:::A Kenshin and Kaoru love story:::
-K+K forever-
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Another simple day, a very plain sight and yet, It is full of beauty.
The sun was up, but I was first.
I always wake up early racing against the sun.
Like a game who will come out first.
I always win.
We used to do this before, me and him...
We would wake up early, earlier than the marvelous sun, a stunning horizon to watch the moon dissapear and slowly poke its face to as, young dwellers under the sky so wonderful, so spectacular… and so splendid.
Enjoying the warmth of each rays striking in my soul… in our soul…
We were very young at that time and also very… in love, love doesn't choose any age, any time…I often read and hear people say such wonderful sayings about love but it's just now… It's just now that finally… I finally understood all of them… love does not ask why because it is a reason itself. Funny how I can say this…I never knew I had some talent into expressing… maybe because my heart makes its own way… own language of speaking…
It does not ask what if because it takes all risks and love does not ask until when because it knows no time. See, how can I do this?
It was insanity; we were like stupid psychotics hehe.
I really didn't care; we didn't care, as long we were happy, very much.
Plain as it may look but we had the time of our lives, I had no idea that one day I would be feeling all of these… that the person my heart is beating to silently sits with me and watch the moon pop away and then the sun shows its half round face.
It was a nice scene.
A very miraculous, an amazing picture so perfect. But still your smile, you… perfect than any picture in this world…
I could clearly remember the past, everything was coming so clear and like it just happen yesterday, all details, especially when I sit here in my chair, the chair where I used to share with him, this chair who had witnessed hundreds of sunrises…
And below, just below the blue-crystalled sky, I could clearly see his face, like engulfing the clouds so pure and white. It sure is him…
It was Kenshin's face in there, then I would eventually raised my hand craving for the touch of his face, pretending that he was near,
But he is near,
He lies silently here in my heart.
I was starting to cry again but I'd later wipe them, knowing that Kenshin, my Kenshin would not be happy, and it was not good for me and the… it was quite long by now, more than eight months have I sat in this chair watching the sun.
But you know I still find each day a perfect one like of those before because hope inside me did not die.
I still continued what we always do before, trying to recall yesterday not forgetting them, I would never regret the time I met him, no, nope, not even a single minute will I regret.
I'm thankful of what I have now, of what happened…
Everyday I go here exactly at six and then stare at the sun all day without me getting bored, I was enjoying myself, feeling the sun's rays upon me, the sensation it gives me for another strength-filled day, the scent of all the flowers swaying in my garden and the clouds in the sky drifts perfectly, like they were in unison and they march hesitantly, the aroma, the fragrant scent of the flowers all around my garden mingling with me… swaying into my face… my body… my whole being… especially the pink ones… I remember his clothes… the color of his hair and then… everything.
I miss him but I'm not afraid,
Knowing that I am loved.
I was the only person in there and yet, I'm not alone, I don't feel lonely, I feel Kenchin's just here, staying with me all day each moment.
Each day I go here and enjoy myself like of those days before, sitting closely with Kenchin is everything I could die for and even now he's not here, I still feel his presence, like he's just beside me, accompanying me while watching the sky so beautiful. I just know it… I just know that his arms are embracing me and my face is with his…
An intimacy with his heart and mine… together… And just thinking of his memory makes me complete again, whole again because I know even my eyes may not see him, my heart will always be with him, that's for sure, I know it.
I know that it is already the time… the time I have been waiting for so long, after long nine months, our baby will be born today.
Maybe this sunset or any time now, this precious, precious baby.
His baby, this baby, me and Kenshin's fruit of unbearing love, I shall call him…Kenji…It was a month before I knew, after one month, after that one night when we… he did not know any of it, he… without knowing that I'm… carrying his child, the cause of what we did one night.
Sanosuke, Megumi, Misao, Yahiko, Tsubame and the others were very shock but I was happy, proud that here in my womb, I carry his fruit, his child.
