"Are you alive, brother?" Xan asked, poking his comatose brother with a
stick. One could always hope, after all.
"…Yes…" Trias mumbled groggily, sitting up. He soon wished he hadn't. Somewhere along the line he'd gone from roaring drunk to apocalyptic hangover.
"Oh, damn…er, I mean, what great fortune!" Xan hastily corrected himself. "You passed out immediately after I mentioned Cad – our other brother," he finished lamely. Much as he would have leapt at the chance to have an unconscious Trias in his grasp, he had important matters to attend to.
"Cad…Cad…him!? I thought we agreed never to mention him again!" Trias shuddered, glancing around the cavern nervously.
Cadmus. A name to strike fear into the hearts of the bravest warriors, the cruelest necromancers. A name all the more sadistic for the images of frolicking bunnies it evoked. A name belonging the to the most fearsome of gods, for he –
"He's not right in the head!" Trias added in a stage whisper. "You remember all those suggestions he had when we were making this world! I still have nightmares!"
"I wasn't aware you could dream during alcohol-induced comas…" Xan sniped.
"I'm serious!" Trias snapped. When he wasn't falling-down drunk, Trias was actually a focused person. The problem being, he was always falling-down drunk. "Why would you even suggest we ask for his help?!"
Xan put on his best conciliatory air. "Well, you of all people should appreciate the need for a fair fight. You do realize that there isn't any neutral ground on our world. We both have our spheres of influence, and so the fight would be fundamentally lopsided one way or the other. We don't want that, now do we?" Xan paused to think over his last statement. "Well, in any case, you don't want that, now do you? Of course, I'd be pleased to hold the fight on my territory," he offered unctuously.
"That only works when I'm drunk, I'll have you know. I'm not – wait, our world?" Trias paled. "You don't mean to imply…"
"I imply nothing. I'm telling you: Cadmus went off and made his own world- Don't you pass out on me again!" Xan reached over and proceeded to kick his brother until he awoke. Then he kicked him some more for dramatic emphasis. "Now, as I was saying, Cadmus has created his own world. And what could be more neutral than the God of Neutrality's playpen?" Xan asked rhetorically.
"Um…well, I suppose…but it's Cadmus! Cadmus!!" Trias reiterated, beginning to hyperventilate once more.
"Things would be so much easier if people simply did as I commanded them," Xan softly mused. "I don't ask for much, just unquestioning obedience, world dominion, maybe some love slaves…" He trailed off, eyes glazing.
"You say something? Been holding out on me in the love slave department, eh?" Trias chortled, nudging his brother in the chest. Gods of Truth and Justice technically can't have love slaves. And Trias didn't. But he had nothing against admiring the scenery.
"Death…Ruination…eh? What?" Xan blinked, started out of his pleasant daydream. "Oh, you. Whatever you just asked, the answer is either 'No, I I'm not giving you any more liquor', or 'No, even succubi don't come here'. Now, onto business. I've, er, spoken with Cadmus recently-"
"Is he here?!" Trias shrieked, diving under the table and huddling into a ball. The sound of whimpers drowned out the growls and wails in the background.
"Yes, I invited him here after all the trouble we went through to get rid of him," Xan drawled dryly. "Oh, do get up. I only enjoy seeing you whimper in abject pain and humiliation. Seeing you cower like a rabbit is just pathetic."
Trias cautiously climbed back into his chair, eyeing the shadows suspiciously. He got up and grabbed his Divine Spear (only a toothpick when sloshed) before seating himself and speaking. "Alright, so you spoke with C- Cadmus. What did he say?" Trias asked nervously, clutching his spear closer.
"Oh, he seemed…he was much better," Xan lied glibly. In truth, he hadn't understood much through the constant maniacal laughter and gnashing of teeth. But, no need to worry his brother unnecessarily…
"And so you see, it's perfectly safe," he continued. "Now, what do you say?"
"Um, well, in that case I guess the answer is yes…" Trias said doubtfully, still unconvinced.
"Trias, Trias, Trias," Xan said mournfully, shaking his head slowly. "Would I lie to you?"
Trias blinked. Then he began to snicker.
