Beep Beep Beep! Buffy awoke to the most annoying sound; it pierced her ears
with its screeches. She tried to open her eyes but her eyelids felt like
they were 100 pounds; she rubbed her eyes forcing them to unlock. Her hazel
eyes slowly adjusted to the sunlight that seeped through her bedroom. The
sound wouldn't stop and Buffy tried to determine what the cause of the
racket was. She turned on her left side and faced the flashing alarm clock.
The little neon lights read 7:30 AM, time to get up and face the world. The
last thing on her mind was getting out of bed. Buffy lifted herself of the
comfortable spot and stretched her limbs. Pain coursed through her body,
she was so stiff in too many places.
The previous night she encountered a large scaly demon that put up quite a fight. Buffy cracked a few bones and let out a final yawn. She made her way to the bathroom and rubbed her aching head. She stared at the stranger in the tiny bathroom mirror. She hadn't recognized herself at first. Big black circles made themselves at home under her eyes and she noticed bags were making their presence known too. She extended her tiny hands and touched her now coarse skin, her lips were chapped too.
Buffy was disgusted at what she saw; it wasn't her she was seeing. It was some sort of
illusion, she kept saying to herself. She always prided herself fin her looks but lately she hadn't given a damn about makeup or creams. Buffy changed out of her pyjamas into a pair of sweats and a tank top and made her way downstairs to get Dawn off to school.
She could hear Dawn on the phone yapping away. Teenagers, Buffy thought. She walked into the kitchen and saw her sister sitting around the table talking on the phone and eating cereal.
"Morning," Buffy said.
Dawn smiled to acknowledge her.
"Oh my god, he asked her out as a joke?" Dawn started to giggle. "That's so dry."
"Dawnie, it's like almost 8:00 and you have school today," Buffy hinted.
"Buffy, it's Saturday," Dawn looked at her with a questioning look.
"It is?"
"Yep, and by the way I'm going over to Kaylee's house today, her dad's taking us fishing."
"Yeah, that's great," Buffy said trying to sound enthusiastic. "Have fun but don't be late."
"Alright, he'll be here in like 10 minutes to pick me up so I better get dressed."
With that Dawn left Buffy standing in the middle of the kitchen all by herself.
The only good thing about Saturdays was that it was her only day off work. She was going to have a hamburger free day. Buffy put on a pot of coffee and turned on the small radio in the kitchen. Buffy found herself sitting on a stool and staring off into space. She waited for her coffee to make and then took the steaming mug and let the hot liquid burn her tongue. The radio sang a song that perfectly fit her life these past few weeks.
**
See Baby I apologize
For all the things
That I've done, that I've done
See I know that I've been a fool
For far too long
Baby you don't have to
Go and run away
Just come back to me
Please baby, baby won't you stay
If you really love me
Then why are you leavin' me?**
Everything was so routine without him in her life, so empty. No matter how hard she denied she missed him so much. She missed the games they played, the way he made butterflies appear in her stomach, the way he kissed her, the way he felt inside her.
Her whole world was crumbling and the only person that could save her was the person she couldn't let herself love. Maybe it was her fault he wasn't around anymore, she pushed him away. She hadn't seen him for almost a month and everyday had become harder and harder. Stop being so weak, she told herself. Was it possible she loved him?
How can you cry so much for someone you don't love…? You can't love him after what he did to you, that nuisance of a voice was whispering in her head. What about what you did to him? Buffy's heart was being torn into two, the part that wants Spike and the part that despises him.
**
I can't think
Think about this crazy day
I lose sleep
Just to daydream about you baby
I'm goin' crazy, crazy, crazy
Just thinkin' about you lately
I'm goin' crazy, crazy, crazy
Just thinkin' about you baby
I'm goin' crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy
Thinkin' about you lately**
She was going crazy, her mind was so mixed up. How had she broken down like this?
The realization that her life was truly pathetic sunk in harder than any stone. She got off the stool and sunk down the side of the kitchen counter until she was huddled together.
