Diaries.
By Alexandrei.
Part 3 – Light from a lonely soul.
No, those wonderful characters do not belong to me. If they did, I would not be there, writing these stuff. I would live in a marvellous villa in St Tropez, admiring the fantastic view...Anyway this is but a dream. So these characters belong to Konami Computer Entertainment Tokyo. I do not make any benefits with my poor stories so please do not bother me!
The story contains some shônen ai.
The hero's name is Lexeï.
The story (if you can call this stuff a story) is quite lame and stupid. ^^;;
Spoilers for the whole game.
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This is the third part...wow I am so impressed...I have never thought I would go this far....
Well, this is Klaus'point of view.
I guess I should return to my work and finish this story as soon as possible?
I have no beta-reader for this part…Sorry. If you notice mistakes then just tell me. I usually write in french (I am French after all) so there might be a lot.
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December, 23rd
I never thought I would keep a diary one day... I have never had the time actually...
Why do I start one today? Because a lot of things have changed in my life and I need to confide my burden. As a result I thought that starting a diary would not be a bad idea.
Anyway, I think I should fill this diary with personal informations as an introduction.
My name is Klaus and I was born in L'Renouille, capital of Highland. I am nineteen years old. My father is a former general of Highland. He and I fight with the Dragon Army now. It is quite an awkward situation...What I mean is that we are fighting against our own country...But I do not want to talk about all those events that happened before we joined this side.
This Dragon Army is led by a fifteen-years-old adolescent named Lexeï.
Silky dark hair, a set of luminous brown eyes, pale and soft skin...Perfect. That is the only word I can think of to describe his looks. As for his personality, he is kind, gentle and strong at the same time. However he is kind of shy and withdrawn from time to time...That is cute. He can be very stubborn too but I know he always means well.
He really impressed me the first time we met. I never forgot him from this very moment I laid my eyes on him. I just knew I had found what was missing to my soul.
Even if I have not known him for a very long time, I dare say he is the only one for me. People may have found strange the fact that I became friend with Lexeï so quickly, but I do not really mind as long as I can be with him...
As Christmas is in a few days I wanted to get a present that would please him. As a result I asked lady Nanami, his sister, what he would appreciate. When I had the information, I rushed to South Window and bought the item: a book. Yes, my lovely leader is a book lover...
I hope he will like the story.
I think I have written enough for today; besides it is getting late. Good night.
December, 25th
Finally Christmas. Time really flies, does it not ?
Today I offered Lexeï the book and I think I have surprised him. Obviously he did not expect me to give him something...I know he has received many other gifts, from lady Nanami of course but also from sir Flik, miss Leona...and Shu, the other strategist. I must admit I do not really like this man. He is very brilliant and represents a major asset, of course, but that does not give him the right to follow my Lexeï everywhere. Well, I wish he were mine. This is bothering me because I cannot help feeling jealous.
I must have fallen hard for this enchanting adolescent, otherwise I would not be here in my room, sighing over him. This is so "new"...I have never felt like this before and yet I already have experience with love...I had some girlfriends and even a boyfriend... But at no time have I enjoyed real and strong feelings. I hope, though, that it will not affect my work.
As for me, I received a lot of presents too. Most of them were sent by people I do not even know. My father told me that they were probably admirers... I know he disapprove of them because he fears someone might break my heart one day and so he tries to protect me by every means...But my heart is already held by him.
Lexeï.
I cannot love anyone else. He has so much power over me ; I wonder if he is aware of this fact.
Probably not ; he is so innocent and naive...
Does he have feelings for me? What does he think about me? Is he already in love with someone?
So many questions and not enough answers.
December, 30th
Luka Blight is dead. Today we managed to defeat him thanks to Leon Silverberg's help. If he had not sent this message to warn us, we would have never guessed Luka's intentions. As a result Shu and I worked very hard to find the best way to put an end to the mad prince's life. And we succeded. Our strategy went perfectly well and we won.
Tonight the troops are celebrating and the other stars as well. However my young lord looked a little pale. I tried to ask him if everything was alright and he just told me not worry for him. His smile was so weak and his voice very tired. I think he is still a bit shocked with what happened. I hope he will be fine tomorrow.
As far as I am concerned I am too exhausted to go downstairs and enjoy the feast. I am going to bed now. Good night.
December, 31st
The war is not over yet. Lord Jowy (or should I say king Jowy? ), has sent a message to warn us that as long as he and Lexeï were alive, the war will go on and on...until one of them dies. The simple thought makes me shiver. I just cannot imagine what my life would be if my gentle lord disappeared... But I trust him ; I know he is strong.
