The Saitou Interview

This story comes from a letter I wrote to Plate-chan. It was three pages of comic strips of me in a trenchcoat and hat interviewing Saitou. I still have the copies of the letters if anyone would like to see them. This is complete madness and the answers Saitou gives couldn't possibly apply to what Saitou REALLY thinks. So don't take it too seriously.

Saitou:"Are you implying that you make me look like a pervert?"
Yes, Yes I am.
Sano:"GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!"

~~~~
"HELLO! And welcome back to the Wonderful World of Badass Bishounen. In this part of the show we usually like to take the time to interview one badass bishounen with Thirty Questions. In a way to...better understand why they are so incredibly badass. Today, we are EVER so lucky enough to be interviewing one Saitou Hajime."
*Saitou enters from the curtain on stage right. He waves to the audience as he takes his seat on the couch adjacent from the interviewer*
"Thank you Saitou-sama for joining us."
"My pleasure."
"Shall we get started?"
"Lets"
"1.Where is the great Saitou from?"
"I'm from all you lovely ladies sexual fantasies."
"...well....I suppose thats...true...eh...*shake head* OKAY! 2. Why spider-bangs!?"
"They double as windshield wipers and fly swatters"
"...you're kidding..."
"No watch"
Saitou then proceedes to use his spider bangs as a fly swatter, striking down anything that moves, including the interviewer.
"OKAY OKAY I believe you...Christ...3.If you could have anyone for an uke who would it be?"
"That would completely depend on my mood."Saitou smiles bearing his fanglike canines. A wild look in his eyes.
"IYAA...Thats slightly frightening....okay. 4.What's your favorite *ahem* position?"
"*CENSOR*" Do to the graphic nature of this statement we are not allowed to air this. So we suggest you use your imagination. Remember this IS Saitou and he IS ever so slightly insane and sadistic.
"ahahaaha...well then...*Erm* Lets move on to an easier question. 5. Do ya like ice cream?"
"Yes I do"
"Great lets go get some."
The host and the guest leave stage for a good fifteen minutes, leaving the audience wondering why the hell they have to be put through this waiting. Then the two come back with ice cream cones in their hands.
"Lets continue."
"Splendid."
"6. What's your favorite song?"
"'It's Raining Men'"
"Somehow....I expected that..."
"7.What color underpants do you have on?"
Saitou unbuckles his pants and drops them to the floor. He turns around and shows off what he has. "They're Superman print."
"I completely don't know how to deal with that....and put your pants back on!" As Saitou pulls on his pants, the host asks the next question.
"8.Have you ever worn womens clothing?"
"No, but I HAVE dressed Sano up as a pretty pretty princess."
Sano who's sitting in the audience next to Tokio lowers down in the seat covering his face with his hand.
"9. What do you REALLY think of Enishi?"
"I think he has a nice butt and firm breasts."
Enishi who is also in the audience, bugs out his eyes and stares blankly forward."I have no idea how to deal with that".
"10.Well what about Sanosuke?"
"I think he's one of the best uke's in the business."
Sano leaps up from his chair almost elbowing Tokio in the arm. "IS THAT ALL I AM TO YA!? HUH!?" Sano is the subdued as Tokio, twists his wrist backwards and behind his back. She lowers Sano into the seat, whispers something to him. Sano goes a complete shade of WHITE and remains silent.
"11.And what about Yahiko?"
"Well I think he has EXCELLENT potential. Especially, considering he's turned into such a hottie!" Saitou's eyes twinkle and he grins an evil sadistic grin.
Yahiko sitting in the middle of the audience quietly thinks to himself "Why'd he suddenly get all excited?" He takes out his hidden headphones and thinks it might be in his best interest to pay attention.
"12.So then, Shall we dance for no reason whatsoever?"
"Yes lets."
Saitou and the host get up and do a little soft shoe. Then when theyve had their fun they sit down.
"Woo. That was fun wasn't it. Okay then. 13. Can YOU name all the pokemon?"
"Yes I certainly can. It's like a fantasy in my pocket."
"Saitou thats horribly perverted. I love you."
