Disclaimer: I don't own HP or any of these characters. That belongs to JKR, Scholastic Books, Warner Brothers, etc. This is just something to pass the time while waiting for the next book.
Part II : Absolution
Forgive me for I have sinned, in what I have done and what I have failed to do.
I didn't save Cedric. I let him die before my eyes. I should have never placed in that sort of danger. What the hell was I thinking, when I kept insisting that we take the cup together? That insistence of mine cost him his life.
I'll never live it down. I'll never find forgiveness for that deed. I don't deserve it. I should have known better. I sinned when I insisted that we take it together and I sinned when I failed to save him.
I let everyone down, including myself. But at the very least, I think I've come out a little wiser. I'll never make the same mistake again. If I'm going to do something, I'll do it myself.
Ron and Hermione won't like that. I can see them protesting that sentiment even thought they're not with me. I don't care if they don't understand however. It would be nice but it's not necessary. All that matters is that I don't let anyone else die.
I don't know how to get them to accept that. I don't want to end four years of friendship—I don't want them to think I don't appreciate what they've done for me all that time. I don't want to lose them as friends. They're the closest thing to a family I've got. Also I doubt that if I just tried to walk away that they would let me.
They've both been writing to me every day. It's funny how best friends can be so different. Ron's always telling me what's going on at the Burrow, the latest pranks that the twins have made up and the new Muggle items his dad is currently raving over. It's so obvious what he's doing, trying to cheer me up by sending stories to make me laugh. It's kind of hard to laugh at his stories when they keep reminding me of things I don't have. It's even hard to laugh when I keep thinking that I've ruined a happy family like Ron's. I don't think that Cedric's parents are finding much to smile about these days.
Hermione's letters are worse. I can see her in my mind whenever I read one of her letters. I can see her biting her lip, trying not to ask if I'm okay. She knows the answer to that—I'm not but it's hard for her not to ask. She worries too much, especially over someone like me. I don't deserve such concern. It worries me to see her worry like that—I've no doubt that she would save me at the cost of her own life.
Three lives in exchange for mine is quite enough already, thank you.
I'm not as sure as Ron. In our third year, he did seem willing to risk life and limb for me. He stood up on a broken leg, for goodness' sake, and told Sirius that he couldn't kill me without going through him and Hermione first. But then we had that fight last year. It was awful to be doubted so but that doubt might save Ron. I certainly hope so. Maybe he realized during that fight that it wasn't worth his life to save mine. I'm not completely positive that he has. The rest of the year, it was like that fight had never happened. But there's something else that changed the equation.
Ron likes Hermione.
I wouldn't have expected that. They fight so much. I guess there's some basis to what people say when they call me a daft git. Ron liking Hermione is a good thing. Even if he's willing to risk his life for mine, he wouldn't do the same for Hermione. She wouldn't like us making that choice for her—she'd go on and on how it's her choice to make and how we're being male chauvinist pigs and the like, but she can't compete with the two of us. If it comes down to it, I can count on Ron to hit her over the head and take her away to some place safe.
Hermione would definitely not like that idea. She's not the type to play the damsel in distress. Even in our second year, she went down fighting. She was the only one to figure out what was petrifying everyone and then she was smart enough to use a mirror to see what was hiding around the corner.
It didn't do much good though. It saved her life, that's true, but she still wound up in the hospital wing. I may need her brilliance to help me put two and two together but I don't need her with me in the end.
Because god knows that I've already have too much blood on my hands and I can't find any absolution. Forgiveness is not for the likes of me who have sinned over and over again. I've caused three deaths, two of which were my parents. How could I ever be absolved of that? The only thing I can do is end this battle without any more lives being taken.
And if I can do that, perhaps I can live with myself once again.
Author's note—This chapter was much harder to write than the
first. I would appreciate it if you could please let me know what
you think by leaving a review. And thanks to Leeva,
ChrisMiss, Sherylyn, Eric, Nappa,
Tarawen, Brian and katie-lyn
for leaving reviews. I do appreciate it so much that you took the
time to do so.