Part 29
Liz felt a chill descend her spine at the expression on Max's face.
[I]I had to kill them all.[/I]
He was not sorry. The guilt that he was carrying, the sorrow that he had told her about on the car ride to Marathon, that he had been responsible for the deaths of so many people - it did not extend to whoever he was talking about now. She could almost read the shame of it in his eyes.
He was not guilty that he had killed [I]them[/I], but he was guilty that he didn't feel the horror that he knew he should.
"Tell me," she whispered.
It was time for it all to come out in the open. He had been confessing little pieces of it since she had first seen him again. But she could see that he was finally going to tell her [I]everything[/I].
It was frightening - and yet strangely comforting. No more secrets.
And maybe, finally, there would be some answers.
She saw his jaw clench. He closed his eyes briefly, then turned away.
"You know that I killed Khivar and Tess?" He began quietly, so softly she had to strain her ears to hear him.
"Yes." She wanted to move closer to him, wanted to take his hand, but she knew that it would not help him now. It would simply distract him, upset him, because he truly seemed to believe that the connection that existed between them - that made her [I]need[/I] to comfort him because she could [I]feel[/I] the pain coming off of him in waves - was a curse, that she was destined never to be happy because of it.
She didn't buy it. Not at all. Whoever he seemed to think she had been in a past life, she knew who she was now. She was Liz Parker and she knew that she felt this way about [I]Max Evans[/I], not about some alien king he had once been. The flashes they had shared, the many times she had seen into his soul - that had been all Max.
It was Max she loved, felt bonded to.
It reminded her that she was beginning to realize that she didn't really care how she was [I]supposed[/I] to feel, that she supposedly didn't trust him. Right now he needed her and she was going to be there for him.
Liz moved forward, gently took Max's hand. He turned in surprise, but didn't pull away. He just looked resigned, as though he thought she didn't have any choice in the matter, that the connection was making her do things she didn't necessarily want to.
"I killed Tess first. She was going to kill Ben, I had no choice." His voice was distant again, as he remembered the circumstances of his son's mother's death. "It was about five years after I left here."
That would have been three years ago - in fact the year that she, Liz, had officially started dating Dan. They had been friends for much longer of course, but it was only three years ago that Liz had allowed herself to actually start to feel something for someone again. She had been ready to move on while Max had been taking the first step towards finally being able to come home. Ironic that.
"After Tess died, after Ben was safe - or at least as safe as he was ever going to be on Antar - it was only then that I began to understand what was going on. Because when she died...I can't really explain what it felt like Liz. It felt like something [I]opened[/I] up inside me. Something I hadn't really missed until it was back."
"What do you mean?" Liz asked.
"It was [I]me[/I]. Or at least my control over who I was, how I acted." Max shrugged, meeting her eyes again. "I don't know how to say it except to say that. It was like a window opened. Something that had been missing just came [I]back[/I]. I guess you could call it self-awareness."
"Are you saying that Tess was controlling you somehow? That her death ended it?"
"That's [I]exactly[/I] what I mean. Although not quite either. It was like everything I felt, believed was muted. Not necessarily non-existent. Just not quite as important as it had once been." Max replied. "And after she died, that part of me was freed - the part that [I]felt[/I]. And it was only then that I was able to understand that she wasn't the only one doing it either." He continued grimly. "Because I began to [I]feel[/I] them - the others. The death of Tess made it so the rest of them couldn't hide. With one of them gone, the intricate web they had woven in my mind began to crumble. I just suddenly understood that my mind was not my own and had [I]not[/I] been for a very long time."
"How long?"
"Since the summit in New York. I don't know if I ever told you this Liz, but when I was there, Rath took me to meet this guy named the Emissary. It was so that I could be [I]certified[/I] as the rightful king, which I supposedly was - or at least that's what they told me." His tone was angry, self-berating. "I was so stupid to have trusted [I]any[/I] of them - especially Tess, because I knew what she was, had known since she first came to Roswell - but my only excuse was that my whole world was a mess. I felt so lost. Not feeling like I could trust [I]you[/I], or Isabel or Michael...everyone important to me was just [I]gone[/I]. So I let them do what they wanted to me. And nothing that had happened in Roswell seemed quite as important after it was done. All of my feelings about Antar and being an alien changed. At the time I just thought that it was being face to face with who I really was made me see everything differently. It wasn't until Tess died that I knew that they had actually done some physical to my mind."
"What happened? How did they do it?" Liz squeezed his hand, trying to convey to him that she understood how events could swing completely out of one's control very easily. Hadn't the same thing been happening to her ever since he had returned?
"Rath and I went to see the Emissary and he did something to me. He supposedly revealed the royal seal or some such nonsense." Max rolled his eyes. "I bought it all because I saw it and they talked about it at the summit. It was only on Antar that I began to understand that everyone at that table in New York knew exactly what it meant. It meant that they had branded me, could manipulate me through the seal. Every person sitting at that table now had control of me. One representative from each planet had a stake in the scheme, although one of the planet's - Kathanna's - let Tess hold its reins. Ava was Kathanna's sister it turns out."
