Can You Leave Me Alone
Written by: Wa
Edited and Revised by: Ai
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It's nobody's fault
We just don't know how to deal with each other
So please, at this moment, let me go,
Can you leave me
alone....alone...leave me alone
Â
It was a Sunday afternoon. Relena Darlian opened the door and then went inside the Darlian house. She sat down on the couch near the little coffee table. She looked at the phone, the voice message light was on. She looked at it, a little bit 'frozen', thinking who could it be, finally she decided to press the button.
"Beep, Sunday 10:00am" The voice message said. Relena stared at it, waiting for the person who called to speak. But no one was speaking, she only heard the sound of a phone hanging up.
It must be those reporters........
She sighed and then laid herself onto the soft comfortable sofa. She tried to take a nap, but wake up.
Why? Why can't I sleep? Is there something on my mind? .......it would be good if my mind could answer me. Then she thought again.
Stress?... about what? about my job? It has to be the conflict between the earth and colonies today, if it isn't, then what else could it be? Maybe I can't sleep because I didn't find a way to solve the problem. But what can I do to stop them? These little conflict makes me feel so tired. I'm tired of keeping up, keeping up with the speed of how the earth turns. Tired of keeping up with this trend.
I really should get some sleep now.
So Relena closed her eyes and tried to relax.
Try not to think of it, Relena.
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She opened her eyes again. She had already forgotten if she had slept or not. Maybe or maybe not, because it was just for 15 minutes that she shut down her memory.
If I can't sleep then I better think of something to do.
She went to the sink in the kitchen. Relena turned on the tap and filled up a watering can. It's been a month since she had watered her plants in her living room. She poured some water into the pot. After finishing the watering, she sat back down in her previous location. Thinking again........
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The plants are so silent, they don't speak and won't bother you. I feel
peace and calmness sitting near them.
I don't like standing in a big crowd. Too much people.....too much
violence and words that offend the others. That's why I don't like to
speak, sometimes....I feel tired of speaking to others. Ancient men would
hate me for this, because I'm not using the thing they invented.
But when I become silent, I feel like someone else......it feels like him.
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Monday.....
"Relena, are you okay? You seem stressed." Mrs. Darlian exclaimed. Relena just looked down, not saying anything. And walked on.
Sometimes I think that she's annoying, but I also understand that she's protecting me, that's why she does that. She cares about me.....sorry but I can't return the favor. Because I don't want to have friends. I don't want to love a person, because love makes me lose myself.....
She walked outside and into Pagan's car.
"Good morning, Miss Relena." Pagan said.
"Good morning Pagan." Relena forced herself to smile at him.
Pagan is an old person, I don't want to make him unhappy. Is this called being polite to him or am I mocking him?
She fastened her seatbelt.
I want to forget about love. Because of love, I did something that's beyond what I'm supposed to do. I want to forget about him. I want to forget about you, Heero. Because a broken heart would make me give myself up.....that's why......that's why I want to stop loving you........
She looked outside, the world that she was living in was such a stress for her. She opened up the window a little bit, letting the wind blow in. She closed her eyes, feeling the wind, thinking that the wind fairy would talk to her, imagining how beautiful this world could be, if it could become a fairy tale.
But it's only her fairy tale.
Suddenly I feel that without you and without any kind of love is better. And it would be the life for me. Travel to a place where people don't know me and I don't know them. So I don't have to care about them, and they won't care about me.
Some say that a drifter is a disgrace to society, because they do nothing to help the society.........But I'm starting to disagree with them now...because grown ups are just wearing a mask on the outside, all of them. Grown ups just care about them-selves, they are not true to others, even to their friends. Betrayal and hate. All these feelings are just human nature.
I choose not to have friends. In that way nobody can hurt me, I'm untouchable. There will be no competition made upon me. I'm the only one perfect....but this could only be in my fantasy.
The car stopped and Relena stepped out. She entered the school, thinking about the solution she had just given herself.
Should I run away?
She wanted to............
It was 15 minutes before class, so Relena decided to walk out to the balcony to get some fresh air. Just then, in the hallway before Relena got to the balcony, she saw Heero walking towards her with a girl following him. Sylvia Noventa.
She just pretended that she didn't see them together. She smiled a little.
Happy that for the first time, she could ignore them.
No one had ever said that they were going out or anything. It's just because, I'm very sensitive towards it. Every time, I see him, it makes me feel angry. Angry that he doesn't feel anything for me. Angry that I want to get near him. Jealousy, waking up the evil sprit inside of me.
