, but he also thought that maybe she believed him to be the first step - that maybe the next man would be able to heal her heart, remind her what it was supposed to feel like, what it was like to truly give yourself to another person.
His mind flashed instantly to Liz's comment to him so long ago, when her journal had disappeared and they hadn't known where it was. After it had turned up safe and sound, but not before they had both almost completely panicked, she had needed to tell him why she had written down all the dangerous secrets about him and Michael and Isabel.
[I] "I felt something that I just had to put into words...so years from now, if anyone ever...if anyone ever touches me the way that you did, I'll know what it's supposed to feel like." [/I]
She was never going to have that. With anyone. Because she could not trust him and, yet, no one else could break their bond.
"Max..." Liz spoke again, softly. "I don't know what to say. I am so..."
"Liz, please don't say you're sorry." Max cut her off abruptly, turning around. He could not bear to have her apologize to him - not when he was about to shatter all her dreams. He forced himself to smile at her. "You have absolutely nothing to be sorry about."
Her brow wrinkled in that way it did when she was concerned about something, or someone. She didn't believe him. Of course she didn't. She was [I]Liz[/I]. "Max, I just want you to know, I don't know why Dan did that...why he tried to make it seem that I had somehow downplayed what you did for me...I would [I]never[/I] do that. Whatever issues we might have between us now, I will [I]never[/I] stop being grateful to you that you risked your life for me like that..." She paused, tears shining in her dark eyes. "That you showed me your heart by doing it."
Max swallowed, looked away. "Liz..."
"Max, why does this have to be so complicated?" Liz sighed heavily.
Max just stared at her. Finally he just decided to lay it all out on the table. Better for her to hate him now, right away. He could not bear for it to be slowly, for him to have to watch her gradually come to the realization of what their connection was doing to her, for despair to take over.
"Liz, I need to tell you something." Max began, grimacing. She looked at him in surprise. He could see that she was startled that he didn't sound particularly upset at the moment.
He was hiding it of course. He was more than upset. He was beyond it, into that state of being where you realize that if you let [I]any[/I] emotion through, the tidal wave will destroy you.
"Max, what?" She moved closer. "You can tell me anything. I've told Dan that we're always going to be connected. We'll always be friends."
"Do you still have the ring I gave you yesterday?" He asked quietly, trying to decide where to begin his story.
He saw her eyes widen, saw a flash of fear cross her face. He frowned. "Yes." She finally choked out.
And then he watched in amazement as she reached for the chain around her neck and pulled it out from under her shirt. The ring glinted on the necklace, the blue jewel catching the light of the setting sun.
"You're wearing it?" He whispered, his heart starting to thunder despite himself.
She didn't look at him for a moment, then slowly said, "When I called you last night...when I knew that something had happened to you..." She paused, searching for the words. "It was because I had a dream." Liz looked directly at him, sighing. "Which you obviously already knew from what you said on the phone."
Max nodded. "I had it too. When I was unconscious." He still felt a flash of embarrassment at the stupidity of the fact that he had passed out at all. But getting back into the swing of humanity had been less natural than he had imagined.
"Max, when I woke up, the ring was on my finger." Liz told him bluntly. "Which was a little odd, because of the fact that I had left it buried in the bottom of my purse when I went to bed."
He shook his head. "I'm not surprised Liz. I never should have given that to you." He continued quietly. "It wasn't fair."
"Why?"
"You don't remember the details of the dream..." He paused. "Dream doesn't even seem like the right word Liz."
"What do you mean?" She demanded.
"It was a memory." Max admitted. "Liz, giving you that ring...I was playing a game that I had no right to play."
She was truly frowning now, trying to understand what he was saying to her. "Max, can you stop playing games [I]now?[/I]" She finally queried, beginning to sound a little testy. "Because I don't understand what you're saying."
"Liz, that ring belonged to Kadiya." Max told her bluntly. He watched her eyes widen, saw her finger it slowly, wonder slowly appearing on her face. "It made you able to access Kadi's memories."
There was a long moment of silence. "That doesn't make any sense Max." Liz finally told him, sounding disbelieving.
"It might not Liz, but it's the truth." Max sighed. "You had that dream last night - I had it too. You dreamt about my death on Antar, as Zan, because you lived it. You were there."
She didn't say anything, just continued to finger the ring, a completely blank expression on her face. And so he continued, "When Zan died, Kadiya helped to clone him. She put the ring in his pod and sent it with the ship to Earth. And then she did something that Zan never would have wanted. She took her own life. [I]You[/I] took your own life." He said this last part as gently as he could, but he saw her flinch at it anyway.