On the other hand I feel jealous again and I keep wondering how close my lord and his friend Jowy really were. But I am guilty to have such ideas, because there are more important matters than my love and heart. I have to think about the battles and nothing else. I have to concentrate.
January, 6th
My gentle lord has not been himself lately. He does not eat well enough and barely sleeps...I am seriously alarmed. If he goes on like this he will soon collapse. Though, in spite of his obvious frail condition, he still runs the castle and his army. On lady Nanami's request, Shu and I tried to convince him to get some rest for a day or two at least but he would just deliberately ignore our advice.
Shu quickly gave up but I did not. I care too much for my young lord to let him down. I am sure he has serious problems but he does not dare talk about them to us. He fears that we might not understand. Maybe we will not. Maybe I will not. But that does not keep me from trying to help.
Of course it hurts to be rejected that way, but I do not mind as long as I can be beside him. I want to be here for him...Does he know how important he is to me? Probably not, otherwise, I would not be in my room half crying over him.
January, 12th
I still do not know what the problem is. I tried to think about every event that might have affected my lord, and I believe that Luka's death must be the cause of all his troubles. However I do not understand how it could truly disturb him. I mean, I thought he was happy to know that peace may reign again, that he would be able to have his friend Jowy back.
But obviously I was utterly wrong. I have never seen someone so depressed. I wish he would talk to me, just like before when he was so gentle and kind...I would give anything for him to open up, to let me know and help if it is possible. He may be so stubborn sometimes but I guess that it is part of his charm. No matter what is happening I am still deeply in love with him. Nothing will change my mind and if I have to suffer and wait, I just will.
I know that he does not mean any harm, how could he? It goes against his nature.
January, 15th
I hurt. My head hurts. My heart hurts.
How can someone be so rude and violent? How can "he" be so rude rude and violent? I will never understand.
I cannot recognize my gentle lord anymore. He seems like a complete stranger to me, someone I have never seen, never known, never met...
It is really frightening to observe such changes. I almost fear him. Whenever I try and talk to him, he looks at me with such hatred and such harshness in his eyes.
And such sadness.
I can tell he does not intend to hurt people, but he cannot help doing so as if to prove he is not worth ...living. It is so horrible that he may even think like this...But everything...his behaviour, his eyes, his actions...They all seem to beg for release. And according to him, this "release" is "death".
Again I find myself thinking about Prince Luka. He had such a similar way of acting...And he has suffered this agony until...until he dies. I wish the situation got better, both for my lord and my sanity. Because if things go on like this, I will slowy sink into despair. I do not want my Lexeï to reject me.
January, 19th
I cannot believe what has just happened...sometimes I think this all is but a mere nightmare, that if I wake up everything will be fine and normal. But whenever I look at him, I know this is reality because the pain I feel from him, from me is so very intense. Today may be the worst day of my whole life.
What I saw was horrible. I am not certain if I can, or rather if I want to describe it.
He was there...lying in a steamy pool of blood...In the baths room... He was not moving at all...And I panicked...I called for help...Tried to think of something, someone quickly...Went to fetch Huan...Tried to explain, tried to be calm, tried everything...He was not moving...so still...I do not know if he was still breathing...so pale...
Here come the tears again...I do not think I have ever cried so much when I was still working for the kingdom. I do not even think I have ever cried so much for someone in particular. And it hurts so bad. I would like this pain to go away...but as long as I love him, it will remain there...So what is the solution?
To forget him?
To run away from this cursed place?
To leave the past behind?
To find someone else?
I sound do deseperate. Probably because I am.
All I can think of is stay by my lord's side...I do not know why I need to care so much for him, after all he did, even if unwittingly, to me...I guess I cannot let him down, not when he needs someone's help so much.
January, 23rd
I have not been able to write during the past days, too busy looking after the young lord. Today he has finally awoken. Of course he is still weak but at least he is still alive. He has not even said a word to me. He just keeps staring off space, seeming out my reach, out of anyone's, with his empty and soulless eyes...
Does he recognize me?
Does he remember me?
Does he notice that I am by his side, alive, watching over him?
I do not know what to do to gain his full attention. I would like to talk with him, hear his gentle voice again. But each time his voice comes out icy and harsh, just like his words.
My lord has definitely change and I am not sure if I can go on like this.
Loving but not being loved in return, caring but not being cared for, crying but not being conforted.
I am not sure my feelings will still be intact after all those hardships. I am not even sure if I can love him anymore...if I can love anymore...
January, 25th
I tried. I really tried hard. But I cannot concentrate on my tasks and this is quite irritating. I do not think I am still able to work. Everything seems wrapped in a hazy fog. Sometimes I just cannot focus my eyes and I end up staring off space for no particular reasons. Just because of him. My thoughts still go to him, and I am wondering how he is, anf then the minute after that I hate him with a passion, accusing him for all my pain. I do not know how much my nerves will be able to bear. I do not even know how long I will last...Not much probably. And then I will fall and fall.
