Part 30
His heart stopped. Literally.
They were, of course, exactly the words that he had been hoping to hear from her since the moment he had learned that Dan existed. But the circumstances, the timing - it was all wrong.
He had known, deep in his heart, that telling Liz everything that had happened on Antar would change how she viewed him. But he had never wanted it to affect her decisions. He had vowed that he wouldn't lie to her again, that he wouldn't keep things from her - but he didn't want her choices to be dependent on the truth either.
Maybe he had just wanted her to choose him without knowing any of it. Which she had been incapable of doing, because she didn't trust him. Which he fully deserved and still couldn't forgive himself for.
Max knew it was stupid. He truly did. But he couldn't stop the way he felt. And now that he had had such painful insight into what their connection truly meant - he couldn't help but feel that Liz was making a decision that she was going to regret.
She was watching him closely. He wondered how she wanted him to react. He didn't know [I]how[/I] to react. Did she mean that she wasn't getting married [I]tomorrow[/I] - that the wedding would be rescheduled? Or did she mean that she wasn't going to be marrying Dan Riley [I]ever[/I]?
"What are you thinking?" Liz finally asked, sounding concerned.
"I don't know." Max replied, shaking his head. "I don't know what to think. Liz, I didn't tell you all of this stuff to make you break it off with Dan."
"I know you didn't." Liz told him. "But it's what I have to do. These feelings...this [I]connection[/I]...whatever you want to call it...it's just really not fair to him." She sighed. "You know, I had already decided this before I found out that he knew the truth about you. That it wasn't fair to marry him when I was in so much emotional upheaval where you were concerned."
"You did?" He frowned slightly. "Why did you change your mind again?" But he thought he already knew, because it would be just like her. "Liz, you weren't going to marry him because you thought that you could protect me that way?" The horror of it was enough to actually make him feel nauseous. "Is that what Kyle wouldn't tell me when he got here?"
"It was dumb. I admit it." Liz laughed slightly, shaking her head. "Max, I [I]never[/I] think clearly when it comes to you. Don't you know that by now?" Her voice dropped. "It's what scares me so much. When I was a teenager, it was romantic and exciting to feel that my happiness was linked so closely to being with you. But now it's just really frightening."
"Because you don't trust me." Max finished sadly.
"Max, no." Liz smiled again. "I [I]do[/I] trust you. That's the scariest part. I really don't know how it happened, but I [I]do[/I]." He opened his mouth to insist that he hadn't wanted to convince her of anything by telling her the truth, but she cut him off. "And I know exactly what you're going to say. That it's the connection that's making me feel this way." He closed his mouth with a snap. "But Max, it's not."
"How can you be so sure Liz?"
"Max, there has never even been any question in my mind that you are the right person to raise Ben. Do you understand what that means - that it has never even crossed my mind that I couldn't trust you to do it? Sure I asked you if you would give him up, but I knew you wouldn't, and I never would have asked you to anyway." She shook her head. "You never got what Alex meant to me if you don't know how important Ben is to me. Alex was like my brother Max. You might never have understood that because things were so bad between us when you and I were first together and then once he did know, everything just went back to normal. I don't think you ever got that I was making a [I]huge[/I] sacrifice by not telling Alex the truth about you. But I [I]loved[/I] you. I chose you over him, which just goes to show how much I already felt for you. How I knew I couldn't be complete without you."
A flash of guilt ran through him. "Because of the damn connection!"
"No Max!" Liz exclaimed, sounding frustrated. "I don't know why you suddenly think the connection is a bad thing. It's always been something special about us! When it was gone..." She paused, her voice breaking a little before she managed to continue, "After what you thought I had done with Kyle..."
Max interrupted her there. "Liz, it wasn't gone then. Why do you think that I kept harassing you to admit that nothing had happened between you two? I [I]knew[/I] you were lying." He paused, grimaced slightly. "When I told you before going to New York that I didn't trust you, it wasn't because I believed it had happened by then. I really still just [I]didn't[/I]. But the fact that you wouldn't [I]tell[/I] me...It was what was driving me insane. But after I was sealed..."
