Diaries.
By Alexandrei.
Part 2 – Balance between shadow and light.
No, those wonderful characters do not belong to me. If they did, I would not be there, writing these stuff. I would live in a marvellous villa in St Tropez, admiring the fantastic view...Anyway this is but a dream. So these characters belong to Konami Computer Entertainment Tokyo. I do not make any benefits with my poor stories so please do not bother me!
The story contains some shônen ai.
The hero's name is Lexeï.
The story (if you can call this stuff a story) is quite lame and stupid. ^^;;
Spoilers for the whole game.
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So here is part 2...Nanami's diary...
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..................
That's part 2. ^^;;;
As usual it is not great...Hum...
I have no beta-reader for this part…Sorry. If you notice mistakes then just tell me. I usually write in french (I am French after all) so there might be a lot.
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*cover*
This diary belongs to Synea.
Age: 16
Birthdate: November, 25th
Birthplace: North Window
Personnal note: Hey, sis! Don't try to steal this thing!! It is mine! So keep your hands
off my diary otherwise you will be REALLY sorry!
In case something happens to me, anyone who finds this journal can keep it. I do not care. It may be a way not to forget me...(I know it does not sound very optimistic)
*******
November, 30th _ North Window Castle_
I do not know why I am doing this. Really I do not.
I found this old diary while I was tidying a room. All I know is that it belonged to a girl (well I suppose it is a girl) named Synea.
So why am I doing this? Why am I writing in this old thing?
Of course it is written in the cover that "anyone who finds this journal can keep it"...But I do not want to have that kind of stuff!
It feels like someone is telling me that I have to continue writing...Odd...I do not like it at all.
Anyway, since I have just scribbled down something I guess I have done my part of the job. There is no reason why I should go on, right?
I had better stop writing, I feel stupid.
Nanami.
December, 1st
Okay.
So I am writing again...There must be something seriously wrong with me.
Since this thing belonged to someone who lived in North Window years ago, I had thought that Viktor might have liked to have it. Surprisingly enough, he just said that he did not want to have it, not now...that he was not ready to face his past yet. He looked so sad...And then he told me to keep it. He even added that it would be a good idea to continue writing...
Here is my little story to explain why I am still writing in this stupid thing.
Heh, I have not told my brother yet. He is going to laugh...I should not have offered him a diary for his birthday...
Oh well, I can live with that...
Well, it is time to introduce myself.
My name is Nanami, aged sixteen, and I come from Kyaro.
For the moment I stay at North Window Castle because I joined the Dragon Army, to fight Highland Kingdom. To tell the truth I joined because I care too much about my little brother. He is just so very naive, I have to protect him.
Grandpa Genkaku raised us. We are both adopted children, but I guess it does not matter because we loved Genkaku as if he was our real grandfather. I have cried so much when he died...
And I love Lex as if he were my real brother. He is my only family left.
We had a friend, Jowy. Unfortunately, he "betrayed" us and now we have to fight against him. War circumstances I guess. But I know he really is a good person. I believe he has a good reason to act that way. I still hope that one day we will be together again: me, Jowy and Lexeï...
Geez, I am getting too serious and it annoys me...
It is late anyway, so I am going to bed.
December, 5th
I cannot believe I am still writing...But well...
I tried to convince Viktor again, but he refused to take it...
That may be the reason why I am sitting on my bed, with a pen in my hand, writing. Haha.
I have made some research today. No I am not kidding. I wanted to find some informations about "Synea". I know it would be more simple to read what she (or he) has written in the first pages as an introduction. But I think I do not dare reading, because I do not feel I have the right to. I mean, she deserves some privacy, it is none of my business after all.
I cannot explain those strange feelings and thoughts...Must be my imagination. Anyway I have not found anything. It does not mean I give up.
December, 14th
The battle was tough. Our enemy, general Kiba (if I remember rightly), is a very strong opponent. He has a son, Klaus,who is said to be the best strategist in Highland. Impressive. My bro keeps talking about this brilliant young man, praising his skills, his maturity and so on. Obviously he sincerely admires him...Heheh...this is quite interesting: I have something more to tease him about! I am his sister after all.
December, 17th
I think I am getting used to this diary thing. Actually it is not that bad to be able to express your thoughts and feelings on a page. I mean, usually I do not have much time to talk with my brother or to have any kind of relationships with the others. There is so much on my mind and I cannot always voice everything. Consequently I guess that this diary is somehow useful. It enables me to free my heart from any heavy secrets or something...