"But you didn't take the deal Max. You told me that at the time. If they controlled you, shouldn't you have agreed to go home with the granolith?" Liz felt a little confused. Max had told her the basic gist about the summit in New York after he had returned to Roswell at the time, but not everything. She knew that it had not been a pleasant experience for him, and, upon returning, he had been much more focused on the fact that Liz had been able to save his life.
"There were a couple of factors working against them." Max replied wryly. "First of all, they all hated each other and didn't trust what anyone else wanted to make me do, so even though they had the power, they couldn't figure out how to use it. Not to mention, Khivar was really the one in control and he didn't want me back. He just wanted me dead. The only reason any of the rest of them wanted me back at all was because their planets were all about to overthrow them. It turns out that Zan was pretty much the most popular of any of them and they felt that if he returned to the high kingship, the populace would settle and they could regain control of their thrones."
"But if what you're saying is true, then Larek was working against you too!" Liz exclaimed.
"Well, technically. He [I]was[/I] my friend and he only took a place in the whole thing because he was hoping to be able to counteract a lot of the stuff the rest of them wanted to make me do. But, in a way, I think he wanted to be able to control me too." Max shook his head sadly. "Larek was a good man, but he really did not [I]get[/I] Zan at all. They grew up together so they were close that way, but it was not a relationship of what you might call understanding, but more one of shared history. It wasn't like Zan's relationship with Rath for example - the first Rath I mean. They agreed on [I]everything[/I]."
"I guess the whole Kadiya thing supports that." Liz agreed. She looked at Max closely. "You used the past tense when referring to Larek. You've never done that before Max." She paused, watched a vein in his neck spasm slightly as he swallowed and looked away. "Was he someone you had to kill too?" She whispered, her heart going out to him. Because, even though, in many ways, Larek had screwed up Zan's life considerably by doing what [I]he[/I] had thought was right for the monarchy, they had still been friends.
"I didn't have to kill Larek. I would have left him alone. I trusted him not to mess with me. It was only the other four I needed dead." Max replied distantly, as though remembering. "When I confronted Larek about the whole thing after Tess died, he admitted it openly, apologized for having concealed it at all. I accepted his apology, told him we could move forward. But only on one condition. He had to help me get Ben off the planet." Max closed his eyes.
Liz realized almost immediately what had happened. "He couldn't agree to that."
"No." Max sighed. "His entire life had revolved around the restoration of the monarchy. It was why he had helped to clone me in the first place. If he just let me go..."
"His life's work would have been worthless." Liz shook her head sympathetically, sorry for what Larek's beliefs had forced Max to do.
"I couldn't do it though Liz." Max whispered. "I just couldn't. He had been so good to me. So I let him go. He went and joined Khivar, even though it was against everything he believed in. Khivar was a usurper...but at least he wanted to be king, which was better than nothing."
"What happened then?"
"I went after Sero and Hanar, the leaders of two of the other planets." Max told her grimly. "They knew I was coming. They had felt Tess's death, knew what it was going to mean for them. Sero tried to hide from me, but I found him fairly easily. Turns out the connection went both ways. Once I was aware of him, he couldn't keep me out of [I]his[/I] mind either. Hanar was different. He met me honorably, knew that he had lost, knew that I was stronger than he was. I killed them both easily." The way Max said that, it made Liz's heart go out to him again. Because, despite the fact that he was not sorry he had done it, she could tell from the flat way he said all of this that it had [I]not[/I] been easy to take the lives of Sero and Hanar, especially because with each of their deaths he was returning more fully to being who had had been on Earth.
And Max Evans would have cared, as much as he tried to deny it. He [I]did[/I] care.
"And then only Khivar and Larek were left," he continued. "Once I got rid of them, my mind would be my own again. Not to mention, the five planets would be able to align themselves to move towards democracy. The deaths of Sero and Hanar liberated their people to move in that direction. They all wanted it by then. After the original deaths of the Royal Four, their rulers had basically turned into tyrants, trying to put down the democratic movement that Zan had started. With them gone, there was nothing holding them back any longer."
Liz frowned slightly. "Max, I believe you about all of this. But what does it have to do with the stuff that happened here on Earth after the summit in New York? You were definitely yourself most of the time after that." She blinked at the intense way he was looking at her. He was smiling slightly. It made her heart start to thump in her chest.
She could see how much he loved her in his eyes. Something about what she had said had made him look that way.
"It's not hard for me to believe that you don't understand that Liz." Max finally said, reaching up and pushing a strand of hair that was blowing across her face behind her ear. "You never did totally understand how much my well-being was linked to you. I told you that there were a couple of reasons that the seal was not entirely successful. The second was you."
"What do you mean?" She could feel herself falling under the spell of his eyes, the way the shone only for her when he looked at her.
"Seeing you in New York brought me back from the place of self-pity I had been inhabiting since I saw you in bed with Kyle." Max replied. "Any time I had any positive interactions with you after the summit - it lessened their hold on me. I told you once that loving you made me human. Well, it's true Liz. When I had hope that we might find our way back to each other, my human side won out over the alien. And it was the alien side that was branded, controlled." He looked away. "It was only when I had absolutely no hope that we were ever going to get back together that I let that side take over. After Alex's death."
Liz felt her eyes widen in horror. "Because I blamed you for it."
