Robinson Cartman
By Evil Rabid Kadabra (AKA Kyle Kicks Ass)(Written around October-November 1999)
I wrote this when I was ten years old and in 5th grade – and it shows. O_o Just smile and nod – I'm posting this simply to frighten people, and show what happens when little ten year olds try to write South Park fiction.
Chapter 1. The Television Left BehindI was born in 1990, in South Park, Colorado, of a slut mom. My mother's family was named Cartman, and so I was named Eric Cartman. But I call myself Cartman, and so my companions always called me.
Being the only child in the family, and not trained for any trade, my head began to fill with thoughts. My mommy wanted me to study law, but I wanted to go on adventures. I went so strongly against the will of my mommy and all of my friends, I knew that there was a life of teasing in front of me.
My mommy, a sult woman, called me into her room. She asked me why I would leave to go on adventures. But I told her ''I can go adventures if I want to! Now get me out of here! ''
''Eric, don't be difficult!'' mom said.
'"No. You hear me! Screw you mom, I'm going to have an adventure."' I said
"'Mommy's going to take a nappy bye, hon. And don't you dare go out on an adventure, or take the new box of cheesy poofs.'' she said.
But I did not listen. I went downstairs and went right to the cheesy poofs. I opened the cabinet as quietly as I could and took the cheesy poofs out of it. Then I started to pick my nose. My mom called from upstairs ''Don't pick your nose hon.'' I didn't listen to her. I just lie down on the couch and fell asleep.
I had the most horrible dream .I dreamed me walking out the door with no Fat Abbot Cartoons, Marty's Movie Reviews and Terrance and Philip. My T.V would be all alone. Nobody would be there to watch it. Nobody but my mommy watching General Hospital would be there.
Just then, I got woke up by Stanley Marsh, who was singing'' Mountain Town''.
I got very angry with him and yelled ''You better shut up or I will kill you. But he did not. So I went outside on an adventure.
Chapter 2. My first adventureI stalked up to Stan.
''Ohhhhhhhhhhhh Shhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttttttttt, now I've done it!'' Stan mouned. I came over there and gave him a Hawaiian Punch, and he yelled ''LLLLLLLLLLLLLLILYYYYY! CARTMAN HIT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!'' Lily tramped over there in a second with her knuckles of steel ready to cream and then me pick me up and throw me from here to Mars. But she just pinned me down and said ''Why the hell did you hurt Stan? What gave you the nerve to hurt him? Huh?''
''He was singing that hella lame song! That's why, bitch! You shut your bitch ass mouth, hoe." I spoke too soon. Lily took one of her knuckles of steel and fed it to me the old fashioned way.
"Don't ever call me a hoe again, fat ass! And, if you ever hit Stan again, I will pick your fat ass up and throw you all the fuck way to Saturn!" So, I was also wrong. She would throw me to Saturn, not Mars. She kicked me in the stomach and then threw me one more time, and then grabbed Stan.
"Stan...are you okay?" she asked. He nodded, still crying a little bit.
"It hurt..." Stan whined. Lily turned back to me with big black lines over her eyes.
"You made him cry, tubby, and just for that...I'm going to tell the whole world that your mom was on the cover of crack whore magazine ten times!" I got the shocked things around my eyes, and then got on my knees at her feet.
"No.Please," I begged. "Please, Lily...I won't ever ever make fun of Stan ever again if you just please please PLEASE don't say anything about my mom's MULTIPLE appearences on that magazine..." Lily thought about it for a minute...and then she smiled evily.
"Live with Kenny for a week and I won't tell anyone bout your mom, alright, tithead?" I nodded quickly. I didn't ever want to see Lily ever again right now...damn the bitch could kick the shit out of anyone! I was infuriated that I had gotten the shit kicked out of me by a girl, and I was even more pissed off that I have to go live with Kenny for a week! I tramped through the snow; my face beet red with anger. I would have to eat frozen waffles with no side dishes! Just then, I fell down in front of Kyle's house. I decided that I would take him along with me. If I had to go so did jew boy. So I went up to his door and knocked on it. Kyle answered it. ''What do you want?'' he asked.
''Kyle, you and I going are going in and out of poverty.'' I said.
''WE ARE WHAT!'' Kyle yelled.