Noone will catch me before I hit the bottom.
February, 4th
Lady Nanami seemed so worried today that I asked her if I could do something for her. In my own pain and despair, I had nearly forgotten that I was not the only one to suffer from Lexeï's behaviour.
She finally confessed that she had had a talk with her brother and that they had nearly fought. Though she did not seem particularly despondent...Probably because she has obtained some results? Anyway, I think I do not mind anymore. I think this is probably better for me to forget everything about the young lord. Everything. That is to say my love for him. I do not want to love him anymore, to be burnt again. Of course I will stay by his side until the end of this war. But it will not be the same...I hope I have made the right choice.
February, 7th
I still think of him.
Day and night.
Why does he haunt me? I have sworn that I would give up all my feelings for him...
And though, it seems that this wish is impossible to fulfill. Have I fallen so deep for him? Maybe I do feel some pity because everything is not his fault. I really should do something to forget him, or more precisely my love for him. I have to find someone else and leave the past behind.
February, 11th
It has happened more quickly than I could have ever imagined. Actually I have found someone.
His name is Mitsuru.
He is very gentle and caring; he reminds me of the young lord before he changed. Tonight we are going out together. I think this is the beginning of a new relationship…
I do not know if it is a good idea, but it is worth giving it a try. At least, I am sure it will not shatter my heart as much as Lexeï did.
I hope Mitsuru will make me forget…I hope he will make me feel alive again…I hope…
February, 13th
Lady Nanami seems a bit preoccupied lately…I wonder if it is related to the fight she has with her brother a few days ago. I can remember it clearly.
I happened to walk just nearby when I heard someone literally pounding on the door, yelling something I didn't quite catch. Nevertheless I remained pressed against the wall, having recognised the voice. It was lady Nanami and I was fairly sure that she was yelling at her brother. I didn't want to interfere, it was none of my business after all. However curiosity got the better of me and I was tempted to listen in their conversation. It took me a lot of will not to go and press my ear to the door. I was brought back to reality by the sound of sobbing. I instantly knew it was the young lord. To tell the truth it broke my heart to hear him in such pain. I could not bear the thought, that is the reason why I quickly ran away. I could not stand it anymore.
How I hate him for hurting me so much! He has no right to do this to me. I have nothing to deserve such a treatment, such a punishment! It is unfair…so very unfair…
I wish my life was not as complicated as it is right now. A life in which I could still love and be loved…I wish I could stop crying…
When will it stop?
When will the pain, the sorrow, the hurt stop?
When?
I have to prepare myself…Tonight Mitsuru and I are going out again…He is really nice ; I like him a lot…
I know he loves me, but what about me?
Do I love him as much as he does me? I cannot answer that…Not now at least…There are still things I need to work out.
I'm going to be late if I keep writing…
Good night.
February, 15th
The young lord has been very quiet since the day he had argued with his sister. I wonder what is on his mind? He seems to prepare something and I cannot help but being curious. I know I said I would not worry about him anymore but he is still my lord after all. Without him, the Dragon army is nothing…He is our leader; he is the one who gives us strenght and courage to fight and go on…
As for lady Nanami…well, when I saw her this morning she looked somehow smug, as if she had found some solution to a problem…
Strange things are happening in this castle…
February, 17th
I was not prepared for that…
I'm so stunned that I do not even know what to write or say… It seems so incredible.
This morning, the young lord told us that he needed time to think and that he wanted to leave for a while. He also said that the whole situation could not go on, that the army could not go on if he were to remain in that state of mind.
He wants to leave! I still cannot believe he said that…I must have dreamt or something…
He should know that he is the strenght of our army!
And he expects us to go on as if nothing?
Without him?
Then he is seriously insane, more than I thought at least!
Cannot he take his responsibilities for once??!
Noooo, of course not! He prefers running away! Hiding like a coward! He does not realise that the fate of a whole country lays on his shoulders!
I think I had better stop writing now…before breaking my pen…I am in such a fury right now, that I cannot think clearly. I am going to see Huan, he may give me something to help me sleep…I have not slept a lot lately, with everything that has been going on…My hands are shaking and I know I am just shocked.
Really I am going to see Huan…and then Shu…This freaking strategist will not get away without giving me a full and satisfying explanation. I WANT to know what is going on in this freaking damn castle. I cannot believe he had seconded the young lord's decision.
I know I am just overreacting…I know that I just need some fresh air to clear my mind…I know that…But why do I hurt so much then?
February, 17th (late at night)
I feel so empty.
I cried so much…so much it hurts…
When will the pain stop?
