Title: Somewhat Damaged

Author: Raven (spirit_raven_willow@hotmail.com)
Contents: Yaoi!!! Semi-AU (set after endless waltz), slightly OOC, future lemons

Rating: NC-17
Pairings: 1x2, 3x4, 6x5
Notes: I have no real idea where this is gonna go so C&C VERY welcome. Duo, Heero and Wufei work for the Preventers, Trowa is a Journalist, Quatre works for Winner Inc and Zechs owns a gay/Bi bar (this may or may not have *any* significance to the plot I haven't decided) anyway it's after endless waltz and everyone it trying to have normal lives and forget the war but old scars don't always fade.

Italics denote flashbacks
Archive: Anywhere but ask please

Fanfiction.net: http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=444812

A little piece of Gundam Wing:

http://raygunworks.net/singles2/somewhat/somewhat.html

Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue… All you'll get is a purple bunny named Duo and coursework.

Chapter 5 – Moonlit conversations

By the time I got to her apartment I was soaked to the skin. I knocked on the blue door and waited for it to open. I silently shivered in the cold as the door swung open and the familiar Chinese face greeted me.

"Wai Wai, it's been too long and let me in I'm freezing my balls off out here?" She frowned at me: she didn't like harsh language much.

"Course darling," the British accent replied. I stepped into her warm apartment: a perfect blend of oriental charm and British warmth. "I'll make us some tea and you strip off mister I don't want to you catch a cold although looking at you I think that might be too late," she raised an eyebrow. "There's a robe in the bedroom, I don't know how you feel about 'Hello Kitty' but that your fault for getting soaked."

I duly followed her commands shoving my wet cloths in the airing cupboard and pulled on the slightly too small pink dressing gown then sat on the couch.

"So what brings you to my neck of the wood?" She called through from the kitchen.

"It's about him Ying Wai. Who else?"

"Who else indeed darling?" she said putting a mug of tea in front of me. "Have you ever though of *saying* anything to him about how you feel?"

I looked up at her over the rim of the teacup. "What do want me to say to him, 'Hello Heero, the most straight guy on the planet and who hasn't dated in years since Relena stopped stalking him, I – a man – love you and want you fuck me into next week and until I only know three words: Please, more and Heero.'"

"Yes dear," she raised an eyebrow, "Very… descriptive." She paused a moment sipping her tea then looked up over the rim of the blue china mug and said, "I don't think he'd be a opposed to the idea as you may think"

"Why? He would be disgusted with me, if not with the fact that I'm a guy, I'm damaged goods."

She grabbed my shoulders, "You are not damaged goods, you did want you had to when you were young and you had a little fun after the war, so? And besides I would be seriously surprised if Heero was still a virgin or completely straight."

"I don't know Wai Wai, I'm scared. I don't know what I'd do if he rejected me and I lost his friendship, I don't even have Zechs anymore."

"Where's Marquise gone to? You know he would never leave you."

"He has Wu now. He doesn't need me anymore."

"Chun choi! Marquise wasn't your friend till something better came along. You should have more faith in him than that."

"I know but it's hard for me to believe that he won't just throw me away like the others."

"That's something that you'll have to work through on your own darling, but now *you* should sleep: you can figure out what to do about Heero in the morning. Things are always better in the morning light."

***

Heero's lips brushed gently against mine in a ghostly kiss. All my senses were on fire as he gently brushed his hands up and down my exposed sides. I clutched at the bonds that bound me to the iron bedstead. The loss of control aroused me no end, I loved to give my control completely to the man I loved. He wrapped one hand around my cock and suckled at my nipples making pleasure course through my veins. I closed my eyes, overwhelmed by the feelings that were heightened by the love I held: for once it wasn't just sex, it was special. If Heero could stand to touch me like this maybe I wasn't so disgusting.

