Title: Somewhat Damaged

Author: Raven (spirit_raven_willow@hotmail.com)
Contents: Yaoi!!! Semi-AU (set after endless waltz), slightly OOC, lemons, mentions to NCS, sap eventually.

Rating: NC-17
Pairings: 1x2, 3x4, 6x5
Notes: I have no real idea where this is gonna go so C&C VERY welcome. Duo, Heero and Wufei work for the Preventers, Trowa is a Journalist, Quatre works for Winner Inc and Zechs owns a gay/Bi bar (this may or may not have *any* significance to the plot I haven't decided) anyway it's after endless waltz and everyone it trying to have normal lives and forget the war but old scars don't always fade.

Italics denote flashbacks
Archive: Anywhere but ask please

Fanfiction.net: http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=444812

A little piece of Gundam Wing:

http://raygunworks.net/singles2/somewhat/somewhat.html

Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue… All you'll get is a purple bunny named Duo and coursework.

Chapter 8 – Painful explanations

*Heero P.O.V.*

I came down of my high to realise that Duo has his eyes shut and was shaking underneath me.

"What's wrong baby?" I asked but all I got was I whimper. I shook him gently calling up his name trying to wake him.

"Heero?" he asked opening his eyes.

"I'm here baby. Where did you go?"

"Nowhere. Never mind." I continued to look on worriedly as he moved to get out of bed. The cat jumped on the bed wearing the cat equivalent of a frown and nudged my hand. Yeah I get it cat. Go talk to him.

Moved over the bed till I was behind him and put my arms on his shoulders. He visibly shivered and moved away from me. I was scared shitless. I'd only just got him and now he was pulling away from me.

"Duo-koi, what's wrong? Was it me?"

He turned around quickly, "No it's nothing to do with you everything's fine." He cupped my face with one hand, "I just remembered something… but it's gone now. Want some coffee?" pulling on his robe he left our bedroom. I was confused, seemed ok before and now… I knew something was bothering him and I wanted to know what it was. I assumed it was something about his past; it'd given us problem in the past why not now? I made no claim to know Duo inside out, at least not yet. I knew what was in his file, the church and all but there was still so much locked away beneath the surface. It was like a frozen lake: dangerous beneath the surface, once you cracked the shell and went under you may never get out again.

By the time I had come out of my thought and the warm embrace of my bed at least 10 minutes had past. I wandered through the apartment to the kitchen in search of Duo but he wasn't in there. There was however a pot of coffee freshly made so, pouring myself I mug I continued on. I went through the lounge and hearing soft noised I pushed open the door of Duo's old bedroom that was now a mini gym.

I found Duo looking more attractive and undeniable sexy than I ever had before. He'd lost the robe and was just in his loose pyjama pants, his pale toned chest exposed. He was bouncing on his toes as he made jabs at the punching bag. Strands of hair came out of his braid, and his bangs stuck to his face. His skin was covered in a thin sheen of sweat making seem to glow in the early morning light. I could see the finely corded muscles shift under his skin as did a round house kick to the bag. The attack on his invisible opponent grew more and more fierce until with one final high side kick one of the chain likes finally gave out and the bag came crashing to the floor. He stood over it breathing slightly heavier than normal, staring, almost seem as though he were willing the bag to get back up and continue the fight.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I sad announcing my presence.

He whipped round, braid following making a perfect ark behind him. "Talk about what?" he grinned but it never made it as far as his eyes. They gleamed with an almost manic light.

"About why you freaked out earlier when I touched you?"

"I didn't freak."

"Yes you did, you were screaming and shaking when I stopped."

"Every heard of being in the moment. Maybe I was enjoying it."

"You didn't come. You weren't enjoying it. I've been patient because I know there are thing that I don't know about you, things that happened to make you think that you're disgusting and not worth loving, and before you say that I won't understand. Try me. See if I fit. But nothing will get better if you don't try. I took psych classes in my training, as it would 'make me understand my enemy' and what happed tonight was that I triggered something unpleasant in your mind and this" I gestured to the fallen bag, "is from you trying to beat the crap out of that thing or person. Am I close?" wow that was probably the most I'd ever said in one go.

He continued to stare at me be fore turning to look out of the window. He had one of the best views in the apartment from the widow, it looking straight down in to the communal garden that the complex shielded on three sides. It was large and beautiful and full of trees and plants that could only be found on the earth sphere.

I walked into the room and sat on the fallen punching bag. He continued to stare out of the window in silence except for the gentle rain hitting the window pane for what seemed like hours but I wouldn't leave. He needed to finally talk about this; and I'd be here waiting.

"I don't know where to begin really." He said not turning around.

"The beginning is always a good place to start."

"Yeah… I guess the start is Solo. You know were best buds, he taught me everything I needed to know to survive; he was the one that gave me my name. I loved Solo so much that it hurt when he went off sometimes. Everything was great for a couple of years, I mean we were still hungry and there was always a water shortage but I mean it was all good as long as we were together, we always seemed to have enough money to get by as well for these other little kids that we looked after. And then one day we heard that a plague was going around because of the poor living conditions it had a perfect place to breed and spread. But we never though it would touch us, L2 is a big colony and it couldn't possibly touch our little corner. But then one day Solo started coughing and we weren't worried because we all got sick all the time: no biggie. But it got worse and then he started coughing up blood. I think he knew he was dying long before he told the rest of us.  Before he passed he told a seven year old me that I had to be strong for the rest of them, and at the time I didn't see why he was telling me this, he told me that sometimes when things got really bad that I should try to get myself all pretty and wear my hear down instead of tying it, and wear my tightest clothing a go to the corner of 69th and Bliss parkway and some nice men would give me money to put their penis in my ass for a while. He told me that it would hurt but it was the only way…" his voice cracked, "and then he hugged me and told me not to be afraid and that we'd see each other again… and then he gave this moan and couched up some black stuff and then he went limp in my arms. His eyes still staring up at me. I was ages till some other the other kids found me holding his body and crying till there was nothing left.

