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"Valen-Evil-Tine"
By:
Megawacky Max
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- Chapter 2 -
The alien asks out
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I've corrected a few things among the text. Don't mind me. -Megawacky Max
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In the depths of Zim's lair, where his secret laboratory was located, the alien and his robot slave were working on their plan for Valentines Day. This plan would guarantee that no suspicion would be raised regarding Zim's "human" behavior.
Zim was standing in front of a full-length mirror with his arms extended, smiling as he thought of how smart he was being. Gir was quickly moving around its master, measuring the sides of his alien body with measuring tape.
-First, I need to find a human couple for this... dance -Zim smiled-. I shouldn't have problems, if I do everything right. GIR! -he suddenly yelled.
Gir stayed at his side, raising a hand to its forehead.
-Yes, my master!
-You have been gathering information about this "Valenines" behavior. If I have to ask a human out, then I must be wearing specific clothes for the event. Dress me, Gir, according to the... joy... of this celebration.
-Yaaay!! -the small robot smiled. Next, it flew around its master at top speed.
Gir finished its job in matter of seconds. It stopped, standing to one side of Zim, smiling.
-You like nice! -it chirped.
-Is *this* what humans wear during this celebration?? -Zim asked. He was glancing at his image in the mirror. Gir had dressed him in a huge, pink, heart costume with sleeves and holes for his legs. Zim looked as if he was going to puke.
-TV shows this a lot! -the small robot smiled.
-The humans are all INSANE! -its master proclaimed, then calmed-. Okay... that is not important. If *this* is what they use, then I won't have any problems. Human she-beasts will be waiting in line, all wanting to be coupled with *Zim*! GIR! I'm going out to test the effectiveness of your work. I shall be back soon, with a human couple for tomorrow night!
-Yaaaay! -Gir exclaimed, happy.
Zim had decided. With energetic, self-sure steps, the disguised, pink-dressed alien stepped out of his house/HQ. He raised both hands to the blue, clear afternoon sky and exclaimed...
-Come to me, human girls!! Ha-ha-ha-haaaaaa!!!
Exactly ten minutes later...
Zim opened the front door of the house with a violent kick. He stepped in, scowling, dragging a leg and the remains of the now-ripped pink heart costume.
He slowly turned and slammed the door with all his strength. Zim turned again, glancing at the kitchen's gateway.
-GIIIIRRRRRR!!!! -he yelled, furious.
The house rumbled for the second time and Zim lost his balance yet again.
-Oh, no... -he said, suddenly worried.
He saw it again, the pink wave of paper hearts was rumbling at him from the kitchen. However, this time, the wave also had chocolate boxes, roses, and small Cupid statues.
-AAAAAHHH!!! -the alien yelled. His jaw dropped as the wave "splattered" against him.
Like the last time, it almost reached the ceiling. Zim emerged from the pink-and-chocolate ocean and yelled, stronger than ever:
-GIIIIRRRRR!!! COME HERE *RIGHT NOW*!!!
Gir emerged next to him, smiling.
-Hi! -it said. Then it extended a metallic hand, holding out a heart-shaped box-. Chocolates?
-Gir, this filthy costume was a total failure! The humans outside just LAUGHED at me, and that stupid dog chased me all the way here! -Here Zim held Gir by its shoulders- And it actually CAUGHT me!!
-Oh... -the tiny helper just said-. You sure you don't want a chocolate?
-Gir, I'm *ordering* you to dress me better. You just have ONE more chance, so DON'T WASTE IT!!
-Yes, sir! -Gir said, with suddenly red eyes. Immediately, it grabbed its master's arm and forced him to dive with it, not paying attention to the sudden complaints.
Gir "swam" until it reached one of the access ports to the basement labs. Zim kept complaining all the way down the tubes and even when they reached the underground laboratory. Gir didn't mind the screams of its master and dragged him to the mirror. Next, Gir flew around Zim, faster than the last time, with Zim still yelling for him to stop. Gir actually stopped, seconds later, to stand next to its master.
-Ready, sir! -it said.
Zim was speechless. He saw the reflection in the full-body mirror... but couldn't believe that it was HIM. Zim waved a hand at the reflection, finally reacting.