December, 19th
I never thought we could do it. But we did. We won that particularly hard battle.
Kiba and Klaus are fighting by our side now. Kiba is quite a strong man. And Klaus...Well...He is very handsome (haha), clever, mature...(My bro was right...)But he is not very talkative, that is a shame, since he has a rather beautiful voice...But I am digressing.
What I really wanted to write was about my bro.
I must say he impressed me.
And he worried me as well.
He became so strong. I wonder if he still needs me to protect him. At least, I am sure he will always need me to take care of him! I must admit it reassured me to see his strenght. But that is not what worried me.
I saw him fight... His face was so serene...And his eyes...
So cool and empty.
It almost scared me. I have never seen my brother like this. So detached. I know how much he dislikes war and battles.
But today, something has changed.
And I did not recognize him on the battlefield.
I do not like that at all.
Decmber, 23rd
Hey! I am thinking about something very important (great time for realisations, is it not?)!! It is nearly Christmas and I have not bought any presents yet!! Oh my god!!!
No, seriously, I do not have any ideas...This is a very big problem and it happens every year...
Well I have got to go. I promised to meet Klaus. He wanted to ask me something... Interesting... I'll tell you about it tomorrow, if I have time!
I must go insane, because I am talking to my diary as if it was a human being...
December, 24th
You'll never guess what Klaus wanted yesterday!!!! He wanted to know what kind of presents he could offer Lex!!!! He was so shy...and he was blushing!! All the signs were there!!! I knew it!
Here is a little list :
1/ He became friend with Lex, rather quickly (five days), whereas he is a bit reserved with the other stars.
2/ He always choose a seat close to where Lex is during the gatherings (it makes Shu jealous).
3/ His eyes and his voice always soften when he speaks to Lex.
4/ He smiles only for Lex. (how lucky!!!)
5/ When Lex smiles back he blushes slightly.
6/ At meals, he keeps glancing to my bro from time to time.
7/ He does not appreciate (and me neither) the fact that Shu keeps following my bro everywhere and a little too closely.
8/ He does not appreciate any guys around Lex.
Aha.
Obviously he has fallen for Lex (it must be a kind of miracle). That is so cute!
As far as I am concerned I advised this wonderful young man to get him a book.
Yes, my brother loves reading (okay, he does not look clever (this is only my personal opinion), but seriously he is...well, I guess he is, but you never know...): sad love stories, detective stories, plays...
Anyway, Klaus thanked me warmly (he is so nice!!).
Well, now I want to go and see what Lex thinks about Klaus...Heheh, this is going to be fun.
December, 24th (late at night)
I forgot to tell you something very important!!!
You know my dear diary, you are almost like a friend for me now...I know it sounds odd.
December, 25th
Can you guess what Klaus offered Lex?
A book!!!!
Thanks to my wise piece of advice.
I had thought that Lex would offer something to Klaus...but he did not. Have I been reading him wrong? I sincerely believed...Well, there must be a logical explanation.
I am sure that Klaus is a bit upset. Poor Klaus. I will go and see him after lunch.
December, 30th
We did it. We won.
And we killed him. We killed Luka Blight. We killed that monster.
I am not "happy" about that. But I am satisfied because he has paid for all his crimes and he will not hurt people anymore.
As for my brother...Well he seems a bit shocked...and there is something else, but I cannot say what, that is disturbing him. I hope he is allright.
Well, it is late. So, that is all for today.
Good night.
December, 30th (late at night)
As I went to check if my bro was okay, I heard him cry. It was rather a muffled sound, but I know him well enough to understand that he was weeping. I think that he keeps torturing himself with Luka's death. I still wonder why, though. I mean everyone else is relieved to know that he is dead, therefore we may assume that his death is rather a good thing. So, why does he mourn for him?? It worries me to see him like that. The worst is that I do not know what to do.
January, 5th
Has my brother, my beloved brother, gone CRAZY ??
He does not eat, does not sleep, does not want me to take care of him and yet he continues ruling this castle and his army, like it is nothing.
I told Shu and Klaus about this little "problem". They tried to help me and convince him to have some rest at least, they really did. In vain. He did not listen to what we think about his behaviour and it angered me.
