CHAPTER FIFTY-NINE
Whispers
Tara's funeral the next evening was a simple and solemn affair with only a small service at the side of her grave. Willow and Dawn stood with their arms around each other crying openly. Zachary was just to their right, looking much more serious than his fifteen years. Anya tried not to cry, but ultimately failed. She leaned into Xander who occasionally buried his face in her hair. Buffy was able to control herself pretty well, but it was difficult. She stood with her head bowed low and her hands dropping down. William stood at her side and as the chapel minister began his prayers, he reached for her hand and held onto it all the way through.
Buffy grasped his hand tightly in return and didn't realize for some time that she was using full slayer strength. He seemed unconcerned, though, for he was returning her grasp with equal force. She looked up at him, searching for some hint of Spike. But his face was still possessed by William.
When it was done, Willow said she wanted to remain there alone. "I'll meet you at the house," she promised.
The others understood her need for privacy. One by one, they touched her or gave her an encouraging hug. Till finally, only Willow was left. Or at least that's what she thought. For in truth, Tara was there. She still wouldn't appear to her lover, but she reached out to Willow's mind as she had with Spike's the night before. Only in this case she couldn't get through. She could hear some of Willow's thoughts, but she couldn't make herself heard. Willow believed she had all the answers and so wouldn't let in any outside influence.
Tara heard Willow's plans to leave the cemetery and go directly to Rack's for more magical comfort. "No," Tara whispered. "Stay here with me or go back to Buffy's."
But Willow would not hear. She had come to think that magic was the answer to all of the world's problems. And if it couldn't fix things in this case, then at least it would lessen the pain. Resolutely she turned from Tara's grave toward Rack's. Tara realized that she had no intention of going back to Buffy's at all that night. She wanted to lose herself perhaps permanently in the pain killing properties of magic. Tara didn't follow because she couldn't bear to see what went on there.
Buffy, of course, didn't have an inkling of Willow's intentions. She waited up for her with William. One hour passed, then two. Finally Buffy could stand it no longer. "I'm going to go look for her," she said.
"Can I come?" William asked.
"No. You stay here with Dawn and make sure she gets to bed so she can go to school tomorrow."
William nodded and brushed back the hair from Buffy's face. His eyes were full of concern. What he really wanted to do was kiss her. But that was something he didn't think quite proper. Buffy gave him a trembling smile instead.
By that hour, the graveyard was abandoned. Even the vamps seemed to be off elsewhere. Tara's grave was filled in and the few bouquets they'd brought were sitting on top. Tara's spirit was still present. But of course Buffy couldn't see her.
"Where did Willow go?" Buffy asked the grave. "And what can I do for her?"
Tara reached out to Buffy's mind and found it very open. "There's nothing you can do for Willow tonight," she whispered to her friend's mind. "She's gone where you can't follow."
Fear gripped Buffy as she realized. "Rack."
"Tomorrow we'll see what we can do. Go home now."
Buffy obeyed the little voice in the back of her mind. It sounded like Tara. But that was something Buffy knew wasn't possible. Instead she believed it to be the voice of her own sub-conscious, telling her to be sensible and get back to Dawn. She had no idea that Tara really had been whispering to her and was even then following her home.
"I got Dawn to bed," William said when he met Buffy at the door. "Did you find her?"
"No. But I have a feeling I know where she went. It's just not a place I can go to." Buffy began pacing the room. "How am I supposed to deal with all this? How am I supposed to hold it all together all by myself?" Tears started escaping from her eyes.
William pulled her into his arms to comfort her. But before he knew what was happening, Buffy had pulled his mouth down to hers and was kissing him passionately, her tongue searching his mouth and her body pressing into his. A moan escaped from him as he felt the electricity pass between them. Buffy took this as a sign to go further. Her hands moved down his back and she rubbed intimately against him. His hands started to reciprocate, touching her in places that William had never touched a woman. He felt himself respond and as he did, he pulled away in shock, gasping for air. He was amazed at the power she had over him.
