Disclaimer: Legolas, Haldir, and Aragorn all belong to J.R.R. Tolkien. "El
Tango de Roxanne" belongs to whoever owns the remarkable, incredible,
spectacular "Moulin Rouge".
Author's Note: Round two! I couldn't help but get a nagging feeling that "El Tango de Roxanne" was just more of Haldir's style than the version sung by The Police, and the sight of lots of pretty Elf boys dancing around madly is enough to drive anyone insane in a zero period algebra two class. Some lyrics remain unchanged because I had not the heart to slaughter them. If you've never seen the movie "Moulin Rouge", you might want to go out and rent it to get a general feel for where exactly this song places in the overall story. As for placement in Tolkien's world: Aragorn has become King of Gondor, Legolas is more or less his whore, Haldir is upset because he's in love with Legolas (and vice versa), and Legolas is being used as an instrument from the Elves to push through a political campaign through Men. Lots of finaglement.
(All of the Elves are sitting morosely in the Great Hall – save for Legolas, who is out with Aragorn trying to push a reform through by means of seduction. Haldir, who is beginning to feel the first pangs of jealousy, mopes. Glorfindel snorts, taking "center stage".)
GLORFINDEL: Never fall in love with an Elf who sells himself! It always turns out BAD! (This gets a chorus of laughs and a rather dirty look from Haldir. Glorfindel continues.) In Rivendell, we know the story of a Prince from Mirkwood and the Elf Lord who falls in love… with him. (The lights go up on Rumil, causing more laughter. Rumil, smiling, takes his position in the center opposite Glorfindel, the violins swelling in the background. They begin the dance.) First, there is desire. Then passion. (Rumil looks lustfully at the other Elves gathering in for the dance.) Next is suspicion, anger, jealousy! When a prince sells himself to the highest bidder, there can be no trust. Where there is no trust, there is no love! (The dance now begins in earnest.)
Legolas!
You don't have to get involved in a fling.
Legolas!
You don't have to sell your body to the King!
(As the Elves pair up and begin the tango, Haldir starts to walk numbly out of the Great Hall, his feet leading him to the Tower.)
HALDIR: His eyes upon your face,
His hand upon your hand,
His lips caress your skin,
It's more than I can stand!
Why does my heart cry?
Feelings I can't fight –
You're free to leave me
But just don't deceive me
And please believe me when I say
I love you.
(The scene cuts to The Tower, where Aragorn is "serenading" Legolas over dinner.)
ARAGORN: When my reforms go through, you shall no longer be just a Prince of Mirkwood. You shall be the second consort of Gondor! (He presents Legolas with a new knife. Legolas gasps.) Consider this a gift from Beren to his Luthien.
LEGOLAS: And the proposition?
ARAGORN: Let the Elves keep their fairy tale proposition.
(They go out to the balcony. The figure of Haldir glares balefully up from below.)
LEGOLAS (sings): Come what may… I will love you, until my dying day…
ARAGORN (notices Haldir): I see. So it is true. You do love him.
LEGOLAS: My dear King –
ARAGORN: Silence! You lied to me! You made me believe you loved me!
LEGOLAS: No –
(Aragorn drags a sobbing Legolas back inside and slaps him, hard. Legolas screams, running around the table. Aragorn pulls off the tablecloth, causing various platters of food to fall of. He catches Legolas and rips his shirt off, throwing the Elf onto the bed as the song continues, Haldir running a counter-melody with Glorfindel's repeated "Legolas".)
HALDIR: Why must my heart cry?
GLORFINDEL: Legolas!
HALDIR: Feelings I can't fight.
GLORFINDEL: Legolas!
HALDIR: You're free to leave me but just don't deceive me
And please believe me when I say I love you.
Why does my heart cry?
GLORFINDEL: Legolas!
HALDIR: Feelings I can't fight –
GLORFINDEL: Legolas!
(Haldir's voice tapers off, but the Elves continue singing his refrain, the song coming to a dizzying conclusion as Rumil pantomimes having his throat slit amongst a circle of Elf Lords. At the Tower, Elohir walks in on Legolas' impending doom and punches Aragorn, rendering him unconscious.)
