I don't go to lunch anymore. I go to the library and listen to my
portable cd player in the back, away from everyone and everything. Everyone
at the school knows what happened. They also know what caused it. Who
caused it.
People look at me. They stare and whisper. Even after all of this time, no one seems to want to get over the fact that I am responsible for Miranda's death. Even after all of this time, no one seems to want to be my friend. Everybody hates me, and god, do I hate them for that.
Truth be told, I should stop whining. I mean, I did bring this upon myself. I'm such a pathetic little thing. Nothing is important about me. Even more so than before.
I was listening to my music in the back when I felt a hand touch me on the shoulder. The feeling was warm. It was loving. I turned around and there she was…
"Hi, Gordo!" Lizzie said. She didn't speak in her natural cheery tone. She seemed sad, but loving. Like she had wanted to do this for a long time.
"Hi. How are you?" I replied.
"I'm getting better. I think of it as though, Miranda wanted me to be happy. She wanted me to continue my life even though she couldn't continue her own."
Right there, Lizzie sat down and began to cry. She cupped her head into her hands and just cried.
I wrapped an arm around her body and comforted her.
"Please, don't cry. I know how you're feeling. I'm so sorry."
"Do you really? I mean, I feel like I am the reason for all of this. If I had known you were with Miranda, I could have supported you guys. Maybe you wouldn't have begun to have feelings for me. Maybe I could have left you guys alone and not gotten involved. I just, I just wish that none of this had ever happened."
"No, don't say that. It was not your fault. It was never your fault. You were innocent in all of this. I should have controlled my feelings. I shouldn't have told Miranda or even agreed to be with her. My actions caused all of this pain, this hurt, this suffering. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
My head fell onto Lizzie's back. I then started to cry along with her. I didn't care about who saw me. At that moment, all I wanted to do was cry with Lizzie. It felt good to cry with her. To be sad with her. At least then, I would be sad with someone. I would be depressed with someone. I could be with someone, even if
I really wasn't with them.
Lizzie moved her body and placed her head up. She looked up at me and I stared into her eyes. Her eyes were puffy and dropping. You could see no life in them.
I cupped my hand into her face and gently rubbed her cheek with my hand. At that moment, all of my feelings and desires for Lizzie came back to me. I thought that I had finally gotten over her but when I saw her right there, I couldn't. She looked so innocent her all of her sadness. I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to be with her. But I knew I couldn't. I knew what these feelings could do to me.
I took my hand off of her cheek and stood up out of my chair.
"I'm sorry. I've, I've got to go. I'm, I've just got to go."
I ran out of the library as fast as possible. Just another situation that I was running out on. I couldn't stand to be in there any longer. There was just too much pain. Too much pain looking at her.
People look at me. They stare and whisper. Even after all of this time, no one seems to want to get over the fact that I am responsible for Miranda's death. Even after all of this time, no one seems to want to be my friend. Everybody hates me, and god, do I hate them for that.
Truth be told, I should stop whining. I mean, I did bring this upon myself. I'm such a pathetic little thing. Nothing is important about me. Even more so than before.
I was listening to my music in the back when I felt a hand touch me on the shoulder. The feeling was warm. It was loving. I turned around and there she was…
"Hi, Gordo!" Lizzie said. She didn't speak in her natural cheery tone. She seemed sad, but loving. Like she had wanted to do this for a long time.
"Hi. How are you?" I replied.
"I'm getting better. I think of it as though, Miranda wanted me to be happy. She wanted me to continue my life even though she couldn't continue her own."
Right there, Lizzie sat down and began to cry. She cupped her head into her hands and just cried.
I wrapped an arm around her body and comforted her.
"Please, don't cry. I know how you're feeling. I'm so sorry."
"Do you really? I mean, I feel like I am the reason for all of this. If I had known you were with Miranda, I could have supported you guys. Maybe you wouldn't have begun to have feelings for me. Maybe I could have left you guys alone and not gotten involved. I just, I just wish that none of this had ever happened."
"No, don't say that. It was not your fault. It was never your fault. You were innocent in all of this. I should have controlled my feelings. I shouldn't have told Miranda or even agreed to be with her. My actions caused all of this pain, this hurt, this suffering. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
My head fell onto Lizzie's back. I then started to cry along with her. I didn't care about who saw me. At that moment, all I wanted to do was cry with Lizzie. It felt good to cry with her. To be sad with her. At least then, I would be sad with someone. I would be depressed with someone. I could be with someone, even if
I really wasn't with them.
Lizzie moved her body and placed her head up. She looked up at me and I stared into her eyes. Her eyes were puffy and dropping. You could see no life in them.
I cupped my hand into her face and gently rubbed her cheek with my hand. At that moment, all of my feelings and desires for Lizzie came back to me. I thought that I had finally gotten over her but when I saw her right there, I couldn't. She looked so innocent her all of her sadness. I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to be with her. But I knew I couldn't. I knew what these feelings could do to me.
I took my hand off of her cheek and stood up out of my chair.
"I'm sorry. I've, I've got to go. I'm, I've just got to go."
I ran out of the library as fast as possible. Just another situation that I was running out on. I couldn't stand to be in there any longer. There was just too much pain. Too much pain looking at her.