Title: Romance and Mysteries
Authors: Hoedogg, Hans the bold, Ishafel
Authors' Note: As you can see, this fic is the work of many people. It's a running story where each person posts part of it and leaves it unfinished so that the next person can play along. The story is currently being worked on at televisionwithoutpity.com, so feel free to come on over and add your own piece.
Disclaimer: We don't own the characters or anything else (Brenda Hampton, et al do), but if we did, things might be better…
*********
Chapter 8 by Hoedogg, Hans the bold, Ishafel,
***San Diego***
Rabbi Glass was on a break at his convention in San Diego when he heard the disturbing voicemail message: his daughter was in critical condition at a hospital in Glenoak. He had left the convention and raced to her bedside as quickly as he could. Thank goodness they had stabilized her, and despite the painkillers she had been able to tell him who did this to her.
That son-of-a-bitch! First his sorry Christian ass had secretly married his Jewish daughter. Now, in a fit of vengeance over their estrangement, he had done this to her. It was unspeakable. And it was time for him to pay.
Rabbi Glass called his friend in the super-secret-deep-underground Jewish Mafia, and put out a price on Matt Camden's head.
****Buffalo*****
Colonel "Rambo No-Nonsense" Camden set down his camouflage colored satellite cell phone and frowned. Well, he always wore a frown, since he was, after all, Colonel "Rambo No-Nonsense" Camden, but now his frown deepened.
Trouble. He knew it.
There was always trouble, back there in California. It was all those damn tree-hugging gun control faggot freak liberals. He had hoped that his son would have straightened things out by now, but it was obvious after all these years that Eric was just too big a damn wussy to pull it off. He couldn't control women, for one thing, and now things had gotten completely out of hand. And his grandson, the damn faggot wimp, had gone and married one of those non-Christian people he kept hearing about, whoever they were.
He, Colonel RNN Camden, would just have to take care of things himself.
He stood, and a little martial music played. It was his chair; some years ago he had had a friend install a little pressure sensitive solid state music box in the seat, so that everyone knew when he, the Colonel, stood up. That way they would all stand up too, and salute.
Ruth, his obedient wife, scurried into the room and curtsied, her gaze low as befitted her station as a mere woman. Colonel RNN Camden smoothed his GI Joe issue kevlar vest and pulled out a cigar from the humidifier on the table beside him.
"I'm going to be late for dinner," he announced. "Keep it warm, and wear something sexy for a damn change. You look like a grandmother."
"I am a grandmother, Sir," Ruth intoned submissively.
Colonel RNN Camden bit off the end of his cigar and spit it on the carpeted floor. "That doesn't let you off the hook, woman. I want dinner and a damn fine family values wifely sexing when I get back."
"Yes, Sir," she said, leaning over to pick up the cigar tip. "Where are you going?"
Colonel RNN Camden grinned as he chewed at his unlit cigar. He patted the pearl handled revolvers he wore at his sides.
"I'm goin' to war, woman. I'm going to kill me some liberal, commie, flag burnin', faggot, condom using, hippie, umm...."
"Ass?" Ruth suggested.
"Yeah. That's it. Now, am I wearing pants?"
"Of course you are, dear."
"Good."
His bare, flabby buttocks flopping in the cool Buffalo breeze, Colonel RNN Camden strode out to meet his destiny.
****Glenoak****
Morris' first class after lunch was gym. Normally it was his favorite time of the day, one of the few times he and Simon could be together. Today, with Simon absent and in trouble, he couldn't bear to go. Instead he carefully snuck out of school, heart racing as he thought of the probable punishment he would recieve for skipping class--a crime on par with saying "Shit" in Glenoak. He drove to Simon's house, intending to wait until Simon turned up.
But there was a car already in the driveway of the CamPound, a car with rental tags. Morris wondered who it could be. Parking his Jeep behind it, he thought longingly of how nice it would be to be able to drive away, Simon beside him, the top down and the wind ruffling their hair. He and Simon could drive across the country, perhaps, go to school somewhere Back East. Morris was already being recruited by soccer coaches at the University of Vermont. He could just take Simon along for the ride...
With a sigh he got out of the car and walked around to the back of the house to see if Simon's light was on. He stopped, shocked. Two men were sitting on the Camdens back porch, staring vacantly into space. They resembled each other so strongly that it was clear they must be brothers.