He looked at her sharply. "No Liz. I knew right from the beginning that you didn't blame me. And I knew that you were right. Deep down I knew it and I just couldn't accept it. It wasn't your fault. As always, you were just trying to make me see what was right in front of my face. But I just couldn't deal with the fact that someone I actually cared about had been killed because of who - of [I]what[/I] - I was." Max ran a hand through his hair in frustration. "It was all Tess needed to activate the seal. Because I was so angry at you, she was finally able to break through the connection. It was the only thing still protecting me, and with it gone, [I]I[/I] was gone. My alien side fully emerged."
"Oh Max." Liz whispered, felt tears filling her eyes. "You [I]did[/I] sleep with her then." It was only then that Liz understood how much she had hoped that this was where he had been leading - to telling her that it had all been a lie, that none of it had ever happened. That Tess had only pretended, had changed his memories so that he would [I]think[/I] that he had.
It hurt - a lot - that it had all been true. That Max's first time had been with someone he didn't even love.
But when she finally met his eyes, she could see that he was still smiling slightly. "No Liz."
"What?" Liz demanded, more rudely than she intended.
"I didn't sleep with her."
"I don't understand!" She stared at him. "Why wouldn't she have wanted that to happen?"
"It didn't have to." Max replied. "She was already pregnant. She [I]hated[/I] me Liz. The last thing she wanted was to sleep with me." He shuddered at the thought. "See, the thing was, Tess [I]remembered[/I] being Ava. She had [I]always[/I] remembered. She knew how it had been between Zan and Kadi and she hated me because of it. Before she left in the granolith, she screamed at me about being my wife, that I had always put [I]you[/I] ahead of her. I didn't get then that she wasn't just talking about in [I]this[/I] life. Because, obviously, she [I]wasn't[/I] my wife on Earth. Not in any way that I would recognize, being so attached to my humanity - and she knew it. She knew me better than I knew myself it turns out. And she despised me. She was only using me to get home. Because Khivar didn't really need her without me."
"Okay, so she [I]did[/I] mindwarp you?"
"Sort of. The seal had the added bonus for those who had access to it that it hid when mind-based powers were being used on someone. Anyone with a drop of Antarian blood in their veins would have known if they were being mindwarped. The seal blocked me from being able to do that. Nasedo told Michael that our gifts were human, but he was not entirely truthful about that. It's unlikely that regular humans will ever be able to access them. It's our Antarian blood that makes it possible for us to use them. My Antarian blood is also the reason that I was so suspicious of Tess when she first came to Roswell. I [I]knew[/I] that those thoughts I was having about her were [I]not[/I] mine." Max paused, then looked right at her. "I didn't sleep with Tess."
"Oh." It was all Liz could think of to say. Her mind was whirling in about a million different directions.
"Liz, whether I did or didn't - it doesn't matter." Max told her quietly. "I don't expect it to change things. I know that you want to be with Dan and I'm really hoping that it works out for you." He didn't sound very convinced that it was going to though. Liz felt a flash of anger run through her. She knew exactly what he was thinking - that the connection that Zan and Kadiya had created was dooming her relationship with Dan, whether she wanted it to end or not.
"Max, you don't know anything." Liz told him evenly. "How can you? [I]I[/I] don't even know what I want anymore."
"I'm sorry Liz."
"Don't apologize." Liz replied calmly. "None of this is either of our fault. It's just a gigantic mess is what it is. We need to finish this Max. Once and for all. My trust issues are not because of Tess and what supposedly did or did not happen with her anyway. They're with the fact that you left with even saying goodbye. But if that wasn't even really [I]you[/I] than how can I even justify having them?"
"Liz, you're allowed to feel however you want. Just because my behavior after New York does have some basis in things beyond my control, it doesn't mean that I wasn't still a Max that you had to deal with - one that hurt you. I never doubted that I loved you, you know." He sighed. "I knew I did. And that I loved Michael and Isabel and Maria too. But I just couldn't [I]feel[/I] it. I could not get a grip on how I was supposed to behave to show it. I hurt all of you - constantly. First Izzy with the whole school thing and then by telling her that she couldn't marry Jesse. You with so many insensitive comments, I can't even remember them all, which makes it ten times worse. Even things I said to Michael..." Max closed his eyes, shook his head. "I was an ass. And while the seal was partly to blame, none of you knew that. You were hurt and you have every right not to trust me. Because it's not really an excuse anyway. I don't want to use it as one. I'm only telling you about it because I made a vow to myself recently that I'm not going to lie to you any longer. I just refuse to do it."
Liz listened to him, even [I]heard[/I] him, although the temptation to just kiss him and end all of these doubts was beginning to take over as he spoke. Couldn't things just be uncomplicated for once? Couldn't she just take what she wanted? Because what she really wanted to do was tell him that it was going to be all right. That the truth made her want to give their relationship a second chance.
But she couldn't tell him that. Not right now. Her emotions were in complete turmoil. She could not tell him anything of the sort until she was absolutely sure, until everything else in her life had been straightened out.
Because they still had to deal with Dan, with Vick, with the FBI and with Nicholas. Their future was going to have to wait.
She also didn't think that Max would accept that she might want to be with him again anyway. He had completely convinced himself that the only reason she was giving him the time of day right now was because of Ben, and also because of the connection that Zan and Kadi had supposedly cursed them with.
