6. GAZING AT THE STARS
Claire muttered the few really bad words she knew and freed her ankle from the brambles again. The sneaking plants seemed to make fun of her, catching her feet and making her trip every second step. It was not dark anymore, but even in the grey light of dawn she was completely lost in the forest. By day the way was easy to find, but when she ran from the house it had been night. Though the moon was almost full, she had been blinded by angry tears. So she had not actually lost the way but rather never found it in the beginning. All she had done in the last hour - besides tripping and sobbing - was trying to find something that resembled a path that would take her to Hogwarts or at least back into Hogsmeade.
Eventually she sat down on a fallen trunk in a clearing and had a good look at the twisted ankle. It had not been a good idea to run away in slippers and night-shirt. Right now she'd have given half of the Winterstorm fortune for a pair of boots and a cloak. Or a map …
A noise in the underbrush startled her. There were things in the Forbidden Forrest, creatures and animals, and she was not sure how dangerous they really were. After all her parents had told her the world was awfully dangerous and it had turned out rather friendly. On the other hand, even Sirius had warned her to not walk alone through the forest …
Sirius. She blinked. She would not start weeping again like a lost child. She was a grown woman, she was respected in the business world, her store managers feared her scrutiny and intelligence. So why should she cry over something as stupid as this damned piece of jewellery she had found under her pillow?
She remembered waking up in the middle of the night, feeling secure and warm in Sirius' arms. She remembered the steady rhythm of his hearbeat. And how her hand, burried under the pillow, had suddenly found something cold, something that felt like a thin chain. Carefully she slipped out of Sirius' embrace and angled the thing from under the pillow to study it by the moonlight that fell through the high window. Her heart sunk when she saw that it was indeed a thin silver chain, beautifully fashioned with a crystal trinket as small as her thumb nail. He had done it again.
Tears welled up and she clenched her fingers around the chain. Gazing at Sirius sleeping, she tried to calm down. He had left things under her pillow all week long. A book. A small box with chocolate truffles. Whenever they shared a bed she found something the next morning, and every time it made her more miserable. Payment. He payed her. As faithfully as her best business partners. What she had intented to be a gift, was obviously worth something. A soft sob escaped, leaving her confused and again embarrassed about how little she knew about relationships.
Her mother had never mentioned her father giving her gifts whenever they did … that. Claire blushed. She could not belive her parents had ever behaved like Sirius and she did almost every other night. And still, they had to, at least once, or she would not exist. But she was almost sure her father had never paid her mother for that.
Silently she searched for her slippers and left the bedroom. Her office was calm and by the moonlight she saw the archive trunk in the corner. Kneeling in front of it, she softly knocked at the lid. The trunk opened.
Claire cleared her throat. Information. She needed information. In the morning she'd go and ask Laurel for advice. There was no way she'd talk to Sirius about it, the humiliation would probably kill her. And the subject wasn't really something she'd want Minerva to lecture her about. But Laurel was almost her age, and she was happily married, and if payment amongst husband and wife was common, she'd know.
But until then, the trunk would do.
"Sex. Payment. Tariff. Conditions."
The trunk spit out a dozen papers, and what she read was enough to let Claire sneak out of the house in only her slippers and night-shirt and run towards Hogwarts.
And now she was lost, and cold and scared. She pushed the memory to the back of her mind. The most important thing was to get out of the forest, and then she'd deal with her husband.
The noise in the bushes made her heart beat faster. Something broke through the bushes, and she had to clamp a hand over her mouth to not cry out in fear.
The creature was half horse, light brown and graceful, half man, with curly brown hair and beard. Claire had seen pictures of centaurs but had thought them extinct. The stories she'd read about them were not all friendly. Supposedly they were arrogant, rather aggressive when annoyed and very protective of their territory. But this centaur had warm eyes, almost golden, and did not look as if he'd … whatever it was centaurs did to their enemies.
"Good morning," he said in a low soulful voice, as if he just met her on the main street in Hogwarts.
"Good morning." Claire replied politely. She was still not sure how to behave. Would he want to be addressed like a person, or sooner petted and groomed?
The centaur stepped closer and crossed this arms over his chest. "What are you looking for?"
"Nothing. I am …" She sighed. No use to pretend to just have taken a walk. "No, indeed, I am looking for the way out of the forest."
The centaur flung back his head and stared at the sky beyond the treetops. "The stars will tell us the way."
"I beg your pardon?" Claire remembered that centaurs were very fond of astrology. But the last thing she needed now was some obscure stargazing.