Liz's eyes were empty, as though she was looking back, trying to remember something that could [I]not[/I] be remembered. Because while her soul was Kadiya's, she was [I]not[/I] the same person - not in the way [I]he[/I] was.
"If Larek let her help with the cloning, why didn't they just clone her too? Send her instead of Ava?" Liz finally asked, after the silence had stretched out for what felt like an eternity.
"The monarchists, the ones who cloned us because they wanted the Royal Four to come back, would not allow it." Max shook his head. "They were not allowed to be together. Larek accepted that Kadiya loved Zan, felt sorry for her - he is not a hard man after all - but she could not be the one. She knew it, did not even fight it. Because she knew that we would be together one day anyway."
Liz brought a hand up to her forehead, looked like she was about to pass out. "Max, what are you talking about?"
"Liz, you [I]are[/I] Kadiya."
She started to laugh, sounding a little hysterical. "Max, are you insane? That's impossible!"
"No Liz. It's the truth. I'm sorry." He continued urgently. "Liz, when I first found out, I was just overjoyed about it. Finally I understood where the love I had had for you from the first moment I laid eyes on you came from. We were meant to be! I had been right all along." He paused, scrubbed a hand across his face. "But, I'm only beginning to get that there is a dark side to this whole thing. You're trapped. What we did in that past life bonded us in a way that means that we're never going to be able to move on. Either of us."
"I don't understand." Liz shook her head. "Trapped how? We're connected because I [I]know[/I] you Max. You showed me your soul and it was beautiful and I fell in love with you because of it. But I'm not Kadiya. I'm Liz Parker. I am fully human."
"Yes, you are human." Max acknowledged. "But your soul is hers. She killed herself so that it would find me, so that she could be reborn and become a part of my life here."
"Max, that's absurd. How could she know that she would be reborn as me? Here on Earth with you? Are you telling me that not only is reincarnation possible, but that someone can [I]decide[/I] when and where they are going to be reborn?"
He was forced to smile slightly. Of course Liz would have knife sharp questions for him. Her scientific mind was already telling her that none of this was possible, that he was clearly spinning some sort of strange fairy tale in order to try and convince her that they belonged together.
"Not everyone Liz." He shrugged. "It's complicated, but on Antar, there's a bonding ceremony called the [I]Rashna.[/I] It's basically a recognition of a connection like the one shared by Kadi and Zan. They couldn't live without each other. And so they made sure they would never have to. Their souls were linked, for eternity."
Liz put her hands on her hips and glared at him. "That is [I]impossible[/I] Max!" But he could see the interested gleam in her eyes. This was capturing her imagination, just as he had known it would. It was why he hadn't wanted to tell her, had wanted her to figure out who she was on her own, so that when the bond was acknowledged, it would be by her own choice.
"Liz, it [I]is[/I] possible and it happened."
Her eyes were narrowed thoughtfully. "I don't understand why I can't remember the dreams when I wake up then. If I'm really Kadiya...shouldn't I be able to remember them? You remember [I]your[/I] past life!"
"But there's a difference." Max explained. "My soul, essence, whatever the hell you want to call it, was [I]cloned[/I]. I am [I]still[/I] Zan - exactly the same person, only in a different body. You aren't. Your soul is the same as Kadi's, but you're also [I]Liz[/I], an entirely new person." He grimaced. It sounded ludicrous. But he knew it was true. Larek had confirmed that the [I]Rashna[/I] had taken place. "You had the dream because the ring connected you to Kadi...but they're not really [I]your[/I] memories."
Liz rubbed her temples in frustration. "This doesn't make any sense. Max, I know that I fell in love with you - with [I]you![/I] Because you healed me, because you let me see your soul. It's not because of some weird ceremony two other people went through on another planet." She paused. "And none of this even begins to explain why you're so upset. You told me yourself a few minutes ago that you thought this was a [I]good[/I] thing - that it gave you the answers about why you have always felt connected to me, even before the healing."
"Liz, I wasn't upset because Dan was trying to act like the connection doesn't exist. I know it [I]does[/I] and I also know that you would never deny it." Max told her. "I was upset because I finally fully realized what the connection [I]means[/I]."
"What does it mean?"
He moved away from her again, leaned against one of the trees that had been planted as a wind-break. He stared up at the sky, could not look at her. "Do you know how much it hurts to know that you don't trust me?" He finally asked, knowing that she was going to think that he was completely changing the subject, although he wasn't.
There was a long pause. When it went on for close to a minute, he looked over at her. She was standing there staring at him with a strange look on her face.