But she knew it wasn't true. She had been on the verge of taking the leap with him again even before she had known all of these things. The connection she had with him had nothing to do with Zan and Kadiya. It was only about Max and Liz. She did not remember being Kadiya, knew that she likely wouldn't. And, as far as she was concerned, none of it was really important anyway.
Liz shook her head. She needed to think about something else! She couldn't think about any of this while he was so close, watching her with those eyes of his - the eyes that had always seen right through her, even during that time when he hadn't been himself. Liz believed him when he said that he had been in there, aware and trapped, because she had seen his desperation, had seen how he had focused on the search for his son in order to try to give his life some meaning again.
The fact that this had been going on when he couldn't even [I]feel[/I] anything - it made it even sadder. Because he had obviously been fighting the seal, had been trying to get back who he was, to behave like he was supposed to. But it had all come out wrong. He had only ended up hurting everyone even more.
Liz frowned slightly. "Let's talk about the seal a little bit more," she said abruptly. Max looked at her in surprise. "I don't understand exactly how it worked. What could they make you do with it?"
"Well, it wasn't that they could make me do anything specific," Max replied. "It was more like a clamp on my behavior - on my humanity. It didn't let me do what I really wanted to do. I didn't really know how to behave anymore. And it was generated by the minds of the five whom I've named." His eyes lit up as he remembered something else. "It wasn't the first time they had tried to do it to me either. When Nicholas used his mindraping powers on me when all the humans disappeared from Roswell, that was the first attempt. But I was still too wrapped up in you for it to work properly. I also still trusted Isabel and Michael. But it did weaken me, made it easier in New York. It wasn't until the dupes screwed with my mind where Michael and Izzy were concerned that things changed. Being in Roswell, where I was comfortable, my [I]home[/I], was also making it difficult. Nicholas told the others that they had to get me out of Roswell, so it was why the summit was set up in the first place."
"Couldn't they have just used Zan if they wanted you so badly but you were proving so difficult?" Liz asked logically. "Why didn't they seal [I]him[/I]?"
"They were duplicates of [I]us[/I] Liz. We were the original clones. It's why we had the granolith and also why Kadi's ring was in [I]my[/I] pod." Max replied.
"But they were willing to take Lonnie and Rath?" None of this made any sense. It annoyed Liz's logical mind when things didn't add up.
"Nicholas had a thing for Vilandra." Max rolled his eyes. "He knew that Izzy was too much like what Vilandra had been [I]before[/I] Khivar had played with her mind on Antar. She wouldn't have given either he or Khivar the time of day. Lonnie was Izzy's extreme opposite. Nicholas liked that and thought that Khivar would like it too. As for Rath, I don't think that there was ever any plan to bring him. Khivar hated him, but he was still his brother. He would have let Michael and Rath live, as long as they stayed on Earth where they couldn't mess with him."
Liz nodded. "Okay, so the seal didn't make you do things, it just made you unsure of everything you did?"
Max frowned, "I guess that's as close an explanation as I can give you. I still don't understand exactly what the point of it was either. I do know that I was highly emotional as Zan in my past life. They remembered and wanted a way to make sure they knew how I was going to behave. Because throwing in a bit of humanity had likely made me even more of a loose cannon." Max added wryly. "I think it might have been a way for the other rulers to assure that I wouldn't go right back to promoting democracy upon my return. Because if someone isn't really passionate about something, they're not going to fight for it. And I didn't really feel passionate about anything. Everything I did was mechanical, what I felt [I]had[/I] to be done." He paused, lowered his voice. "Including looking for Ben, when I thought he was mine. Holding him, after Tess died, it was the first flash of [I]real[/I] emotion I had felt in years." His voice cracked slightly as he remembered.
Liz stared at him. Something he had said to her the day before, when they had had their argument in the bathroom came rushing back in a flash so intense, it made her heart start to beat faster.
[I]This is war. I am going to get you to give in if it's the last thing I do.[/I]
He had said it in the heat of the moment, but she did not doubt that he had meant it at the time. When he had had time to calm down, to realize that maybe giving her ultimatums was not the way to go, he had backtracked, but there was no question that he had passionately believed it then.
There was no question that he felt [I]now[/I]. None at all. The seal had been broken. And there was also no question that he was still in love with her. He [I] was[/I] willing to fight for her, but only if it was what [I]she[/I] wanted. He had even changed from the Max he had been [I]before[/I] she had pretended to sleep with Kyle, the Max who had told her that he was [I]coming for her[/I], even though she couldn't believe that it was the right thing at the time.
That Max still existed within him, obvious in the argument they had had. But he was more in control of that Max than he ever had been before. He would not pressure her into anything.
She had all the time in the world to decide to be with him. Although she didn't think it was going to take that long.
For once, the ball was entirely in her court. Her life was in [I]her[/I] control. And she knew exactly what she wanted to do.
"Liz?" It was only then that Liz realized that she had been quiet for several minutes, mulling over all of this. "What are you thinking?"
"I'm thinking that we need to figure out what to do about Dan," she admitted. She was looking down as she said it, but before she continued, she made herself look right at Max. "Because I'm not getting married tomorrow."