"The northern star." He pointed out a significant star low on the western firmament. "It is always there, and will tell you where you are and where you want to go."
"Oh. I'll remember that." She looked up at the star and tried to memorise its position. "But right now, could you show me the way out?"
He raised his eyebrows. "What is your name, woman? Why would anybody want to enter the Forbidden Forrest without an idea where to go?"
"I am Claire Winterstorm." She blushed a little, annoyed that he obviously thought she was out of her mind or just plain stupid.
"My name is Dareius," the centaur bowed his head, and again Claire fought the urge to pat it. "Your ankle is hurt."
"It is only twisted." She looked down at her feet. The hem of her night- shirt was muddy and so were her legs since she had accidentally stepped into a mud puddle.
"So you cried not because you are injured," Dareius observed.
"How do you know I …"
"The stars told me." Then he smirked and his eyes sparkled. "No, I heard you weep for quite a while. I have been following you since you stumbled over that rock an hour ago."
Claire brushed wet hair strands out of her face. "You could have helped me before."
The centaur shrugged, a gesture that looked more than strange since he had two sets of shoulders, one on the animal part and one on the human part of his body. "I am offering my help now. Why did you cry?"
She sighed. "I was … angry."
"Aha." He stared unblinkingly at her.
"I am not really good at arguments, and I needed to get away before it started."
"Aha."
"Is that all you are going to say?"
"If you don't tell me what really bothers you? You are running away. From ...?"
"Sirius." It was out before she could bite her tongue. It wasn't really Dareius' business, but he would not know him anyway …
"You can't run away from Sirius. He is like the Northern Star. He will always be there."
Claire looked at him suspiciously. Was this centaur-talk or was he making sense?
"No, he'll leave as soon as …"
"He can not leave the orbit he is bound to."
"I am sorry but we seem to talk of two different people." She shook her head and shivered involuntarily from the cold.
"He is most peculiar, our Sirius," said Dareius, not impressed by her protests. His golden eyes held her captive and his low voice seemed to speak right inside her mind now. "Did you know he is really two?"
"Two?" She sighed and gave in. Whatever he talked of, sooner or later he had to be done and maybe then he'd be so kind and show her the way out of the forest.
"Weakness and strength. They need each other, and together they are Sirius. The weakness is always overlooked, we only see the brilliant light of strength. But take away the weakness and the light will extinguish."
Claire studied his face. He seemed to be utterly serious and meaningful "The Sirius I am talking about, is strength only," she remarked softly.
"So this is what you are running away from? His strength?"
"I don't know. No. I run away from … the truth."
"And you want to be alone, without him?"
She hugged her knees and let her head sink in despair. "No," she whispered. "I don't want to be alone. I want him to come for me. I want him to come and rescue me. Pathetic, isn't it?"
"Sometimes we all want to be rescued." Dareius' gaze was warm and full of empathy.
"But he won't come. He probably has not even noticed I am gone."
"He is Sirius. He will come, he is a reliable one."
She shook her head.
The centaur nudged her softly with his thigh. When she followed his gaze, she saw a great black dog sitting under the trees, watching her out of dark eyes.
"I think he is already here."
Dareius gave a sound that was a soft bray and a laughter at the same time and smiled at her. "It was a pleasure to discuss the stars with you, Claire Winterstorm." Then he took off, gracefully and almost soundless, and disappeared in the forest.
Claire swallowed. The dog did not move. She remembered Sirius in his transformed appearance, but did not know whether he would understand her while he was a dog.
He took the decision out of her hands and changed back into a wizard in front of her eyes. But still he kept the distance, forced her to make the first step.
"Sirius." Suddenly her brain had turned into mush, and all she could think of was his name.
"It is six in the morning, Claire." Sirius' eyes bore into hers and the cold anger she saw in them made her tremble. "What are you doing here, all alone and without shoes."
"I lost the way," she said softly.
"The next time you decide to run away from me, you should do so by day."
"I did not ... run away." Of course she had, she thought. Of course she had tried to bring as much distance between her and this man as possible.
"Your house-elves accused me of making you cry." Sirius' voice was strained and betrayed only half of the fear that had filled his heart till he had taken up her trace in the forest.
"I don't want to talk about it now."
"Well, you'll have to." He held her wrist, careful not to hurt her but making it very clear he'd not let her get away without an answer. "You run from your own house, in the middle of the night, so distressed Coco accused me of abusing you …"
Claire gasped. "She did not!"