"Liz, what's wrong?" Max pushed himself forward, concern making his heart stop.
"You once told me you didn't trust me." Liz finally whispered. "After Kyle. Before you went to New York. I know. And I'm sorry."
Max sighed. "Liz, I don't want you to apologize. The point is, I know what it feels like [I]not[/I] to trust the one person you thought you knew better than anyone. I know how [I]you[/I] feel. And I know that we can't be together because you don't trust me. I brought it on myself by leaving without saying goodbye to you. But that's not even the point anymore."
"Max, what is the point?" Her voice sounded frail, like she was on the verge of breaking down.
"Liz, you don't trust me, but you still [I]love[/I] me." Max replied sadly. "Don't you think there's something wrong with that? Something unnatural?"
"I...I don't..." She had tears in her eyes now, was stumbling over her words.
"It's because of this bond, this unnatural connection that Zan and Kadiya created. I once told you that I couldn't bear to ever hurt you. But I've done it again and again. And yet you [I]still[/I] love me. You are a very smart person Liz. I know that you want to be happy, that you think that I could never make you happy, and yet you still love me." He smiled sadly. "And I love you. I always have. We're trapped Liz. And while I don't mind for myself...I would not be the same person if I didn't love you...I can't bear that you're never going to be able to have this connection with someone else. I feel like I've robbed you."
"Max..." Her eyes were bright again, tears apparently never far from the surface whenever she was with him. All he ever did was make her cry. It was all he had ever done.
"All I know Liz is that I want you to be happy. You can't be happy with me, you can't be happy with anyone else. It's the worst possible thing I can think of." He could feel tears filling his own eyes.
Their gazes met. His heart skipped a beat. He could see that she had a look of astonished amazement on her face, like she was truly [I]seeing[/I] him for the first time in practically forever.
It reminded him of the expression that had been on her face after the first time he had connected with her...completely flabbergasted and, yet, enchanted at the same time.
"It's not the worst possible thing." Liz told him, shaking her head. "Losing you was worse. And I'm only now beginning to realize it." She was moving towards him. "And I haven't even told you how glad I am that you're safe and that you're [I]home[/I]."
"Liz, you've told me. And thank you. But I'm only beginning to realize how much it's screwed up your life. And I don't even know if it's worth it."
"Max, it's worth it." Liz insisted. "You brought Ben back to us. You brought us all back together. We missed [I]you[/I]. The real you. And if going halfway across the universe was what it took for you to come back to us, well, I'm beginning to realize that maybe the fact that you left how you did...Maybe I can get past it."
"Liz..."
She cut him off. "You have to let me finish. This has to be said. Max, the person that you were before you left...It wasn't you. [I]She[/I] destroyed you. You were not the same person you were when I first fell in love with you."
"And you got back together with me anyway Liz. Because of the connection, because you had no choice." Max replied, what she was saying only reinforcing to him that he was right - that their connection was not a positive force in her life - that it had not been for a long time.
He had allowed their relationship to erode to such a degree before he left that the gift that Kadiya had given them, this amazing bond that brought them together across the universe, was a curse instead.
"Max, I [I]had[/I] a choice." Liz replied wryly. "I was an eighteen year old girl desperately trying to hold on to the only person I thought I was ever going to love. Dan showed me that wasn't true though. Because I [I]do[/I] love him Max." He tried not to show that it was painful to hear that - he [I]knew[/I] it after all - but he flinched slightly. Liz saw, but continued anyway. "Max, I love Dan, but I'll never love him how I loved [I]you[/I]...the you that saved my life I mean. It's why I couldn't bear it when you left without saying goodbye. If you had done that when we were sophomores, I would have known that it had been because you had had no choice. But I just didn't [I]really[/I] know you anymore. You were this person who told me one week that you wanted to make my dreams come true, and then the next week you let me rob stores with you. The [I]real[/I] you would [I]never[/I] have done that. It took me a long time to accept that you just weren't him anymore. I think maybe that's why I couldn't accept that you weren't coming back for so long. I could [I]not[/I] believe that you weren't. The Max that I loved...he just [I]would[/I] have. He would have come back." She paused, seemed to be watching him to see how he was taking this.
He didn't know [I]how[/I] he was taking it. It hurt to hear her say these things to him - that he had no longer been the person that she had fallen in love with - but he knew that she was right. The whole Tess thing...it had changed him. And not because he had chosen for it to happen.
But telling her the truth about that...She was going to think that he was making excuses, that he didn't deserve everything she was saying to him, that it wasn't all true.