Even he had not known about it, that he didn't find out that something was made, I was very happy, a very contented woman, that now, I am finally a mother… Kenji… he whispered… he whispered so melancholy in my ears that night… he whispered in my ears when I was with him…near to his body… one with his heart… I was tired; it was the most unexplainable thing but the most perfect experience in my life… I lay beside him feeling his warmth and enjoying the tender arms around my body… hearing him breath faintly and feeling his lips brushing into mine… ooohh Kenshin… my eyes were closed but I now he is there…here… watching me… looking at my face… gazing at me…my heart is smiling… and I felt his lips pressed to mine… ooh… I want to shout but I laid still to that sweet lips I had found…he still thinks I am sleeping, hep, Kenshin no baka…I smile again… baka! Easy to fool… I was blushing but I still pretended that I was sleeping… then he whispered Kenji… Kenji… I was quite confused but I wasn't alarmed instead I breathe wonderfully, that's a sweet name. I wonder why he whispered such an angelic name, a sweet name that echoed through the early mist and comforted the cold wind of the dawn…a sweet name… now I know… Kenji… that's the name he wanted me to give our son… Kenji…
Now I have proven…he was mending to propose that night… but… I was silly, I kissed him and… I almost tortured myself with the idea thinking I was such a low, pickle-minded girl who can't control her feelings, but who could blame me? Keeping all the desires for 3 years and each single day I just keep on falling in love with him much more, who could have not done what I did? I was a girl, in love with a samurai; I met one day in the road… I wanted something to happen… my heart was pounding thinking that I have done the wrong thing, the most turn-off thing he could ever think towards me. What if he rejects me? What if he turns away? Or just say thank you and never will he show his face to me… but it was magic… I can't even thought that… it's not magic… it's… he didn't refuse… ooohh… I could still remember how he carried me to his chambers… now I know… he really wanted to go on with his life… to make a family… I am thankful coz it was me that he chose… he wanted me to become a mother… the mother of his child…thank you Kenshin…thank you for showing me what the world really means that night…thank you for fulfilling my heart and making my life complete… I never did know for the whole 3 years if he had felt the same for me, his tender gaze and his helpful hands showed that he cared for me but it was also like with others and it just makes me even more confused. Sometimes I want to slap him for being so careless to notice but I just can't… seeing him hurt or him just being sad burns my soul and I get so envious of him how he could make me fat and healthy with his outstanding recipes, the way he washes my clothes and how he keeps everything in order here in my kendo, how he can deal with any challenge and how he deals with children and how to make them laugh and how to make every woman love him… indeed, I was given such a perfect man… oh kenshin…
I was to tell him that day but… right in front of my very eyes, a crazy warrior… Hitokiri battousai…
I don't want to believe at that time, I push my words that it can't be, it just can't be, not him, not Kenshin now or ever.
But reality slip into time and I was dying at that moment, I did almost everything for my memory to stop reminiscing and my heart from crying.
I stayed all inside my room for a week or more, I really didn't know… careless of what would happen to me and the baby, I wanted to die, I have taught of all the possible things I could do to get me my life, to kill myself to be with him sooner for I can't live without him, but I was stupid…so stupid…
I was tormented at that moment, at that scene I saw, why? Why in front of me? Why must he go away? Why did I come late? Why?…
Why right below my feet?
Why does he need to…? Why?…
Why?… those are all the questions, the words I could say… why did you go…
I wanted to slap him or something I want to shout and cry so loud, so loud that all the people in the whole world would hear… why is he being so careless?!
He knows that I will never be Kaoru without a Kenshin, without him, he knew that I would be a tree without leaves, a flower without a scent, a rainbow without a color, an ocean without water, a sun without warmth, a human without a heart.
I need him, so much… I was crazy. I became insane.
Why do destiny and fate hate me?
Why now?
Now… Now… that we're having our baby.
Why didn't he take me away with him? Why?…
Why just not me?
Why must it be him?
The only man I ever gave myself, I ever loved, Kenshin Himura.
Kenshin why did you? Why did you leave me!
I still want to embrace you and wrap myself in your protective arms.
