CHAPTER FIFTY-TWO
Adjustments
As it turned out, Willow was the one who took things in hand. She had the advantage over Buffy of not being so emotionally involved. The Slayer was still trying hard to take in what had happened to her boyfriend.
After Xander and Anya left for their respective day jobs, Willow's first act was to get William fed. He was obviously weak and they were sure he'd had no nourishment in at least two days. Willow set Buffy to making him a sandwich. Then she pulled William in from the livingroom. Tara and Buffy stood back by the refrigerator and let Willow be in charge.
"Now," Willow said, putting on a commanding voice. William had mentioned his mother so many times since he'd been rescued that she was pretty sure he had respect for female authority. "As we've said, you've been very sick and the first thing we need to do is get you to eat. Buffy has made a nice sandwich for you. But there's one thing more you have to have. As you've seen, you have a very bad allergy to the sun. And you've lost your memory. So, the doctor has prescribed a very special drink for you, full of special vitamins and medicines that you have to drink at every meal. No exceptions." She pulled out a chair for him at the counter island and Buffy slid the ham sandwich in front of him. William sat down as Willow went to the fridge and pulled out a bag of blood. "Buffy, could you get him his mug?"
Buffy handed her the smiley face mug that had become Spike's official mug.
"Thank you," Willow said. As she poured, she wondered if this would go down easier cold or warm. Usually Spike liked it warm, but in his present state, who knew? "OK," she said. "I don't know whether you'll like this cold or warm. The doctor said you could have it either way. Try it and see."
William took the mug and peered in at its contents. He made a face as he saw the red liquid lap softly at the sides, leaving a very unappetizing film. "What is this?" he asked uncertainly.
"A special high vitamin drink."
"And may I ask what kind of doctor you conferred with?"
"A specialist. You've got a very bad allergy, you see. It's very rare and as you've seen it's very dangerous. You've absolutely got to stay out of the sun."
"Absolutely," Tara agreed.
"Oh, yes!" Buffy chimed in."
"But you can feel free to go out at night," Willow said. "Although since you don't know our country and you've been sick, it might be better if you didn't go out alone. Now, drink your medicine."
William made another face and took a tentative sip. Then he made an even bigger face. "I can't drink this," he said, shoving it back at Willow.
"You will drink it and you will finish it. Maybe, though, we could try it warmed up. Uh, Buff?" Willow handed the mug off to Buffy. "Maybe you know best how warm it should be."
"Sure," Buffy said.
While the blood was warming, William stared longingly at the sandwich.
"You can't have that until you drink your medicine," Willow said.
William put on the face of a sad little boy as he took back the mug. He closed his eyes tight and took another sip. He made another grimace as he swallowed, "It's better this way. But, still . . ."
"Don't talk. Drink," Willow commanded.
William put on another sad little boy expression and did as he was told, even though he seemed to be on the edge of gagging several times.
"That's a good boy," Willow said as he finally drained the last drop. "Now, you can have your sandwich."
"Oh, thank you," William said gratefully. "I hate to bother you. But could I possibly have a spot of tea to go with it?"
"Of course," Willow said. She motioned to Tara to take care of that.
While William was eating, the ladies retired to the livingroom.
"Well, that wasn't too bad," Tara said.
"Not at all," Willow said. "I think we can handle this."
"You mean you can," Buffy said. "I was rather useless in there."
"It'll get easier," Willow said.
"He may even start to like the blood after a while," Tara said. "And when that happens, it'll mean that he's starting to return to himself."
The rest of the day went pretty easily. William requested a change of clothing, but Willow explained that his luggage had been lost during the ocean crossing. "What you're wearing now," she said "are some American clothes belonging to a friend of Buffy's. I'm sure she can bring the rest of his things down to you."
Buffy brought the rest of the items that Spike kept in her room. But William didn't seem particularly happy about the selection. He didn't say anything because he considered it very nice of them to lend him clothes. But he really wished he had something more to his taste.
In the early afternoon, they introduced him to the "new American invention" of television. But William seemed much more interested in Buffy's mom's books. Joyce had had an artistic soul and her books were a nicely rounded collection of literature and poetry with several art books thrown in as well. William pulled several out and tried to read them. But he said that being without his glasses made reading difficult.
Finally, they suggested he take a nap because he looked so tired. Buffy said he could sleep in her room, but he categorically refused.
