Hello! I'm just writing this story by ear y'know, I mean, I more or less have the plot outlined out but each happy little scene comes from whatever pops into my head; I only hope I am consistent enough. This story is about…oh, 4/5 done, give or take a little. Then again, I'm having so much fun with it I might end up stretching it out for a while…someone tell me if it gets mundane and tiresome. As a matter of fact, someone tell me anything, anything at all about this story, please. I'll still write it off course if no one ever reviews again (which I totally deserve for abandoning y'all for so long) but I really, really am curious to see if there's still interest lurking about out there. It'd make me very happy. And we all want to make me happy, write? (hahaha--I seriously misspelled "right" (and they say I'm gifted) and then when Microsoft Word underlined it red and I went back to fix it, I realized I had inadvertently made a pun! Yay! Everyone loves puns :)Because happy cheese comes from…wait, no, I'm not a cow am I? Drats. Oh well, cows can't type anyway, and I do come from sunny California, so yea…happy stories come from happy (human) authors. And yes, I acknowledge the fact that I just rambled on for centuries, but it doesn't really matter because most people don't read these notes, and if they do, well, hopefully they have found my random-run-on-sentences amusing, and will therefore decide to return the favor with a review! And all will be well. Read on.

It's also a bit on the darkish side--someone tell me if I need to up the rating ok? I think its ok, but confirmation would be nice.

And oh, I just watched Dogma and suddenly I'm in spiritual mode. So yea. Now you can read on.

~*~

Ch.6-Mirages of Life (Where is God?)

"C-cindy, is that you?" Sam asked wearily, trying to keep his jaw from dropping ten feet to the floor.

She rolled her eyes, "duh, who did you think it was, Sher?"

"It's just you look, um, different."

She grinned confidently, "I know, don't I look fabulous?"

"Er…"

While Sam was still racking his brains for an appropriate response that would express how disappointed he was in her actions and wouldn't be overly insulting (all he could think of was "what in the name of Steve Martin have you done to yourself you crazy psychotic drone who obviously came from out space?!") , he vaguely noticed that he had lost Cindy's attention, as her head was turned towards the keg in the back, her eyes glued to the tap. "'Scuse me Sam, I gotta go fill up."

And Sam stared at her retreating back, and wondered if there was a god.

~

"Kim, come on, don't try and play games with me…" Daniel complained, angry at the fact that his attempt to stick his hand down Kim's jeans had failed miserably.

"Would you just chill? I'm not in the mood."

"You're never in the mood lately…what's up with that?"

"Nothing," she said sulkily, eyes averted to the rearview mirror.

"C'mon Kimmy, I know you want me…you're just playing hard-to-get…"

"Daniel, get off! I said NO, Jesus Christ, what are you, thick or something?"

"Hey I'm not the one with the problem here, I'm not being a prude little bitch."

"At least I'm not an asshole like you," she said crossly.

"Man! This is enough! Why in the hell don't you want to have sex with me? What, do I reek or something?"

"Yea, you do," she snorted…"but that's not it…it's just, just, ugh, never mind."

"What? Come on, what?"

"Well…look at Lindsey, she's pregnant."

"So?"

"So numbskull, that could be me."

"What? No way, you're prettier."

"Daniel! You're not listening…I could get pregnant."

"You won't get pregnant."

"How do you know?"

"What? I, I just do. Now come on Kimmy--"

"DANIEL! I don't want to have a baby! I'm not ready for that yet!"

"You could always get that operation thingy."

"Do you have six hundred bucks just in case?"

"Oh so what, now you're charging for sex?"

"What! That's it! I'm leaving!"

"Good riddance!"

"Fuck off!

"Back atcha ho!"

~

The boy clutched his pillow tightly, hugging it for all it was worth. Despite being curled up under the covers he shivered from the icy winds blowing within his soul. The dark walls loomed tall and menacing, shadows danced like fire, taunting him and whispering secrets, even his rows of star wars collectibles seemed to be glaring at him out of their plastic casings. He knew within the deepest black hole of his heart that his existence on earth was utterly pointless. The world didn't know who he was, his parents didn't know who he really was, he didn't even know who he was.

"Get a grip," he whispered to himself in the dark, "you're Neal Schweiber, you love Steve Martin and sweater vests…and Lindsey Wier…"

His heart wrenched painfully and a muffled sob escaped. It was no use. The whole world was against him…but what was worst, he was against himself.

~

"I still can't believe you're going to sell your drum-set for me…I just, I don't know what to say."

"Hey, don't worry about it," he shrugged, "it's my fault anyway."