A/N: Not very original, I know, I know. My apologies. Whatever comes next will actually have somewhat parodied lyrics.
Author's Note: Round two! I couldn't help but get a nagging feeling that "El Tango de Roxanne" was just more of Haldir's style than the version sung by The Police, and the sight of lots of pretty Elf boys dancing around madly is enough to drive anyone insane in a zero period algebra two class. Some lyrics remain unchanged because I had not the heart to slaughter them. If you've never seen the movie "Moulin Rouge", you might want to go out and rent it to get a general feel for where exactly this song places in the overall story. As for placement in Tolkien's world: Aragorn has become King of Gondor, Legolas is more or less his whore, Haldir is upset because he's in love with Legolas (and vice versa), and Legolas is being used as an instrument from the Elves to push through a political campaign through Men. Lots of finaglement.
(All of the Elves are sitting morosely in the Great Hall – save for Legolas, who is out with Aragorn trying to push a reform through by means of seduction. Haldir, who is beginning to feel the first pangs of jealousy, mopes. Glorfindel snorts, taking "center stage".)
GLORFINDEL: Never fall in love with an Elf who sells himself! It always turns out BAD! (This gets a chorus of laughs and a rather dirty look from Haldir. Glorfindel continues.) In Rivendell, we know the story of a Prince from Mirkwood and the Elf Lord who falls in love… with him. (The lights go up on Rumil, causing more laughter. Rumil, smiling, takes his position in the center opposite Glorfindel, the violins swelling in the background. They begin the dance.) First, there is desire. Then passion. (Rumil looks lustfully at the other Elves gathering in for the dance.) Next is suspicion, anger, jealousy! When a prince sells himself to the highest bidder, there can be no trust. Where there is no trust, there is no love! (The dance now begins in earnest.)
Legolas!
You don't have to get involved in a fling.
Legolas!
You don't have to sell your body to the King!
(As the Elves pair up and begin the tango, Haldir starts to walk numbly out of the Great Hall, his feet leading him to the Tower.)
HALDIR: His eyes upon your face,
His hand upon your hand,
His lips caress your skin,
It's more than I can stand!
Why does my heart cry?
Feelings I can't fight –
You're free to leave me
But just don't deceive me
And please believe me when I say
I love you.
(The scene cuts to The Tower, where Aragorn is "serenading" Legolas over dinner.)
ARAGORN: When my reforms go through, you shall no longer be just a Prince of Mirkwood. You shall be the second consort of Gondor! (He presents Legolas with a new knife. Legolas gasps.) Consider this a gift from Beren to his Luthien.
LEGOLAS: And the proposition?
ARAGORN: Let the Elves keep their fairy tale proposition.
(They go out to the balcony. The figure of Haldir glares balefully up from below.)
LEGOLAS (sings): Come what may… I will love you, until my dying day…
ARAGORN (notices Haldir): I see. So it is true. You do love him.
LEGOLAS: My dear King –
ARAGORN: Silence! You lied to me! You made me believe you loved me!
LEGOLAS: No –
(Aragorn drags a sobbing Legolas back inside and slaps him, hard. Legolas screams, running around the table. Aragorn pulls off the tablecloth, causing various platters of food to fall of. He catches Legolas and rips his shirt off, throwing the Elf onto the bed as the song continues, Haldir running a counter-melody with Glorfindel's repeated "Legolas".)
HALDIR: Why must my heart cry?
GLORFINDEL: Legolas!
HALDIR: Feelings I can't fight.
GLORFINDEL: Legolas!
HALDIR: You're free to leave me but just don't deceive me
And please believe me when I say I love you.
Why does my heart cry?
GLORFINDEL: Legolas!
HALDIR: Feelings I can't fight –
GLORFINDEL: Legolas!
(Haldir's voice tapers off, but the Elves continue singing his refrain, the song coming to a dizzying conclusion as Rumil pantomimes having his throat slit amongst a circle of Elf Lords. At the Tower, Elohir walks in on Legolas' impending doom and punches Aragorn, rendering him unconscious.)
A/N: Not very original, I know, I know. My apologies. Whatever comes next will actually have somewhat parodied lyrics.