Klaus looked even more worried than I, and he tried everything he could to help me, using any arguments he could find. And Lex just told him to go to hell. I think I have never seen someone so hurt and desperate. I nearly believed he was about to cry...Poor Klaus.
January, 14th
It has been a while since I wrote, I know. And I am sincerely sorry, but I have been so busy lately.
I do not know what to do anymore. He will not let me help. I cannot even approach him. I barely recognize him. He is like a total stranger to me and this is really frightening.
Yes, I am talking about my little brother.
He became so rude and almost violent. It is very hard for people to go and talk to him. He does not listen to them, does not pay attention to their problems even when it is about war, strategies, opponents. He does not seem to care anymore. He became deaf to the world that surrounds him.
I do not understand what is wrong with him. I just feel pain, a lot of pain, sorrow, despair and hatred emanating from his aura.
And his eyes are...haunted. The light that shone in his eyes has faded away, shadowed by... something. I do not like his gaze. It is really chilling. It seems to say something like "kill me before I kill you all".
And I feel so powerless. It is awful...All this sadness and guilt...
Does it have something to do with Luka's death?
Moreover, Klaus looks very affected by this change. But he still cares about Lex. He is such a nice person, I would hate to see him hurt.
January, 19th
They all said my brother had gone insane. The truth is even worst and more frightening.
No, I am not as calm as people may think. How can I be calm after what I have seen? After what Huan has told me?
Actually I am shaking. I can barely write properly; my pen threatens to fall every ten seconds. I am so nervous that I cannot control my reactions.
I do not know how I feel exactly.
I am scared to death.
I am mad at him.
At myself.
I am worried sick.
I want to cry.
I want to scream.
I want to give vent to my pain.
Well, you may want to know what has happened. I need to write this down otherwise I would break down soon.
As I told you before, my brother is now considered as crazy. That is what people generally think. As far as I am concerned, I just know he has a problem. And today...Well today he tried to kill himself. He really did. Huan told me that Klaus had found him in the baths. He had his wrists open. He lost a lot of blood. Huan is not sure that he will be okay.
And I am there. In my room. Crying.
Lex, I wish you told me what is wrong with you. Please, let me help you. Do not make me suffer like this. It is unbearable.
I hate this.
January, 20th
Lex is still unconscious. That is what Klaus has reported to me. He is so very kind. He even accepted to stay by my brother's side in my stead. Do not get me wrong. I still love my brother, nothing has changed...but it is just that I fear that...I do not want to blame myself for what has happened. Though the moment I will see him, I know I will.
You know, I am very grateful to Klaus for everything. My brother is so lucky that someone cares so much for him. And he does not even know that. I think that is the worst because Klaus is really hurt to be rejected that way. However in his heart of hearts my Lex did not mean any harm.
I hope the situation will get better soon.
January, 23rd
Lex has finally awoken. He is still a bit weak but he is out of danger for the moment. Of course that is if he rests quietly and eats properly.
I saw Klaus this morning, he looked so relieved. He was very exhausted as well; Huan told me that he took care of my brother day and night with devotion, never allowing himself to rest unless necessary. He should get some sleep otherwise he will collapse from exhaustion.
As for my brother...I do not know...I wonder what is going to happen now...
January, 25th
My brother has been allowed to go back to his room. However he still does not want any company, not even mine. I still do not know what his problem exactly is...
Meanwhile Shu is busy running the castle, organizing the troops and planning the battles. It must be very exhausting for him, but well he does not really have the choice.
As for Klaus, he is not of a great help for the moment. He looks utterly depressed, staring off space most of the time, not paying attention to the world around him anymore...probably because of my brother, once again. I think he has fallen very deep for Lex, otherwise he would not be as affected as he is at the moment. His father told me that he has never seen Klaus like that. Usually he controls his emotions and rarely allowed them to be known..
Does Lex realise how much it hurts to be rejected in such a way? Does he even know that there are still people here who care for him?
No I do not think he knows...because there is so much hatred in his eyes and so much pain as well...all those feelings are blinding him. Maybe he regrets everything he has done...I cannot tell for sure.
January, 31st
For today I prefer talking about something else. I want to relax a bit. So here I am, in the great library. You know, I like this place. It is so peaceful and it always manages to soothe me. Anyway I am here to continue my research on the mysterious Synea. No it is not an obcession; I am just curious and I cannot explain why I feel so. It has been a while since my last research...I hope I will find something this time. I am so unlucky usually...
