Title: In the Pre-Dawn

Author: Rorie

Distribution: please ask first!

Spoilers: 'all things', with references to episodes from all 7 seasons and the movie...

Rating: PG

Classification: V, R, A

Keywords: MSR

Summary: Scully's POV, sort of a stream-of-consciousness, but not quite. Post-ep 'all things.' What happened after she left Mulder's apartment in the teaser?

Date began: April 11, 2000

Date finished: April 28, 2000

Disclaimer: The characters that you'd recognize and the concept of The X-Files are not mine. They belong to Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, 20th Century Fox, and their portrayers. I'm not making any money off of this story, and no copyright infringement is intended. Please don't sue... I'll return them when I'm done... probably in better condition than I found them in (my momma taught me well). Don't complain to me if they get lost in the mail... blame the United States Postal Service.

Author's notes: Thanks to Tiny Dancer's fabulous site for transcripts of the episodes. I had to check and make sure that I had the right quotes. And to Nicole, beta extraordinaire! More notes at the end...

I did the thing I always said that I wouldn't do... I left before he woke up. No, I know what you're thinking, we didn't do it... at least not last night. We shared his bed, but nothing more than that. This past week has been emotionally exhausting for me, and Mulder had jet lag from his short trip to England. I had fallen asleep on his sofa, but somewhere in the night, I woke up and joined him in his bed.

After the kiss we shared at New Years, things had steadily been changing between us. What had just been teasing and innuendo earlier, now had a new meaning. Our relationship took a major turn right before we went to Pittsfield, Virginia. We both had a little to drink, celebrating the successful closing of a case. I guess you could say I was slightly tipsy. I said things that I would have never said without the courage the wine offered... shades of Eddie Van Blundht. One thing led to another... well, you get the picture. After the Pittsfield case, Mulder arranged for a "real" date, complete with a candlelight dinner... that ended up at my apartment. Our partnership irrevocably changed that night; it's now so much more than just professional.

Anyway, ever since then, neither of us has ever left before the other was awake, even if it meant waking the other one up.

I had always thought that people who did leave before... silently slipping out as if they'd done something wrong, were cowards. Now, I'm one of them.

She slipped out of the bed carefully, not disturbing him. Picking up her clothing on the way, she headed for the bathroom. Hurriedly, she pulled her shirt over her head, and then slipped her skirt back on, zipping it up before straightening the shirt.

Stepping out of the bathroom, she let her gaze slide up the sleeping form of her partner. A sight that had grown familiar to her in the last months. A smile crossed her lips as she quietly left the bedroom after grabbing her jacket off the end of the bed.

Walking across to the front door, she was reaching for the knob when his voice stopped her. "Scully?" he called sleepily through the apartment.

Her eyes closed, a look of pain crossing her face, as her called her name again. The plaintive tone in his voice almost caused her to turn around and go back to the warmth of his arms.

Taking a deep breath, she pulled open the door and walked away into the gray light of the pre-dawn.

So now I sit here, on a bench beside the Reflecting Pool, watching as pinks, oranges, and purples paint the eastern sky as the sun rises over another day in Washington.

It's quiet here, the breeze is the only sound. An occasional jogger passes by me, but I hardly notice them. I'm lost in my thoughts. A thousand questions and even more memories swirl through my crowded mind.

XXX

"Sorry, nobody down here but the FBI's most unwanted."

"I think it's remotely plausible that someone might think you're hot."

"If there's an ice tea in that bag could be love." "Must be fate, Mulder. Root beer."

"Is this seat taken?" "No. But I should warn you..."

"...But he's a lot more open to extreme possibilities than..."

"No. I was just never sure your little feet could reach the pedals."

"I'm on your side, you know that... Scully, you are the only one I trust."

"Come on back. The truth will save you, Scully. I think it'll save both of us."

"Hey, Scully, should we be picking out china patterns or what?"

"You can believe what you want to believe, Scully, but you can't hide the truth from me because if you do, then you're working against me... and yourself. I know what you're afraid of. I'm afraid of the same thing."

"Well, maybe if it rains sleeping bags, you'll get lucky."

"Scully..." "Yes?" "Marry me." "I was hoping for something a little more helpful."

"Scully, you have to believe me. Nobody else on this whole damn planet does or ever will. You're my one in... five billion."

"But you saved me! As... as difficult and as frustrating as it's been sometimes, your goddamned strict rationalism and science have saved me a thousand times over! You've kept me honest... you've made me a whole person. I owe you everything... Scully, and you owe me nothing... I don't know if I wanna do this alone... I don't even know if I can... and if I quit now, they win."

"Hey, Scully." "Yes?" "I love you." "Oh, brother."

"Well, it seems to me that the best relationships-- the ones that last-- are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship. You know, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is... suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with."

"...Agent Scully is already in love."

"You... were my friend, and you told me the truth. Even when the world was falling apart, you were my constant... my touchstone."