Sano leaps up with Tokio at the same time. They both scream. "HEY BACK OFF BITCH!"
"Eh..I see , and its no suprise, you have very...intense fans. 14.Coke or Pepsi?"
"Soba"
"Saitou thats not one of the answers"
"It is now"Saitou giving her a glare that could make medusa turn to stone.
"Hai...15.What do you think about people who cosplay you?"
"I think theyre turning me into a god. I love it."
"16.Do you have any special nicknames for anyone?"
"I call Sano butternuts and Tokio Bosom Buddy"
Sano smacks his forhead as his face turns red as a coke can. Tokio giggles and fans herself.
"17. Now for no apparent reason lets imagine Hiko as a Power Puff Girl."
Saitou puts a finger to his lips and contemplates. The host puts a finger on her cheek tilting her head onto her finger. The audience takes a moment to reflect on this vision. Then suddenly everyone in the room screams out "KAAAAAAAAAAWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!"
"18. What do you think of fan fics?"
"I like the ones where I'm kicking ass and taking names"
"oh well who doesnt? 19.Do you have any favorite musicians?"
"George Micheal"
"Saitou thats so not badass"
"Isn't it badass that I said it and didn't care?"
"Yes...I suppose youre right."
"Of course I am"
"20. If you could get a tattoo what would it be."
"Hmm well it would either be of a bowl of Soba, the shinsengumi flag, or a wisteria."
"21. And where would you put it."
"On my ass of course."
"Of course.22. Do you look at all the lovely people?"
"And wonder where they all come from? Yes"
"23. If you could be anywhere, where would it be?"
In a growling tone with teeth and eyes flashing. A visualization of wolf ears and a tail goes through the hosts eyes." INSIDE SANO" he growled.
Sano in the audience leans his head down ever so slightly. "I wish he were here too." Tokio patted him on the back comforting him. While Kenshin who sat behind him harshly whispered at Sano" WELL I'M HERE! Why not wish I were there!?" Kaoru punched Kenshin in the head, answering his question for Sano.
"24. Have you seen my remote?"
"Have you checked your back pocket?"
The host stands up revealing a little black remote potruding out from her pants pocket."Oh...25. Do you have any favorite games?"
"The game of LOVE!"
Everyone makes a groan of disbelief. Sano mutters to himself "Oh that was so lame..."
Contorting her face into absolute fury. The host harshly askes Saitou.
"26. Do you hate X-men evolution too?"
"YES I DO!"
They both turn to the camera and glare. Then return back to their normal state.
"27. If I were to say "HASHIRE!" what would you do?"
"I would say KAGAYAKE!"
Together"HIKATEMESEROOOOOOOUUUU!!!" Sano "Nya..."
"28. How does your hair stay down so tightly and keep that lovely sheen?"
"You've seen Something About Mary right?"
"Yes but I dont see what that........oh.... EW!!!"
"Just kidding. I use hair gel of course."
"29. Now I want your honest opinion. Saitou, does this jacket make me look fat?"
"Yes your hips look like they're two flanks of a cow and your gut looks like its hanging out from too much sake."
"You're so truthful....I think I hate you"
Sano leaps up and yells"HAHA TAKE THAT BITCH!"
"I was only kidding"
"oh"
Sano grumpily sits back down in his seat.
"Okay Final question. And this one's a Doozy"
"Shoot"
"30. Do you know what time it is?" She said as she started to unbutton her jacket.
"Yes I do" Saitou replied as he began to pull off his jacket and then his shirt.
"ITS NAKED TIME!" They yelled in unison. Soon half of the people in the audience, including the stage crew were wearing less than their skivvies. Saitou had now run up to Sano andbegan tugging off his pants. Sano screached."SAITOU NOT HERE!!!"
The host turn to the camera"Thank you for joining us at Wonderful World of Badass Bishounen. Until next time when our guests will be Iori Yagami and Kyo Kusanagi! Good Fight Good Night"

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Please for the love of Saitou's underwear review me. Tell me how you want your fifteen minutes of your life back. ANYTHING! I will take ANYTHING!