"Not with words, but with her eyes. You don't talk to me. You don't give me any opportunity to explain if there is anything to explain, or to do something you think I ought to do. And I shall not have that. Not again."
She held her head up high and held out her hand, palm open, presenting the thin silver chain.
"This."
He frowned and stared at the piece of jewellery. "But I freed the butterfly. I thought you'd like that."
Claire blushed. She had been so angry and hurt, she had not even looked close enough at the offending trinket to notice that it was one of the butterfly prisons they had seen at the fair. Somehow Sirius had managed to free the tiny prisoner without damaging the crystal.
She cleared her throat.
"I am not a whore, Sirius!"
His eyes widened and he stepped back. "Excuse me?"
"I may not know very much about magic or the world outside Hogsmeade, but I know one thing. You pay me for sex, that makes me a whore."
"I never paid …" He stared at her in disbelieve. "You are talking about the trinket?"
Claire blinked desperately to keep herself from crying. She still held the chain in her hand, had clenched her fingers so hard around it, the crystal cut into her palm.
Sirius rubbed his forehead in the desperate attempt to find the right words.
"It was a gift. Supposed to show you how much I valued what you give me."
"What I give you?" Her voice trembled.
He looked right through her, into a world only he could see, somewhere beyond the trees.
"The closeness. Physical contact. And … at least I thought so until this morning … trust."
Claire felt the blood rush up her face.
"I know quite well that I am the part that gains most in this relationship," he continued. "You tolerate my touch and I am thankful about that. Merlin knows, I would want it to be different, but I am not in a position to choose. I need you, Claire."
"But I … It is not that I just tolerate it when you … when we …"
"When we fuck?"
She winced. But then she had to admit that people who were not in love with each other couldn't possibly make love, could they? So he was probably right, and they fucked.
"Yes. I … enjoy it."
"You don't need to lie for my sake, Claire. You have never ever made a move to seduce me. It is always I who instigates it but for the very first time. I am sorry if I disappointed you, but I am not so noble to give you up. I wish I was, but I am not. All I learned in Azkaban was how to survive, and that is what I am going to do."
Claire cleared her throat. "I never made a move, "she said softly. "That is true."
"But you never denied me what I craved. And I can not thank you enough for that."
She had never seen him humble, and was not sure she wanted to see him now. Her anger had evaporated. A sweet ache filled her heart. Could it be that he was so stupid? Could it be that Serene was right and all wizards were blind and needed to be pushed into the right direction? But how was she supposed to tell him? Again her face turned red. She dared not to look at him, so she studied his muddy boots with much more interest than they deserved.
"I just can't, Sirius."
He frowned. "You can't … what?"
"I don't have the words to … to ask you … to tell you … Oh Morgaine, help me!" She shook her head. "All I could do was waiting until you wanted … what I had wanted all along."
Sirius cupped her chin and made her look at him. "You didn't know how to tell me you wanted to have sex with me?"
She winced and closed her eyes in embarrassment.
"But you wanted me?"
"I wanted you. I still … I still want you."
The tall wizard raked both hands through his dark hair. "Good. Good. We'll find a solution, I am sure." His eyes lit up and he took the chain with the crystal trinket from her hand. "Now that you know it is not payment but a gift, would you wear this?"
She nodded.
"Keep it inside you robes. But if you … need to tell me anything ... wear it so I can see it."
"A secret code?" She looked up at him with so much relief, he felt his throat tighten.
"A secret code. Nobody will know but the two of us."
"Agreed. But what will your sign be?"
Now he grinned and lifted her up until she was at kissing level. Whispering into her ear, he told her and laughed when she blushed even more.
Claire relished the kiss, answered it with all the passion born from relief and happiness. But when he didn't show any intention of setting her down, she beat with both fists against his chest until he complied.
Sitting her on the trunk, Sirius kneeled down and took a closer look at her ruined slippers and scratched shins. "I guess I'll have to carry you home."
"You are my bodyguard. Isn't that what bodyguards do?" she smirked. "Ygor carried me around a lot."
"Ygor was a troll. And you were a princess back then."
She pouted in mock annoyance. "And now I am no princess anymore?"
"Now you are Ms Black, who only gets carried by her husband in cases of emergency. Or when her shoes are completely ruined and he can't let her walk barefoot through the thorns and thistles."
Claire smiled at him indulgently and touched his thick dark hair with her fingertips. "Sirius, I really wish …"
"Ok, I'll carry you. I'll even call you Princess, if that is what you wish," he teased her.