Because, the sheer irony of the whole thing was, he [I]had[/I] been an entirely different person.
And yet...
He had promised himself that he was going to tell her the whole truth. She deserved to know, needed to understand that she had not been a fool, that the [I]real[/I] Max had still existed, but had been unable to fight back any longer...that seeing her in bed with Kyle had weakened him, undermined his belief in himself, so that he had been susceptible to Tess and to all the others who used his own weaknesses against him.
When he just continued to stand there, not saying anything, Liz moved forward, placed a comforting hand on his arm. "Max, I'm not trying to hurt you. The point I'm trying to make here...What you've told me tonight...Seeing you with Ben..." She was searching for words. "I think that you are [I]my[/I] Max again." He blinked, surprised, felt his heart beginning to beat erratically, suddenly so full of hope, he didn't quite know how to deal with it.
How had this happened? He had been apologizing to her for the fact that she was never going to be able to move on, that he was going to make her miserable for the rest of her life, and suddenly...suddenly it seemed like maybe she was willing to give him another chance.
And he hadn't even told her the whole truth.
She smiled up at him gently. "Max, I can see you struggling with these decisions you have to make, with the desire to protect the people you love, and I know that they're the same feelings you had [I]before[/I] Tess. I know what you were like then. But what you became after Alex died...even [I]after[/I] Tess left, you were just never the same. You talk about [I]me[/I] being trapped...but it was you Max. You were the one trapped in someone I didn't even recognize."
He knew that he had to speak, that she must be waiting for him to say something. "Liz..."
Liz brought her hand up and gently laid her fingertips against his lips. "Max, don't say anything. I know already. You [I]weren't[/I] yourself, were you? Even after she was gone? There's more to the fact that Ben isn't your son than you've told me. Isn't there?"
He swallowed, closed his eyes for a moment. He knew it was time to tell her everything. She wanted to know and he couldn't [I]not[/I] tell her just because it might affect her decision about whether she wanted to marry Dan or not. He couldn't make those choices for her, even if he thought he was protecting her.
Enough had already been decided for her in another lifetime. He couldn't do it for her any longer.
"You're right. About everything. The person I was when I left...it wasn't me. She...she [I]changed[/I] me. And she wasn't the only one. By the time I knew about it, by the time I was strong enough to fight back...there was only one thing left to do to completely free myself." He stared right into her eyes as he told her the whole truth. "I had to kill them all."
To be continued...
There was a small wind-break of trees at the bottom of the slope on the far side of Atherton's dome. Max stopped there, not wanting to be out of shouting range should anything go awry back up at the house.
For the moment though, he really needed to be alone.
He knew that Liz had not down-played what had happened between them after he had healed her. He also knew that that was what Liz thought had upset him. He had seen the expression of dismay that had crossed her face when Dan had tried to deny the connection that existed between them. She had been upset that he, Max, had been hurt and that she couldn't comfort him, that she could not make her fiancé understand why they would always be important to each other.
It had been in that instant that Max had recognized a very basic fact - one that had totally shocked and, very quickly, horrified, him.
Watching Dan deny the connection, even though Max could see plainly in his rival's eyes that he knew that he was making a fool of himself, had been more than painful, because the realization that had hit Max like a flash of lightening had terrified him.
Because of the connection that existed between them - the unnatural bond that he now knew stemmed from far more than just the fact that he had saved her life that day - Liz was never going to be able to be truly happy with anyone else.
He would always be holding her back. She was never going to be happy. Because what other man would ever accept a woman who's soul already belonged to someone else?
Max had accepted that she did not trust him, that they could not be together, but if they couldn't be, then he at least wanted her to find contentment, joy and a full connection with someone else. But as long as both of them lived, it was going to be impossible. She would always be tied to him, because of Kadiya's sacrifice, and so, would never be able to fully move on.
They were going to torture each other through eternity.
He could bear it for himself - he would bear any burden to be able to continue to love her - but he did not want it for her. Not for Liz. Because he loved her, he did not want her trapped.
Dan might not have been the man that Max would have chosen for her - Max still basically thought he was a pompous ass - but his reaction to the news of Max's otherworldly [I]heritage[/I] had been surprisingly open and accepting. He was [I]not[/I] a bad man. But he was also a man who loved his fiancée and was not going to be able to deal with the fact that she would always be connected to Max on a level that he could not understand, could not share.
No it was the bond between Max and Liz that Dan could not accept, would [I]never[/I] be able to accept. Max certainly did not blame him. He wouldn't want to share her either.