"I did what he said of course and he was right. About everything…" he took a deep breath before continuing. Poor Duo, I never knew that he had to do… that. It much have been horrific on a tiny seven year old body with a fully grown man. "I know you know about the Maxwell church." He gave a sad chuckle, "Everyone knows about the Maxwell church so I won't go into it but it was someone else that died because of me… someone else that I loved…

"I guess the next thing was much later, after training with G, after the wars. Do you remember when I went to visit Howard in Bath?"

"Yes, I can remember how much you complained that you had to change trains because there wasn't a direct line from London anymore"

"Yeah. Well you know that Howard has always kind of thought of me as his kid. Ya know since the Peacemillion thing and all we always kept in touch and going on all the time about the next weird 'thing' were we gonna put together from junk metal? Well apparently he talks to he nephew about me… a lot. He's a couple of years older and a lot bigger than me… um, think how Treize was and then add about another 20 or so pounds of muscle and a lot less attractive: then you have Alex. Well were got left alone in the house while Howard went to go fix something of a friends and so would be gone for a few hours, I mean his wife Jo was upstairs so I wasn't too pissed about being left in the house on my own with someone I barely know. And ya know how I like to make new friends. We chatted for about an hour and we were getting on great, he was kinda dull and kept going on about all these martial arts he knew, he was totally full of crap I knew but it was the polite thing do: to listen to him.

"And I realise afterwards that when he started going on about how Howard must have been tying to set us up by leaving us here alone, and how he'd been thinking about me for months, years, God knows. And then again when he started to move close and leant over, leaning on the back of the sofa near my head. Then before I really realise what was going on, he grabbed my wrist and pinned them above my head and was sitting on my legs. He was so much stronger than me, Heero, I couldn't move. Again as an after thought I knew I should have screamed. I should have screams and shouted and wriggled and done something until Jo came and found us, but I didn't I lay there in this really disgusting couch that Howard must have had for God knows how long and let him… let him, kiss me and touch me and that almost wasn't so bad but the he used one hand to open his pants and bring his dick out. He was saying how beautiful I was and how much he'd been wanting me and how much I wanted him too, even though I wasn't hard or responsive or anything and the he started rubbing himself against me: my stomach, my chest until he came over me. Then he scooped up some of his come and shoved the preferred finger in my mouth saying how I should get used to it and how I should love the taste of my boyfriends come.

"Then I heard Jo clomping down the stairs yelling if I wanted tea, he jumped off me, quickly zipping his pants up and shoved me in the bathroom telling me to get myself cleaned up. I think I threw up till I couldn't anymore. I desperately wanted a shower but there wasn't time: Jo was asking what the hell I was doing in there for so long and was I all right. When I came out Alex asked me out into the garden and as I could hardy scream 'no you asshole you just partially raped me' and Jo was looking at me funny I went. He said that would we tell Howard that we were a couple now? And how long distance relationships would work if you gave them a chance. I just looked at him.  Couldn't think of a single thing to say, I don't think there was anything to say. So I just turned and went back into the house saying I felt ill and locked myself in the bathroom till Howard came and took him home. I think I scrubbed my skin till it was red raw and bushed my teeth and mouth with half a tube of toothpaste till I started even remotely feeling better and less violated. I remember my ass feeling sore and the zipper broken on my pants but I don't remember anything like that so, who knows? What I do know is that I will never forget that… that feeling of being so weak and help less, I've faces fleets of mobile suits and not batted and eyelid but this civilian hurt me more than any number of OZ soldiers. I'd never kissed anyone, ever till then and except for the unfortunate incidents before Father Maxwell found me I'd never done it, or fooled around with anyone either. He took every hope of a decent first time with him, he probably didn't even realise it. I'd wanted to save it for you," he turned around and looked me in the eyes; I also saw his legs wobbling and start to give out. I caught him the second he stated to fall. "But that was all turned to shit, no magical first times for Duo Maxwell…"

He trailed off exhausted. There was nothing left to say. You never think things like that happen to people you know.  I kind of knew about his childhood, that was not big shocker: things are hard when you're an orphan, I know that. But this thing with Alex: Howard's nephew really shook me. You think rapists are easily recognisable but they're not. They're all around us. We sat in silence on the floor of our gym. The ice had cracked and the dark water was all around us, I only hoped that I could swim hard enough for the both of us.

Tbc…

Author's notes: I'm not sure about this chapter, I was nervous about writing it and I'm shaking as I type this and feeling rather sick. I hope I haven't lost anyone along the way there; it'll get happier soon I promise but I felt that this had to go here. I know that the part about Solo and everything has been done so many times before but it's an important element to Duo's past so I thought it should go here. About the second rape I was really unsure of that but the thing is, is I'm pretty much writing this whole thing as therapy so you can make of that what you like… Please can more people review, or at least indicate that they are actually reading this. Please?