Liz felt a chill descend her spine at the expression on Max's face.
[I]I had to kill them all.[/I]
He was not sorry. The guilt that he was carrying, the sorrow that he had told her about on the car ride to Marathon, that he had been responsible for the deaths of so many people - it did not extend to whoever he was talking about now. She could almost read the shame of it in his eyes.
He was not guilty that he had killed [I]them[/I], but he was guilty that he didn't feel the horror that he knew he should.
"Tell me," she whispered.
It was time for it all to come out in the open. He had been confessing little pieces of it since she had first seen him again. But she could see that he was finally going to tell her [I]everything[/I].
It was frightening - and yet strangely comforting. No more secrets.
And maybe, finally, there would be some answers.
She saw his jaw clench. He closed his eyes briefly, then turned away.
"You know that I killed Khivar and Tess?" He began quietly, so softly she had to strain her ears to hear him.
"Yes." She wanted to move closer to him, wanted to take his hand, but she knew that it would not help him now. It would simply distract him, upset him, because he truly seemed to believe that the connection that existed between them - that made her [I]need[/I] to comfort him because she could [I]feel[/I] the pain coming off of him in waves - was a curse, that she was destined never to be happy because of it.
She didn't buy it. Not at all. Whoever he seemed to think she had been in a past life, she knew who she was now. She was Liz Parker and she knew that she felt this way about [I]Max Evans[/I], not about some alien king he had once been. The flashes they had shared, the many times she had seen into his soul - that had been all Max.
It was Max she loved, felt bonded to.
It reminded her that she was beginning to realize that she didn't really care how she was [I]supposed[/I] to feel, that she supposedly didn't trust him. Right now he needed her and she was going to be there for him.
Liz moved forward, gently took Max's hand. He turned in surprise, but didn't pull away. He just looked resigned, as though he thought she didn't have any choice in the matter, that the connection was making her do things she didn't necessarily want to.
"I killed Tess first. She was going to kill Ben, I had no choice." His voice was distant again, as he remembered the circumstances of his son's mother's death. "It was about five years after I left here."
That would have been three years ago - in fact the year that she, Liz, had officially started dating Dan. They had been friends for much longer of course, but it was only three years ago that Liz had allowed herself to actually start to feel something for someone again. She had been ready to move on while Max had been taking the first step towards finally being able to come home. Ironic that.
"After Tess died, after Ben was safe - or at least as safe as he was ever going to be on Antar - it was only then that I began to understand what was going on. Because when she died...I can't really explain what it felt like Liz. It felt like something [I]opened[/I] up inside me. Something I hadn't really missed until it was back."
"What do you mean?" Liz asked.
"It was [I]me[/I]. Or at least my control over who I was, how I acted." Max shrugged, meeting her eyes again. "I don't know how to say it except to say that. It was like a window opened. Something that had been missing just came [I]back[/I]. I guess you could call it self-awareness."
"Are you saying that Tess was controlling you somehow? That her death ended it?"
"That's [I]exactly[/I] what I mean. Although not quite either. It was like everything I felt, believed was muted. Not necessarily non-existent. Just not quite as important as it had once been." Max replied. "And after she died, that part of me was freed - the part that [I]felt[/I]. And it was only then that I was able to understand that she wasn't the only one doing it either." He continued grimly. "Because I began to [I]feel[/I] them - the others. The death of Tess made it so the rest of them couldn't hide. With one of them gone, the intricate web they had woven in my mind began to crumble. I just suddenly understood that my mind was not my own and had [I]not[/I] been for a very long time."
"How long?"
"Since the summit in New York. I don't know if I ever told you this Liz, but when I was there, Rath took me to meet this guy named the Emissary. It was so that I could be [I]certified[/I] as the rightful king, which I supposedly was - or at least that's what they told me." His tone was angry, self-berating. "I was so stupid to have trusted [I]any[/I] of them - especially Tess, because I knew what she was, had known since she first came to Roswell - but my only excuse was that my whole world was a mess. I felt so lost. Not feeling like I could trust [I]you[/I], or Isabel or Michael...everyone important to me was just [I]gone[/I]. So I let them do what they wanted to me. And nothing that had happened in Roswell seemed quite as important after it was done. All of my feelings about Antar and being an alien changed. At the time I just thought that it was being face to face with who I really was made me see everything differently. It wasn't until Tess died that I knew that they had actually done some physical to my mind."
"What happened? How did they do it?" Liz squeezed his hand, trying to convey to him that she understood how events could swing completely out of one's control very easily. Hadn't the same thing been happening to her ever since he had returned?
"Rath and I went to see the Emissary and he did something to me. He supposedly revealed the royal seal or some such nonsense." Max rolled his eyes. "I bought it all because I saw it and they talked about it at the summit. It was only on Antar that I began to understand that everyone at that table in New York knew exactly what it meant. It meant that they had branded me, could manipulate me through the seal. Every person sitting at that table now had control of me. One representative from each planet had a stake in the scheme, although one of the planet's - Kathanna's - let Tess hold its reins. Ava was Kathanna's sister it turns out."