"Turn over" the deep velvety voice commanded, I did as he asked immediately, getting up on my knees and spreading my legs, showing myself to him. I felt decadently wanton in this position, I was completely at his mercy and I could feel his callused fingers running over my back and inner thighs.

I suddenly felt a sharp slap on my left buttock and I moaned. It was a little known fact but I loved pain, I craved it, it made sex so much better. "Oh gods Heero!" I cried out. Soon smack after smack rained down on my ass and thighs, stroking my cock at the same time so the pain and the pleasure blended together in a perfect duet.

Suddenly the blows fell harder and more frequent, no longer pleasurable.

"No Heero stop you're hurting me." I cried but I realise it wasn't Heero anymore: it was the guy I'd lost my virginity to all those years ago, my first 'client'. He either didn't hear my plea or didn't care as he briefly jammed one lube-covered finger in my ass. "No, please don't…" my face burned in humiliation and tears streamed down my cheeks as the faces of all my 'customers' and other people who has used my body consensually or not, flashed before my eyes. "No, not again, please, please no" I was hysterical.

I felt the burning agony when he entered me I felt my anus stretch, tear and blood slowly trickle down my leg. My mind started to shut down with each savage thrust hoping that he would come soon and it would all be over, when I was brought sharply into the present when I felt a cool blade slice through the skin on my back.

I woke screaming and clawing at my body trying to get the feeling of hands off me. I threw off the cover and ran into her bathroom. I turned on the shower as hot as it would go, stepping in I grabbed the soap and that scrubbing puff thing that usually comes with shower gel and people the world over owned whether they wanted to or not, and started scrubbing at my skin to try to get the violation off me. I couldn't remove the feeling of those disgusting hands from me. I reached over and grabbed Wai Wai's razor and cut thick lines across my wrists. The blood flowed freely down my body mixing with the water. I felt better. The pain killed the hurt; I paid for my sanity with blood. I felt a little light headed and I decided to sit down for a little while, when Wai burst through the bathroom door looking wild with hair sticking up at odd angles and her night dress slipping off one shoulder, then things became a little blurry.

"Oh Gods Duo, not again!" I heard her say, but it was distant as if I was hearing it from a way off.

*Ying Wai P.O.V.*

I rushed over to him, grabbing a towel and turning off the shower. I knew he cut himself but it had never been this bad, and he promised me a year or so ago that he wouldn't do it again.

"Duo can you hear me?" He nodded a weak reply as I used the towel to try to stop the bleeding, raising his wrists over his head and applying pressure. I also draped a towel over his lower half to give him some dignity, not that he would really notice at this point. Now that he was naked I noticed how thin he'd got; his ribs shew and collarbones and hips protruded. I wondered how he'd got like this, but then combine Duo's high metabolism and his record for self-punishment and it all fell into place. He'd acquired some new additions since I'd scene him last: both nipples were now pierced, as well as his penis. Black ink work that caressed his hips and groin, and shoulders.

"Oh Duo," I sighed to myself, "Why must you punish yourself?" Some may have thought that the tattoos and piercing were for aesthetics but I knew that Duo craved pain; he thought that it cleansed his soul, and after I'd make him stop cutting himself I guess this was the alternative. It least it won't kill him I idly though and guessed that I should thank the goddess for small favours.

I gingerly lifted the towel off his wrists and saw that they had clotted but would easily open again if he wasn't careful. I went to the medical cabinet and grabbed the appropriate supplies; I also binned my leg razor, as I would… could never use it again, or look at it for that matter. I put steri-strips over the cuts to stop them opening again, then put on a dressing-pad and bandaged them.

"Wai Wai?" he asked groggily.

"I'm here darling. Are you back with us?"

"Yeah." He said with a fake smile, looking down at his wrists he began to shiver. Oh shit! He's going into shock.

"Come on Duo up we go." I said with false cheerfulness as I basically dragged him by his armpits to my bed wrapping his naked form in my duvet. "Uh Duo, do your want you boxers back?" I asked gently. He looked inside the duvet and then looked embarrassed, he would have blushed but he'd lost a fair amount of blood and I guessed it was going to more important areas.

