SWEET DARKNESS

Part 8

"I told to give him a mask!"

Treize nearly regretted he started saying it; Wufei stopped lazy stirring of a spoon in a bowl of corn flakes and looked up. Wufei didn't eat much - ate so little, in fact, that sometimes Treize wondered how he managed to keep functioning. And now Treize interrupted one of those rare occasions.

But it was too late - and he had to talk.

Rivulets of milk turned under Wufei's spoon. His eyes were down. The long eyelashes seemed to be drawn in ink - until they rose, giving a flash of dark fire.

"What's the problem? He's not dead."

Exotic beauty of Wufei's face had nearly distracted Treize from what he wanted to say - but the voice, so casual, brought him back to his senses. Anger rose in him, dark, seething.

"I can't believe you just say it like this."

"I can't believe you make such a fuss because of a fuckin' morph, Treize."

Wufei talked in that deliberate, purring voice that had nothing in common with his normal one; Treize hated this voice. It alone added to his fury more than anything else.

"If I have to explain that even in war, not inflicting unnecessary suffering to an enemy is what distinguishes us from morphs, Wufei..."

The morph had spent almost two days in the sandstorm without protection; in the basement - it must've been hell... If he were a human, he would be dead.

"I know, I know." Wufei's bony hand waved, stopping him. For a moment, a flash of skin above his wrist was revealed and then a too long sleeve of his baggy sweater fell over it quickly. "You talked about it before."

"If I have to talk about it over and over..."

A spoon fell in the bowl; Wufei got on his feet.

"But I don't have to listen about it."

He was going to walk out and Treize didn't have a way to stop him; unless he'd apply force - but even in his fury he managed to keep away from it. Wufei had been forced enough in his life for him, Treize, to do it.

"Why are you worried so much?" Wufei didn't leave. He stopped close to Treize - so close that they nearly touched - nearly but not quite. Wufei's pale golden face was tilted up to Treize. This closeness made Treize's thoughts mess; he could almost feel the heat of Wufei's body - one more step and he'd feel the bird-like thinness of his bones...

Poisonously beautiful... so desirable... and unrepentant.

"It's a morph, Treize, you didn't forget it, did you? He might have a human face but it doesn't change what he is. He's as much a criminal as all the rest of them." Wufei's eyes were serious, looking at him unfalteringly - and Treize felt his resoluteness drain away. "He deserves everything he gets," Wufei continued. "He deserves to die a thousand deaths. That's what everyone thinks."

The words made Treize feel a flash of anger again.

"Everyone, right? I'm sick of this place turning into a brothel, with my people participating in gang rape and torture..."

But it's only because you, Captain, allowed them, Treize thought bitterly and stopped himself from thinking more. Yet Wufei knew him too well to spare him.

"Isn't it up to you, Treize, to stop it? There are so many ways to take care of him. Shoot him. Or take him to the desert at noon without protection. Or let him suffocate in the storm. And you'll get beautiful Zechs Merquise off of your hands. Well, not so beautiful any more - it's wearing him out, even with his morph's endurance, to serve as a bitch for the whole camp, you're right about it. But let me tell you something, Treize." Wufei's voice dropped so much Treize could barely figure out the words - and strained to hear, even knowing what would be said. "As long as you don't kill him - I'll do what I want."

"It's... inhumane."

"Inhumane?" Treize regretted immediately saying this word - but it was too late. "What are you talking about, Treize? Listen to yourself! You don't know what inhumane is. What did you see to judge about it?"

"It's not true..."

"You've seen nothing, Treize." The voice became merciless, lacing on his nerves with diamond hardness. "Your talks of right and wrong are just that - talks. You've never even been wronged in your life. Humane, inhumane... who the fuck cares? The morph should be dead - or as long as he's not dead, he should suffer."

"It's not about the morph, Wufei."

"About what, then?"

About you, Treize wanted to say; about you and me.

"You challenged my order. Have you heard about chain of command?"

"I'm sorry," Wufei said lightly. "I won't do it again... Captain."