Buffy looked into his eyes and saw fear. This was more than she could take right then. She pushed him aside and ran upstairs, the tears flooding down. She was tired of being without him. Lonelier than she could ever remember being. She closed the door to her room and fell against it, still crying. The lights were out, but she didn't make any move to turn them on. The dark fitted her mood much better.
Downstairs, William was still in shock, at what they'd been doing, at what they were evidently about to do. But even more than that, he suddenly felt very tired. Standing at his side unseen, Tara was muttering an unheard spell. It was pulling him to the couch, urging him to sleep. For, it was during sleep that he would be more susceptible to suggestion. So would Buffy.
Upstairs, Buffy had moved to her bed and was now crying into her pillow. Tara, in her invisible state, had no trouble walking through the door of the room. She sat at Buffy's side and spoke softly to her mind. The Slayer was full of pain and exhaustion, too tired to fight back. "Sleep now," Tara crooned. "I think it's time you and Spike had a talk. He won't listen to anyone but you. I've tried talking to him but it hasn't worked. So, you must go. He needs to hear how you feel. Do you sense his mind? He's sleeping just downstairs. Reach out for him. What do you see?"
Buffy felt as if she were in a dream. "Mist. I see mist," she mumbled.
"Good. Now keep going on till you find yourself in the cemetery and then at Spike's crypt. Do you see it?"
"Mmm," Buffy answered.
"Good. Now go and talk to him."
Buffy walked up to the crypt door in her mind and knocked. There was no answer and the door wouldn't open. Still, she knew Spike was on the other side. "Spike?" she said. "I need you. I don't think I can go on anymore. I . . . I'm all alone here. And I don't want to be. I don't want to be without you anymore. I need you to come back. I need you to be annoying and give me advice when I don't want it. I need you to hold me and make love to me and fight at my side. William is nice. But I need all of you. Every irritating, wonderful bit of you. Please come back. I love you." Buffy started crying again. "I love you."
Buffy fell into a deep sleep after that and Tara left her.
A little while later, the door to her room opened and someone crept quietly in. He slipped off his shoes and his clothes, letting them fall in a haphazard line from the door to the bed. Then he pulled back the covers and wrapped himself around Buffy's sleeping form. She awoke to the feel of soft kisses on her neck and cool hands wandering over her body, making love to her. "Spike," she whispered.
"Shhh," he said, nuzzling her ear. "I love you too, Slayer."
- - - - - - - - - -
The high that Rack administered to Willow that night was the most powerful that he could deliver. He knew this was their one chance. They might never get another. Willow was a very powerful witch. If she realized for one second the truth about what they had done to Tara or what they intended to do to Buffy through her, there would be no controlling her. In fact, they and their entire plan might be destroyed. So the first step was to basically drug Willow through magic into a state of semi-consciousness. Then she would be open to suggestion.
Rack led Willow through a series of highs, each one more exotic and enticing than the one before. He showed her different dimensions and introduced her to the planetary worlds of the stars. She even imagined herself in bliss with Tara and in a state of limitless magical power. Of course this was all illusion. But Willow was not quite aware of that.
At last Rack felt she was totally disconnected from the real world. That's when he called for Doc. Rack left them alone so Doc could cast the next spell. First Doc set incense and crystals burning at five spots around her, each spot supposedly representing the point in a pentagram. Then he approached his prey.
At that point, Willow was imagining herself floating among the stars in the coldness of endless night. Doc closed his eyes and placed his hands gently on either side of her head, the lightness of his touch was a study in opposites when compared to the cruelty of his plan.
"Space is a lonely place," he whispered to her. Touching her allowed him to see what she saw and to feel what she felt. What he was doing was a cross between the mind contacting spell that Tara had used on Buffy and Spike, and the mind wiping Willow had performed on Tara, and the amnesia spell that she had performed on the Scoobies. However, Doc had had a thousand years of experience in this sort of thing. So he could also convince people of things and make them act in ways that they never would outside of his influence. Doc did not have the raw magic power of Willow. But he was quite gifted in certain arts, this one in particular.
