~Usual disclaimers apply. Credit goes to Silver Falls for this chapter. You
gave me A LOT of ideas; I would have never gotten through this chapter
without them. Thanks. Oh, and I know I skipped from fall to winter, but
trust me, nothing happened in between the two seasons. It would have been
boring to tell you how she sits around all day and talks to a therapist. On
with the show! C.S. ~
It was snowing. Clarice glanced from her book to the window every few minutes to make sure it was still falling. Everyone seemed to be gathered around the several windows, dazed by the snowflakes, in some sort of trance.
Not Clarice.
It was her third Christmas here, alone, without any real friends. She only had one here, and it was weird that she only had one on the outside as well. It didn't matter much to her if Christmas came, or just stayed away somewhere, hidden from view. It would all be the same to her.
She sighed and tried to concentrate on the page in her book. The words where getting harder to read, not because she was illiterate, but because she was distracted. She was so restless here, and it was getting a lot worse.
Clarice flipped ahead a few pages. She was reading "The Bell Jar" by Sylvia Plath. She eventually just shut the book and tossed it to the sofa beside her. She decided to get up and venture into the music/art room to play the piano. She was followed by a nurse, as she usually was. The nurse sat in a chair across from the piano and watched her.
She let her fingers hover above the keys for a moment, then shut her eyes. She wasn't in the Christmas mood, and she didn't feel like singing anything joyful. She let her fingers play the melancholy notes of one of her new favorite songs. Her lips parted, and she drew in a breath before singing, her eyes shut the whole time, her fingers finding the keys on instinct.
"Here I go. Restless heart. Another lovely misadventure in the dark. All my friends, who knew me well. Tell me not to wonder down that road again. What they don't know, what they can't see, is being on that road, it sets me free. Some say I'm running. I know I'm falling, back to you. The water's deep, under the bridge. As I pass by our old house up on the ridge. All our sins, have washed away. Now all that's left are all the things we didn't say. Oh restless heart, you beat so fast. While my mind is telling me that it won't last. Some say I'm running. I know I'm falling, back to you. Against the odds, I'll roll the dice. I guess my heart has won despite all good advice. So grab your things, and come on in-"
Clarice was about to sing the next line when a voice sounded behind her. Eventually she realized the voice was saying her name, and she turned around, lifting her fingers from the keys. Her eyes widened.
"Delia! What are you doing here?!"
Delia laughed, "Is that any way to treat an old friend?"
Clarice got up and almost ran to her. They hugged eachother tightly, smiles big on both of their faces.
"God I missed you." Said Clarice.
"I've missed you too, girl."
Delia and Clarice walked into the hall. They had much to catch up on.
"So, am I fired yet or do they still have hope?"
Delia stopped smiling. "They uh, they thought it was best if they let you go…"
She was surprised when she saw Clarice smile.
"Well, at least now I can contact Lecter without them breathing down my neck."
Delia knew about Lecter by then. Clarice had told her everything over the phone. She wasn't surprised when Delia was supportive in the end, although at first she was so mad she'd called her crazy, said she deserved to be there, and not talked to her for days after that. Delia nodded.
"Still haven't heard from him yet?"
"No…But I will. I know I will, I always do."
"You know you gotta tell me when you do, girl, or I'll worry about it for the rest of my life."
"I will, don't worry. In fact, I…"
Delia stopped walking and leaned closer to Clarice. Clarice took a step back.
"Yeah?"
"I think I saw him a while ago, in front of the hospital."
Delia stepped closer, putting her arm around Clarice.
"What?"
"You heard me, Delia." Clarice said, wondering what the hell her problem was.
"No I didn't, what did you say?"
Why is she so close? Why did she suddenly put her arm around me? What's in her pocket?
Then the channel switched and Clarice knew what was going on. A wire. Delia is wearing a fucking wire. Clarice burned inside, and wanted to react, but she kept herself calm. There was no way she was spending a night in Seclusion thanks to Delia.
