Loyalty


Rating: G
Genre: Drama-Angst
Spoilers: May 5th episode "Rendezvous"
Disclaimer: Alias is the property of its owners and / or creators. I am neither.
Summary: In yet another warehouse meeting, Vaughn finds his resolution to keep his distance from Sydney challenged.

My tears begin to take his part so much
They mar my counterfeiting.
King Lear, III.6 l. 59-60

Vaughn cursed himself. He had just knocked over a pile of wooden crates that had been standing near an entrance to the warehouse. They had clattered to the ground noisily, and had caused him to bruise his left leg. Since when had he been such a klutz? The very thought made him more upset with himself over this new absent-minded attitude that he was developing whenever he was on his way to meet with Sydney. Was it some hint his unconscious was trying to transmit to him? And of what?

Actually, Vaughn was pretty sure he knew what it meant. He had begun to dislike his meetings with the double agent, something he never thought would have been possible. He was starting to dread the times when he was tired of looking at her beautiful face because he hated the fact that he couldn't respond to her when she was completely open with him.

But Vaughn knew he had to step back. He had made a vow that he would. Eric had done so much for him, and he had to repay his partner somehow for all the times he had saved him from being reprimanded. It was absolutely necessary to Vaughn that he keep Sydney at arm's length. Any closer and he wouldn't be able to protect her without letting it make him terrified every time she went on a mission.

The CIA agent stepped over the boxes that had fallen and moved towards the center part of the building. As he walked into the open space where he usually met up with Sydney, he heard a gun's safety be lifted. No one had to tell him that it was pointed at him.

He raised his hands in surrender, completely taken by surprise, and proceeded to step under a light since his opponent motioned him to do so. Immediately he hoped that Sydney was not there, and that she was all right. As soon as he had made it clear that he was unarmed, Vaughn heard the person holding the gun let out a tremendous sigh. Vaughn quickly realized that his new and unfamiliar habit of knocking things over had led Sydney to believe that he was not her handler. It was her who was pointing a gun at him. The brunette strode up to Vaughn as he relaxed. Her expression lay somewhere between vehement anger and disbelief in his change in manner. In reality, she was angry with herself for not being able to identify him. Vaughn would only bring his arms down and mutter a small apology for scaring her. Sydney nodded in acceptance and didn't elaborate further about why she had thought he was some kind of assassin.

He found himself scrutinizing Sydney's reaction without even knowing it. She appeared to be preoccupied, which was nothing new in itself, but he had a feeling that she was concerned with more than the usual deception of her friends and worry over the possibility of blowing her cover. He wanted to ask her what was going on, but forced himself to stop again. Instead, he began the usual barrage of questions he was required to ask her at every meeting, and tried to avoid speaking to her on a personal level.

"Is there anything new going on at SD-6? Any new missions?" Vaughn asked.

"No change," Sydney replied flatly. She certainly didn't sound to happy over the lack of updates about 'The Man'.

"Nothing on Sark?" Vaughn inquired. He purposely did not mention the reason they were after Sark. He didn't want to see her hurt.

"Nothing," she answered, shaking her head.

Vaughn paused to think about this. She was completely unemotional. Sydney was seriously lacking the enthusiasm she normally had over taking down SD-6. Normally, her reports were filled with sarcasm and personal opinions. Today, it was just single word replies.

"Sydney, is something wrong?" Vaughn ventured. It was probably a stupid question. He knew that the attack on Will had been especially hard for her to take. But it pained him to see her like this, and he wanted her to snap out of it.

"No," she replied sharply, as if she had been expecting such a question for a while.

"Then why do I get the feeling you're lying to me?" he asked.

Sydney looked away, frustrated. Vaughn wanted to grab her arm, to get her attention in any way, but repressed the urge. He couldn't forget about Weiss.

"Sydney," said Vaughn simply.

"What?"

"I want to help," he assured her.

That did it for her.

"Really? You have a funny way of showing it," she told him snidely.

"What are you getting at?" Vaughn demanded angrily after a moment of surprise. He had not expected her to snap at him!

Sydney whirled around and glared at him, tired of all the pretenses and jumping around the subject that was bothering her. "What do you think? You say that you want to help me, but I don't believe you anymore! You've totally closed off yourself for God knows why! How can I talk honestly to a brick wall?"