"But you didn't take the deal Max. You told me that at the time. If they controlled you, shouldn't you have agreed to go home with the granolith?" Liz felt a little confused. Max had told her the basic gist about the summit in New York after he had returned to Roswell at the time, but not everything. She knew that it had not been a pleasant experience for him, and, upon returning, he had been much more focused on the fact that Liz had been able to save his life.
"There were a couple of factors working against them." Max replied wryly. "First of all, they all hated each other and didn't trust what anyone else wanted to make me do, so even though they had the power, they couldn't figure out how to use it. Not to mention, Khivar was really the one in control and he didn't want me back. He just wanted me dead. The only reason any of the rest of them wanted me back at all was because their planets were all about to overthrow them. It turns out that Zan was pretty much the most popular of any of them and they felt that if he returned to the high kingship, the populace would settle and they could regain control of their thrones."
"But if what you're saying is true, then Larek was working against you too!" Liz exclaimed.
"Well, technically. He [I]was[/I] my friend and he only took a place in the whole thing because he was hoping to be able to counteract a lot of the stuff the rest of them wanted to make me do. But, in a way, I think he wanted to be able to control me too." Max shook his head sadly. "Larek was a good man, but he really did not [I]get[/I] Zan at all. They grew up together so they were close that way, but it was not a relationship of what you might call understanding, but more one of shared history. It wasn't like Zan's relationship with Rath for example - the first Rath I mean. They agreed on [I]everything[/I]."
"I guess the whole Kadiya thing supports that." Liz agreed. She looked at Max closely. "You used the past tense when referring to Larek. You've never done that before Max." She paused, watched a vein in his neck spasm slightly as he swallowed and looked away. "Was he someone you had to kill too?" She whispered, her heart going out to him. Because, even though, in many ways, Larek had screwed up Zan's life considerably by doing what [I]he[/I] had thought was right for the monarchy, they had still been friends.
"I didn't have to kill Larek. I would have left him alone. I trusted him not to mess with me. It was only the other four I needed dead." Max replied distantly, as though remembering. "When I confronted Larek about the whole thing after Tess died, he admitted it openly, apologized for having concealed it at all. I accepted his apology, told him we could move forward. But only on one condition. He had to help me get Ben off the planet." Max closed his eyes.
Liz realized almost immediately what had happened. "He couldn't agree to that."
"No." Max sighed. "His entire life had revolved around the restoration of the monarchy. It was why he had helped to clone me in the first place. If he just let me go..."
"His life's work would have been worthless." Liz shook her head sympathetically, sorry for what Larek's beliefs had forced Max to do.
"I couldn't do it though Liz." Max whispered. "I just couldn't. He had been so good to me. So I let him go. He went and joined Khivar, even though it was against everything he believed in. Khivar was a usurper...but at least he wanted to be king, which was better than nothing."
"What happened then?"
"I went after Sero and Hanar, the leaders of two of the other planets." Max told her grimly. "They knew I was coming. They had felt Tess's death, knew what it was going to mean for them. Sero tried to hide from me, but I found him fairly easily. Turns out the connection went both ways. Once I was aware of him, he couldn't keep me out of [I]his[/I] mind either. Hanar was different. He met me honorably, knew that he had lost, knew that I was stronger than he was. I killed them both easily." The way Max said that, it made Liz's heart go out to him again. Because, despite the fact that he was not sorry he had done it, she could tell from the flat way he said all of this that it had [I]not[/I] been easy to take the lives of Sero and Hanar, especially because with each of their deaths he was returning more fully to being who had had been on Earth.
And Max Evans would have cared, as much as he tried to deny it. He [I]did[/I] care.
"And then only Khivar and Larek were left," he continued. "Once I got rid of them, my mind would be my own again. Not to mention, the five planets would be able to align themselves to move towards democracy. The deaths of Sero and Hanar liberated their people to move in that direction. They all wanted it by then. After the original deaths of the Royal Four, their rulers had basically turned into tyrants, trying to put down the democratic movement that Zan had started. With them gone, there was nothing holding them back any longer."
Liz frowned slightly. "Max, I believe you about all of this. But what does it have to do with the stuff that happened here on Earth after the summit in New York? You were definitely yourself most of the time after that." She blinked at the intense way he was looking at her. He was smiling slightly. It made her heart start to thump in her chest.
She could see how much he loved her in his eyes. Something about what she had said had made him look that way.
"It's not hard for me to believe that you don't understand that Liz." Max finally said, reaching up and pushing a strand of hair that was blowing across her face behind her ear. "You never did totally understand how much my well-being was linked to you. I told you that there were a couple of reasons that the seal was not entirely successful. The second was you."
"What do you mean?" She could feel herself falling under the spell of his eyes, the way the shone only for her when he looked at her.
"Seeing you in New York brought me back from the place of self-pity I had been inhabiting since I saw you in bed with Kyle." Max replied. "Any time I had any positive interactions with you after the summit - it lessened their hold on me. I told you once that loving you made me human. Well, it's true Liz. When I had hope that we might find our way back to each other, my human side won out over the alien. And it was the alien side that was branded, controlled." He looked away. "It was only when I had absolutely no hope that we were ever going to get back together that I let that side take over. After Alex's death."
Liz felt her eyes widen in horror. "Because I blamed you for it."