When?
What do I have to do?
He is going to leave me…He is going to leave me !…He doesn't care about me…not at all…
Everyone…All the people I love and care for…They all end up leaving me…
Am I so unworthy?
Is it all my fault?
Maybe I did something wrong…I do not know anymore…I am so confused…
I fear that I may lose him…that he may push me away again…
What is wrong with me? A few days ago, I convinced myself that I could forget my feelings for him, that I could leave all of this behind…And now…I want to cling to him, I want to prevent him from leaving me…
I suppose I only overreact…I am such a weakling.
And the young lord does not need a weakling, he needs someone strong he would be able to rely on. I would only make things worst for him actually.
Sometimes I sincerely believe that he and I were never meant for each other from the start.
I could have avoided all this pain if I had not started to think about him.
Perhaps he is too young for me…I mean I am four years older than him after all…
Perhaps we do not have anything in common…
Perhaps I was imagining all these feelings not to feel so empty anymore…
Perhaps…
Perhaps I did not love him at all, well, not like a lover at least…more like a brother, a close friend…
I thought that writing this down would help me to feel better after hours of restless turning and tossing in bed…
But actually, I am even more confused and utterly depressed. I am afraid that tomorrow I will be in a very dark mood…Too bad for Shu and the rest of the stars…
If I do not sleep right now it will even get worst. Good night.
At least "you" do not have to worry about silly things of life. You do not know how lucky you are, dear diary.
February, 19th
In a week he will be gone…Just one week…
What should I do?
Do I dare talk to him?
Do I dare argue his decision? Even if I know that nothing will possibly change his mind?
He has always been stubborn, so damn stubborn. And it's so damn cute sometimes.
Great now I'm contradicting myself. Just what I need right now.
You know what?
I will not do anything.
All I need is to sort my feelings and thoughts out. I cannot talk to him now it would just confuse me more. Besides, what would I tell him?
'Please don't leave me, I don't really know whether I love you or not'?
'I think that I don't love you, but there's a part of me that isn't sure; so please could you stay?'
Brilliant.
He would probably end up staring at me, wondering if I have gone nuts.
I guess I will just have to wait and see how things are going to evolve.
February, 23rd
I still cannot gather up enough courage to go and talk to him.
Pathetic.
I am just so pathetic.
No wonder he despises me so much.
I hate myself so much right now.
February, 24th
I had some time to think about all these events that suddenly changed my life…And I found something quite interesting…After hours and hours of frustration, anger, self-loathing, depression, utter desesperation, and suffering, I finally came to a conclusion.
HE is the cause of all my problems.
Maybe his leaving is not such a bad idea. At least it will give me some rest.
I cannot bear being in the same room as he, now. I just feel so tensed whenever I am around him, and it is slowly getting on my nerves.
My life is a real hell.
But if he leaves, I will be free of all these feelings I hate so much.
That is obvious. We are not meant to be, never have and never will. I have been so blind, and look at the results...I am a total wreck today.
I cannot wait to see him leave.
I hate him.
Just one more day and I will be free.
February, 24th (late at night)
I do not understand why I feel so excited.
I know I need to sleep...I could not get a wink of sleep for weeks because of him, after all...
But I cannot rest.
I just need to spend all my burning energy doing something but I have no idea what to do. Thoughts and emotions are rushing through my mind and I do not have any control over them. Besides I am too tired to sort them out or ponder over them.
My mind is tired and overexcited... Hah. I cannot even manage to make sense anymore.
'I love you'... 'I don't anymore'... 'I wish I were dead'... 'I wonder if he feels something for me'... 'I wish he talked to me before hios leaving'... 'I want him very far away from me'... 'I do not want to see his face ever again'... 'Was he worth all this suffering'... 'I just want to sleep'... 'I should think about something else'... 'When will I find happiness'... 'I am tired of being alone'... 'Why is life so unfair'...
These are some of my random thoughts... They do not have a direct link between them and do not make a coherent unity.
To think that I have been like this for weeks...Uncoherent, half-crazy, dark-spirited...
It seems so unbelievable...
Fortunately he is leaving soon...
Tomorow I will be free.
Tomorrow I will live again.
I hate him.
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Finally finished. This third part has been tough for me. I had a hard time trying to understand Klaus. He is so quiet usually. He would not tell me his secrets and his thoughts...But heh, I had a secret plan...I got him drunk and he told me everything I needed...
Hum, sorry about that...I'm just trying to relax because this story became really darker than expected. I don't know what's going to happen next because I didn't make any plan for this story. I just write. I did not expect Klaus to end up like this honestly...I thought he would still love Lexeï despite the hardships and stuff...guess I was all wrong...
Maybe I can simplify all the problems by killing everyone in the story?