"Oh, no!" William said, seemingly horrified. "I could never under any circumstances invade the privacy of a lady's room. I will be quite content if you will allow me instead to rest on your chaise."
Buffy agreed, but William didn't notice the expression of loss on her face. Tara did, though. As Willow got him settled in with a couple of pillows and a light blanket, Tara pulled Buffy back under the stairs.
"This is going to be very hard for you, isn't it?" Tara asked. "Having him home, but not having him. If you know what I mean."
Buffy's eyes were filled with hurt. "He acts like a stranger to me. Willow seems to have more of a connection with him than I do."
"She's just good at being bossy." Tara put her hand comfortingly on her friend's shoulder. "It'll get better, Buffy. I know it will."
"I hope so."
When Dawn and Zachary came in from school for their daily study and snack, William was still snoozing on the couch.
"Hello!" Dawn called at the door, "I'm home. Zack's here too. Anybody here?" Before she was even able to shrug out of her jacket, the grownups were upon her, pulling her off into the kitchen.
"Shhh. He's sleeping," Willow said.
"Who's sleeping?" Dawn asked trying to see behind her. Unfortunately, Tara's head was in the way.
"It's Spike," Willow said. "Only it's not Spike." And she launched into the story they'd agreed on giving Zachary. "You see. Spike's had an accident. And the shock of it has caused him to lose his memory. He now thinks he's a whole lot younger, just out of school from the U.K. And he doesn't know any of us."
"Yeah," Tara said. "And sometimes he can't even remember what year it is."
"What kind of accident was he in?" Zachary asked.
"A car crash," Willow answered. "Head trauma. So he also has a little trouble with his eyesight. He keeps thinking he's missing his glasses because his vision is fuzzy. But of course he doesn't remember that he doesn't need glasses."
"That sounds terrible," Zachary said.
"Yes," Tara agreed. "Yes, it is."
"The doctor told us that they don't know when his memory will return. So, till it does, please try and humor him as much as possible."
"Of course," Zachary said. "No problem."
"He's resting now. So try and be a quiet."
"Oh, yeah, of course."
Zachary had obviously bought this entire story. Dawn, however, had not. "Zack," she said, looking at her sister and housemates suspiciously, "why don't you go in and set up. I'll get the snacks."
"Sure." Zachary took Dawn's books and headed off for the diningroom.
"So," Dawn said, "what's going on? Where did you find Spike? And what's really wrong with him?"
Buffy took up the narrative this time. She thought it best that Dawn should hear it from her. "So," she concluded, "He wants us to call him William. And we're going to have to do our best to make him comfortable until his memory returns."
Suddenly the ladies heard male laughter coming from the diningroom. They exchanged surprised expressions and immediately ran out. Dawn was well in the lead with Buffy not far behind. They found Zachary and William sitting companionably side by side at the dining table. Evidently they'd been discussing the Dickens book that Zachary was carrying, "David Copperfield."
Buffy wondered vaguely if there was anything funny about "David Copperfield."
"What are you two talking about," Dawn asked, taking her usual seat at the head of the table, in the chair nearest the kitchen.
"Just aspects of Dickens," Zachary said. "Spike says he's read all of his works."
"Oh, yes," William said. "All of them. Although I've always been of the opinion that they were written more for the masses. Especially that shorter work of his, 'A Christmas Carol.' Still there are good things to be found within. And please young man, call me William."
"OK. Be glad to. You can call me Zack."
William spent the better part of the next two hours sitting with Dawn and her boyfriend, discussing their school work and various writers that he was interested in. As soon as Zachary left for home, Dawn pulled Buffy upstairs to tell her a few tidbits.
"Spike says he writes poetry," Dawn told her sister.
"You're joking," Buffy said.
"No. Really. He recited some for us. I mean it was pretty bad. But Zachary said he would read him the piece he was working on for class tomorrow."
"Spike . . . a poet?" Buffy repeated. It was totally beyond her imaging.
"And you should have seen his face while he was reciting. He was really into it. It was all this romantic stuff with all these really long words."
"I can't see it."
"Oh, I don't know. I sort of can. You've got to admit Spike has always been a romantic."
Buffy remembered Spike talking to her in his crypt shortly after she'd returned from the dead. How he'd said that he saved her every night in his imagination. That was kind of poetic, even if it didn't rhyme.