-Gir... -he mumbled-. *this* is a good work.
-Yay, thanks! -Gir said, its crimson eyes suddenly turning cyan.
Zim was still staring at his new wardrobe: white pants, white jacket, a golden chain dangling to his belly, and lots of small-glitter-thingies on the edges of the jacket. On his feet were a pair of white small-heeled boots. Zim was dressed just like Elvis Presley.
-I must admit, Gir -Zim said, smiling-, that I shall have great success with this new outfit.
Zim suddenly raised his voice.
-It is time, my partner, to go hunting human girls! -he exclaimed-. Let's go! The deadline grows closer!!
-I like chocolates... -was all Gir said, eating a big bar of the dark candy.
The city park. The kids were enjoying the afternoon by playing games and yelling happily. Zim, wearing the Elvis outfit, was peeking at a group of kids from behind a tree.
-There... -he whispered-. It's time for me to conquer. Today: a human, tomorrow: THE WORLD!
-Good luck... -a giggling voice said.
Zim whirled around. Dib was behind him.
-What are you doing here?! -Zim yelled-. What are you? Some kind of unicellular pest attached to my skin?
-I'm here to prevent your "ask-a-girl" plan! That's what I'm doing here!
-*You* are not going to ruin my plans, -Zim frowned-. I'm planning to ask a human out, so STEP AWAY!
Zim hurried to push Dib aside. The human boy kept his bespectacled eyes focused on the alien.
-By the way... Nice clothes -Dib joked.
Zim came out the small group of trees and appeared in the middle of the throng of kids. Everybody got speechless when they saw 'that green kid' from school wearing such clothes.
-What? -Zim wondered upon noticing the stares.
The kids resumed playing, so Zim saw this as his chance to approach a girl. He soon spotted a group of three, skipping rope: that blonde "cool" girl from school and her two friends. He smiled evilly and approached. He stopped in front of them and the girls stopped playing as well, glancing at the disguised alien.
-What do you want? -the blonde girl asked snobbishly.
-Ahem... *I* am looking for a dance couple for tomorrow night's dance. Which of you considers yourself good enough to be honored...
-Save it, freako -the blonde girl interrupted-. We all already have dates. And by the way, I wouldn't date you if you were the last human in this planet.
-Really? -Zim frowned, even as the thought of "the last human on the planet" almost made him laugh.
-You got it right, dork.
-Eh... And you say ALL the girls already have couples?
-Of course we do. And all the couples are much better than you are, by the way.
Zim didn't find that funny, but instead of replying, he decided to scowl, turn, and start walking... until the blonde girl called after him.
-Hey, Tim!
-It's "ZIM" -he said, turning and scowling even more.
-Yeah, whatever you say, "Elvis". If you're looking for a girl, you still have one last chance.
-Oh... yes? -Zim asked, smiling a bit but never losing the scowl.
-Yeah -the blonde girl said in a giggle, pointing over her shoulder with a thumb-, the Nerd Girl with Braces. That's the only one from our class with no date. I wonder *why*.
The three girls laughed at the joke, but Zim didn't see it as funny. It was actually PERFECT for him: a lonely girl to date, who would never say "no". Zim had a couple.
-Okay, thanks a lot, dyed girl.
Zim left the scene as the blonde girl widened her eyes in embarrassment.
-It's NATURAL, you, green twit!!!
Zim kept walking and giggling of his own joke, in the search of the girl with braces. After a quick scan through the park, he finally found her alone, sitting on a deteriorated bench. Zim was behind a bush at that moment, looking at her and her solitude... but he was not alone.
-Whassup, *Zim*? No girls for the *alien*?
Zim frowned and looked back. Yes, you guessed right! That was Dib.
-Well, I'm glad to announce to you, my unrespected enemy, that *I*, the great *Zim*, am about to step ahead in my mission of appearing to be a completely normal (and yet filthy) human worm being.
-Yeah, like you could invite someone out -Dib said with a tiny smile-. I saw how that girl shot you down just a few minutes ago.
-Just one girl, my enemy... Just *one*. I don't need a perfect human, or a smart one, or anything like that. *I* only need one girl of your age or so to ask out... and THERE she is.