I still want to punch your head off…
I still want to lie down below you, you above me…
I still want to shout your name… to moan it… Kenshin…
To know that when it's dark, I want you to be my cover… my blanket for the coldness and for all the challenges…
To have a new future painted in your life…
No where to be but just by your side…
To run and chase you after you tease me again…
To fix your bed each morning…
To eat together with you…
I still want to watch you sleeping while I peep at you sometimes…
I still want to kiss your lips…
To touch your cheeks and hair…
To feel your touch…your body…
I still want to look into your eyes…
Hear you speak softly…
See you smile…
I still want you…
I still want to do it with you…
To have it again with you…
I still want you…
I need you…
I still need you to be the source of my life…
Kenhin Himura I'd happily give myself before him a thousand times and he promised me… that he would never leave me… never, that we would sit together staring at the lovely sunrise everyday.
He fulfilled it before that faithful incident.
He made it possible to do his promise each day but… I never want to stop crying until I found out that he died saving… saving the woman he love, he died protecting me… Enishi… him…he came back to avenge his hearth aches… before I met him… Enishi was living with me… he grew fond of our friendship and wanted me to have it more… he started falling in love with me without me knowing…one day he proposed and I… I… what would I do? I was naive and young… I did the wrong thing… is it really wrong? Wrong to refuse someone who loved you so but you don't love? Is it? Yes, it is, coz if it was right, if I accepted his marriage…I wouldn't be as complete as I am today…we don't play games to put feelings… I was not feeling anything… I love him… but as my friend… as a brother… I taught he would understand…
Then he came…and I wouldn't be the most fulfilled woman now…
Since that day he hated him…
He went away for more than several years that finally he had given up and wished me luck… that he is now finally lighten that he should be happy for where I am… is where I am happy… with him was more than happiness… I taught he knew these things…
He should be happy because I'm happy being with Kenshin. Just seeing him is enough for me to die, my day would then be perfect.
Everything was in hand when I'd see his red, fragrant hair, the warmth of his smile that never failed to make me so cherished
And those eyes, those little lilac, understanding, perfect eyes that seem to have all the security in the world. Those eyes I gaze all the time… those eyes I just love to look, those eyes of him I often dreamed, no, I always dream, each day, each night, each moment.
He just can't fail to melt me when he looks at me…
I would shout inside but I would try to remain silent, keeping all the emotions inside for the whole world might overflow… because of how much I felt…Enishi just can't accept that I'd be loving one man only... always… He went away and made himself powerful, I didn't know any of it until when he came back, I taught he would bring good luck to me and Kenchin, now that we were finally one, but the opposite happened
I choked every part of me when I heard that.
He died saving me from that dirty damn man. Why did you? Is it because of love? Or it's anger and lust??? I'm sorry Enishi… I didn't mean to hurt you…you were my best friend…
I don't want to accept that he could do such a thing, I don't even want to believe, everything is just in a mess, a lie… yes, a lie... I've repeated these words
Sorrow and grief are all I could ever see at that time.
He swore that he would never give him me, his only treasure even it would cost him his life, he will, even he had to die a hundreds times, for the only girl, now a woman… he will… he will…
They battled and they both… I came late, I only saw them lying on the floor, all blood, it was hell, one was a cold, hard body, the other was struggling to speak, Kenshin… my Kenshin. Noooo…
I was holding him, hugging him, shouting, crying, I suddenly felt weak, my strength suddenly vanished and I can't even move a bit when I saw him covered with blood, I almost hit the ground… I fell.
I wanted to share with him my own blood not to shout… I wanted to become close, closer than ever…
I felt like I was going to loose him, but hope inside my heart was struggling to fight that feeling, it was exploding inside my head, my heart, that he won't die… He won't leave me…
I don't want to think about it.
It just won't happen, no, never… he will not depart, he will continue his promise…
He promised me that night…
I wanted to shout but there's just no sound coming out of me, my mouth was open but there was no plain, single sound that left my mouth, my voice was lost…
My strength failed me.
