Title: No Respect
Author: liz_Z
E-mail: liz_Z@theglobe.com
Category: Humor
Spoilers: Umm, not really.
Rating: A nice, healthy G
Disclaimer: These characters aren't mine, they belong to Stu Segall productions, and I have nothing to do with money at this point and time so don't sue me; all you'll get is a bunch of fan-fics and my X files tapes (I am not giving up my I-man tapes for any reason whatsoever).

Darien curled up on his bed and shut his eyes. Man, he was tired. He'd stayed up far too late last night, and on top of that Hobbes had awakened him at five in the morning for a job Darien had totally forgotten about. His day had been almost completely uneventful, and now all he wanted was to get a good night's sleep. But just before he dropped off to sleep the phone rang.

Darien fumbled sleepily for the phone and picked it up, putting it to his ear. "H'llo?"

"Hey Fawkes, is that you?"

"Hobbes?" Darien groaned and fumbled for his clock, but couldn't seem to find it. Still, it had to be late. How else could he account for his exhaustion? "Do you have any idea what time it is?"

"Yeah, it's eight thirty-seven. Are you asleep already?" Hobbes asked, astonishment in his voice.

"So what if I am?" Darien asked hostilely.

"Look, I was just calling you to remind you that we have to get up bright and early tomorrow to investigate a crime scene. Don't forget this time."

"Yeah, sure," Darien muttered. He hung up the phone and lay back down, rolling over and trying to find a place to get comfortable on his mattress, which seemed much lumpier than usual tonight. But no matter how hard he tried he couldn't seem to find a comfortable position.

After what seemed like forever, Darien managed to get in a position that didn't seem uncomfortable or unnatural. He closed his eyes, heaving a small sigh of contentment. Finally, he was going to get some sleep...

The phone rang again. Darien groaned and smashed a pillow down over his ears in an attempt to drown out the sound, but it didn't work. After a moment Darien rolled over reluctantly and lifted up the receiver. "Whaddaya want?" He asked in a sleepy tone.

"It's me," Claire said. "I just wanted to remind you that you're supposed to come down to the lab for a few tests tomorrow."

"Okay, Keep, I won't forget," Darien mumbled. He hung up the phone, but before he could even lay down it rang again. Darien picked up the phone.

Hobbes' voice floated out of the receiver. "Fawkes, it's me again."

Darien rolled his eyes. "What now?"

"I just wanted to make sure you didn't forget that the Keeper wants you down at the lab tomorrow, too. She wants to do some tests or something."

"Hobbes, she just called about that!"
"Hey, don't bite my head off, I was just checking to make sure-"

Darien hung the phone up angrily, cutting off his partner in mid-sentence. He lay down on his bed, but instead of going to sleep he stared at the phone, expecting it to ring at any time. It didn't, however, and Darien gradually drifted off to sleep.

~~~~~*~~~~~

The phone rang. Darien awakened with a start and promptly fell off the bed. He let out an incoherent growl and reached up to grab the phone, but only managed to knock everything that had been on top of his nightstand off of it and onto his head. Two minutes and several choice swear words later, he managed to find the place where the phone had fallen. He picked up the receiver and yelled angrily into the phone, "Yeah?"

"Temper, temper, Fawkes. Are you getting close to shot time?"

Darien's frown grew deeper as he realized who was on the other end of the line. "What do you want, Arnaud?"

"Nothing in particular," Arnaud said flippantly.

Darien glanced at the alarm clock that had fallen in his lap. "You just decided to call for no apparent reason? At three in the morning?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot about the time difference. I'm out of the country right now, making deals with-"

"Spare me the details, okay? Why'd you call?"

"I already told you, I was just checking on you. I wanted to make sure you hadn't had any... unfortunate accidents."

"Are you threatening me?"

"No! I think you've been spending too much time with your partner, you're starting to contract some of his paranoia."

"Paranoia's not contagious!"

"You'd be surprised," Arnaud said dryly.

"Look, I don't have time to chat with you. I've got a very busy day tomorrow. So, unless you've got something important to say I'm gonna hang up."

"No! Don't hang up."

Darien squinted suspiciously at the phone. "Why not?"

"Because... I'm lonely."

"WHAT?"

"You heard me. I'm lonely. Being a terrorist doesn't make you many friends, and you're the closest thing I have to one."

"We're mortal enemies!"

"See? You've proven my point."

Darien shook his head incredulously. "Arnaud, you really are insane." Then he hung up the phone. He glared at it for several minutes, and then reached over and yanked the cord out of the wall. "Now maybe I can get some sleep," he muttered.

~~~~~*~~~~~

"Hey partner, wake up." Darien recognized the voice; it was Hobbes. He didn't move. He wanted five more minutes of sleep, just five more minutes... "Fawkes! Get your lazy butt out of bed!" With that Hobbes threw the covers off and jabbed the butt of his gun into Darien's side. Darien yelped at the cold metal touching his side, and sat straight up in bed. He gave Hobbes a dirty look.

"What'd you do that for?"

Hobbes frowned down at Darien. "I've been trying to get you to wake up for the past ten minutes!"

"What time is it?" Darien asked sleepily. He glanced over at his clock. "Four thirty? Come on Hobbes, this is even earlier than yesterday!"

"Yeah, well, we've got a lot to do today, and we might as well get ready."

Darien groaned, but he stood up and grabbed his shirt. After he pulled it over his head he gave Hobbes a meaningful glare. "You know, someday I'm going to steal your gun and shoot you in the foot."

Hobbes regarded Darien calmly. "And if you do that I'll break your arm."

Darien shook his head resignedly. "No respect. I get absolutely no respect around here."

Hobbes walked out the door, ready to face the day. But as Darien followed he made a mental note to have his phone line permanently disconnected, or at least find a service that didn't let any phone calls go through after eight o'clock at night...


The End