"Who are you?" he asked, shocked into rudeness.
The taller of the two men laughed. "Sheriff Rudy, NYPD," he answered. "This is my brother Ben. He's a firefighter. I suppose you're a Camden? Which one are you?"
"I'm just a friend," Morris replied softly. There was something odd going on. He felt suddenly nervous. After a moment, he realized what was bothering him. From somewhere nearby he could hear a dog barking. It seemed to be coming from the garage and not the house, though. "Is that Happy?" he wondered out loud.
"Is who Happy?" Sheriff Rudy asked with a dimwitted grin. "I'm happy I'm a police officer, but I work at the airport. They don't trust me to patrol unsupervised because I'm sooo handsome and sexy I might get into trouble. And I'm happy I met this beautiful girl, Lucy, too."
Morris had had enough. "I'm going to see if the dog's in the garage," he said, backing away. The Brothers Dim followed him as he opened the garage door. Immediately the barking sounded much louder. It's coming from overhead, he realized. He climbed the stairs to garage treehouse apartment. Simon had showed it him once, months ago. Personally he thought it was a dump, but Simon's mom seemed unduly proud of it. Prouder than she was of her kids anyway.
As soon as he opened the trapdoor, Happy came bounding over to meet him, barking ecstatically. Something was splattered all over the little dog. Praying that it wasn't Simon's, Morris rapidly scanned the apartment. He didn't recognize the man sprawled in the corner--but then, most of his face was gone. Only the end of his tie, dark blue and studded with gigantic fake diamonds, remained undamaged. Behind him, one of the shoddy plywood walls had been ripped away. Morris could see that the hollow space was filled with boxes. Boxes of electronic equipment--DVD players, computer components, stereos. Boxes filled with packets of a mysterious white powder. Boxes filled with guns and ammunition. And somehow the most shocking of all were the boxes filled with poorly made wooden crosses stamped "Made in Taiwan." Now he knew how the Reverend supported his numerous offspring and the Church of Jesus Christ and the Latter Day Camdens.
Gathering Happy into his arms he slammed the trapdoor shut. "Nothing to see here," he calmly told the startled Brothers Dim. But inwardly his mind was racing. He had to make sure Simon was clear before he reported this!
Authors: Hoedogg, Hans the bold, Ishafel
Authors' Note: As you can see, this fic is the work of many people. It's a running story where each person posts part of it and leaves it unfinished so that the next person can play along. The story is currently being worked on at televisionwithoutpity.com, so feel free to come on over and add your own piece.
Disclaimer: We don't own the characters or anything else (Brenda Hampton, et al do), but if we did, things might be better…
*********
Chapter 8 by Hoedogg, Hans the bold, Ishafel,
***San Diego***
Rabbi Glass was on a break at his convention in San Diego when he heard the disturbing voicemail message: his daughter was in critical condition at a hospital in Glenoak. He had left the convention and raced to her bedside as quickly as he could. Thank goodness they had stabilized her, and despite the painkillers she had been able to tell him who did this to her.
That son-of-a-bitch! First his sorry Christian ass had secretly married his Jewish daughter. Now, in a fit of vengeance over their estrangement, he had done this to her. It was unspeakable. And it was time for him to pay.
Rabbi Glass called his friend in the super-secret-deep-underground Jewish Mafia, and put out a price on Matt Camden's head.
****Buffalo*****
Colonel "Rambo No-Nonsense" Camden set down his camouflage colored satellite cell phone and frowned. Well, he always wore a frown, since he was, after all, Colonel "Rambo No-Nonsense" Camden, but now his frown deepened.
Trouble. He knew it.
There was always trouble, back there in California. It was all those damn tree-hugging gun control faggot freak liberals. He had hoped that his son would have straightened things out by now, but it was obvious after all these years that Eric was just too big a damn wussy to pull it off. He couldn't control women, for one thing, and now things had gotten completely out of hand. And his grandson, the damn faggot wimp, had gone and married one of those non-Christian people he kept hearing about, whoever they were.
He, Colonel RNN Camden, would just have to take care of things himself.
He stood, and a little martial music played. It was his chair; some years ago he had had a friend install a little pressure sensitive solid state music box in the seat, so that everyone knew when he, the Colonel, stood up. That way they would all stand up too, and salute.