"You know what I mean!" Xan snapped, irate.
Guffaws.
"Oh, shut up!"
Hysterical floor-beating.
"SHUT UP BEFORE I RIP YOUR TONGUE OUT AND HANG YOU WITH IT!!"
…Silence…
"Ahem," Xan coughed delicately. "I meant, I stand to benefit at least as much as you from this. I wouldn't pull any tricks, I assure you."
"Well, you have a point. I'm in, then. See you in one month, brother!" Trias slapped his knees and got up. After gathering his things – mainly, his spear and ale glass – and several things that weren't quite his – mainly, the ale keg – he stretched and walked off towards one of the walls. He reached the wall – and kept on going. The wall twisted and undulated, returning to its original shape in seconds.
After assuring himself that his brother was indeed gone, Xan sat back and poured himself a drink. His peals of laughter rang off the cavern walls, silencing the creatures in the shadows.
* * * *
"Entropy! Come here, I have a task for you!" Xan called out, in high spirits. For once, things were going his way.
A shadow detached itself from the far wall and…slithered, would be the most appropriate term…towards Xan. Its figure was vaguely serpentine, and it had no discernable arms or legs. Beyond that, its features were nebulous, undefined.
"Yessss, masster?" it inquired in a sibilant whisper.
"I have a task for you. You were listening?" Xan asked. He didn't like having to explain himself. After the first few incidents, his remaining Minions had gotten the idea.
Entropy nodded. "Yesss, masster. That fool believesss you ssshal play fair, no?" It laughed, an odd, high-pitched wailing noise.
"Oh, I'll play fair all right!" Xan chortled, pouring himself another drink. Wine, of course.
Entropy cocked its head to the side. "Masssster?" it asked curiously.
"I make it a point not to reveal my evil schemes, but considering that there aren't any heroes, damsels in distress, or plucky sidekicks present, I suppose I can make an exception. I was indeed at Cadmus' world – as generally strange as one would expect from him. That, of course, gives me a marked advantage over my foolish brother.
Now all I need is to pick appropriate champions. I need someone suitably…insane. Any suggestions?" Xan asked, gesturing for his servant to speak. It wasn't wise to speak unless spoken to.
"Insssane, you sssay? Might I sssssuggessst Assssrael?" Entropy hissssed…er, hissed.
"As- Azrael? The name sounds familiar. Describe him!" Xan ordered.
"He issss the insssane one, masssster. Hissssss-"
"BLOODY HELL, WOULD YOU STOP THAT INCESSANT HISSING?!" Xan shrieked, throwing his wine goblet at Entropy. That vein above his eye began to pump again.
"Yesss-yes, master," it hastily complied, throwing itself to the floor in obeisance. "He is the one you take such delight in mocking. He keeps hideous beasts chained in torture chambers located dangerously close to his throne room, and he always sends letters to heroes if he is unable to reveal hiss-his evil plan to them in person. Is this helpful?" It raised its head hopefully.
Xan's eyes lit up. He jumped out of chair and began to dance around the cavern. "Yes, it's almost too perfect! Fetch him for me immediately! …What are you still doing here!? FETCH HIM!!" Xan stopped dancing long enough to fix a hard a stare upon his cowering servant.
"Yess, massster!" Entropy bowed deeply, then made a beeline for the nearest wall.
"Ha! My fool brother's so-called champions won't last a second on that world! This Azrael fellow is perfect! But…" Xan stopped waltzing, dropping his invisible partner in the process. He frowned and began to pace around his cavern. "But perhaps he is too perfect. A fool is needed, but asking him to do whatever he wants is most likely asking too much from one such as he. I shall need someone to supervise him…but who?…AHA!" Xan stopped mid-stride, his eyes lighting up. Turning to face a nearby shadow, he called out, "Discord! I have need of you as well!"
A stunningly feminine shape emerged from the shadows nearby. She had the kind of figure that starts bar fights in a five-mile radius, and her dress certainly didn't conceal that fact – it didn't conceal much of anything. Her face was perfectly formed, if one could excuse the long scar that ran from the corner of her right eye to the corner of her lip. Of course, most men weren't interested in anything above the neck…
"You called, my master?" she sighed, fluttering her eyelashes.