"The connection was cut off." Liz blinked, as though understanding. "So that's why you asked me [I]again[/I] when you got back. Because whatever certainty you had had was gone."
"I guess so. And everything went downhill from there." Max sighed heavily.
Their eyes met for a long moment. "Do you ever wish that you could go back?" Liz whispered suddenly. "That we could just go back to the place where everything went to hell and change it?"
"All the time," Max told her, smiling slightly. "And it doesn't help matters that I know that technically I could. If we still had the granolith that is. But changing the past certainly didn't help us the first time you and I decided it should be done."
"Everyone's still alive," Liz argued quietly. "If we hadn't done it, Michael and Isabel would be dead soon. Ben wouldn't exist. Neither would Lexi."
"But Alex would be alive. Changing the past is just [I]not[/I] a good idea," Max replied. "Besides where would we go? To before Tess? I think she would have come anyway. To before I healed you? So I could prevent if from ever happening?"
Liz's eyes widened in horror. "God! No!"
"No, of course not," Max agreed. "But we don't know what other people are thinking Liz, what their destinies are. We changed a future where we would have been together and happy, at least for a little while. Tess stayed, but things just got worse. We didn't know that she was evil. How could we? Sure, we knew she was annoying, but we didn't know that she hated me so much because of what I had done to her in a past life that she was determined to bring me down at any cost. But it wasn't right of us to mess with what was meant to be anyway. Because maybe she was responsible for what had happened in that original timeline and we just didn't know because we weren't around her." He paused, frowned slightly. "While that was clearly the most confusing thing I have ever tried to say, did it make some modicum of sense?"
Liz laughed. "I think you were trying to say that changing the past is never a good idea." She raised an eyebrow. "So why are you so upset about what Zan and Kadiya did then? You can't change it, I don't find it particularly important either, so why can't you just let go of it Max?"
"Because they took away your free will Liz," Max replied evenly. "It's not fair."
"They took away [I]yours[/I] too Max!" Liz retorted, smiling at him saucily. "Why isn't [I]that[/I] important?"
Max blinked, momentarily unable to think of a response to that. "I am still Zan. I did it to myself."
"That makes absolutely no sense!" Liz shook her head. "It makes even [I]less[/I] sense than what you said before!"
"It makes sense to me!"
"Well, you are determined to feel guilty about something, so I'm guessing that's why." Liz told him. "But I want you to stop. I am telling you that I do not have any conscious memories of Kadiya and Zan. The connection I feel to you has nothing to do with them and everything to do with us. Max it was [I]you[/I] I saw when you first connected with me. It was [I]your[/I] soul that made me fall in love with you."
"Liz, my soul is his!"
"So I fell in love with you all over again then," Liz shrugged. "Who cares? I wasn't in love with you before we connected after the shooting. I thought you were cute, sure, who wouldn't..." She paused, tilted her head. "Are you blushing?"
"No!"
"Anyway," she smiled at him knowingly. "As I was saying, I wasn't in love with you before that. Maybe the [I]Rashna[/I] only meant that we would end up in the same vicinity so that we would fall in love if the chance presented itself. And fate made it so that you were in the Crashdown that day. Whether we were connected or not, if you hadn't been there that day, I would have died and we never would have fallen in love at all. You've told me that enough times yourself. Doesn't this make a tiny bit of sense Max?"
"But, Liz I [I]did[/I] love you!" Max was not going to let her talk him out of feeling guilty about this. He was not going to allow it.
"And as you yourself just said, you [I]are[/I] Zan. You probably just recognized Kadi's soul more quickly because you were cloned directly and not reborn. Who knows? Who cares?" Liz dismissed his last argument with a wave of her hand. "Sorry! You have nothing left to say about it Max. I'm not going to let you feel bad about this, so just forget it."
"Liz..." He was trying to come up with a valid argument, but she has quashed them all.
"Yes Max?" She was watching him, an amused expression on her face.