"You are alone now, aren't you?" Doc said softly. "So sad. You're so young, with endless years stretching on ahead of you. Years filled with loneliness. Can you feel it? The endless loneliness? Tara's gone. And there will never be anyone else like her. Never. Poor lonely Willow. Endlessly alone."
Doc paused so he could sense more completely what Willow was feeling. He didn't see her lower lip trembling, but he could hear her crying out in her mind, a piercing cry of unspeakable loss.
"Yes, yes," Doc continued. "You cry. But who hears you? Do any of your friends? No. Xander is too caught up with Anya. And Buffy is too caught up in her new life with Dawn and Spike . . . a life that you gave her, I might add. Does Buffy really appreciate it? If not for you, she'd be cold and dead in the ground. Has she ever thanked you? Hmm? Has she?"
"No," Willow said, ". . . Well, yes. In a way. She did, but she didn't mean it."
"Didn't mean it? Explain."
"She said thank you at first. But that was because we all thought she was in Hell. That's why we brought her back. But it turned out she wasn't there."
"Indeed? And where was?" Doc had assumed she was in Hell too. Or perhaps in another dimension.
"She was in Heaven. She was actually sorry that we'd brought her back."
A wicked smile came to Doc's lips. He'd been thinking that he would try and twist it so that Willow would blame Buffy for Tara's death. But this was so much better because it played off something that was already in her mind. "So, she was sorry you brought her back. What a very sad shame. Heaven is a wonderful place. She must miss it a lot."
"But she has Spike now."
"Oh, but how can compare? Does she love him? Has she said that?"
"Well, she's never actually said it . . ."
"Then she probably doesn't. Love isn't the kind of thing you keep to yourself. She's probably just involved with him because she's lonely for Heaven. They don't have what you and Tara had. How could they? They could never be as close as the two of you. Or be as thoroughly in love. Don't you agree?"
Willow couldn't answer. Buffy and Spike hadn't been together long but . . . did that mean they didn't love each other . . . couldn't love each other? She couldn't think with Doc's voice whispering in her mind.
"You're questioning. Uncertain. But you know I'm right. Buffy and Spike don't love each other," Doc droned on. "Spike merely hangs around because he feels guilty for not having saved Dawn as he promised. He would probably prefer to be free. And Buffy only has him around to make her feel less lonely for Heaven, to pretend she has a life. What she really wants is to return to heaven. Don't you think? Buffy wants to return to Heaven?" He mentally prodded her.
"Buffy wants to return to heaven," Willow repeated. But her mind was still questioning.
"That's right. Buffy wants to return to Heaven and you want Tara to return to you. Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could grant both wishes? Wouldn't it?"
Willow moved her mouth but nothing came out.
"Of course it would," Doc answered. "Everybody would be happy then. You and Tara would be together. Buffy would be happy in Heaven. Spike would be free. Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could undo the spell that bought Buffy back? That would turn back time, you know. And then, Tara would be returned to you and Buffy would be returned to heaven. Don't you think that would be a good idea? It would really be the right thing to do, after all. And it would make everyone happy."
Willow said nothing. Her brain was having trouble accepting this. It was a seductive idea but still . . .
Doc sensed her doubt. No matter. This was only their first session. He hadn't expected to turn her to his way of thinking right away. It was the repeating of the message that would do it. And they had a week and a half before Imbolc. Of course he was lying. Undoing the resurrection spell would not alter time and bring Tara back. But what did that matter? They were only planning to keep Willow alive through the undoing of the spell and the opening of at least one of the Hell portals. If Glory couldn't return, at least he would complete part of her plan. And in the process he would return Buffy to the world of the dead and use the magic of her friend Willow to help open the portal. It was a plan with irony and neatness. Doc liked things neat.