Heero went to her school after the battle between himself and her brother Millardo. And she, she was half student half Vice Foreign Minister. Relena thought that Heero had already taken off his perfect soldier mask to be a student. One time when they were doing a school project together, Relena discovered that he was still the perfect soldier, cold and emotionless.
I'm afraid that I would soon become an evil person who everybody hates. Because I don't know what I would do next.....for love.I've tried to hide my feelings....just like when I saw them together. But, paper can't put out fire.
She didn't expect Heero to come out with her. So she was shocked to see a person behind her when she turned around. Heero was staring at her, standing very still and wasn't surprised that she was shocked. He is the perfect soldier after all.
Heero.................................
Relena didn't say anything. She just stared back at Heero. They were looking at each other like they were in a staring competition, and whoever stops first is the loser.
Loser....Relena thought. She stopped staring at Heero. Still he was not surprised at anything.
"Heero....." Relena said quietly.
"What do you want from me?" Heero just liked to become colder and colder.
It's weird to say something like that when you're the one who's following a person. But Relena understood why....because she had been ignoring him, and pretended not to see him. He was distracted by her presence.
Relena gave him a bitter smile, happy that she could still hear his cold words. Just like when they had first met at the balcony, when he told her that he would destroy her.
"For some reason, I don't like to speak anymore. But if you ask me what I want......" Relena paused and then she started again.
"I want to go somewhere far, to explore this world, when day and night would pass by me slowly." Relena looked up where the birds glided through the sky
"That's too selfish Relena, you have a world to care about." Heero spoke with his deep voice.
"Then, what about me?" Relena looked down. She felt like a child who didn't get a Christmas present when everyone else got one. She wanted to scream that out loud, but the words came out very calm.
"You will be happy then, because you will have achieved what you wanted, Relena." Heero explained.
".....But I don't want happiness....." Relena said, coldly.
Heero looked at her as if he didn't understand. As if Relena was lying to him just to surprise him.
"I don't want happiness because it brings me sadness.....every time." Relena explained.
Heero paused for a second. He hold his head down, he started to speak.........
"Are you trying to get rid of your emotions?" He got straight to the point.
Relena was shocked. She hadn't thought of that, for all that she had been doing.
Am.....I? How come I have never thought of that?
"Heero....I don't know?" Relena was thinking deeply about why she couldn't answer her problem.
"I've tried so hard to get my emotions back, why do you have to be like me?" Heero asked.
He means I'm just like him? Trying to answer my own questions and solve every problem.....? How can it be? If I'm selfish, how can I scarifice my life for other people?
"Because..........." Relena tried to get an answer but she couldn't. Her body was shaking, like someone was threatening her. Because Heero had seen through her.
So all that I've been doing was following the road, leading me towards an emotionless self?
"Because what?" Heero leaned against the balcony railing and looked down with pity in his eyes.
Why does Heero want to get his emotions back? Doesn't he like being emotionless? I mean, being the Perfect Soldier, nothing can harm him.
"Because.....because of you." Relena said.
I don't even know what I'm doing, but I've said it. Because of him, I've become proud, selfish, mean, cold and ridiculous.
"..............."
"Say something Heero, what is your reaction? What do you feel?" Relena asked, with a serious expression on her face, telling him that she really really wants to know. That's true, because that's what everybody wants to know, even his friends.
I have said it. So why can't he just reply me?
It's not fair. In front of him, all my pride is gone. Because I can't gets what I want, and that's how I become more and more selfish...... I want to protect what I still have.......so please let me, let me keep my only pride. Because that's the only thing that has been left for me. And I already lost everything else.
"Nothing." Heero answered coldly.
Relena knew that already.
Yes, what do you expect from him? He's the perfect soldier. He doesn't care about anything, he has only his mission to care about. He doesn't have feelings, he....he is only an empty shell.
"Then, can you leave me alone?" Relena asked.
Am I angry, sad or am I already free? Heero is always the gate I have to pass. Every time I do something, I need to ask for his permission. Between my pride and him, I rather keep my pride and be selfish, I don't know what to say to him. Still, I want to get his attention. And I hate it every time he ignores me, did he lie to me? Or he is speaking the truth?
She ran away. Heero just watched as she left, he didn't feel anything.....his expression, his mood, his eyes were just the same. Cold and scary.
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Relena laid herself down on her bed. It was a tiring day, and tonight....is a sleepless night, just like everyday.
I want to stop asking myself questions.
Because of what happened today?
She heard her mind say to her.
Maybe......
She answered.
You want to give up.
Maybe.......
Then what do you want now?
Travelling
Are you travelling because you want to forget about everything and start a
new life, or are you hiding from your emotions, your love?
It won't make any difference anyway, it's all the same. Dead or alive,
it's only one step between.