"I am at a loss," he finally muttered.
"Because you know I'm right," Liz returned. Her expression sobered. "And now that that's dealt with, we need to discuss Dan..."
"Liz, I don't want you making any hasty decisions..." Max began.
"Max! You call this hasty? I've been freaking out about this for almost a week!" Liz replied. "Don't mess with me when I've finally made some head-way."
"Liz..."
"Max, just be quiet and listen to me." She looked exasperated as she scowled at him. "And I thought you were annoying when you told me that you weren't going to give up on me," he heard her mutter quietly to herself.
He just stared at her. But he didn't open his mouth again.
"Thank you. As I was saying, I never said that just because I wasn't marrying Dan tomorrow, that it necessarily means that [I]we're[/I] getting back together." He was about to say that he knew that, when she looked at him sharply, which made him clamp his jaw shut again. "I do love Dan. He is a wonderful man. You were right to trust him Max. I kept telling myself that he was going to betray you, but I was just trying to give myself an excuse for why I just didn't feel right about our relationship anymore. But the thing is, I didn't feel right about things even before I knew you were back."
"Not right how?" Max asked quietly.
"I just wasn't happy." Liz shrugged. "I really don't understand it. I have everything I have ever wanted. My dream job at Harvard, a great guy, a bright future. But it felt wrong. It wasn't until I saw Isabel again, saw how happy she was, that I realized that something wasn't right." She paused, then smiled slightly. "And then you came back. And I remembered that one part of my dream life was missing. Because even though I love Dan, he's just [I]not[/I] you Max. He doesn't make me feel like you did when things were good between us. Having you back has reminded me of that. So, even if [I]we[/I] aren't meant to be anymore, neither are Dan and I."
"I'm sorry Liz." He sighed, thinking about the connection again. But, of course, she knew that and looked at him in annoyance.
"Max, would you stop apologizing?" Liz ordered. "You aren't even listening to me. It wasn't [I]just[/I] Dan. It was everything. It was the fact that I couldn't talk to him like I can talk to you. I can say [I]anything[/I] to you - as this conversation is quickly proving. He doesn't even know how I feel about my job." She shook her head slightly. "Boston just isn't home either. Because I miss everything about Roswell too. I miss feeling like my life actually has meaning. It just doesn't there. But here, it [I]could[/I]."
"Because of Ben."
"Yes."
"Well, I'm glad then." And he was. His son was going to benefit from having Liz in his life, without question.
There was a long silence. The sun was beginning to set on the horizon. Max watched Liz quietly as she stared off into the distance, a serene expression on her face.
"It's just so nice to have made some decisions," she whispered.
"I know."
She turned her head to look at him, measuring. "Don't you want anything for yourself Max?" She finally asked. "I can't expect you to wait around for me to get my own life in order. I can't guarantee you that we're going to be able to move ahead together."
"I'll never stop wanting you Liz," he replied simply. "But there will be absolutely no pressure from me. You have to make your own decision."
There was another long pause. "Okay then." He wondered if he imagined the slight disappointment he heard in her voice. "Do you think maybe we should head back?"
"I know Ben is probably dying to see you." Max smiled. "I don't actually know how Maria managed to keep him in the house when you first got here." He paused. "And there's Dan."
"Yes. Dan." She closed her eyes briefly. "Thank you for listening to this Max. I know it can't be easy for you."
"I will always be here for you Liz."
"I know it." She moved towards him, hugged him tightly. "You are my best friend. I think I almost missed you more because of that than anything. I don't think I've ever told you that."
He breathed in her clean scent, closed his eyes as he let his arms come around her small frame. His heart was beating quickly, unused to being in such close proximity to the one it most loved, but he didn't feel any urge to kiss her. This embrace was not about being lovers, either in the past or the future, but about being with the only other person who truly understood him.
She was his soulmate, whether they were together or not, whatever that even meant. They were the same, despite their different heritage they just [b]understood[/b] each other. And he could not regret it. Not anymore.
