Chapter Nine

She crumpled up against the side of the wall as sobs wracked her body. "He never told me…oh, Houjun…he never told me…"

He looked away and tried to stop the burning in his throat. "He needs you now, more than ever."

*End of Flashback

That's right…I told Kourin everything…she knows now…

Knows what? his heart answered bitterly, that my best friend has terminal cancer? For a long moment, he just sat there and wished with all his heart it was only a bad dream, a dream he would wake up from sooner or later. Too bad dreams were also illusions.

He swung his legs over the side of the bed and took a deep breath, catching his reflection out of the corner of his eye, and turning to face the mirror. "God, I'm messed up," he spoke detachedly to himself, reaching up to push his fringe out of his slightly swollen eyes.

Just then, the door opened, and he started, involuntarily half-rising from the sheets. A mix of emotions flooded him as Kourin peered around the doorway, a small tray in her hands as she pushed the door open with her foot.

"I brought you breakfast."

He nodded in acknowledgement and stood to take the tray from her, while his thoughts raced forward so fast he felt like he was sitting there watching himself think. So what happens from here? Where do things go? Where is Hikou?

She seemed to read his mind. Standing before him, her eyes were focused on anything but him, mostly staring determinedly at the floor, occasionally darting up to land on irregular spots on the walls.

"Will you—will you help me find Hikou later?" she asked softly. "There are many things I—I have to explain to him. I need to see him face to face."

He looked away. "You know I will."

When Kourin had left the room, closing the door noiselessly behind her, he whirled and set the tray down on the bed, seating himself carefully beside it and then picking up a piece of toast. The selfish thoughts he had been trying to push away came back in full force, and he found himself nervously picking at his food more than he was eating it.

Will Genrou ever come back to me?

Of course he will, the other part of him responded instantly. Genrou is an understanding person…he'll know that Kourin only did what she did because of her own problems with Hikou.

But he knew, deep in his heart, that it was not all Kourin's fault. No, the thing which had most broken his lover's heart, he knew, had been his arms unconsciously lifting up to encircle his childhood friend, his hands splayed casually on her lower back. He knew, because he had seen Genrou's eyes drop to his frozen hands, seen the anguish and deep, deep hurt there.

I wasn't thinking. He groaned aloud and took another bite, viciously as the sharp truth of his own misgivings slammed into his head. I was never sure of myself, me and Genrou, was I?

He finished eating, and with a sigh, stretched out on the bed. Despair was fast threatening to overcome his coherent thoughts, but at least he knew now. If there had to be any reason why this had to happen… I know what it is. I'm sure of it now, Genrou. I know what I want. He heard Kourin bustling about outside, and hurried to get ready.

I'll get you back, Genrou.

The door flung open, and Kourin stood there with the cordless phone hanging limply from her loose clasp, in tears.

"Houjun! I can't find him!"