The sheer irony was that Max knew deep in his heart that Dan Riley was absolutely not a threat to the connection he shared with Liz. Because it had been predetermined long before she had even been born.
Destiny could not be fought. He had learned that lesson the hard way one time too many.
And so, Dan and Liz's relationship was doomed. They would try, but it would never work. Especially since Max and Liz were going to constantly see each other because of Ben. Dan was going to slowly be eaten away by jealousy, not really understanding the hold that Max had on his wife's heart.
Max was the only one who [I]really[/I] understood. He knew that it was not real and that it was not fair. Liz was living a new life on Earth. She should have the right to love where she wanted and where she chose. But it was impossible.
He had not wanted to tell her about Kadi - about what she had done - because he had not wanted her to feel compelled to be with him. It was only now that he was beginning to understand that Liz did not [I]need[/I] to know the truth for the sacrifice to affect her.
It was binding her to him anyway, destroying the life she was trying to make for herself. Even if he had never come back, it would have slowly eaten away at Dan and Liz's relationship - maybe not as quickly as Max's presence was doing, but eventually.
She was trapped.
Someday she was going to start to hate him because of the connection, because of the fact that she was never going to be entirely free. Because she couldn't be with him, but she also couldn't fully be with anyone else.
He couldn't bear it - could not bear the thought that she was going to hate him. But he knew that he was going to have to. She had the right. And it was going to happen.
It just seemed so damned unfair that Kadi had sacrificed herself so that they could be together, and yet, in the end, Liz was as doomed as Kadiya had been.
"Max."
He had been aware of her for a while, standing quietly nearby, waiting for him to speak first. He knew that she still thought that he was upset because she had supposedly denied their connection to Dan. He hadn't spoken immediately though, had continued to stare across the desert, continued to watch the sun begin to set in the western sky, had just enjoyed the feeling of her being close.
She was always with him, but might not be physically with him for long. Not after he told her the truth. She was going to run from it. He knew her. She could not be with him, because she did not trust him, but the news that she was never going to be allowed to move on from him...It was going to devastate her.
Liz would not be Liz without her hope. He thought that she was beginning to recognize that perhaps Dan was not the one to help her get over Max, but he also thought that maybe she believed him to be the first step - that maybe the next man would be able to heal her heart, remind her what it was supposed to feel like, what it was like to truly give yourself to another person.
His mind flashed instantly to Liz's comment to him so long ago, when her journal had disappeared and they hadn't known where it was. After it had turned up safe and sound, but not before they had both almost completely panicked, she had needed to tell him why she had written down all the dangerous secrets about him and Michael and Isabel.
[I] "I felt something that I just had to put into words...so years from now, if anyone ever...if anyone ever touches me the way that you did, I'll know what it's supposed to feel like." [/I]
She was never going to have that. With anyone. Because she could not trust him and, yet, no one else could break their bond.
"Max..." Liz spoke again, softly. "I don't know what to say. I am so..."
"Liz, please don't say you're sorry." Max cut her off abruptly, turning around. He could not bear to have her apologize to him - not when he was about to shatter all her dreams. He forced himself to smile at her. "You have absolutely nothing to be sorry about."
Her brow wrinkled in that way it did when she was concerned about something, or someone. She didn't believe him. Of course she didn't. She was [I]Liz[/I]. "Max, I just want you to know, I don't know why Dan did that...why he tried to make it seem that I had somehow downplayed what you did for me...I would [I]never[/I] do that. Whatever issues we might have between us now, I will [I]never[/I] stop being grateful to you that you risked your life for me like that..." She paused, tears shining in her dark eyes. "That you showed me your heart by doing it."
Max swallowed, looked away. "Liz..."
"Max, why does this have to be so complicated?" Liz sighed heavily.
Max just stared at her. Finally he just decided to lay it all out on the table. Better for her to hate him now, right away. He could not bear for it to be slowly, for him to have to watch her gradually come to the realization of what their connection was doing to her, for despair to take over.
"Liz, I need to tell you something." Max began, grimacing. She looked at him in surprise. He could see that she was startled that he didn't sound particularly upset at the moment.
He was hiding it of course. He was more than upset. He was beyond it, into that state of being where you realize that if you let [I]any[/I] emotion through, the tidal wave will destroy you.
"Max, what?" She moved closer. "You can tell me anything. I've told Dan that we're always going to be connected. We'll always be friends."
"Do you still have the ring I gave you yesterday?" He asked quietly, trying to decide where to begin his story.
He saw her eyes widen, saw a flash of fear cross her face. He frowned. "Yes." She finally choked out.