To be continued...
His heart stopped. Literally.
They were, of course, exactly the words that he had been hoping to hear from her since the moment he had learned that Dan existed. But the circumstances, the timing - it was all wrong.
He had known, deep in his heart, that telling Liz everything that had happened on Antar would change how she viewed him. But he had never wanted it to affect her decisions. He had vowed that he wouldn't lie to her again, that he wouldn't keep things from her - but he didn't want her choices to be dependent on the truth either.
Maybe he had just wanted her to choose him without knowing any of it. Which she had been incapable of doing, because she didn't trust him. Which he fully deserved and still couldn't forgive himself for.
Max knew it was stupid. He truly did. But he couldn't stop the way he felt. And now that he had had such painful insight into what their connection truly meant - he couldn't help but feel that Liz was making a decision that she was going to regret.
She was watching him closely. He wondered how she wanted him to react. He didn't know [I]how[/I] to react. Did she mean that she wasn't getting married [I]tomorrow[/I] - that the wedding would be rescheduled? Or did she mean that she wasn't going to be marrying Dan Riley [I]ever[/I]?
"What are you thinking?" Liz finally asked, sounding concerned.
"I don't know." Max replied, shaking his head. "I don't know what to think. Liz, I didn't tell you all of this stuff to make you break it off with Dan."
"I know you didn't." Liz told him. "But it's what I have to do. These feelings...this [I]connection[/I]...whatever you want to call it...it's just really not fair to him." She sighed. "You know, I had already decided this before I found out that he knew the truth about you. That it wasn't fair to marry him when I was in so much emotional upheaval where you were concerned."
"You did?" He frowned slightly. "Why did you change your mind again?" But he thought he already knew, because it would be just like her. "Liz, you weren't going to marry him because you thought that you could protect me that way?" The horror of it was enough to actually make him feel nauseous. "Is that what Kyle wouldn't tell me when he got here?"
"It was dumb. I admit it." Liz laughed slightly, shaking her head. "Max, I [I]never[/I] think clearly when it comes to you. Don't you know that by now?" Her voice dropped. "It's what scares me so much. When I was a teenager, it was romantic and exciting to feel that my happiness was linked so closely to being with you. But now it's just really frightening."
"Because you don't trust me." Max finished sadly.
"Max, no." Liz smiled again. "I [I]do[/I] trust you. That's the scariest part. I really don't know how it happened, but I [I]do[/I]." He opened his mouth to insist that he hadn't wanted to convince her of anything by telling her the truth, but she cut him off. "And I know exactly what you're going to say. That it's the connection that's making me feel this way." He closed his mouth with a snap. "But Max, it's not."
"How can you be so sure Liz?"
"Max, there has never even been any question in my mind that you are the right person to raise Ben. Do you understand what that means - that it has never even crossed my mind that I couldn't trust you to do it? Sure I asked you if you would give him up, but I knew you wouldn't, and I never would have asked you to anyway." She shook her head. "You never got what Alex meant to me if you don't know how important Ben is to me. Alex was like my brother Max. You might never have understood that because things were so bad between us when you and I were first together and then once he did know, everything just went back to normal. I don't think you ever got that I was making a [I]huge[/I] sacrifice by not telling Alex the truth about you. But I [I]loved[/I] you. I chose you over him, which just goes to show how much I already felt for you. How I knew I couldn't be complete without you."
A flash of guilt ran through him. "Because of the damn connection!"
"No Max!" Liz exclaimed, sounding frustrated. "I don't know why you suddenly think the connection is a bad thing. It's always been something special about us! When it was gone..." She paused, her voice breaking a little before she managed to continue, "After what you thought I had done with Kyle..."
Max interrupted her there. "Liz, it wasn't gone then. Why do you think that I kept harassing you to admit that nothing had happened between you two? I [I]knew[/I] you were lying." He paused, grimaced slightly. "When I told you before going to New York that I didn't trust you, it wasn't because I believed it had happened by then. I really still just [I]didn't[/I]. But the fact that you wouldn't [I]tell[/I] me...It was what was driving me insane. But after I was sealed..."