Tears began to stream down her delicate face. Her body ached all over but her heart experienced stronger pain. She hadn't felt so miserable since her mother's death.
Buffy was wondering what her mom thought of the mighty slayer now. She couldn't hold it in any longer and let sobs escape her lips. She wished her mom was with her, she'd know what to say to make Buffy feel better.
She wasn't used to feeling so helpless and alone, what had happened to her life?
How did she go from being on top of the world to bawling on the cold tile floor?
"Bye Buffy," Dawn shouted as Buffy heard the front door slam.
After a good fifteen minutes spent crying Buffy got off the floor and tried to calm herself down. She went into the front hall and reached in her jacket. She pulled out a half empty pack of cigarettes and a neon green lighter. She retrieved a cigarette and lit it with shaking hands. For the past few weeks she'd been smoking to help keep her calm.
She always hated smoking but lately it seemed like he most enjoyable part of her life. She inhaled the deadly fumes and let them scar her lungs. For Buffy dieing was not a fear, it was an escape. The only thing that kept her going was Dawn. If it wasn't for Dawn she wasn't sure where she would be right now.
Buffy opened the front door and stared at the empty street. It was too early to be awake on a Saturday morning therefore Revello Drive was silent. Buffy sat down on the steps of the porch and enjoyed the silence morning brought. She took another drag of the cigarette and her thoughts traveled back to Spike. She loved to watch him smoke; she'd never admit it though. She liked the way the smoke escaped his ice cold lips to form a single pattern. Stop thinking about him, the voice reappeared. She couldn't help it; everywhere she looked there was a reminder of him. The tree which he always stood under smoking,
the driveway where his car has been parked many times, and the grass on which they…
Bad thoughts Buffy bad thoughts! Buffy didn't know how she was going to pull through it all, and this time he wasn't there to be by her side. It was her fault too, all her fault. It was because of her that she wasn't with him right now; because of herself she wasn't happy, he was right she was afraid to admit it. You always hurt the pople you love, she could hear his voice inside her head. My god, I love him, Buffy thought.
The realization hit her, she did love him. She didn't want to but yet she loved him.
I love Spike, she thought. Could this day get any worse?
******* TBC! She admitted it yeye, I have plenty in store for you********
The previous night she encountered a large scaly demon that put up quite a fight. Buffy cracked a few bones and let out a final yawn. She made her way to the bathroom and rubbed her aching head. She stared at the stranger in the tiny bathroom mirror. She hadn't recognized herself at first. Big black circles made themselves at home under her eyes and she noticed bags were making their presence known too. She extended her tiny hands and touched her now coarse skin, her lips were chapped too.
Buffy was disgusted at what she saw; it wasn't her she was seeing. It was some sort of
illusion, she kept saying to herself. She always prided herself fin her looks but lately she hadn't given a damn about makeup or creams. Buffy changed out of her pyjamas into a pair of sweats and a tank top and made her way downstairs to get Dawn off to school.
She could hear Dawn on the phone yapping away. Teenagers, Buffy thought. She walked into the kitchen and saw her sister sitting around the table talking on the phone and eating cereal.
"Morning," Buffy said.
Dawn smiled to acknowledge her.
"Oh my god, he asked her out as a joke?" Dawn started to giggle. "That's so dry."
"Dawnie, it's like almost 8:00 and you have school today," Buffy hinted.
"Buffy, it's Saturday," Dawn looked at her with a questioning look.
"It is?"
"Yep, and by the way I'm going over to Kaylee's house today, her dad's taking us fishing."
"Yeah, that's great," Buffy said trying to sound enthusiastic. "Have fun but don't be late."
"Alright, he'll be here in like 10 minutes to pick me up so I better get dressed."
With that Dawn left Buffy standing in the middle of the kitchen all by herself.
