Disclaimer: All Tolkien and Baz Luhrmann's.
Author's Note: Evil parodies strike yet again! There was never supposed to have been a conclusion to "Roxanne" or "El Tango de Roxanne", but inspiration has a habit of seeing its task done with. This is merely another sketch of what "El Tango de Legolas" began. I apologize for the horrid state of this piece, but at the moment, I cannot envision a better parody of Legolas being Aragorn's whore.
CELEBORN: Open the doors! Open the doors!
HALDIR: (backstage) Say it! Say that you don't love me!
LEGOLAS: (backstage and whimpering, kneeling) No, Haldir – it's not worth it –
(The doors swing open, and Haldir and Legolas find themselves in the harsh lights of the stage. The audience mutters in confusion; Haldir is not Elohir, the Elf who originally was seen with Legolas. Celeborn's eyes flash, noticing Aragorn's seething rage in the front row, and he quickly covers.)
CELEBORN: Haha! I am not fooled! This is the same, common archer, whom I have banished from my kingdom! (The audience "ooos". Haldir spits and throws a bag of coins at Legolas.)
HALDIR: She means nothing to me. There. I've paid my whore. (Silent tears are running down Legolas' cheeks, and he is rocking back and forth, murmuring "No, no…" Haldir's voice cracks.) Thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love! (He stalks off the stage. In the front row, Aragorn is sporting a demonic grin.)
CELEBORN: (moving closer to Legolas, who now makes no effort to hide his sobs) See how he flees the kingdom! He does not love you! (He bends down and whispers in the other Elf's pointed ear) Shh, my princeling, this is for the best. (He straightens up.) And now, my consort, it is time for us to take our wedding vows. (Legolas continues to sob and shakes his head violently, then finally gains some control over himself.)
LEGOLAS: (sings) Never knew I could feel like this… Like I'd never seen the trees before. Want to vanish inside your kiss; every century I love you more and more. (His voice gains projection as he pulls himself to his feet.) Listen to my heart – can you hear it sing? Come back to me and forgive everything! (He stops himself, his voice coming in jagged rasps.) Seasons may change, winter to spring… (He whispers) But I love you, until the end of time.
(Haldir stops dead in his tracks and turns around, tears welling up in his eyes.)
HALDIR: (sings) Come what may… (Legolas breaks into a radiant smile, oblivious to the smudges of his makeup. Aragorn continues to seethe in the front row.) Come what may… (Haldir begins to stride back down the aisle joyfully.) I will love you!
LEGOLAS: (joining in) I will love you!
BOTH: Until my dying day! Come what may, come what may… I will love you, until my dying day! (The two lovers are reunited onstage amidst a flurry of kisses and hugs. Celeborn pretends to be distressed, but a glimmer in his eye betrays his true feelings about the situation.)
ARAGORN: He's mine! Mine! That isn't the ending! (He gets up and storms out, then trips over a dagger that Haldir conveniently dropped on the way out the aisle. In a mad rage, he picks it up and runs towards the stage, only to be met by a strong blow from Celeborn. Elohir enters the madness.)
(Daeron, the conductor of the orchestra pit, jumps onstage.)
DAERON: The Elves live on!
(The company freezes and turns back to the audience.)
ELOHIR: (sings) No matter what you say, the tide is shifting our way! (Legolas and Haldir join in, arm in arm.) You'd better stand your ground, 'cause we won't back down for… (The entire company joins in.) Freedom! Beauty! Truth and love! (A shower of flower pedals rains down from above as Haldir and Legolas sing opposing countermelodies. All too soon, the lights blow out and the curtain falls down.)
**Well? Should I continue on this "Moulin Rouge" path, or get a life and do something new?
Author's Note: Evil parodies strike yet again! There was never supposed to have been a conclusion to "Roxanne" or "El Tango de Roxanne", but inspiration has a habit of seeing its task done with. This is merely another sketch of what "El Tango de Legolas" began. I apologize for the horrid state of this piece, but at the moment, I cannot envision a better parody of Legolas being Aragorn's whore.
CELEBORN: Open the doors! Open the doors!
HALDIR: (backstage) Say it! Say that you don't love me!
LEGOLAS: (backstage and whimpering, kneeling) No, Haldir – it's not worth it –
(The doors swing open, and Haldir and Legolas find themselves in the harsh lights of the stage. The audience mutters in confusion; Haldir is not Elohir, the Elf who originally was seen with Legolas. Celeborn's eyes flash, noticing Aragorn's seething rage in the front row, and he quickly covers.)
CELEBORN: Haha! I am not fooled! This is the same, common archer, whom I have banished from my kingdom! (The audience "ooos". Haldir spits and throws a bag of coins at Legolas.)
HALDIR: She means nothing to me. There. I've paid my whore. (Silent tears are running down Legolas' cheeks, and he is rocking back and forth, murmuring "No, no…" Haldir's voice cracks.) Thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love! (He stalks off the stage. In the front row, Aragorn is sporting a demonic grin.)
CELEBORN: (moving closer to Legolas, who now makes no effort to hide his sobs) See how he flees the kingdom! He does not love you! (He bends down and whispers in the other Elf's pointed ear) Shh, my princeling, this is for the best. (He straightens up.) And now, my consort, it is time for us to take our wedding vows. (Legolas continues to sob and shakes his head violently, then finally gains some control over himself.)
LEGOLAS: (sings) Never knew I could feel like this… Like I'd never seen the trees before. Want to vanish inside your kiss; every century I love you more and more. (His voice gains projection as he pulls himself to his feet.) Listen to my heart – can you hear it sing? Come back to me and forgive everything! (He stops himself, his voice coming in jagged rasps.) Seasons may change, winter to spring… (He whispers) But I love you, until the end of time.
(Haldir stops dead in his tracks and turns around, tears welling up in his eyes.)
HALDIR: (sings) Come what may… (Legolas breaks into a radiant smile, oblivious to the smudges of his makeup. Aragorn continues to seethe in the front row.) Come what may… (Haldir begins to stride back down the aisle joyfully.) I will love you!
LEGOLAS: (joining in) I will love you!
BOTH: Until my dying day! Come what may, come what may… I will love you, until my dying day! (The two lovers are reunited onstage amidst a flurry of kisses and hugs. Celeborn pretends to be distressed, but a glimmer in his eye betrays his true feelings about the situation.)
ARAGORN: He's mine! Mine! That isn't the ending! (He gets up and storms out, then trips over a dagger that Haldir conveniently dropped on the way out the aisle. In a mad rage, he picks it up and runs towards the stage, only to be met by a strong blow from Celeborn. Elohir enters the madness.)
(Daeron, the conductor of the orchestra pit, jumps onstage.)
DAERON: The Elves live on!
(The company freezes and turns back to the audience.)
ELOHIR: (sings) No matter what you say, the tide is shifting our way! (Legolas and Haldir join in, arm in arm.) You'd better stand your ground, 'cause we won't back down for… (The entire company joins in.) Freedom! Beauty! Truth and love! (A shower of flower pedals rains down from above as Haldir and Legolas sing opposing countermelodies. All too soon, the lights blow out and the curtain falls down.)
**Well? Should I continue on this "Moulin Rouge" path, or get a life and do something new?