Zim pointed at the girl with braces from his hideout in the bushes. Dib gasped.
-W-What?? Doesn't she have a date? She should! I thought every girl had a couple by now!
-She is what you call a "nerd". People and nerds seem to not mix well, Dib. But don't worry, she will have a date soon. Right now, as a matter of fact.
Dib's jaw dropped as Zim came out the bush, walking to the girl. He saw the alien stopping in front of her, and she turning and smiling at him. Dib stayed motionless as the sounds of Zim's voice came to him.
-Hello, human sample. I happen to need a dance couple for tomorrow's dance. Will you...?
-Nooo! Wait!!! -Dib yelled.
Zim and the nerd girl focused their eyes on the bushes. They shifted wildly and Dib came out, running at the duo. He pushed Zim away and asked the girl:
-Hi! My name is Dib! Want to be my dance partner for tomorrow night?
The girl smiled.
-WHAT?! -Zim exclaimed-. Now, wait a second! *I* was about to ask her that!!
-No way! -Dib said-. I asked her first!
As the guy and the alien argued, the girl of the braces sighed.
-Two guys are fighting to take me out! -she whispered.
-You won't get this girl, Zim!
-Ha! She won't appear at that dance with YOU!
-*I* already asked her!
-That is meaningless!
-Oh, yeah?! -Dib frowned. Next, he glanced at the girl and asked:- You'll come with me, right?
Zim also glanced at the girl.
-Now, wait a second! *I* approached first! Will you come with me?
The nerdy girl with braces just smiled at the duo.
-I don't know -she laughed-. I feel flattered someone is asking me out.
-Not *someone*, but ZIM -the alien said, raising a clenched fist-. Every girl here would DIE to date me!
-Yeah, sure -Dib murmured-, just wait until I expose you to the world.
Dib and Zim glared at each other, showing their teeth and scowling hard. They were about to fight, when...
-I've decided -the girl said in a soft laugh. Human and Alien glanced at her.
-Have you chosen me?! -both of them said at the same time.
The girl giggled.
-Well, you two seem to be nice, and I wouldn't mind going with either of you.
-So you chose me! -Zim said.
-No! She chose ME! -Dib scowled.
-I haven't chosen yet -the girl said-, but if this is so important to you, I'll go with the first one who brings me a bunch of roses. That'd be romantic, heh, heh.
-What? -Zim asked, confused.
-Roses! -Dib smiled-. No problem! I'll be right back!
Dib took off running. Zim was taken by surprise. What was a bunch of roses?? Not knowing what to do next, he hurried after Dib. After all, Dib did know what to get, and maybe where to get it as well.
-Ha! I'll beat ya, Zim! -Dib yelled, happily, as he was running-. I know where to get roses!
-Just wait! I'll take the advantage, as the great invader I am!! -Zim yelled.
Dib jumped into a large bush, trying to get rid of Zim. It actually worked, because Zim jumped in the bush as well, but Dib jumped out of them at the same moment.
-Hey! I'm stuck among these small branches! -Zim complained.
Dib laughed and resumed his flower mission. Zim managed to get out fast enough to see Dib turning around a tree in the distance. Zim scowled and resumed his chase, went around the same tree Dib did and searched carefully for him. He heard a noise behind some more bushes, so he snickered until reaching them and peeked through the hole his hands opened in the green surface of leaves.
-A-Ha... -Zim whispered.
He could see Dib, gathering red flowers from some bushes. Were those roses? Well, if Dib was making the bunch for the girl, Zim was going to do it as well. He jumped across the bush, landing noisily on his two feet and startling Dib.
-Zim! -he gasped-. How'd you reached this place??
-Pathetic humanoid! You don't run THAT fast! -he said, and then he glanced at the red bushes-. So, are these your famous "roses", eh? Well, if a filthy little earth monkey that *you* can make one, then ZIM can make a better one for sure!
-I betcha can't! -Dib scowled.
Zim hurried to run to a rose bush and began to gather flowers, but at the second flower...
-OUCH!! -Zim complained-. What the...? This plant has STINGS!
Dib laughed his lungs out.
-Poor hopeless Zim! Maybe you should be more careful!