The only good thing about Saturdays was that it was her only day off work. She was going to have a hamburger free day. Buffy put on a pot of coffee and turned on the small radio in the kitchen. Buffy found herself sitting on a stool and staring off into space. She waited for her coffee to make and then took the steaming mug and let the hot liquid burn her tongue. The radio sang a song that perfectly fit her life these past few weeks.
**
See Baby I apologize
For all the things
That I've done, that I've done
See I know that I've been a fool
For far too long
Baby you don't have to
Go and run away
Just come back to me
Please baby, baby won't you stay
If you really love me
Then why are you leavin' me?**
Everything was so routine without him in her life, so empty. No matter how hard she denied she missed him so much. She missed the games they played, the way he made butterflies appear in her stomach, the way he kissed her, the way he felt inside her.
Her whole world was crumbling and the only person that could save her was the person she couldn't let herself love. Maybe it was her fault he wasn't around anymore, she pushed him away. She hadn't seen him for almost a month and everyday had become harder and harder. Stop being so weak, she told herself. Was it possible she loved him?
How can you cry so much for someone you don't love…? You can't love him after what he did to you, that nuisance of a voice was whispering in her head. What about what you did to him? Buffy's heart was being torn into two, the part that wants Spike and the part that despises him.
**
I can't think
Think about this crazy day
I lose sleep
Just to daydream about you baby
I'm goin' crazy, crazy, crazy
Just thinkin' about you lately
I'm goin' crazy, crazy, crazy
Just thinkin' about you baby
I'm goin' crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy
Thinkin' about you lately**
She was going crazy, her mind was so mixed up. How had she broken down like this?
The realization that her life was truly pathetic sunk in harder than any stone. She got off the stool and sunk down the side of the kitchen counter until she was huddled together.
Tears began to stream down her delicate face. Her body ached all over but her heart experienced stronger pain. She hadn't felt so miserable since her mother's death.
Buffy was wondering what her mom thought of the mighty slayer now. She couldn't hold it in any longer and let sobs escape her lips. She wished her mom was with her, she'd know what to say to make Buffy feel better.
She wasn't used to feeling so helpless and alone, what had happened to her life?
How did she go from being on top of the world to bawling on the cold tile floor?
"Bye Buffy," Dawn shouted as Buffy heard the front door slam.
After a good fifteen minutes spent crying Buffy got off the floor and tried to calm herself down. She went into the front hall and reached in her jacket. She pulled out a half empty pack of cigarettes and a neon green lighter. She retrieved a cigarette and lit it with shaking hands. For the past few weeks she'd been smoking to help keep her calm.
She always hated smoking but lately it seemed like he most enjoyable part of her life. She inhaled the deadly fumes and let them scar her lungs. For Buffy dieing was not a fear, it was an escape. The only thing that kept her going was Dawn. If it wasn't for Dawn she wasn't sure where she would be right now.
Buffy opened the front door and stared at the empty street. It was too early to be awake on a Saturday morning therefore Revello Drive was silent. Buffy sat down on the steps of the porch and enjoyed the silence morning brought. She took another drag of the cigarette and her thoughts traveled back to Spike. She loved to watch him smoke; she'd never admit it though. She liked the way the smoke escaped his ice cold lips to form a single pattern. Stop thinking about him, the voice reappeared. She couldn't help it; everywhere she looked there was a reminder of him. The tree which he always stood under smoking,
the driveway where his car has been parked many times, and the grass on which they…
Bad thoughts Buffy bad thoughts! Buffy didn't know how she was going to pull through it all, and this time he wasn't there to be by her side. It was her fault too, all her fault. It was because of her that she wasn't with him right now; because of herself she wasn't happy, he was right she was afraid to admit it. You always hurt the pople you love, she could hear his voice inside her head. My god, I love him, Buffy thought.
The realization hit her, she did love him. She didn't want to but yet she loved him.
I love Spike, she thought. Could this day get any worse?
******* TBC! She admitted it yeye, I have plenty in store for you********