He slapped Wufei. Slapped so hard that his palm went numb - and Wufei's head rocked. The boy swayed, making a step back. A strand of hair fell out of his tight ponytail, brushed against the cheek. He touched his jaw, looking up at Treize.

"Thank you... mon Captain."

The enormity of what he'd done descended on Treize, just a second before after his hand had raised. His palm was stinging - he looked at it as if not able to believe he'd actually done it.

"I didn't... did I hurt you badly? You okay?"

He stepped towards Wufei, reached for him. Wufei avoided his touch - as he always did, his eyes glimmering as he looked at Treize's face.

"What, do you think you broke my jaw? Like you did with the morph? Speaking about inhumane..."

Treize's chest was heaving. He sought for words and could find none.

"Don't worry. You need to apply more force to really hurt me."

"Wufei..."

"I don't need your apologies, Treize, or your concern. Spare it for the morph if you want. Show him your weakness." Wufei walked past Treize, stopped at the door. Treize couldn't look at him, looked down in shame. "You're so weak. Your weakness is that you can't decide whether you want to be kind or cruel. You do everything by halves. You know what the road to hell is paved with? It's about you. I pray your people don't see the weakness of their leader... It's my privilege to see it."

Pain and anger, mixed in great sorrow, filled Treize. He looked, saw Wufei's lowered face with a strand of hair falling over his forehead. Treize's lips felt numb as he whispered one question - the question that hurt him most of all to think about:

"Why do you hate me so much? Because I failed you... because I didn't rescue you in time..."

He saw Wufei jerk his head as if being slapped again; and when his eyes met Treize's, there was such dark fury blazing in them that Treize nearly backed away.

"I hate you, don't I, Treize? And you love me. Only your love is killing me."

It's not true, Treize wanted to cry out - but no words came; his throat feeling paralyzed. And Wufei didn't wait for him to talk.

"Stay away from me, Captain. Go to your beloved morph if you want - but leave me alone."

Treize watched him walk out.

***********************************************************

I didn't see him. I stood in front of the door, hopelessly trying to open it without letting the tray out of my hands. Empty glasses on it clanked against each other pitifully. Of course, it was my sheer laziness; Leo, the cook, asked me to bring the glassware from the recreation room - and I surely needed to pile everything together to make it in one go. So, now I unsuccessfully tried to reach for the button that would let me in.

I already was going to put the tray down - when the door slammed open.

The tray jumped, the glasses sliding from it, hitting the floor in a pretty flood; I gasped miserably seeing it. My shoulder ached where the door hit it. He walked past me.

The collision didn't slow him - but he seemed to notice, glanced back, his slanted black eyes looking with disdain. I had time to notice that Wufei's lips seemed bruised and swollen slightly, his hair in mild disarray. His gaze slid over me with loathing and I found myself muttering helplessly, my hands still clenched on the tray:

"I'm sorry..."

I was; it was my fault - and even if it wasn't, I still thought it better to apologize. Wufei Chang was not someone you wanted to make angry. Treize's right hand man and the best killer in the group - and he was a boy just of my age...

He turned away from me and hissed two words as he continued walking:

"Stupid slut."

Well, I certainly deserved it. I put the tray on the floor, rubbed my shoulder and squatted, gathering broken glass from the floor, when he was beside me.

"You." His voice was completely toneless, so flat that it was almost difficult to understand the words. "What's your name? Quatre Winner, right?" He hadn't said a word to me until now - but he had been in the room when I recorded my statement, so, he must've remembered. "Come with me. Leave it, you'll clean it later."

I got up and followed him. It didn't come to my mind I could disobey - he was in position to give me orders; in fact, everyone of Treize's people was - it was just their kindness that they didn't do it or did it nicely. I didn't ask anything - well, Wufei Chang certainly didn't dispose to asking.

I don't know what I was thinking about when he let me into his room. Likely, kind of fascinated; I'd never thought about entering his quarters, it didn't even come to my mind that I ever would. The room was painted dark; even the light seemed to be lost there. Everything was made in dull colors Wufei apparently preferred, and for his clothes, too. A wide bed covered with black sheets, a table, nets in the corner of the room. It was empty around; carefully neat - as neat as seeping sand allowed it to be - and as carefully void of any possessions. The only thing my eyes stopped on was a mirror on the wall, covered with a dark cloth... It made me creepy; it was like when having a dead man in a room, wasn't it?