January, 31st (late at night)
I was right. I have not found anything about this Synea...Should I give up?
February, 2nd
Lex gets weirder and weirder...All of a sudden he breaks into tears and the minute that follows he is yelling and insulting everyone, before weeping again. At night I can hear him sob and this is really tormenting me. I need to know what scares him so much, what tears his heart like that.
Tonight I will talk to him. No matter what, I will. He cannot go on like this, neither can I.
February, 3rd
We talked a lot yesterday evening.
Of course, at the beginning he did not want to see me, he even told me to go to hell. But I managed to convince him to let me come in. I am still unsure why he finally accepted to open his door, but at least it means that he has not forgotten I was his sister. Or maybe he wanted to get rid of me as soon as possible, and that was the only way...
Anyway, he let me in. You know, it had been a while since I last went to his room; however I did not expected to find it so messy. His beloved books were scattered on the floor, his pillows were torn, various broken objects lay a bit everywhere...Even the walls wore scars, as if a knife had dug into them. I did not dare asking him what he was doing when I came, because he had that frightening look on his face. He glared at me, asking why I was bothering him. I just sat on his bed silently, never taking my eyes off him.
He turned away from me and began pacing restlessly in his room, muttering. He became rude, saying that everyone here was stupid enough to fight for a lost cause, that he did not want to see them because he did not care about them and their miserable lives and homes, he even added that since he never had a real family, he did not see any reason why they could have one...
That was the moment I lost my temper. I got up from my seat and slapped him hard. I had never dared raising a hand against him in the past but he went too far this time.
I do not think he expected the blow. His eyes has widened a bit and he stared at me. Finally he managed to choke out a coherent sentence. He asked me why I slapped him.
He had not even realised what horrible things he said a few minutes ago...
I did the only thing that came to my mind. I threw my arms around his neck to hold him gently...and I cried on his shoulder. I begged him to tell me why he had acted the way he did. And he told me.
I would never have guessed his answer by myself...So, Luka was the reason. He explained that he was a monster even worst than Luka, that he was completely worthless to everyone, that he did not deserve to love and to be loved in return. He believed he was evil...He also told me about his dreams and his obcessions.
I never thought he would feel so guilty after killing the mad prince. I tried to reassure him, to tell him that he was but kind and gentle. In vain. Then he began to cry. I stayed with him until he fell asleep.
I wish I knew what to do.
February, 10th
Obviously our little conversation has changed something in Lex's behaviour. He seems a bit more calm. That does not mean that he will be okay ; all I know is that it is only temporary. I must find another solution to help him, something that would last. I think I will talk about this with Huan and Shu after dinner.
For the moment I am trying to think about how I could make Klaus help...I do not know if he is still in love with my brother ; anyhow he is still affected by what has happened lately. I really want to see them together, you know. They are so perfect for each other. Moreover I do not want to see them so hurt and lonely.
So here are my plans: first I have to help my brother and then, I will have to play matchmaker!
February, 15th
I met Shu and Huan to expose my little plan. They had asked some other stars to come as well in case I would need their help. If I remember rightly they were Flik, Viktor, Leona, and Hilda. They totally agree with me and they said that they would do their best to help me. Well in fact, Shu is not very happy with the second part of my plan, that is to say the part in which I planned to get Klaus and my bro together. But well, I prefer Klaus to Shu...
February, 17th
Well, my brother had really stunned me this time. No, do not get me wrong, he has not done anything bad. He just decided to do something about his "problem". He admitted that he had thought about this solution for a long time but that he was too afraid to try. He added it was thanks to me that he finally found the courage to do it.
Actually he wants to go back to the place where it has all begun and take some time off. He wants to think about everything but alone so that noone would be hurt anymore.
He also asked me if I could help him to pack some stuff. I accepted of course. You know, for a brief moment he reminded me of my real brother, the one he was before.
February, 25th
There, my brother is gone. I hope he will be allright. He is still a bit weak from his..."attempt". But, obviously this little trip is what he needs and as a result there is not much that I can do. I feel lonely when he is not there. It reminds me the first time he left home with Jowy. I was so very afraid that he might not come back safe and sound...It is the same feeling today. Ah, I guess I worry too much...Well I am going to the library and I am taking you with me, if you do not mind...