"No. I wish we could have what Laurel and Severus have."
His smile fell and he stood up slowly. Hovering over her, he avoided her eyes and stared into the trees where Dareius had disappeared.
"What do they have?"
Claire swallowed. Suddenly she realised how thin the ice was she was dancing on. "I know this is just a marriage in name. And I agreed with it, I didn't want it any other way. Only now … when I see them … they look so happy. I never knew that marriage could be like that. And so I sometimes wish … wish we could have the same." She raised both hands to silence him. "Only for the time being. Not forever."
"Laurel and Snape are not married." Sirius' voice was strained with the desperate effort to keep his emotions under control. She did not know what she was talking about. She knew nothing about love, how defenceless it left you, how utter vulnerable. And she did not know how much he craved it, like an addict, with an almost physical hunger, and how he denied it to himself. Because he knew. Merlin, he knew ...
"They are not?"
He shook his head.
"Still, they are so happy."
"They both suffered a lot before they got where they are today." Sirius thought about Laurel's desperate flight to London, about the Potions master's dead eyes when he watched her leave. "But you are right, they have something special. Something precious."
"They care about each other. And I … care about you."
"Don't fall in love with me, Claire. Please don't fall in love with me," he whispered so softly she was not even sure if she had heard him right.
"It would not oblige you to anything, Sirius. Can't I just be in love with you until this marriage is over?"
"You can not turn love on and off like your quills, baby. So promise me you'll not fall in love with me."
She nestled her head in the crook of his shoulder and sighed when her cheek touched his bare skin. "I'll try," she murmured. "But I don't understand why you mind so much."
Sirius' face turned into a hard mask, his blue eyes suddenly empty and without any emotion. "Because everybody who loves me, dies on me," he whispered.
"Sirius …"
"No. It is true. Jamie, Lilly, my brothers, Mom. Their death is on my hands." His voice shook. "Lets go home. Lets go home and cherish what we have."
"What do we have?"
She sounded lost, hurt, and Sirius had to remind himself that it was better she ached a little now than a lot later. When he failed her ...
"Friendship. That's what we have. Passion. Trust. A mission." He lifted her up again, effortlessly and swift. "That's more than most people ever have, trust me."
* * *
"Sirius?" she asked before she fell asleep that evening.
"Hm?"
"Do you know this centaur? Dareius?"
"I don't think so. I have met a few centaurs, but not that one."
"But he seems to know you."
"What makes you think so?"
"He said you would never leave your way, and that there was one bright strong half of you and on …"
Sirius chuckled softly and raked his hand through her hair.
"He is a centaur, Claire!"
"So?"
"He was talking about my namesake. Sirius. The Dog Star."
"The Dog Star." She thought about it. "Of course. It is a double star, isn't it?"
"Mmh, as far as I know only the bright one is visible. But there is a small counterpart that keeps the whole thing moving."
"The strong half that can't exist without the weak part."
"Or something like that, yeah."
She remembered Dareius' voice in her head, so intensely. She had been so sure he was talking about the wizard, not the star.
"So Sirius is your namesake?"
He sighed. "My mother … she was a … She was a bit like Serene. Did divinations and horoscopes and stuff. She loved the stars, and so she named her children after them."
"Her … children?" He had never spoken about his brothers before and she could hardly tell him that she already knew of them from that newspaper clip about his father.
"My brothers. She called us Sirius, Regulus, Castor and Pollux." He turned on his back and drew her closer. "Reg would beat up anybody who dared to call him Regulus. And Castor was Cas, ever since I can remember. Only Pollux and I kept the name."
"Castor and Pollux. Are they twins?"
His hand ceased to stroke her hair. "They … Pollux is dead. He got killed a year before I was convicted to Azkaban. The Nottingham raid."
Claire remembered the horrible event. Death Eaters had raided a bar in Nottingham, where wizards and muggles mingled. The blood toll had reached twenty-five.
"He had a Muggle girlfriend. They both died that day."
Claire did not know what to say.
"I am sorry."
It came out awkwardly and she could not find the right words to convey her sadness that the little boy from the picture was dead.
"Reggie died a month later. But Cas is still alive." He sounded very distant as if he talked about strangers.
"He must have been happy when you escaped from Azkaban."
"I doubt that." Sirius exhaled slowly. "He was one of the Aurors who arrested me. He never had any doubt I was guilty. He told me so."