All I could do is to hug him, his arms hugging me too, we were on an embrace and how I gave all the prayers into the whole world to stop time even just for a while, that it will be staying like this forever, close to him, hearing his heart beating, I would then be alive, I never want to let go, I was calling God inside, a call I never tried too hard in my whole life, just now… even how much I tried I couldn't speak, all I could do is to hold him tight while my eyes were unstoppably crying, tears were everywhere, all over my face and into his upper kimono, the pink one, the one that he always wear, his favorite. But I don't want to cry coz he doesn't want to see me cry…
My eyes were flooding with tears that could not be stop, they're uncontrollable, they go down from my eyes down to my cheeks…
I was shaking, afraid that someone will get him from me, and then he whispered before his last breath these words…
"You will never be lonely… Ai shiteru… Kaoru…"
I wanted to answer back, though I could not speak, I tried to get all what I have inside to answer him, but my tears were just the one responding, I was… I don't know, then I manage to utter something through the help of my heart, the strength of my heart not the strength of my mouth or my voice.
I was uttering onegai… *please don't leave me* when everything went all down, no more energy that my body could give, could sustain to be conscious, everything was black, I fainted.
The next morning I woke up and he's still on my mind, my heart, I wanted to find him, look for him that he is just find, he's peacefully sitting on our chair waiting for me to share watching the sunrise. But the memory struggled to come in and then all the pain was back again, a doom for me, I don't even want to wake anymore… because I'll have to face the bitter fate of destiny for me nor I wanted to sleep, because even in the darkest of my sleep, I still mourn too deep… so sorrowfully, so painfully. I just wanted to die…
I just wanted to be with him, staying where he is, staying with him forever…
How much I convinced myself that it was just a lie, a dream, but no, even in dreams, I can't bear to see him in pain, it just gives me the ache more than ever…
And I really didn't care that he was slain by a dirty bastard who loved me so much, he's still the greatest warrior for me, I never doubt of it, I thought of that and I know that and will continue to believe.
He is the greatest warrior because he got my heart and up until now… he still have it…
He was my only one and will always be the one hero… forever…
I taught I could never go on, that I could never stand up and face the world if he's not with me, in my side.
Everything was nothing without him.
Then I suddenly remembered the baby, our baby, I should not loose hope, I shouldn't give up… this baby inside me is going to live until I shall bear him in to this world, I may not say cruel, this is not a cruel world, because in here, it is here where I met my soulmate, because if not in this world, I would not see the man I love the most.
If not in this world, my eyes would never meet him and truly know what love is…
And I don't hate fate… coz it is for the same reason that brought me the most wonderful person in my life…
I'm still fortunate, very fortunate because in here, I found him. Kenchin Himura.
I tried to stand, until little by little I was getting the pieces that fell to continue.
It was hard at first but his memory makes me stronger… I think of him and he gives me more courage than ever.
I get my source from him, my love.
This child is our child.
I must live for the sake of all of us, me. Kenchin and Kenji…
He had taught a lot to me, a lot that I would never learned if I never knew him, and I could say that I'm the luckiest woman in the whole universe...
I knew love because of him…
If there are nights when you feel so afraid, never think it's endless; it's not always loneliness that conquers life.
He taught me.
He showed me…
There would surely be a day, a sunrise, symbolizing a bright future…
When you're sad, just look at the sky and then the sun would be shining at you, smiling…
I was able to recover because of him, because of this baby... because of love.
It's not the end of everything if someone special went away… or if he's not by your side, what matters most is the heart… as long as love reigns inside, there would never be ends, no goodbyes my heart would always be joined, always together… for what matters only is the love biding us…together forever…
It doesn't affect or change whether he's a million miles away, or even no exact measurement could even assume how far he is, he is beside me…I know it…
He will always be beside me, I trust you… and even the farthest distance could not part us because we are one, always our hearts will be together until the end of forever.
And this he made clear that if there are sunsets, following them are always sunrises... and I know, I know that even he was not there when I bore Kenji, I just know, he is smiling down at me from heaven...
~Owari~
I taught I could never see the sun again
Then, you came… just when….
My heart whispers through the night…
That you're beside me… holding me tight…
I will continue because of this strength…
I will always be strong…because you will spend…
Knowing that you're with me…
Is the only thing that I know to go on till the end…
We will always be together…
Even far away, holding hands…
Watching each others eyes…
Embracing all tight…
Lying silently… you rest here inside…
The love we have, yours and mine…And you… all I need through and through….
You… here in my heart… all I need to continue…
AI SHITEIRU…
I LOVE YOU…
~ burning flame (2001)
blueraindrops©Sunrises2001
eugene_and_me@hotmail.com