VII

It was as good as ever it was to see my uncle again. Shortly after his arrival - the morning after my wife ensured she would never be forgotten at the court of Minas Tirith - my uncle and I walked out down the keel, and we laughed at Éowyn's peerless style of diplomacy. When we reached the far end of the keel, we stood for a while companionably looking at the city and out across the Pelennor. The day was bright, but a sharp wind was coming from the north, and I was glad for my wife's sake that autumn seemed to be coming at last.

'How are you, Faramir?' my uncle said quietly, in time.

I looked at him sideways. 'Do you ask about something particular, or is this a general enquiry? If the latter, then I am well and happy, and blessed with a wife and son who fill my heart with joy. I could easily be judged the luckiest man alive.'

'And if my question was directed towards the particular?' He leaned his hands on the wall before him. 'Your letter near frightened the life from me.'

'I should think you were not half so scared as I!' I joked.

'How have you been?' he said again, looking at me closely.

I sighed, for I did not like to dwell upon this matter, but my uncle deserved answers. 'I could say that it barely affects me. The Ithilien company copes so well without my direct involvement it is almost insulting!' Then I gave him a rueful smile. 'I never wanted to be a soldier. You know that. Yet now it comes to it, I am surprised at how much I miss it.'

'It took up most of your life.'

'And how I resented it!' I answered, and then became more thoughtful. 'I imagine we always prefer to have a choice in these matters.'

'And is Éowyn content now with the changes this has meant for you both? I knew - even before her impressive demonstration yesterday - that she does not much care for Minas Tirith.'

I did not reply. His eyes widened.

'Have you still not told her? Faramir, it is almost a year! Surely she deserves some explanation? This does not affect just you!'

I sighed. 'She was ill...'

'And now she is not! You must tell her!'

I leaned on the wall beside him and looked out eastwards across the fields whose defence had cost me so dear. 'I shall,' I decided. 'Very soon.'

But as the days went by, and September turned into October, the opportunity never seemed to arise. For we were going to war, and our preparations took up most of my time and energies, since not all was going smoothly. But Éowyn seemed to be coming to terms with our new way of life, more interested in our son, and able to ride again, and I did not much want to unsettle her. And I was so busy that it was a shock to see that October was drawing to a close, and that the armies and their captains would be leaving within the week.

The Council meetings became longer as time ran short, and more intense, and it was rare that any of us got a full night's sleep. Two days before the date of departure, the whole Council was once again sealed in together. The King, my uncle and I had not left the night before until three or four hours after midnight and, by the afternoon, my uncle was uncharacteristically terse in his speech, the King seemed not to have stopped smoking for hours, and my own incessant twisting of my silver ring was irritating even me. And as I sat there, it seemed to me suddenly that I perceived our deliberations and calculations as they truly were, as flesh and blood and bone, and I felt false; that a man such as I was now could not in good conscience sit and blithely send to their deaths other, braver men. I heard a faint ringing in my ears which grew rapidly louder and then, through the clamour of the retreat down the Causeway Road, my own voice came, by some miracle quite calm.

'My lords, I feel the need for some air. Please excuse me.'

As I rose, I saw the King and my uncle exchange a look, but I turned quickly and left the chamber. I made for a quiet passageway which I had often used as a haven after taking a beating in council from my father, and stood there with my fingers pressed to my temples, until the pounding in my ears subsided. But I felt the first grinding of what I knew would soon become a severe headache.

I heard slow footsteps approaching, and looked up to see my uncle, who knew this hideaway of mine from old. His eyes widened slightly as he looked on my face.

'You are as white as a ghost!' he exclaimed.

'Aye, and feel about as lively,' I said weakly.

'Are you going to faint?' he said, resting his hand on my arm.

'I do not believe so,' I managed.

'Has this happened in council before?'

'Never.'

'You must go home and rest,' he said, and tried to make me move.

'I cannot simply abandon the session - !'

'Indeed you can!'

I put a hand back to my face. 'Besides,' I added at length, unwilling to make the admission, 'Éowyn will be at home.'

He made an exasperated noise, released my arm, and looked at me in frank disbelief. 'Have you still not told her? Faramir, this is sheer madness - '

'If you would oblige me, uncle, I would prefer if we had this particular conversation when I am better able to argue with you.'

Then I heard more footsteps. The King had joined us. He looked at me with deep concern, his eyes moving across my face. 'Go home,' he said softly. 'Rest until the morning.'

'I am not ill!' I protested desperately, pressing my hand down hard on the top of my head which, as my voice rose, seemed to crack open a little wider.

'That is precisely what you are,' he said. 'I will command you if I have to, Faramir.'

So I obeyed but, before I left, I turned back to face them, leaning for a moment on the wall. 'How,' I asked quietly, 'can I sit in Minas Tirith, and give out orders to men - orders that may kill them - that I am not prepared to follow myself?' And my uncle dropped his eyes from my face, but the King gazed back steadily and with compassion; and then I turned and went.