"I'm guessing that Spike doesn't let most people see his poetic side much," Dawn continued. "Cos he's always trying to convince people he's the big bad."
So, Buffy thought, his vampire side tries to keep it hidden. But the poet is still part of the man he was. And it slips out occasionally when Spike shows his romantic side.
The rest of the night, however, was not so poetic. Willow continued to dominate William. She once again made him drink his "medicine." And ordered him to join everyone in front of the television as well. Buffy didn't even get to sit next to him. She thought about going patrolling but decided she wanted to stay close to home on his first night back. She suspected, though, that he really wouldn't have missed her even if she had been gone. He hardly glanced in her direction all evening.
As Willow and Tara started up to bed, Buffy told them that the next evening she would have to go down to Lindemann Avenue to watch over the last standing building. She'd promised the Shadows. "I could really use your help," Buffy said. "I'm going to call Xander and Anya about it tomorrow. With Spike out of commission, I can really use your backup."
"Of course," Willow said. "You know we'll help."
"What about me?" Dawn asked, coming up from behind.
"You'll stay here with William."
"Will he be babysitting me? Or will I be babysitting him?"
"A little of both, I think," Buffy answered. "Now get to bed." She turned back to Tara and Willow. "You guys have class tomorrow too, right?"
"Yeah," Tara said. But I could miss it if you think you'll need help with William."
"No. I'll be fine," Buffy said. Actually, she preferred being alone with him. Maybe if they spent some time together, it would strike a spark in his memory.
"Okey doke," Willow said. And the three ladies went upstairs.
Buffy wandered back toward the livingroom. William was carefully arranging the sheets that Tara had given him on the couch. As a final touch, he folded his blanket at what would be the foot of his bed. He was planning to sleep in his clothes because since Spike never slept in pajamas, they didn't have anything that would fit him. Though Spike might sleep in the nude, William obviously didn't.
"Is everything all right?" Buffy asked.
William jumped. He'd been lost in thought over a new composition that he planned to show young Zachary the next day. He had been under the impression that all the ladies had gone up to their respective boudoirs. He turned toward Buffy, his face flushed.
"I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to startle you."
"Quite all right," he said. "My mind was just somewhere else."
"I just thought maybe you'd want something."
"No. Thank you ever so much. I have everything that I might require."
"Good," Buffy said. Then she ran out of things to say and just stood there awkwardly.
William looked at her with puzzlement. There was obviously something he was missing and he couldn't tell what it was. Perhaps the young lady was waiting for him to express his gratitude. Of course. He was completely forgetting his manners. "I want to thank you, very kindly, for the wonderful hospitality that you and yours have bestowed on me," he said with a little bow.
For some reason, William's bow reminded Buffy of the little Nazari. "You're very welcome," Buffy said. "How do you think you're getting along? Are you feeling any better?"
Oh, William thought. She's concerned for my well being. She's a most considerate hostess. "I am feeling much better. I haven't exactly enjoyed taking that strange medicine the doctor prescribed, but Miss Willow has been right in insisting I take it. I think it has made me feel a good deal better."
"Good. And you've . . . been getting along with everybody?" Buffy brought her hands together and knotted her fingers nervously. She had an urge to grab him and throw him down on the couch. But she knew that was something that would give William a heart attack. That is, if he had a beating heart. Funny how his non-beating heart was one of the things that his subconscious mind was telling him not to pay any attention to.
"Everyone has been first rate with me, thank you," William said, with another little bow. He was starting to feel the pull between them and it embarrassed him. Like Buffy's sudden appearance in the doorway, it startled him. "I, uh, especially enjoyed the company of your sister and her friend Zachary. He's a first rate young man. If you'll forgive me, he rather reminds me of myself at that age."
Buffy's eyebrows took a trip up to her forehead. William thought he and Zachary were alike? It made sense. They certainly seemed drawn to each other that afternoon. But always before Spike had treated Zachary in a rather belittling manner. Was it just Spike's vampire side showing animosity to his nerdy side?
Silence feel between them again. Buffy shifted her feet. And William squinted, trying to see her more clearly.
"Well, I should let you get some sleep," Buffy said at last. "If you need anything, just call."
"I will."
And she departed to her lonely bedroom, leaving William to wonder.