"The connection was cut off." Liz blinked, as though understanding. "So that's why you asked me [I]again[/I] when you got back. Because whatever certainty you had had was gone."
"I guess so. And everything went downhill from there." Max sighed heavily.
Their eyes met for a long moment. "Do you ever wish that you could go back?" Liz whispered suddenly. "That we could just go back to the place where everything went to hell and change it?"
"All the time," Max told her, smiling slightly. "And it doesn't help matters that I know that technically I could. If we still had the granolith that is. But changing the past certainly didn't help us the first time you and I decided it should be done."
"Everyone's still alive," Liz argued quietly. "If we hadn't done it, Michael and Isabel would be dead soon. Ben wouldn't exist. Neither would Lexi."
"But Alex would be alive. Changing the past is just [I]not[/I] a good idea," Max replied. "Besides where would we go? To before Tess? I think she would have come anyway. To before I healed you? So I could prevent if from ever happening?"
Liz's eyes widened in horror. "God! No!"
"No, of course not," Max agreed. "But we don't know what other people are thinking Liz, what their destinies are. We changed a future where we would have been together and happy, at least for a little while. Tess stayed, but things just got worse. We didn't know that she was evil. How could we? Sure, we knew she was annoying, but we didn't know that she hated me so much because of what I had done to her in a past life that she was determined to bring me down at any cost. But it wasn't right of us to mess with what was meant to be anyway. Because maybe she was responsible for what had happened in that original timeline and we just didn't know because we weren't around her." He paused, frowned slightly. "While that was clearly the most confusing thing I have ever tried to say, did it make some modicum of sense?"
Liz laughed. "I think you were trying to say that changing the past is never a good idea." She raised an eyebrow. "So why are you so upset about what Zan and Kadiya did then? You can't change it, I don't find it particularly important either, so why can't you just let go of it Max?"
"Because they took away your free will Liz," Max replied evenly. "It's not fair."
"They took away [I]yours[/I] too Max!" Liz retorted, smiling at him saucily. "Why isn't [I]that[/I] important?"
Max blinked, momentarily unable to think of a response to that. "I am still Zan. I did it to myself."
"That makes absolutely no sense!" Liz shook her head. "It makes even [I]less[/I] sense than what you said before!"
"It makes sense to me!"
"Well, you are determined to feel guilty about something, so I'm guessing that's why." Liz told him. "But I want you to stop. I am telling you that I do not have any conscious memories of Kadiya and Zan. The connection I feel to you has nothing to do with them and everything to do with us. Max it was [I]you[/I] I saw when you first connected with me. It was [I]your[/I] soul that made me fall in love with you."
"Liz, my soul is his!"
"So I fell in love with you all over again then," Liz shrugged. "Who cares? I wasn't in love with you before we connected after the shooting. I thought you were cute, sure, who wouldn't..." She paused, tilted her head. "Are you blushing?"
"No!"
"Anyway," she smiled at him knowingly. "As I was saying, I wasn't in love with you before that. Maybe the [I]Rashna[/I] only meant that we would end up in the same vicinity so that we would fall in love if the chance presented itself. And fate made it so that you were in the Crashdown that day. Whether we were connected or not, if you hadn't been there that day, I would have died and we never would have fallen in love at all. You've told me that enough times yourself. Doesn't this make a tiny bit of sense Max?"
"But, Liz I [I]did[/I] love you!" Max was not going to let her talk him out of feeling guilty about this. He was not going to allow it.
"And as you yourself just said, you [I]are[/I] Zan. You probably just recognized Kadi's soul more quickly because you were cloned directly and not reborn. Who knows? Who cares?" Liz dismissed his last argument with a wave of her hand. "Sorry! You have nothing left to say about it Max. I'm not going to let you feel bad about this, so just forget it."
"Liz..." He was trying to come up with a valid argument, but she has quashed them all.
"Yes Max?" She was watching him, an amused expression on her face.