"Do save it, Discord, I'm busy fleshing out my evil schemes," Xan replied absently.
"Oh, well if that's the case," she yelled, her voice sinking several octaves deeper, "could you put some more torches in here?! I'm freezing my ass off here!!" She put her hands on her hips and gave Xan her best glare.
"Do shut up. If you're that cold, you should stop running around half naked – unless you're trying to seduce these handsome gentlemen here…" he waved his hand, indicating the corner of the cavern where the - less savory - ambience originated from.
Discord shuddered. "I'll consider it – once you stop undressing me with your eyes!" She gave him a playful wink. He reddened.
"Be that as it may," Xan coughed, hastily changing the subject, "I need you to run a small errand for me-"
"If it's that small, why not get someone else? Beautiful people are supposed to glide through life! Those draft horses would be glad to, I'm sure!" she wheedled, gesturing towards the same corner. The growling intensified.
"A small task for a small mind," Xan shot back dryly. "Now-"
"Just what do you mean by small mind!?" she roared in her best drill sergeant voice.
"Now, now," Xan said placatingly, "we both know that your *ahem* figure sucked all the energy out of your head – you can't have both. Rest assured, you received the best of the deal…" Xan finished, his gaze dropping down despite his best efforts. Discord settled back down, her feathers suitably de-ruffled.
"Now," he continued, "as much as I appreciate our witty repartee, this task is vital. I need you to journey to the Tantras Mountains and find someone for me."
"Find someone? Who?" she asked curiously.
"Oh, you'll know him when you see him," Xan replied with a small smile. "Merely look for a peak with a large cavern atop it. Enter it, he should be inside. If I've kept track correctly, he should be sleeping. Awaken him however you wish." He turned away, indicating that the conversation was over as far as he was concerned.
Discord had no such ideas. "And just what am I supposed to tell him?" she demanded, stepping in front of Xan to block his path.
Xan's eye twitch started up again. "Were you even listening!?" he growled, trying to maintain his temper with little success. He always did around Discord. Chivalry lives…or some other ulterior motive, at any rate.
"It takes time to maintain such a gorgeous appearance!" she sniffed, turning her nose up. "So anyway, what should I say to him?"
"Xan sighed resignedly. "Tell him I have need of his services one month from today. No need for any details," he added, cutting Discord off, "as he should have his own methods of contacting me himself. Now, off with you!" He began to turn away once more.
Discord interrupted him again. "He may not need any details, but I certainly do! Just what are you planning?" she demanded, stamping a foot for emphasis (and snapping her heel in the process. One can't really be dramatic in a dishcloth and high-heels).
"Very well then, I give up," Xan sighed, throwing his arms in the air. "Perhaps unquestioning obedience is too much to ask from such as you!"
"We don't even get paid," Discord interjected sotto voce.
"But if you must know," Xan went on, ignoring Discord's continued insolence, "if this plan works, Trias will be no bar to my rise!"
"Trias!?" Discord shrieked, losing her tenuous composure. "That pompous bastard ruined my beautiful face!" she seethed, fingering her scar. One thousand years ago, during Trias' final battle with Xan, an errant spear thrust had left Discord's face horribly disfigured – and had done nothing to improve her bedside manner.
"Perhaps if you hadn't been so busy adjusting your mountain range, you could have dodged it…" Xan muttered to no one in particular. Living with her for the past thousand years had obliterated any sympathy he might have had for her plight.
"Like I said, it takes time to maintain such a beautiful appearance!," she said haughtily, flipping her hair over her shoulder. "So I'll go – but only to teach that bastard a lesson!" she hissed through gritted teeth, a hard glint in her eyes. With a mock curtsey, she vanished into the wall once more…
…And reappeared a moment later.
"Um, I've just remembered that I forgot to ask where these mountains are," she said, laughing nervously.
Xan's form began to flicker and swell.
"ButI'llfindthemmyselfdon'tyouworry!" she hastily replied, running back into the wall.