And then he watched in amazement as she reached for the chain around her neck and pulled it out from under her shirt. The ring glinted on the necklace, the blue jewel catching the light of the setting sun.
"You're wearing it?" He whispered, his heart starting to thunder despite himself.
She didn't look at him for a moment, then slowly said, "When I called you last night...when I knew that something had happened to you..." She paused, searching for the words. "It was because I had a dream." Liz looked directly at him, sighing. "Which you obviously already knew from what you said on the phone."
Max nodded. "I had it too. When I was unconscious." He still felt a flash of embarrassment at the stupidity of the fact that he had passed out at all. But getting back into the swing of humanity had been less natural than he had imagined.
"Max, when I woke up, the ring was on my finger." Liz told him bluntly. "Which was a little odd, because of the fact that I had left it buried in the bottom of my purse when I went to bed."
He shook his head. "I'm not surprised Liz. I never should have given that to you." He continued quietly. "It wasn't fair."
"Why?"
"You don't remember the details of the dream..." He paused. "Dream doesn't even seem like the right word Liz."
"What do you mean?" She demanded.
"It was a memory." Max admitted. "Liz, giving you that ring...I was playing a game that I had no right to play."
She was truly frowning now, trying to understand what he was saying to her. "Max, can you stop playing games [I]now?[/I]" She finally queried, beginning to sound a little testy. "Because I don't understand what you're saying."
"Liz, that ring belonged to Kadiya." Max told her bluntly. He watched her eyes widen, saw her finger it slowly, wonder slowly appearing on her face. "It made you able to access Kadi's memories."
There was a long moment of silence. "That doesn't make any sense Max." Liz finally told him, sounding disbelieving.
"It might not Liz, but it's the truth." Max sighed. "You had that dream last night - I had it too. You dreamt about my death on Antar, as Zan, because you lived it. You were there."
She didn't say anything, just continued to finger the ring, a completely blank expression on her face. And so he continued, "When Zan died, Kadiya helped to clone him. She put the ring in his pod and sent it with the ship to Earth. And then she did something that Zan never would have wanted. She took her own life. [I]You[/I] took your own life." He said this last part as gently as he could, but he saw her flinch at it anyway.
Liz's eyes were empty, as though she was looking back, trying to remember something that could [I]not[/I] be remembered. Because while her soul was Kadiya's, she was [I]not[/I] the same person - not in the way [I]he[/I] was.
"If Larek let her help with the cloning, why didn't they just clone her too? Send her instead of Ava?" Liz finally asked, after the silence had stretched out for what felt like an eternity.
"The monarchists, the ones who cloned us because they wanted the Royal Four to come back, would not allow it." Max shook his head. "They were not allowed to be together. Larek accepted that Kadiya loved Zan, felt sorry for her - he is not a hard man after all - but she could not be the one. She knew it, did not even fight it. Because she knew that we would be together one day anyway."
Liz brought a hand up to her forehead, looked like she was about to pass out. "Max, what are you talking about?"
"Liz, you [I]are[/I] Kadiya."
She started to laugh, sounding a little hysterical. "Max, are you insane? That's impossible!"
"No Liz. It's the truth. I'm sorry." He continued urgently. "Liz, when I first found out, I was just overjoyed about it. Finally I understood where the love I had had for you from the first moment I laid eyes on you came from. We were meant to be! I had been right all along." He paused, scrubbed a hand across his face. "But, I'm only beginning to get that there is a dark side to this whole thing. You're trapped. What we did in that past life bonded us in a way that means that we're never going to be able to move on. Either of us."
"I don't understand." Liz shook her head. "Trapped how? We're connected because I [I]know[/I] you Max. You showed me your soul and it was beautiful and I fell in love with you because of it. But I'm not Kadiya. I'm Liz Parker. I am fully human."
"Yes, you are human." Max acknowledged. "But your soul is hers. She killed herself so that it would find me, so that she could be reborn and become a part of my life here."
"Max, that's absurd. How could she know that she would be reborn as me? Here on Earth with you? Are you telling me that not only is reincarnation possible, but that someone can [I]decide[/I] when and where they are going to be reborn?"
He was forced to smile slightly. Of course Liz would have knife sharp questions for him. Her scientific mind was already telling her that none of this was possible, that he was clearly spinning some sort of strange fairy tale in order to try and convince her that they belonged together.
"Not everyone Liz." He shrugged. "It's complicated, but on Antar, there's a bonding ceremony called the [I]Rashna.[/I] It's basically a recognition of a connection like the one shared by Kadi and Zan. They couldn't live without each other. And so they made sure they would never have to. Their souls were linked, for eternity."