''Going in and out of poverty'' I said.
''I don't wanna.'' Kyle said.
''Look jew boy, it's hopeless. You're coming with me.'' I said.
''Allright. For how long?''
''A week.''
''A FUCKING WEEK?!''
''Yup.''
''SHIT!''
''Are you still coming?''
''Yes...but...''
''Yes?''
''WHY THE FUCK ARE WE GOING TO FUCKING KENNY'S HOUSE?''
''Well, I heard Stanley singing, so I gave him a Hawaiian punch, and he yelled for Lily. And then Lily came over and pinned me down. And I recited lines off Fat Abbot to call her names, and then she started punching me and said, 'You must go to Kenny's house for a week, or I will tell everyone your mom...uh..."
"Appeared on Crack whore magazine ten times?" I slowly nodded, and Kyle laughed.
"I never knew your mom appeared that many times!"
''Don't tell anyone, OK?''
''Alright''
''Good. Now let's get going.''
Kenny's house so was not very far from here; it took us about 3 more minutes to get there.
Chapter 3.
In and Out of Poverty
Outside Kenny's house was a complete and total mess. There were beer bottles scattered everywhere, with a big orange cat roaming around in it. And just think, Kyle and I were going to live in that dump! It was going to be worst than I thought it was! Kyle wanted Kenny to have a Nintendo, but I reminded him that he did not, he just had a Celecovision. When we got on the doorstep, Kyle and I looked at each other for a while, and then I knocked. Kenny answered the door.
''What do you two want?'' he asked.
''Kenny, it's a long story. I'll tell you later.'' I said.
''Oh '' he said.
''Kenny don't answer the door so rudely!'' his mom said.
''What was that all about?'' I asked.
''Oh, my mom wanted me to start to have good manners, but look at my mom! She is the one who needs good manners!'' he said.
''Kenny stop it! You hear me?'' she said, surprised.
''Yes, mom.''
''OK. But don't be so rude.''
''Sorry, mom.''
''That was weird.'' Kyle said.
''Well, what do you want to do?'' Kenny asked.
''What is there to do?'' I asked.
''We can play okie-mouth.'' Kenny said.
''How do you play that?'' I asked.
''DON'T PLAY OKIE-MOUTH!!!!'' Kyle yelled.
''Why? I asked.
''BECAUSE YOU SPIT INTO ONE PERSON'S MOUTH AND THEY HAVE TO SWALLOW IT AND SAY 'OKIE-MOUTH' AT THE SAME TIME!''
''SICK'' I yelled.
''We could have a orgy.'' Kenny said.
''With who?''
''You know, all my inflatable love dolls-''
''SICK'' Kyle said, and then he puked like Stan.
''SICK" I yelled.
''I have Pokémon, they're fighting fit! Want to see them fight?'' Kenny said.
''O.K.'' I said
''Go! Caterpie!''
Kenny sent out a queer little caterpillar that looked like he was angry that went ''tee-tee'' when he was sent out.
''Go! Charmander!'' Kyle said.
The Caterpie used string shot on Charmander and he used ember, making Caterpie faint immedeately.
''No! Caterpie can't cut it!''
''Kenny, go to bed!'' Mrs. McCormick said.
''O.K''
Instead of going to bed, Kenny sent out Weedle.
'' You're sending out a bug?''
'' Yup''
Charmander used ember. Bye, Weedle!
''I'm telling mommy!''
''No you're not!'' said Mrs. McCormick.
''Blow me 'miss manners!''
''Ass master!''
''Douchenozzel!''
'' Britney Spears lover!''
''Pig fuck!''
''Pig's suck!''
'' So?''
They went on and on like that for a long time. We did basically the same thing - have swear feasts, until I found a letter. It read:
4-5-1-18 3-1-18-20-13-1-14
9-6 25-15-21 4-15-14-20 23-1-14-20 1-14-25-15-14-5 20-14 11-14-15-23 1-2-15-21-20 25-15-21-18 13-15-13, 7-15 20-15 19-20-1-18-11-19 16-15-14-4.
---24
"What the hell was that" I said"Kyle! Come hither!"
"What now?" Kyle said.
"Look at this spooky note, jew boy"
"It sure is spooky, Cartman."