Xan deflated and uttered a heartfelt sigh. "And they wonder why Evil never wins…"
"…Yes…" Trias mumbled groggily, sitting up. He soon wished he hadn't. Somewhere along the line he'd gone from roaring drunk to apocalyptic hangover.
"Oh, damn…er, I mean, what great fortune!" Xan hastily corrected himself. "You passed out immediately after I mentioned Cad – our other brother," he finished lamely. Much as he would have leapt at the chance to have an unconscious Trias in his grasp, he had important matters to attend to.
"Cad…Cad…him!? I thought we agreed never to mention him again!" Trias shuddered, glancing around the cavern nervously.
Cadmus. A name to strike fear into the hearts of the bravest warriors, the cruelest necromancers. A name all the more sadistic for the images of frolicking bunnies it evoked. A name belonging the to the most fearsome of gods, for he –
"He's not right in the head!" Trias added in a stage whisper. "You remember all those suggestions he had when we were making this world! I still have nightmares!"
"I wasn't aware you could dream during alcohol-induced comas…" Xan sniped.
"I'm serious!" Trias snapped. When he wasn't falling-down drunk, Trias was actually a focused person. The problem being, he was always falling-down drunk. "Why would you even suggest we ask for his help?!"
Xan put on his best conciliatory air. "Well, you of all people should appreciate the need for a fair fight. You do realize that there isn't any neutral ground on our world. We both have our spheres of influence, and so the fight would be fundamentally lopsided one way or the other. We don't want that, now do we?" Xan paused to think over his last statement. "Well, in any case, you don't want that, now do you? Of course, I'd be pleased to hold the fight on my territory," he offered unctuously.
"That only works when I'm drunk, I'll have you know. I'm not – wait, our world?" Trias paled. "You don't mean to imply…"
"I imply nothing. I'm telling you: Cadmus went off and made his own world- Don't you pass out on me again!" Xan reached over and proceeded to kick his brother until he awoke. Then he kicked him some more for dramatic emphasis. "Now, as I was saying, Cadmus has created his own world. And what could be more neutral than the God of Neutrality's playpen?" Xan asked rhetorically.
"Um…well, I suppose…but it's Cadmus! Cadmus!!" Trias reiterated, beginning to hyperventilate once more.
"Things would be so much easier if people simply did as I commanded them," Xan softly mused. "I don't ask for much, just unquestioning obedience, world dominion, maybe some love slaves…" He trailed off, eyes glazing.
"You say something? Been holding out on me in the love slave department, eh?" Trias chortled, nudging his brother in the chest. Gods of Truth and Justice technically can't have love slaves. And Trias didn't. But he had nothing against admiring the scenery.
"Death…Ruination…eh? What?" Xan blinked, started out of his pleasant daydream. "Oh, you. Whatever you just asked, the answer is either 'No, I I'm not giving you any more liquor', or 'No, even succubi don't come here'. Now, onto business. I've, er, spoken with Cadmus recently-"
"Is he here?!" Trias shrieked, diving under the table and huddling into a ball. The sound of whimpers drowned out the growls and wails in the background.
"Yes, I invited him here after all the trouble we went through to get rid of him," Xan drawled dryly. "Oh, do get up. I only enjoy seeing you whimper in abject pain and humiliation. Seeing you cower like a rabbit is just pathetic."
Trias cautiously climbed back into his chair, eyeing the shadows suspiciously. He got up and grabbed his Divine Spear (only a toothpick when sloshed) before seating himself and speaking. "Alright, so you spoke with C- Cadmus. What did he say?" Trias asked nervously, clutching his spear closer.
"Oh, he seemed…he was much better," Xan lied glibly. In truth, he hadn't understood much through the constant maniacal laughter and gnashing of teeth. But, no need to worry his brother unnecessarily…
"And so you see, it's perfectly safe," he continued. "Now, what do you say?"
"Um, well, in that case I guess the answer is yes…" Trias said doubtfully, still unconvinced.
"Trias, Trias, Trias," Xan said mournfully, shaking his head slowly. "Would I lie to you?"
Trias blinked. Then he began to snicker.
"You know what I mean!" Xan snapped, irate.