Zim glanced at Dib and noticed he already had a bunch of roses in his hands. Two seconds later, something moved at great speed next to Dib, stealing the branch from his hands.
-What the...??!
Dib looked around. Zim was being supported by his mechanical spider legs, and he had the branch of roses in his alien hands.
-Ha! YOU should be more careful too, *Dib*! Thanks for these!
Zim began his escape with the mechanical spider legs. Dib chased him, trying desperately to recover the flowers before the alien gave them to the girl, but the alien moved much too fast with the spider legs.
-Zim! Wait! I won't allow it! I won't let you have the girl!
-Ha! -Zim laughed, looking back-. Your effort is laughable, human! Nothing will stop me! *I* have the roses, not YOU!!
Zim glanced at the branch of roses with a expression of victory in his disguised eyes... but he not only saw the red, good-smelling flowers... but something else. A couple of small, black-and-yellow striped, buzzing insects flying around the petals. His eyes widened in fear.
-BEES!!!!!! -he screamed.
His fright was so great that he tossed the bunch of roses backwards. It fell, almost hitting the grassy ground, but Dib caught it. Zim observed all that while the spider legs kept rushing away, so he looked to the front.
-AAAIIEEEEEE!!! -he yelled.
*SMACK!*
The alien had collided against a tree, going top-speed. The spider legs folded into the Irken Backpack as Zim slowly slid down to the ground. His body peeled off the trunk of the tree, then landed face-up. A shadow covered his eyes... it was a shape... a human shape... It was Dib, smiling, looking at him, and waving the bunch of roses in one hand.
-I have the flowers! See ya! -he smiled.
Dib took off running, and Zim reacted a few seconds later. He leapt up and rushed to the nerdy girl... But when he arrived, Dib was handing the flowers to her.
-No! Wait! -Zim panted, approaching.
-Too late! -Dib exclaimed-. I reached this place first, WITH the roses! She's coming with me!
Zim glanced at the girl. She was smiling, with the branch of roses in both hands. Zim was furious. He just scowled, turned, and began to walk out of the park. Once out of the place of his most recent defeat, he stopped, turned again, and glanced at the green block of the city. The alien raised both hands skyward.
-I WILL DESTROY YOU, BUZZY BEES!! OH, I WILL DESTROY YOU ALL!!!
Zim turned again, and kept his angry eyes on the buildings at the other block. What was he going to do now? He stayed there, not thinking about anything else except how he was going to win this time. After several minutes, Dib's voice interrupted his thoughts.
-Hey, Zim. How are you? Thinking about that autopsy?
Zim turned. His scowl lessened.
-Ah, it's you -he calmly said-. I might seem doomed right now... Okay, I admit it, it's not a good situation for me... but I shall find a way.
-Sure, sure -Dib smiled-. I'm going home now. Want to accompany me? I might even show you the space I'll use for my "Mysterious Mysteries" Super-Finding Award trophy.
-Bah...
Zim accompanied Dib. His HQ was on the same route. Zim walked, his annoyed face looking at the tiles of the street. Dib, on the other side, had a raised forehead and a ear-to-ear smile.
-I juuuust can't wait until tomorrow night -Dib said-. I would like to know what kind of alien artifact you'll try to disguise as a date.
-I might not go, Dib. Then, you'll have to dance with that strange, nerdy... eh... "nerd" girl -Zim smiled here-. I'm so sorry I won't be there to see you suffering like that.
-Right, I might suffer from that humiliation, okay... Oh, but just the thought of YOU being discovered is good enough to forget whatever is going to happen tomorrow.
Zim returned his eyes to the tiles. Dib was, he hated to admit it, right. No matter how Zim saw it, every outcome seemed bad. This time he was done.
They reached Dib's house. Dib stood at the door, while Zim kept walking.
-Bye, Zimmy! -Dib mocked. Zim stopped and scowled over his shoulder-. I am counting down the seconds for your appearance in all the papers... front page!
Zim approached, angry, but Dib didn't stop smiling. Zim raised a trembling finger at his Nemesis.
-I'll find a solution, Dib. You won't get me THAT easy.
-We'll see.
Dib opened the door as Zim turned to resume his trip back home.