Whispers
Tara's funeral the next evening was a simple and solemn affair with only a small service at the side of her grave. Willow and Dawn stood with their arms around each other crying openly. Zachary was just to their right, looking much more serious than his fifteen years. Anya tried not to cry, but ultimately failed. She leaned into Xander who occasionally buried his face in her hair. Buffy was able to control herself pretty well, but it was difficult. She stood with her head bowed low and her hands dropping down. William stood at her side and as the chapel minister began his prayers, he reached for her hand and held onto it all the way through.
Buffy grasped his hand tightly in return and didn't realize for some time that she was using full slayer strength. He seemed unconcerned, though, for he was returning her grasp with equal force. She looked up at him, searching for some hint of Spike. But his face was still possessed by William.
When it was done, Willow said she wanted to remain there alone. "I'll meet you at the house," she promised.
The others understood her need for privacy. One by one, they touched her or gave her an encouraging hug. Till finally, only Willow was left. Or at least that's what she thought. For in truth, Tara was there. She still wouldn't appear to her lover, but she reached out to Willow's mind as she had with Spike's the night before. Only in this case she couldn't get through. She could hear some of Willow's thoughts, but she couldn't make herself heard. Willow believed she had all the answers and so wouldn't let in any outside influence.
Tara heard Willow's plans to leave the cemetery and go directly to Rack's for more magical comfort. "No," Tara whispered. "Stay here with me or go back to Buffy's."
But Willow would not hear. She had come to think that magic was the answer to all of the world's problems. And if it couldn't fix things in this case, then at least it would lessen the pain. Resolutely she turned from Tara's grave toward Rack's. Tara realized that she had no intention of going back to Buffy's at all that night. She wanted to lose herself perhaps permanently in the pain killing properties of magic. Tara didn't follow because she couldn't bear to see what went on there.
Buffy, of course, didn't have an inkling of Willow's intentions. She waited up for her with William. One hour passed, then two. Finally Buffy could stand it no longer. "I'm going to go look for her," she said.
"Can I come?" William asked.
"No. You stay here with Dawn and make sure she gets to bed so she can go to school tomorrow."
William nodded and brushed back the hair from Buffy's face. His eyes were full of concern. What he really wanted to do was kiss her. But that was something he didn't think quite proper. Buffy gave him a trembling smile instead.
By that hour, the graveyard was abandoned. Even the vamps seemed to be off elsewhere. Tara's grave was filled in and the few bouquets they'd brought were sitting on top. Tara's spirit was still present. But of course Buffy couldn't see her.
"Where did Willow go?" Buffy asked the grave. "And what can I do for her?"
Tara reached out to Buffy's mind and found it very open. "There's nothing you can do for Willow tonight," she whispered to her friend's mind. "She's gone where you can't follow."
Fear gripped Buffy as she realized. "Rack."
"Tomorrow we'll see what we can do. Go home now."
Buffy obeyed the little voice in the back of her mind. It sounded like Tara. But that was something Buffy knew wasn't possible. Instead she believed it to be the voice of her own sub-conscious, telling her to be sensible and get back to Dawn. She had no idea that Tara really had been whispering to her and was even then following her home.
"I got Dawn to bed," William said when he met Buffy at the door. "Did you find her?"
"No. But I have a feeling I know where she went. It's just not a place I can go to." Buffy began pacing the room. "How am I supposed to deal with all this? How am I supposed to hold it all together all by myself?" Tears started escaping from her eyes.
William pulled her into his arms to comfort her. But before he knew what was happening, Buffy had pulled his mouth down to hers and was kissing him passionately, her tongue searching his mouth and her body pressing into his. A moan escaped from him as he felt the electricity pass between them. Buffy took this as a sign to go further. Her hands moved down his back and she rubbed intimately against him. His hands started to reciprocate, touching her in places that William had never touched a woman. He felt himself respond and as he did, he pulled away in shock, gasping for air. He was amazed at the power she had over him.