"No kidding, why the fuck did you think I said that?"
"Because you are the son of the devil?"
"OK. That's a good start, why else?"
"Because you read Delia's?"
" I do not read Delia's you fucking ass! A piece of shit jew boy does not know I read Delia's!"
"So, do you?"
"Fuck no!"
I spotted a white thing out of the corner of my eye. I picked it up. It was another letter. It read:
To whom this may concern:
To decode this letter, use the graph below.
1. A
2. B
3. C
4. D
5. E
6. F
7. G
8. H
9. I
10. J
11. K
12. L
13. M
14. N
15. O
16. P
17. Q
18. R
19. S
20. T
21. U
22. V
23. W
24. X
25. Y
26. Z
This would mean the old letter read:
Dear Cartman – if you don't want anyone to know about your mom, go to starks pond. ---x Oh! Yes! Now I can get away from this dump and have my own little adventure on snow!
Chapter 4.
From South Park to a plane crash
That night, I snuck out of Kenny's house in to the crisp night air. I walked around the town until I found Stark's Pond. There was a shack there that had a sign that said The American Council for People with Slut Moms. There were lights on so I knocked. No answer. I knocked again. Still no answer. A light went off in the left side of the house and one went on right by the door. So I knocked. This time there was an answer.
"Come in" a voice said. When I heard this answer I was going to ask how he knew me, but right when I was going to ask them, the man, or "X" said "You need to go to the crack whore magazine company. To get there, you'll have to catch the plane ride @ 8:00 AM to get to the company on the South American border. Now run my child, run!"
So I did. I ran until I collapsed on the snow. Why did I run away anyway? I still needed to ask him questions. How had he built the shack so quick? Did he know the little monster rancher people? I do…Mochi is my favorite. She always goes "Mochi cannon Chi!" and she sits on top of that idiot guy's head because it is a fuckin' faggot. But she still is my favorite. She is cute and pink and she has a green st- Oh! Look at the time! I to get to the plane. Oh no. No plane tickets. Let's look in the trash. Ops! Should not have looked! Let's look in this in this one. The first electrical switch was opened! No! Let's look in this one. CARTMAN found GREAT BALL! Ahhh! Oh! Here they are! Now lets get to the airport.
Meanwhile…
"OK. We have to take this," said a Government Offical, pointing to a large steel bomb "and this" he said, pointing to a thing that would shoot out the bomb " and we will put it under the ship to blow it up. Oh yea. And if there are any survivors, well we will need our grand master balls. All clear?"
"Yes!" all of the Government Officals said.
" But you all have to remember-"
"Yes we all know"
"Fine, be that way."
"Is this conference complete?" someone asked.
"No."
"Do you have anything else to say?"
"No."
"So it's ended."
"Guards take him away."
One officer and one guard took the flamin' Homo away.
"This conference is ended."
Back at the Lab- uh Airport
I went over to the ticket lady. I gave her the tickets to the plane. But she rejected them. She said they were the tickets to the cheesy poof rocket. She also said that if I wanted to get tickets, they were over to the left. So that's where I went. There was a place to rest, a place to eat, & the ticket booth. I went to the ticket booth first. I said I wanted tickets to the plane to the South American border. She said it would be $27.95. I gave her my 30.00 dollars I stole from mommy. She said payment received and asked if I wanted change. I said yes. I took my change and went over to the place where you could eat. I sat down at a table and looked at the menu. There was junk on it like oodles of poodle and filet of cat and maraschino cherry, walnut, marshmallow, pineapple, strawberry, cream cheese and cabbage molded salad. All of the shit looked gross, and anyway it was much too expensive.
I walked over to those stupid little bench thingies that were much too hard, and sat there. And sat. And sat. AND SAT!!
Finally, 8 o'clock arrived. I got up and went on that silly plane, daydreaming about destroying crack whore magazine. While doing this, Mr. Pilot approached me. He said, "I've got a present for ya!"
"Really? Gimmie!" I knocked Mr. Pilot over and tore off the wrapping paper off my present. It was an apple.
"Goddammit, I ran all this way to this airport and waited for a million hours just to get an apple?! I…am…so…pissed…off…right…now…!"