Liz put her hands on her hips and glared at him. "That is [I]impossible[/I] Max!" But he could see the interested gleam in her eyes. This was capturing her imagination, just as he had known it would. It was why he hadn't wanted to tell her, had wanted her to figure out who she was on her own, so that when the bond was acknowledged, it would be by her own choice.
"Liz, it [I]is[/I] possible and it happened."
Her eyes were narrowed thoughtfully. "I don't understand why I can't remember the dreams when I wake up then. If I'm really Kadiya...shouldn't I be able to remember them? You remember [I]your[/I] past life!"
"But there's a difference." Max explained. "My soul, essence, whatever the hell you want to call it, was [I]cloned[/I]. I am [I]still[/I] Zan - exactly the same person, only in a different body. You aren't. Your soul is the same as Kadi's, but you're also [I]Liz[/I], an entirely new person." He grimaced. It sounded ludicrous. But he knew it was true. Larek had confirmed that the [I]Rashna[/I] had taken place. "You had the dream because the ring connected you to Kadi...but they're not really [I]your[/I] memories."
Liz rubbed her temples in frustration. "This doesn't make any sense. Max, I know that I fell in love with you - with [I]you![/I] Because you healed me, because you let me see your soul. It's not because of some weird ceremony two other people went through on another planet." She paused. "And none of this even begins to explain why you're so upset. You told me yourself a few minutes ago that you thought this was a [I]good[/I] thing - that it gave you the answers about why you have always felt connected to me, even before the healing."
"Liz, I wasn't upset because Dan was trying to act like the connection doesn't exist. I know it [I]does[/I] and I also know that you would never deny it." Max told her. "I was upset because I finally fully realized what the connection [I]means[/I]."
"What does it mean?"
He moved away from her again, leaned against one of the trees that had been planted as a wind-break. He stared up at the sky, could not look at her. "Do you know how much it hurts to know that you don't trust me?" He finally asked, knowing that she was going to think that he was completely changing the subject, although he wasn't.
There was a long pause. When it went on for close to a minute, he looked over at her. She was standing there staring at him with a strange look on her face.
"Liz, what's wrong?" Max pushed himself forward, concern making his heart stop.
"You once told me you didn't trust me." Liz finally whispered. "After Kyle. Before you went to New York. I know. And I'm sorry."
Max sighed. "Liz, I don't want you to apologize. The point is, I know what it feels like [I]not[/I] to trust the one person you thought you knew better than anyone. I know how [I]you[/I] feel. And I know that we can't be together because you don't trust me. I brought it on myself by leaving without saying goodbye to you. But that's not even the point anymore."
"Max, what is the point?" Her voice sounded frail, like she was on the verge of breaking down.
"Liz, you don't trust me, but you still [I]love[/I] me." Max replied sadly. "Don't you think there's something wrong with that? Something unnatural?"
"I...I don't..." She had tears in her eyes now, was stumbling over her words.
"It's because of this bond, this unnatural connection that Zan and Kadiya created. I once told you that I couldn't bear to ever hurt you. But I've done it again and again. And yet you [I]still[/I] love me. You are a very smart person Liz. I know that you want to be happy, that you think that I could never make you happy, and yet you still love me." He smiled sadly. "And I love you. I always have. We're trapped Liz. And while I don't mind for myself...I would not be the same person if I didn't love you...I can't bear that you're never going to be able to have this connection with someone else. I feel like I've robbed you."
"Max..." Her eyes were bright again, tears apparently never far from the surface whenever she was with him. All he ever did was make her cry. It was all he had ever done.
"All I know Liz is that I want you to be happy. You can't be happy with me, you can't be happy with anyone else. It's the worst possible thing I can think of." He could feel tears filling his own eyes.
Their gazes met. His heart skipped a beat. He could see that she had a look of astonished amazement on her face, like she was truly [I]seeing[/I] him for the first time in practically forever.
It reminded him of the expression that had been on her face after the first time he had connected with her...completely flabbergasted and, yet, enchanted at the same time.
"It's not the worst possible thing." Liz told him, shaking her head. "Losing you was worse. And I'm only now beginning to realize it." She was moving towards him. "And I haven't even told you how glad I am that you're safe and that you're [I]home[/I]."
"Liz, you've told me. And thank you. But I'm only beginning to realize how much it's screwed up your life. And I don't even know if it's worth it."