"I am at a loss," he finally muttered.
"Because you know I'm right," Liz returned. Her expression sobered. "And now that that's dealt with, we need to discuss Dan..."
"Liz, I don't want you making any hasty decisions..." Max began.
"Max! You call this hasty? I've been freaking out about this for almost a week!" Liz replied. "Don't mess with me when I've finally made some head-way."
"Liz..."
"Max, just be quiet and listen to me." She looked exasperated as she scowled at him. "And I thought you were annoying when you told me that you weren't going to give up on me," he heard her mutter quietly to herself.
He just stared at her. But he didn't open his mouth again.
"Thank you. As I was saying, I never said that just because I wasn't marrying Dan tomorrow, that it necessarily means that [I]we're[/I] getting back together." He was about to say that he knew that, when she looked at him sharply, which made him clamp his jaw shut again. "I do love Dan. He is a wonderful man. You were right to trust him Max. I kept telling myself that he was going to betray you, but I was just trying to give myself an excuse for why I just didn't feel right about our relationship anymore. But the thing is, I didn't feel right about things even before I knew you were back."
"Not right how?" Max asked quietly.
"I just wasn't happy." Liz shrugged. "I really don't understand it. I have everything I have ever wanted. My dream job at Harvard, a great guy, a bright future. But it felt wrong. It wasn't until I saw Isabel again, saw how happy she was, that I realized that something wasn't right." She paused, then smiled slightly. "And then you came back. And I remembered that one part of my dream life was missing. Because even though I love Dan, he's just [I]not[/I] you Max. He doesn't make me feel like you did when things were good between us. Having you back has reminded me of that. So, even if [I]we[/I] aren't meant to be anymore, neither are Dan and I."
"I'm sorry Liz." He sighed, thinking about the connection again. But, of course, she knew that and looked at him in annoyance.
"Max, would you stop apologizing?" Liz ordered. "You aren't even listening to me. It wasn't [I]just[/I] Dan. It was everything. It was the fact that I couldn't talk to him like I can talk to you. I can say [I]anything[/I] to you - as this conversation is quickly proving. He doesn't even know how I feel about my job." She shook her head slightly. "Boston just isn't home either. Because I miss everything about Roswell too. I miss feeling like my life actually has meaning. It just doesn't there. But here, it [I]could[/I]."
"Because of Ben."
"Yes."
"Well, I'm glad then." And he was. His son was going to benefit from having Liz in his life, without question.
There was a long silence. The sun was beginning to set on the horizon. Max watched Liz quietly as she stared off into the distance, a serene expression on her face.
"It's just so nice to have made some decisions," she whispered.
"I know."
She turned her head to look at him, measuring. "Don't you want anything for yourself Max?" She finally asked. "I can't expect you to wait around for me to get my own life in order. I can't guarantee you that we're going to be able to move ahead together."
"I'll never stop wanting you Liz," he replied simply. "But there will be absolutely no pressure from me. You have to make your own decision."
There was another long pause. "Okay then." He wondered if he imagined the slight disappointment he heard in her voice. "Do you think maybe we should head back?"
"I know Ben is probably dying to see you." Max smiled. "I don't actually know how Maria managed to keep him in the house when you first got here." He paused. "And there's Dan."
"Yes. Dan." She closed her eyes briefly. "Thank you for listening to this Max. I know it can't be easy for you."
"I will always be here for you Liz."
"I know it." She moved towards him, hugged him tightly. "You are my best friend. I think I almost missed you more because of that than anything. I don't think I've ever told you that."
He breathed in her clean scent, closed his eyes as he let his arms come around her small frame. His heart was beating quickly, unused to being in such close proximity to the one it most loved, but he didn't feel any urge to kiss her. This embrace was not about being lovers, either in the past or the future, but about being with the only other person who truly understood him.
She was his soulmate, whether they were together or not, whatever that even meant. They were the same, despite their different heritage they just [b]understood[/b] each other. And he could not regret it. Not anymore.
To be continued...