Guffaws.
"Oh, shut up!"
Hysterical floor-beating.
"SHUT UP BEFORE I RIP YOUR TONGUE OUT AND HANG YOU WITH IT!!"
…Silence…
"Ahem," Xan coughed delicately. "I meant, I stand to benefit at least as much as you from this. I wouldn't pull any tricks, I assure you."
"Well, you have a point. I'm in, then. See you in one month, brother!" Trias slapped his knees and got up. After gathering his things – mainly, his spear and ale glass – and several things that weren't quite his – mainly, the ale keg – he stretched and walked off towards one of the walls. He reached the wall – and kept on going. The wall twisted and undulated, returning to its original shape in seconds.
After assuring himself that his brother was indeed gone, Xan sat back and poured himself a drink. His peals of laughter rang off the cavern walls, silencing the creatures in the shadows.
* * * *
"Entropy! Come here, I have a task for you!" Xan called out, in high spirits. For once, things were going his way.
A shadow detached itself from the far wall and…slithered, would be the most appropriate term…towards Xan. Its figure was vaguely serpentine, and it had no discernable arms or legs. Beyond that, its features were nebulous, undefined.
"Yessss, masster?" it inquired in a sibilant whisper.
"I have a task for you. You were listening?" Xan asked. He didn't like having to explain himself. After the first few incidents, his remaining Minions had gotten the idea.
Entropy nodded. "Yesss, masster. That fool believesss you ssshal play fair, no?" It laughed, an odd, high-pitched wailing noise.
"Oh, I'll play fair all right!" Xan chortled, pouring himself another drink. Wine, of course.
Entropy cocked its head to the side. "Masssster?" it asked curiously.
"I make it a point not to reveal my evil schemes, but considering that there aren't any heroes, damsels in distress, or plucky sidekicks present, I suppose I can make an exception. I was indeed at Cadmus' world – as generally strange as one would expect from him. That, of course, gives me a marked advantage over my foolish brother.
Now all I need is to pick appropriate champions. I need someone suitably…insane. Any suggestions?" Xan asked, gesturing for his servant to speak. It wasn't wise to speak unless spoken to.
"Insssane, you sssay? Might I sssssuggessst Assssrael?" Entropy hissssed…er, hissed.
"As- Azrael? The name sounds familiar. Describe him!" Xan ordered.
"He issss the insssane one, masssster. Hissssss-"
"BLOODY HELL, WOULD YOU STOP THAT INCESSANT HISSING?!" Xan shrieked, throwing his wine goblet at Entropy. That vein above his eye began to pump again.
"Yesss-yes, master," it hastily complied, throwing itself to the floor in obeisance. "He is the one you take such delight in mocking. He keeps hideous beasts chained in torture chambers located dangerously close to his throne room, and he always sends letters to heroes if he is unable to reveal hiss-his evil plan to them in person. Is this helpful?" It raised its head hopefully.
Xan's eyes lit up. He jumped out of chair and began to dance around the cavern. "Yes, it's almost too perfect! Fetch him for me immediately! …What are you still doing here!? FETCH HIM!!" Xan stopped dancing long enough to fix a hard a stare upon his cowering servant.
"Yess, massster!" Entropy bowed deeply, then made a beeline for the nearest wall.
"Ha! My fool brother's so-called champions won't last a second on that world! This Azrael fellow is perfect! But…" Xan stopped waltzing, dropping his invisible partner in the process. He frowned and began to pace around his cavern. "But perhaps he is too perfect. A fool is needed, but asking him to do whatever he wants is most likely asking too much from one such as he. I shall need someone to supervise him…but who?…AHA!" Xan stopped mid-stride, his eyes lighting up. Turning to face a nearby shadow, he called out, "Discord! I have need of you as well!"
A stunningly feminine shape emerged from the shadows nearby. She had the kind of figure that starts bar fights in a five-mile radius, and her dress certainly didn't conceal that fact – it didn't conceal much of anything. Her face was perfectly formed, if one could excuse the long scar that ran from the corner of her right eye to the corner of her lip. Of course, most men weren't interested in anything above the neck…
"You called, my master?" she sighed, fluttering her eyelashes.