Buffy looked into his eyes and saw fear. This was more than she could take right then. She pushed him aside and ran upstairs, the tears flooding down. She was tired of being without him. Lonelier than she could ever remember being. She closed the door to her room and fell against it, still crying. The lights were out, but she didn't make any move to turn them on. The dark fitted her mood much better.
Downstairs, William was still in shock, at what they'd been doing, at what they were evidently about to do. But even more than that, he suddenly felt very tired. Standing at his side unseen, Tara was muttering an unheard spell. It was pulling him to the couch, urging him to sleep. For, it was during sleep that he would be more susceptible to suggestion. So would Buffy.
Upstairs, Buffy had moved to her bed and was now crying into her pillow. Tara, in her invisible state, had no trouble walking through the door of the room. She sat at Buffy's side and spoke softly to her mind. The Slayer was full of pain and exhaustion, too tired to fight back. "Sleep now," Tara crooned. "I think it's time you and Spike had a talk. He won't listen to anyone but you. I've tried talking to him but it hasn't worked. So, you must go. He needs to hear how you feel. Do you sense his mind? He's sleeping just downstairs. Reach out for him. What do you see?"
Buffy felt as if she were in a dream. "Mist. I see mist," she mumbled.
"Good. Now keep going on till you find yourself in the cemetery and then at Spike's crypt. Do you see it?"
"Mmm," Buffy answered.
"Good. Now go and talk to him."
Buffy walked up to the crypt door in her mind and knocked. There was no answer and the door wouldn't open. Still, she knew Spike was on the other side. "Spike?" she said. "I need you. I don't think I can go on anymore. I . . . I'm all alone here. And I don't want to be. I don't want to be without you anymore. I need you to come back. I need you to be annoying and give me advice when I don't want it. I need you to hold me and make love to me and fight at my side. William is nice. But I need all of you. Every irritating, wonderful bit of you. Please come back. I love you." Buffy started crying again. "I love you."
Buffy fell into a deep sleep after that and Tara left her.
A little while later, the door to her room opened and someone crept quietly in. He slipped off his shoes and his clothes, letting them fall in a haphazard line from the door to the bed. Then he pulled back the covers and wrapped himself around Buffy's sleeping form. She awoke to the feel of soft kisses on her neck and cool hands wandering over her body, making love to her. "Spike," she whispered.
"Shhh," he said, nuzzling her ear. "I love you too, Slayer."
- - - - - - - - - -
The high that Rack administered to Willow that night was the most powerful that he could deliver. He knew this was their one chance. They might never get another. Willow was a very powerful witch. If she realized for one second the truth about what they had done to Tara or what they intended to do to Buffy through her, there would be no controlling her. In fact, they and their entire plan might be destroyed. So the first step was to basically drug Willow through magic into a state of semi-consciousness. Then she would be open to suggestion.
Rack led Willow through a series of highs, each one more exotic and enticing than the one before. He showed her different dimensions and introduced her to the planetary worlds of the stars. She even imagined herself in bliss with Tara and in a state of limitless magical power. Of course this was all illusion. But Willow was not quite aware of that.
At last Rack felt she was totally disconnected from the real world. That's when he called for Doc. Rack left them alone so Doc could cast the next spell. First Doc set incense and crystals burning at five spots around her, each spot supposedly representing the point in a pentagram. Then he approached his prey.
At that point, Willow was imagining herself floating among the stars in the coldness of endless night. Doc closed his eyes and placed his hands gently on either side of her head, the lightness of his touch was a study in opposites when compared to the cruelty of his plan.
"Space is a lonely place," he whispered to her. Touching her allowed him to see what she saw and to feel what she felt. What he was doing was a cross between the mind contacting spell that Tara had used on Buffy and Spike, and the mind wiping Willow had performed on Tara, and the amnesia spell that she had performed on the Scoobies. However, Doc had had a thousand years of experience in this sort of thing. So he could also convince people of things and make them act in ways that they never would outside of his influence. Doc did not have the raw magic power of Willow. But he was quite gifted in certain arts, this one in particular.