* * *
Claire muttered the few really bad words she knew and freed her ankle from the brambles again. The sneaking plants seemed to make fun of her, catching her feet and making her trip every second step. It was not dark anymore, but even in the grey light of dawn she was completely lost in the forest. By day the way was easy to find, but when she ran from the house it had been night. Though the moon was almost full, she had been blinded by angry tears. So she had not actually lost the way but rather never found it in the beginning. All she had done in the last hour - besides tripping and sobbing - was trying to find something that resembled a path that would take her to Hogwarts or at least back into Hogsmeade.
Eventually she sat down on a fallen trunk in a clearing and had a good look at the twisted ankle. It had not been a good idea to run away in slippers and night-shirt. Right now she'd have given half of the Winterstorm fortune for a pair of boots and a cloak. Or a map …
A noise in the underbrush startled her. There were things in the Forbidden Forrest, creatures and animals, and she was not sure how dangerous they really were. After all her parents had told her the world was awfully dangerous and it had turned out rather friendly. On the other hand, even Sirius had warned her to not walk alone through the forest …
Sirius. She blinked. She would not start weeping again like a lost child. She was a grown woman, she was respected in the business world, her store managers feared her scrutiny and intelligence. So why should she cry over something as stupid as this damned piece of jewellery she had found under her pillow?
She remembered waking up in the middle of the night, feeling secure and warm in Sirius' arms. She remembered the steady rhythm of his hearbeat. And how her hand, burried under the pillow, had suddenly found something cold, something that felt like a thin chain. Carefully she slipped out of Sirius' embrace and angled the thing from under the pillow to study it by the moonlight that fell through the high window. Her heart sunk when she saw that it was indeed a thin silver chain, beautifully fashioned with a crystal trinket as small as her thumb nail. He had done it again.
Tears welled up and she clenched her fingers around the chain. Gazing at Sirius sleeping, she tried to calm down. He had left things under her pillow all week long. A book. A small box with chocolate truffles. Whenever they shared a bed she found something the next morning, and every time it made her more miserable. Payment. He payed her. As faithfully as her best business partners. What she had intented to be a gift, was obviously worth something. A soft sob escaped, leaving her confused and again embarrassed about how little she knew about relationships.
Her mother had never mentioned her father giving her gifts whenever they did … that. Claire blushed. She could not belive her parents had ever behaved like Sirius and she did almost every other night. And still, they had to, at least once, or she would not exist. But she was almost sure her father had never paid her mother for that.
Silently she searched for her slippers and left the bedroom. Her office was calm and by the moonlight she saw the archive trunk in the corner. Kneeling in front of it, she softly knocked at the lid. The trunk opened.
Claire cleared her throat. Information. She needed information. In the morning she'd go and ask Laurel for advice. There was no way she'd talk to Sirius about it, the humiliation would probably kill her. And the subject wasn't really something she'd want Minerva to lecture her about. But Laurel was almost her age, and she was happily married, and if payment amongst husband and wife was common, she'd know.
But until then, the trunk would do.
"Sex. Payment. Tariff. Conditions."
The trunk spit out a dozen papers, and what she read was enough to let Claire sneak out of the house in only her slippers and night-shirt and run towards Hogwarts.
And now she was lost, and cold and scared. She pushed the memory to the back of her mind. The most important thing was to get out of the forest, and then she'd deal with her husband.
The noise in the bushes made her heart beat faster. Something broke through the bushes, and she had to clamp a hand over her mouth to not cry out in fear.
The creature was half horse, light brown and graceful, half man, with curly brown hair and beard. Claire had seen pictures of centaurs but had thought them extinct. The stories she'd read about them were not all friendly. Supposedly they were arrogant, rather aggressive when annoyed and very protective of their territory. But this centaur had warm eyes, almost golden, and did not look as if he'd … whatever it was centaurs did to their enemies.
"Good morning," he said in a low soulful voice, as if he just met her on the main street in Hogwarts.
"Good morning." Claire replied politely. She was still not sure how to behave. Would he want to be addressed like a person, or sooner petted and groomed?
The centaur stepped closer and crossed this arms over his chest. "What are you looking for?"
"Nothing. I am …" She sighed. No use to pretend to just have taken a walk. "No, indeed, I am looking for the way out of the forest."
The centaur flung back his head and stared at the sky beyond the treetops. "The stars will tell us the way."
"I beg your pardon?" Claire remembered that centaurs were very fond of astrology. But the last thing she needed now was some obscure stargazing.