By Alexandrei.
Part 3 – Light from a lonely soul.
No, those wonderful characters do not belong to me. If they did, I would not be there, writing these stuff. I would live in a marvellous villa in St Tropez, admiring the fantastic view...Anyway this is but a dream. So these characters belong to Konami Computer Entertainment Tokyo. I do not make any benefits with my poor stories so please do not bother me!
The story contains some shônen ai.
The hero's name is Lexeï.
The story (if you can call this stuff a story) is quite lame and stupid. ^^;;
Spoilers for the whole game.
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This is the third part...wow I am so impressed...I have never thought I would go this far....
Well, this is Klaus'point of view.
I guess I should return to my work and finish this story as soon as possible?
I have no beta-reader for this part…Sorry. If you notice mistakes then just tell me. I usually write in french (I am French after all) so there might be a lot.
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December, 23rd
I never thought I would keep a diary one day... I have never had the time actually...
Why do I start one today? Because a lot of things have changed in my life and I need to confide my burden. As a result I thought that starting a diary would not be a bad idea.
Anyway, I think I should fill this diary with personal informations as an introduction.
My name is Klaus and I was born in L'Renouille, capital of Highland. I am nineteen years old. My father is a former general of Highland. He and I fight with the Dragon Army now. It is quite an awkward situation...What I mean is that we are fighting against our own country...But I do not want to talk about all those events that happened before we joined this side.
This Dragon Army is led by a fifteen-years-old adolescent named Lexeï.
Silky dark hair, a set of luminous brown eyes, pale and soft skin...Perfect. That is the only word I can think of to describe his looks. As for his personality, he is kind, gentle and strong at the same time. However he is kind of shy and withdrawn from time to time...That is cute. He can be very stubborn too but I know he always means well.
He really impressed me the first time we met. I never forgot him from this very moment I laid my eyes on him. I just knew I had found what was missing to my soul.
Even if I have not known him for a very long time, I dare say he is the only one for me. People may have found strange the fact that I became friend with Lexeï so quickly, but I do not really mind as long as I can be with him...
As Christmas is in a few days I wanted to get a present that would please him. As a result I asked lady Nanami, his sister, what he would appreciate. When I had the information, I rushed to South Window and bought the item: a book. Yes, my lovely leader is a book lover...
I hope he will like the story.
I think I have written enough for today; besides it is getting late. Good night.
December, 25th
Finally Christmas. Time really flies, does it not ?
Today I offered Lexeï the book and I think I have surprised him. Obviously he did not expect me to give him something...I know he has received many other gifts, from lady Nanami of course but also from sir Flik, miss Leona...and Shu, the other strategist. I must admit I do not really like this man. He is very brilliant and represents a major asset, of course, but that does not give him the right to follow my Lexeï everywhere. Well, I wish he were mine. This is bothering me because I cannot help feeling jealous.
I must have fallen hard for this enchanting adolescent, otherwise I would not be here in my room, sighing over him. This is so "new"...I have never felt like this before and yet I already have experience with love...I had some girlfriends and even a boyfriend... But at no time have I enjoyed real and strong feelings. I hope, though, that it will not affect my work.
As for me, I received a lot of presents too. Most of them were sent by people I do not even know. My father told me that they were probably admirers... I know he disapprove of them because he fears someone might break my heart one day and so he tries to protect me by every means...But my heart is already held by him.
Lexeï.
I cannot love anyone else. He has so much power over me ; I wonder if he is aware of this fact.
Probably not ; he is so innocent and naive...
Does he have feelings for me? What does he think about me? Is he already in love with someone?
So many questions and not enough answers.
December, 30th
Luka Blight is dead. Today we managed to defeat him thanks to Leon Silverberg's help. If he had not sent this message to warn us, we would have never guessed Luka's intentions. As a result Shu and I worked very hard to find the best way to put an end to the mad prince's life. And we succeded. Our strategy went perfectly well and we won.
Tonight the troops are celebrating and the other stars as well. However my young lord looked a little pale. I tried to ask him if everything was alright and he just told me not worry for him. His smile was so weak and his voice very tired. I think he is still a bit shocked with what happened. I hope he will be fine tomorrow.
As far as I am concerned I am too exhausted to go downstairs and enjoy the feast. I am going to bed now. Good night.
December, 31st
The war is not over yet. Lord Jowy (or should I say king Jowy? ), has sent a message to warn us that as long as he and Lexeï were alive, the war will go on and on...until one of them dies. The simple thought makes me shiver. I just cannot imagine what my life would be if my gentle lord disappeared... But I trust him ; I know he is strong.
On the other hand I feel jealous again and I keep wondering how close my lord and his friend Jowy really were. But I am guilty to have such ideas, because there are more important matters than my love and heart. I have to think about the battles and nothing else. I have to concentrate.
