Dear Diary,
Oh my god [so would that be 'oh my father? Oh my cousin? Oh my me?'], you will never guess what out Aphrodite has gone and done? She cheated on a contest that should have been one by me, and will have managed to cause a lot of trouble in the meanwhile! She never thinks before she does something, she just wants it and does not think about it. Ok, so that might be my fault as when she took my mirror without asking and then smashed it took her wisdom out of her head and smashed it, but that is beside the point!!!!
Ok, maybe I need to explain a point here. What happened was, a few years ago dad was doing his usual thing and made this woman conceive a girl- except he visited her in the shape of a swan, yeah? So she gave birth to an egg, from which this girl called Helen emerged, the most beautiful woman ever [although I still maintain that I'm cuter...]. She lived ok with her sister Clytemnestra, and they ended up marrying brothers. Clytemnestra got Agamemnon, who became King of Mycenae- a nice guy, a bit slow and devoted to duty, but he seemed ok. Helen got his younger brother Menelaus, who is actually a bit yummy [but that is besides the point] and they became the king and queen of Sparta. I popped into the wedding, which was fairly nice and stuff, they had some nice vol-u-vents and the speeches were blissfully short. Helen's cousin Penelope came, who from what I can tell is really boring, but she happened to bring her husband, Odysseus. Now this is my idea of a man- he's just about the right height for me, great build, great body, shame about the wife. I'd ask Artemis to strike her with an arrow, but we're not on speaking terms anymore...
Right, that's Helen's background sorted, ok? Now, at some random wedding I had to go to [hey, I have a lot of relatives, you expect me to know who?] everyone came to this fantastic party except one person, the goddess of spite. Now, she was very annoyed about this and decided to ruin it for everyone. She got this golden apple, and attached a note saying 'for the fairest' to it, and threw this onto the main dance floor. Well, as soon as that label got spotted every goddess leapt on it, a real cat fight ensued, even Artemis was seen scratching at people and pulling at Hestia's hair...like either of them even had a chance of getting it! Now, if it had said 'for the most boring person to come into the world ever' then they might have had a better chance. As it was, the contest eventually came down to three of us...well, when I say three, what I mean is me and two other people to make it look like it was actually a contest. Hera, Aphrodite [the pretenders to my title] and I went to see dad and get him to judge which of us was the most beautiful. Well, the coward looked at us all and then his feet, and sort of mumbled that it wasn't really fair of him to judge as he thought all of us were beautiful, we were all his special girls and everything. Personally I reckon he doesn't want to offend Aphrodite and make her curse him to being unattractive to women, and Hera is down to give him some tonight, so he couldn't really do what he wanted and give me the apple. He lamely suggested that we got someone impartial to judge it, and the idea was decided that we would get the best looking mortal man to judge the contest. It was decided that this lad called Paris could do it, he is one of the Princes of Troy and he is pretty darn cute, although I can't really have a crush on him as I still haven't got over that Odysseus lad.
So we went down and found this Paris, who looked a bit stunned to have three goddess swoop down on him, although he didn't die of fright or anything which you have to give him credit for. We explained the rules to him fairly simply, and he grasped them after a while, while cute he doesn't seem to have the brains blessed to even something I would give small amounts of wisdom too...I must have been exceptionally annoyed that day, and took it out on the people I was meant to be bestowing wisdom upon. That'll teach....someone. So, Paris took this opportunity to ogle three goddesses, and looked thoroughly pleased about it as well, and I couldn't even entertain the thought of smiting him for it [for more than a few moments until I remembered we had asked him to- hey, the temptation is always there, ok? I have a problem...] Aphrodite gave him a little wink and Hera a coy little wave, I just glared at him and made a pointed gesture with my spear. He winced, so that message penetrated even his thick skull. He asked to take us one by one off, so he could examine us better and from all angles. Can't really contest that, can you? So he took off Hera first, about ten minutes later she came back with a smile on her face and gestured for me to go and see Paris. As soon as I was stood in front of him he asked nervously if there was any chance of a naked viewing, I think my stare pretty much answered that one for him. Anyway, I thought that Hera and Aphrodite would cheat so I thought that a little...persuasion might be in order, so I offered to let him be the best soldier in the world, and he would ever loose a battle. He looked pretty intrigued, so I thought it, combined with that I am hot, would win me the contest . Went back through to Aphrodite, sent her through with a little smirk of my own, earning me a suspicious look from her. When she and Paris came back I stood confidently, sure I would be the winner. But noooooo, Paris and Aphrodite have some little scheme going on and she got picked as winner- and you could tell from the little wink she gave Paris just before he gave her the apple that she knew he would pick her.
Later on found out from dad what she had given him in return...the love of the most beautiful woman hin the world, Helen of Sparta, my half sister. Except that she is already married to Menelaus, which is a problem as when Paris and Aphrodite went to see the couple, Paris stayed with them and then stole Helen away to Troy. Now Helen's other suitors other than Menelaus, who all swore to serve Menelaus once after he won Helen's hand in marriage. Men, why can't they make simple agreements?! So they're all trooping off to Troy to fetch Helen back, and as goddess of war I have to go and keep an eye on them, with that idiot Ares. The only consolation is that Odysseus should be coming as well, he was one of the suitors, yay!