Ruth, his obedient wife, scurried into the room and curtsied, her gaze low as befitted her station as a mere woman. Colonel RNN Camden smoothed his GI Joe issue kevlar vest and pulled out a cigar from the humidifier on the table beside him.
"I'm going to be late for dinner," he announced. "Keep it warm, and wear something sexy for a damn change. You look like a grandmother."
"I am a grandmother, Sir," Ruth intoned submissively.
Colonel RNN Camden bit off the end of his cigar and spit it on the carpeted floor. "That doesn't let you off the hook, woman. I want dinner and a damn fine family values wifely sexing when I get back."
"Yes, Sir," she said, leaning over to pick up the cigar tip. "Where are you going?"
Colonel RNN Camden grinned as he chewed at his unlit cigar. He patted the pearl handled revolvers he wore at his sides.
"I'm goin' to war, woman. I'm going to kill me some liberal, commie, flag burnin', faggot, condom using, hippie, umm...."
"Ass?" Ruth suggested.
"Yeah. That's it. Now, am I wearing pants?"
"Of course you are, dear."
"Good."
His bare, flabby buttocks flopping in the cool Buffalo breeze, Colonel RNN Camden strode out to meet his destiny.
****Glenoak****
Morris' first class after lunch was gym. Normally it was his favorite time of the day, one of the few times he and Simon could be together. Today, with Simon absent and in trouble, he couldn't bear to go. Instead he carefully snuck out of school, heart racing as he thought of the probable punishment he would recieve for skipping class--a crime on par with saying "Shit" in Glenoak. He drove to Simon's house, intending to wait until Simon turned up.
But there was a car already in the driveway of the CamPound, a car with rental tags. Morris wondered who it could be. Parking his Jeep behind it, he thought longingly of how nice it would be to be able to drive away, Simon beside him, the top down and the wind ruffling their hair. He and Simon could drive across the country, perhaps, go to school somewhere Back East. Morris was already being recruited by soccer coaches at the University of Vermont. He could just take Simon along for the ride...
With a sigh he got out of the car and walked around to the back of the house to see if Simon's light was on. He stopped, shocked. Two men were sitting on the Camdens back porch, staring vacantly into space. They resembled each other so strongly that it was clear they must be brothers.
"Who are you?" he asked, shocked into rudeness.
The taller of the two men laughed. "Sheriff Rudy, NYPD," he answered. "This is my brother Ben. He's a firefighter. I suppose you're a Camden? Which one are you?"
"I'm just a friend," Morris replied softly. There was something odd going on. He felt suddenly nervous. After a moment, he realized what was bothering him. From somewhere nearby he could hear a dog barking. It seemed to be coming from the garage and not the house, though. "Is that Happy?" he wondered out loud.
"Is who Happy?" Sheriff Rudy asked with a dimwitted grin. "I'm happy I'm a police officer, but I work at the airport. They don't trust me to patrol unsupervised because I'm sooo handsome and sexy I might get into trouble. And I'm happy I met this beautiful girl, Lucy, too."
Morris had had enough. "I'm going to see if the dog's in the garage," he said, backing away. The Brothers Dim followed him as he opened the garage door. Immediately the barking sounded much louder. It's coming from overhead, he realized. He climbed the stairs to garage treehouse apartment. Simon had showed it him once, months ago. Personally he thought it was a dump, but Simon's mom seemed unduly proud of it. Prouder than she was of her kids anyway.
As soon as he opened the trapdoor, Happy came bounding over to meet him, barking ecstatically. Something was splattered all over the little dog. Praying that it wasn't Simon's, Morris rapidly scanned the apartment. He didn't recognize the man sprawled in the corner--but then, most of his face was gone. Only the end of his tie, dark blue and studded with gigantic fake diamonds, remained undamaged. Behind him, one of the shoddy plywood walls had been ripped away. Morris could see that the hollow space was filled with boxes. Boxes of electronic equipment--DVD players, computer components, stereos. Boxes filled with packets of a mysterious white powder. Boxes filled with guns and ammunition. And somehow the most shocking of all were the boxes filled with poorly made wooden crosses stamped "Made in Taiwan." Now he knew how the Reverend supported his numerous offspring and the Church of Jesus Christ and the Latter Day Camdens.
Gathering Happy into his arms he slammed the trapdoor shut. "Nothing to see here," he calmly told the startled Brothers Dim. But inwardly his mind was racing. He had to make sure Simon was clear before he reported this!