I stole into the house but, mercifully, it turned out that Éowyn was not there. I considered going to our chamber, but I did not know when she would return, and I did not want to face questions about why I was in bed in the middle of the afternoon. So I went into my study, where she least likely to come and where there was a comfortable couch which I often lay upon to read, and, with great relief, I stretched out on it as much as I could, pressed my knuckles against my eyes to help with my throbbing head and waited to fall asleep. It took a while, for I lay worrying that this had happened not out on patrol, or even visiting the men, but here in the peace and safety of the citadel; but, at last, I drifted off into a sleep that was deep and blessedly dreamless.

When I woke it was late in the evening. Most of the headache had cleared, and there remained just a slight heaviness behind my eyes. I sat on the edge of the couch, rubbed my eyes and the back of my neck, and ran a hand through my hair, then went out and saw a light on in the room across the hallway. I pushed open the door, and there was my wife, stretched out comfortably, reading.

She looked up at me in surprise. 'You are early home,' she said. ' Have you been back long?'

'A little while,' I said.

'You must hear of the horror that was my afternoon,' she said, putting her book down, 'and all on your account.' Although her face looked stern, I recognized the gleam in her eyes.

'Tell me,' I said, and smiled at her, for I loved her dearly in this mood, and I was certain it would make a better story than any I could recount of my own afternoon. 

'I spent the time attempting to win back the good favour of the Lady Fíriel. We talked - or, I should say - she talked about all manner of important things. Which fabric merchants in the city might cheat me. Who married who but who they should have married instead. And the doings of her little boy, who is, I must say, the most disgracefully indulged beast I have ever encountered. You can imagine the extent of my interest in all these matters.' She glared at me. 'And all so that you might look her husband in the eye again.'

'I am honoured by my lady's great sacrifice.' 

Then she looked at me more closely. 'Have you been asleep?'

'For a little while, in my study.' She moved her legs beneath her and I sat down next to her and leaned my head on her shoulder. She began stroking my hair, and it helped a great deal with what remained of my headache. I closed my eyes.

'You work too hard,' she murmured. 'And you worry too much.'

I opened my eyes and twisted my head to look at her questioningly.

'I recognize this line,' she said, and traced a finger across my brow. And I bit my lip, and drew a deep breath, and decided that this was the moment to explain all to her.

But before I could speak, she started again. 'But there is one good outcome from today,' she said playfully, 'for as a result I believe I may have found a new sport. Not so dear to me as riding, of course, but still I think I may find a great deal of entertainment in it. I have decided to award marks to these good ladies, depending on the foolishness of their opinions, the dullness of their subject matter, or the hideousness of their children. And this way, by the end of our stay here, I shall have determined beyond doubt who is the most ridiculous woman in Minas Tirith.' Then she stroked the side of my face, and her eyes now were completely serious. 'And this, my love, in case it is not plain enough - and I believe that on occasion we do not speak to each other plainly enough - is my way of telling you that while I shall not be truly happy until we return home, still, for the sake of both of us and the child, I shall try not to be miserable while we are here.'

And since this moment of peace between us was such a great comfort to me and because I still did not feel entirely well, I simply heaved a deep sigh of relief, rested my head back against her, and did not speak. And, later that night, when I woke shouting from a nightmare in which I was being pressed back harder and harder against the city walls and was trying to scream but could not make a sound, she took my head into her arms again, and so comforted me as I wept, and then we went back to sleep with her curled into me and me about her, as we had done at the beginning.

The next morning, despite the dream, I woke feeling rested and well. When I went to meet the Council, very early, the King drew me aside for a moment, and I felt a stab of guilt, since he appeared not to have slept at all.

'You look much better, I am glad to see,' he said.

'Thank you, my lord, I am.'

'Forgive my bluntness, but you know how short time is now. Will it happen again?'

It could not be a matter of small concern for him that he was leaving his kingdom in the stewardship of a man prone to unexpected collapses.

'I cannot say it will not,' I replied, 'but I am coming to understand what may cause it.'

'A typically succinct analysis,' he said with a dry smile. 'I have every confidence in you, Lord Steward.' He patted my arm, a little absently, and then we made our way towards the White Tower. Ahead of us, the rest were beginning to go in, but then I heard a voice behind me, calling my name.

'My Lord Faramir!' I turned to see that my wife was running towards me, and she seemed distraught. Her hair was wild and there were tears coming down her face. I hastened to meet her, and put my hands on her arms.

'Éowyn, what is the matter? Are you ill? Has something happened to Elboron?'

'No, no! Nothing of that sort! But I must speak to you at once!'

I glanced behind me, and saw all the lords of the council looking on curiously. 'I tried to calm her. 'Please, Éowyn, control yourself. Tell me calmly what the matter is.'

'Control myself!' Her voice was becoming louder. 'I am not a child!'

'You are behaving like one,' I hissed.

She looked at me in fury, then shook me off and shoved me away from her, and turned and ran back to the house.

The King came to stand next to me. 'Be back here within ten minutes,' he said, and his tone was unreadable.

I was both furious and mortified as I strode off in pursuit of my wife. Between us, in recent days, the Lord and Lady of Emyn Arnen had caused more disruption to the conduct of our war than any enemy had yet had the chance.