By Alexandrei.
Part 2 – Balance between shadow and light.
No, those wonderful characters do not belong to me. If they did, I would not be there, writing these stuff. I would live in a marvellous villa in St Tropez, admiring the fantastic view...Anyway this is but a dream. So these characters belong to Konami Computer Entertainment Tokyo. I do not make any benefits with my poor stories so please do not bother me!
The story contains some shônen ai.
The hero's name is Lexeï.
The story (if you can call this stuff a story) is quite lame and stupid. ^^;;
Spoilers for the whole game.
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So here is part 2...Nanami's diary...
..................
..................
That's part 2. ^^;;;
As usual it is not great...Hum...
I have no beta-reader for this part…Sorry. If you notice mistakes then just tell me. I usually write in french (I am French after all) so there might be a lot.
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*cover*
This diary belongs to Synea.
Age: 16
Birthdate: November, 25th
Birthplace: North Window
Personnal note: Hey, sis! Don't try to steal this thing!! It is mine! So keep your hands
off my diary otherwise you will be REALLY sorry!
In case something happens to me, anyone who finds this journal can keep it. I do not care. It may be a way not to forget me...(I know it does not sound very optimistic)
*******
November, 30th _ North Window Castle_
I do not know why I am doing this. Really I do not.
I found this old diary while I was tidying a room. All I know is that it belonged to a girl (well I suppose it is a girl) named Synea.
So why am I doing this? Why am I writing in this old thing?
Of course it is written in the cover that "anyone who finds this journal can keep it"...But I do not want to have that kind of stuff!
It feels like someone is telling me that I have to continue writing...Odd...I do not like it at all.
Anyway, since I have just scribbled down something I guess I have done my part of the job. There is no reason why I should go on, right?
I had better stop writing, I feel stupid.
Nanami.
December, 1st
Okay.
So I am writing again...There must be something seriously wrong with me.
Since this thing belonged to someone who lived in North Window years ago, I had thought that Viktor might have liked to have it. Surprisingly enough, he just said that he did not want to have it, not now...that he was not ready to face his past yet. He looked so sad...And then he told me to keep it. He even added that it would be a good idea to continue writing...
Here is my little story to explain why I am still writing in this stupid thing.
Heh, I have not told my brother yet. He is going to laugh...I should not have offered him a diary for his birthday...
Oh well, I can live with that...
Well, it is time to introduce myself.
My name is Nanami, aged sixteen, and I come from Kyaro.
For the moment I stay at North Window Castle because I joined the Dragon Army, to fight Highland Kingdom. To tell the truth I joined because I care too much about my little brother. He is just so very naive, I have to protect him.
Grandpa Genkaku raised us. We are both adopted children, but I guess it does not matter because we loved Genkaku as if he was our real grandfather. I have cried so much when he died...
And I love Lex as if he were my real brother. He is my only family left.
We had a friend, Jowy. Unfortunately, he "betrayed" us and now we have to fight against him. War circumstances I guess. But I know he really is a good person. I believe he has a good reason to act that way. I still hope that one day we will be together again: me, Jowy and Lexeï...
Geez, I am getting too serious and it annoys me...
It is late anyway, so I am going to bed.
December, 5th
I cannot believe I am still writing...But well...
I tried to convince Viktor again, but he refused to take it...
That may be the reason why I am sitting on my bed, with a pen in my hand, writing. Haha.
I have made some research today. No I am not kidding. I wanted to find some informations about "Synea". I know it would be more simple to read what she (or he) has written in the first pages as an introduction. But I think I do not dare reading, because I do not feel I have the right to. I mean, she deserves some privacy, it is none of my business after all.
I cannot explain those strange feelings and thoughts...Must be my imagination. Anyway I have not found anything. It does not mean I give up.
December, 14th
The battle was tough. Our enemy, general Kiba (if I remember rightly), is a very strong opponent. He has a son, Klaus,who is said to be the best strategist in Highland. Impressive. My bro keeps talking about this brilliant young man, praising his skills, his maturity and so on. Obviously he sincerely admires him...Heheh...this is quite interesting: I have something more to tease him about! I am his sister after all.
December, 17th
I think I am getting used to this diary thing. Actually it is not that bad to be able to express your thoughts and feelings on a page. I mean, usually I do not have much time to talk with my brother or to have any kind of relationships with the others. There is so much on my mind and I cannot always voice everything. Consequently I guess that this diary is somehow useful. It enables me to free my heart from any heavy secrets or something...