You're giving yourself up. Why aren't you crying?
Because there's nothing to cry for.............
Relena got up from her bed. She sat on the bed for awhile, thinking deeply.
Suddenly she stood up, she opened her closet and started packing up her stuff in a backpack. She tightened her shoelaces, and got her coat. Relena threw her stuff down the balcony of her room. Then she jumped down her balcony and landed on her feet. Soon after, she got her backpack and started to leave; however, someone grabbed her fist.
It was Heero, Relena had already guessed. He always watches her in a corner or something.
"Where are you going?" Heero asked in his cold voice.
Relena looked at him in the dark. She couldn't really see his face but she knew he was there.
"To the airport." Relena answered without fear.
Heero looked at her without saying anything. Suddenly he grabbed her bag and opened it, before asking for her permission. However Relena just kept her cool and looked at him.
He didn't have any expression on his face, as always, when he saw there were not much things inside. There was just her wallet and a book. A diary he guessed. And then he handed back her bag to her. She reached out and took it. Then a silence.
There's really nothing to say to him.
"I should protect you all the way on your travelling." Heero said.
What is he trying to do? Travel with me? Well if he really wants to play with me then I'll let him be.
Once again, her pride.
But she was also shaking inside. For not knowing what Heero was planning to do with her. And afraid that she would start to love him again. And lost this game
"Go ahead." Relena said as she turned around, starting to leave without looking at him.
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They boarded the plane that would fly to Cuba.
On the plane, Relena was sitting with Heero in double seats. It was midnight, so Relena fell asleep. Heero slowly reached for her bag. He understood that it's wrong to take away her privacy but he just needed to know why she would bring that diary instead of other stuff.
He opened the first page. It was written on A.C 195, which was a year ago.
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A.C 195 March, Wednesday, Sunny.
My birthday is coming, I hope that father wouldn't be so busy, so Mom and I could go shopping with him.Today, I saw a boy that got washed up on the beach. But he ran away....I hope he is okay.
His eyes blinked, thinking back to the day that they met. Then he went back to reading.
A.C 195 March, Thursday, Cloudy
Tomorrow is my birthday, but Heero Yuy ripped up my invitation. He said that he's going to kill me......
A.C 195 March, Firday, Cloudy
Bad things are happening lately. Don't want to write diary anymore ï
Written by: Wa
Edited and Revised by: Ai
Â
It's nobody's fault
We just don't know how to deal with each other
So please, at this moment, let me go,
Can you leave me
alone....alone...leave me alone
Â
It was a Sunday afternoon. Relena Darlian opened the door and then went inside the Darlian house. She sat down on the couch near the little coffee table. She looked at the phone, the voice message light was on. She looked at it, a little bit 'frozen', thinking who could it be, finally she decided to press the button.
"Beep, Sunday 10:00am" The voice message said. Relena stared at it, waiting for the person who called to speak. But no one was speaking, she only heard the sound of a phone hanging up.
It must be those reporters........
She sighed and then laid herself onto the soft comfortable sofa. She tried to take a nap, but wake up.
Why? Why can't I sleep? Is there something on my mind? .......it would be good if my mind could answer me. Then she thought again.
Stress?... about what? about my job? It has to be the conflict between the earth and colonies today, if it isn't, then what else could it be? Maybe I can't sleep because I didn't find a way to solve the problem. But what can I do to stop them? These little conflict makes me feel so tired. I'm tired of keeping up, keeping up with the speed of how the earth turns. Tired of keeping up with this trend.
I really should get some sleep now.
So Relena closed her eyes and tried to relax.
Try not to think of it, Relena.
Â
She opened her eyes again. She had already forgotten if she had slept or not. Maybe or maybe not, because it was just for 15 minutes that she shut down her memory.
If I can't sleep then I better think of something to do.
She went to the sink in the kitchen. Relena turned on the tap and filled up a watering can. It's been a month since she had watered her plants in her living room. She poured some water into the pot. After finishing the watering, she sat back down in her previous location. Thinking again........
Â
The plants are so silent, they don't speak and won't bother you. I feel
peace and calmness sitting near them.
I don't like standing in a big crowd. Too much people.....too much
violence and words that offend the others. That's why I don't like to
speak, sometimes....I feel tired of speaking to others. Ancient men would
hate me for this, because I'm not using the thing they invented.
But when I become silent, I feel like someone else......it feels like him.
Â
Monday.....
"Relena, are you okay? You seem stressed." Mrs. Darlian exclaimed. Relena just looked down, not saying anything. And walked on.