"Please," Mr. Pilot said. "If you really want to destory crack whore, take the apple. It's may come in handy."
I hate apples, seriously, you guys.
I walked down the asile and bumped into this idiot. "Hey! Let's battle Pokémon!"
"I don't have one," I said.
"Don't have one!" Screamed the guy. Everyone else on the plane started screaming too, so I ran away and hid myself in the bathroom for the rest of the trip. Little did I know how more unpleasant it was going to turn out to be…
Meanwhile…AGAIN!
The Government officals looked up at the sky. They could see the plane, a little speck among the clouds. "Is the bomb ready?" their leader asked.
"Sir, yes Sir!" the gunman replied. Taking careful aim, the gunman released the bomb. It soared up into the wild blue yonder, and slammed against the plane. It swerved, and then fell to Earth with a crash.
Chapter 5.
Looting the Wrecked Plane
Something was wrong with the G-defuser. The plane flinched! It did more than flinch. It crashed, boomed, powed, banged, and sputtered. Then there was the sound of metal being shredded and bombs flying, people dying, children crying {actually this ear-pericing annoying scream.} and politicians lying. It was not super, thanks for asking.
Finally, I got enough courage to open the bathroom door. The plane was a mess! Dead people with their guts hanging out lay in the seats, and the looks on their faces, it was one of shocked dead people. The plane was a mess. One side was completely shredded, and by looking through it I could tell that we were on land. But then a big hunk of metal hit me on the head. I started saying, "Sucky sucky, five dollar" and "Oh, Ming Li miss you long time." I walked around like this for a bit and than returned to my normal state. I threw the stupid apple I was still holding onto the firm ground, and then I took the bloody clothing off the shocked dead people. I would need them to make a tent. I searched through pockets for matches and found some. These I took also. Then I headed to the cargo load. Opening the door, I saw it was full of Take Control soy spread, of which I had the same opinion of as I did the virgin rainforest. Whoopee. However, it was food, so I took it, too.
Then, in the back, I saw it! WOW! THE ULTRA-VIBE 2000! I couldn't let that beauty go to waste, so it joined the Take Control, the bloody clothes, the matches, and the apple out on the beach of the island I was now stranded on. I pilfered a hell of a lot of cool stuff from the wreaked plane, among them some chairs, several emergency flotation devices, a pamphlet on how to wear the seatbelt correctly, a seatbelt itself, pens and stationary, address and assignment books, ABC gum from under the seats that I immeadently started chewing, the steering wheel, lots of peanuts (Whoopee.) and cheap cat meat "fish" patties, a laptop computer, and some stuffing from inside the seats.
When I was done pilfering, I piled up the shocked dead people and set fire to them so I wouldn't have to smell them rot when rigor mortis set in (If you want to know what something rotting smells like, sniff Kenny.). But now, I needed a tent.
Chapter 6.
Building a Tent
ME? Live like a tree-hugging hippie in the woods?
Yes, seriously, you guys, I had to live in a tent in the wilderness.
I sorta knew how to build a tent. You put some bendy things together and you stake them in the ground, and then put the cover thingie over them. Simple when you had the materials. But where would I find bendy things?
I walked around until I found a gay little sapling (what kind of name is SAPLING?) growing out of a rotting carcass of a deer ("GROSS!" Lily would have said, and probably puke like Stan talking to Wendy). The tree was bendy enough, so I stepped on the deer's head and uprooted the sapling, taking much dead deer flesh with it. Breathing as little as possible, I carried the sapling back to camp and managed to find some more. By tying them together with some string, I had managed to rig up some sort of primitive tent frame.
By throwing the clothes over and making sure that there were no holes in the roof or anywhere, I had made a sort of primitive tent. Sweet!
Well, it wasn't sweet when I slept in it. It leaked, and it made me smell like a wet dog. Also, it was wet and cold. My tent needed improvements, so I tried to call Tim Allen on my handy-dandy cell phone. But his secretary said not to let him fix it. I got really mad and said, "AY!", and the secretary said that letting Tim Allen fix things was not a good idea, so why don't I call Christopher Lowell? I hung up in a huff.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Hmmmm…the story sort of just ends here. Guess my little fifth grade self got bored. O_o I have no intention of finishing this, either. Did I scare you?