"I am here for you! Isn't that what I'm doing right now?"

"Well," Sydney said, "you're not doing it very well!"

Vaughn wasn't sure whether Sydney was about to burst into tears or punch him. He did not like either possibility. All he knew for sure was that he felt like he was being ripped apart. He had an obligation to be there for her, and he wanted to be there the way he was before: completely honest and personal. But he also was obligated to Weiss. Vaughn didn't want his partner to pay for his breaches in conduct.

Sydney continued to talk. "Vaughn, Will's been shot, Emily is going to die soon of cancer, and Dixon is this close to blowing my cover!" She made the motion of squeezing something in between her thumb and index finger to show him just how close she was to being discovered.

Before she could continue, Vaughn cut in. "Dixon may know? Why didn't you say something? If your cover is destroyed-"

"I can handle it on my own! Besides, how am I supposed to get through to you when all you can say is 'Do you have any questions'?"

She was right, and Vaughn knew it. His attitude wasn't helping him do his job better. It was only compromising them further. So what now? He couldn't keep this up. It was driving both of them insane. But he couldn't break his promise to Eric. Why did it have to be so screwed up?

"Sydney, it's important that you tell me. It's my job to keep you safe and I can only do that when you're honest with me! I am trying to do my part without" his speech wavered here, for he knew he was about to say something that he shouldn't about his feelings for her. He tried again.

"...Without getting my superiors breathing down my neck for disobeying orders."

Sydney looked at him, thinking that maybe she had just gotten a revelation about who Vaughn was. She had once thought that she knew him pretty well. Maybe not thoroughly, but she knew who he was. Now, she wasn't so sure. She would have never thought Vaughn was so oriented over keeping his job and pleasing his superiors. And now she wasn't sure whether she could ever trust him again.

"If all you are concerned about is your job, then I don't want you as my handler," she told him after some thought. Sydney then turned on her heel and began to leave.

"No!"

Before Vaughn could either bother to remind himself about his vow, he had crossed the small distance between them in a single stride. He seized Sydney's hand and forced her to turn around and look at him. There was no point in keeping up the charade, so Vaughn let his cold façade drop completely. In the blink of an eye, Sydney saw him change from the cold and aloof man she had been forced to spend time with the past few days to the warm and caring man she had grown to love, the one who cared how she felt, and was always there for her. It completely confused her.

Vaughn swallowed hard to keep himself from breaking down, and then looked right at Sydney.

'Sydney, listen to me," he said, "I don't care if I get in trouble. I don't care if I lose my job because they think I've gotten too close to you."

He drew her closer to him until she was nearly flat against his chest. He wanted her to understand so badly

"But, like you," he began, "I do care when other people have to pay for what I do."

Sydney stared at him, amazed at his honest confession. Before she could ask him to explain what he meant, he continued.

"I had to think about my loyalties to the people I care about. And what I know is that if I want to protect you and keep them from taking the fall for me when I let you get to me"

He stepped away, releasing her from his grip before he finished his sentence.

"I can't be with you the way it was before, no matter how much I want to."

Sydney was dumbfounded. She felt as though she had just lost the last person she could be herself with and not have to keep secrets from. What upset her even more was the fact that he had to go through the same thing she did and keep people away. Sydney understood all too well what Vaughn was going through.

She didn't like the idea. She knew that much. Sydney had not noticed just how much she had become used to Vaughn's presence on a personal level until he had closed himself off. She had taken it for granted. And now, there was a chance she would never enjoy it again.

Sydney looked at her watch nervously, unsure of what to say, and found an excuse to leave. She needed time to think about this.

"I gotta go or someone might notice," she told him.

Vaughn nodded in response. "Okay. I'll see you later." After a few seconds of taking in a few deep breaths, he began to leave as well.

"Vaughn?"

He stopped in his tracks and looked back at Sydney without turning around. She had not moved yet, and was still looking right at him.

"I understand, I think," she said with a heavy heart, "but I don't know if I can continue like this."

"Neither do I. But I can't choose."

She closed her eyes in a futile attempt to force back tears brought on by thinking of Will, and wiped them away with her hand.

"I hope you never have to."

Fin.