Adjustments
As it turned out, Willow was the one who took things in hand. She had the advantage over Buffy of not being so emotionally involved. The Slayer was still trying hard to take in what had happened to her boyfriend.
After Xander and Anya left for their respective day jobs, Willow's first act was to get William fed. He was obviously weak and they were sure he'd had no nourishment in at least two days. Willow set Buffy to making him a sandwich. Then she pulled William in from the livingroom. Tara and Buffy stood back by the refrigerator and let Willow be in charge.
"Now," Willow said, putting on a commanding voice. William had mentioned his mother so many times since he'd been rescued that she was pretty sure he had respect for female authority. "As we've said, you've been very sick and the first thing we need to do is get you to eat. Buffy has made a nice sandwich for you. But there's one thing more you have to have. As you've seen, you have a very bad allergy to the sun. And you've lost your memory. So, the doctor has prescribed a very special drink for you, full of special vitamins and medicines that you have to drink at every meal. No exceptions." She pulled out a chair for him at the counter island and Buffy slid the ham sandwich in front of him. William sat down as Willow went to the fridge and pulled out a bag of blood. "Buffy, could you get him his mug?"
Buffy handed her the smiley face mug that had become Spike's official mug.
"Thank you," Willow said. As she poured, she wondered if this would go down easier cold or warm. Usually Spike liked it warm, but in his present state, who knew? "OK," she said. "I don't know whether you'll like this cold or warm. The doctor said you could have it either way. Try it and see."
William took the mug and peered in at its contents. He made a face as he saw the red liquid lap softly at the sides, leaving a very unappetizing film. "What is this?" he asked uncertainly.
"A special high vitamin drink."
"And may I ask what kind of doctor you conferred with?"
"A specialist. You've got a very bad allergy, you see. It's very rare and as you've seen it's very dangerous. You've absolutely got to stay out of the sun."
"Absolutely," Tara agreed.
"Oh, yes!" Buffy chimed in."
"But you can feel free to go out at night," Willow said. "Although since you don't know our country and you've been sick, it might be better if you didn't go out alone. Now, drink your medicine."
William made another face and took a tentative sip. Then he made an even bigger face. "I can't drink this," he said, shoving it back at Willow.
"You will drink it and you will finish it. Maybe, though, we could try it warmed up. Uh, Buff?" Willow handed the mug off to Buffy. "Maybe you know best how warm it should be."
"Sure," Buffy said.
While the blood was warming, William stared longingly at the sandwich.
"You can't have that until you drink your medicine," Willow said.
William put on the face of a sad little boy as he took back the mug. He closed his eyes tight and took another sip. He made another grimace as he swallowed, "It's better this way. But, still . . ."
"Don't talk. Drink," Willow commanded.
William put on another sad little boy expression and did as he was told, even though he seemed to be on the edge of gagging several times.
"That's a good boy," Willow said as he finally drained the last drop. "Now, you can have your sandwich."
"Oh, thank you," William said gratefully. "I hate to bother you. But could I possibly have a spot of tea to go with it?"
"Of course," Willow said. She motioned to Tara to take care of that.
While William was eating, the ladies retired to the livingroom.
"Well, that wasn't too bad," Tara said.
"Not at all," Willow said. "I think we can handle this."
"You mean you can," Buffy said. "I was rather useless in there."
"It'll get easier," Willow said.
"He may even start to like the blood after a while," Tara said. "And when that happens, it'll mean that he's starting to return to himself."
The rest of the day went pretty easily. William requested a change of clothing, but Willow explained that his luggage had been lost during the ocean crossing. "What you're wearing now," she said "are some American clothes belonging to a friend of Buffy's. I'm sure she can bring the rest of his things down to you."
Buffy brought the rest of the items that Spike kept in her room. But William didn't seem particularly happy about the selection. He didn't say anything because he considered it very nice of them to lend him clothes. But he really wished he had something more to his taste.
In the early afternoon, they introduced him to the "new American invention" of television. But William seemed much more interested in Buffy's mom's books. Joyce had had an artistic soul and her books were a nicely rounded collection of literature and poetry with several art books thrown in as well. William pulled several out and tried to read them. But he said that being without his glasses made reading difficult.
Finally, they suggested he take a nap because he looked so tired. Buffy said he could sleep in her room, but he categorically refused.