"The northern star." He pointed out a significant star low on the western firmament. "It is always there, and will tell you where you are and where you want to go."
"Oh. I'll remember that." She looked up at the star and tried to memorise its position. "But right now, could you show me the way out?"
He raised his eyebrows. "What is your name, woman? Why would anybody want to enter the Forbidden Forrest without an idea where to go?"
"I am Claire Winterstorm." She blushed a little, annoyed that he obviously thought she was out of her mind or just plain stupid.
"My name is Dareius," the centaur bowed his head, and again Claire fought the urge to pat it. "Your ankle is hurt."
"It is only twisted." She looked down at her feet. The hem of her night- shirt was muddy and so were her legs since she had accidentally stepped into a mud puddle.
"So you cried not because you are injured," Dareius observed.
"How do you know I …"
"The stars told me." Then he smirked and his eyes sparkled. "No, I heard you weep for quite a while. I have been following you since you stumbled over that rock an hour ago."
Claire brushed wet hair strands out of her face. "You could have helped me before."
The centaur shrugged, a gesture that looked more than strange since he had two sets of shoulders, one on the animal part and one on the human part of his body. "I am offering my help now. Why did you cry?"
She sighed. "I was … angry."
"Aha." He stared unblinkingly at her.
"I am not really good at arguments, and I needed to get away before it started."
"Aha."
"Is that all you are going to say?"
"If you don't tell me what really bothers you? You are running away. From ...?"
"Sirius." It was out before she could bite her tongue. It wasn't really Dareius' business, but he would not know him anyway …
"You can't run away from Sirius. He is like the Northern Star. He will always be there."
Claire looked at him suspiciously. Was this centaur-talk or was he making sense?
"No, he'll leave as soon as …"
"He can not leave the orbit he is bound to."
"I am sorry but we seem to talk of two different people." She shook her head and shivered involuntarily from the cold.
"He is most peculiar, our Sirius," said Dareius, not impressed by her protests. His golden eyes held her captive and his low voice seemed to speak right inside her mind now. "Did you know he is really two?"
"Two?" She sighed and gave in. Whatever he talked of, sooner or later he had to be done and maybe then he'd be so kind and show her the way out of the forest.
"Weakness and strength. They need each other, and together they are Sirius. The weakness is always overlooked, we only see the brilliant light of strength. But take away the weakness and the light will extinguish."
Claire studied his face. He seemed to be utterly serious and meaningful "The Sirius I am talking about, is strength only," she remarked softly.
"So this is what you are running away from? His strength?"
"I don't know. No. I run away from … the truth."
"And you want to be alone, without him?"
She hugged her knees and let her head sink in despair. "No," she whispered. "I don't want to be alone. I want him to come for me. I want him to come and rescue me. Pathetic, isn't it?"
"Sometimes we all want to be rescued." Dareius' gaze was warm and full of empathy.
"But he won't come. He probably has not even noticed I am gone."
"He is Sirius. He will come, he is a reliable one."
She shook her head.
The centaur nudged her softly with his thigh. When she followed his gaze, she saw a great black dog sitting under the trees, watching her out of dark eyes.
"I think he is already here."
Dareius gave a sound that was a soft bray and a laughter at the same time and smiled at her. "It was a pleasure to discuss the stars with you, Claire Winterstorm." Then he took off, gracefully and almost soundless, and disappeared in the forest.
Claire swallowed. The dog did not move. She remembered Sirius in his transformed appearance, but did not know whether he would understand her while he was a dog.
He took the decision out of her hands and changed back into a wizard in front of her eyes. But still he kept the distance, forced her to make the first step.
"Sirius." Suddenly her brain had turned into mush, and all she could think of was his name.
"It is six in the morning, Claire." Sirius' eyes bore into hers and the cold anger she saw in them made her tremble. "What are you doing here, all alone and without shoes."
"I lost the way," she said softly.
"The next time you decide to run away from me, you should do so by day."
"I did not ... run away." Of course she had, she thought. Of course she had tried to bring as much distance between her and this man as possible.
"Your house-elves accused me of making you cry." Sirius' voice was strained and betrayed only half of the fear that had filled his heart till he had taken up her trace in the forest.
"I don't want to talk about it now."
"Well, you'll have to." He held her wrist, careful not to hurt her but making it very clear he'd not let her get away without an answer. "You run from your own house, in the middle of the night, so distressed Coco accused me of abusing you …"
Claire gasped. "She did not!"