She was sitting on the bed waiting when I entered.

'Lady,' I said, and I did not disguise my anger, 'You have done me a great injustice, and before all the lords of the realm - '

'The lords of the realm! What of them? Am I not thy wife?'

'I am not thy adjunct, Éowyn! I am steward of this realm; aye, as much as I am thy husband!'

'Yea, and my lord. And I should defer to thy will, no doubt?'

'In this I would require it as your duty to me, yes.'

She rose and began pacing the room. 'And again it comes to this,' she said bitterly. 'I am to be no more than a pawn in the hands of men, to be shunted around - and aside - at the will of those who deem themselves better placed to judge my interests. This, I should think, is how thy mother felt, trapped in a stone city with naught but screaming babes and chattering girls to distract her, and a husband too besotted with duty to speak to her!'

When I could speak again, my voice was thick with rage. 'Whatever thy complaint, my lady, domesticity has not diminished thy aim. It is still deadly.'

She approached me, to pacify me, and I drew back deliberately. 'We shall speak no more now,' I said. 'The Council is in session, and I have duties to perform, regardless of the will of the Lady of Emyn Arnen.' And so I left.

It was long after midnight when I returned, and I went with a sinking heart into our chamber. And there she was still, sitting on a chair by the side of the bed, waiting for me. I wasted no time.

'While I am prepared to indulge your temper when directed towards foolish women who deserve no better, your display today - before the King and the Council - I cannot accept.'

She did not reply, but picked up a hairbrush, and began toying with it, pressing its bristles into the palm of her hand.

'Am I at least judged worthy of an explanation?'

She remained silent, but started brushing her long golden hair; swift, savage movements. I sighed and tried a different approach. 'If you could just tell me what it was that upset you so - '

'I believe I am having another child,' she said; and, with a clatter, threw the brush down.

I looked at her in disbelief. 'And this is your ill news?' I began to pace the room. 'Do you lack any sense of proportion?'

She gave me a startled look. 'I beg your pardon?'

'This is why you disturbed a council of war? Éowyn, you were in a state so desperate, I thought our son was dead!'

She looked away from me, shaking her head, apparently as incredulous of my words as I was of hers.

'Surely this news is good?' I ventured.

'I am barely recovered from last time!'

'Then I shall do all in my power to make you comfortable. What is it you want, Éowyn?'

'I want to return to Emyn Arnen. I cannot stay in this city - '

'This was not what you said to me yesterday - '

'Yesterday I was not faced with the prospect of this burden!'

'Burden...?' I said, but for the moment let it pass. 'My lady, leaving aside that I would have hoped you would prefer to remain with me - since that is clearly untrue - I can at least point out that with the armies going east, Ithilien's company is greatly reduced. I cannot defend you properly in Emyn Arnen.'

'I thank you for your concern, sir, but I can defend myself without your aid. I am well able to judge what is best for my own protection. And I deem Ithilien safe enough for me.'

'Forgive my mistrust of your judgement, madam, but one battle, however critical, does not make you a soldier. When you have spent twenty years in the army, then I shall take account of your thoughts on the defence of Ithilien.' 

'You are hardly a soldier, sir!' she shot back, and stood up to face me.

It was like a slap across the face. 'What?'

'A man who chooses home above battle? Who will not touch a sword? That is not what I would call soldierly.'

'What then would you call it? And, pray, do not hold back, by any means!'

'Then, by your command, I shall not. I call it undutiful. Dishonourable. And, yea, I shall use the word - I call it cowardly.'

I felt my face harden to stone. 'This, then, is your opinion of a man who does not ride to war?'

'Yes, sir, it is.'

'I am glad, madam, that you have taken the trouble to speak to me so plainly,' and my voice was so cold I barely recognized it as my own. 'For now it permits me to speak my mind also. I at least am happy to learn that we are to be blessed with another child. But I have no compunction in sharing with you my very low opinion of a woman who abhors her children.'

And with that, we stood and looked upon each other, and she was shaking, and my hands were clenched tight beside me. And after a few moments standing that way, I turned and left the room, for I no longer had any desire to be near her. I went to a chamber at the far end of the house and I slept very badly.

The following morning, I went out along the keel to watch the departure of the captains and the armies. After a little while, I saw that my wife had come out also, but we did not greet each other, and we stood apart for the whole time it took for the companies to pass beyond the Rammas. And then, without a word exchanged between us, she turned and went back to the Steward's house, and I made my way to the White Tower.

***

A/N: I've got a busy weekend up ahead, so I probably won't update for a bit (although I'm so addicted to writing this story that you may get something sooner). In the meantime, I leave you with this cheerful bit of TSE that was swimming around my head as I wrote this chapter:

'Speak to me. Why do you never speak? Speak.

What are you thinking of? What thinking? What?

I never know what you are thinking. Think.'

I think that we are in rats' alley

Where the dead men lost their bones.

Oh, and this time I have a soundtrack suggestion! - which is Susanne Vega's most recent album Songs in Red and Gray, which is full of less than jolly songs about the break-up of her marriage.

Have a great weekend!

Altariel