"Max, it's worth it." Liz insisted. "You brought Ben back to us. You brought us all back together. We missed [I]you[/I]. The real you. And if going halfway across the universe was what it took for you to come back to us, well, I'm beginning to realize that maybe the fact that you left how you did...Maybe I can get past it."
"Liz..."
She cut him off. "You have to let me finish. This has to be said. Max, the person that you were before you left...It wasn't you. [I]She[/I] destroyed you. You were not the same person you were when I first fell in love with you."
"And you got back together with me anyway Liz. Because of the connection, because you had no choice." Max replied, what she was saying only reinforcing to him that he was right - that their connection was not a positive force in her life - that it had not been for a long time.
He had allowed their relationship to erode to such a degree before he left that the gift that Kadiya had given them, this amazing bond that brought them together across the universe, was a curse instead.
"Max, I [I]had[/I] a choice." Liz replied wryly. "I was an eighteen year old girl desperately trying to hold on to the only person I thought I was ever going to love. Dan showed me that wasn't true though. Because I [I]do[/I] love him Max." He tried not to show that it was painful to hear that - he [I]knew[/I] it after all - but he flinched slightly. Liz saw, but continued anyway. "Max, I love Dan, but I'll never love him how I loved [I]you[/I]...the you that saved my life I mean. It's why I couldn't bear it when you left without saying goodbye. If you had done that when we were sophomores, I would have known that it had been because you had had no choice. But I just didn't [I]really[/I] know you anymore. You were this person who told me one week that you wanted to make my dreams come true, and then the next week you let me rob stores with you. The [I]real[/I] you would [I]never[/I] have done that. It took me a long time to accept that you just weren't him anymore. I think maybe that's why I couldn't accept that you weren't coming back for so long. I could [I]not[/I] believe that you weren't. The Max that I loved...he just [I]would[/I] have. He would have come back." She paused, seemed to be watching him to see how he was taking this.
He didn't know [I]how[/I] he was taking it. It hurt to hear her say these things to him - that he had no longer been the person that she had fallen in love with - but he knew that she was right. The whole Tess thing...it had changed him. And not because he had chosen for it to happen.
But telling her the truth about that...She was going to think that he was making excuses, that he didn't deserve everything she was saying to him, that it wasn't all true.
Because, the sheer irony of the whole thing was, he [I]had[/I] been an entirely different person.
And yet...
He had promised himself that he was going to tell her the whole truth. She deserved to know, needed to understand that she had not been a fool, that the [I]real[/I] Max had still existed, but had been unable to fight back any longer...that seeing her in bed with Kyle had weakened him, undermined his belief in himself, so that he had been susceptible to Tess and to all the others who used his own weaknesses against him.
When he just continued to stand there, not saying anything, Liz moved forward, placed a comforting hand on his arm. "Max, I'm not trying to hurt you. The point I'm trying to make here...What you've told me tonight...Seeing you with Ben..." She was searching for words. "I think that you are [I]my[/I] Max again." He blinked, surprised, felt his heart beginning to beat erratically, suddenly so full of hope, he didn't quite know how to deal with it.
How had this happened? He had been apologizing to her for the fact that she was never going to be able to move on, that he was going to make her miserable for the rest of her life, and suddenly...suddenly it seemed like maybe she was willing to give him another chance.
And he hadn't even told her the whole truth.
She smiled up at him gently. "Max, I can see you struggling with these decisions you have to make, with the desire to protect the people you love, and I know that they're the same feelings you had [I]before[/I] Tess. I know what you were like then. But what you became after Alex died...even [I]after[/I] Tess left, you were just never the same. You talk about [I]me[/I] being trapped...but it was you Max. You were the one trapped in someone I didn't even recognize."
He knew that he had to speak, that she must be waiting for him to say something. "Liz..."
Liz brought her hand up and gently laid her fingertips against his lips. "Max, don't say anything. I know already. You [I]weren't[/I] yourself, were you? Even after she was gone? There's more to the fact that Ben isn't your son than you've told me. Isn't there?"
He swallowed, closed his eyes for a moment. He knew it was time to tell her everything. She wanted to know and he couldn't [I]not[/I] tell her just because it might affect her decision about whether she wanted to marry Dan or not. He couldn't make those choices for her, even if he thought he was protecting her.
Enough had already been decided for her in another lifetime. He couldn't do it for her any longer.
"You're right. About everything. The person I was when I left...it wasn't me. She...she [I]changed[/I] me. And she wasn't the only one. By the time I knew about it, by the time I was strong enough to fight back...there was only one thing left to do to completely free myself." He stared right into her eyes as he told her the whole truth. "I had to kill them all."
To be continued...