January, 6th
My gentle lord has not been himself lately. He does not eat well enough and barely sleeps...I am seriously alarmed. If he goes on like this he will soon collapse. Though, in spite of his obvious frail condition, he still runs the castle and his army. On lady Nanami's request, Shu and I tried to convince him to get some rest for a day or two at least but he would just deliberately ignore our advice.
Shu quickly gave up but I did not. I care too much for my young lord to let him down. I am sure he has serious problems but he does not dare talk about them to us. He fears that we might not understand. Maybe we will not. Maybe I will not. But that does not keep me from trying to help.
Of course it hurts to be rejected that way, but I do not mind as long as I can be beside him. I want to be here for him...Does he know how important he is to me? Probably not, otherwise, I would not be in my room half crying over him.
January, 12th
I still do not know what the problem is. I tried to think about every event that might have affected my lord, and I believe that Luka's death must be the cause of all his troubles. However I do not understand how it could truly disturb him. I mean, I thought he was happy to know that peace may reign again, that he would be able to have his friend Jowy back.
But obviously I was utterly wrong. I have never seen someone so depressed. I wish he would talk to me, just like before when he was so gentle and kind...I would give anything for him to open up, to let me know and help if it is possible. He may be so stubborn sometimes but I guess that it is part of his charm. No matter what is happening I am still deeply in love with him. Nothing will change my mind and if I have to suffer and wait, I just will.
I know that he does not mean any harm, how could he? It goes against his nature.
January, 15th
I hurt. My head hurts. My heart hurts.
How can someone be so rude and violent? How can "he" be so rude rude and violent? I will never understand.
I cannot recognize my gentle lord anymore. He seems like a complete stranger to me, someone I have never seen, never known, never met...
It is really frightening to observe such changes. I almost fear him. Whenever I try and talk to him, he looks at me with such hatred and such harshness in his eyes.
And such sadness.
I can tell he does not intend to hurt people, but he cannot help doing so as if to prove he is not worth ...living. It is so horrible that he may even think like this...But everything...his behaviour, his eyes, his actions...They all seem to beg for release. And according to him, this "release" is "death".
Again I find myself thinking about Prince Luka. He had such a similar way of acting...And he has suffered this agony until...until he dies. I wish the situation got better, both for my lord and my sanity. Because if things go on like this, I will slowy sink into despair. I do not want my Lexeï to reject me.
January, 19th
I cannot believe what has just happened...sometimes I think this all is but a mere nightmare, that if I wake up everything will be fine and normal. But whenever I look at him, I know this is reality because the pain I feel from him, from me is so very intense. Today may be the worst day of my whole life.
What I saw was horrible. I am not certain if I can, or rather if I want to describe it.
He was there...lying in a steamy pool of blood...In the baths room... He was not moving at all...And I panicked...I called for help...Tried to think of something, someone quickly...Went to fetch Huan...Tried to explain, tried to be calm, tried everything...He was not moving...so still...I do not know if he was still breathing...so pale...
Here come the tears again...I do not think I have ever cried so much when I was still working for the kingdom. I do not even think I have ever cried so much for someone in particular. And it hurts so bad. I would like this pain to go away...but as long as I love him, it will remain there...So what is the solution?
To forget him?
To run away from this cursed place?
To leave the past behind?
To find someone else?
I sound do deseperate. Probably because I am.
All I can think of is stay by my lord's side...I do not know why I need to care so much for him, after all he did, even if unwittingly, to me...I guess I cannot let him down, not when he needs someone's help so much.
January, 23rd
I have not been able to write during the past days, too busy looking after the young lord. Today he has finally awoken. Of course he is still weak but at least he is still alive. He has not even said a word to me. He just keeps staring off space, seeming out my reach, out of anyone's, with his empty and soulless eyes...
Does he recognize me?
Does he remember me?
Does he notice that I am by his side, alive, watching over him?
I do not know what to do to gain his full attention. I would like to talk with him, hear his gentle voice again. But each time his voice comes out icy and harsh, just like his words.
My lord has definitely change and I am not sure if I can go on like this.
Loving but not being loved in return, caring but not being cared for, crying but not being conforted.
I am not sure my feelings will still be intact after all those hardships. I am not even sure if I can love him anymore...if I can love anymore...
January, 25th
I tried. I really tried hard. But I cannot concentrate on my tasks and this is quite irritating. I do not think I am still able to work. Everything seems wrapped in a hazy fog. Sometimes I just cannot focus my eyes and I end up staring off space for no particular reasons. Just because of him. My thoughts still go to him, and I am wondering how he is, anf then the minute after that I hate him with a passion, accusing him for all my pain. I do not know how much my nerves will be able to bear. I do not even know how long I will last...Not much probably. And then I will fall and fall.