Sometimes I think that she's annoying, but I also understand that she's protecting me, that's why she does that. She cares about me.....sorry but I can't return the favor. Because I don't want to have friends. I don't want to love a person, because love makes me lose myself.....
She walked outside and into Pagan's car.
"Good morning, Miss Relena." Pagan said.
"Good morning Pagan." Relena forced herself to smile at him.
Pagan is an old person, I don't want to make him unhappy. Is this called being polite to him or am I mocking him?
She fastened her seatbelt.
I want to forget about love. Because of love, I did something that's beyond what I'm supposed to do. I want to forget about him. I want to forget about you, Heero. Because a broken heart would make me give myself up.....that's why......that's why I want to stop loving you........
She looked outside, the world that she was living in was such a stress for her. She opened up the window a little bit, letting the wind blow in. She closed her eyes, feeling the wind, thinking that the wind fairy would talk to her, imagining how beautiful this world could be, if it could become a fairy tale.
But it's only her fairy tale.
Suddenly I feel that without you and without any kind of love is better. And it would be the life for me. Travel to a place where people don't know me and I don't know them. So I don't have to care about them, and they won't care about me.
Some say that a drifter is a disgrace to society, because they do nothing to help the society.........But I'm starting to disagree with them now...because grown ups are just wearing a mask on the outside, all of them. Grown ups just care about them-selves, they are not true to others, even to their friends. Betrayal and hate. All these feelings are just human nature.
I choose not to have friends. In that way nobody can hurt me, I'm untouchable. There will be no competition made upon me. I'm the only one perfect....but this could only be in my fantasy.
The car stopped and Relena stepped out. She entered the school, thinking about the solution she had just given herself.
Should I run away?
She wanted to............
It was 15 minutes before class, so Relena decided to walk out to the balcony to get some fresh air. Just then, in the hallway before Relena got to the balcony, she saw Heero walking towards her with a girl following him. Sylvia Noventa.
She just pretended that she didn't see them together. She smiled a little.
Happy that for the first time, she could ignore them.
No one had ever said that they were going out or anything. It's just because, I'm very sensitive towards it. Every time, I see him, it makes me feel angry. Angry that he doesn't feel anything for me. Angry that I want to get near him. Jealousy, waking up the evil sprit inside of me.
Heero went to her school after the battle between himself and her brother Millardo. And she, she was half student half Vice Foreign Minister. Relena thought that Heero had already taken off his perfect soldier mask to be a student. One time when they were doing a school project together, Relena discovered that he was still the perfect soldier, cold and emotionless.
I'm afraid that I would soon become an evil person who everybody hates. Because I don't know what I would do next.....for love.I've tried to hide my feelings....just like when I saw them together. But, paper can't put out fire.
She didn't expect Heero to come out with her. So she was shocked to see a person behind her when she turned around. Heero was staring at her, standing very still and wasn't surprised that she was shocked. He is the perfect soldier after all.
Heero.................................
Relena didn't say anything. She just stared back at Heero. They were looking at each other like they were in a staring competition, and whoever stops first is the loser.
Loser....Relena thought. She stopped staring at Heero. Still he was not surprised at anything.
"Heero....." Relena said quietly.
"What do you want from me?" Heero just liked to become colder and colder.
It's weird to say something like that when you're the one who's following a person. But Relena understood why....because she had been ignoring him, and pretended not to see him. He was distracted by her presence.
Relena gave him a bitter smile, happy that she could still hear his cold words. Just like when they had first met at the balcony, when he told her that he would destroy her.
"For some reason, I don't like to speak anymore. But if you ask me what I want......" Relena paused and then she started again.
"I want to go somewhere far, to explore this world, when day and night would pass by me slowly." Relena looked up where the birds glided through the sky
"That's too selfish Relena, you have a world to care about." Heero spoke with his deep voice.
"Then, what about me?" Relena looked down. She felt like a child who didn't get a Christmas present when everyone else got one. She wanted to scream that out loud, but the words came out very calm.
"You will be happy then, because you will have achieved what you wanted, Relena." Heero explained.
".....But I don't want happiness....." Relena said, coldly.
Heero looked at her as if he didn't understand. As if Relena was lying to him just to surprise him.
"I don't want happiness because it brings me sadness.....every time." Relena explained.
Heero paused for a second. He hold his head down, he started to speak.........
"Are you trying to get rid of your emotions?" He got straight to the point.
Relena was shocked. She hadn't thought of that, for all that she had been doing.
Am.....I? How come I have never thought of that?
"Heero....I don't know?" Relena was thinking deeply about why she couldn't answer her problem.
"I've tried so hard to get my emotions back, why do you have to be like me?" Heero asked.