He looked at her sharply. "No Liz. I knew right from the beginning that you didn't blame me. And I knew that you were right. Deep down I knew it and I just couldn't accept it. It wasn't your fault. As always, you were just trying to make me see what was right in front of my face. But I just couldn't deal with the fact that someone I actually cared about had been killed because of who - of [I]what[/I] - I was." Max ran a hand through his hair in frustration. "It was all Tess needed to activate the seal. Because I was so angry at you, she was finally able to break through the connection. It was the only thing still protecting me, and with it gone, [I]I[/I] was gone. My alien side fully emerged."
"Oh Max." Liz whispered, felt tears filling her eyes. "You [I]did[/I] sleep with her then." It was only then that Liz understood how much she had hoped that this was where he had been leading - to telling her that it had all been a lie, that none of it had ever happened. That Tess had only pretended, had changed his memories so that he would [I]think[/I] that he had.
It hurt - a lot - that it had all been true. That Max's first time had been with someone he didn't even love.
But when she finally met his eyes, she could see that he was still smiling slightly. "No Liz."
"What?" Liz demanded, more rudely than she intended.
"I didn't sleep with her."
"I don't understand!" She stared at him. "Why wouldn't she have wanted that to happen?"
"It didn't have to." Max replied. "She was already pregnant. She [I]hated[/I] me Liz. The last thing she wanted was to sleep with me." He shuddered at the thought. "See, the thing was, Tess [I]remembered[/I] being Ava. She had [I]always[/I] remembered. She knew how it had been between Zan and Kadi and she hated me because of it. Before she left in the granolith, she screamed at me about being my wife, that I had always put [I]you[/I] ahead of her. I didn't get then that she wasn't just talking about in [I]this[/I] life. Because, obviously, she [I]wasn't[/I] my wife on Earth. Not in any way that I would recognize, being so attached to my humanity - and she knew it. She knew me better than I knew myself it turns out. And she despised me. She was only using me to get home. Because Khivar didn't really need her without me."
"Okay, so she [I]did[/I] mindwarp you?"
"Sort of. The seal had the added bonus for those who had access to it that it hid when mind-based powers were being used on someone. Anyone with a drop of Antarian blood in their veins would have known if they were being mindwarped. The seal blocked me from being able to do that. Nasedo told Michael that our gifts were human, but he was not entirely truthful about that. It's unlikely that regular humans will ever be able to access them. It's our Antarian blood that makes it possible for us to use them. My Antarian blood is also the reason that I was so suspicious of Tess when she first came to Roswell. I [I]knew[/I] that those thoughts I was having about her were [I]not[/I] mine." Max paused, then looked right at her. "I didn't sleep with Tess."
"Oh." It was all Liz could think of to say. Her mind was whirling in about a million different directions.
"Liz, whether I did or didn't - it doesn't matter." Max told her quietly. "I don't expect it to change things. I know that you want to be with Dan and I'm really hoping that it works out for you." He didn't sound very convinced that it was going to though. Liz felt a flash of anger run through her. She knew exactly what he was thinking - that the connection that Zan and Kadiya had created was dooming her relationship with Dan, whether she wanted it to end or not.
"Max, you don't know anything." Liz told him evenly. "How can you? [I]I[/I] don't even know what I want anymore."
"I'm sorry Liz."
"Don't apologize." Liz replied calmly. "None of this is either of our fault. It's just a gigantic mess is what it is. We need to finish this Max. Once and for all. My trust issues are not because of Tess and what supposedly did or did not happen with her anyway. They're with the fact that you left with even saying goodbye. But if that wasn't even really [I]you[/I] than how can I even justify having them?"
"Liz, you're allowed to feel however you want. Just because my behavior after New York does have some basis in things beyond my control, it doesn't mean that I wasn't still a Max that you had to deal with - one that hurt you. I never doubted that I loved you, you know." He sighed. "I knew I did. And that I loved Michael and Isabel and Maria too. But I just couldn't [I]feel[/I] it. I could not get a grip on how I was supposed to behave to show it. I hurt all of you - constantly. First Izzy with the whole school thing and then by telling her that she couldn't marry Jesse. You with so many insensitive comments, I can't even remember them all, which makes it ten times worse. Even things I said to Michael..." Max closed his eyes, shook his head. "I was an ass. And while the seal was partly to blame, none of you knew that. You were hurt and you have every right not to trust me. Because it's not really an excuse anyway. I don't want to use it as one. I'm only telling you about it because I made a vow to myself recently that I'm not going to lie to you any longer. I just refuse to do it."
Liz listened to him, even [I]heard[/I] him, although the temptation to just kiss him and end all of these doubts was beginning to take over as he spoke. Couldn't things just be uncomplicated for once? Couldn't she just take what she wanted? Because what she really wanted to do was tell him that it was going to be all right. That the truth made her want to give their relationship a second chance.
But she couldn't tell him that. Not right now. Her emotions were in complete turmoil. She could not tell him anything of the sort until she was absolutely sure, until everything else in her life had been straightened out.
Because they still had to deal with Dan, with Vick, with the FBI and with Nicholas. Their future was going to have to wait.
She also didn't think that Max would accept that she might want to be with him again anyway. He had completely convinced himself that the only reason she was giving him the time of day right now was because of Ben, and also because of the connection that Zan and Kadi had supposedly cursed them with.