Noone will catch me before I hit the bottom.
February, 4th
Lady Nanami seemed so worried today that I asked her if I could do something for her. In my own pain and despair, I had nearly forgotten that I was not the only one to suffer from Lexeï's behaviour.
She finally confessed that she had had a talk with her brother and that they had nearly fought. Though she did not seem particularly despondent...Probably because she has obtained some results? Anyway, I think I do not mind anymore. I think this is probably better for me to forget everything about the young lord. Everything. That is to say my love for him. I do not want to love him anymore, to be burnt again. Of course I will stay by his side until the end of this war. But it will not be the same...I hope I have made the right choice.
February, 7th
I still think of him.
Day and night.
Why does he haunt me? I have sworn that I would give up all my feelings for him...
And though, it seems that this wish is impossible to fulfill. Have I fallen so deep for him? Maybe I do feel some pity because everything is not his fault. I really should do something to forget him, or more precisely my love for him. I have to find someone else and leave the past behind.
February, 11th
It has happened more quickly than I could have ever imagined. Actually I have found someone.
His name is Mitsuru.
He is very gentle and caring; he reminds me of the young lord before he changed. Tonight we are going out together. I think this is the beginning of a new relationship…
I do not know if it is a good idea, but it is worth giving it a try. At least, I am sure it will not shatter my heart as much as Lexeï did.
I hope Mitsuru will make me forget…I hope he will make me feel alive again…I hope…
February, 13th
Lady Nanami seems a bit preoccupied lately…I wonder if it is related to the fight she has with her brother a few days ago. I can remember it clearly.
I happened to walk just nearby when I heard someone literally pounding on the door, yelling something I didn't quite catch. Nevertheless I remained pressed against the wall, having recognised the voice. It was lady Nanami and I was fairly sure that she was yelling at her brother. I didn't want to interfere, it was none of my business after all. However curiosity got the better of me and I was tempted to listen in their conversation. It took me a lot of will not to go and press my ear to the door. I was brought back to reality by the sound of sobbing. I instantly knew it was the young lord. To tell the truth it broke my heart to hear him in such pain. I could not bear the thought, that is the reason why I quickly ran away. I could not stand it anymore.
How I hate him for hurting me so much! He has no right to do this to me. I have nothing to deserve such a treatment, such a punishment! It is unfair…so very unfair…
I wish my life was not as complicated as it is right now. A life in which I could still love and be loved…I wish I could stop crying…
When will it stop?
When will the pain, the sorrow, the hurt stop?
When?
I have to prepare myself…Tonight Mitsuru and I are going out again…He is really nice ; I like him a lot…
I know he loves me, but what about me?
Do I love him as much as he does me? I cannot answer that…Not now at least…There are still things I need to work out.
I'm going to be late if I keep writing…
Good night.
February, 15th
The young lord has been very quiet since the day he had argued with his sister. I wonder what is on his mind? He seems to prepare something and I cannot help but being curious. I know I said I would not worry about him anymore but he is still my lord after all. Without him, the Dragon army is nothing…He is our leader; he is the one who gives us strenght and courage to fight and go on…
As for lady Nanami…well, when I saw her this morning she looked somehow smug, as if she had found some solution to a problem…
Strange things are happening in this castle…
February, 17th
I was not prepared for that…
I'm so stunned that I do not even know what to write or say… It seems so incredible.
This morning, the young lord told us that he needed time to think and that he wanted to leave for a while. He also said that the whole situation could not go on, that the army could not go on if he were to remain in that state of mind.
He wants to leave! I still cannot believe he said that…I must have dreamt or something…
He should know that he is the strenght of our army!
And he expects us to go on as if nothing?
Without him?
Then he is seriously insane, more than I thought at least!
Cannot he take his responsibilities for once??!
Noooo, of course not! He prefers running away! Hiding like a coward! He does not realise that the fate of a whole country lays on his shoulders!
I think I had better stop writing now…before breaking my pen…I am in such a fury right now, that I cannot think clearly. I am going to see Huan, he may give me something to help me sleep…I have not slept a lot lately, with everything that has been going on…My hands are shaking and I know I am just shocked.
Really I am going to see Huan…and then Shu…This freaking strategist will not get away without giving me a full and satisfying explanation. I WANT to know what is going on in this freaking damn castle. I cannot believe he had seconded the young lord's decision.
I know I am just overreacting…I know that I just need some fresh air to clear my mind…I know that…But why do I hurt so much then?
February, 17th (late at night)
I feel so empty.
I cried so much…so much it hurts…
When will the pain stop?
When?