"Do save it, Discord, I'm busy fleshing out my evil schemes," Xan replied absently.
"Oh, well if that's the case," she yelled, her voice sinking several octaves deeper, "could you put some more torches in here?! I'm freezing my ass off here!!" She put her hands on her hips and gave Xan her best glare.
"Do shut up. If you're that cold, you should stop running around half naked – unless you're trying to seduce these handsome gentlemen here…" he waved his hand, indicating the corner of the cavern where the - less savory - ambience originated from.
Discord shuddered. "I'll consider it – once you stop undressing me with your eyes!" She gave him a playful wink. He reddened.
"Be that as it may," Xan coughed, hastily changing the subject, "I need you to run a small errand for me-"
"If it's that small, why not get someone else? Beautiful people are supposed to glide through life! Those draft horses would be glad to, I'm sure!" she wheedled, gesturing towards the same corner. The growling intensified.
"A small task for a small mind," Xan shot back dryly. "Now-"
"Just what do you mean by small mind!?" she roared in her best drill sergeant voice.
"Now, now," Xan said placatingly, "we both know that your *ahem* figure sucked all the energy out of your head – you can't have both. Rest assured, you received the best of the deal…" Xan finished, his gaze dropping down despite his best efforts. Discord settled back down, her feathers suitably de-ruffled.
"Now," he continued, "as much as I appreciate our witty repartee, this task is vital. I need you to journey to the Tantras Mountains and find someone for me."
"Find someone? Who?" she asked curiously.
"Oh, you'll know him when you see him," Xan replied with a small smile. "Merely look for a peak with a large cavern atop it. Enter it, he should be inside. If I've kept track correctly, he should be sleeping. Awaken him however you wish." He turned away, indicating that the conversation was over as far as he was concerned.
Discord had no such ideas. "And just what am I supposed to tell him?" she demanded, stepping in front of Xan to block his path.
Xan's eye twitch started up again. "Were you even listening!?" he growled, trying to maintain his temper with little success. He always did around Discord. Chivalry lives…or some other ulterior motive, at any rate.
"It takes time to maintain such a gorgeous appearance!" she sniffed, turning her nose up. "So anyway, what should I say to him?"
"Xan sighed resignedly. "Tell him I have need of his services one month from today. No need for any details," he added, cutting Discord off, "as he should have his own methods of contacting me himself. Now, off with you!" He began to turn away once more.
Discord interrupted him again. "He may not need any details, but I certainly do! Just what are you planning?" she demanded, stamping a foot for emphasis (and snapping her heel in the process. One can't really be dramatic in a dishcloth and high-heels).
"Very well then, I give up," Xan sighed, throwing his arms in the air. "Perhaps unquestioning obedience is too much to ask from such as you!"
"We don't even get paid," Discord interjected sotto voce.
"But if you must know," Xan went on, ignoring Discord's continued insolence, "if this plan works, Trias will be no bar to my rise!"
"Trias!?" Discord shrieked, losing her tenuous composure. "That pompous bastard ruined my beautiful face!" she seethed, fingering her scar. One thousand years ago, during Trias' final battle with Xan, an errant spear thrust had left Discord's face horribly disfigured – and had done nothing to improve her bedside manner.
"Perhaps if you hadn't been so busy adjusting your mountain range, you could have dodged it…" Xan muttered to no one in particular. Living with her for the past thousand years had obliterated any sympathy he might have had for her plight.
"Like I said, it takes time to maintain such a beautiful appearance!," she said haughtily, flipping her hair over her shoulder. "So I'll go – but only to teach that bastard a lesson!" she hissed through gritted teeth, a hard glint in her eyes. With a mock curtsey, she vanished into the wall once more…
…And reappeared a moment later.
"Um, I've just remembered that I forgot to ask where these mountains are," she said, laughing nervously.
Xan's form began to flicker and swell.
"ButI'llfindthemmyselfdon'tyouworry!" she hastily replied, running back into the wall.
Xan deflated and uttered a heartfelt sigh. "And they wonder why Evil never wins…"