December, 19th
I never thought we could do it. But we did. We won that particularly hard battle.
Kiba and Klaus are fighting by our side now. Kiba is quite a strong man. And Klaus...Well...He is very handsome (haha), clever, mature...(My bro was right...)But he is not very talkative, that is a shame, since he has a rather beautiful voice...But I am digressing.
What I really wanted to write was about my bro.
I must say he impressed me.
And he worried me as well.
He became so strong. I wonder if he still needs me to protect him. At least, I am sure he will always need me to take care of him! I must admit it reassured me to see his strenght. But that is not what worried me.
I saw him fight... His face was so serene...And his eyes...
So cool and empty.
It almost scared me. I have never seen my brother like this. So detached. I know how much he dislikes war and battles.
But today, something has changed.
And I did not recognize him on the battlefield.
I do not like that at all.
Decmber, 23rd
Hey! I am thinking about something very important (great time for realisations, is it not?)!! It is nearly Christmas and I have not bought any presents yet!! Oh my god!!!
No, seriously, I do not have any ideas...This is a very big problem and it happens every year...
Well I have got to go. I promised to meet Klaus. He wanted to ask me something... Interesting... I'll tell you about it tomorrow, if I have time!
I must go insane, because I am talking to my diary as if it was a human being...
December, 24th
You'll never guess what Klaus wanted yesterday!!!! He wanted to know what kind of presents he could offer Lex!!!! He was so shy...and he was blushing!! All the signs were there!!! I knew it!
Here is a little list :
1/ He became friend with Lex, rather quickly (five days), whereas he is a bit reserved with the other stars.
2/ He always choose a seat close to where Lex is during the gatherings (it makes Shu jealous).
3/ His eyes and his voice always soften when he speaks to Lex.
4/ He smiles only for Lex. (how lucky!!!)
5/ When Lex smiles back he blushes slightly.
6/ At meals, he keeps glancing to my bro from time to time.
7/ He does not appreciate (and me neither) the fact that Shu keeps following my bro everywhere and a little too closely.
8/ He does not appreciate any guys around Lex.
Aha.
Obviously he has fallen for Lex (it must be a kind of miracle). That is so cute!
As far as I am concerned I advised this wonderful young man to get him a book.
Yes, my brother loves reading (okay, he does not look clever (this is only my personal opinion), but seriously he is...well, I guess he is, but you never know...): sad love stories, detective stories, plays...
Anyway, Klaus thanked me warmly (he is so nice!!).
Well, now I want to go and see what Lex thinks about Klaus...Heheh, this is going to be fun.
December, 24th (late at night)
I forgot to tell you something very important!!!
You know my dear diary, you are almost like a friend for me now...I know it sounds odd.
December, 25th
Can you guess what Klaus offered Lex?
A book!!!!
Thanks to my wise piece of advice.
I had thought that Lex would offer something to Klaus...but he did not. Have I been reading him wrong? I sincerely believed...Well, there must be a logical explanation.
I am sure that Klaus is a bit upset. Poor Klaus. I will go and see him after lunch.
December, 30th
We did it. We won.
And we killed him. We killed Luka Blight. We killed that monster.
I am not "happy" about that. But I am satisfied because he has paid for all his crimes and he will not hurt people anymore.
As for my brother...Well he seems a bit shocked...and there is something else, but I cannot say what, that is disturbing him. I hope he is allright.
Well, it is late. So, that is all for today.
Good night.
December, 30th (late at night)
As I went to check if my bro was okay, I heard him cry. It was rather a muffled sound, but I know him well enough to understand that he was weeping. I think that he keeps torturing himself with Luka's death. I still wonder why, though. I mean everyone else is relieved to know that he is dead, therefore we may assume that his death is rather a good thing. So, why does he mourn for him?? It worries me to see him like that. The worst is that I do not know what to do.
January, 5th
Has my brother, my beloved brother, gone CRAZY ??
He does not eat, does not sleep, does not want me to take care of him and yet he continues ruling this castle and his army, like it is nothing.
I told Shu and Klaus about this little "problem". They tried to help me and convince him to have some rest at least, they really did. In vain. He did not listen to what we think about his behaviour and it angered me.