"You are alone now, aren't you?" Doc said softly. "So sad. You're so young, with endless years stretching on ahead of you. Years filled with loneliness. Can you feel it? The endless loneliness? Tara's gone. And there will never be anyone else like her. Never. Poor lonely Willow. Endlessly alone."
Doc paused so he could sense more completely what Willow was feeling. He didn't see her lower lip trembling, but he could hear her crying out in her mind, a piercing cry of unspeakable loss.
"Yes, yes," Doc continued. "You cry. But who hears you? Do any of your friends? No. Xander is too caught up with Anya. And Buffy is too caught up in her new life with Dawn and Spike . . . a life that you gave her, I might add. Does Buffy really appreciate it? If not for you, she'd be cold and dead in the ground. Has she ever thanked you? Hmm? Has she?"
"No," Willow said, ". . . Well, yes. In a way. She did, but she didn't mean it."
"Didn't mean it? Explain."
"She said thank you at first. But that was because we all thought she was in Hell. That's why we brought her back. But it turned out she wasn't there."
"Indeed? And where was?" Doc had assumed she was in Hell too. Or perhaps in another dimension.
"She was in Heaven. She was actually sorry that we'd brought her back."
A wicked smile came to Doc's lips. He'd been thinking that he would try and twist it so that Willow would blame Buffy for Tara's death. But this was so much better because it played off something that was already in her mind. "So, she was sorry you brought her back. What a very sad shame. Heaven is a wonderful place. She must miss it a lot."
"But she has Spike now."
"Oh, but how can compare? Does she love him? Has she said that?"
"Well, she's never actually said it . . ."
"Then she probably doesn't. Love isn't the kind of thing you keep to yourself. She's probably just involved with him because she's lonely for Heaven. They don't have what you and Tara had. How could they? They could never be as close as the two of you. Or be as thoroughly in love. Don't you agree?"
Willow couldn't answer. Buffy and Spike hadn't been together long but . . . did that mean they didn't love each other . . . couldn't love each other? She couldn't think with Doc's voice whispering in her mind.
"You're questioning. Uncertain. But you know I'm right. Buffy and Spike don't love each other," Doc droned on. "Spike merely hangs around because he feels guilty for not having saved Dawn as he promised. He would probably prefer to be free. And Buffy only has him around to make her feel less lonely for Heaven, to pretend she has a life. What she really wants is to return to heaven. Don't you think? Buffy wants to return to Heaven?" He mentally prodded her.
"Buffy wants to return to heaven," Willow repeated. But her mind was still questioning.
"That's right. Buffy wants to return to Heaven and you want Tara to return to you. Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could grant both wishes? Wouldn't it?"
Willow moved her mouth but nothing came out.
"Of course it would," Doc answered. "Everybody would be happy then. You and Tara would be together. Buffy would be happy in Heaven. Spike would be free. Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could undo the spell that bought Buffy back? That would turn back time, you know. And then, Tara would be returned to you and Buffy would be returned to heaven. Don't you think that would be a good idea? It would really be the right thing to do, after all. And it would make everyone happy."
Willow said nothing. Her brain was having trouble accepting this. It was a seductive idea but still . . .
Doc sensed her doubt. No matter. This was only their first session. He hadn't expected to turn her to his way of thinking right away. It was the repeating of the message that would do it. And they had a week and a half before Imbolc. Of course he was lying. Undoing the resurrection spell would not alter time and bring Tara back. But what did that matter? They were only planning to keep Willow alive through the undoing of the spell and the opening of at least one of the Hell portals. If Glory couldn't return, at least he would complete part of her plan. And in the process he would return Buffy to the world of the dead and use the magic of her friend Willow to help open the portal. It was a plan with irony and neatness. Doc liked things neat.