"You're drawn to powerful men but you fear their power. You keep your guard up, a wall around your heart. How else do you explain that fearless devotion to a man obsessed, and, yet, a life alone? You'd die for Mulder, but you won't allow yourself to love him."

XXX

No, he's wrong! I have allowed myself to love him. I love Mulder more than I could ever have loved Jack or Daniel. I trust Mulder with my life...

Then why did I run? Why this time? What made it different? Everything inside me is shouting, 'I'm free!' I'm finally free of the past... of the spectre of Daniel and a youthful mistake. So, now, why did I leave? Why break an unwritten vow between Mulder and I? I don't know... I have no answers. Important, life-changing questions, and I have no answers.

I laugh out loud. Me, Dana Katherine Scully, "Miss Know-it-all," the girl with all of the answers, and I have none for myself. I shiver slightly, but not from the cold...

Self-doubt is something that I have become intimately acquainted with, but not something that I show. I've learned to keep my emotions in check, beneath a veneer of ice. "Ice Queen." "Doc Ice." I know what others say about me, and I do all I can to further their misconceptions. But they don't see me... not really. Only Mulder has seen the real me... the vulnerability that I fight so hard to hide.

Maybe that's part of my answer; I'm scared of losing control, of letting my guard down, even with Mulder. I told him he's my touchstone, my constant, and I meant it. But I can't allow him to be my rock, my strength. No, I have to be self-reliant, leaning on no one but myself. Why? Why can't I let someone else hold me up once in a while?

XXX

"What I would have missed."

"I don't think you can know. I mean, how many different lives would we be leading if we made different choices. We... we don't know."

"What if there was only one choice and all the other ones were wrong? And there were signs along the way to pay attention to.

"Mmm. And all the... choices would then lead to this very moment. One wrong turn, and... we wouldn't be sitting here together."

XXX

My whole life changed this week, even though I told Mulder it hadn't. I let go of something... something I once wanted, and would sometimes return to in my mind... a "normal" life. I've come to realize, however, that I wouldn't be happy with what others call a normal life. "This isa normal life." I hear Mulder's voice drift through my mind. If I had made different choices, would I still be sitting here this morning? I don't know the answers to that, but I do know that I wouldn't change anything... well, except maybe that flukeman thing. Still, I'm exactly where I want to be in my life... well, maybe not sitting here on this bench alone... but, I've realized something. I am content, happy, even. Maybe not by the world's standards of happy, or my mother's, but I am. I am in love, and am loved, what else could I ask for? Well, maybe a grandé skinny mocha latté with an extra shot of vanilla and a cranberry muffin, but otherwise...

"Hey, Scully." a voice calls softly behind me. I smile and turn, patting the bench next to me. Mulder sits down carrying a bag and two cups.

"Grandé skinny mocha latté with a shot of vanilla." he says handing me one of the cups. I laugh, he read my mind again. Not surprising though. "And a cranberry muffin." he adds pulling it out of the paper bag. Another laugh escapes my lips... it feels so good to just let go.

I take a sip of my coffee, wincing as it stings my tongue. Mulder notices and touches my arm lightly. I prepare to give him my patented, "I'm fine." but stop short. He deserves the truth, he deserves all of me. "I burnt my tongue, Mulder." I say. I know, I know, it's silly, but truthful. He leans forward and kisses my lips, slipping his tongue between my teeth to touch mine. I sigh and he pulls away.

"There, all better." he says. I laugh again... I seem to be doing that a lot this morning.

We sit in silence for a while, sipping coffee and eating muffins... or in his case, a jelly donut. We watch the city wake up, the joggers passing us. Finally, I turn to him. "Mulder, have I said 'I love you.' lately?" He shakes his head 'no.' "Well, I do. I've been thinking this morning. I'm content with my choice. There was a time when I wasn't. When I wished I could go back and change things, but that's not anymore. There's too much that I would have missed... too much that I can't live without." I pause to take a deep breath and gather my thoughts. "Leaving Daniel was right back then. Too many people were being hurt. Now, I wouldn't change it, if I could. I'm where I want to be in my career... and with you." I take another deep breath and bring up the subject that I had been avoiding... the one that I know he wants the answer to. "I'm sorry that I left this morning... I honestly can't say why I did. I think... I think I was scared. Scared to give up control... even to you. When I'm with you, Mulder, I feel my walls crumble. I try to rebuild them, but I can't... not fast enough. I've been terrified that if I let someone... in, that I'd have to give up too much of myself. That they'd disappoint me... that they'd leave me when they saw the true me..."

He puts his arm around me, "Scully, you know you never have to be afraid with me." I nod, I'm not afraid anymore. He stands up and pulls me up with him. "Come on, let's go home." I lean into his arms for a moment before we head to our cars. Home is where ever he is.

Finis

Notes: I belong to the camp that says that Mulder and Scully slept together in the same bed, but nothing more (at least during this episode, they've been doing it since before 'Rush' in my universe). I don't think she was emotionally ready for the next step that night. So this fic operates under that assumption.

In my universe, 'Rush' occurred after 'Millennium,' according to the US air dates.