"Yes please." He said quietly. When I returned he was exactly where I'd left him but the duvet was now around his waist and he was looking at his wrists.

"I'm sorry Wai Wai. I broke our promise." He said in a small voice, he looked into my eyes and looked so lost.

"I won't pretend that I'm not upset," I told him, he visibly flinched at this, "but it's ok. I'm just sad that you felt you had to do this," I said as I handed him his boxers, which he accepted gratefully and slipped on under the duvet.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?"

"You'll think it's stupid and pointless and nothing… and besides it's kind of embarrassing."

"Duo we've know each other for along time, you can tell me anything and I won't judge. If it made you this upset then it must have been something big."

He looked down again breaking eye contact, "I had a bad dream… well it started out nice, very nice: I was having really great sex with Heero," He blushed, "but then he turned into my first 'client' when I was a prostitute and he raped me." His voice cracked, "and then he killed me. And I feel so stupid because it's just a dream but it was so real Wai Wai." The shaking grew worse.

"Oh Duo…" I said moving over on the bed and brought him in for a hug. "Why would you have thought that I thought that was stupid? I know how real your dreams are."

"Well you thought that the thing with Zechs was stupid…" he trailed off and I mentally smacked myself.

"Honey, that's totally different." I stroked his hair. We sat like that for a long time till the tension ran out of his body and he fell back asleep. I lay him down on his side and drew the covers up. I wandered over to the videophone and dialled Heero's number not really caring what time of night it was. I rang for a little while then he picked up.

"Hello Yuy." I said. He looked rather distraught and rather frazzled, which wasn't a thing you often saw on him

"Is Duo with you?" he asked, his voice holding a pleading tone.

"Yes dear he's with me," Heero looked relieved. "That's really why I'm calling. He had nightmare and tried to kill himself again. I think it'd be good for him if you came over to pick him up tomorrow, show you care."

"Ok course," he looked very sad, almost as if he wished that Dup had come to him instead of me. "I'll be over in the morning, and thank you for looking after him. I don't think I'd… we'd be the same if we lost him." I noticed the slip… so I *was* right.

"'Course. You better watch him and make sure he changes the dressings."

We mumbled our goodbyes and went back to bed. I slept on the couch as Duo now occupied my bed. I didn't sleep immediately as I thought I would, instead I thought over the events. I hoped that Duo would be all right; maybe this might shake one of them, hopefully Heero, into saying something.

***

*Duo P.O.V.*

I woke up not on the couch as I expected, but in a bed; this confused me for a bit then I remembered the events of the previous night and felt the dull ache in my wrists, they itched a bit as well and it took most of my willpower not to scratch them. I got up and got dressed in clothes that, though dry, still smelled like rainwater. I wandered in the kitchen and picked up the note that was lying on the kitchen table:

Sorry I'm not here Duo but I had to go to work. Let yourself out when you're ready and wrap up warm: it snowing and change your bandages, you are NOT getting those cuts infected and drink warm milk before you go to bed and for Goddess' sake EAT SOMETHING MISTER DON'T THINK I DIDN'T SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO YOURSELF WHEN YOU WERE CRASHED OUT AND BLEEDING ON MY BATHROOM FLOOR!!!!!!

Smiles and Hugs, Wai Wai J

I smiled at the note, she'd obviously written it in a hurry because of the over use of the word 'and' as it gave it the air of someone that was writing whatever came into their head with out much though to grammar. I thought it was so nice of her to write me a note anyway instead of just leaving.

I poured myself a cup of coffee and heard a knock on the door. I walked over still, holding the mug and saw the most beautiful sight when I opened the door: Heero there in the falling snow, it settling in his hair and eyelashes. He looked breathtaking framed in white and my heart broke again as I realised that he'd never be mine.

"Hello Duo, can I come in? I was worried about you."

Tbc…