Siko: *sits in an armchair by a roaring fireplace, eyes closed*
Voice: *whispers* Siko, you're on…
Siko: *snores loudly*
Voice: Siko!
Siko: *drools*
(someone fires a bazooka in her general direction)
Siko: *jumps up* AHHHHHHH! *is fried to a crisp in 2 seconds* …oro. *clears her throat, wipes some soot off of her face and smoothes out her hair, most of which falls to her feet in ashes* Aw, crap. ^^;; Hello, all! Welcome to yet another distorted fairy, brought to you by yours truly! *grabs a book titled 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarves' and holds it up* We'll see how many minutes it takes me to screw this up beyond recognition! But anyway, let's begin…
Long ago, like 5 days, in a far away land there lived a happy young boy named Aya Weiss…
(Aya is dressed as a widdle princess*awww!* glaring)
Aya: My name is Fujimiya! FUJIMIYA, YOU EVIL CHILD!
Ahem, anyway, Aya was a very *happy* child…that is until his parents (the king and queen, mind you) were bumped off by this stupid old man named Takatori from a rival kingdom-
Aya: You forgot about Aya-chan.
*sighs* And yes, of course, his little sister was run over by Takatori's horse-drawn carriage.
Aya: Can I say it now?
Go ahead…
Aya: Takatori…Shi-NE!
Now that that is behind us…little Aya had to live with his evil stepmother, Queen Schuldig(how he could have an evil stepmother when his father was married is beyond me, but work with me here, people!) who was very self-centered and liked to make Aya's life miserable.
(Aya, wearng an ugly patched up dress with dirt smudges all over his face is carrying 2 buckets full of water into the palace, surrounded by happy singing birds and deer that are carrying the hem of his dress)
Aya: *mutters* What did I ever do to deserve this?
(meanwhile in the palace…)
(Queen Schu is standing in front of his *magical* talking mirror and fixing his hair)
Schu: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the foxiest of them all?
Nagi-mirror: *sighs* For the 5, 000th frickin' time, it's you. Don't you ever get tired of asking me this?
Schu: *glares* I need to know that I'm the foxiest person in this kingdom so I can kill whoever if foxier than me so I'll be the foxiest! Not that anybody is…*smirks*
Nagi-mirror: *sighs and rolls eyes*
(but Aya was slowly becoming a very lovely pretty boy with a skinny, girlish figure and skin as white as snow. And it was on his 20th birthday that he truly blossomed into the bishounen that he is today…)
Schu: *combing his fingers through his hair, pouting into Nagi-mirror* Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the foxiest of them all?
Nagi-mirror: That would be Aya.
Schu: *a long moment of silence…*
Nagi-mirror: Well, that went relatively well.
Schu: *twitches* …WHAT did you say?
Nagi-mirror: I said that Aya's the foxiest in all of the kingdom.
Schu: STUPID MIRROR! I'LL KILL YOU!
Nagi-mirror: I'd like to see you try.
Schu: Argh! This can't be happening! How *dare* he try and be prettier than ME!
Nagi-mirror: Why are you telling me like I give a damn?
Schu: Oh, quiet you…now I have to waste 2 minutes of my precious time to think of a plan to get rid of this stupid brat…
Nagi-mirror: Why don't you just accept that he's prettier than you and move on?
Schu: It's the principle! Who could even think to allow themselves to be more beautiful than me?
Nagi-mirror: A lot of people, actually. And maybe you should have laid off the Starbucks Frappichinos for awhile…
Schu: *turns away and pinches his gut, finding that maybe Nagi-mirror was riiiiiiight…*
Schu: Oh, quiet you…*rubs his chin thoughtfully for a moment before an evil smirk crosses his face, along with a surge of quiet maniacal laughter…* …heheheheheh…hmhmhmhm…mwahahahaha…BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!
Nagi-mirror: Dammit, shut the hell up!
Schu: *glares* Don't talk to me like that, you're just a stupid mirror!
Nagi-mirror: Well, you're a stupid slut!
Schu: At least *I* can get some!
Nagi-mirror: …point taken.
(and so, the very next day, Queen Schu had one of his many *ahem* "subjects" take Aya deep into the woods, kill him and bring back his heart as proof of his death…unfortunately for him, the one he sent on this mission was Brad, who had kinda been seeing Aya on the side…)
Aya: *looking around at the scary trees and gloomy atmosphere * This is your idea of a romantic walk in the woods? …very good, Brad.
Brad: *nervous smile* Uh, yeah, of course…ah, look over there, it's a shrubbery!
Aya: Huh? Where?! *turns around to look as Brad pulls a knife from its sheath and advances on Aya with it* I don't see any shrubbery… *turns around as Brad getting ready to plunge the knife in his back and gasps* What if the moon really *is* made out of cheese?!
Brad: Eh?
Aya: *notices that Brad is trying to stab him* What? How *dare* you! *grabs his katana which has been so conveniently placed on the ground next to him…and is suddenly flying up in the air with it drawn like he does(how the hell *does* he do that?)* Shi-NE!
Brad: Wait, wait! Stop, I don't want to kill you!
Aya: …oh. Okay. *stops in mid-air, katana still held above his head* But why did you pull that knife on me?
Brad: Listen, Aya, just go, run away.
Aya: *glares* Why did you try to kill me?
Brad: *sighs* Queen Schu ordered me to do it.
Aya: Oh, like I didn't see that one coming…
Brad: And if he finds out that I didn't kill you, it's both of our asses.
Aya: Hm, that's *your* problem now, isn't it? I'm leaving this stupid kingdom anyway…
Brad: I'm going with you.
Aya: No. *starts to walk away*
Brad: *evil flashing Brad-glasses affect* Yes-I-am.
Aya: I can regale you with my stories about the root of my angst then.
Brad: *shrinks back and whimpers*
Aya: *smirks*
Brad: So…you're leaving me here to face his wrath on my own? I thought we had something!
Aya: *cold glare, walks away*
Brad: Alright, I should have foreseen that…
And so, wanting to save his own ass from annihilation, Brad killed one of the cute little deer that had the tendency to follow Aya around(it had to go anyway) and cut out its little dear heart, hoping he could pass it off as Ayas(unlikely chance, considering that Aya's heart isn't exactly a normal heart…
~*~AYA'S HEART: THE EDUCATIONAL BIT OF THIS TOTALLY USELESS STORY~*~
(Aya stands against a white background, glaring, arms crossed)
"This is Aya. Say hello, Aya."
Aya: …
(now Aya stands against the same white background, naked…the author and Aya fangirls all get nosebleeds)
"This is Aya's body. But we'll have to go deeper to get to the subject of this lesson."
(Aya…no longer has skin and all of his internal organs are visible)
"There are many interesting things in Aya's body. Why, just look, there's the Bermuda Triangle by his small intestine! And near his liver that would be one of Yohji's slippers, an alarm clock, Ghengis Kahn and my car keys. But let's observe his heart."
(close-up on Aya's heart which is a cold grey color, barely beating with a bumper sticker on it that says 'I don't discriminate; I hate everyone.')
"Notice the lack of actual human/animal characteristics!"
~*~LESSON CUT SHORT BY SIKO'S IMPATIENCE~*~
Bwa, I'll upload the next part verrrrrrrrry soon, kiddies!