What do I have to do?
He is going to leave me…He is going to leave me !…He doesn't care about me…not at all…
Everyone…All the people I love and care for…They all end up leaving me…
Am I so unworthy?
Is it all my fault?
Maybe I did something wrong…I do not know anymore…I am so confused…
I fear that I may lose him…that he may push me away again…
What is wrong with me? A few days ago, I convinced myself that I could forget my feelings for him, that I could leave all of this behind…And now…I want to cling to him, I want to prevent him from leaving me…
I suppose I only overreact…I am such a weakling.
And the young lord does not need a weakling, he needs someone strong he would be able to rely on. I would only make things worst for him actually.
Sometimes I sincerely believe that he and I were never meant for each other from the start.
I could have avoided all this pain if I had not started to think about him.
Perhaps he is too young for me…I mean I am four years older than him after all…
Perhaps we do not have anything in common…
Perhaps I was imagining all these feelings not to feel so empty anymore…
Perhaps…
Perhaps I did not love him at all, well, not like a lover at least…more like a brother, a close friend…
I thought that writing this down would help me to feel better after hours of restless turning and tossing in bed…
But actually, I am even more confused and utterly depressed. I am afraid that tomorrow I will be in a very dark mood…Too bad for Shu and the rest of the stars…
If I do not sleep right now it will even get worst. Good night.
At least "you" do not have to worry about silly things of life. You do not know how lucky you are, dear diary.
February, 19th
In a week he will be gone…Just one week…
What should I do?
Do I dare talk to him?
Do I dare argue his decision? Even if I know that nothing will possibly change his mind?
He has always been stubborn, so damn stubborn. And it's so damn cute sometimes.
Great now I'm contradicting myself. Just what I need right now.
You know what?
I will not do anything.
All I need is to sort my feelings and thoughts out. I cannot talk to him now it would just confuse me more. Besides, what would I tell him?
'Please don't leave me, I don't really know whether I love you or not'?
'I think that I don't love you, but there's a part of me that isn't sure; so please could you stay?'
Brilliant.
He would probably end up staring at me, wondering if I have gone nuts.
I guess I will just have to wait and see how things are going to evolve.
February, 23rd
I still cannot gather up enough courage to go and talk to him.
Pathetic.
I am just so pathetic.
No wonder he despises me so much.
I hate myself so much right now.
February, 24th
I had some time to think about all these events that suddenly changed my life…And I found something quite interesting…After hours and hours of frustration, anger, self-loathing, depression, utter desesperation, and suffering, I finally came to a conclusion.
HE is the cause of all my problems.
Maybe his leaving is not such a bad idea. At least it will give me some rest.
I cannot bear being in the same room as he, now. I just feel so tensed whenever I am around him, and it is slowly getting on my nerves.
My life is a real hell.
But if he leaves, I will be free of all these feelings I hate so much.
That is obvious. We are not meant to be, never have and never will. I have been so blind, and look at the results...I am a total wreck today.
I cannot wait to see him leave.
I hate him.
Just one more day and I will be free.
February, 24th (late at night)
I do not understand why I feel so excited.
I know I need to sleep...I could not get a wink of sleep for weeks because of him, after all...
But I cannot rest.
I just need to spend all my burning energy doing something but I have no idea what to do. Thoughts and emotions are rushing through my mind and I do not have any control over them. Besides I am too tired to sort them out or ponder over them.
My mind is tired and overexcited... Hah. I cannot even manage to make sense anymore.
'I love you'... 'I don't anymore'... 'I wish I were dead'... 'I wonder if he feels something for me'... 'I wish he talked to me before hios leaving'... 'I want him very far away from me'... 'I do not want to see his face ever again'... 'Was he worth all this suffering'... 'I just want to sleep'... 'I should think about something else'... 'When will I find happiness'... 'I am tired of being alone'... 'Why is life so unfair'...
These are some of my random thoughts... They do not have a direct link between them and do not make a coherent unity.
To think that I have been like this for weeks...Uncoherent, half-crazy, dark-spirited...
It seems so unbelievable...
Fortunately he is leaving soon...
Tomorow I will be free.
Tomorrow I will live again.
I hate him.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Finally finished. This third part has been tough for me. I had a hard time trying to understand Klaus. He is so quiet usually. He would not tell me his secrets and his thoughts...But heh, I had a secret plan...I got him drunk and he told me everything I needed...
Hum, sorry about that...I'm just trying to relax because this story became really darker than expected. I don't know what's going to happen next because I didn't make any plan for this story. I just write. I did not expect Klaus to end up like this honestly...I thought he would still love Lexeï despite the hardships and stuff...guess I was all wrong...
Maybe I can simplify all the problems by killing everyone in the story?