"Oh, no!" William said, seemingly horrified. "I could never under any circumstances invade the privacy of a lady's room. I will be quite content if you will allow me instead to rest on your chaise."
Buffy agreed, but William didn't notice the expression of loss on her face. Tara did, though. As Willow got him settled in with a couple of pillows and a light blanket, Tara pulled Buffy back under the stairs.
"This is going to be very hard for you, isn't it?" Tara asked. "Having him home, but not having him. If you know what I mean."
Buffy's eyes were filled with hurt. "He acts like a stranger to me. Willow seems to have more of a connection with him than I do."
"She's just good at being bossy." Tara put her hand comfortingly on her friend's shoulder. "It'll get better, Buffy. I know it will."
"I hope so."
When Dawn and Zachary came in from school for their daily study and snack, William was still snoozing on the couch.
"Hello!" Dawn called at the door, "I'm home. Zack's here too. Anybody here?" Before she was even able to shrug out of her jacket, the grownups were upon her, pulling her off into the kitchen.
"Shhh. He's sleeping," Willow said.
"Who's sleeping?" Dawn asked trying to see behind her. Unfortunately, Tara's head was in the way.
"It's Spike," Willow said. "Only it's not Spike." And she launched into the story they'd agreed on giving Zachary. "You see. Spike's had an accident. And the shock of it has caused him to lose his memory. He now thinks he's a whole lot younger, just out of school from the U.K. And he doesn't know any of us."
"Yeah," Tara said. "And sometimes he can't even remember what year it is."
"What kind of accident was he in?" Zachary asked.
"A car crash," Willow answered. "Head trauma. So he also has a little trouble with his eyesight. He keeps thinking he's missing his glasses because his vision is fuzzy. But of course he doesn't remember that he doesn't need glasses."
"That sounds terrible," Zachary said.
"Yes," Tara agreed. "Yes, it is."
"The doctor told us that they don't know when his memory will return. So, till it does, please try and humor him as much as possible."
"Of course," Zachary said. "No problem."
"He's resting now. So try and be a quiet."
"Oh, yeah, of course."
Zachary had obviously bought this entire story. Dawn, however, had not. "Zack," she said, looking at her sister and housemates suspiciously, "why don't you go in and set up. I'll get the snacks."
"Sure." Zachary took Dawn's books and headed off for the diningroom.
"So," Dawn said, "what's going on? Where did you find Spike? And what's really wrong with him?"
Buffy took up the narrative this time. She thought it best that Dawn should hear it from her. "So," she concluded, "He wants us to call him William. And we're going to have to do our best to make him comfortable until his memory returns."
Suddenly the ladies heard male laughter coming from the diningroom. They exchanged surprised expressions and immediately ran out. Dawn was well in the lead with Buffy not far behind. They found Zachary and William sitting companionably side by side at the dining table. Evidently they'd been discussing the Dickens book that Zachary was carrying, "David Copperfield."
Buffy wondered vaguely if there was anything funny about "David Copperfield."
"What are you two talking about," Dawn asked, taking her usual seat at the head of the table, in the chair nearest the kitchen.
"Just aspects of Dickens," Zachary said. "Spike says he's read all of his works."
"Oh, yes," William said. "All of them. Although I've always been of the opinion that they were written more for the masses. Especially that shorter work of his, 'A Christmas Carol.' Still there are good things to be found within. And please young man, call me William."
"OK. Be glad to. You can call me Zack."
William spent the better part of the next two hours sitting with Dawn and her boyfriend, discussing their school work and various writers that he was interested in. As soon as Zachary left for home, Dawn pulled Buffy upstairs to tell her a few tidbits.
"Spike says he writes poetry," Dawn told her sister.
"You're joking," Buffy said.
"No. Really. He recited some for us. I mean it was pretty bad. But Zachary said he would read him the piece he was working on for class tomorrow."
"Spike . . . a poet?" Buffy repeated. It was totally beyond her imaging.
"And you should have seen his face while he was reciting. He was really into it. It was all this romantic stuff with all these really long words."
"I can't see it."
"Oh, I don't know. I sort of can. You've got to admit Spike has always been a romantic."
Buffy remembered Spike talking to her in his crypt shortly after she'd returned from the dead. How he'd said that he saved her every night in his imagination. That was kind of poetic, even if it didn't rhyme.
