I couldn't believe how awful that had gone. I expected to tell Lizzie
how much I still love her and to have her tell me she loves me back and
that she wants to be with me just as much as I want to be with her. But
that didn't seem to happen because all that did happen was have Lizzie
probably hate me even more than she might have before.
I sat on that bench for another 20 minutes just staring into space and thinking of how I should have talked to her better or how I could have done anything better to not make her hate me so much.
I began being sad but became angry. I've tried to show her how much I love her and all she wants to do is to slice open my chest, rip out my heart and put it in a food processor.
Why am I spending all this time being depressed over a girl that has probably never loved me?
Why am I spending all this time being depressed over a girl that said that she could never love me?
Why am I spending all this time sitting on a bench thinking of Lizzie if I am so mad at her?
I try to be mad at her but it's so hard because my feelings of love never seem to want to go away no matter how hard I try.
I decided to go home and try to rest on all of the shit that had happened in the park.
1 THE NEXT AFTERNOON
It was raining outside. It was probably the hardest rain I had ever seen and it didn't even bother me. I liked the refreshing feeling of cool rain on my skin. It was like taking a shower for the entire world to see.
I decided to walk home from school. I didn't want a ride because I wanted to be in the rain and I didn't want anyone pestering me about life and shit.
Before I knew it, I was nearly infront of Lizzie's house. Lizzie was already home because I could see her standing near her window. I needed to talk to her badly. I figured that things had gotten as worse as they could have and she couldn't ignore me forever.
I rang the doorbell a few times and knocked continuously on the door but no one seemed to answer.
"Elizabeth McGuire, I know you're inside of that house. I saw you buy the window." I screamed.
A few seconds later, Lizzie came to the door.
"What? Are you stalking me now or something?" She said.
"I didn't like the way we ended yesterday." I yelled.
"Well, neither did I but that's how things are."
She was about to shut her door when I put my hand out and stopped the door.
"Don't ignore me, Lizzie. We have some extremely big issues her and I don't appreciate you just pushing it away."
"Well, I don't appreciate you treating me like I'm some fucking child, Gordo. I'm the same age as you are; I'm in the same grade. So, why don't you just give me some damn respect?"
"Please, can I just come inside."
"No, I don't want you inside of my house."
"Fine."
I grabbed her wrist and dragged her outside.
"Oh my god, what the hell are you doing?"
"I'm doing whatever I can to get you to listen to me."
"Well, this doesn't seem very appealing to me, Gordo."
I sighed.
"For these past couple of years, you've been all I can think about, dream about."
Lizzie began to walk back to her house.
"Don't go. Listen. Okay?"
She just nodded her head.
"I know that you don't like hearing the thought of me loving you, but I need to tell you. Keeping it inside is only making things worse for both of us?"
"How? Before all of this, we were starting to become friends again and now all you wanna do is love me or whatever."
"It's not just that. I know you love me to. You almost said it before."
It begins to rain even harder.
"Yeah, well, those feelings are long gone in the past."
"No, they're not. I know they're not."
"God, you're so persistent. Gordo, do you ever think about the consequence of us being together? I mean, the consequences of you even having a crush on me lead to one of OUR best friends killing herself because she was so depressed."
"I know that. I know all of that. But that was then, this is now. I miss Miranda just as much as you do, maybe even more. But I realize that me trying to be a better person now, than I was before is learning to express how I feel before things turn dangerous."
"Us being together would be dangerous."
"I know you feel that way, but please just listen. I've been trying to suppress these feelings but I can't anymore. I know you can't either and that is why I think that we should both just come out in the open now and get it over with."
Lizzie began to cry again.
"I love you Gordo. I always have and I think that I always will. I try to tell myself that I'm too young to even think about love but that more I try, the more I want to be with you. When you told me Miranda killed herself, I thought that I would never be happy because I lost one of my best friends. And then, when you told me she killed herself over you loving me, I felt all mixed up inside. I was sad because of the death, but I was happy to hear that you loved me the same way as I loved you. But, how did that look? It looked wrong in my eyes Gordo. I mean, I'm a bad person for thinking that way. Aren't I? I'm a bad person for being glad that the person I love chose me over my suicidal best friend. I'm evil. That's why I could never be with you. It's mean, to you, to me, to Miranda for having these feelings and I just can't take it anymore."
Lizzie fell to her knees almost identically to how Miranda fell when I told her I didn't love her. I fell to the ground next to Lizzie. All of this information was suffocating me. I never knew Lizzie felt like this and I was a little shocked. But, I wasn't stupid.