She stared at the way her shoelaces drooped off her shoes, untied and depressed. Drifting. Just like her life after her grandmother died. Vague hazy memories of oatmeal cookies, too many cats, and a ready grin were consumed by pure unfiltered fear. Why? Where was god when her grandmother was dying? Where was god when she was lost, alone and confused, loosing her faith in everything that she had known? Where was god when it turned blue? Here was god. Here was a boy, a boy who loved something so much--dedicating his every waking moment to it--giving up his soul to save her. Here he was, willing to sacrifice the only thing that ever brought him happiness, so she wouldn't fall off life's tracks. No, god was not an old man in a white beard and long robe, god was the goodness that lived in every soul. She was blessed.

~

Sam watched her disappear into the dark bedroom, football player in toe. He had watched her tinkling laugh turn seductive, her gentle lips turn crimson, her whole beautiful body turn wild with beer and excitement. Guys had hung over her every word all night, glad to pour a refill on her slightest whim; her cup had never reached half-empty. It all made him want to cry with longing over who she had been…and with guilt. He knew in his guts it was all his fault. The whispers, the rumors, he couldn't pretend he didn't know…while he hadn't really minded them it suddenly occurred to him that she might. While it was perfectly acceptable for guys to have sex it was a totally different thing for a girl. She was a slut, a bitch, a back stabbing boyfriend stealer. She had only transformed into the gossip that had been spreading…she had lost her self, and all Sam could see was her ghost.

~

"So you have the money right?"

"Yea…all six hundred bucks."

"Cool. So like, when are you meeting the Doc again?"

"I have an appointment for Thursday."

"Hey, so like, need me to come? Or whatever."

"What? Oh, Kim, that'd be great…"

"Yea, well, you know, whatever. I had nothing else better to do anyway."

"Thanks," Lindsey said quietly and appreciatively. Kim Kelly, while not your typical girlfriend, as she would more likely run you over with her car than invite you to her house for a sleepover to watch the latest chick-flick, eat ice-cream, give you a makeover and gossip about cute guys, was still one hell of a friend.

~

"So what are you gonna do 'bout Lindsey?"

"Huh?" Nick asked, putting on his sneakers. He was leaving the hospital, today, finally (he never thought he'd say this but green jello soon got old).

"We know 'bout her…situation, man, that's tough."

Nick glanced up through the hair falling into his face, "what? She told you?" He asked incredulously, that just didn't seem like Lindsey…

"Nah man, Kim let it slip. She was totally pissed, even though we told her, it's cool."

"So are you gonna marry her?"

"WHAT? Ken my man, how stoned are you? Of course Nick ain't gonna marry her! Man, who'd want baggage at sixteen? That's messed."

Nick looked down at his beaten up tennis shoes. In truth he knew the question wasn't that unreasonable. When Lindsey had first told him she was pregnant, well ok, after he regained consciousness in the hospital and remembered she had told him she was pregnant, his first thought had been marriage. In fact, he had just begun to word his proposal when she asked him for the money. He was actually quite taken aback. An abortion seemed more radical than a wedding ceremony to him. In fact, the thought that she might want to get rid of it hadn't even occurred to him, and when it registered that she was yes, definitely not keeping it, he was almost appalled. Sure he was by no definition a republican, but they had made life together, brand new miraculous innocent life…he had even hoped he could name the baby Nick Jr.

"She's actually getting the operation," he said quietly, and no one picked up his tone of regret.

~

Sam left early, well early in party terms, half-an-hour past his bedtime though. The party sucked. It really did. Everyone was so superficial, giggling and dancing with random people just to make ex's jealous…and they were all so…so…drunk. Just plain messed up--like, seriously. It was pathetic. People couldn't have a good time unless they were chugging poison. (They didn't know the value of a good D&D game, where the only drink anybody needed to get a buzz was orange soda.) There were people vomiting on plush unstained carpets, people whose head were in the toilets because they had passed out and there friends thought it'd be funny to give them a swirlie, people way too drunk to drive yet getting behind the wheel anyway…what was the world coming too?

~

Lindsey took a deep breath. This was it. This was the moment of truth. The rest of her life balanced on the pinpoint edge of this one crucial moment. She felt like she was standing on the top of a two-dimensional plane above a sea of nothingness. If she took a single step the plane would shift, and she would have to scramble back to keep from sliding off the edge into nonexistence. "Damn mathletes," she muttered…after all, she was paralyzed with fear and all she could think about was geometry. Once again taking a deep breath she closed her eyes and imagined a cool tropical oasis in the midst of sand dunes and cacti. It was an image from childhood that never failed to relax her. "Life is one big mirage," she whispered, "you just have to look for what's real."

~*~

Next chapter is seriously exciting. It all sort of climaxes…and we'll see what happens--(warning: gets kinda dark). 'Till then!

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