He means I'm just like him? Trying to answer my own questions and solve every problem.....? How can it be? If I'm selfish, how can I scarifice my life for other people?
"Because..........." Relena tried to get an answer but she couldn't. Her body was shaking, like someone was threatening her. Because Heero had seen through her.
So all that I've been doing was following the road, leading me towards an emotionless self?
"Because what?" Heero leaned against the balcony railing and looked down with pity in his eyes.
Why does Heero want to get his emotions back? Doesn't he like being emotionless? I mean, being the Perfect Soldier, nothing can harm him.
"Because.....because of you." Relena said.
I don't even know what I'm doing, but I've said it. Because of him, I've become proud, selfish, mean, cold and ridiculous.
"..............."
"Say something Heero, what is your reaction? What do you feel?" Relena asked, with a serious expression on her face, telling him that she really really wants to know. That's true, because that's what everybody wants to know, even his friends.
I have said it. So why can't he just reply me?
It's not fair. In front of him, all my pride is gone. Because I can't gets what I want, and that's how I become more and more selfish...... I want to protect what I still have.......so please let me, let me keep my only pride. Because that's the only thing that has been left for me. And I already lost everything else.
"Nothing." Heero answered coldly.
Relena knew that already.
Yes, what do you expect from him? He's the perfect soldier. He doesn't care about anything, he has only his mission to care about. He doesn't have feelings, he....he is only an empty shell.
"Then, can you leave me alone?" Relena asked.
Am I angry, sad or am I already free? Heero is always the gate I have to pass. Every time I do something, I need to ask for his permission. Between my pride and him, I rather keep my pride and be selfish, I don't know what to say to him. Still, I want to get his attention. And I hate it every time he ignores me, did he lie to me? Or he is speaking the truth?
She ran away. Heero just watched as she left, he didn't feel anything.....his expression, his mood, his eyes were just the same. Cold and scary.
Â
Relena laid herself down on her bed. It was a tiring day, and tonight....is a sleepless night, just like everyday.
I want to stop asking myself questions.
Because of what happened today?
She heard her mind say to her.
Maybe......
She answered.
You want to give up.
Maybe.......
Then what do you want now?
Travelling
Are you travelling because you want to forget about everything and start a
new life, or are you hiding from your emotions, your love?
It won't make any difference anyway, it's all the same. Dead or alive,
it's only one step between.
You're giving yourself up. Why aren't you crying?
Because there's nothing to cry for.............
Relena got up from her bed. She sat on the bed for awhile, thinking deeply.
Suddenly she stood up, she opened her closet and started packing up her stuff in a backpack. She tightened her shoelaces, and got her coat. Relena threw her stuff down the balcony of her room. Then she jumped down her balcony and landed on her feet. Soon after, she got her backpack and started to leave; however, someone grabbed her fist.
It was Heero, Relena had already guessed. He always watches her in a corner or something.
"Where are you going?" Heero asked in his cold voice.
Relena looked at him in the dark. She couldn't really see his face but she knew he was there.
"To the airport." Relena answered without fear.
Heero looked at her without saying anything. Suddenly he grabbed her bag and opened it, before asking for her permission. However Relena just kept her cool and looked at him.
He didn't have any expression on his face, as always, when he saw there were not much things inside. There was just her wallet and a book. A diary he guessed. And then he handed back her bag to her. She reached out and took it. Then a silence.
There's really nothing to say to him.
"I should protect you all the way on your travelling." Heero said.
What is he trying to do? Travel with me? Well if he really wants to play with me then I'll let him be.
Once again, her pride.
But she was also shaking inside. For not knowing what Heero was planning to do with her. And afraid that she would start to love him again. And lost this game
"Go ahead." Relena said as she turned around, starting to leave without looking at him.
Â
They boarded the plane that would fly to Cuba.
On the plane, Relena was sitting with Heero in double seats. It was midnight, so Relena fell asleep. Heero slowly reached for her bag. He understood that it's wrong to take away her privacy but he just needed to know why she would bring that diary instead of other stuff.
He opened the first page. It was written on A.C 195, which was a year ago.
Â
A.C 195 March, Wednesday, Sunny.
My birthday is coming, I hope that father wouldn't be so busy, so Mom and I could go shopping with him.Today, I saw a boy that got washed up on the beach. But he ran away....I hope he is okay.
His eyes blinked, thinking back to the day that they met. Then he went back to reading.
A.C 195 March, Thursday, Cloudy
Tomorrow is my birthday, but Heero Yuy ripped up my invitation. He said that he's going to kill me......
A.C 195 March, Firday, Cloudy
Bad things are happening lately. Don't want to write diary anymore ï