I caught myself on staring and looked away quickly. I still found myself unable to look at Wufei's face. Pathetic, wasn't I? So nervous in his presence... as if he threatened me. His eyes looked unkindly, and then he winced - as if my presence caused him headache.

"I see you're wearing my clothes."

I nodded, swallowing. I knew they belonged to him even if it was Doctor J who'd given them to me. I feel uncomfortable not knowing what to say; should I have thanked him for it?

"Take them off," he said.

At the first moment I almost couldn't believe I heard it right. It was so fast I was forgetting things - a few days of no one mentioning those things and I almost could forget how it was.

"Faster," Wufei said.

There was no arousal in his eyes - those things I recognized well - just annoyance - and yet I knew I heard him right and he really meant it. My heart started pounding.

"Treize..."

A flicker of hatred in his eyes became brighter.

"He's Captain Khushrenada for you, isn't he?"

"He said no one would..." I babbled; it felt so stupid to say that but I couldn't help it. "He said no one would make me... have sex..."

"Have sex?" His laughter made me feel small and pitiful at once, even if Wufei wasn't older or stronger than me. "Who said anything about having sex? I have no intention of fucking you. You don't think you're so irresistible, are you?"

My hands started shaking; what else could I think when he'd said it - and yet now I felt ashamed for my thoughts. He made me feel so embarrassed somehow - more than I had ever felt, and I thought I knew all about feeling embarrassed.

"I won't do anything to you," he said calmly and then added. "I swear."

A promise from anyone else - why would I believe it? But he was Wufei, Treize's... Treize's friend and lover. He couldn't be dishonorable.

"Do what I say." He noticed I still hesitated. "You owe me. You owe everyone here, don't you? If we didn't take you with us - you would still be there, in prison - and they would fuck the shit out of you every night. And the same would be with your buddy."

I felt heat rise to my cheeks as he mentioned Trowa; Wufei didn't dare to talk like this about him. He could say whatever he wanted about me, I didn't care - the more so as it was all true. But Trowa... He couldn't use dirty words about Trowa.

I just wanted him to stop talking, so, I unbuttoned my shirt; just to let him see I obeyed him. And he did promise he wouldn't do anything - I had to believe him, I had no other choice.

Of course, I could fight or try to walk out - but what he said was true, after all. I owed him.

It wasn't cold in the room; I just shivered with anxiety. Wufei's gaze slid over me, his eyes heavy-lidded, uninterested.

"Take off everything."

I did. He looked at me for a few moments. The pounding of blood in my ears grew worse. I tried to reason myself that there was nothing new for me in this position, nothing to get worked up about... and he promised, he did promise...

"Get in bed," Wufei said.

All right, I had done it this far. He didn't move when I slipped under thin black sheet. It felt at least marginally better to be covered again. Wufei winced as if going to mind me using his sheets but didn't say anything, stepped behind the nets.

The bed was wide enough to accommodate two people - and there were cuffs fixed at the headboard, the sight that made me panic, until I realized they were put too wide, for an adult man - and a tall one. I just wouldn't fit in them. Behind the multi-layered nets, Wufei was just a shadow, narrow and dark, the rustle of material the only sound I heard. As he walked out, he was hardly less clothed - a long black kimono covering his body, a sash tied on his tiny waist.

He was so thin... I'd never realized it, under his shapeless clothes; he was thin like a stem, and deliberately straight. He walked to the bed without looking at me. His hair was loose.

He was beautiful, I thought suddenly. If I was to draw him, I wouldn't possibly draw him as an animal - but as a flower - a black rose, cut off... Still life.

What silly thoughts these were. But there was some feeling of unreality in what happened. Wufei got onto the bed - and yet I knew he didn't want anything from me. He was so distant - more distant than if there had been any clothes separating us.