-You! -a female voice shouted from the inside. Zim stopped.
-What? -Dib was heard saying.
-You ate the last burrito! I told you it was MINE! -the female voice yelled.
Zim turned and approached the door. Dib was arguing with a shorter person with purple hair and dark clothes: Dib's sister... Gaz.
-Aw, big deal! -Dib told his sister-. Relax, okay? If everything goes well, I might buy you a burrito factory in a week.
-Not an excuse. I shall destroy you.
-Not now, okay? I have a speech to prepare for "Mysterious Mysteries". Do not bother me.
Dib went by her as she stared after him with her eyes filled with revenge. Dib was about to cross the gateway to the hall, when he suddenly heard...
-Say, Gaz... Want to be my human dance couple for tomorrow's dance?
Dib froze. His heart jumped in panic.
-Wwwwwhhhhhaaaaaaaattttttt????????? -he yelled as he turned his head to the door. Zim was there, talking to Gaz.
-Uh? -Gaz said.
-You know! -Zim said-. There's a dance tomorrow to celebrate "valenines" day, yadda-yadda, I need a couple, yadda-yadda, I asked you, yadda-yadda-yadda, so what do you say?
-NO! -Dib shouted as he approached running, placing himself between Zim and Gaz-. She is NOT going with YOU!!
-Whoa, wait a second! *I* asked her first! You can't date her!
-I can't date my OWN SISTER!
-Too bad -Zim laughed-, so I guess she might go with *me* instead.
-No, she won't!
-And *why* not, Dib? -Gaz demanded darkly.
-Huh?! -Dib asked, speechless, looking at her. She was scowling.
-Maybe I *do* want to go to a Valentine's dance -she said in low voice.
-You hate Valentines Day! -Dib shouted-. You never liked it!
-I have *never* been invited -she replied-. I have *never* received any Valentines Card either.
-Gaz, HE is an ALIEN!! -Dib screamed. Zim rolled eyes and shook his head-. He is not HUMAN!
-Gee... you do whatever you can to annoy me, don't you? -Gaz folded arms-. Maybe I'll choose to ignore you.
There was a loooong moment of silence. Dib glanced at both his sister and his alien Nemesis, not believing what was happening. Finally, he raised hands in despair at his sister.
-Fine! You know what? Date him! Go with the alien! It'll be even better! That way, he's forced to go and *I* will show the truth about him!
Dib rushed to his room, while the girl and the alien watched him. A loud *slam* was heard, making it understood that Dib had closed his room's door. Gaz then turned to Zim.
-You hate "valenines"? -Zim asked.
-Ergh... It's not that I *hate* it -Gaz said- ... I just... never felt good about this season. I'm always being called "geek" and "freak" and all those things because I'm always alone at Valentines.
She looked at Zim, from feet to face, scowling.
-Oh, Lord, please tell me you won't wear that sick outfit tomorrow -she said.
-This? -Zim pointed at his clothes-. No, no. I was being forced to wear these. Eh, so... You do want to go to the dance with me, right? *Tell me*!
-Ohhh... Fine... -she scowled-. But ONLY because I'm being *forced* to do it. If it was up to me, I would prefer to stay at home, playing games or something. Valentines suck.
Zim raised an eyebrow at that comment.
-So, I guess I'll wait for you to pick me up, okay? -Gaz said, emotionlessly-. Come at five. The sooner we go to the dance, the sooner I'll be back home.
-Sure. Fine. Whatever -Zim replied.
Gaz closed the door. Zim stayed there a couple seconds, and then began the walk back home. He stopped after a few feet, looking over his shoulder at the closed door of his Nemesis' house.
-Is she being FORCED? -Zim said. He scowled, and released it soon-. Maybe I was mistaken about this dippy, filthy, darned human race... Some of they happen to act NORMAL -he shook his head with a minute amount of wonder-. What an unusual discovery.
Without saying another word, the disguised alien resumed his trek back to his HQ. He had just found a human couple, and it happened to be his Nemesis' own sister. One less problem, Zim thought.
But, was it? He still needed to learn more about Valentines... and the clock was against him. His only hope was that everything would be over in less than twenty-four hours.