"I'm guessing that Spike doesn't let most people see his poetic side much," Dawn continued. "Cos he's always trying to convince people he's the big bad."
So, Buffy thought, his vampire side tries to keep it hidden. But the poet is still part of the man he was. And it slips out occasionally when Spike shows his romantic side.
The rest of the night, however, was not so poetic. Willow continued to dominate William. She once again made him drink his "medicine." And ordered him to join everyone in front of the television as well. Buffy didn't even get to sit next to him. She thought about going patrolling but decided she wanted to stay close to home on his first night back. She suspected, though, that he really wouldn't have missed her even if she had been gone. He hardly glanced in her direction all evening.
As Willow and Tara started up to bed, Buffy told them that the next evening she would have to go down to Lindemann Avenue to watch over the last standing building. She'd promised the Shadows. "I could really use your help," Buffy said. "I'm going to call Xander and Anya about it tomorrow. With Spike out of commission, I can really use your backup."
"Of course," Willow said. "You know we'll help."
"What about me?" Dawn asked, coming up from behind.
"You'll stay here with William."
"Will he be babysitting me? Or will I be babysitting him?"
"A little of both, I think," Buffy answered. "Now get to bed." She turned back to Tara and Willow. "You guys have class tomorrow too, right?"
"Yeah," Tara said. But I could miss it if you think you'll need help with William."
"No. I'll be fine," Buffy said. Actually, she preferred being alone with him. Maybe if they spent some time together, it would strike a spark in his memory.
"Okey doke," Willow said. And the three ladies went upstairs.
Buffy wandered back toward the livingroom. William was carefully arranging the sheets that Tara had given him on the couch. As a final touch, he folded his blanket at what would be the foot of his bed. He was planning to sleep in his clothes because since Spike never slept in pajamas, they didn't have anything that would fit him. Though Spike might sleep in the nude, William obviously didn't.
"Is everything all right?" Buffy asked.
William jumped. He'd been lost in thought over a new composition that he planned to show young Zachary the next day. He had been under the impression that all the ladies had gone up to their respective boudoirs. He turned toward Buffy, his face flushed.
"I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to startle you."
"Quite all right," he said. "My mind was just somewhere else."
"I just thought maybe you'd want something."
"No. Thank you ever so much. I have everything that I might require."
"Good," Buffy said. Then she ran out of things to say and just stood there awkwardly.
William looked at her with puzzlement. There was obviously something he was missing and he couldn't tell what it was. Perhaps the young lady was waiting for him to express his gratitude. Of course. He was completely forgetting his manners. "I want to thank you, very kindly, for the wonderful hospitality that you and yours have bestowed on me," he said with a little bow.
For some reason, William's bow reminded Buffy of the little Nazari. "You're very welcome," Buffy said. "How do you think you're getting along? Are you feeling any better?"
Oh, William thought. She's concerned for my well being. She's a most considerate hostess. "I am feeling much better. I haven't exactly enjoyed taking that strange medicine the doctor prescribed, but Miss Willow has been right in insisting I take it. I think it has made me feel a good deal better."
"Good. And you've . . . been getting along with everybody?" Buffy brought her hands together and knotted her fingers nervously. She had an urge to grab him and throw him down on the couch. But she knew that was something that would give William a heart attack. That is, if he had a beating heart. Funny how his non-beating heart was one of the things that his subconscious mind was telling him not to pay any attention to.
"Everyone has been first rate with me, thank you," William said, with another little bow. He was starting to feel the pull between them and it embarrassed him. Like Buffy's sudden appearance in the doorway, it startled him. "I, uh, especially enjoyed the company of your sister and her friend Zachary. He's a first rate young man. If you'll forgive me, he rather reminds me of myself at that age."
Buffy's eyebrows took a trip up to her forehead. William thought he and Zachary were alike? It made sense. They certainly seemed drawn to each other that afternoon. But always before Spike had treated Zachary in a rather belittling manner. Was it just Spike's vampire side showing animosity to his nerdy side?
Silence feel between them again. Buffy shifted her feet. And William squinted, trying to see her more clearly.
"Well, I should let you get some sleep," Buffy said at last. "If you need anything, just call."
"I will."
And she departed to her lonely bedroom, leaving William to wonder.