I don't want to be with him, I thought; I want to be with Trowa, in our room that became home for me during last days.

Wufei got under the sheet, carefully not touching me. It was so quiet. He lay against the pillow and I lay as well, small shivers going through my body. Ridiculous - wasn't it? One time I even worked up enough courage to start asking him - and he looked at me with antipathy distorting his smooth face:

"Keep quiet."

And he was completely quiet, not even his breath audible - all I heard now was just wild thumping of my heart. Then there was another sound - steps in the corridor.

Wufei moved so swiftly, I didn't have time to react. He was over me, his hand under my chin, pressing so hard it was difficult to swallow. I heard him whisper in my ear:

"Make a sound and I'll kill you."

His face was very close as he made me stay motionless - and his lips were almost touching mine - but not in a kiss. An imitation of kiss... Wufei's hair, soft - the only soft thing about him - fell over my face.

The steps reached the threshold and halted - and I knew whose these steps were. I understood everything.

I should've fought - it was not that I was afraid of Wufei's threat; but I felt so weak suddenly I couldn't make a sound even if I wanted... just to look helplessly.

As if he'd only heard the steps, Wufei turned back, letting me go a little. I could see the man at the door now, could see Treize - but not his face, not his eyes. My vision blurred and my heart thudded so much it seemed to be about to break through my ribcage.

"Sorry, Treize. I thought you understood. We don't have anything in common. The little whore has much more in common with me than you."

Wufei's thin cool fingers brushed over my chest, pinched a nipple. He pulled the sheet away. I had nothing under it. There was something disgustingly hypnotizing in his actions. I just couldn't move.

He must've realized I wasn't hard. I felt his hand cover my groin but there was nothing else I felt. Shame made me numb. I couldn't discern the expression on Treize's face. For all I could know, he might've been about to kill me - and I deserved it - and, maybe, it would be better if he did it. Better than thinking what he thought about me...

"And you can go share the company of mon cher Zechs Merquise if you want, Treize," Wufei said sweetly. I saw Treize turn away and walk out.

For a few more moments Wufei listened to the wandering away steps - and then the hand under my chin was gone.

"Get up."

Feeling somewhat dizzy, I scrambled out of the bed and saw Wufei, his kimono unperturbed, get up, take a wet tissue from a box, wipe his hands on it. After he'd touched me...

The white crumpled tissue floated on the floor and I couldn't take my eyes away from it.

What a fool... what a fool I was - let myself being used like this - like this tissue; let him play with me to hurt Treize. He'd better raped me, I thought.

"Move. Get dressed and get out." He yanked the sheets from the bed, crumpled them and shoved in my hands. "Drop them to the laundry on your way."

It was not even the deliberation of everything he did, his gestures and words that got to me. He despised me - so what, he probably had the reason - and was I anything but despicable? What I couldn't forget was Treize's silence when he looked at us. I never wanted to hurt Treize.

Treize had saved my life - and he made me believe I could start from a clean slate, that my past didn't matter so much after all. I even hoped Treize could like me a little.

"What's wrong with you?" Wufei said indignantly. "You're not only a whore but also dumb?"

I don't know what happened to me; my head was burning and the words came out without my wish. The words were impotent, outrageous - but I couldn't stop, even though I knew I shouldn't have said them, would hate myself for saying them.

"So, I'm a whore and you can't stand me so much? I'm too dirty for you, ain't I? And what are you? You aren't better than me!" I knew it was not right what I said - it was irreparable. I saw how his eyes grew wider - but I just couldn't stop. "I saw the scar on your hand." When he'd held me, the sleeve of his kimono slid down - and there was a trace of bluish, deformed skin under it, going from his wrist up to his arm. "I know where these things come from! If you can't wash after being with a morph... it turns acidic after a while... it leaves traces like that... They fucked you, too - just like me..."

Wufei hit me. I still was talking when a blow threw me on the floor. The punch was heavy - almost unbelievably heavy, coming from a person slight like this; my head was ringing and my tongue got between my teeth, making blood fill my mouth.