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people like? I took the advice to upgrade the rating to a PG, have tried to tone it down though as I really don't want it to go any further, I think Green myths should be accessible and stuff....but I have no idea how you would write about them without mentioning sex a lot...if you don't like never read some of the earlier myths, hehe
Oh my god [so would that be 'oh my father? Oh my cousin? Oh my me?'], you will never guess what out Aphrodite has gone and done? She cheated on a contest that should have been one by me, and will have managed to cause a lot of trouble in the meanwhile! She never thinks before she does something, she just wants it and does not think about it. Ok, so that might be my fault as when she took my mirror without asking and then smashed it took her wisdom out of her head and smashed it, but that is beside the point!!!!
Ok, maybe I need to explain a point here. What happened was, a few years ago dad was doing his usual thing and made this woman conceive a girl- except he visited her in the shape of a swan, yeah? So she gave birth to an egg, from which this girl called Helen emerged, the most beautiful woman ever [although I still maintain that I'm cuter...]. She lived ok with her sister Clytemnestra, and they ended up marrying brothers. Clytemnestra got Agamemnon, who became King of Mycenae- a nice guy, a bit slow and devoted to duty, but he seemed ok. Helen got his younger brother Menelaus, who is actually a bit yummy [but that is besides the point] and they became the king and queen of Sparta. I popped into the wedding, which was fairly nice and stuff, they had some nice vol-u-vents and the speeches were blissfully short. Helen's cousin Penelope came, who from what I can tell is really boring, but she happened to bring her husband, Odysseus. Now this is my idea of a man- he's just about the right height for me, great build, great body, shame about the wife. I'd ask Artemis to strike her with an arrow, but we're not on speaking terms anymore...
Right, that's Helen's background sorted, ok? Now, at some random wedding I had to go to [hey, I have a lot of relatives, you expect me to know who?] everyone came to this fantastic party except one person, the goddess of spite. Now, she was very annoyed about this and decided to ruin it for everyone. She got this golden apple, and attached a note saying 'for the fairest' to it, and threw this onto the main dance floor. Well, as soon as that label got spotted every goddess leapt on it, a real cat fight ensued, even Artemis was seen scratching at people and pulling at Hestia's hair...like either of them even had a chance of getting it! Now, if it had said 'for the most boring person to come into the world ever' then they might have had a better chance. As it was, the contest eventually came down to three of us...well, when I say three, what I mean is me and two other people to make it look like it was actually a contest. Hera, Aphrodite [the pretenders to my title] and I went to see dad and get him to judge which of us was the most beautiful. Well, the coward looked at us all and then his feet, and sort of mumbled that it wasn't really fair of him to judge as he thought all of us were beautiful, we were all his special girls and everything. Personally I reckon he doesn't want to offend Aphrodite and make her curse him to being unattractive to women, and Hera is down to give him some tonight, so he couldn't really do what he wanted and give me the apple. He lamely suggested that we got someone impartial to judge it, and the idea was decided that we would get the best looking mortal man to judge the contest. It was decided that this lad called Paris could do it, he is one of the Princes of Troy and he is pretty darn cute, although I can't really have a crush on him as I still haven't got over that Odysseus lad.
So we went down and found this Paris, who looked a bit stunned to have three goddess swoop down on him, although he didn't die of fright or anything which you have to give him credit for. We explained the rules to him fairly simply, and he grasped them after a while, while cute he doesn't seem to have the brains blessed to even something I would give small amounts of wisdom too...I must have been exceptionally annoyed that day, and took it out on the people I was meant to be bestowing wisdom upon. That'll teach....someone. So, Paris took this opportunity to ogle three goddesses, and looked thoroughly pleased about it as well, and I couldn't even entertain the thought of smiting him for it [for more than a few moments until I remembered we had asked him to- hey, the temptation is always there, ok? I have a problem...] Aphrodite gave him a little wink and Hera a coy little wave, I just glared at him and made a pointed gesture with my spear. He winced, so that message penetrated even his thick skull. He asked to take us one by one off, so he could examine us better and from all angles. Can't really contest that, can you? So he took off Hera first, about ten minutes later she came back with a smile on her face and gestured for me to go and see Paris. As soon as I was stood in front of him he asked nervously if there was any chance of a naked viewing, I think my stare pretty much answered that one for him. Anyway, I thought that Hera and Aphrodite would cheat so I thought that a little...persuasion might be in order, so I offered to let him be the best soldier in the world, and he would ever loose a battle. He looked pretty intrigued, so I thought it, combined with that I am hot, would win me the contest . Went back through to Aphrodite, sent her through with a little smirk of my own, earning me a suspicious look from her. When she and Paris came back I stood confidently, sure I would be the winner. But noooooo, Paris and Aphrodite have some little scheme going on and she got picked as winner- and you could tell from the little wink she gave Paris just before he gave her the apple that she knew he would pick her.
Later on found out from dad what she had given him in return...the love of the most beautiful woman hin the world, Helen of Sparta, my half sister. Except that she is already married to Menelaus, which is a problem as when Paris and Aphrodite went to see the couple, Paris stayed with them and then stole Helen away to Troy. Now Helen's other suitors other than Menelaus, who all swore to serve Menelaus once after he won Helen's hand in marriage. Men, why can't they make simple agreements?! So they're all trooping off to Troy to fetch Helen back, and as goddess of war I have to go and keep an eye on them, with that idiot Ares. The only consolation is that Odysseus should be coming as well, he was one of the suitors, yay!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
people like? I took the advice to upgrade the rating to a PG, have tried to tone it down though as I really don't want it to go any further, I think Green myths should be accessible and stuff....but I have no idea how you would write about them without mentioning sex a lot...if you don't like never read some of the earlier myths, hehe