"I said I thought my brother was him a while ago, in front of the hospital. My wishful thinking at its worst."
Delia was bad at hiding her disappointment. But her face went bright and she laughed, not realizing how incredibly fake it sounded.
"Girl, you need to let it go."
Clarice went from being mad, to being calm. Her eyes went blank and she turned and looked at Delia, no expression on her face. Delia let her arm fall to her side again.
"Tell me Delia. When you finally catch him, and turn him in, and you're standing up on that big stage waving that reward around like some kind of God, thinking it will get better, thinking that those two strikes on your name will be erased, the being black, and being a woman, and you realize it won't ever change, that they'll always hold a higher power to the men no matter what you do, go down bleeding only to be in the spotlight for a few hours, then back under the water again, and suddenly you're alone with no friends at all, all because you lied to them to get right back to where you were, tell me…Will it be worth it?"
Delia's features hardened, though Clarice could see tears in her eyes.
"Yes." She said in a low voice.
"Oh? And what about London, was that worth it?"
"What?"
"Oh don't play dumb, Ardelia, not now. When you where in London last year you met the love of your life, a man named Jason. He was everything you wanted, everything you needed. Yet you turned from him, you let him go, all just to get what you thought you wanted. Was it worth it? Huh? Was it worth it?"
Tears where running down Delia's cheeks. She never cried, ever. This was something deep.
"No…"
"I thought not. And tell me Ardelia, when you go back out there with no information and another person is put on the job, and you're brushed off like a nobody, like you have been for years, will it all be worth it? Losing the only true friend you've ever had? I could hardly see how it would be, and let me tell you, regret is fucking hell out there in the real world. It's fucking hell. And when you look back and realize it was all just a poor excuse for fame, and want to change it, want to make it better, it'll be too late. It's already to late, Ardelia. Far too late."
Clarice walked past Delia and into her room, slamming the door. Delia stood in the hallway, tears still fresh on her face from Clarice's words. They where all true. She ripped the wire out of her pocket and tore it in half, throwing it to the floor. A nurse came by and picked it up, almost forcing Delia out the door. Clarice watched through the window as Delia pulled out of the driveway, doing at least 50.
It was the last time Clarice would ever see her alive.
It was snowing. Clarice glanced from her book to the window every few minutes to make sure it was still falling. Everyone seemed to be gathered around the several windows, dazed by the snowflakes, in some sort of trance.
Not Clarice.
It was her third Christmas here, alone, without any real friends. She only had one here, and it was weird that she only had one on the outside as well. It didn't matter much to her if Christmas came, or just stayed away somewhere, hidden from view. It would all be the same to her.
She sighed and tried to concentrate on the page in her book. The words where getting harder to read, not because she was illiterate, but because she was distracted. She was so restless here, and it was getting a lot worse.
Clarice flipped ahead a few pages. She was reading "The Bell Jar" by Sylvia Plath. She eventually just shut the book and tossed it to the sofa beside her. She decided to get up and venture into the music/art room to play the piano. She was followed by a nurse, as she usually was. The nurse sat in a chair across from the piano and watched her.
She let her fingers hover above the keys for a moment, then shut her eyes. She wasn't in the Christmas mood, and she didn't feel like singing anything joyful. She let her fingers play the melancholy notes of one of her new favorite songs. Her lips parted, and she drew in a breath before singing, her eyes shut the whole time, her fingers finding the keys on instinct.
"Here I go. Restless heart. Another lovely misadventure in the dark. All my friends, who knew me well. Tell me not to wonder down that road again. What they don't know, what they can't see, is being on that road, it sets me free. Some say I'm running. I know I'm falling, back to you. The water's deep, under the bridge. As I pass by our old house up on the ridge. All our sins, have washed away. Now all that's left are all the things we didn't say. Oh restless heart, you beat so fast. While my mind is telling me that it won't last. Some say I'm running. I know I'm falling, back to you. Against the odds, I'll roll the dice. I guess my heart has won despite all good advice. So grab your things, and come on in-"
Clarice was about to sing the next line when a voice sounded behind her. Eventually she realized the voice was saying her name, and she turned around, lifting her fingers from the keys. Her eyes widened.