He stood over me, his arms crossed, and the corner of his mouth was twitching. I lashed at him, half-blindly; I didn't know whom I hated more - him for starting it all or myself for the foul words I said. I must've hurt him with my words so much.

He caught my wrists and hit me in the left side, against my barely healed ribs. I shrieked; pain sliced through me like heated blade. He moved so fast - I didn't have time to shield myself. I was on the floor again and he was over me, his hand in my hair.

Wufei's face slipped out of focus as he slammed my head against the floor. His knees pressed on my sides, my ribs ablaze with pain. My mouth filled with blood as the room rocked around me. He kept hitting me and I thought that there is happened - he'd kill me now... but it wouldn't be so bad to let it happen.

Then suddenly his weight on me was gone and the blows stopped. For a little while I still couldn't see clearly; red stains floated in front of my eyes. Then the haze was gone.

Trowa was there. Trowa - as always - had come to save me. Wufei sat on the floor, sucking blood from his lip. The kimono pooled around him and he drew it closer, wrapping himself tighter into it.

I sat up, looking in a worry, afraid that Wufei could do something, could attack Trowa - and Trowa was not in the right state to fight. But Wufei stayed where he was - and Trowa stood between us. His pale face was strained and he looked so thin and pale, like a specter; I felt like reaching to him to help him stand.

Trowa, I wanted to call but couldn't say a word.

His gaze from under the long bangs was scathingly sharp as he turned to Wufei. His voice was scathing as well:

"You son of bitch, you can't take 'no' for an answer or what? Treize said no one would touch him. You didn't hear it, did you?"

I knew what was happening - he thought that Wufei... I wanted to tell him he was wrong, it was as much my fault as it was Wufei's.

"He didn't..." I started. Wufei's eyes glittered mockingly as he looked at Trowa. When he talked, it was just:

"Get out of my room."

"Let's go, Quatre." Trowa turned to me and gave me his hand. "Get dressed. Where are your clothes?"

And at the next moment his eyes found them. Folded neatly on the chair at the bed.

He looked at me. I knew what he was thinking, could read it in his eyes so clearly - and there was completely nothing I could do about it. I felt heat rising to my cheeks as I saw the look in Trowa's eyes change.

He looked away from me, turned to Wufei again.

"'No' is 'no', he can say it at any moment, do you understand? You have no right to force him, no matter what he did..."

"Spare me from your moralizing," Wufei's voice was almost a rustle, as if he was too bored to speak in a full voice.

I flushed. I got Trowa into this situation, it was all my fault...

"And you," Trowa looked at me again. "If you lead someone on and then turn him down, you should be prepared you'd get hurt, sooner or later. Or do you really... do you really like it rough?"

These words shattered something inside me. The numbness in me turned into blazing pain but I could move at last. I got up on my feet, struggled into my clothes, not looking at either of them. And in fact I could see almost nothing apart from red circles dancing in front of my eyes.

Do you really like it rough... These words kept pounding in my ears as I stumbled out of Wufei's room, walked along the corridor to the shower. I locked the door behind me and there, under lashing water, I threw up.

* * *

The water pattered over my shoulders, first lukewarm then cold. I shivered and turned it off. The floor felt shaky under my feet and I touched the tiled wall, steadying myself. Dizziness made me light-headed. I probably was concussed a little and my ribs ached numbly.

I looked at starting bruises with distaste. The water sloshed around my ankles as I walked up to the pile of my clothes and started dressing. I didn't want to go out; here, in the shower room with the door closed, I somehow felt sheltered, felt tranquil, more or less. But I couldn't stay here for the night, could I? It would be beyond ridiculous.

From the mirror, my own face looked at me - pale, with wet sticky bangs and wide open dark eyes. For a moment I stared at myself, feeling faintly sick at my own expression, then turned away.

Wufei was right; I really was dumb. I wanted to hit this face, to feel my hand smash against the smooth surface, splinters enter my hand. But it really wasn't the mirror I hated - it was myself - and how could I punish myself enough?

Pain shot through me, not from the places where Wufei had hit me but from my chest - cutting, physical pain - and I crumpled on my knees, hugging myself, rocking slightly to make it go away. It went away, eventually - leaving emptiness in its stead.