I lifted Lizzie's gentle head up and held it in my hands. I cupped her cheek and place a small, and sweet kiss on her lips.
I sat on that bench for another 20 minutes just staring into space and thinking of how I should have talked to her better or how I could have done anything better to not make her hate me so much.
I began being sad but became angry. I've tried to show her how much I love her and all she wants to do is to slice open my chest, rip out my heart and put it in a food processor.
Why am I spending all this time being depressed over a girl that has probably never loved me?
Why am I spending all this time being depressed over a girl that said that she could never love me?
Why am I spending all this time sitting on a bench thinking of Lizzie if I am so mad at her?
I try to be mad at her but it's so hard because my feelings of love never seem to want to go away no matter how hard I try.
I decided to go home and try to rest on all of the shit that had happened in the park.
1 THE NEXT AFTERNOON
It was raining outside. It was probably the hardest rain I had ever seen and it didn't even bother me. I liked the refreshing feeling of cool rain on my skin. It was like taking a shower for the entire world to see.
I decided to walk home from school. I didn't want a ride because I wanted to be in the rain and I didn't want anyone pestering me about life and shit.
Before I knew it, I was nearly infront of Lizzie's house. Lizzie was already home because I could see her standing near her window. I needed to talk to her badly. I figured that things had gotten as worse as they could have and she couldn't ignore me forever.
I rang the doorbell a few times and knocked continuously on the door but no one seemed to answer.
"Elizabeth McGuire, I know you're inside of that house. I saw you buy the window." I screamed.
A few seconds later, Lizzie came to the door.
"What? Are you stalking me now or something?" She said.
"I didn't like the way we ended yesterday." I yelled.
"Well, neither did I but that's how things are."
She was about to shut her door when I put my hand out and stopped the door.
"Don't ignore me, Lizzie. We have some extremely big issues her and I don't appreciate you just pushing it away."
"Well, I don't appreciate you treating me like I'm some fucking child, Gordo. I'm the same age as you are; I'm in the same grade. So, why don't you just give me some damn respect?"
"Please, can I just come inside."
"No, I don't want you inside of my house."
"Fine."
I grabbed her wrist and dragged her outside.
"Oh my god, what the hell are you doing?"
"I'm doing whatever I can to get you to listen to me."
"Well, this doesn't seem very appealing to me, Gordo."
I sighed.
"For these past couple of years, you've been all I can think about, dream about."
Lizzie began to walk back to her house.
"Don't go. Listen. Okay?"
She just nodded her head.
"I know that you don't like hearing the thought of me loving you, but I need to tell you. Keeping it inside is only making things worse for both of us?"
"How? Before all of this, we were starting to become friends again and now all you wanna do is love me or whatever."
"It's not just that. I know you love me to. You almost said it before."
It begins to rain even harder.
"Yeah, well, those feelings are long gone in the past."
"No, they're not. I know they're not."
"God, you're so persistent. Gordo, do you ever think about the consequence of us being together? I mean, the consequences of you even having a crush on me lead to one of OUR best friends killing herself because she was so depressed."
"I know that. I know all of that. But that was then, this is now. I miss Miranda just as much as you do, maybe even more. But I realize that me trying to be a better person now, than I was before is learning to express how I feel before things turn dangerous."
"Us being together would be dangerous."
"I know you feel that way, but please just listen. I've been trying to suppress these feelings but I can't anymore. I know you can't either and that is why I think that we should both just come out in the open now and get it over with."
Lizzie began to cry again.
"I love you Gordo. I always have and I think that I always will. I try to tell myself that I'm too young to even think about love but that more I try, the more I want to be with you. When you told me Miranda killed herself, I thought that I would never be happy because I lost one of my best friends. And then, when you told me she killed herself over you loving me, I felt all mixed up inside. I was sad because of the death, but I was happy to hear that you loved me the same way as I loved you. But, how did that look? It looked wrong in my eyes Gordo. I mean, I'm a bad person for thinking that way. Aren't I? I'm a bad person for being glad that the person I love chose me over my suicidal best friend. I'm evil. That's why I could never be with you. It's mean, to you, to me, to Miranda for having these feelings and I just can't take it anymore."
Lizzie fell to her knees almost identically to how Miranda fell when I told her I didn't love her. I fell to the ground next to Lizzie. All of this information was suffocating me. I never knew Lizzie felt like this and I was a little shocked. But, I wasn't stupid.
I lifted Lizzie's gentle head up and held it in my hands. I cupped her cheek and place a small, and sweet kiss on her lips.