"Not with words, but with her eyes. You don't talk to me. You don't give me any opportunity to explain if there is anything to explain, or to do something you think I ought to do. And I shall not have that. Not again."
She held her head up high and held out her hand, palm open, presenting the thin silver chain.
"This."
He frowned and stared at the piece of jewellery. "But I freed the butterfly. I thought you'd like that."
Claire blushed. She had been so angry and hurt, she had not even looked close enough at the offending trinket to notice that it was one of the butterfly prisons they had seen at the fair. Somehow Sirius had managed to free the tiny prisoner without damaging the crystal.
She cleared her throat.
"I am not a whore, Sirius!"
His eyes widened and he stepped back. "Excuse me?"
"I may not know very much about magic or the world outside Hogsmeade, but I know one thing. You pay me for sex, that makes me a whore."
"I never paid …" He stared at her in disbelieve. "You are talking about the trinket?"
Claire blinked desperately to keep herself from crying. She still held the chain in her hand, had clenched her fingers so hard around it, the crystal cut into her palm.
Sirius rubbed his forehead in the desperate attempt to find the right words.
"It was a gift. Supposed to show you how much I valued what you give me."
"What I give you?" Her voice trembled.
He looked right through her, into a world only he could see, somewhere beyond the trees.
"The closeness. Physical contact. And … at least I thought so until this morning … trust."
Claire felt the blood rush up her face.
"I know quite well that I am the part that gains most in this relationship," he continued. "You tolerate my touch and I am thankful about that. Merlin knows, I would want it to be different, but I am not in a position to choose. I need you, Claire."
"But I … It is not that I just tolerate it when you … when we …"
"When we fuck?"
She winced. But then she had to admit that people who were not in love with each other couldn't possibly make love, could they? So he was probably right, and they fucked.
"Yes. I … enjoy it."
"You don't need to lie for my sake, Claire. You have never ever made a move to seduce me. It is always I who instigates it but for the very first time. I am sorry if I disappointed you, but I am not so noble to give you up. I wish I was, but I am not. All I learned in Azkaban was how to survive, and that is what I am going to do."
Claire cleared her throat. "I never made a move, "she said softly. "That is true."
"But you never denied me what I craved. And I can not thank you enough for that."
She had never seen him humble, and was not sure she wanted to see him now. Her anger had evaporated. A sweet ache filled her heart. Could it be that he was so stupid? Could it be that Serene was right and all wizards were blind and needed to be pushed into the right direction? But how was she supposed to tell him? Again her face turned red. She dared not to look at him, so she studied his muddy boots with much more interest than they deserved.
"I just can't, Sirius."
He frowned. "You can't … what?"
"I don't have the words to … to ask you … to tell you … Oh Morgaine, help me!" She shook her head. "All I could do was waiting until you wanted … what I had wanted all along."
Sirius cupped her chin and made her look at him. "You didn't know how to tell me you wanted to have sex with me?"
She winced and closed her eyes in embarrassment.
"But you wanted me?"
"I wanted you. I still … I still want you."
The tall wizard raked both hands through his dark hair. "Good. Good. We'll find a solution, I am sure." His eyes lit up and he took the chain with the crystal trinket from her hand. "Now that you know it is not payment but a gift, would you wear this?"
She nodded.
"Keep it inside you robes. But if you … need to tell me anything ... wear it so I can see it."
"A secret code?" She looked up at him with so much relief, he felt his throat tighten.
"A secret code. Nobody will know but the two of us."
"Agreed. But what will your sign be?"
Now he grinned and lifted her up until she was at kissing level. Whispering into her ear, he told her and laughed when she blushed even more.
Claire relished the kiss, answered it with all the passion born from relief and happiness. But when he didn't show any intention of setting her down, she beat with both fists against his chest until he complied.
Sitting her on the trunk, Sirius kneeled down and took a closer look at her ruined slippers and scratched shins. "I guess I'll have to carry you home."
"You are my bodyguard. Isn't that what bodyguards do?" she smirked. "Ygor carried me around a lot."
"Ygor was a troll. And you were a princess back then."
She pouted in mock annoyance. "And now I am no princess anymore?"
"Now you are Ms Black, who only gets carried by her husband in cases of emergency. Or when her shoes are completely ruined and he can't let her walk barefoot through the thorns and thistles."
Claire smiled at him indulgently and touched his thick dark hair with her fingertips. "Sirius, I really wish …"
"Ok, I'll carry you. I'll even call you Princess, if that is what you wish," he teased her.