Klaus looked even more worried than I, and he tried everything he could to help me, using any arguments he could find. And Lex just told him to go to hell. I think I have never seen someone so hurt and desperate. I nearly believed he was about to cry...Poor Klaus.
January, 14th
It has been a while since I wrote, I know. And I am sincerely sorry, but I have been so busy lately.
I do not know what to do anymore. He will not let me help. I cannot even approach him. I barely recognize him. He is like a total stranger to me and this is really frightening.
Yes, I am talking about my little brother.
He became so rude and almost violent. It is very hard for people to go and talk to him. He does not listen to them, does not pay attention to their problems even when it is about war, strategies, opponents. He does not seem to care anymore. He became deaf to the world that surrounds him.
I do not understand what is wrong with him. I just feel pain, a lot of pain, sorrow, despair and hatred emanating from his aura.
And his eyes are...haunted. The light that shone in his eyes has faded away, shadowed by... something. I do not like his gaze. It is really chilling. It seems to say something like "kill me before I kill you all".
And I feel so powerless. It is awful...All this sadness and guilt...
Does it have something to do with Luka's death?
Moreover, Klaus looks very affected by this change. But he still cares about Lex. He is such a nice person, I would hate to see him hurt.
January, 19th
They all said my brother had gone insane. The truth is even worst and more frightening.
No, I am not as calm as people may think. How can I be calm after what I have seen? After what Huan has told me?
Actually I am shaking. I can barely write properly; my pen threatens to fall every ten seconds. I am so nervous that I cannot control my reactions.
I do not know how I feel exactly.
I am scared to death.
I am mad at him.
At myself.
I am worried sick.
I want to cry.
I want to scream.
I want to give vent to my pain.
Well, you may want to know what has happened. I need to write this down otherwise I would break down soon.
As I told you before, my brother is now considered as crazy. That is what people generally think. As far as I am concerned, I just know he has a problem. And today...Well today he tried to kill himself. He really did. Huan told me that Klaus had found him in the baths. He had his wrists open. He lost a lot of blood. Huan is not sure that he will be okay.
And I am there. In my room. Crying.
Lex, I wish you told me what is wrong with you. Please, let me help you. Do not make me suffer like this. It is unbearable.
I hate this.
January, 20th
Lex is still unconscious. That is what Klaus has reported to me. He is so very kind. He even accepted to stay by my brother's side in my stead. Do not get me wrong. I still love my brother, nothing has changed...but it is just that I fear that...I do not want to blame myself for what has happened. Though the moment I will see him, I know I will.
You know, I am very grateful to Klaus for everything. My brother is so lucky that someone cares so much for him. And he does not even know that. I think that is the worst because Klaus is really hurt to be rejected that way. However in his heart of hearts my Lex did not mean any harm.
I hope the situation will get better soon.
January, 23rd
Lex has finally awoken. He is still a bit weak but he is out of danger for the moment. Of course that is if he rests quietly and eats properly.
I saw Klaus this morning, he looked so relieved. He was very exhausted as well; Huan told me that he took care of my brother day and night with devotion, never allowing himself to rest unless necessary. He should get some sleep otherwise he will collapse from exhaustion.
As for my brother...I do not know...I wonder what is going to happen now...
January, 25th
My brother has been allowed to go back to his room. However he still does not want any company, not even mine. I still do not know what his problem exactly is...
Meanwhile Shu is busy running the castle, organizing the troops and planning the battles. It must be very exhausting for him, but well he does not really have the choice.
As for Klaus, he is not of a great help for the moment. He looks utterly depressed, staring off space most of the time, not paying attention to the world around him anymore...probably because of my brother, once again. I think he has fallen very deep for Lex, otherwise he would not be as affected as he is at the moment. His father told me that he has never seen Klaus like that. Usually he controls his emotions and rarely allowed them to be known..
Does Lex realise how much it hurts to be rejected in such a way? Does he even know that there are still people here who care for him?
No I do not think he knows...because there is so much hatred in his eyes and so much pain as well...all those feelings are blinding him. Maybe he regrets everything he has done...I cannot tell for sure.
January, 31st
For today I prefer talking about something else. I want to relax a bit. So here I am, in the great library. You know, I like this place. It is so peaceful and it always manages to soothe me. Anyway I am here to continue my research on the mysterious Synea. No it is not an obcession; I am just curious and I cannot explain why I feel so. It has been a while since my last research...I hope I will find something this time. I am so unlucky usually...