"Delia! What are you doing here?!"
Delia laughed, "Is that any way to treat an old friend?"
Clarice got up and almost ran to her. They hugged eachother tightly, smiles big on both of their faces.
"God I missed you." Said Clarice.
"I've missed you too, girl."
Delia and Clarice walked into the hall. They had much to catch up on.
"So, am I fired yet or do they still have hope?"
Delia stopped smiling. "They uh, they thought it was best if they let you go…"
She was surprised when she saw Clarice smile.
"Well, at least now I can contact Lecter without them breathing down my neck."
Delia knew about Lecter by then. Clarice had told her everything over the phone. She wasn't surprised when Delia was supportive in the end, although at first she was so mad she'd called her crazy, said she deserved to be there, and not talked to her for days after that. Delia nodded.
"Still haven't heard from him yet?"
"No…But I will. I know I will, I always do."
"You know you gotta tell me when you do, girl, or I'll worry about it for the rest of my life."
"I will, don't worry. In fact, I…"
Delia stopped walking and leaned closer to Clarice. Clarice took a step back.
"Yeah?"
"I think I saw him a while ago, in front of the hospital."
Delia stepped closer, putting her arm around Clarice.
"What?"
"You heard me, Delia." Clarice said, wondering what the hell her problem was.
"No I didn't, what did you say?"
Why is she so close? Why did she suddenly put her arm around me? What's in her pocket?
Then the channel switched and Clarice knew what was going on. A wire. Delia is wearing a fucking wire. Clarice burned inside, and wanted to react, but she kept herself calm. There was no way she was spending a night in Seclusion thanks to Delia.
"I said I thought my brother was him a while ago, in front of the hospital. My wishful thinking at its worst."
Delia was bad at hiding her disappointment. But her face went bright and she laughed, not realizing how incredibly fake it sounded.
"Girl, you need to let it go."
Clarice went from being mad, to being calm. Her eyes went blank and she turned and looked at Delia, no expression on her face. Delia let her arm fall to her side again.
"Tell me Delia. When you finally catch him, and turn him in, and you're standing up on that big stage waving that reward around like some kind of God, thinking it will get better, thinking that those two strikes on your name will be erased, the being black, and being a woman, and you realize it won't ever change, that they'll always hold a higher power to the men no matter what you do, go down bleeding only to be in the spotlight for a few hours, then back under the water again, and suddenly you're alone with no friends at all, all because you lied to them to get right back to where you were, tell me…Will it be worth it?"
Delia's features hardened, though Clarice could see tears in her eyes.
"Yes." She said in a low voice.
"Oh? And what about London, was that worth it?"
"What?"
"Oh don't play dumb, Ardelia, not now. When you where in London last year you met the love of your life, a man named Jason. He was everything you wanted, everything you needed. Yet you turned from him, you let him go, all just to get what you thought you wanted. Was it worth it? Huh? Was it worth it?"
Tears where running down Delia's cheeks. She never cried, ever. This was something deep.
"No…"
"I thought not. And tell me Ardelia, when you go back out there with no information and another person is put on the job, and you're brushed off like a nobody, like you have been for years, will it all be worth it? Losing the only true friend you've ever had? I could hardly see how it would be, and let me tell you, regret is fucking hell out there in the real world. It's fucking hell. And when you look back and realize it was all just a poor excuse for fame, and want to change it, want to make it better, it'll be too late. It's already to late, Ardelia. Far too late."
Clarice walked past Delia and into her room, slamming the door. Delia stood in the hallway, tears still fresh on her face from Clarice's words. They where all true. She ripped the wire out of her pocket and tore it in half, throwing it to the floor. A nurse came by and picked it up, almost forcing Delia out the door. Clarice watched through the window as Delia pulled out of the driveway, doing at least 50.
It was the last time Clarice would ever see her alive.