"No. I wish we could have what Laurel and Severus have."
His smile fell and he stood up slowly. Hovering over her, he avoided her eyes and stared into the trees where Dareius had disappeared.
"What do they have?"
Claire swallowed. Suddenly she realised how thin the ice was she was dancing on. "I know this is just a marriage in name. And I agreed with it, I didn't want it any other way. Only now … when I see them … they look so happy. I never knew that marriage could be like that. And so I sometimes wish … wish we could have the same." She raised both hands to silence him. "Only for the time being. Not forever."
"Laurel and Snape are not married." Sirius' voice was strained with the desperate effort to keep his emotions under control. She did not know what she was talking about. She knew nothing about love, how defenceless it left you, how utter vulnerable. And she did not know how much he craved it, like an addict, with an almost physical hunger, and how he denied it to himself. Because he knew. Merlin, he knew ...
"They are not?"
He shook his head.
"Still, they are so happy."
"They both suffered a lot before they got where they are today." Sirius thought about Laurel's desperate flight to London, about the Potions master's dead eyes when he watched her leave. "But you are right, they have something special. Something precious."
"They care about each other. And I … care about you."
"Don't fall in love with me, Claire. Please don't fall in love with me," he whispered so softly she was not even sure if she had heard him right.
"It would not oblige you to anything, Sirius. Can't I just be in love with you until this marriage is over?"
"You can not turn love on and off like your quills, baby. So promise me you'll not fall in love with me."
She nestled her head in the crook of his shoulder and sighed when her cheek touched his bare skin. "I'll try," she murmured. "But I don't understand why you mind so much."
Sirius' face turned into a hard mask, his blue eyes suddenly empty and without any emotion. "Because everybody who loves me, dies on me," he whispered.
"Sirius …"
"No. It is true. Jamie, Lilly, my brothers, Mom. Their death is on my hands." His voice shook. "Lets go home. Lets go home and cherish what we have."
"What do we have?"
She sounded lost, hurt, and Sirius had to remind himself that it was better she ached a little now than a lot later. When he failed her ...
"Friendship. That's what we have. Passion. Trust. A mission." He lifted her up again, effortlessly and swift. "That's more than most people ever have, trust me."
* * *
"Sirius?" she asked before she fell asleep that evening.
"Hm?"
"Do you know this centaur? Dareius?"
"I don't think so. I have met a few centaurs, but not that one."
"But he seems to know you."
"What makes you think so?"
"He said you would never leave your way, and that there was one bright strong half of you and on …"
Sirius chuckled softly and raked his hand through her hair.
"He is a centaur, Claire!"
"So?"
"He was talking about my namesake. Sirius. The Dog Star."
"The Dog Star." She thought about it. "Of course. It is a double star, isn't it?"
"Mmh, as far as I know only the bright one is visible. But there is a small counterpart that keeps the whole thing moving."
"The strong half that can't exist without the weak part."
"Or something like that, yeah."
She remembered Dareius' voice in her head, so intensely. She had been so sure he was talking about the wizard, not the star.
"So Sirius is your namesake?"
He sighed. "My mother … she was a … She was a bit like Serene. Did divinations and horoscopes and stuff. She loved the stars, and so she named her children after them."
"Her … children?" He had never spoken about his brothers before and she could hardly tell him that she already knew of them from that newspaper clip about his father.
"My brothers. She called us Sirius, Regulus, Castor and Pollux." He turned on his back and drew her closer. "Reg would beat up anybody who dared to call him Regulus. And Castor was Cas, ever since I can remember. Only Pollux and I kept the name."
"Castor and Pollux. Are they twins?"
His hand ceased to stroke her hair. "They … Pollux is dead. He got killed a year before I was convicted to Azkaban. The Nottingham raid."
Claire remembered the horrible event. Death Eaters had raided a bar in Nottingham, where wizards and muggles mingled. The blood toll had reached twenty-five.
"He had a Muggle girlfriend. They both died that day."
Claire did not know what to say.
"I am sorry."
It came out awkwardly and she could not find the right words to convey her sadness that the little boy from the picture was dead.
"Reggie died a month later. But Cas is still alive." He sounded very distant as if he talked about strangers.
"He must have been happy when you escaped from Azkaban."
"I doubt that." Sirius exhaled slowly. "He was one of the Aurors who arrested me. He never had any doubt I was guilty. He told me so."
* * *