January, 31st (late at night)
I was right. I have not found anything about this Synea...Should I give up?
February, 2nd
Lex gets weirder and weirder...All of a sudden he breaks into tears and the minute that follows he is yelling and insulting everyone, before weeping again. At night I can hear him sob and this is really tormenting me. I need to know what scares him so much, what tears his heart like that.
Tonight I will talk to him. No matter what, I will. He cannot go on like this, neither can I.
February, 3rd
We talked a lot yesterday evening.
Of course, at the beginning he did not want to see me, he even told me to go to hell. But I managed to convince him to let me come in. I am still unsure why he finally accepted to open his door, but at least it means that he has not forgotten I was his sister. Or maybe he wanted to get rid of me as soon as possible, and that was the only way...
Anyway, he let me in. You know, it had been a while since I last went to his room; however I did not expected to find it so messy. His beloved books were scattered on the floor, his pillows were torn, various broken objects lay a bit everywhere...Even the walls wore scars, as if a knife had dug into them. I did not dare asking him what he was doing when I came, because he had that frightening look on his face. He glared at me, asking why I was bothering him. I just sat on his bed silently, never taking my eyes off him.
He turned away from me and began pacing restlessly in his room, muttering. He became rude, saying that everyone here was stupid enough to fight for a lost cause, that he did not want to see them because he did not care about them and their miserable lives and homes, he even added that since he never had a real family, he did not see any reason why they could have one...
That was the moment I lost my temper. I got up from my seat and slapped him hard. I had never dared raising a hand against him in the past but he went too far this time.
I do not think he expected the blow. His eyes has widened a bit and he stared at me. Finally he managed to choke out a coherent sentence. He asked me why I slapped him.
He had not even realised what horrible things he said a few minutes ago...
I did the only thing that came to my mind. I threw my arms around his neck to hold him gently...and I cried on his shoulder. I begged him to tell me why he had acted the way he did. And he told me.
I would never have guessed his answer by myself...So, Luka was the reason. He explained that he was a monster even worst than Luka, that he was completely worthless to everyone, that he did not deserve to love and to be loved in return. He believed he was evil...He also told me about his dreams and his obcessions.
I never thought he would feel so guilty after killing the mad prince. I tried to reassure him, to tell him that he was but kind and gentle. In vain. Then he began to cry. I stayed with him until he fell asleep.
I wish I knew what to do.
February, 10th
Obviously our little conversation has changed something in Lex's behaviour. He seems a bit more calm. That does not mean that he will be okay ; all I know is that it is only temporary. I must find another solution to help him, something that would last. I think I will talk about this with Huan and Shu after dinner.
For the moment I am trying to think about how I could make Klaus help...I do not know if he is still in love with my brother ; anyhow he is still affected by what has happened lately. I really want to see them together, you know. They are so perfect for each other. Moreover I do not want to see them so hurt and lonely.
So here are my plans: first I have to help my brother and then, I will have to play matchmaker!
February, 15th
I met Shu and Huan to expose my little plan. They had asked some other stars to come as well in case I would need their help. If I remember rightly they were Flik, Viktor, Leona, and Hilda. They totally agree with me and they said that they would do their best to help me. Well in fact, Shu is not very happy with the second part of my plan, that is to say the part in which I planned to get Klaus and my bro together. But well, I prefer Klaus to Shu...
February, 17th
Well, my brother had really stunned me this time. No, do not get me wrong, he has not done anything bad. He just decided to do something about his "problem". He admitted that he had thought about this solution for a long time but that he was too afraid to try. He added it was thanks to me that he finally found the courage to do it.
Actually he wants to go back to the place where it has all begun and take some time off. He wants to think about everything but alone so that noone would be hurt anymore.
He also asked me if I could help him to pack some stuff. I accepted of course. You know, for a brief moment he reminded me of my real brother, the one he was before.
February, 25th
There, my brother is gone. I hope he will be allright. He is still a bit weak from his..."attempt". But, obviously this little trip is what he needs and as a result there is not much that I can do. I feel lonely when he is not there. It reminds me the first time he left home with Jowy. I was so very afraid that he might not come back safe and sound...It is the same feeling today. Ah, I guess I worry too much...Well I am going to the library and I am taking you with me, if you do not mind...