But she knew it wasn't true. She had been on the verge of taking the leap with him again even before she had known all of these things. The connection she had with him had nothing to do with Zan and Kadiya. It was only about Max and Liz. She did not remember being Kadiya, knew that she likely wouldn't. And, as far as she was concerned, none of it was really important anyway.
Liz shook her head. She needed to think about something else! She couldn't think about any of this while he was so close, watching her with those eyes of his - the eyes that had always seen right through her, even during that time when he hadn't been himself. Liz believed him when he said that he had been in there, aware and trapped, because she had seen his desperation, had seen how he had focused on the search for his son in order to try to give his life some meaning again.
The fact that this had been going on when he couldn't even [I]feel[/I] anything - it made it even sadder. Because he had obviously been fighting the seal, had been trying to get back who he was, to behave like he was supposed to. But it had all come out wrong. He had only ended up hurting everyone even more.
Liz frowned slightly. "Let's talk about the seal a little bit more," she said abruptly. Max looked at her in surprise. "I don't understand exactly how it worked. What could they make you do with it?"
"Well, it wasn't that they could make me do anything specific," Max replied. "It was more like a clamp on my behavior - on my humanity. It didn't let me do what I really wanted to do. I didn't really know how to behave anymore. And it was generated by the minds of the five whom I've named." His eyes lit up as he remembered something else. "It wasn't the first time they had tried to do it to me either. When Nicholas used his mindraping powers on me when all the humans disappeared from Roswell, that was the first attempt. But I was still too wrapped up in you for it to work properly. I also still trusted Isabel and Michael. But it did weaken me, made it easier in New York. It wasn't until the dupes screwed with my mind where Michael and Izzy were concerned that things changed. Being in Roswell, where I was comfortable, my [I]home[/I], was also making it difficult. Nicholas told the others that they had to get me out of Roswell, so it was why the summit was set up in the first place."
"Couldn't they have just used Zan if they wanted you so badly but you were proving so difficult?" Liz asked logically. "Why didn't they seal [I]him[/I]?"
"They were duplicates of [I]us[/I] Liz. We were the original clones. It's why we had the granolith and also why Kadi's ring was in [I]my[/I] pod." Max replied.
"But they were willing to take Lonnie and Rath?" None of this made any sense. It annoyed Liz's logical mind when things didn't add up.
"Nicholas had a thing for Vilandra." Max rolled his eyes. "He knew that Izzy was too much like what Vilandra had been [I]before[/I] Khivar had played with her mind on Antar. She wouldn't have given either he or Khivar the time of day. Lonnie was Izzy's extreme opposite. Nicholas liked that and thought that Khivar would like it too. As for Rath, I don't think that there was ever any plan to bring him. Khivar hated him, but he was still his brother. He would have let Michael and Rath live, as long as they stayed on Earth where they couldn't mess with him."
Liz nodded. "Okay, so the seal didn't make you do things, it just made you unsure of everything you did?"
Max frowned, "I guess that's as close an explanation as I can give you. I still don't understand exactly what the point of it was either. I do know that I was highly emotional as Zan in my past life. They remembered and wanted a way to make sure they knew how I was going to behave. Because throwing in a bit of humanity had likely made me even more of a loose cannon." Max added wryly. "I think it might have been a way for the other rulers to assure that I wouldn't go right back to promoting democracy upon my return. Because if someone isn't really passionate about something, they're not going to fight for it. And I didn't really feel passionate about anything. Everything I did was mechanical, what I felt [I]had[/I] to be done." He paused, lowered his voice. "Including looking for Ben, when I thought he was mine. Holding him, after Tess died, it was the first flash of [I]real[/I] emotion I had felt in years." His voice cracked slightly as he remembered.
Liz stared at him. Something he had said to her the day before, when they had had their argument in the bathroom came rushing back in a flash so intense, it made her heart start to beat faster.
[I]This is war. I am going to get you to give in if it's the last thing I do.[/I]
He had said it in the heat of the moment, but she did not doubt that he had meant it at the time. When he had had time to calm down, to realize that maybe giving her ultimatums was not the way to go, he had backtracked, but there was no question that he had passionately believed it then.
There was no question that he felt [I]now[/I]. None at all. The seal had been broken. And there was also no question that he was still in love with her. He [I] was[/I] willing to fight for her, but only if it was what [I]she[/I] wanted. He had even changed from the Max he had been [I]before[/I] she had pretended to sleep with Kyle, the Max who had told her that he was [I]coming for her[/I], even though she couldn't believe that it was the right thing at the time.
That Max still existed within him, obvious in the argument they had had. But he was more in control of that Max than he ever had been before. He would not pressure her into anything.
She had all the time in the world to decide to be with him. Although she didn't think it was going to take that long.
For once, the ball was entirely in her court. Her life was in [I]her[/I] control. And she knew exactly what she wanted to do.
"Liz?" It was only then that Liz realized that she had been quiet for several minutes, mulling over all of this. "What are you thinking?"
"I'm thinking that we need to figure out what to do about Dan," she admitted. She was looking down as she said it, but before she continued, she made herself look right at Max. "Because I'm not getting married tomorrow."