"What have I done..."

My voice was just a whisper, nearly inaudible - but there was an answer to that question and I knew it so well. Whatever I had done - I had to live with it now. I just couldn't hate myself more for it that I already did.

I lost him; I lost Trowa. The only friend I had since my life had become that disaster. I'd met him when I thought I wouldn't ever meet another person who would care... for whom I would care... But how did I dare to hope?.. I was a fool and a whore - and I finally lost him.

I hadn't expected it, had been afraid of different things - of him going away, of his crazy decision to keep the vaccine and die. But now he despised me - and whose fault was it except mine? I recalled how contempt filled his eyes as he realized that I didn't deserve his protection, that I must've given in to Wufei myself. He hadn't looked at me with such contempt even in the beginning, when we'd just met.

"Do you really like it rough..."

I hit the floor with both fists. There was water there and I saw a streak of blood dissolve in it and realized I must've cut my hand on a rough tile. It didn't matter. I wiped it on my pants and got up. Enough of hiding there; I should've faced the results of my stupidity.

Trowa... and Treize; two people who showed me kindness and I wronged both of them. But could anything else happen - could I *not* wrong them - being what I was? A whore both in my mind and in my body.

There was no one in the corridor and I felt small relief; I wouldn't be able to face anyone at the moment, to answer questions and give explanations. Yet my feet didn't want to walk to the infirmary; it was like I couldn't control my own body, forcing every step forward.

I thought about going to the recreation room instead, hide there and spend the night - and hated myself even more for this wish. Coward... If you can't face Trowa - then go shoot yourself, go walk to the desert and never come back. But if you were weak enough to let it all happen - then face the consequences.

The light was off but Trowa was in bed, I could see his narrow silhouette under the blanket. He was getting so thin, with the fever burning him out. I felt throbbing in my chest, thinking about it.

I stopped myself from looking at him; if I didn't, I would lose even the remnants of nerve I had. So, I walked up to my bed stiffly, discarded my clothes and dived under the blanket. Stains of white and red floated in front of my eyes as I listened to the beating of pulse in my ears. I turned away from Trowa, just to be as far away from him as possible, pulled the blanket over me and hugged myself.

Pain in my ribs was like small flashes of white - but the pain in my chest was heavy and swelling, not letting me breathe. My eyes were stinging and I bit my lip, forbidding tears to leak. What was the point of those tears?

It just hurt too much...

"Quatre?" The voice reached me - quiet, careful. I flinched; my hands clenched on the blanket so hard I probably was fraying it through. I wouldn't answer; I couldn't. Yes, I was a coward - but now, at the moment - I just couldn't handle that.

"Quatre? Are you all right?"

If I don't answer, he'll give up. He'll go to sleep and tomorrow... tomorrow it'll be another day - and I'll maybe have strength enough to face him.

Trowa was silent; he must've understood. And then I felt his light movement behind me - and my bed creaked under his weight as he sat down.

"Quatre..."

His hand was on my shoulder, hot even through the blanket - and I started back, shrunk away - so abruptly my head banged against the bed rails. Metallic taste in my mouth became stronger.

"Quatre," his voice was kind, almost soft - and his hand still was on me, on my arm now. "Are you hurt?"

Trowa's face was in shadows, serious and concerned. It hurt me to look at it, at its cleanness, at the deep green of his eyes. He was so perfect, in everything - nothing could foul him.

"Tell me. What's wrong? Should I call for J?"

How could he still worry about me? Even though he thought...

I shook my head fervently; I didn't need J, I didn't need anyone... it was breaking me to feel his hand against my skin, to see his patient gaze.

"Quatre... did he injure you?"

He asked as if it was important - as if he hadn't seen with his own eyes the evidence that I'd been with Wufei on my own will. Suddenly I couldn't breathe at all - and then something shattered in me. My voice came out high-pitched, distorted.

"I don't like it rough..."

His face changed, the look of concentration on it deepened.

"What?"

