Disclaimer: Anything vaguely related to "Lord of the Rings" belongs to
J.R.R. Tolkien. The song "Wig in a Box" belongs to John Cameron Mitchell
and Stephen Trask.
Author's Note: A great big thank you to all of the wonderful people who reviewed my parodies of "Moulin Rouge" that have come to dominate The Legolas Files! I'm getting some drafts together for an Aragorn/Haldir/Legolas "Moulin Rouge" parody up. Until then, the time has been passed by rewriting "Wig in a Box" from "Hedwig and the Angry Inch".
This has nothing to do with other pieces of The Legolas Files, and was written under the premise of, "What if Legolas' hair was really just a wig?" Hope that you enjoy this short little discourse.
LEGOLAS: On nights like this,
When my life's a bit amiss,
And the fireworks of Mithrandir are in full flair,
I lay down, I feel had,
Feel like things can only be bad,
And then it's time to do my hair.
I lay down my weapons,
Sing of Elbereth,
And put the wig back on my head,
Suddenly I'm Mr. Middle Earth Beauty King,
Until I head home – and I put myself to bed.
(Chords strike up from beneath his window, triggered by one of the band members of the Angry Inch. The tempo picks up a notch.)
I look back on where I'm from,
Look at the Elf that I've become,
And the strangest things seem suddenly routine.
I look up from the water on the rocks,
The gift-wrapped wig still in the box
Of towering velveteen.
I lay down my weapons,
Sing of Elbereth,
And pull a wig down from the shelf.
Suddenly I'm King Elrond of Rivendell,
Until I wake up, then I turn back to myself.
(The full band of the Angry Inch now marches in, complete with smiles, into Legolas' flet, led by a crooning Haldir. They sing the backup.)
Some Elves, they've got a natural ease
They wear them any way they please
With their Noldor curls and perfumed magazines.
Braid it up, plait it down,
This is the best way that I've found,
To be the best you've ever seen.
I lay down my weapons,
Sing of Elbereth,
And pull a wing down from the shelf.
Suddenly I'm Queen Galadriel of Lothlorien,
Until I wake up, then I turn back to myself.
(The tempo is now unbelievably fast as Legolas vents his frustrations and his rage in an effect that looks very much akin to a corny music video.)
Flop, bi-level bob, Nazgul look too,
Hobbit curls, Dwarvish locks
It's all because of you
With your air dried, tossed back
I'm-An-Elflord do,
Frizz, glitz, flip, dip,
It's all because of you!
It's all because of you!
All because of you…
(The tempo once again slows down, and Legolas gets a little bit of control of himself, even venturing to smile. The words pop up on the screen as he says them, the Angry Inch singing along.)
Ok, everybody!
I lay down my weapons,
Sing of Elbereth,
And pull the wig down from the shelf…
(The words stop popping up on the screen and the Angry Inch take their places behind Legolas.)
Suddenly I'm this bad ass warrior of myth and song
And ain't never…
I'm never turning back!
Author's Note: A great big thank you to all of the wonderful people who reviewed my parodies of "Moulin Rouge" that have come to dominate The Legolas Files! I'm getting some drafts together for an Aragorn/Haldir/Legolas "Moulin Rouge" parody up. Until then, the time has been passed by rewriting "Wig in a Box" from "Hedwig and the Angry Inch".
This has nothing to do with other pieces of The Legolas Files, and was written under the premise of, "What if Legolas' hair was really just a wig?" Hope that you enjoy this short little discourse.
LEGOLAS: On nights like this,
When my life's a bit amiss,
And the fireworks of Mithrandir are in full flair,
I lay down, I feel had,
Feel like things can only be bad,
And then it's time to do my hair.
I lay down my weapons,
Sing of Elbereth,
And put the wig back on my head,
Suddenly I'm Mr. Middle Earth Beauty King,
Until I head home – and I put myself to bed.
(Chords strike up from beneath his window, triggered by one of the band members of the Angry Inch. The tempo picks up a notch.)
I look back on where I'm from,
Look at the Elf that I've become,
And the strangest things seem suddenly routine.
I look up from the water on the rocks,
The gift-wrapped wig still in the box
Of towering velveteen.
I lay down my weapons,
Sing of Elbereth,
And pull a wig down from the shelf.
Suddenly I'm King Elrond of Rivendell,
Until I wake up, then I turn back to myself.
(The full band of the Angry Inch now marches in, complete with smiles, into Legolas' flet, led by a crooning Haldir. They sing the backup.)
Some Elves, they've got a natural ease
They wear them any way they please
With their Noldor curls and perfumed magazines.
Braid it up, plait it down,
This is the best way that I've found,
To be the best you've ever seen.
I lay down my weapons,
Sing of Elbereth,
And pull a wing down from the shelf.
Suddenly I'm Queen Galadriel of Lothlorien,
Until I wake up, then I turn back to myself.
(The tempo is now unbelievably fast as Legolas vents his frustrations and his rage in an effect that looks very much akin to a corny music video.)
Flop, bi-level bob, Nazgul look too,
Hobbit curls, Dwarvish locks
It's all because of you
With your air dried, tossed back
I'm-An-Elflord do,
Frizz, glitz, flip, dip,
It's all because of you!
It's all because of you!
All because of you…
(The tempo once again slows down, and Legolas gets a little bit of control of himself, even venturing to smile. The words pop up on the screen as he says them, the Angry Inch singing along.)
Ok, everybody!
I lay down my weapons,
Sing of Elbereth,
And pull the wig down from the shelf…
(The words stop popping up on the screen and the Angry Inch take their places behind Legolas.)
Suddenly I'm this bad ass warrior of myth and song
And ain't never…
I'm never turning back!