"I didn't lead him on. He said there wouldn't be anything, he wouldn't want sex with me!" Suddenly the words rushed out, in a flow, and I couldn't stop them. "He wanted it for a show, for Treize, to make Treize jealous, he just wanted me to play along..."

"Oh," Trowa said. I didn't know if there was any sense in what I said - but he seemed to understand. "Oh. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, Quatre."

These words of his - I suddenly knew that he really meant them - were almost unbearable. I gasped, looking at him, unable to say anything or move. And then pain was gone and relief came, so huge that it was akin to pain as well.

I threw myself at him, not caring any more how cautious he was about touching, wrapped my arms around him, pressed to him. The thinness of his body, hard lines of it, his heat - he was so wonderful. He was all I ever wanted... all I ever wanted was to hold him like this, to be this close with him. My hero, my beautiful, my beloved...

He shifted awkwardly; and then his hands lay lightly on my shoulder-blades. I hugged him and he held me, his embrace getting tighter little by little.

"You don't hate me, really?" I whispered against his collarbone. It was almost like a kiss, with my lips so close to his skin. I heard his breath hasten a little.

"I don't hate you." There was a small chuckle in his voice and then he added with complete seriousness. "How can I..."

His arms around me were so warm, so safe - safe like I didn't feel anywhere, with anyone. With Trowa close, I knew there wouldn't be fear, no sick unreasonable panic that seized me sometimes - when everyone around seemed an enemy and even accidental touch hurt. Trowa's touches never hurt. I wanted him to touch me, wanted him to be near. I wanted him to be with me, to make love to me. I knew I wouldn't feel bad then, wouldn't think about the past - it would all be different. He would make me clean then.

But Trowa had made his choice; decided to stay chaste for the sake of his Order - and, so, there was no way...

I took his hand, pressed to my lips, kissing his long fingers. It was not that I made a move on him, I respected his decision. I just wanted to touch him at least this way, to let him know that I cared.

I expected Trowa to pull his hand away. His fingers trembled a little; and then he whispered, in trembling, fluctuating voice:

"Quatre... what're you doing?"

I kissed the tips of his fingers - and at the next moment he pulled me tighter to himself, his face pressed to my hair. I felt his breath become louder, harsher, his lips against my temple. His arm around my back pressed me harder, almost convulsively, his fingers sticking in my skin.

And then I understood. But I stayed quiet for a few more seconds, giving him a chance to back away, to change his mind. Our bodies stayed close - and then I took his fingers in my mouth, licked them. A shuddering breath Trowa made was almost like a moan, reverberating through all his body. His reaction awed me, so intense at such a small stimulation. His hand clenched harder on me, almost scraping me - but I didn't care, it couldn't feel any better. His thin fingers were hot and the tips of them rough; I sucked on them, feeling the tiny shivers going through his body.

"Quatre..." Trowa's voice almost as if he was going to cry - or beg me to spare him. But how could I spare him? He couldn't ask me for it - not now, when our bodies were merged so close together that there was only one way of being even closer.

I left his hand, turned, caught his face in my hands and plunged my tongue in his mouth. He seemed to be unsure what to do, responding feebly - and I felt my heart clenching painfully at the thought that he didn't know how it was done, had lived all those years without thinking or wanting to do it.

His breath was strained. Trowa's hands clasped on my shoulders as if he needed support to steady himself. There was a painful grimace on his face as I let him go.

"I don't feel your taste," he whispered in a hurt voice. "I want to know how you taste but I feel nothing, with this flu..."

When he started talking, I was afraid he'd changed his mind, would tell me to break off. But as he said it, I couldn't feel chuckling, strangely lightheaded with his words.

"It's okay," I said, "there are other things to do."

He kissed me then. Not on the lips - but quick, soft kisses, all over my face, somewhat greedy. His hands touched my body, feverishly and awkwardly, sliding over my chest and back and freezing there. He shivered unceasingly now; his hips moved in instinctive, uncontrollable motions. I pulled him to myself, let us both fall on the bed, him over me. He was hard - I could feel it - and he flinched greatly as his cock pressed against my thigh.

He kissed my chest now; his eyes were tightly shut and there was almost an expression of pain on his face. I thought he wouldn't bear it for long.

"Trowa... Trowa." He looked like waking up from a dream as his eyes opened. "Undress."

He obeyed me without a pause, got free from his clothes. His narrow body, golden-pale, was perfect in its lines, a jagged scar on his side like a red slash.

I shivered, too, as his naked body pressed to mine. His groin was even hotter than the rest of him, his slender organ silky and pulsing under my hand and against my cock as I pressed them together. He breathed so loudly, it was almost like sobs. The wetness from the tip of his cock coated my hand as I rubbed our shafts together.

It was his first time, I thought; and, maybe, his last time - wasn't it why he gave in? Because so little time was left and he almost despaired he would be able to leave here. His first time had to be special; he had to have everything.

I moved up, spreading my legs, sinking fingers in my anus. I practically healed, after the last time with Hannigan and others, just little soreness stayed. I worked, stretching myself, biting my lip. It was not going to be easy for Trowa to get in, using only spittle.

But there was nothing around here I could use - and I was afraid if I broke the moment, if I let him go - he could change his mind, could refuse. So, I'd have to do without lube.

He must've guessed what I was going to do as I moved because it almost looked like he was frightened. I had a grip on his cock, guided it between my thighs. The pressure built up; the stretching flashed a pang of pain through me.

I probably gave out a small sound because Trowa froze, his eyes open, intent on me.

"What happened?"

"Nothing... It just... would be easier with lube."

"Can we get it somewhere?"

"I think J might have something."

"Then let's get it."

I shook my head.

"No way I let you go. What if you have second thoughts?"

He laughed; it was not particularly merry laughter, rather nervous - but there was this breathless quality in it that made it the most erotic sound in the world.

He pushed me away a little.

"Go find it. I don't know what to look for. I'll be here."

I dashed to the cupboard where J kept his stuff. A tube of ointment had to do. In moments I was back there. Trowa was still in my bed; I was hyperventilating with relief.

He trembled under my hand as I lubed him, his face having a submissive, almost lost expression. His eyes went wide and his cock jerked as he watched how I put my fingers into me, stretching myself. I straddled him and guided his cock inside me.

There was some pain and I waited it out. Trowa's muscles were vibrating as he lay quietly under me. I reached and pushed his hair away from his face. How beautiful he was, with flush on his cheekbones, with his eyes darkened in arousal. There was a wild look in his eyes as he stared at me.

"Oh God, Quatre..." he said. "Quatre, please..."

His words hit so hard I jerked - and he moaned in pleasure - and I steadied myself, not moving any more. I looked down at him ruthlessly.

"Trowa, listen to me."

"What... what?" His voice was breaking.

"I don't want you to die. I won't let you die. I know what we have to do. Doctor J will take the vaccine out of you and put it inside me. And then we'll have three more weeks to wait for a corridor."

His tossed his head from side to side on the pillow, his eyes half-closed. Was it a negation or just despair? I didn't know; I was not going to show mercy.

"Think about it. If you die, what good it will do for those who wait for the vaccine, for your Order? And with me carrying it, you'll be able to concentrate on your way back."

"You can't..." he whispered. "You're of the same age as I am."

"So what?" I shook him slightly. "So what?"

"I can't make you go through it."

Baka, baka...

"If you could - then I can, too. I'll be okay - and you'll... you'll fulfil your obligations in front of the Order."

I knew it had an effect, could see it in his face. I put my hands on his cheeks, made him look at me.

"You know what? I won't move until you say 'yes'. I won't fuckin' move."

I wanted him to understand I was serious - but his eyes were so wild I was not sure he could understand. Then he whispered, in a faltering, barely audible voice:

"Yes. Yes, Quatre, yes."

And I moved, and he cried out and I felt heat of his come inside me - and a few moments later I came as well.

To be continued

Hmm, I like Wufei. I really do. I don't know why he happens to be so... over-the-top :-) Thank you all for the most wonderful reviews and advice!!! You make me feel so happy. It's thanks to you I keep writing! Please let me know what you think.